Undergraduate / "A Different Road" - Common App Essay [9]

This is personal essay for the common app. I have the topic written below. I would like some feedback. I had a friend read it and she said it seemed a bit "flaunt-ish." Hopefully I've toned it down enough. Please feel free to check grammar and sentence structure! The ending needs to be polished too. Also can you say whether or not I answered the question.

Thank You in Advance,
Linsey S.
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Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My sister and I have always been called twins, despite our two years age difference. We were pretty much alike until my sister entered high school. I remember the day my sister's report card arrived at our house. Report card arriving days usually weren't that big of a deal, because my sister and I alike never had a hard time in school. On this particular day, my mom went to open the mail, and the first thing she opened was the inevitable report card. Her face was misconstrued as she read over the paper. The next thing I knew she was screaming my sister's name. "AMBER!" she growled in a tone that reverberated through the house. I knew something good was not approaching. Amber lackadaisically walked in with an uninterested look on her face. "What is this?" my mom called out to her. My sister stepped forward, and looked at the paper in her hand. She seemed unsurprised by her grades. Her only response was, "What?" My mom went ballistic. She began shouting out all of her grades, one behind the other. My sister retorted, "It's not like I didn't get any A's." "One, in P.E.," my mom bellowed out.

Later that night I snuck a peep at my sister's report card. She barely had a 3.0 grade point average. I found myself disappointed and kind of mad too. Neither of us had ever had a G.P.A. lower than 3.7. It was a Shorters' family tradition. My sister and I didn't play sports, we couldn't dance or draw, and we surely could not sing. School was kind of "our thing." It was the one thing we excelled in. I didn't understand why she had stepped off course. I took it personally that she would mess up something I valued so much and took pride in. It was my hope that this was a onetime thing. I knew with the punishments my parents were going to give her, she soon would be back to normal. Later on when I asked her about her grades, all she said was, "Its whatever." Soon her behavior and other aspects of her life followed her decreasing grade pattern. It was almost like entering high school changed who she was. She began to skip school and the number of guys she was seeing was unclear to my parents and me. She started to blatantly disobey my parents and challenge their authority. It even came to a point to where we thought she was pregnant. Her life was spinning out of control, and for what?

From my point of view, there were no benefits to living the life she embarked upon. The worry and pain she caused my parents was something I vowed to never put them through. Her rebelling only caused my parents to lose trust in her. My sister's careless behavior influenced me so greatly, I knew exactly who and what I did not want to become. I've always wanted to remain a person of character; someone you can trust and rely on. I wanted to set and achieve goals in life. Having an extreme social life isn't "cool," if at the end of the day that's all you have. My sister helped me to realize the person I am today and the plans I make now, shape who I will become in future. In order to become the great successful lawyer I want to be, I can't afford to lose focus. Although my sister set a negative example before me, I'm thankful for it. No person is perfect, and who's to say I might not have made the same bad decisions. Life is all about choices, and I am determined to take the high road.

Linsey S.

Undergraduate / how to incorporate my leadership roles - Pepperine Supplement [2]

Can someone help explain Pepperdine's Supplement Essay to me...I'm struggling kind of...this is the topic:

On the due date of my final project for the eighth grade, I stood before my class with a poster carved in dark red and black oil paints that read, "I will not be stopped!" The phrase on the poster was my personal mantra. I found that the quote fit me personally, and was a small peak into the determination that lived inside me and drove me to be the person I am today. The colors were significant because they showed the struggle and endurance required to succeed in life. My mantra would be completely useless if I didn't serve a God that has a Birdseye view on the entire world. As long as continue to acknowledge God's hand in my life, I won't be stopped. Even to this day I feel motivated by my mantra because I know that no matter what the situation is, God will make a way out of no way. Based on that, I cannot be stopped.

Attending Pepperdine University would allow me to share my mantra and strong faith in God with diverse students. I'm prepared to encourage them to never stop pursuing their dreams and that God is the source of everything you could ever hope for. My mantra I've learned can fit into any aspects of one's life. Even while I'm at work tutoring middle school students, I'm constantly joking with them saying, "Don't let this one math problem keep you becoming that lawyer or doctor you want to become." The joke is definitely a hyperbole, but it's exactly what they need to remember in order to motivate them to succeed.

Undergraduate / "Taking a Risk to be Me" LMU SUPPLEMENT [2]

This is my essay for the LMU Supplement...I need some feedback. Please check for grammatical errors and sentence structure. I also need help with a closing...

I have my final sentence I just don't know how to tie it in: What is the answer to the deep insecurity we all feel? I say living day to day, whilst planning a potent future, and accepting your flaws of the day. Learning how to deal with the ugly you - right now.

Something like that...for a closer.
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Why do you think Fr. Lawton says the ''journey to be oneself'' seems the riskiest of all journeys?
What risks lie ahead as you embark on your college career, and the ''adventure'' of discovering and becoming yourself?

