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Posts by MisterWandering
Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Last Post: Sep 20, 2016
Threads: 18
Posts: 321  
Likes: 130
From: Viet Nam

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MisterWandering   
Oct 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IETLS TASK 1; CHARTS on results of a survey of adult education [7]

the percentage of purposes adult education

seven incentives for adult education in percentage terms.

Seen together, the results of surveys suggest a link between the reasons and studying cost for further education.

I don't think this is clearly shown. Instead, you had better describe the main trends of the charts. For example: Overall, the majority of people take up their study because of their interest in subject. Also, individuals should be mainly responsible for their tuition fees.
MisterWandering   
Oct 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Telephones and emails have made personal communication less required [5]

There are many advantages of these invention, telephones and email

I personally disagree with this notion that these types of communication, telephones and email, made people less personal. I will give several reasons to support my opinion.

In my opinion, far from causing less personal communication, people can derive many benefits from telephones and email.

For instant

For instance

sometime

sometimes

make me feel personal.

Actually, they make communication more personal, rather than people.
MisterWandering   
Sep 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS (Charts); electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany [4]

It will be better if you reduce your word count as the prompt asks you to select and report the main features rather than listing every detail. Also, remember that you have another essay to finish within one hour so this task 1 essay should consist of around 180 words.

In New Zealand in the year 1980,it is clear that coal was the main source to generate electricity by with 56 units from the total out of 127 units that were generated .

Petroleum was the least to be used popular source by with 11 units.

We can see obviously that

This part is not necessary.

which count 28 for each

each of which accounted for
You should revise the tense used in this essay. You use present tense to describe the trends in some of your sentences, which is grammatically incorrect. Also, I think that there is another main feature that should be mentioned in the overview paragraph. It is the increase in total units in both countries from 1980 to 2010.

I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / task 1- The pie chart below shows the main reasons why agricultural land [3]

The given pie chart depicts the main cause of agricultural land becoming lesser productive

The pie chart illustrates the main incentives why worldwide land was degraded.

Also an evaluation is made on how these causes affected North America, Europe and Oceania during 1990s.

The table depicts the effects of these causes on North America, Europe and Oceania during the 1990s.

It was evaluated from the statistics that

This is not necessary.

degeberation

degeneration/degradation

Out of thr three regions survyed

Out of the three regions surveyed

most percentage

the highest percentage

have more effects

Overgrazing had more impact on the loss of land productivity in Oceania

due to it out

MisterWandering   
Sep 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Compare and contrast:taking a trip by oneself and taking a group tour with guidance [4]

This essay is too lengthy to me (more than 700 words). As you have to complete two tasks in one hour, this task 2 essay should contain around 300 words only.

relaxation becomes an increasing demand after a hard-working day. Traveling seems to be the best alternative

You could merge these two sentences into one (Traveling has become an increasing demand ...)

There are a variety of perspectives on the question of whether traveling taking a trip by oneself or taking a group tour with guidance is more comfortable.

Does the prompt ask you which one of them is more comfortable? If not, I feel that this sentence is a bit off-topic and you should focus on comparing and contrasting these kinds of traveling.

spread evenly

divided/split equally

who enjoy the feeling of loneliness

Actually, I don't think that anybody "enjoys" that kind of feeling :)

For instance, misunderstanding language, culture, behavior or traffic system gives rise to certain issues. Indeed, language differences may create an invisible barrier between travelers and the citizens; culture differences may trigger social problems; traffic system differences may result in horrific accidents. Therefore, in these situations, the assistance of a guidance who fully understands the place by all means useful for those who travel in group. On the other hand, getting lost or taking a wrong bus in a big city will become a challenge for solo traveler.

I think you should choose one example and make it clear rather than listing every possible ideas. Otherwise, they make your paragraphs complicated and even hard to follow.

I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 4 - TASK 1 - DEMAND FOR ELECTRICITY IN ENGLAND [6]

is double if compared with the one in summer

doubles the corresponding figure for the summer

52,5%

You don't need to mention the figures in the overview paragraph.

#2-there is not "the daily consumption" and it is "daily demand" which is totally different entity.

