Writing Feedback / How money was spent in different entertainment- IELTS task [4]

Hi guys
Thank you for giving me the opportunity of checking my writing task, and I hope I would pay back all of your effort.
Unfortunately, I made a mistake and wrongly sent my request on other posting, hoping that moderators forgive me.

This is my first try in IELTS task one writing. I have had before the experience for writing essay and integrated task , which I found it very challenging, in TOEFL exam.

pleas give me a feed back about this writing and if is possible a band score for this
the task has 192 words and took 36 minutes for my first try, however I reconize taht i spent lots of time and world for it.

I also thanks Sayaza Hanisah for borrowing the picture of the graph.

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Question:
The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

A:
In this report I am going to describe the money spent on entertainment market in 3 main part of the world, the Asia, Europe and United States between years 1995- 2000 in different field of entertainment.

As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money for entertainment follow by Europe and the Asia at the third place. The money spent by American for fun was almost double of European and close to three times of the Asians. Furthermore, the trend for amount of money spent during the five years was more significant in United States in comparison with other parts. The difference of money spent in United States between 1995 and 2000 is about 73 billion, however this money is 34 billion for Europe and 43 billion for Asians.

In almost all 3 regions with some small exceptions people spent more money on books and papers and less on cinema. However, TV as a convenient and cheap visual entertainment is in second place for spending money for fun. It can also be shown that the United State and Asia almost doubled their use of TV during the 5 years period.

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  The Graph
  

Writing Feedback / Do you believe the use of Internet in formal education is a good idea? - IELTS Task 2 [5]

Please read this essay and give your opinion and if it is possible a band score
Thank you

Question:
University lecturers are now able to put their lecture on the Internet for students to read and so the importance of attending face to face lectures has been reduced.

Do you believe the use of Internet in formal education is a good idea? What future effects will the Internet have on academic study?

Answer:
When it comes to how the new technology such as computer and the Internet can improve our future education, people think differently. Some believe the Internet can change the essence of the traditional education from a serious issue to a kind of entertainment, while others think education by Internet can easier and more convenient.

I believe using the Internet can provide an accessible and convenient learning. The Internet with different features and tools provide an easier way to learn different materials. In future the Internet can provide a better, and more accessible academic education for people all around the world.

First of all, the Internet is an accessible and convenient source of information, which can be used for education. Almost everywhere with a computer and a communication line we can have an Internet connection and be in touch with different source of information. In addition, the distance from the college or university cannot be an obstacle. Moreover, by Internet we would be able to learn at any time we want. In a lecture if we miss a part we can go back and review the missing part for more effective learning.

Second, there are lots of features in Internet that can help us an effective and better learning. Use of different virtual graphics or animations in Internet can provide us an easier way to understand some complicated processes, such as what is happening in the centre of the earth in an earthquake or how a protein can be synthesized inside of a cell.

Finally, in future the Internet can have a positive impact on academic education. by more access to virtual libraries and sources of information via Internet in the future more people can have access to higher education and the inequality issue about education would be a story.

In conclusion, Internet can improve the quality of the education, by being more accessible and convenient than traditional style of education. There are more possibilities to learn anywhere at anytime. Moreover, there are lots of features in Internet that can help a better understanding of different materials in study. In addition, by minimising the physical distance the Internet can help other people to have opportunity for a better education and higher quality of life, no matter where they are.

Writing Feedback / Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents [5]

Question:
"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My Answer:

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents. The old fashioned idea of the parenthood as a mother task now would be rejected; however I believe nowadays, as both parents are responsible for creating of the kid, the nourishing and thriving of their children should be the main job for both of them. Now we live in a society where both parents have the same rights, and responsibility for doing their jobs out of parenting. Moreover, there are some skills that would be taught better by each parent.

Today we live in a society which both parents have the same rights and commitment for their life. An old fashion belief, which might put the responsibility of kids on the mother's shoulders do not have value anymore. As men need their time for job, rest or leisure time, mothers have their own right to spend their time as they want., regardless of their commitment as a mother.

Moreover, in new technological economy of the new world both parents should work to have a better quality of life. Now numbers of the women in working force sometimes surpass the number of the men. Considering rising the kids as women job is not fare while they have the same economic burden at family income as breadwinner.

At the end, there are skills that both parents should learn to their children. Love, affection, and compassion are lessons that moms can better teach to their kids, while fathers are keen on lessons such as hard work, resistance, leadership and lots of other masculine skills.

In conclusion, as both parents had the share for creating the kids then they have work together bring them up in a better way. Both parents have the same rights for living then they should have time for themselves, this right is more eminence since women started economically help the men in family, then have more responsibility out of the house. Furthermore, there are some skills that kids can learn better from each parent.

Writing Feedback / Should juries have access to information about the defendant's. IELTS Task 2. [3]

Question Under British and Australian law the jury in a criminal case has no access to information about the defendant past criminal record. This protects the person who is being accused of the crime.

Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all the past facts before they reach their decision about the case.

Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.

