Posts by ARIA - page 2

ARIA

Mar 26, 2011

Writing Feedback / toefl - It is the truth that not all people can do the things they like all the time. [4]

Hi Sabrina

As a whole your writing is very good but if you are going for TOEFL you should follow some of the points that are important in test scoring.

First of all your introduction is too short and you did not mention your opinion.

Your body paragraphs are very good and logic with single problem that you could write an easier and shorter sentences to explain your reasons and examples.

Your vocabulary is very good and can say sometimes it might make problems for you. Try to use simple sentences with less complicate structure and words.

As an example in your writing, avoid thing such as:
"people overweight have to do sports everyday for the purpose of losing weight, they sometimes have a feeling of compelling and painful, especially for those oversized body have threatened to their lives"

Some of your sentences are vague check more for grammar. Such the above sentence and as :

"doing unwilling things would contribute to their financial concern"

also check using the proper words such as:
"curriculum, "
"close link with their major"
"have little relationship with their initial thoughts "

I am not a native speaker but I am not sure those words are properly used. I put some suggestion such as : "materials" " is related to their knowledge or job" " is less related to what they have learnt""

I think those examples fit better with what you mean.
Check your punctuation; however I don't think it has a significant impact on your score.

Your conclusion as your introduction is very short and does not have the proper structure of the conclusion. In conclusion you should rewrite your opinion with your reasons included.

Keep trying

Good luck

ARIA

Mar 25, 2011

Writing Feedback / it is more important to spend money on art and music [6]

Hi dear Jing
It seems that your English vocabulary and grammar are good, but I think you need to be aware of some tricks that can cost you a big part of your score in test.

Lets go over them point by point:

1- In your introduction it is better to rephrase the question instead of the writing of the exact terms in question with the same sequence. Moreover, it is better to give your reasons along with your opinion.

2- As I understand you wrote this essay for TOEFL test. As I know in TOEFL essay you have 30 minutes time and a minimum limited number of words, which is about 300. Although it is not problem if you pass the words count in your essay, I believe with an essay like your essay which contains almost 600 words you waste your valorous time and missed revising which is as important as your writing. Try to write shorter and revise more. Some grammatical mistake in your essay shows that you did not revise your essay.

3- Try to use smaller sentences and avoid long complicated ones. Some of your opinions on all paragraphs are vague and in some of them you forgot to define the subjects or objects. For example: " the cities can improve their tastes about art and music as well as appreciate the beauty around the world, meanwhile, they may be optimistic about their lives " or some of your examples especially in the 3rd paragraph are unrelated to topic or even to your opinion, regarding to build music performance centres or art museums.

4- Your conclusion is again unfit to your essay. The conclusion should be a compact rephrasing of your introduction without adding any new information for reader.

Keep on try and do not hesitate to ask if there is any question.

ARIA

Mar 25, 2011

Writing Feedback / Ielts Graph (mortality and funding on different diseases) [8]

Thank in advance you guys
I welcome any suggestion

The graphs show the money spent on medical researches for some infectious diseases and mortality of those diseases in Someland in 1990.

A holistic view on 2 graphs shows that the necessary resources for research does not distribute properly according to the weight of the diseases in the way that some diseases with highest mortality received lesser money rather than diseases with lower mortality.

The comparison of two graphs shows that TB has the highest number of the death in 1990 with around 1.8 million deaths in year, however the money allocated for research on this disease was about 20 million. In contrast, disease such as AIDS with the least mortality on about 200.000 deaths in year received around 180 million. The same inequality can be seen for diseases like diarrhoea and malaria. Both diseases as second and respectively third killer among infectious diseases in Someland took less money than leprosy and tropical diseases with less mortality in 1990.

In conclusion, the graphs show that the money spent for research on different infectious diseases was not distributed according to the burden of the disease.

graph 1
graph 2

ARIA

Mar 23, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the benefits of global cooperation [7]

Hi Ratree
it is a good work, however it need some work on it

first, in your introduction is better give your reason about what is more beneficial, if it really is. regarding to your opinion, which had effect on global trade or "why the international trade are benefitted more rather than environmental issues, by global collaboration?".

according to your two following paragraphs I think it would better to put your opinion like that, you think both of them were beneficials, as your examples show later.

the rest is very good, you explained both aspects and gave examples.

The conclusion should be a sum up of all your writing in 2-3 sentences, without adding a further or new reasons. find out if you did that in your conclusion?

keep on try and do not forgot to keep the tract of the time.

