You are correct. This is not what Stanford is looking for at all. What they want to see is how something....anything really sparked an interest in you. How did you run with the idea/experience. For example, your first flight on a plane intrigued you and you went home and started to study all aspects of aviation. How did tht experience change the way you apprached learning or your pursuit of other interests. Tell us about your Ah-Hah! moment. Try to make this about a non-school related event if at all possible. - Admissions Advice Online
Do yourself a major favor and do NOT write this...Just like the shooter reaches out to his gun, and the gun also reaches out to its shooter. Instead of waiting for others to talk to me, I started to reach out myself. I would no longer be the passive one. Those two sentences conjure up an image that you do NOT want any admissions officer to have, especially in these times where school campuses are on heightened alert. While you are free to write whatever you want, this is not the best decision. - Admissions Advice Online
The major problem you have with your essay is that you do NOT show any transition. When a prompt specifically states "Transition," that means you need to take us through a before and after. How was your life before adulthood? Then you need to talk about it during the transition and how was it different once you arrived into adulthood. None of these elements were made clear in this essay. -Admissions Advice Online
This is very interesting and a really unique take on this question. You will certainly stand out from the crowd as most others will actually talk about sitting on one side of an actual window. Aside from a few grammatical issues, the only real negative about this essay is when you wrote; "For me, this dream is far fetched and there are some issues that keep it at bay." why is it far-fetched? I did not really connect that from your essay and feel that it would be best to remove it or edit it to a more optimistic outlook. -Admissions Advice Online
Having a twin certainly answers this prompt and I would strongly urge you to include that aspect somewhere in your application, especially if you will be applying to the same school. However, this story has already been told about 5 million times already. Yes, I know it is your story and yes it uniquely happened to you, but this is where you need to be creative and add an unexpected twist to this story so that it doesn't read like the same story that every twin has submitted since the beginning of college applications. -----I highly suggest that you select another topic if at all possible if you plan on applying to a top 15 school. If not, this essay will be fine with a few adjustments to grammar, structure and style. -Admissions Advice Online
Submitting an essay like this will certainly get you rejected if your grades/SAT scores are not well above the average for this school. GA Tech knows that it is a top engineering school. You do not have to use precious space here telling them this. What they want to get a sense of if that you understand what the school has to offer you. Why study computers at GA tech and not Harvard? What does GA tech have that really makes it your destination school? Once you flush this out, this essay will be much stronger. -Admissions Advice Online
There are a few things that you do well in this essay and a few things that are not done so well. First with the good news. You do a good job in stating why you need to complete a management program at this time in your career. . The reader will understand that you lack a formal business management education which is one of the strongest reasons for pursing a program like this. However, you fail to fully state why this program and how you will utilize what you have learned in your future career and how this program (specifically) will help you. You need to relate specific resources of this program and how you plan to fully exploit them for your future success. -Admissions Advice Online
This essay has the elements to be a great one. However, in its current state, it is dead on arrival. You spend way to much time storytelling here. The reader needs to connect with you. Let us see exactly how your adaptations skills, values of life, and experiences in the United States (Your background) have helped shape the person you are today. Once you do this, this essay will be much stronger. -Admissions Advice Online
So first let me start with the bad...You have major problems with punctuation and word choice/grammar. I had to re-read a few sentences two or three times to fully understand what you were trying to say. That is a No-No for any admissions essay. Now to the good news: I actually like that "Communication" is the element that is most important to you. I also like how you relate it to any type of relationship. This part of your essay will be received well. You just need to focus on the structure while reducing the verbosity here. Once you do this, this will be a winning essay. -Admissions Advice Online
This is a good SOP but you are lacking one crucial component. You do not talk about any of the resources of the specific school/program that you look forward to taking advantage of. This can be several things from the professors to research departments to specific courses. The key to a great SOP is to link directly how obtaining the degree at this stage in your life is more of a "Need" rather than a desire. That will make for a really strong SOP. We can help. -Admissions Advice Online
