Writing Feedback / IELTS task II : Illiteracy rates by region and gender; 'it was tearful' [12]


"However" is wrongly used here. You could merge this sentence with your previous one to form an introduction of your essay.
The bar chart compares the estimated proportion of illiterate men and women in six regions in 2000.
You should have an overview paragraph after your introduction to show the main trends of the chart, for example:
Overall, more women were illiterate than men in all six areas around the world . Besides, developed countries had the lowest illiteracy rates of both gender in 2000.


This is quite irrelevant to the prompt of this essay. You don't need to give a deduction from the given data.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Many vehicles on British roads [3]


The year 1888 marks the first appearance of a car in Britain. It doesn't mean that this vehicle was invented in Britain, so your sentence


could be omitted. Also, "discover" is wrongly used here.


-> Meanwhile


Since the nineteenth century, the number of private cars has increased dramatically in Great Britain. In my opinion, car ownership should be controlled by not only the introduction of international laws but also the shift to other means of transport.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: LINE GRAPH/ change in fish and other three types of meat consumption [7]


This could be replaced by the overview paragraph, which is often written after the introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The main reasons for study and the amount of study grant [4]

You should attach the chart with the prompt so that we can give you more meaningful comments.


It's better to have a simple and direct introduction.
The first chart illustrates two main reasons why people of different age groups choose to study and the second bar chart presents data concerning levels of employer support in percentage terms.


Overall, the younger age groups tend to study mostly for career purposes, while the majority of the older groups cite interest as their main reason. Also, employees under 30 years old receive the highest amount of employer support.

Writing Feedback / Ielts - changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of fast food [5]

I think the overview paragraph should be written after the introduction (as Pahan suggested in his previous comment) to provide readers with a clear view of the main trends of the given charts. The detailed body paragraphs are to support these main features you mentioned.

Writing Feedback / Weather in Dubai is extremely contrasted - IELTS Task [7]


Well, I think if you have the overview paragraph after the introduction, there's no need to write a conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 [6]


Don't make your introduction too complicated.
The line graph presents data concerning the changes in the proportion of ageing population over a 100-year period in Japan, Sweden and the USA.


the percentage


I think Japan experience an overall upward trend, too.


In 1940, the elderly people took up 5% of Japanese population.


It then hovered around the 3% mark for nearly 60 years before increasing sharply for the rest of the period.


Notably, Japanese proportion of ageing population is projected to experience a nearly threefold rise to reach a peak of 28% in 2040.


It is the proportion/percentage, not the number of ageing population.


Sweden also saw a similar trend, though its figure was slightly lower, reaching 8% in 1980.



while there was a dramatic increase in the corresponding figure in Sweden to 20% in 2010.


is predicted to

Writing Feedback / The proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040. Writing Task 1 [5]


The line graph provides information about the changes in the percentage of the ageing population from 1940 to 2040 in Japan, Sweden and the USA.


This sentence has grammatical mistakes and I don't think this is necessary.


The first four decades saw an increase in the proportion of American people aged 65 and over, reaching 15% in 1980, which was slightly higher than that of Swedish people.


The proportion of elderly people in Sweden rose sharply from this point onwards. It is expected to finish the period at 25%, surpassing the corresponding figure for the USA, which remained steady from 1980.


On the other hand, the proportion of Japanese ageing population underwent a slight drop in the first half of the period, only reaching approximately 3% in 1980. However, it is projected to experience the most significant growth, rising exponentially from 10% in 2030 to around 28% in 2040.


In the conclusion, you should give an overview of the most remarkable features of the chart and the figures here are not necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Who should care for the elders? [7]


We can use "the" before a country name if it is a group of islands or common noun such as the United Kingdom, the United States of America, the Netherlands and the Bahamas, just to name a few.


I think you should state your opinion right in the introduction as to who should be responsible for taking care of the elder people.

Writing Feedback / Weather in Dubai is extremely contrasted - IELTS Task [7]


The table provides information about annual temperatures while the line graph illustrates the changes in the amount of rainfall in one year in Dubai.


Before turning into details, you could give an overview of the table and the graph.
Overall, the temperatures are pleasant for the majority of the year in Dubai, except for the summer. Besides, Dubai experiences more rainfall in the winter than in the summer.


