Undergraduate / Why my maturity will make me successful in life--Prompt 1 [3]

Hi there, good try on the essay, but there's a lot to work on.

Change the first sentence. College essay readers want you to state it in a creative manner. Don't try to use the question and make it your first sentence. Try something like "Although many people in my 6th grade talked about games and toys, I was one of the few who thought of maturing myself to adulthood."

More technical stuff...

When contemplating on a personal quality or talent that is important to me, the first word that comes to mind is maturity. I have spent my life focused on bettering myself as a person while also playing a major role in my family.While maturing and bettering myself, I slowly took on a major role in my family.In order for me to stay focused in school while working full-time, emotionally and financially assisting my family and more importantly, myself, I have had to adapt to a higher level of maturity not commonly found within people my age.Even though I was still in school, I had to take on a job to help my family financially;As a daughter, I have helped my father communicate with others due to a disability from a stroke while also helping my mother with the bills and raising my younger adolescent sister.Because my father had a stroke, he developed communication disabilities, which required me to help him communicate to others. While trying to help my father, I helped my mother with the bills and took care of my younger sister.I grew up a bit faster compared to my peers because of these family circumstances which I have no shame in whatsoever. Aside from my familial responsibilities I also have responsibilities to myself. I dedicate about thirty-five to forty hours a week at Nordstrom as a sales associate working solely on commission while also remaining focused on my studies. In the beginning it took a lot of adjusting to attain such a well-balanced life and I must admit it was a struggle working full-time while also being a full-time student. I have learned to find a balance between work and school and also between my family and myself as an individual. Leading a well-balanced life has helped me build character. Growing up I never would have thought my life would turn out the way it has because of my father's stroke. Although traumatic events can cause pain, they can also bring forth new beginnings and strength. I have gained infinite amounts of lessons because I have always tried to conquer all the challenges life has faced me with. Whether these challenges are from within or with the outer world, I have dealt with them as best as I can with no regrets, but with hopes for a better future. My focus has been to make the best of my life, which for me is working to support myself, furthering my education, being the best daughter and sister I can be, and gradually building on a better me. Upholding such a strong role in my family and having to be dependent on my own income along with my reliance on financial aid has been of utmost priority to me, which may explain my lack of participation in extra curricular activities in college. As much as I would have loved to dedicate myself to activities I enjoyed in high school such as choir and student government, I had to accept the fact that I have different circumstances. Despite this fact I would prefer to believe that I have attempted to excel in all areas of my life and hope to continue to do so through continuing my education. My maturity has helped me develop a strong sense of self-identity along with a balance of the more important matters in my life-family, education and finding my place in the world.

I'm not going to edit all of it, but most of your sentences require commas, semi-colons, and other breaks. You have a lot of run ons so split it up by adding a period. Try reading it aloud, because once you do, you'll realize how the sentence sounds awkward. Don't continuously state that you are mature because of this and that. Instead, mention why you are mature in the beginning and then state examples after it. Look up some of your words in a thesaurus. Try to avoid "I would" because I see a lot of it. If this is your first draft, keep trying then.

Undergraduate / "my piano teacher" - A person of influence [2]

Hello, hello. Good essay, but I'll try to edit it thoroughly:

Walking into her unfamiliar house, I was bound to bebegan to feel intimidated, especially as twelve year olds tend to be when meeting adults for the first time. As I crossed the threshold of the doorway, I saw her completely for the first time. She seemed to tower over me, and the fact that I was only twelve at the time made her seem even taller.Due to my short stature (or height) she seemed to tower over me.Several thoughts ran across my mind while my mom engaged in casual conversation with my possible future piano teacher, one of them being a question as to whether or not I was compatible or at the very least, viable.(change italicized sentence somehow. It sound awkward reading aloud. Probably add a period somewhere) Moments later I was abruptly broken out of my reverie by the woman asking me very kindly to come and play some music for her. I tentatively walked over to the piano and sat down slowly on the bench while my mother looked on with eyes of encouragement.Under my mother's encouraging eyes, I tentatively walked over to the piano and sat down slowly. I glanced up at the teacher and she nodded for me to begin. I wondered, what should I play first? Will she be impressed? Disregarding these distracting thoughts, I began to play the first movement of a sonata by Scarlatti.

Concentrating on the task at hand, I played with as much musicality as I could muster, despite the fact that I was extremely nervous.Despite my nervousness, I concentrated on playing with as much musicality as I could muster.As I continued to play I became progressively more anxious and by the time I had finished, I was a nervous wreckAs I continued to play, I began to grow more anxious; by the time I had finished, I was a nervous wreck. However, contrary to my expectations, the teacher actually looked happy. (Ironically, this made me think that she was laughing at me, but this was not the case).At first I thought she was laughing at me. But I later realized that this was not the case. After a somewhat quick performance, the teacher stood up and asked us if we would like to try a lesson starting the next week. Without a doubt my mother and I were thrilled at this and responded simultaneously with an immediate "yes!" This was the beginning of a new experience for both me and my teacher.

Immediately from the moment weI started lessons, I saw just how enthusiastic and how passionate my new teacher was about piano. At first, I was slightly put off by her intense attitude, but then I began to see that it was her love of music that drove her to be so inspired. She was a teacher unlike no other who spent hours of her time dedicated to her students, even outside of lessons. Not only did we spend more time than allotted for the lesson, we also had great fun due to her sparkling personality. Mix that in with a hefty helping of passion for music and I had one feisty piano teacher on my hands. Although she was a very happy person, she was also very disciplined and thus taught me to be more self-disciplined in my practice habits (which were rather scan)t on some occasions . However, I learned much more than just practice habits from her.

Every lesson, no matter how tired, frustrated, or stressed she was, my piano teacher always maintained her level of teaching excellence. She proved to me that she can withstand any difficulty and still come out strong. This is perhaps one of my most important values-determination,-- and I can attribute it to my piano teacher stoically enduring the toughest of times, especially during the sudden passing of her husband. Even with such a devastating tragedy at hand, she still managed to be positive with her students. Her attitude towards and passion for piano did not waver,.I n fact, it may have gotten stronger. Her strength was made clear by her determination to keep going in the face of a terrible loss. With that kind of determination, I could take on any challenge at any time without hesitation.

However, it was in my junior year that my personal determination was challenged the most. Last year, I was in the highest math class offered in my school-calculus. Unfortunately, even after years of excelling in math, I failed to maintain even a passing grade in calculus. It eventually got to the point where my math teacher asked me to step down a level. Upon hearing this I was greatly discouraged until I remembered what I had learned from my piano teacher,: to never give up in the face of adversity. Taking after her, I refused to listen and immediately began working towards my goal of passing the class, which I eventually did, by being self-motivated (another thing I learned from my piano teacher) and determined. This one huge obstacle in my school career made me realize just how influential my piano teacher had been over the past years, and how it had such a positive effect. In fact, her presence in my life and influence on my life will without a doubt, lead me on the path to success in the future, especially in college.

Overall good stuff:) Just try not to add the parenthesis. If you're going to put those it, instead make it its own sentence. You want to be direct with your reader. Good luck with your applications though:)