You lack a few things here. Firstly, you need to show that you have thoroughly investigated the professor and his/her research. Talk about any parallels that you may have with any past/current research. Then you need to talk about your future, where do you see yourself in a few years and how will this lab experience help you get there?. Finally, what will you bring to this lab? You need to talk about any specific qualifications that might set you apart from the other post docs who will want this position as well. - Admissions Advice Online
A few major issues in this essay. First it just sounds as though you want to be in the United States of America. Most admissions officers will look down on an application that seems more about entry into the country rather than studying at the school. Focus the essay more about whyyyyyy you want to study at SB. What specific examples have made it your top choice...example...developing the bar code scanner there. Your second major flaw is stating that you did not have good grades. Your statement of purpose needs to ONLY present you in the strongest light. You should NEVER state anything negative about yourself in a statement of purpose. If your grades were really bad and need to be explained, do so in a separate or additional essay. -Admissions Advice Online
You cannot submit this essay as it is. You started off the essay well with a little bit about your background, but it flat-lines from then on. You need to talk about why you want to study engineering and more specifically - why you wish to study engineering at GT. You need to talk about resources/opportunities that you believe GT has that helps you. Never should you ever write negative things about the school you wish to attend in the admissions essay. That is a sure way to get a rejection letter. -Admissions Advice Online
This is a really well written essay and I am sure you will have no problem with admissions to CC. The only issue I see here is that you somewhat disparage the music conservatory and even akin it to "prison." This is a no-no in transfer applications as you should never try to put down a former school. After-all, you chose it. A simple statement about how your interest have changed after exploring the world will suffice. -Admissions Advice Online
This is a good start but this essay lacks real substance. What you did here was essentially prance around without really digging deep. When HMC says community, they mean more than just feeling like you have friends. They mean the full community, professors, clubs, organizations, community service etc... Talk about the full community and how you plan to interact and engage with it. As for the curriculum, you have demonstrated that you know some of the unique programs that HMC has, but you do not talk fully about how you intend to apply the curriculum to your life /future plans. Try to be very explicit with this. For example you could say; " The engineering clinical program will provide me with hands on experience at a local aerospace engineering business which will provide me with much needed experience." -Admissions Advice Online
This essay is good but you really need to focus it a bit more. Since you will be a transfer student, you really do not have the luxury of an exploratory first year as a freshman student would. Because of this, you need to hit the ground running if you want to have any hopes of graduating on time. Statements like "I don't know yet what it will be nor when it will happen but I know that the first step is transferring into the engineering program at a large, well-respected university," will scare the adcom at a major university where engineering seats are at a premium. My suggestion to you is to possible talk about one or two specific areas of engineering that you might be interested in instead of saying engineering in general which only shows the admissions committee that you are not as focused as they might want you to be. - Admissions Advice Online
You do not even talk about a SINGLE thing you have done. The prompt is asking you to talk about specific activities that you have engaged in and why they are each important to you. What the adcom wants to see is a meaningful reason for selecting your activities and not just to pad your application. - Admissions Advice Online
In this essay you have tried to explain why you want to transfer- namely because you want a different teaching style that you feel will better serve you in the real world. However, this essay may be better suited for the individual school essay or to answer the question "Why this school." This way, you can directly talk about the learning style at the school in question and how it is better suited for you compared to the one at your current university. You can use the general common app application to talk about your general future and what you want to accomplish. Especially for transfer students - it is really important that you show that you have fully researched a school. -Admissions Advice Online
Essay 1 Critique: This is really a "free" essay in that you can talk about really anything. MIT wants to get a better sense of what you do to unwind. You tried to pack too many things here. Since it is only 100 words, this essay is meant to be short and concise. Just talk about one topic -maybe cooking- and fully focus in on how you feel while cooking, thoughts that run through your head while cooking and also the "Fun" aspect of it.