The weather is generally cool in the winter, with temperatures hitting a low of only 14oC in the first two months of the year. The maximum temperatures in the winter nearly double the minimum figures, and are roughly the same as the lowest temperatures in summer months (from May to October). The highest number is recorded in July/August, when temperature reaches 48oC.


This conclusion is not clear.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: A survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. [4]


The given bar chart illustrates ten factors that influence work effectiveness of two different age groups in a company.


This is not very clear.
Overall, workers aged 45 - 60 are more affected by these factors than those aged 18 - 30. While chance for personal development contributes the most to work performance of the former group, the latter group cites money as their main factor for their work efficiency.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 travel alone or with friends? [10]


The prompt asks for your own opinion, rather than discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of each side. After reading your essay, I still have no idea which one you prefer :(

I think you should follow Pahan and Dumi's suggestions in their previous comment on the structure of this essay. In this case, I think you should give at least two reasons why you prefer one kind of travel. Each reason will be explained in one body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 travel alone or with friends? [10]

Actually, your introduction is too lengthy and examples are not necessary here. Keep it short and direct. Also, while the prompt asks for your opinion, you did not state it clearly .

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Summarising two charts (Demand and electricity usage during typical day) [6]


The line chart compares electricity demand in typical days in summer and winter, while the pie graph illustrates the proportion of four main purposes of electricity in an average English household.


electricity demand in winter is much higher than that in summer.


,


You should pay attention to the tense used in your essay.


before falling


electricity is mainly used for heating, accounting for over 50 percent.


You should mention the most significant features or main trends of the charts in this overview paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The Chart in Global Sales of Games Software, CDs and DVD or Video [9]

In this Task 1 essay, you should write at least 150 words and there is no maximum word count. Don't worry if your total number of words is less than 200.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The Chart in Global Sales of Games Software, CDs and DVD or Video [9]


The chart illustrates the changes in global sales of games software, DVD/video and CDs in four consecutive years from 2000.
I think you should give an overview of the chart, which shows its main trends, before moving into detailed body paragraphs


CDs sales were the highest of the three types mentioned, reaching a high of 35 billion dollars in 2000.


After that, there was a slight fall in the sales of CDs until the end of the period.


Games software sales increased significantly from 14 billion dollars in 2000 to nearly 20 billion dollars in 2003.


The number of DVDs/videos sold nearly doubled the corresponding figure for games software


This sentence has no subject.


This part is not necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]


The bar chart compares the annual GDP growth in three types of countries: wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers in four consecutive decades, starting from 1960s.


I think this sentence is not necessary.


This is more suitable in speaking than writing a report.


This sentence has several grammatical mistakes.
In 1960s, wealthy countries had the highest GDP growth of the three sorts of countries mentioned, at about 4.8 percent.


After that, the figure declined steadily until finishing the period at 2.0%


Meanwhile, globalised countries experienced an opposite trend.


GDP growth


started out at 1.2 percent in 1960s and subsequently rose every decade to reach a peak of approximately 5.0 percent in 1990s.


Non-globalisers' growth rate saw a fluctuation during the same period.

In this task, you don't need to list every single detail of the chart. Instead, you should pick the most remarkable of the chart and then compare and contrast them in your essay. Also, you should pay more attention to your grammar and essay structure (as Dumi suggested in the previous comment).

Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; government´control on water´using. [11]


Sure, you can write it in a simple way, for example:
Although some people are in favour of unlimited using, others, myself included, think that fresh water usage should be controlled by the authority.
Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; government´control on water´using. [11]


This has grammatical issues and your next sentence is better to open an introduction.


fresh water usage


I think you had better state your opinion in your introduction.


This part is really confusing.


the use of water

Writing Feedback / IELTS; buildings often reflected the culture of a society ! [4]


I don't think the similarity of building materials is the reason why modern buildings look alike.