Answer:

The decisions made by juries, since can interfere with a person's future, as defendant can be very challenging. Like all jobs, which try to discover the truth about an event the discoverer need enough body of evidence to do deliberately research and find the truth. In law field the main role of jury could be as a researcher who need more evidences, which could be for or against convicting a defender. I believe, against the British and Australian law, a jury should have access in the defendant's past records, which can give them a wider view about the defendant character and help them to make a better decision.

In one hand, a criminal cannot become an outlaw person overnight. There are some factors in the persons' life that can influence their behaviour. By knowing those factors a jury can decide better if that person can be culprit or not. For example, if the jury be informed that the suspect is a brilliant person with prominent academic background, the odds to be a shoplifter can be very low.

In other hand, the past criminal record of a person can help the juries to better match evidences for convicting a defendant. I believe a criminal do not commit a crime once, and try to repeat in different circumstances the crime which are talented for. If a person is convicted in a sex crime for several times, the chance to do the same crime for one more time is not too low.

To put in a nutshell, I believe the restriction of access in criminal records of defendants which is practiced in some countries law system can limited the ability of the juries to make a right decision. The back ground and the environment that persons were grown up can influence their future and help juries better to elaborate some verdicts. Furthermore, the antecedent of persons can be a tool for guessing if the person commits the crime or not.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Grahp (the pattern of smoking of different sexes) [5]

Hi Guys
I wrote this writing task 1 for ielts
I would appreciate any comment or suggestion and it will bw great if anyone give me an approximate band score
thanks a lot

Q: Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the
graph below.
You should write at least 150 words.

The graph shows the pattern of smoking of different sexes in Someland during 1960 -2000. As an overall pattern the graph give us the information that the number smoker men started to decline during this period of the time, while the number of women smokers had a rise until 1975 then started an slightly fall to the end of this time. Moreover, the number of male smoking was always more than women during this period of the time.

A holistic view on men's smoking numbers shows that the number of male smoker has slightly dropped during the time from 600 per 1000 person by almost 350 during 40 years. This decline shows that smoking lost its popularity among the men during the time.

However, women show another trend regarding the numbers of smokers at this period. Female smokers, which account less than 100 smokers per 1000 person at the beginning of this period, have two jumps during the time. The first one is from 1960 when female smoker have risen of 200 in 1965 and stayed levelled off for 5 years. The second increase was from 1970 to 1975 when they reached to over 300 smokers per 1000 person. Since 1975 the number of women smoking have a steady dropped until year 2000 when the number reached to around 200 smokers per 1000 person.

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  graph 1
  

Writing Feedback / Ielts Graph (mortality and funding on different diseases) [8]

Thank in advance you guys
I welcome any suggestion

The graphs show the money spent on medical researches for some infectious diseases and mortality of those diseases in Someland in 1990.

A holistic view on 2 graphs shows that the necessary resources for research does not distribute properly according to the weight of the diseases in the way that some diseases with highest mortality received lesser money rather than diseases with lower mortality.

The comparison of two graphs shows that TB has the highest number of the death in 1990 with around 1.8 million deaths in year, however the money allocated for research on this disease was about 20 million. In contrast, disease such as AIDS with the least mortality on about 200.000 deaths in year received around 180 million. The same inequality can be seen for diseases like diarrhoea and malaria. Both diseases as second and respectively third killer among infectious diseases in Someland took less money than leprosy and tropical diseases with less mortality in 1990.

In conclusion, the graphs show that the money spent for research on different infectious diseases was not distributed according to the burden of the disease.

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  graph 1
  
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  graph 2
  

Writing Feedback / (charts) EDUCATION ACHIEVEMENT IN WOMEN IN 1945-1995. [3]

The pie charts compare difference of the education levels of women in Someland between years 1945 and 1995. It is clearly seen that illiterate women who formed more than a third of the women population in 1945 has disappeared in 1995, in stead half of the women population in 1995 had a first degree.

First, in 1945 women with the education level less than 3 years were about 70 % of female population, while 35% of them were illiterate, while only 4% of them finished higher level of education as post graduate and only 1% had their first degree.

In other side in 1995 there are no more women with education level of lower than 6 years, moreover they reached to the place that 50% of them have achieved their first degree, and the percentage of the women with postgraduate degree reached to 20%.

In conclusion, comparison of the pie charts demonstrates that from 1945 to 1995 the illiteracy in Someland' women has totally eradicated and at the end of the period more women in Someland have higher education.

time 24 minutes
word count 179

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  chart 1
  
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  chart 2
  

Writing Feedback / (chart) Leisure activity in different ages, IELTS Task 1 [2]

Hi Guys
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

time 38 minutes
227 words

The table shows how the people of Someland in different age groups spent their spare time during a year. It is clearly seen that two extreme age groups, teenagers and those over 70s, spent most of their time watching TV or videos, while the physical activities are almost zero on those over 60s.