The journey to be one's self is the road we take to find out who we are. The word journey does not have a pleasant or delightful connotation, because this task itself is never easy or quick. A journey can be characterized, for example, as the annual Pilgrimage Muslims take to Mecca or the climb up the Manhattan Beach Sand Dune. A journey in the simplest terms is a strenuous march or a rough trail. Journeys generally are not taken up by the weak or physically unfit. After completing a journey, one often times feels a great sense of accomplishment. Nevertheless, the hard part is surviving and making it to that point of succession.

Not only is this journey to discovery arduous, but it is dangerous, and in Fr. Robert Lawton's words - "risky." Uncovering who you truly are is a risk some people are afraid to take. The fear of the unknown can serve as a paralysis. What if you do not like what you have unveiled? What if your peers, friends, and family do not accept who you are? Ultimately, this solo mission requires you to decide who you want to please. In an excursion such as this, some friends may be lost and family members may not understand. Regardless of their reactions, you should still be who you are. In the end, one must know that this mission is not for the betterment of mankind, but it is strictly for you. You cannot take this trip and have "soft skin." It is necessary that you prepare yourself for some tough times, but the key is endurance.

In seeking out the true self, one of the gravest risks you may encounter is, discovering your own immense power and purpose. Not only will others question you, but you might begin to question your own capabilities. "What if I am brilliant beyond belief?" Once you've discovered who you are, there is nowhere to hide and denial can't be used a scapegoat. The power a person has is incredible; we just have to not be afraid to use it.

Upon entering this new chapter in my life - college and adulthood, even more risks and challenges lay ahead. I already know who I am and what my goals are, but the challenge is to not be distracted or lost sight of my focus. I do not want to go to college and come back someone who has compromised their morals and standards. I would prefer to come back as someone with a new outlook and wider perspective on different topics. Even in this situation, the key is strength and endurance. Ever since I was a little girl in elementary school, my parents and teachers have always said this same nagging quote: "Failure is not an option." Going to college and learning new information is a great risk. I am plagued with thoughts of, what if I do fail? Instead of focusing on the negatives, I have chosen to switch the question around. What if I do succeed? I will not let my own self hold me back from reaching my true potential.

Undergraduate / "What it Takes to be a Pioneer" -- UC Transfer Essay [3]

This is my Transfer Essay for UCs. I have the prompt is written below. The essay is 711 words long...way too many. So please give me suggestions on parts or words that could be eliminated without taking away from the main points of the essay. Feel free to correct grammar, sentence structure, and anything else you feel needs to be fixed or tweaked. Also, please tell me if you feel I have answered the prompt fully.

Thank you so much!
Linsey S.
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What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement

Have you ever been to Toys R Us during the holiday season? When I was growing up, the aisle that appealed to me most was the lane dedicated to Barbie. As a girly-girl, the pink aisle laced with Barbie Dream Houses, Holiday Ballet Dolls, RC Convertibles, and every activity or accessory Barbie might need, were like diamonds resting on a piece of black velvet. As much as I wanted all the newest Barbie products, there was always a small disconnect between Barbie and seven year old, me. I didn't look like Barbie, my parents didn't drive Convertibles, and I had never attended a Ballet class. By the time I was eight years old, a new collection of dolls called Bratz debuted. After watching numerous Bratz commercials, I had completely sidelined Barbie. Bratz dolls were realistic, with differing personalities and physical traits that were contrary to the typical Barbie. In my young mind, the Sasha doll was someone I could become when I was older. She was the stylish leader of the group with full lips and an attitude that spoke for itself. Although the Bratz never grew to the recognition level of Barbie, the way they were mass sold to minority kids was revolutionary. Through the packaging, the placement of Bratz dolls on the opposite side of Barbies in stores, the graffiti style script and the "Z" at the end of the word "Bratz," market researchers were able to garner a product that appealed to an unspoken void in children. They effectively jumpstarted a trend that challenged the standard, by fashioning dolls that were relatable to children from all different backgrounds. Marketing is the focus field I want to pursue because it's a sink or swim business of creativity, dedication, fearless risk taking, and understanding. Marketing allows people to be pioneers that can effectively leave a mark on the lives of everyday people, even children.