And I agree with Arian!
MisterWandering   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 1: The portion of different ages of the population in Yemen and Italy [4]

The first thing you should pay attention to is what tense should be used in your essay. In this kind of task, you should use simple past tense when reporting the features of 2000 and future tense for 2050. Also, your essay is too long (331 words - it is even longer than a Task 2 essay). In the real test, you have to complete 2 essays in only one hour so make sure to spend your time wisely.

This pie chart indicates the portion of different ages of the population, including 0-14 years, 15-59 years and 60+ years in Yemen and Italy in 2000 and plan for 2050.

The pie charts illustrate the changes in the proportion of different age groups in Yemen and Italy in 2000 and 2050.

the ages of population from 0-14 years old

the population aged 0 - 14 years old

has the greatest percentage in 2010

accounted for the highest percentage in 2010

half of population of this country, 50.1%

around half of the country

plays an important role in total number of Yemen's population

took up the second highest proportion. "Play an important role" is the wrong phrase in this case.

has 46.3 %

with 46.3%

portion of people

I think "proportion" is a better word. Portion means a part of something.

increase 11%

increasing by 11%

which partly illustrates why the percentage of 0-14 years old people decrease 12.9% until 2015.

You don't need to explain in Task 1 essay.

the amount of people

,

the number of people

Both are wrongly used in this essay. It should be "the proportion of" or "the percentage of"

are the substantial figures

took up the largest proportion

it would have been dropped

it is projected to drop

people over 60 years old are becoming popular more than ever

the percentage of elderly people are predicted to increase

the most popular ages

I don't think "popular" is the appropriate word.

Italy would have to pay a large amount of money for social welfare unless government will find out precautions from increasing the old people number.

This is not necessary.
MisterWandering   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts Essay task 1 : Different forms of entertainment over a five- year period [3]

spend spent on various modes

A quick overall view shows United states spends the highest amount of money in every field of entertainment with total amount of $ 257 billion in the year 2000.

In my opinion, your overview paragraph should have two sentences. The first is that one you wrote but the figure is not necessary. Save it for your detailed paragraphs. The second one is your last sentence "Money spent in cinemas..."

Also, pay attention to the tense in this essay. This should be simple past tense.
MisterWandering   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts line graph-percentage of population aged 65 and over [7]

whose age is

aged

The USA started at just below 10%

In 1940, elderly people represented 10% of USA population

which is the highest porportion

which was the highest proportion

There is then a low period of stabilazition

This was succeeded by a period of stabilization

, not until the year 2020 is it predicted to rise dramatically and hit a peak of below 25%,

You could start a new sentence from here to avoid a very long sentence.

overtook that

overtaking that

, after that, it is anticipated to rocket to a quarter in 2040

Again, this could make a new sentence.
MisterWandering   
Sep 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: THE GRAPH; three different categories in the Britain economy [6]

the hundred-year period

a period of 100 years

describes

"illustrates" sounds better.

the Britain economy

UK economy

However, in 2000, the figure for this sector was by far the highest at 35 percent.

"However" is the wrong word here.

As can be seen clearly, the most striking feature of the chart is that there was a dramatic increase in business and financial through the period, rising from 4 percent in 1900 to just under 10 percent in 1950. However, in 2000, the figure for this sector was by far the highest at 35 percent.

I don't think a rise of 6 percent is dramatic. You could write another way: As can be seen clearly, the most.... rising from 4 percent to around 35 percent in 2000.

The number of agriculture

The proportion of

during which time the contribution of manufacturing just over doubled.

I don't understand what you mean here.

was popular

were the main contributors of UK economy
MisterWandering   
Sep 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: The pie chart; People living in poverty in the UK [5]

It is apparent from the information supplied that

This part is not necessary.

was took up by far the highest proportion

made up a large percentage which is the second highest proportion overall

In general, it is clearly seen that the most popular categories are single people.

,

Overall, sole parents constituted the highest percentage of families living in poverty in the UK in 2002

It would be better if you could form an overview paragraph from these two sentences.
MisterWandering   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / The table below shows the monthly expenditure of an average Australian family in 1991 [3]

The table indicates the average family expenditure that expends monthly in Australia between 1991 and 2001

The table illustrates the changes in monthly spending of an average Australian household between 1991 and 2001.

