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Posts by hvthoteen
Joined: May 31, 2011		 Last Post: Nov 4, 2012
Threads: 16
Posts: 44  
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From: Viet Nam

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hvthoteen   
Jul 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / Academic writing Ielts: Effects of globalization [5]

Ielts Topic: Even though globalization affects the world's economies in a positive way, its negative side shouldn't be forgotten. Discuss.
Please help me with my first post:

There has appeared endless controversy over globalization. Governments of many countries are trying to figure out the major effects of this phenomenon to adapt to a changing world. The purpose of my writing is to critically analyse the typical impacts of globalization on our world.

Globalization has a massive impact on the global economy. Nowadays, commercial trading between countries all around the world has become easier than ever before. Two countries can become solid partners of one another, regardless of their geographic distances or cultural differences. Customers benefit from this progress because high-quality goods and services that appear in a country will be almost immediately promoted in others. Hence, it is easy to see a Vietnamese student using a new Iphone which has been just released into the market by Apple.

Cultural exchange is also one of the most striking impacts of globalization on our lives. As I have mentioned above, the relationships between countries are being strengthened tighter and tighter, which results in a deeper exchange in culture between different communities. Consequently, for instance, there are big Chines communities in various contries, which helps show the world an insight of the country's beautiful traditions and customs.

However, everything has it bad side and globalization is no exception. Developing countries are likely to suffer the most disadvantages of the changes of the world, including competition in commodity market with big nations, pressure on natural resources, environmental problems, especially working conditions for the native workers in foreign company's factories based on their countries. There is a bitter fact that more and more young workers are paid low wages to work in a very bad working environment. in factories invested by multinational coporations of big economies.

In conclusion, from my perspective, in spite of some detrimental effects on developing countries, globalization are changing the world as a whole in a positive way. I strongly recommend that governments of countries all around the world should carefully consider my anlysis on globalizaiton to make appropriate policies in this new era.
hvthoteen   
Jul 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ambitious dreams encourage people to endlessly try for their success [3]

i think
" a thorough consideration" is right
" to support my argument: "
" Also, people are discouraged and think that they cannot accomplish anything whenever they go through the failures ": i think this sentence is not weird
hvthoteen   
Jul 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: choosing studying at home or at school [4]

Ielts topic: In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or televisions or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice

My essay:
Studying at school or at home is a hotly debated topic. From my own viewpoint, I am in favor of being at school because there are typical things I cannot experience by just studying at home. Studying with many classmates in an educational environment not only brings me useful information, offers a chance for interaction with various people but also creates motivation for me to learn better. Therefore, I believe that I will learn a great deal more at school.

Information comes from both technology and people around. At home, by using a computer or by watching television, I can accumulate a variety of information. But I can even learn more. At school, by discussing ideas with my friends or by asking teachers for help in my exercises, my knowledge is enriched a lot. Hence, I think I learn better at school.

Interaction with other people increases my experiences and skills. When I study at home, there is no partner to exchange ideas with me. Gradually, I will become passive. That is why I hate studying alone at home. Meanwhile, when I study at school, there are many friends to discuss exercises or heated topics with me. Consequently, my results in studying will be better. Also, I can improve my team work ability and communicating skills. It is easy to see that I really benefit when studying at school.

In addition, motivation from competition with other students encourages me to study harder. At school, I tend to learn more when my grade is lower than other students'. At home, I seem to study lazily because I do not know how others perform. Personally, I think the average results of students will be raised when they are at school.

In conclusion, I would concede that studying at home has its own advantages. However, plentiful information, necessary interaction and strong motivation at school greatly convince me that school is the best place for me to study.
hvthoteen   
Jul 17, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing: taking a gap year or entering university as soon as possible ? [5]

What do you prefer: taking a gap year or entering university as soon as possible ?
My essay:
After finishing high school, many students choose to take a gap year while others decide to continue their study as soon as possible. Personally, I find taking a gap year more preferable. I can spend the time preparing for my future study, developing skills and enjoying myself. Therefore, i will spend a year before university experiencing the life instead of studying straight away.

Above all, study preparation is important. Attending university after high school really makes me confused with the choice which major to study. Meanwhile, taking a gap year helps me find out my most interest and, therefore, I can make the right choice. Also, I can accumilate necessary knowledge to support my future study. Consequently, my study efficiency will be raised. That is why I think a gap year is useful.