Essay 2 Critique: The key to this short essay is to tie the program at MIT and the department to your future desires. Even though this is only 100 words, you should try to elaborate on why you really want to be an engineer other than saying it is your dream. Then connect the dots between how MIT and more specifically this major/department can help you reach your goals. -Admissions Advice Online
This is a great start, but you do not exactly hit the nail on the head. The "Key" to a really great transfer application is to show the adcom that you "Need" to transfer there. By that I mean that you need to show a lacking at your current institution that the new one will fulfill. For you, this could easily be a broader range of courses and as you have said - greater research opportunities. You need to clearly spell this out in your essay. -Admissions Advice Online
This is a great essay and is completely appropriate for this school and program. The only thing I would advise you to change, aside from a few grammatical errors, would be this sentence "As for me, I aspire to live a life through Mr. Vujicic's eyes." Although you fully explain it, it still comes off as a bit awkward. Try rephrasing it so it is clearer. -Admissions Advice Online
I agree with Th25cc completely. When a school says in their prompt "Not limited to academic situations," that is pretty much a strong hint that they do not want you to talk about academics [again]. Try to find an everyday situation where you were presented with a real moral dilemma . As you have stated here, the results were unordinary, so that means you would have been exposed sooner rather than later. Use an example where being caught would have been remote. -Admissions Advice Online
I think your basic thesis here that your father encouraged you to think analytically is good. However, most of your examples are not structured in a way that Princeton will appreciate. You need to use examples that show fully how your critical mind can be attributed to your father. After all, this essay is about that person that has influenced you. Once you do this, we can help you with the grammar and spelling. -Admissions Advice Online
This essay is really well written and I fully enjoyed reading it. The main issue that I feel you have with this essay is that your essay is structured around the fact that you became an "adult" rather quickly as you now have to play a vital role in your father's healthcare etc.... Then you painted the picture of your family of being a very modest family with very few luxuries. The main issue now becomes why are you deciding to attend this Common App college which is half a World a way from your father and essentially your responsibilities and more importantly why attend a program that could be very expensive. If you were my client I would advise that you briefly address these issues to allay any concerns that an admissions officer might have while reading this essay. More specifically, why are you deciding to attend college so far away and how are you planning to pay for this education? If you have secured any type of funding be sure to quickly mention that. To properly mix this in with the prompt of the essay, you have to make it seem as though university in America is a part of your continuing transition. - Admissions Advice Online
That would be a good way to write this essay. Music programs are usually competitive, because of this, you should make sure that your reason to study music is really compelling. This way, the admissions comittee will feel that you are not taking a seat away from someone that displayed a love and desire for music since a very young age. -Admissions Advice Online
What are you trying to prove? That you actually attended English 103? You didn't have an excuse to skip that class? Like I have said several times here, I focus solely on content. There are many grammar czars here to take care of the grammar aspect. At the end of the day, I hold several Ivy League degrees. You can't even finish one and are looking for a BACKDOOR way into a decent university because you do not have the requirements to compete with others. You are lazy and incompetent. You can't even grammar check correctly. Please just go finish your applications and hope that you can backdoor your way into a decent university. You are seriously in no position to be helping others. You are certifiable 5150. There I said It. Now I will NO LONGER respond to anything you have to say. Go grammar check that!
To the original poster. Please open a new thread with your revised essay so that you can get some real help. I am really sorry for this. For your troubles I will give you a free unlimited package and will help you with all essays to all the transfer schools you wish to apply to. Again sorry.
Clearly sksbl88 is upset with what I had to say to him in another post here: As I have said time and time again - and any of my actual clients can vouch for - I give the same exact advice here that I do to my private clients. I do it here for free. There have been many times that I have directed students to this forum,
The bottom line is you can shadow post me all you want. My record speaks for itself. Last admissions cycle I helped 78 students get accepted to Ivy League or other top 15 Colleges across the country.I also helped more than 132 MBA students get into top 10 MBA programs across the globe. You will not find one former client of mine that did not get into their target school. The reality is I have actual admissions experience. Not only as an applicant, but also as an admissions officer at a super selective school. Because of this, I see applications the way they do. While there are always exceptions to the rule, most schools have a set profile of the type of students they want. Most students on this forum want to go to top programs. The advice I give is always geared towards them getting into those programs. Grammar can be easily fixed during the polishing of an essay. As a former admissions officer, I know that content is king and because of that, that is what I exclusively focus on. The advice I gave Kido here is Solid. For you to try to negate or diminish that in any way because of your personal qualms with me is a disservice to this forum.