At a glance, it can be seen that

I feel that both "At a glance" and "It can be seen that" mean the same. You could simply write "Overall".

expenditure in Food was by far more than other appliances.

I think that "other goods and services" were the biggest item of expenditure.
In the overview paragraph, you could indicate the change in total spending instead, for example: Overall, there was a rise in the total expenditure of an Australian family from 1991 to 2001.

The biggest increase of expenditure was in consuming Food which more than doubled over the period

It is not correct. Actually, electricity and water consumption experienced the most significant increase over the period.

The largest number of expenditure in total

This sentence is not aligned with your overview.

There were almost as much expensive in Transport as in Electricity and Water in 1991

I don't quite get what you mean here and I don't think "expensive" is the right word.
I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: various nutrition of two different dinners [7]

Hi, Kalyn. I haven't read this book yet but I think some of the phrases you used are too complicated. Sometimes, a very simple essay with great ideas and structure can help you to achieve a high score. Also, you need to know when to use these kinds of words rather than applying them in every essay. For example, I don't think the word "enjoy" is appropriate in this case. I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / Changing trends of local access to the advanced technology in the UK from 1996 to 2003. [4]

It would be better if you provided us with the graph of this essay.

The graph shows the percentage of changing trends of

The graph illustrates the changes in

over during this period

If you use "over", "during" is not necessary.

a gradual fluctuation in applying computer

Is it a fluctuation or a downward trend?

it increasing considerably

it increased considerably
MisterWandering   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: various nutrition of two different dinners [7]

A glance at the two pie charts provided reveals the various nutrition of two different dinners.

The two pie charts compare the percentage of several nutrients in medium baked potato and macaroni.

there is a dramatic rise

You can't use "rise" or "fall" in this essay as there is no change here.

there is a dramatic rise of carbohydrates and saturated fat in macaroni than medium baked potato

Macaroni has higher proportions of carbohydrates and saturated fat than medium baked potato.

most widely enjoyed

"enjoy" is the wrong word -> You had better write: Carbohydrates account for the highest proportion of both dinners

a negligible 10 percent in medium baked potato, saturated fat is over double in macaroni.

Meanwhile, saturated fat takes up over 20% of macaroni, doubling the corresponding figure for medium baked potato.

In stark contrast, however ,

all other nutrition decrease in macaroni.

As I mentioned above, this is wrongly used. You should write: constitute a lower proportion

most second widely enjoyed

Again, this is incorrect. Also, it should be "the second most", not "the most second"

is different from macaroni

Protein is the same. Its percentage is different.

there are also marked declines in nutritional consistency of glucose and other nutrients.

are the highest percentage

make up the highest percentage

five various nutrition

five nutritional compounds
I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl; Ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard [5]

go along difficulties

overcome difficulties

because you are not able to handle every aspect of your life

this part is not necessary.

best knowledged and most talented

He always tells us that in order to have a good business you should try to collect a group of workers together and try to make them to feel as a team.

It is not clear how others help him achive a goal.

had worked

launch

lunch

they both influence person's performance and should be paid attention.

If you think both of these factors influence a person's performance, why did you just mention the impact of cooperation with others?
MisterWandering   
Sep 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat - GRAPH [5]

the grams of beef, lamb and fish was consumed per week going downward while the trend of chicken consumption was upward.

There was a rise in the amount of chicken consumed while the other three experienced an opposite trend.

gram

grams

lamp

lamb

Fish was consumed more stable

Fish consumption was more stable

other type

other types

In contrary

On the contrary/In contrast
MisterWandering   
Sep 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 USA marriage and divorce rates [5]

the marriages and divorces rates

the number of married and divorced couples

'married' is by far the most popular marital status among Americans

the majority of Americans were married in 1970 and 2000.

There were higher rates of never married and divorced people in 2002 compared to 1970.

In my opinion, this is not the most remarkable feature of the chart so you could omit it from the overview paragraph.

unmarried people

people who never being married
MisterWandering   
Sep 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Retirement age at 60/65.What is your opinion. [5]

they may impose danger not only to themselves but also towards their colleagues

It would be better if you could give an example of these kinds of danger.

send the worker into an improvement plan or reassign the person to a position where he could be more efficient

What if this employee has no experience or knowledge related to this new position? Will this still affect productivity?

don't

Don't use contraction in your essay.

dependent to

dependent on

want to feel their presence is appreciated

want their presence to be appreciated
I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / If you succeed your past events you'll be able to experience the present at easy [4]

Hi, Ram! It would be better if you let us know what kind of test this is and what the full prompt of this essay is. I guess you are preparing for IELTS, right?

you

Don't use "you" in academic writing.