GOOD LUCK

ARIA

Mar 23, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS Grahp (the pattern of smoking of different sexes) [5]

Hi Guys
I wrote this writing task 1 for ielts
I would appreciate any comment or suggestion and it will bw great if anyone give me an approximate band score
thanks a lot

Q: Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the
graph below.
You should write at least 150 words.

The graph shows the pattern of smoking of different sexes in Someland during 1960 -2000. As an overall pattern the graph give us the information that the number smoker men started to decline during this period of the time, while the number of women smokers had a rise until 1975 then started an slightly fall to the end of this time. Moreover, the number of male smoking was always more than women during this period of the time.

A holistic view on men's smoking numbers shows that the number of male smoker has slightly dropped during the time from 600 per 1000 person by almost 350 during 40 years. This decline shows that smoking lost its popularity among the men during the time.

However, women show another trend regarding the numbers of smokers at this period. Female smokers, which account less than 100 smokers per 1000 person at the beginning of this period, have two jumps during the time. The first one is from 1960 when female smoker have risen of 200 in 1965 and stayed levelled off for 5 years. The second increase was from 1970 to 1975 when they reached to over 300 smokers per 1000 person. Since 1975 the number of women smoking have a steady dropped until year 2000 when the number reached to around 200 smokers per 1000 person.

graph 1

ARIA

Mar 23, 2011

Writing Feedback / Who is responsible for motivating students to learn? TEACHERS? [2]

Hi Inchima
the very first thing is to clear up what this essay is for?
second, whatever you are going to answer the first question, is you are going to write an essay and not answer a question in an interview.

the first thing for starting an essay is that you should give some information about what you are going to explain. it calls "state of the problem" which you should bring it in your "Introduction"

for example:
"when it comes to the importance of a teacher's job some people consider their knowledge as an important quality, while other believe the teachers should also motivate students for a better learning process...."

at the end of this introducing of the problem, which is "teachers' role in motivation" you can bring your opinion with 2-3 reasons. and later in the next paragraphs you can give examples for supporting your resons.

on of the usual essay structure consist of introduction. 2-3 paragraphs explaining your reasons, and the conclusion at the end that sume up all your points in essay.

try it and good luck

ARIA

Jan 28, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS-is a break good or bad after high school for students? [4]

Hi Ajit
Your introduction and argument are quite good and strong enough.

there are some small punctuation and ambiguity in first para that I am pretty sure if you look over it you can find and correct it.

in your conclusion you did not put your argumaent about the disadvantage.

the rest is perfect
good luck

ARIA

Jan 23, 2011

Writing Feedback / Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents [5]

Hi Ajit

I really appreciate your work on my essays. I have attended half a dozen courses and classes for my language exams TOEFL and IELST, but none of them were as productive as your comments.

Thanks the "essay forum" that gives me the opportunity to have your helps.

I agree with all your suggestion; however other instructor found the same problems. I try to fix those part and as you advised read more, but I think my native language Farsi do not let me to think "English" and what I write in fact is a kind of direct translation of Farsi thinking to English.

People suggested me to read more, and I do, but still have the problem.

I try to work more on this essay as you told and send in your email as you gave me because I need to close this posting in order to submit a new thread.

I hope your exam would be a success take the score you need.

Regards

ARIA

Jan 22, 2011

Writing Feedback / Should juries have access to information about the defendant's. IELTS Task 2. [3]

Question Under British and Australian law the jury in a criminal case has no access to information about the defendant past criminal record. This protects the person who is being accused of the crime.

Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all the past facts before they reach their decision about the case.

Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.

Answer:

The decisions made by juries, since can interfere with a person's future, as defendant can be very challenging. Like all jobs, which try to discover the truth about an event the discoverer need enough body of evidence to do deliberately research and find the truth. In law field the main role of jury could be as a researcher who need more evidences, which could be for or against convicting a defender. I believe, against the British and Australian law, a jury should have access in the defendant's past records, which can give them a wider view about the defendant character and help them to make a better decision.

In one hand, a criminal cannot become an outlaw person overnight. There are some factors in the persons' life that can influence their behaviour. By knowing those factors a jury can decide better if that person can be culprit or not. For example, if the jury be informed that the suspect is a brilliant person with prominent academic background, the odds to be a shoplifter can be very low.

In other hand, the past criminal record of a person can help the juries to better match evidences for convicting a defendant. I believe a criminal do not commit a crime once, and try to repeat in different circumstances the crime which are talented for. If a person is convicted in a sex crime for several times, the chance to do the same crime for one more time is not too low.

