Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task2 - Causes and solutions in preventing bad influence of adult products [7]


I think this is possible but I prefer a short and direct introduction. The introduction provides readers with main points you intend to develop. Also, writing a simple introduction will help you save time to support your ideas in your body paragraphs.


I find this paragraph irrelevant to the topic.


include sex education in the curriculum


You can omit this part.


Besides


What do you mean by "sensitive product"?


have little or no effect



Another solution


pornography


in decreasing

Undergraduate / Technology can only changes our traditions not to destroy our traditional values [5]


There is no doubt that


technology has both benefits and drawbacks.


technological development leads to the loss of customs, traditions and cultures.


You can start a new sentence from here.


how they affect.


This sentence makes no sense. What do you mean by "learn more new things"?



This has grammatical issues.
On the other hand, people can derive huge benefits from technology.


Technology plays an important role in bettering people's lives.


because of


helps


I believe


You didn't mention it clearly in your essay.
Your essay is too short. This task 2 essay should include at least 250 words. Also, it would be better if you could pay attention to your grammar.

Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Work or travel before university; very difficult to resume after discontinuation [4]


high school graduates


This part is ok but you don't need to give examples in the introduction. I think you should keep it short and direct and save your examples for your body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / School violence is one of the social issues that is demanding corrective attention [7]


You can omit this part.


to tackle the issue.


violence has become more often in many schools.


is a complex issue that causes many negative effects.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Should we judge people by their appearance? [9]


I don't feel that this part is relevant to the topic.



other people's mind


inner qualities


Undoubtedly


that impresses us


This part is quite confusing.


. This just repeats your idea in the introduction.


This is an interesting idea that needs developing.


What do you mean by "to get them well"?

Writing Feedback / IELTS (Academic)Task 2- Museums VS. Internet [3]



detailed descriptions



impossible to be replaced


With the Internet


explain -> explains


-> despite/in spite of

Writing Feedback / Economic growth is defined as an increase in the number of goods and services produced in one year [5]



educational level


the development of infrastructure


Well-educated employees



for the development/advancement



economic growth


A good heathcare system implies a more productive workforce.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Technology cannot solve all the world's problems! [8]


You had better rephrase this part. For example:
Other values such as economy, politics and education should be given more priority than technological solutions.


This sentence is not related to the topic.


I feel that this paragraph is not really aligned with the topic. You just listed some disadvantages of technological advances instead of explaining why technology can't solve every problem and why other values should be given more attention. This makes your essay more like a discussion essay than a argumentative essay.

Writing Feedback / Increasing population required many energy sources to meet what people need [2]

You had better provide us with the full prompt of the essay. Also, you have to revise your grammar carefully to have the best preparation for your actual test. I can see many grammatical mistakes in your essay :(


It is true that population growth has put immense pressure on natural resources


You could start a new sentence from here and this could be used as your thesis statement
-> In my opinion, while using alternative sources of energy will be a good solution, this measure can bring some disadvantages.


many issues


the strain on available natural resources

Writing Feedback / IELTS part1 - Number of minutes of telephone calls in Australia [4]



You could use "total phone call duration".



You have to use the appropriate tense for a Task 1 essay. In this case, it is the simple past tense that should be used.
-> The first half of the period saw an increase in the total number of minutes of local calls while the second half experienced an opposite trend.




-> began to decrease steadily

Writing Feedback / Some people say that increasing working hours leads to economic success [5]

Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? You should include the purpose of your essay next time. Besides, your essay is irrelevant to the incomplete topic you posted. It would be better if you could provide us with the full prompt.


specific recruitment policy


all employers


academic background


This is an incomplete sentence.


This sentence is not coherent with your previous sentences.

Student Talk / Listening: 8.5 - I got my IELTS result today [12]

Thank you, Rebecca. Good luck with your exam :)

Writing Feedback / The internet as a reliable/unreliable source of information [4]

What is the purpose of your essay?


The Internet provides users with a large amount of information. However, people still question the reliability of this information source.


-> most

It would better if you could explain the result or the effect of these reasons. However, I feel that three reasons you listed are not quite relevant to the topic.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Different Reasons for attending college or universtiy [6]


Firstly/To begin with


people want to have the best preparation for their career.


Academic knowledge provided in secondary school is inadequate for a student who, for example, aspires to become a doctor.



Another reason for entering university is to establish relationship with other people.


This is a good chance


Lastly


higher education learners are likely to secure better employment opportunities after graduation.


Don't use contraction in your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Modern technology has an influence on schools today! [2]

It will be better if you include your opinion in your introduction.


it is easier to pursue education


This just repeats your idea in the previous sentence.


Time and geographical distance are no longer obstacles to learners.


This has grammatical mistakes. You could write: People can take online courses of universities in a different continent.





on helping children not only acquire academic knowledge but also become responsible citizens.
Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Problems with students behaviour [3]


drew -> drawn


undisciplined behaviour


they might be influenced by televised violence


bullying younger students and skipping school.


mechanisms
I think the third body paragraph needs some supporting sentences. Anyway, you have very good writing skill and hope you''ll get a high score in the real test :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about Multitasking, problems and solutions [6]

1.


