/ The best way to educate primary school children?
Punctuation in that 'correction' still isn't great.
In terms of Grammatical Range and Accuracy, a band 7 "has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors," whereas a band 6 answer "makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication." To me, your errors do reduce communication at times and is a band 6.
As for Coherence and Cohesion, the answer still fits band 6: "uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical" as well as "may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately."
The answer, therefore, is still not an overall band 7.
Also, remember that the IELTS writing test is timed, so unless you wrote the answer in a time of up to about 40 minutes, you can't consider any score you get here to be a good prediction of how you would perform in an actual test.