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Posts by acrayan
Joined: Dec 19, 2010
Last Post: Dec 27, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  

From: Bahamas

Displayed posts: 10
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acrayan   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Terrorism and persecution, rising out of misunderstanding" Common App Personal Essay [6]

Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

I've decided to write about the way religion has been used as a drive towards conflict (Terrorism and other forms of persecution) Please tell me if I properly address the topic, feel free to critique harshly or even suggest a rewrite if need be.

Terrorism, and persecution often seem to have religious drives. But I do not understand our capability to alienate each other on the basis of religion and try to press our "correct" religion and views onto others. Religion should be a binding force among humanity , not one that causes wars like the one in Afghanistan. This exploit using religion as an excuse for violence disturbs me deeply.

Religion is the belief in a God or Gods and rules of moral conduct and tradition of a region. Each individual perceives this God in a relative form and relative attributes depending upon his or her level of knowledge, both true and false, and the environment and culture in which he or she lives or has lived. When asked, almost all of us will say that our religion is correct. But a problem arises when some start proclaiming that only their religion is correct, their God is the true one and that only their religious laws and way of life is correct. This disturbs me deeply, for it causes unnecessary harm and bloodshed. The activities of religious extremists are often as violent as that of criminals, the only difference being these "religious" people use their religion as an excuse for their activities. Too many people have died due to misunderstandings of religion, in the middle ages it was the crusades, now it is the activities of religious terrorists. None of the people I know have been direct victims of such activities, but that is not cause enough for me to brush it off as unrelated to me. We are not the people of a village, city, or nation. We are all people of this world. It hurts me deeply that we kill each other over petty squabbles caused by misunderstanding.

What misunderstanding you ask? It is simple, we do not realize that if our religion can be true and correct in our eyes and serve our spiritual needs, why cannot another religion be true and correct in the view of someone else and equally serve them? If God, Allah, Brahman, or any other name given to the "Supreme God" of a religion is all powerful, then what is there to say, this God could not create other religions in other regions of the world, with different rules, traditions and forms? There is nothing in any religion that states such a thing is impossible for God. In such a case why do we limit the power of God by saying that only the form and ways that was revealed to us by him/her or formless being is the only right way? Why do we not see the possibility that maybe, just maybe, that this God we believe in is but the form of that one God that we with our limited perception, can see?

As a result, when I view religiously motivated harm or killing of fellow global citizens, it is as if one is killing the other because one calls an object a flower and the other calls it flor. What is it within us that drives us to even kill simply because what we know by one name is called in a different name? To this day I cannot understand, and I continue to think about this matter, still hurt by the loss of innocent lives. I will strive for a solution, but it cannot be more war, for as Mohandas Gandhi said: "An eye for an eye, makes whole world blind."

580 Words

Thanks in advance for your revisions.
acrayan   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Terrorism and persecution, rising out of misunderstanding" Common App Personal Essay [6]

I've made some corrections to what you pointed out, please tell me if they fix the issue, thanks.

"This exploit using religion as an excuse for violence disturbs me deeply."- Maybe "This exploitation of religion" instead Then be sure to have some sort of closer, maybe something like "I seek to change it", just something to make sure it flows

This exploitation of religion disturbs me deeply and has driven me to search for a solution.

" in which he or she lives or has lived"- a little heavy on the "he and she" by this point

Each individual perceives this God in a relative form and relative attributes depending upon his or her [his] level of knowledge, both true and false, and the environment and culture in which he or she [he] lives or has lived.

"almost all of us will say that our religion is correct"

Many people will say that their religion is correct.

"What misunderstanding you ask?"- Nice way to relate, but a little to formal here, how about "A misunderstanding can be ..." then jump over to religion

The misunderstanding is simple, we do not realize that if our religion can be true and correct in our eyes and serve our spiritual needs...

Third paragraph you get your point across without having to say it so many times, move to your more universal topic at the end. This is a good topic, but make sure you don't hammer your topics in, it's a little touchy at times.

Not exactly sure how to proceed with this, could you tell me what parts i could remove or change to make it less touchy?

Add a bit more of a hopeful tint to the end, and with your great quote, you should be good to go

To this day I cannot understand, and I continue to think about this matter, still hurt by the loss of innocent lives. There is always a solution, where there is a will, there is a way . I will strive for a solution, but it cannot be more war, for as Mohandas Gandhi said: "An eye for an eye, makes the whole world blind."
acrayan   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Terrorism and persecution, rising out of misunderstanding" Common App Personal Essay [6]

Okay, just tried to fix the third paragraph. I re-framed the questions as statements, let me know if this fixes the issue. Thanks again.