This sentence is more meaningful and you could use it instead of the former one.
This is my suggestion: The fast-paced modern world has led to the growing need of people for handling many tasks simultaneously. While multitasking may cause several problems, they could certainly be tackled by some measures.

2. Yes. The coherence of your essay is really important.
3. I don't think this example is convincing enough since it is more about the impact of spending too much time on some activities related to modern devices than performing many tasks at the same time.


Also, this doesn't sound like multitasking to me.
Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about Multitasking, problems and solutions [6]


This sentence sounds confusing to me. What do you mean by "a welcome skill"?



You can omit this part.


tasks


adversely affect productivity, for example, poor performance at university or at work.


As you start your sentence with "As a result", this sentence should be a consequence of the previous sentence. However, your previous sentence is about multitasking while studying, whereas this sentence is about the effect of multitasking on working performance.


In addition,


I think that this example is not quite relevant to the topic.


"Sufficient" is the wrong word. It means "adequate" or "enough".


these issues


preparing a to-do list and then prioritizing the tasks


each individual

Writing Feedback / The past 20 years have seen a considerable increase of international tourism. [9]


I don't think "live" is the right word. Actually, travelers just "visit" or "stay" there.



is threatened


need to be seen from both aspects. Also, you could end this sentence here and start a new one from "Therefore".



well-known/widely known


This is on the bottom right of the comment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: STUDYING OVERSEAS OR STAYING HOME [6]


I think education has always been important, not only "nowadays".


Pursuing higher education is not a "method". You could use "study overseas" instead.


This part is not necessary and "procastinating their studies' progress" sounds unnatural. Actually, if students decided not to study overseas, they could pursue higher education in domestic university instead.


Most students experience culture shock when moving to a foreign country.


Despite the impacts of culture shock



I don't think this sentence adds much value to your paragraph. Instead, you should conclude why students should study overseas in spite of culture shock.


What do you mean by this?


I feel that this is irrelevant to the topic.


This sentence is incomplete.

Writing Feedback / Education plays fundamental role in the growth of a country [7]


You can omit this part.



However, in my opinion,




from affecting


You could start a new sentence here:
Healthy citizens, which mean a more productive workforce, can contribute greatly to economic growth of a country.


Furthermore, traditional culture has always played an essential role in any country, either in the past or in the age of globalization.


You had better give examples of the importance of traditional culture.


this part is not necessary.
You have good grammar and vocabulary. However, your sentences are too lengthy and overusing big words makes your essay hard to follow.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular [4]


This part of your essay is off - topic. You should have explained why the popularity of fast food is a positive trend such as it saves time or how convenient it is instead of how to make a burger or fast food in general more nutritious.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the largest percentage of consumer spending in each country went on food/drinks/tobacco [3]

Overall, this is a good essay :)


while leisure and education accounted for the lowest proportion.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS, AIMS OF UNIVERSITY ARE FOR GETTING JOB OR BENEFITING INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY [4]


You make your introduction too complicated and then difficult to follow. It is better if you write in a simpler tone, for example:
It is true that there has been an increase in the number of people deciding to pursue higher education. In my opinion, not only does it help people with better employment opportunities but it also benefit both individuals and society.


This sentence is not necessary.

Writing Feedback / PRIVATE SCHOOL SHOULD BE BANNED! Ielts task 2 [5]


Actually, I think education has always been important up to now, not only in the age of globalisation.


I don't think education is relevant to these kinds of development.


You had better provide us with the full prompt of the essay. If it asks for your opinion, state them in the introduction. As I can see from the subject, your introduction doesn't focus on the main topic of the task as to whether private school should be banned.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Human's dependence in the modern world - about coherence, academic style [7]


The prompt asks for your opinion so it would be better if you could state yours in the introduction.
I feel your first body paragraph is somewhat out of topic. In my opinion, "dependent" means relying on others for support. Instead of mentioning why people should help each other, I think you should focus on why people need help and support, and therefore become more dependent on others.


This part is not necessary.
Your vocabulary and grammar are all excellent. However, after reading your essay, I feel that it is more like an argumentative essay rather than a discussion essay.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Why study?; 'improve understanding, practical knowledge and career planning' [4]


You could give examples to clarify what fundamental courses and core courses are.


I used to have little understanding


After four years of working hard. Hardly means "almost not".



I have attained a large amount of knowledge


Do you mean "entering university"?


You should omit the comma before "studying"




establish more relationship


attend university


contribute my efforts to my company.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] : Governments should spend money on space exploration or for basic needs of people [5]


Your second sentence in the introduction is more meaningful and depict the same meaning. I feel that the first part of the sentence "Although...interesting" is not necessary.



The Great Recession has caused a persistently high levels of unemployment in many countries.


A large number of people have to struggle to make ends meet every day.