In addition, skills development is necessary. Taking a gap year brings me a chance to interact with various people, through which I can find the best way to communicate with every kind of people. As a result, my communication skill will be improved. Also, doing a part-time job in the gap year will develop my presentation and teamwork skills a lot. These skills will certainly support my study at university. From my perspective, skills development is one of the most advantages of taking a gap year.

Furthermore, the gap year is the best time to enjoy myself. If I attend university straight away, I can have more new friends and start a student life. However, I will experience these later. If I take a gap year, I can have more free time and do what I cannot do when I am at high school. Because I love travelling to new places, this time is really precious to me. I will also have time to do voluntary work to play a small part in helping ease some social problems. This benefit strongly convinces me of spending a year for experiences rather than attending university as soon as possible.

In conclusion, I agree that starting higher education right after high school has its own advantages. However, I prefer to take a gap year because it brings me not only future study preparation, necessary skills development but also valuable life enjoyment. I think this choice is best for me.

Can you comment based on ielts standard? i am trying to improve my ielts writing
hvthoteen   
Jul 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / what would we do to live longer? [3]

i think your should pronouce better before trying to write
i even don't know what you are writing
hvthoteen   
Jul 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: why do some students study abroad [5]

Topic: Why do some students study abroad? Explain.



Today, students tend to choose to continue their study after high school at a university in a foreign country. The purpose of my writing is to critically discuss the main reasons for this tendency. From my perspective, study efficiency, skills improvement and life experience are the most important reasons why some students want to study abroad.

Above all, study efficiency is crucially important. Some students are inclined to attend universities that provide them with good facilities and top professors on their majors so that they can realize their dreams. It will be easier for them to gain outstanding results in such professional environments. Moreover, foreign students are always motivated by their nation pride. That is why it is common to see that students studying abroad usually achieve great respect from native students.

In addition, skills improvement is necessary and useful. Being in a new country, you have to adapt yourself ti a new environment with a different way of living, new language, strange foods and so forth. You also have to start an independent life because you temporarily do not live together with your family. All of these will develop your living skills and make you a great deal more mature.

Finally, being a foreigner is interesting. The tradition and culture in the country you study certainly have some things different from your homeland's. Therefore, it is a good chance for you to discover. Also, if you have ample time, travelling in a new country is really attractive. This will increase your knowledge and experience as well.

In conclusion, I think studying effectively, developing skills and experiencing a new life are the main reasons why some students decide to study abroad. Personally, if I have a chance to go to another country for studying, I will take it without hesitation.
hvthoteen   
Jul 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts: (career / life experience) - Why do people go to university or college? [5]

Why do people go to university or college?

Why people go to college is a hotly debated topic. From my perspective, career preparation and life experience are the two main reasons. Academic knowledge and skills development contribute to people's future success. Furthermore, an independent life as a student is a memorable experience.

Above all, career preparation is the major goal of almost every student. The fact is that specialized knowledge is essential for people' future jobs. Supposing a person has desire to word in information technology field, he should go to college to acquire specific knowledge on computer, internet, or gadget because passion only is not enough. Moreover, skills improvement is crucially important to job promotion. It is common that students have the opportunity to discuss and work in group so they are likely to ameliorate their teamwork skill. They are often required to demonstrate their ideas before the whole class as well. As a result, students can develop the presenting ability. Without doubt, at college, people are certain to prepare well for their intended jobs.

In addition, a life as a student is possibly one of the most memorable experiences to many people. For someone, studying at college means an independent life in another city starts, through which they know how to take care of themselves and meliorate living skills. This makes them a great deal more mature. Furthermore, being a student is interesting. People have more chances to make new friends from various places when they attend college. People have more chances to do what they eager to do when they attend college. It is doubtless that attending college is wonderful.

In conclusion, people go to college for two primary reasons, including career preparation and life experience. Knowledge accumulation and skills improvement offer people more opportunities to get a good job while becoming a student with an independent life brings people unforgettable experiences. I think attending college plays an important part in the life of many people
hvthoteen   
Jul 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Eating out or Eating at home? Home food is the best! [8]

But and nevertheless should not be put closely. Instead you can use although or though.
I think the first sentence is not very good because different people can have different ideas for this. You cannot assess who are right. using in my opinion or similar phrases will be better

Also, use foods instead of food
Do not use etc in an academic writing.
Good luck :d
hvthoteen   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

"The advantages of urbanization could be better economy and education and also less land to be used for agricultural purposes"
I think this sentence should be fixed:
The advantages of urbanization could be better economy,education, and environment.
It is parallel and clear

"This can be argued a good impact on the environment"
I add "as" before "a good impact"

"Often they have to work the jobs that they have to exert themselves so hard, such as the works in construction sites, and are often in dangers which can cause death to them"

I think this sentence is a little too long and it can be confusing with some people.