The misunderstanding is simple, we do not realize that if our religion can be true and correct in our eyes and serve our spiritual needs, another religion can be true and correct in the view of someone else and equally serve them. If God, Allah, Brahman, or any other name given to the "Supreme God" of a religion is all powerful, then what is there to say, this God could not create other religions in other regions of the world, with different rules, traditions and forms? There is nothing in any religion that states such a thing is impossible for God. We limit the power of our own God by saying that only the form and ways that were revealed to us by him/her or formless being is the only right way. We do not see the possibility that maybe, just maybe, that this God we believe in is but the form of that one God that we with our limited perception, can see.

As a result, when I view religiously motivated harm or killing of fellow global citizens...
acrayan   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Death of my grandmother: William And Mary Essay [14]

The world is conspiring to give me [my] grandmother peace; it's in my power to help it along. That's my inspiration, my incentive, to and succeed; I'm determined to accomplish it.

Nice essay! didn't find anything wrong except for that typo you had there.

Best of luck with W&M.
acrayan   
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Green Energy" Cornell Engineering Essay. [4]

I wrote this for the Cornell Engineering Essay, please critique freely, i want to improve it as much as possible. Thanks.

Prompt: Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.

The Chernobyl incident, the recent explosion at the New Zealand coal mine and countless burning coal fires are all products of "dirty" fuel. Not only have these incidents caused environmental damage, they also endanger lives on a daily basis. Each individual on this planet has the right to a full and proper life; this however will not be possible if the world wide use of non-renewable and damaging fuels is stopped. For this to be a reality we need to look at a "greener" source of energy - literally.

What if we can successfully manage to synthesize the units of chlorophyll which allow plants to perform photosynthesis? We could ourselves perform photosynthesis at laboratories and produce clean energy. Why not genetically engineer plants to output the starch made from photosynthesis as heat or chemicals and capture this energy? We could have forests instead of barren, dangerous, and view spoiling coal mines. The balance of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere could be actively maintained by these plants while we still obtain the energy we need. If this isn't so viable could some mechanical ingenuity using a screw, wire coils, magnets and a pendulum help form a semi-continual production of energy by making use of magnetic induction, where the process can be set off by simply putting the pendulum into motion?

I've always been buffeted by ideas; I just need the direction and education to make them a reality. Further, engineering as a whole appeals to me for regardless of the area of expertise, it has to do with making ideas into realities. As a result, though I am mostly attracted to biological and chemical engineering, I remain somewhat undecided as to which specific area in engineering I wish to go towards. I believe the introduction to engineering course that Cornell offers will be valuable to me in finding the field in engineering that most appeals to me. This combined with the myriad facilities, research opportunities, helpful minors in management and financial aid available has assured me that Cornell will be the perfect location for fruition of my ideas while obtaining an engineering degree from a world class university. Such an education would provide great job opportunities, contacts and experiences that can take me to greater heights in my life.
acrayan   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT "I'm proud of my Creativity", Essay [2]

Prompt: What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. [200 to 250 words]

Hello guys could you please critique this essay? Thanks.

I scribble on the white board, first drawing a pendulum, then connecting it to a screw within a coil of wire. Then I add the magnet that travels on the screw. Viola! My "Semi-continual energy generator is complete!" I've always had ideas, and I have my creativity to thank. From ideas of cars running on compressed air to electricity generators that use jet stream winds, my creativity keeps me inundated. I know some ideas are too offbeat or "not plausible" but so was the notion of spaceflight just two hundred years ago (unless you're playing Sid Meir's Civilization). Creativity keeps me at the ready to tackle any situation, stick to your guns they'd say, but thats the way of the old west, I'm sticking with my creativity.

Helen Keller once said: "College isn't the place to go for ideas. " and she's right, Its the place to make your ideas into realities. So I am doubly proud of my creativity because it has given me a bagful of ideas that I can take there, test and realize. Well of course there might be those ideas that are the proverbial bad apples, but hey that's why I am going to college, to learn the knife of knowledge to cut, shape and form my apples into works of art (and to gain the wisdom to throw away others.)

Wordcount : 225
acrayan   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Global Network and Person You'd bring (Jackson Pollock) - my NYU short [5]

Both answers are very good.

Just a little fix to the first one.

Having the privilege to learn beside this vastly varied population will not only challenge me, but [ will] broaden my perspective allowing [and allow] me to be a global citizen.

So basically just add the "will" in there and change allowing to "and allow."
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