It can be seen that some activities such as watching TV had a bimodal pattern in different age groups. Teens spent almost 1200 hr/yr of their time in front of silver screen, after that the TV lost its popularity in following age groups and reached in its lowest level in those in their 30s with around 400 hr/yr. Furthermore, it started to increase to about 110 hr/yr in those on their 70s.

Moreover, those in their 30s and 40s in comparison with other age groups liked to socialise a better time with small groups of the their friends. A practice which is more popular with bigger groups in younger ages, teenagers and those in their 20s, respectively.

As far as the physical activities are concerned, it was more popular at age groups who feel younger and more energetic.

In conclusion, people of Someland spent their leisure time regarding to their age.
Youngsters had more social and physical activities, however those in advanced age preferred to spend their time in sedentary and smaller size groups.

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Writing Feedback / Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it? [8]

Hi Guys
Thank you in advance for your comment and suggestion.
Is any body knows how I can add a graph or image which its format is not with .jpg
actually I wrote a task 1 writing and I don't have the electronic version of the chart. how can I attach the image. the only thing that I have is just "scrap object"

it would be great if to find.
Aria

People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

There are different definitions for a perfect society, which could be made from different points of views. Human beings during the history always tried to create one of these communities as groups, countries, tribes, etc, and because of different reasons its effort could not have a brilliant result. I believe an ideal society is a place which all people have the same right and freedom regardless to their colours, religions, or ethnicities. it has a healthy and logical structures, which help the society to reach in a perfect relationship, and achieves its goal.

Nowadays, the most important issue for any person is living in an egalitarian society. All people should have the same right and freedom for the way they want to live. This right should be available for all members of society, regardless to their mode of thinking, belief, or race. In this way these people consider the society their own home and help to increase the quality and value of there. Now we can observe an influx of immigration from different nationality to different developed countries, which praise this value and equality and contribute on empowerment of those countries as their own country.

More over, an ideal community is a place where is build upon a healthy and logical structure. In such a place any kind of problem is each person problem and would be discussed within the members of the society regarding to their expertise, and the resolution come out by a healthy and open mind discussion from inside of that society. It can be clearly seen that in most of the developed countries, which led the main economical and technological powers in the last two centuries, the solutions for their problems came out from their own by smart decision based on their public opinions.

In a nutshell, although there could be a different definition for a perfect society, I believe a perfect society is one where all members have the same right and with freedom, so they easily can collaborate to plan and achieve their goal in order to make their future.

Writing Feedback / 'cocoon to become a silk' - The life cycle of silkworm. IELTS chart [5]

Hi Penfriends
there is an Task 1 IELTS writing.
I appreciate your time and all of your effort for your suggestion.
Aria

The first diagram shows the life cycle of the silkworm, which takes around 72-94 days and the second diagram shows the process in which the silk textile are made from the cocoons, a part of the silkworm life cycle.

According to the first figure the silkworm life cycle starts from laying eggs from mature moth. After 10 days that the larvae come out of the eggs and start to consume mulberry leaves as their main source of nutrition. During the next 4-6 weeks they become larger in size and start to secret silk fibre, which makes a shelter around them and is known as Cocoon. In the next 3-8 days the cocoon become totally close from inside and the larvae complete their last phase of metamorphism in the next 16 days. At the end of this period the mature moth come out from the cocoon and start a new life cycle in its own round.

The fate of the cocoon to become a silk fabric is started after selecting of the cocoons in the first step. Later the cocoons are put in the boiled water, by which the micro fibre of the silk that their length varied between 300-900 meter are unwind from the cocoons and twisted together to become a thicker and stronger thread. Those threads will be dyeing in different colours and send to the last step of producing the silk cloth, which is known as weaving.

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  figurs 1 & 2
  

Writing Feedback / Spending life time in a changing manner. IELTS Task 2 [6]

Hi good friends
there is a Task 2 IELTS writing, and I appreciate in advance your comment.
Aria

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding changes. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

When it comes to the changes in life, some people like a monotone rhythm of life with the same place and people, which they see every day and years, whereas, other like a dynamic and challenging mode of living, that give them different opportunities. I found a monotone life style is boring and like most of the time to change my job, places and even hobbies. It can help in better way to get ride of a uniform of and usual life pattern and give you the chance to see and meet other place and people.

The first thing that a changeable mode of living gives you is that you leave a boring and repetitive rhythm of your daily life. It is tiring to meet the same people everyday and go to the same way to reach in your workplace, or give the same salary, either. The kind of life that you have can also influence your performance and have effect on your abilities. It is like to watch a movie times and times without adding any new pleasure or information to you.

Moreover, modifying your usual life such as changing your job or place give you the opportunity to visit more places and meet different people. Furthermore by changing your lifestyle you have a better chance to promote your material and mental states. Changing in different levels at school during our education life is a good example of changing and enjoying of our life.

In conclusion, although, some people prefer to have their life as constant as they can, I prefer to have a more dynamic and actively changeable life. it will be a chance to see different environments and challenges years and years while see more places and fabulous people, which can provide me more opportunities.