If people have less income, it is likely that crime rates will increase.
I feel that the next two paragraphs are a bit out of topic. I think basic needs include issues like food, shelter, education or healthcare.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Agree/ Disagree -Financial education should be a mandatory component of the school program [4]


It would be better if you could provide us with the full prompt of the essay. Does the prompt mention the particular level of education?


Deep understanding of finance will help them manage their money wisely and give priority to demands of real importance.


who lack


finance should be included in


after graduation


This is not clear. What are they trading and why?


I feel that these two sentences depict the same meaning. This won't add more value to your paragraph.


should be equipped


It is more like another idea that you haven't stated in your essay.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / 'depends on the age'; should teachers assign homework for students every day? [6]


establish a rule proposing that teachers should not assign homework for their pupils



students need to revise their lessons regularly/it is necessary that students revise...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;universities require students to studymany subjects or specialize in one subject [4]



perform various tasks


This is not clear. I think that thanks to the accumulated knowledge and experience, they can impress recruiters and be a strong candidate for the position they apply for.


These sentences are not clear too. You could give example of how a specific skill such as leadership skill could help a student secure a position.


In conclusion/To conclude

Writing Feedback / Some people think that private schools should be banned. [5]


contribute to the high quality of


You could end this sentence here. The next sentence starts with: Consequently, they all contribute to...


due to the limited government budget and the increase in student numbers over time


having their children study


owing to low quality of teaching



in competition with


This sentence sounds too complicated. You could express the idea in a simpler way: As such, I believe that private education should be continued.


I don't think this sentence is relevant to the topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: More houses are needed in many countries to cope with increasing people... [3]


I don't think the number of houses is the reason for these kinds of issues. It is the overpopulation that causes congestion and environmental problems. Also, this sentence has lots of grammatical mistakes.


These sentences seem to be out of topic. This is about how social and environmental issues have adverse consequences on people, rather than how building more houses affects people's lives.



However,


You should give examples to clarify the discomfort and pressure they have to face.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Ads result in high sales of well-received consumer goods. Agree or disagree? [4]


I don't think you need to mention which country in the introduction. Actually, other countries have the same problem rather than your country only.


As this is an argumentative essay, your opinion should be included in the introduction.


foster the temptation to purchase goods and services


advertisement/advertising

Writing Feedback / IELTS: more and more pollution and waste are created everyday [7]

As this is one of your body paragraph, I think you should focus on one consequence of pollution and waste. For example, you can choose health-related problems for this paragraph and deterioration of life quality for the other paragraph.


You can merge these two sentences: For instance, residents could suffer from water-related diseases due to drinking contaminated water, such as diarrhea or fever.


In addition


This is not convincing enough and I feel that it is irrelevant to the aforementioned things.
Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; rejecting public educational system would not be better [4]


I feel that these sentences lack coherence with each other. Don't make your introduction too complicated. You could try another one, starting with Pahan's correction. For example:

Education plays a very important role in the development of children, both psychologically and physically. In my opinion, children should attend educational institutions for studying rather than being home-schooled.


Home education is insufficient for the growth of children, notably in terms of social interaction.


Homeschooled children have less chance to interact with other friends.
Your ideas needs to be rearranged. I find it quite difficult to follow your ideas.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: THE TABLE/ Actual Vs Estimated house construction [5]


Likewise, 8100 houses were estimated to be constructed in the Central England, which was half the figure for the actual number.
You misuse the word "double" for several times. "Double" means twice as much in size, number or amount.


Southern England had the highest estimated as well as actual numbers of houses built in the UK.


was higher than


The second highest numbers were recorded in London with...


In Scotland, there were 3000 houses that were actually erected, falling short of its expectation of building 3200 houses.

Writing Feedback / Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others don't [8]


This is OK but I think it would be better if you could state your opinion in the introduction.


This will help children learn how to...


secure a job


However, there is a darker side of this statement, that is, some people struggle to collaborate with others or perform their given duties due to their individualism and self-centeredness.


when they grow up


cooperation can increase work productivity/efficiency


You can omit this part.
I think you write well :) Keep practicing and good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-CAM4-TRAVEL TO AND FROM THE UK AND MOST POPULAR COUNTRIES FOR UK RESIDENTS [4]

1.


It will be better if you use "both visits to and from the UK".
2.


I prefer the latter one, or you could say: but the latter rose more significantly.


This sentence ends abruptly. You could try another way, for example: The number of people traveling to and from the UK continued to increase over the next 20 years, with the former...

Overall, you write very well :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Modern Technology make parents have no time for their children [5]

Your introduction makes me feel really confused. What is the full prompt of the essay? I guess this is about modern society rather than modern technology.


Your example is not clear and convincing. You could tell how busy the mother is to associate it with her children's minimal amount of time for fun. The divorce is not related to your topic sentence (busy with career).


Their tight schedule prevent them from participating in various extracurricular activities for recreation.


for a bright future prospect


As a consequence, children have to be absorbed in their assignment and have less time for conversation with their parents.


What do you mean by this sentence?


her family/parents
I hope this helps!