Without knowing the basic knowledge about the topic, it would not be possible to learn anything about the present or new things.

Why did you repeat this idea in your introduction?

I would prefer that

I believe that
MisterWandering   
Sep 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 School Spending - Feedback [9]

Try to shorten the sentence

I think you should use simple words rather than complex phrases when writing this kind of task. Keep it simple and clear.

I don't need to mention it in the first sentence in #3 paragraph again

No. I think teachers' salaries taking up the majority of total expenditure is the most noticeable feature of the chart and it needs to be stated in the "overall" paragraph. In the next paragraph, you could mention it again, but in a more detailed way with figures.

I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 1 School Spending - Feedback [9]

These are pie charts that show

The pie charts illustrate

The upshot of the charts is that

Overall

there was a downward trend in spending on other staffs' wages and resources such as books, which stands in clear contrast to other school expenditure.

Overall, teachers' salaries occupied the highest proportion of total expenditure in three given years. Likewise, there was a decrease in the percentage of spending on other staffs' wages and resources such as books.

It is difficult not to notice that

It is obvious that

had cost school spending 20%

accounted for 20% of the school's expenditure
MisterWandering   
Sep 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Too much exercise is bad for one's health [4]

To be more precise

,

In this essay, we will discuss these issues in great detail.

These are not necessary.

it has been claimed that people who train seven days a week, especially athletes, usually have a tendency to have aches and pains of muscles

It has been claimed that excessive training can lead to several health problems such as...

when sporting events are coming

prior to upcoming sporting events

which does usually cause them to get into bad health

which is usually harmful to their health.
Why do you just mention athletes in your essay? In my opinion, overtraining is also bad for those who are not professional.
MisterWandering   
Aug 31, 2013
Writing Feedback / Traffic congestion is becoming a huge problem for many major cities. Suggest some mea [3]

Hi Priya! It is better if you give us the full prompt of the essay. Also, if you are preparing for IELTS, your essay must contain at least 250 words. However, there are 222 words in the essay you posted.

etc

and so on

due to

I think "thanks to" sounds better in this case.
Your ideas are good!
MisterWandering   
Aug 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / It's not pointless to strive to keep traditional skills and life style alive. [4]

Hi, Alessia. What is the full prompt of this essay?

Many times technological development happened so rapidly that we can talk about " technological revolution" like the one occurred in the mid-1700s.

,

And it's not necessary something bad! for example the first industrial revolution in the mid-1700s radically changed men's life in a positive way because since then on some risky and dangerous jobs have been done by new machines and not by human beings.

These sentences are not necessary. You don't have to add examples in the introduction. Keep it short and direct.
MisterWandering   
Aug 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / host country ought to support cultural difference; local customs and behaviour [5]

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.

You should include the question of the prompt.

Advance technology has enhanced the growth of tourist around the world.

This sentence is off-topic.

different nation for separated customs, culture and the way of life.

Different nations have their unique customs, culture and way of life.

Record number of people conjecture,

This is unnecessary.

Visitors travel the countries to other countries

MisterWandering   
Aug 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people [3]

As you are preparing for IELTS, you must write at least 250 words in this essay.

Internet

the Internet

every coners

every corner

as a result; it connects us much closer than ever.

You could start a new sentence from here. Also, the semicolon is wrongly used. It should be replaced by a comma.

a very first important point

the first important point

To start with, a very first important point to consider is that there are an enourmous number of people using Internet all over around the world.

I think you should start each body paragraph with a reason why the Internet makes communication easier such as social network sites.
I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Aug 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Once you are unique enough, you are already on the way to success. [3]

many different directions

many different approaches

Which one is the promising way to succeed?

This sentence adds no value to your introduction.

In my opinion, I believe that

Is it a good usage?

As far as I'm concerned, don't use "you" in your academic writing. You could use "people" instead.

you've

Also, avoid contraction in your essay.