During my first year of college, I got an on campus job in marketing - working to bring a greater social media presence to the university. Together in a team of six, we brainstormed ideas of how and why our internet presence would be different from all the other outlets the school sponsored. One thing we noticed after researching all the social forums the school offered, was that all the media outlets were ran by school officials. So immediately that became our greatest differentiation, and it ultimately is what appealed to students most. Coming up with a name proved to be even more difficult than content creation and designing. We needed a name that was characteristic of the school, but also was the heart of our target audience - students. By the time we were ready to launch our brand in November, we had created accounts on two of the top social media institutions. LMUpulse became a brand that broadcasted day and night from the student's perspective on things like final exam stress to our feelings on the latest events around campus. In just two months we gained a Twitter following of 150 students, and by February our following doubled. To keep our growing success, we partnered with Marian's Service Organization to showcase their event online and we also hosted an online competition during the school's greatest annual event - Lip Sync. After a successful year of partnerships and branding opportunities, LMUpulse became a social media brand recognizable to numerous students and faculty. Like Bratz dolls, LMUpulse effectively started a trend amongst social media on campus. Many departments began to seek social media interns to run their media channels. Ultimately our team was able to create a demand for something the school didn't even know it needed; along with creating more jobs for struggling students. Although there was nothing like LMUpulse online, I learned that sometimes you have to carve out a path that's unpaved in order to reach new levels of success. There is no greater feeling than creating something, and watching it grow and affect people's lives. Despite the uncertainty of my future, the qualities I have learned working in marketing have prepared me to pursue and fight for my dreams with dedication, creativity, hard work, and understanding. With these traits, I have the capability to become anything, even a pioneer in the field.

Linsey S.

Undergraduate / "And they lived happily ever after!"; Never Give Up -- UC Prompt [2]

This is my essay for UCs prompt 1. The essay is 800 words long...way too many. I need to be at like 400. So please give me suggestions on parts or words that could be eliminated w/o taking away from the main points. Feel free to fix sentence structure, grammar, and anything else you feel needs to be fixed or tweaked. This one I kind of rushed, so all help is good help!

Thank you so much!
Linsey S.

As a child, my favorite part of Disney movies were the endings; where the Prince overcame the struggles of his quest, and found the Princess or saved his kingdom. To conclude the story, an enchanting narrator would voice, "And they lived happily ever after!" Ironically, the writers of these classic stories never followed up the with the Prince to see how life after the quest was, and what resulted from living out his dream. We just assumed that everything would be perfect and the hard part was over. In reality, sometimes even larger obstacles arise as a result of our dream. My personal quest was something I had been working on my entire life, and I watched my dream come true when I was accepted to my top-choice university. Although my dream came to past, I had to make some sacrifices to keep it. The only way for me to go to this certain college, was to ease some of the costs by living at home and commuting to school. I couldn't imagine going anywhere else; so I accepted the new conditions, and even got an on-campus job. Between constant commuting and working two jobs to help with my expenses, college life was not be what I expected. My dream was beginning to feel like a burden. During my second semester of school, my grandfather suffered from several mini strokes, and my parents began to support not only my college statements, but also his finances. All I could think about was this number hanging over my head and being a contributor to the stress on my family. After the conclusion of the school year, I found myself sitting down with my parents. They told me that they weren't going to sink their ship, just to keep me afloat. Going back to school was just not possible, unless I found a way to get more money. My dream became a nightmare, and I decided to take a leave of absence from school.

After leaving college, I was crushed and completely bitter. It seemed everyone around me to wanted to know about school, but I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it. One of my friends who had recently left a university and enrolled in community college, encouraged me to take classes that would transfer back to LMU. At first I completely ignored her, because my dream was over. There would be no point in taking classes, because I wouldn't be going back. Unconvinced, I let the registration deadline pass without hesitation. Shortly after, a friend confronted me about my lack of drive. She reminded me that I was the one who had encouraged her not to drop out when she hit a tough point in her first year. She said, "Out of all of us that want to leave school or dropped out, you can't. You're the one out of us that's supposed to finish this." She even asked me, "Aren't you the one who preaches "Never Give Up?" Despite the past deadline, I picked myself and enrolled in classes.

During my faltering state, I was still working as an afterschool teacher at a middle school. The kids started a unit in their English class on college, and I unwarrantedly became their voice of authority on the subject. They began to ask me questions like, "What's your major?" and "What's college like?" I tried to answer their questions free of malice; but their constant questions felt like a Chef-Mate knife was being driven into my open, infected wound. Kids were even saying they wanted to use me as a source for their research paper. I couldn't imagine telling them how I left school. I didn't want to rob them of their dreams, nor ruin their impressions of college. After constant probing, because kids never give up, I found some inspiration in their fervor. Instead of sugarcoating my experiences, I decided to tell them my story; understanding my misfortune did not have to be their own. By sharing, I learned that being open and honest would better prepare them for school. By the end of their college section I felt renewed. They re-taught me what it meant to never give up, despite the adversities I faced. Giving up was just not an option, because I had friends and kids that looked to me for inspiration. I had worked too hard to get into to college to let one setback be the death of who I was as person. Leaving school was not a failure, but a learning experience. Life is all about the quest, failing, succeeding, and recovering. In spite of my setback, I'm ready to pursue the same dream, but with a new compass and direction. The key is understanding the quest is never over; it's what's fuels your dreams.