The way you start a sentence by using "often" varies in two sentences in a row

"Often, people from poor villages when they move to an urban area they have no choice but to live in the places which have no electricity and clean drink water"

It is missing something :d
also, drinking water, not " drink water"

"Moreover, the expansion of city often leads to trees have to be cut off for buildings to rise"
leads to tree cutting would be right

"The reduced amount of trees can be easily linked to a rapid fall in the quality of air which can severely damage the health of many people"

...of air, which can ...

"more bad is felt to be resulted from this phenomenon than good"
good and bad are adj so adding impacts or effects

rapidly increasing trend and the number of cities

My opinion :d
hvthoteen   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'People are envy'; advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need [3]

Let's pay attention to the structure. i think your aim is to write an academic writing for toefl or ielts so you should concentrate on the structure first. An essay has an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. The introductory paragraph must has a thesis statement and supporting details, which you deeply discuss in the body. The body has 2-3 paragraphs, each of which focuses on one supporting detail mentioned above and has a topic sentence. In conclusion, you should restate your main ideas.

I think you should follow this structure when you write :d
hvthoteen   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Your friend has enough money either to go on a holiday or to buy a new [3]

Topic: Your friend has enough money either to go on a holiday or to buy a new bike. Advise him.

At present, my friend, Nam, has sufficient money either to take a holiday or to spend for a new bike. He does not know which to choose. Personally, if i were him, i would go on a holiday for personal enjoyment and self-perfection.

Above all, personal enjoyment is necessary to him. He told me that his parents put enormous pressure on him to gain a scholarship. Although he has achieved the goal, he feels stressed and unhappy. That is the primary reason that i suggest him spending time doing what he wants to do. There are cultural events so he is certain to discover a lot in his favorite field, art and culture. With a holiday, he also has the chance to visit places of interest, which helps refresh his mind and relax himself. Indeed, the holiday will balance his life and make him love the life more.

In addition, self-perfection holds no less importance. I see that he concentrated to much on studying both at class and at home without having time to equip himself with some fundamental living skills. This is possible to have adverse impacts on his life later on. Meanwhile, the holiday is likely to offer him the opportunity to learn how to take care of himself and how to live independently on his parents. He also has more chances to interact with many people from various places. This is sure to ameliorate his communication skills. With no doubt, the holiday is useful to him.

In conclusion, i strongly recommend that Nam should use his money to go on a holiday to enjoy and perfect himself. The holiday not only brings him happiness and entertainment, but also improve some of his living skills. I hope that he would take my advice.
hvthoteen   
Jul 25, 2011
Writing Feedback / TELTS-- traditional ideas help teenagers for promising future? [2]

"Thinking twice before action as well as paying more attention to words are some treasures in traditional thinking and behavior, being handed down from one generation to the other."

This sentence is not very clear about which are being handed down from ...
I think you had better use a relative clause.

"ideals" : it is merely a typing mistake, isn't it? :d

"Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring"

i think you should have used mentioned ancestors, parents, or grandparents before use "offspring". You can use the young generation instead. Also, who does "we" refer to? This topic focuses on the young generation so the pronoun "we" is not very suitable :D

This sentence can be fixed: "Although some former customs are considered old-fashioned, there are many traditional ways of living useful for the young people."

Moreover, i cannot understand what are you presenting in the second paragraph. There are many problems in this part of your writing.

I think "Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring." is your thesis statement, which shows that you tend to show the advantageous impacts of traditional ideas on the young generation. However, your second paragraph shows the contrary.

"Granted, many concepts of traditional values are no longer compatible with the contemporary society.": This sentence seems to miss a clause.

"Even though we can hear that some traditional ideals are blamed, from my own perspective, we still should follow some ideas which are useful for offspring."

"Therefore, youngsters may find themselves integrate into the society if they follow as none of companies would be admitted to the employees lack of innovation." This is really a confusing sentence.