As living in a competent world

Do you mean "a competitive world"?

creating the fashion

I think "setting the trends" sounds better.

such a tremendous success

MisterWandering   
Aug 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; characteristics motivate to our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity [12]

The issue of characteristics more than experience can motivate on our development and Individuality in life

This is an incomplete sentence. You could change it a bit, for example: Some people believe that people's development and individuality are more influenced by characteristics.

, similarly, we learn different activities that act in future life are likely to happen in the future

You could start a new sentence from "Similarly".

makes us understanding

integrate with

integrate into
Is this a discussion essay? If so, you should discuss each view in each body paragraph. However, I feel that your first body paragraph is a bit off-topic as it focuses on how upbringing and education rather than characteristics influence individuals.

Self-individuality

Individuality

Self-individuality is a part of natural life even can recognize the self-esteem and self-honour.

This is not clear. I don't quite get your point here.

a good character assists to exchange everything with each other, for this reason, it is very important in life.

You could start a sentence from "A".

In conclusion, characteristics motivate us to reach our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity. Experience to novelty keeps a good learning of knowledge

You need to clarify these points on your body paragraphs.
I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Aug 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; characteristics motivate to our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity [12]

Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.

You had better give us the question of this essay.

attitude of every person is an innate ability

I think attitude is more like a state of mind than an innate ability.

The issue of characteristics more than experience can motivate on our development and Individuality in life

This is grammatically incorrect.

A person whether he/she is good or bad, is assessed people by behaviour

People are often assessed by their manners.

self-trails

Do you mean "traits"?

self-trails can't solely have a sense of influence on personality and development but must need experience in the way of life.

In my opinion, both characteristics and experiences play equally important roles in people's personality and growth.
I think you should revise your grammar as I can see many grammatical errors in your essay.
I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Aug 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Competition instills confidence into the child's mind. [5]

Hi, Mohammad. What is the question of the prompt? If this is an argumentative essay, you should state another reason and give some examples to support it in body paragraph 2.

Competition instills confidence into the child's mind (hook?). Someone's attention, children are stimulated in the school to compete with each other is better off. While, others support, cooperating is helpful to bring them up to useful adults(background?) A sense of competition means the speed of study and success to goal. However, I agree with the idea mentioned first in the given statement(thesis?)

You followed the right structure but this is not clear and it is hard to follow your ideas.

Some people believe that competition and cooperation in the field of study are obligatory for students to reflect a spirit on the mind. Because, contesting is the challenge against rival parties, that's why, it reaches children to their aspect of destination.

Do you mean that both qualities are important to students? However, in the introduction, you only agree with the encouragement of a sense of competition.

students should highly influence to compete each other

students should be motivated to compete with each other
MisterWandering   
Aug 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS : ESSAY ON DESCRIPTIVE WRITING FOR GRAPHICAL DATA [4]

The illustrated line graphs represents a comparison amongst various kind of meats eaten by Europeans (chicken, beef, lamb and fish) respectively over the 25 years i.e. from 1979 to 2004

The line graph compares the amount of fish and three kinds of meat consumed in one European country over a 25-year period.

Fish line graph starts off with lowest consumption amongst the four from 1979 at approximately 60grams/person/week

In 1979, fish was the least popular type of food with approximately 60 grams eaten per person per week. Then fish consumption remained constant for the rest of the period after a slight decline in 1984.

Beef consumption was reached its peak in 1979 at about 220gramsperpersonperweek, which declined rapidly by 30-40grams approximately in the early 1980's it then recovered rapidly in the year 1984 reaching its peak at 240 grams/person /week

The most consumed meat at the beginning of the course was beef with consumption coming at 220 grams. This was followed by a fall by about 30 grams prior to resurgence to reach a peak of 220 grams in 1984.

The beef line graph was erratic with occasional dips seen in the early 90's and then in late 90's at about 150gram/person/week, another one in early 2000

However, the consumption of beef decreased dramatically the following years, finishing the period at 100 grams.

The lamb line graph exhibited a capricious consumption trend which was diminishing progressively from the year 1979 to 2005

The amount of lamb eaten followed a similar pattern, falling by a half during 25 years.

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