To put in a nutshell, I believe the restriction of access in criminal records of defendants which is practiced in some countries law system can limited the ability of the juries to make a right decision. The back ground and the environment that persons were grown up can influence their future and help juries better to elaborate some verdicts. Furthermore, the antecedent of persons can be a tool for guessing if the person commits the crime or not.

ARIA

Jan 22, 2011

Writing Feedback / Job expectations: changing job frequently or not? [3]

Hi Olga

First of all, your start is great with the "popular belief" but later you do not need to say, "In my essay I will explore benefits..."

You should start your essay like an article with introduction as you started then mention your opinion. In introduction we do not have such a thing. Your start likes as a speech or oral presentation.

Give an informative sentence, which state the problem or situation, followed by your main idea and 2-3 reasons.
Your reasons are good enough in the next paragraphs and need to write a little more about them.
Avoid strong expression try a little milder. For example:
"one of the benefit to staying on a job for long term is the stability. Instead of
"the main benefit of staying...."
you also should avoid informal and conversation like sentence. For example, instead of the story about the Exxon Company, you can start with
"when a group of workers work for a long time in a company, they found that company as their family that would be always their support, therefore they are not concerned about the relocation and finding a new job, which can interfere with their usual life".

At this way you better explain your reason with more words.
or

" Working for long period of time in one job can help the worker to collect an enormous technical and social experience in their field of activity. Those experience can help them to improve their carrier and open lots of new opportunities...".

In other side of the coin there are also some advantage to changing the jobs. The new jobs can provide new contacts as you change your place. The new contacts or new places also can give the person a better for planning for their future. It might be a new scholar or academic opportunity provided by new employer".

Instead of benefits and drawbacks, which you have already used in introduction you can put other words such as "pros and cons"

Your conclusion is too informal and short.

Keep on try

ARIA

Jan 22, 2011

Undergraduate / Economics, management, analyze a case, international student - UofT admission [5]

Drinktea
Hi there
Your first paragraph has two main problems.
First, your writing is a little vague in the way that if we omit the word "economics" is difficult to understand what you really like or what are you talking about.

"Economics is my favourite subject among all the other subjects". what could be other subjects? Biology, criminology ? ... At least you can mentioned some of them or tell in the field of social sciences I prefer economics.

You could start like this;
I would like to improve my knowledge in economics, as a part of social sciences that analyse the ...

Later, the art also can have a strong connection with our life and / or psychology can analyse many of the human interactions, why you do not like those.

In other part "economics can help you for a better understanding of the world", an fact or opinion from you, which is very general.

Then try to explain different aspect of economics with more and deliberate explanation.

As an academic writing you can conclude your paragraph like:

If I have opportunity to choose a major in university, I would like to choose the economics as my major.

You also use some complex and sometimes wrong words such as "globalizationer"
Do not entangle yourself on complex words.

In second paragraph you forgot the economics and started with "management", moreover "how to know people can think and act" is not the main role of the manager, and a psychologist can do it better. Therefore that cannot be a reason to choose this subject.

In academic writing or even speaking avoid give the reminiscence, unless you want to give an examples for supporting your main idea usually at the end of the paragraph. Try to be more precise.

I think the better thing is to use smaller sentences and try to express your main idea at that first part if the sentence, followed by developing the main idea and then examples.

" I found management interesting, because I have some background, which can help me to be a good manager..."
or
" management is a challenging job which would fit with some of my qualification or qualities..."
or
" Management can help me to improve some of my qualities to be a business leader..."

The parts like "Listen quickly and speak slowly", sounds good.
keep on try

ARIA

ARIA

Jan 22, 2011

Writing Feedback / Do you believe the use of Internet in formal education is a good idea? - IELTS Task 2 [5]

Hi Lippea

Thank you for your replies.
First, as I understood for essay we should answer just the question, which is

"Do you believe the use of Internet in formal education is a good idea? What future effects will the Internet have on academic study?"

I agree that I missed the second question about the "future effect of Internet" but the reason I did not mentioned "face to face "issue is that was not part of the question.

Second, I didn't get the point about the "strong supporting point"? You mean there were not enough examples about my reasons? Would you elaborate this a little more?

I look forward

Best regards

ARIA

Jan 21, 2011

Writing Feedback / Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents [5]

Question:
"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My Answer:

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents. The old fashioned idea of the parenthood as a mother task now would be rejected; however I believe nowadays, as both parents are responsible for creating of the kid, the nourishing and thriving of their children should be the main job for both of them. Now we live in a society where both parents have the same rights, and responsibility for doing their jobs out of parenting. Moreover, there are some skills that would be taught better by each parent.