The prompt asks for your opinion, so you had better state it clearly in the introduction. Also, in the second body paragraph, you just mentioned what other people may think about the issue. Instead, I think you should focus on your opinion whether the trend is positive or negative


In Dubai, buildings are constructed

Writing Feedback / IELTS: more and more young people go oversea for further studies. Some people think it [4]


for youngsters. Those who choose to study abroad are sometimes not young at all, so I think you should use "people" or "students" instead.


can use foreign language in daily life


studying overseas.
Actually, I think assignments and presentations are a part of most universities' curriculum in every country, not only something only studying overseas has.


Regular use of foreign language


receive an advanced education


understanding of how to deal


This is confusing. What do you mean by "foreign events"?


studying alone in a foreign country


daily life




not different from

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay-Modern children are suffering from the diseases like obesity. Causes&solutions [8]


it is high time that we worked


Unhealthy eating habits



12-year-old boy


does not have a chance to participate in extracurricular activities


homework


rarely allows him to relax


more time


checking



,


These two sentences have no subjects.

Writing Feedback / Ielts. Problems and solution of ageing populations. [5]


people can live longer


human lifespan is prolonged



For instance, due to a significant disproportion in the population of Japan


I don't get your idea here.


This issue is not clearly mentioned in the first body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Teacher's responsibility in Student Upbringing [4]


I feel that these sentences are quite not related directly to the topic. Also, the role of parents in raising their children is not mentioned in the prompt, so I don't think this is a topic of debate in this case.


While some people think that teachers should be solely responsible for teaching academic subjects, I firmly believe that they play an important role in guiding students' manners as well.


This sentence can be omitted. It adds no value to your paragraph.


social skills


You should focus on the role of teachers, rather than the influence of parents or friends.



I think this paragraph could be improved by mentioning how teachers teach students the right behaviour as these two sentences are just the reasons why parents can't take the responsibility alone.


In a discussion essay, the first body paragraph is to discuss the first view while the second view can be stated in the second body paragraph.

In an argumentative essay, you should give at least 2 reasons to support how you agree or disagree with the given opinion in the prompt. Each paragraph is to explain and support each reason.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: men/women 'oriented' studies - equal numbers of male and female students [4]

I think you need to restructure your essay by following Dumi's suggestion:
Introduction: hook+ background of your topic + State your opinion/ position
Body para 1; First reason for your opinion/ position + Specific example to support that reason
Body para 2 ; Second reason + example
Conclusion ; Final statement about your position.
Also, you should include the full prompt of your essay!

Writing Feedback / Employers reward members of staff for their contribution... [2]


These two sentences are not related to the prompt.


employment opportunities


This is quite confusing. Do you mean "owning the best company" or "keeping the best employees"?


a variety of


feel happier


for their efforts


contribute to their company


by creating,


by doing


they feel that their contributions are not recognized.


will lose

Writing Feedback / International events show peaceful things for people, distracts from problems [3]


You forgot to provide us with the questions of the prompt. Is it an argumentative or a discussion essay?


This is irrelevant to the topic.


making people relax


This could form a new sentence. However, I feel that this just repeats the idea in the previous sentence.


You can start another new sentence from "They". Again, I don't think this is related to the prompt.
Your introduction has only one lengthy sentence. You can improve it by writing shorter sentences, and trying to answer the questions given in the prompt directly.



This is not clear. The rules of the ancient Olympic Games only allowed men to compete and I don't think this is the reason why international tensions could be eased.


This is irrelevant to the prompt, too.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe in co-educational classes and others believe in segregated ones [3]


This sentence is too long and does not present your topic clearly. You can simply say that: There is no denying that educational environment is important to the development of students.


In my opinion, co-educational classes can bring more benefits to students than segregated ones.


This part can be omitted.


Do you mean "co-educational classes"?


Co-educational schools enable students to learn how to interact with members of the opposite gender, with whom they are going to live and work together later in life.


This sentence is really confusing.
You could try another approach: Coed classes discourage students to develop negative gender stereotypes.


This is a discussion essay, so in this paragraph, you should focus on segregate classes.

Writing Feedback / enthusiastic generation; Who brings up the children: Parents or Teachers [6]


Children are the future leaders of society/The future lies within the hands of the young generation.


This sentence is not necessary.


parents are the first and most important teachers to shape children in their early stages.


in front of their children


I don't agree with this opinion. Actually, every school has rules and regulations to follow and children have a better chance to socialize or make friends with their peers at school.


apart from parents


This sentence is lengthy and confusing, especially the part "only in the hands of teacher". Do you mean that parents are not involved in children's future orientation?