Much pressure has been shouldered.

"If being taught of several considerations before taking actions, the wrong behaviors would be avoided." There is no subject in the first clause.

"Further, individual should pay more attention to the word they say in mutual communication. " --> Furthermore, every individual should pay more attention to the words they use to communicate with each other.

"cause intensive relationships which is damaging to working efficiency" --> , which is...

"cooperate with others well."--> cooperate well with others.

"Although the negative side of some traditional concepts still exists, it does not mean that we should discard all and regard it as usefulness in young generations" This sentence is wrong in meaning

"There are quite a few traditional values are of help for the growing of next generation." --> ...values helping in the growth of the next generation

I think you should improve your grammar before practicing writing an essay
hvthoteen   
Jul 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL, The best things in life do not cost money, agree or disagree [9]

"like buying a house and educational tuitions, as well as paying taxes on time": this is not parallel. You should use gerunds only.

"But, the aroused question it is that whether the best things in life cost money or not."--> However, the aroused question is whether the best things in life cost money or not ?

"There are some reasons due to my preference that are mentioned below"
--> reasons for my preference.In this case, the word "that" means "reasons",but the position is wrong. Moreover, you should show your main reasons before ending the introductory paragraph.

"Growing technology in the world tends people to be busier with earning money"--> tends to make people busier ...

"According to the psychologist, money is the first priority for many people nowadays, and this issue makes them be greedy"
--> According to psychologists, nowadays, money is the first priority for many people, which makes them a great deal more greedy.

"who immerse themselves in making money, have a psychological disorder, and that is due to not being satisfied from their life"
--> who immerse themselves in making money have a psychological disorder because they are not satisfied with their lives. This sentence is true in grammar but the argument is not very persuasive :d

"The psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problem, and by becoming a rich man they want to pretend being a successful one"

---> Psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problems. By becoming a rich man, they want to pretend to be a successful one.

Note: i fix this sentence in grammar aspect. However, i do not understand your idea :d

"Sometime, it is necessary to look back in our life and estimate what have higher preference in our life."
---> Sometimes, it is necessary to look back and estimate what has higher preference in our lives.

I think your first paragraph lacks a topic sentence. Moreover, it seems to be irrelevant.

"Although expenditures can creates stress, enough money will never make you relaxed." This sentence is not very clear :d

"How much the kindness of a mother cost?"
---> How much does the kindness of a mother cost ?

"makes "--> make

"However money is necessary in our life, it can never be replaced of love and kindness in our life."
--->Although money is necessary, it can never replace love and kindness in our life.

I advise that you should have a look at the structure of toefl essay and improve your grammar :d
hvthoteen   
Jul 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts Topic:Some people say that physical exercises should be a required part [2]

Topic:Some people say that physical exercises should be a required part of every school day. Others believe that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Which do you agree with?

Essay:

Whether students should be required to do physical exercises every school day or they should just focus on studying academic subjects is a hotly debated topic. Different people possess their different reasons for their different choices. From my perspective, physical exercises need to be included in school day curriculum because they not only increase the health of students, but also improve their study efficiency.

First and foremost, health improvement is crucially important to students. It is the fact that doing exercises regularly will better the physical condition of everybody, especially high school students. Today, many students tend to play games or watch movies rather than take part in physical activities. If the exercises are required at school, students all benefit because they do exercises almost everyday. Physical practice also makes students a great deal more comfortable after tense hours at academic classes, which is mentally good. It is common that parents expect their children to learn well. This sometimes leads to unnecessary pressure on students. With sport activities at school, students can refresh their mind and relax themselves. Indeed, physical exercises as a required part of school day has advantageous impacts on students' health.

Next, high study efficiency is the goal of almost every student. Many people agree that study motivation is important. If students only concentrate on studying at class all day long, they certainly feel tired of listening to the teachers or answering questions on textbooks. Meanwhile, if students do exercises at school, they possibly feel a lot more comfortable and active. Consequently, they are motivated to perform better. Moreover, connection among students helps them learn more. While taking part in physical exercises at school, students have the opportunity to talk more with one another about hobbies and interests instead of making a discussion over a homework or an academic topic. This brings them closer. As a result, they are likely to study better together. Personally, I strongly believe that physical exercises help students improve their study.