At Admissions Advice Online, we always encourage students to paint the best picture of themselves in their application for admissions. While I fully understand what you are trying to say here, the picture that you paint is one of not being comfortable with the English language at this point. Unfortunately, this is not the picture that you want to paint especially for admissions to UT Austin, one of the top Universities in Texas. A great way to revamp this essay would be to attack it only from a point of strength. Focus on your improvements and how quickly you have made them. For instance, you could say, " In only 3 short months, I went from knowing a handful of words in English, to being able to write multi-page essays." Highlight improvements while showing the growth you expect while at UT- Austin. Also, you need to talk more about how you specifically want to grow as a scientist by taking advantage of the resources available there.
Even the essay that you submitted from your "admitted" friend is not a good one. In fact it is pretty lack-luster. However, even "Tufts" needs to fill seats. I am pretty sure that the rest of his/her application made up for this. At the end of the day, this forum is about helping students present the strongest essays/applications they can. The two essays that you have presented here are in no way the strongest they can be. Think of it this way. Submitting a very strong application could make the difference between acceptance with a full scholarship and just a general acceptance. Always try to make every aspect of your application as strong as it can be.
This prompt is asking you to do several things. 1) Talk briefly about your background and if possible major life-changing events/experiences that have happened to you in the past. 2)Relate your background/events to your future goals. So if you want to focus on being a foreigner in a new land, you will have to relate that somehow to your future goals. -AAO
Somehow you have managed to write a lot of fluff and absolutely nothing of substance about "Why Tufts." Also, I hate to burst your bubble, but many many college A Capella groups have cameos on various TV shows, it is not as uncommon as you think. As I have stated before, while college view-books are great at providing general and highlighted information about a program, they should be used as only a small part of the college selection process. Show Tufts that you have really researched the school by talking about aspects of the undergraduate culture there that really appeal to you and that make Tufts unique.
This essay is as basic as they get. You do not explain why you want to study at this University and not another one. Also, you fail to adequately explain why it is you wish to study accounting. Yes, you love math, yes you are great in math, but why accounting? Why not engineering, teaching, physics, finance, design or the countless other majors that involve a high level of mathematics? You need to focus this essay more, clean up the grammar and add real substance to prove that you are worthy of admissions. -AAO
So there are a few things wrong here. The most glaring omission that I see is the lack of detail on your research past. Since you desire to be the head of a research department, and you are selecting this school because of the research capabilities it has, you need to flush this out fully. What type of research do you want to engage in? Which professor has completed or supervised research in your desired area? How will you specifically utilize the resources of this school/program. These are some of the more important aspects that need to be flushed out here
The best thing to do here is draw upon your background. Have you ever worked in the electrical engineering field? One thing about engineering that might work in your favor is that there are elements of various sectors that overlap. If even a small portion of your previous work in engineering involved Oil/Gas/Petro you can easily leverage that experience to show how you are really fascinated by that sector. Then build your story around wanting to be a career switcher. Many of my past clients have successfully accomplished this. -AAO
The quality of the content of this essay is not good. This essay is specifically asking you to talk about what [unique] attributes of the school really appeals to you. While many applicants think that this question is really an open ended question, it is not, there is really a right answer. Why? Because if you pick any department at any school, the vast majority of them will have 2 or 3 aspects that are unique or considered to be unique about that program. Normally schools broadcast this on the department webpage. You need to find what is really unique about this college at U of Michigan and align it with your goals of obtaining a versatile degree. Once you add this and ditch the beautiful campus blurb, this essay will become much stronger. As you have it here, what you are looking for can be found pretty much at any university. -AAO
So I took a look at the biomedicine program at the University of Melbourne and you are correct it does have a vast amount of programs you can chose from. However, if you really want to become a dentist - a dentist that is also involved in research- wouldn't the best option be to complete the dentistry program now, while adding a research component to your program and maybe a few courses from the biomedicine department? I say this because this will more than likely be the major question the admissions committee will have about your application. There is no need to take on a full 4 year degree when elements of that same degree (research) can easily be mixed into the degree that you really want(dentistry). In any event, you do not make a strong case for either program. Pick one and really flush it out here. Give strong examples as to why this is the path you NEED to take at this stage in your academic life.