In conclusion

Writing Feedback / Entertainment, culture, heritage - What do we need music? [5]


You should omit the comma after "that"



it is international music that catches more interest of the young generation.


This sounds informal and this is also unnecessary. You could give a brief answer to the questions given in the prompt instead.


listening to music is one of the most popular way of entertainment


This part can be removed.


are interested in filling their leisure time with music


The comma is wrongfully used here.


helps them to relax after long working hours.


You don't need to mention this idea again.


In this paragraph, you should focus on why we need music.


This paragraph shows that international music is far more popular, but it doesn't show whether this kind of music is more important.
Also, you should pay attention to your grammar! Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / College and attaining a degree will give you a chance to more successful career. [6]


as to whether they should opt for a job or pursue higher education in university


If this is your opinion, state it more clearly. For example: I believe/I agree ...


Don't use "you" in your academic writing.


You could start a new sentence here.


that offers both theoretical and practical knowledge to learners.


students


are trained


What are "these universities"?


have some links


to improve their practical experience.


corporations


most of which


a full-time professional degree



having a job


What do you mean by "in your field" in this case?

Writing Feedback / IELTS-task1-the table below gives information related to population growth... [7]



with three levels of income.




stayed

Writing Feedback / IELTS-More and more people want to buy famous brands of clothes, cars and other items. [5]



This sentence adds no value to your introduction. Instead, you should try to answer the questions given in the prompt. Also, avoid using "you" in your essay.


This sentence should be omitted.


You should give an example instead.


what they think/what they are told


have negative effects
Your ideas need developing with explanations and examples.

Writing Feedback / No one can deny the benefits to be gain from leading a hand to in needed nations [3]


has stepped/is stepping


This part could be omitted.


This sounds confusing.


are not obliged


no loss


"Nevertheless" is a redundant word. You already used "although" in this sentence.


This sentence is not necessary.
Your introduction is too lengthy. You had better write a short and direct one to save time for your body paragraphs.


are guaranteed


You could omit this part.


This sentence is incomplete. You could merge it with the previous sentence.


despite = in spite of


by providing


that can be gained


final results


both sides


Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / After 19 century, everything changes dramatically like never before - Life today is more comfortable [8]

What is the purpose and full prompt of your essay? Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL?


Since the 19th century. Why do you choose to write about the 19th century in your introduction?


everything has changed


This part is not necessary.


Avoid using contractions in your essay.


often travel/visit


was not given much priority


There has been an immense increase in the population of China


a serious problem
You should pay attention to your grammar!

Writing Feedback / One of the characteristics of successful leaders is the sense of responsibility for accept [3]

It is better if you provide us with the purpose of your writing (IELTS, TOEFL,...).


he has become a loyal customer to my father's company since then.


Don't use contraction in your essay.
You write very well, Hellen :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Animals should not be exploited or humans must use animals to satisfy them [6]

Not all animals are pets. Also, I find this part irrelevant to the food chain you mentioned.
The prompt asks you to discuss both views, for and against animal exploitation. However, they were not clearly stated in your essay. You should pay attention to task completion as it is one of the four criteria used to grade your essay.

Writing Feedback / Young adults - early independence or living with family for a long time? [4]


This sentence is unnecessary as you already mentioned your idea in the introduction.


can learn how to cope with





Start a new sentence from "As a consequence"



You can omit this sentence.

Writing Feedback / Some schools are introducing unpaid community services into their school programmes compulsorily. [4]


supporters


It is important to include your opinion clearly in the introduction.


On the one hand


this service


many team-building activities


Furthermore


Students are able to meet different people by participating in community services, which partially contributes to improving their communication skills.


Besides/Additionally


make a student's CV more impressive.


opponents


as it can waste too much time of students


Their points of view


Most students

Writing Feedback / UK economic structure had experienced considerable changes over the last century - the graph [4]


The graph provides information


This sentence could form an overall paragraph. Also, I don't think the conclusion paragraph is necessary as it just repeats the point you already mentioned.

Overall, you write very well :)