In conclusion, I think physical exercises should be added to every school day curriculum. The exercises not only increase students' health, but also develop their study efficiency. I believe that many students share the same opinion with me.
hvthoteen   
Aug 3, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl: "health improvement and time-saving" food has become easier to prepare... [3]

Toefl topic: Nowadays food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Whether easier ways to prepare food improves people's lives or not is a hotly debated topic. Numerous ideas have been demonstrated. From my perspective, people benefit when food is more convenient to cook because this change not only increase people's health, but also save them more time.

First and foremost, health improvement is essential for a good life. The fact is that there are now modern appliances in the kitchen so that people are possible to prepare food in an easy way, which leads them to cook several types of food with a great deal of nutrition. A meal with more nutritious food is likely to provide children with necessary substances to boost their immune system, adults with enough energy to work, and elderly people with suitable materials to maintain stable health. Moreover, nutrition in food remains almost unchanged in a certain amount of time with the help from advanced preservation methods. This progress is sure to decrease diseases related to leftover food. Indeed, the change in making food helps increase people's health.

In addition, time-saving is crucially important in a modern society. It is apparent that the life today is fast, which means that people tend to have less time to cook. However, this is no longer a serious problem because there have appeared new tools, devices, and effective recipes that allow people to prepare food in a short time. With time saved, people can concentrate on their jobs to raise working efficiency. For many, especially women, having more time helps them care for their children and families better. Without any doubt, convenient food preparation helps people a lot by saving them more time.

In conclusion, both health improvement and time-saving strongly convinces me that easier process to cook food has positive impacts on people's way of living. The progress not only makes people healthier, but also brings them more time in a busy society. All of these advantages are valuable.
hvthoteen   
Aug 4, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Music is a well-received art form" - IELTS - Music [3]

in the introductory paragraph, you do not mention that you will also discuss about "Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?"

Moreover, your ideas in the third paragraph seem irrelevant because the question focus on the importance of traditional music compared with international music
That is my opinion
hvthoteen   
Aug 4, 2011
Writing Feedback / I would concede that knowledge from books is widely accepted - Ielts topic [3]

It has been said that, "Not everything that is learned is contained in books". Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience and knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?

The differences between knowledge from books and from experience have erupted endless controversy. Various ideas and preferences have been presented. The purpose of my writing is to deeply discuss these sources of knowledge in two important aspects: accuracy and practicability, and to show my greater interest in knowledge accumulated from experience.

First and foremost, the accuracy of knowledge is crucially important. It is apparent that books are often written by professors, experts, or authorities in a variety of fields. Therefore, knowledge acquired from books is greatly accepted, which means that it is right to the bulk of people. Meanwhile, knowledge from experience seems a little different from information contained in books. To cite an example, it is common in books that water boils at 100 Celcius degree. However, the result is not always the same in reality because it also depends on the height, the purity of the water, and even the measuring tool. By and large, each source of knowledge has its own accuracy rate.

Next, the practicability is one of the most essential factors of knowledge. In my experience, information contained in books is usually put in criteria so that many people can read and understand the content. Consequently, it is difficult to apply knowledge from books into practice. Whereas, it is easy to put knowledge from experience in real life because it is acquired from what have happened to them. For instance, a student decides to learn about chemical reactions from books. This method is likely to be fast, simple, and even safe. Nevertheless, there is an increased likelihood that he neither remembers the necessary information for a long time nor knows how to do an make an experiment. Meanwhile, if he goes to the library and carries out the reactions, he is certain to have a thorough grasp of the phenomena seen. He is also able to use this information for the next times. Indeed, knowledge from experience helps people more than knowledge from books does.

In conclusion, I would concede that knowledge from books is widely accepted. However, I consider knowledge from experience as the more important source because of its negative impacts on real life. Experiencing a thing and drawing information from it is really interesting and helpful.
hvthoteen   
Aug 4, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS--Solve traffic and housing problems by moving companies to the rural areas? [3]

your grammar and vocabulary are so impressive. There are many phrases and new words useful to me.

However, i think the structure should be fixed

In the first paragraph, you have mentioned some urban problems such as urban housing crisis and traffic congestion. This is good. However, it is more important to include the specific reasons why you disapprove, of which your writing lacks. Let's see you only say "for it cannot alter the situation essentially and instead it may give rise to new concerns in rural areas"

This is unclear.

Moreover, i think your second paragraph is not very suitable. You should focus on your reasons . Just briefly talk about the advantages in the introductory or conclusion paragraphs.