Today we live in a society which both parents have the same rights and commitment for their life. An old fashion belief, which might put the responsibility of kids on the mother's shoulders do not have value anymore. As men need their time for job, rest or leisure time, mothers have their own right to spend their time as they want., regardless of their commitment as a mother.

Moreover, in new technological economy of the new world both parents should work to have a better quality of life. Now numbers of the women in working force sometimes surpass the number of the men. Considering rising the kids as women job is not fare while they have the same economic burden at family income as breadwinner.

At the end, there are skills that both parents should learn to their children. Love, affection, and compassion are lessons that moms can better teach to their kids, while fathers are keen on lessons such as hard work, resistance, leadership and lots of other masculine skills.

In conclusion, as both parents had the share for creating the kids then they have work together bring them up in a better way. Both parents have the same rights for living then they should have time for themselves, this right is more eminence since women started economically help the men in family, then have more responsibility out of the house. Furthermore, there are some skills that kids can learn better from each parent.

ARIA

Jan 21, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS-fatherhood ,motherhood or both? [2]

Hi Ajit

I like to put some suggestion on this writing, as well.

Actually I am not a rater for IELTS but as we can see in all IELTS books, I think it is better that your writing material has a structure like those they ask to be.

Introduction / body / conclusion are main frames at IELTS writing, and even as a part of IELTS speaking. In this writing you covered most of those items with some small exceptions.

First is your introduction. It is obvious that you pointed your main idea about the subject "both parents have responsibility...." later there is no information about why and how they can do.

Your second paragraph start with pointing out your opinion but it is better this point of view at least be mentioned in introduction.

Your third paragraph is a kind of complementary to the previous paragraph. Again it was not mentioned in your introduction.

I agree with the Booki comment about this "half paragraph" of "patriarch is absent"

As an exercise for me and to show better what I mean, I write an essay with the same topic and use your argument to explain in better way what I meant on all I talked above.

I also need you and possibly Booki' s comments on my essay.

Good luck and keep on try.

ARIA

Jan 21, 2011

Writing Feedback / Do you believe the use of Internet in formal education is a good idea? - IELTS Task 2 [5]

Please read this essay and give your opinion and if it is possible a band score
Thank you

Question:
University lecturers are now able to put their lecture on the Internet for students to read and so the importance of attending face to face lectures has been reduced.

Do you believe the use of Internet in formal education is a good idea? What future effects will the Internet have on academic study?

Answer:
When it comes to how the new technology such as computer and the Internet can improve our future education, people think differently. Some believe the Internet can change the essence of the traditional education from a serious issue to a kind of entertainment, while others think education by Internet can easier and more convenient.

I believe using the Internet can provide an accessible and convenient learning. The Internet with different features and tools provide an easier way to learn different materials. In future the Internet can provide a better, and more accessible academic education for people all around the world.

First of all, the Internet is an accessible and convenient source of information, which can be used for education. Almost everywhere with a computer and a communication line we can have an Internet connection and be in touch with different source of information. In addition, the distance from the college or university cannot be an obstacle. Moreover, by Internet we would be able to learn at any time we want. In a lecture if we miss a part we can go back and review the missing part for more effective learning.

Second, there are lots of features in Internet that can help us an effective and better learning. Use of different virtual graphics or animations in Internet can provide us an easier way to understand some complicated processes, such as what is happening in the centre of the earth in an earthquake or how a protein can be synthesized inside of a cell.

Finally, in future the Internet can have a positive impact on academic education. by more access to virtual libraries and sources of information via Internet in the future more people can have access to higher education and the inequality issue about education would be a story.

In conclusion, Internet can improve the quality of the education, by being more accessible and convenient than traditional style of education. There are more possibilities to learn anywhere at anytime. Moreover, there are lots of features in Internet that can help a better understanding of different materials in study. In addition, by minimising the physical distance the Internet can help other people to have opportunity for a better education and higher quality of life, no matter where they are.

ARIA

Jan 20, 2011

Writing Feedback / Some people think robots can improve humans' life in the future [3]

Hi there
First of all I think in your introduction you need to introduce the state of the problem and then give your opinion, which you partially did, followed by paragraphs that clarifying your opinion by examples, which you have given some. Unfortunately, later in paragraphs you did not deliberate your examples mentioned in your introduction. For example you didn't elaborate your idea that "people would have more time for friends" later in none of the body of your writing.