First just to set something straight. I am not here to compete with jkjeremy nor should he critique any of my posts. I already have my Ivy League degrees and worked for several years as an assistant admissions director at one. I know what I am talking about. The students on this board are seeking advice. I give it - honestly and bluntly. Period! As for Snowwhite76, your batman story is much stronger than your previous story. It will be something refreshing and different and will lead you to write a compelling story. Reader's get tired of purely academic applications. As I have stated several times before, there is a reason why so many students with a 4.0 gpa and perfect SAT/ACT scores get rejected from top schools. They are just boring! The key to these competitive programs is to be unique/refreshing. I suggest that you flush this essay out fully and post it here for further review/comments. As for jkjeremy, I have been on this board for years. Go read some of my past reviews to learn how to critique correctly.
First I must say that your writing is amazing. It is almost perfect especially for an international student from Asia(I am guessing that English is not your native language). Your descriptive style of writing will impress most admissions officers. Now to the real stuff...I liked the second half of your story...but your intro set-up(quotes) left me scratching my head. When you write essays like this, you have to make sure your thesis is clear. Ideally, it should be clear after the first paragraph. So what you need to do here, is really hit the reader over the head with the message that you want to convey throughout your essay. This will allow the reader to engage more and will make your writing come to life. Good job so far. -AAO
Several major flaws here. The first being your opening sentence. "I have always been a competitive person, especially with myself. I want to do the best I possibly can. Because of this, in the beginning of high school, AP class intimidated me and I didn't think I would be able to excel in them, so I didn't take any during my first two years." Your opening sentence is just a lame excuse as to why you did not challenge yourself as best as you could have. Do you think that this is what Stanford wants to read? Your essay reads as though you are academically timid and that you actively sought out "fun" and "easy" classes to do well in. This will not bode well for you especially when asked to write an essay about your intellectual prowess. This brings me to the major issue with this essay as you have it now. This is not really what Stanford is looking for. They want to see how an Ah-hah moment really had an impact on you. If your Ah-hah moment was breaking/setting the curve, that really doesn't count....AAO
Not sure about all the positive reviews above, but this essay is one of the worst essays I have read so far this admissions cycle. You started out strong but quickly began to show your naive side. Statements like "To my surprise African-American, and Caucasian students also enrolled in the class." and "Even though certain groups may seem like total opposites, people have more in common than one would originally think," will make the reader think that you had/have a prejudice for one reason or another which is surprising considering you are mufti-ethnic. In 2013, this is simply not tolerated. There are more effective and softer ways of conveying this message without seeming so aloof. You further reinforce this notion of unpreparedness in your second paragraph when you out of nowhere, declare that your life's goal is to "lift the "bottom billion," in sub-Saharan Africa out of poverty." Where did that come from? Why sub-Saharan Africa? To put it bluntly, this essay is extremely unfocused, rambling and does not convey a structured plan that would compel an admissions officer at UC Bolder to believe that their institution is the right one to help you realize these goals. You also fail to adequately describe how you will contribute to the community at UC bolder. Instead, what you should do in this essay is focus on one aspect. Cultural diversity and harmony or your desired life's goal of helping to eradicate poverty. Build out a full story, show your convictions but most importantly, show structure so that the reader will be convinced that this is a plan that you have thought out more than a few times. Conclude with how you will contribute to the community at the school, how you will utilize your past experiences to help impart knowledge to/with your fellow students. - AAO
Hope this helps.
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