One small thing, the conclusion should not be so short D:

I think if you can fix this mistakes, your essay will be nearly perfect :)
hvthoteen   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / Modern technology can replace museums and art galleries agree or disagree? [2]

"replace many area" --> replace many areas

"also can instead of museums " instead is not a verb

"can not be replaced forever" it is not clear here

Moreover, you should include specific reasons for your disagreement in the introductory paragraph

"realistic feeling to audience" --> realistic feelings to audiences

"electrical screen effects people" --> electrical screen has detrimental effects on

"Therefore, museums and art galleries can not disappear because it is not beneficial that viewing exhibitions on the televisions." I think the use of therefore and because in one sentence is not very suitable

"can not be disappeared" --> cannot disappear

"In spite of " --> although

Good luck !
hvthoteen   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / If child wants to do well in school, parents should limit the hours wasted on TV? [2]

Although i am not sure how to write this type of topic, i think your way of organizing main ideas in 3 body paragraphs is good.

However, there are some mistakes that you should fix

Include your 3 main ideas in the first paragraph to guide the readers

"make the effort" --> make an effort

"which similarly distract him from his study and actually consumed more time" --> , which similarly distracts him from his study and actually consumes more time

"scratch the surface" --> scratching the surface

"Since limiting the hours that a child spends on watching TV is only a superficial solution and may not be effective, I think that comprehensively improve the teaching quality would be a radical way to make students do well at school" --> this sentence is too long and confusing. Moreover, the second clause is wrong in grammar

"schools hold more outdoor activities" --> schools held more outdoors activities

That is all
hvthoteen   
Aug 9, 2011
Writing Feedback / Tofle topic: a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near you [NEW]

Topic: a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

Essay:
Building a new factory is possible to change a community in various ways. It can create jobs to decrease the unemployment rate. As a result, it will boost the local economy and ease some social problems. Even so, the detrimental repercussions outweigh the benefits. Noise and pollution is likely to disturb the normal lives of local residents. That is why I oppose the plan to put a large factory near my community.

Above all, everybody would concede that jobs creation is important to a community. It is widely seen that that erecting a large factory leads to many vacant jobs, which is likely to reduce the number of unemployed people. This change is certain to ameliorate living condition of many people. Moreover, a fall in unemployment is sure to alleviate some social problems such as drug addiction and violence because when there are more people working, there are less people involved in such problems, By and large, the factory seems to bring the community some advantages.

However, adverse effects, including noise and pollution, are enormously serious. The fact is that a factory always comes along with much noise. That is annoying to the residents and especially harmful to the elderly people. My community is familiar with the peaceful atmosphere for a long time so it is difficult for them to adapt to the change. In addition, pollution is almost inevitable. Smog, dust, and other pollutants are able to destroy the present clean environment and to badly affect people's health. More seriously, negative influence on groundwater can cause many waterborne diseases. Indeed, the appearance of a new factory brings a variety of problems to my community.

In conclusion, it cannot be denied that the plan to build a factory near my community will improve the local economy and relieve some problems of the society. Nonetheless, its disadvantageous affections are possible to change my town into a noisy and polluted place. Therefore, I object to building the factory. There is a likelihood that no local resident would support this plan.
hvthoteen   
Aug 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / students should live at home with their parents or should live at school. Discuss. [2]

"Both sides seem to have some elements of truth that need to be discussed in detail" --> I think this sentence is not very suitable. Here can be an example: Living at each place has its own advantages and disadvantages.

Moreover, you should include your main ideas in the introductory paragraph.

"The popular wisdom for choosing the boarding school involves the recognition that students who spend most of their time at home are restrictive in terms of independency and perceptions of life" In my opinion, this sentence is a bit weird.

"children cannot possibly" --> you should not use possibly here

And a paragraph should not be merely a sentence

In general, your way of writing sentences sometimes confuse the readers :d
hvthoteen   
Aug 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should the youngsters have part-time jobs? [3]

"debate that if a kid should" --> debate over whether a kid should

In the first paragraph, you should add your main reasons for your statement

"it is our very nature" --> it is in our very nature

"purchasing new staffs constantly" --> i do not understand what you are writing :d

I feel that writing sentences is not your problem. However, the sentences you write do not clearly show your ideas. That is why i find it difficult to follow your essay

That is my view :)

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