Another problem is lack of coherence in your statement such as second paragraph in which you express an idea, which later is refuted.

I think is better for you start with a concept map regarding to subject then try to follow that map in your writing process with defined opinion and supporting examples.

Good luck
If there is anything to say or add don't hesitate to try.

Respectfully

ARIA

ARIA

Jan 17, 2011

Writing Feedback / How money was spent in different entertainment- IELTS task [4]

Thank you for your quick reply.

As I understand from your suggestion, I have to write more in detail with mentioning the numbers, but for parameters with less frequency I am not able to give an exact number. I just tried to show an approximately information such as, almost double or ... .

Now I corrected and implemented some of your suggestion, hope to be better.

Please do not forget an estimated score.

Question:
The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

A:
Task one IELTS

The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

In this report I am going to describe the money spent on entertainment market in 3 main part of the world, the Asia, Europe and United States between years 1995- 2000 in different field of entertainment.

As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money on entertainment followed by Europe and Asia at the third place. The money spent by American for fun was almost double of European and close to three times of the Asians expenditure. Furthermore, the trend for amount of money spent during the five years was higher in United States in comparison with other mentioned regions. The difference of money allocated in United States between 1995 and 2000 is about 73 billion, however this money is 34 billion for Europeans and 43 billion for Asians.

In almost all 3 regions with some small exceptions, people spent more money on publishing and less on cinema. Furthermore, the use of TV, as a convenient and cheap visual entertainment is in second place on all three places and the trend of its usage almost doubled in US and Asia during this period of time. Meanwhile, in US and Asia spending on music increased but in Europe it had a slight inverse trend. The trend of spending on video increased in all places with the same pace.

ARIA

Jan 17, 2011

Writing Feedback / How money was spent in different entertainment- IELTS task [4]

Hi guys
Thank you for giving me the opportunity of checking my writing task, and I hope I would pay back all of your effort.
Unfortunately, I made a mistake and wrongly sent my request on other posting, hoping that moderators forgive me.

This is my first try in IELTS task one writing. I have had before the experience for writing essay and integrated task , which I found it very challenging, in TOEFL exam.

pleas give me a feed back about this writing and if is possible a band score for this
the task has 192 words and took 36 minutes for my first try, however I reconize taht i spent lots of time and world for it.

I also thanks Sayaza Hanisah for borrowing the picture of the graph.

---------------------------

Question:
The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

A:
In this report I am going to describe the money spent on entertainment market in 3 main part of the world, the Asia, Europe and United States between years 1995- 2000 in different field of entertainment.

As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money for entertainment follow by Europe and the Asia at the third place. The money spent by American for fun was almost double of European and close to three times of the Asians. Furthermore, the trend for amount of money spent during the five years was more significant in United States in comparison with other parts. The difference of money spent in United States between 1995 and 2000 is about 73 billion, however this money is 34 billion for Europe and 43 billion for Asians.

In almost all 3 regions with some small exceptions people spent more money on books and papers and less on cinema. However, TV as a convenient and cheap visual entertainment is in second place for spending money for fun. It can also be shown that the United State and Asia almost doubled their use of TV during the 5 years period.

The Graph

ARIA

Jan 17, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Money spent on different forms of entertainment (WT1) [8]

Hi guys
Thank you for giving me the opportunity of checking my writing task, and I hope I would pay back all of your effort.

This is my first try in IELTS task one writing. I have had before the experience for writing essay and integrated task , which I found it very challenging, in TOEFL exam.

pleas give me a feed back about this writing and if is possible a band score for this
the task has 192 words and took 36 minutes for my first try, however I reconize taht i spent lots of time and world for it.

I also thanks Sayaza Hanisah for borrowing the picture of graph.

Task one IELTS
The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

In this report I am going to describe the money spent on entertainment market in 3 main part of the world, the Asia, Europe and United States between years 1995- 2000 in different field of entertainment.

As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money for entertainment follow by Europe and the Asia at the third place. The money spent by American for fun was almost double of European and close to three times of the Asians. Furthermore, the trend for amount of money spent during the five years was more significant in United States in comparison with other parts. The difference of money spent in United States between 1995 and 2000 is about 73 billion, however this money is 34 billion for Europe and 43 billion for Asians.

In almost all 3 regions with some small exceptions people spent more money on books and papers and less on cinema. However, TV as a convenient and cheap visual entertainment is in second place for spending money for fun. It can also be shown that the United State and Asia almost doubled their use of TV during the 5 years period.