Graduate / The sparks of innovation all start with the way we experience and perceive the world surround us. [4]

We can trim away excess words to refine and sharpen this:
The s Sparks of innovation all start wit fly when we are inspired by our experience of the world around us.
we to experience and perceive the world. surround us .

... daily life, I see an urge for me to learn more about and deeply understand the emerging technologies that we live and work with. Graduate program at Rhode Island School of Design will allow enable me to emerge myself into immerse myself in the convergence of...

... I desire I want to explore how ...

Typo here: As a designer who aims at pursuing multimedia study, It it is my responsibility to devote myself to...

...areas of interest and explore in the virtual media area. I am attracted to the diverse environment of interdisciplinary exploration in Digital + Media Department, and it seems ... I think the best way to improve this is to add more substance. If you have some particular interests that you can pursue at RISD you should share them somewhere near the start of the essay.

What I mean is that you can actually tell the reader specific things, and PROVE to the reader that you really have a plan that you're trying to carry out.

For example:
If you have studied the history of Providence, RI, maybe one of your artistic goals is to create new digital versions of old works of art in providence.

Or maybe you narrowed your college search down to 3 schools and RISD is still the best for you because of this particular program.
Or maybe you are a fan of some artists in RI, or maybe you have read some articles by some teachers at RISD.
ALL these are just examples of things that would really show the reader that you are a serious student and that you should absolutely have this opportunity opened to you.

What makes Providence, RI the best place for you to study design? Connect with the reader. ; -)

Undergraduate / I've spent my time seeing what's happening in the world from different perspectives. Why Lang? [3]

...going every weekend to volunteering to discuss with students in to volunteer as a ____(what?). This part of the sentence is unclear.

Your first sentence is really long. I suggest adding a short sentence right in front of it to start the essay in a way that is easy on the reader's brain. What is a short, punchy sentence you can add at the start of the essay?

... I spent all my of my High School high school years... not a proper noun.

Lang portrays the importance of this and --- try to avoid the word 'this' and replace them with great nouns that help the reader go deep in contemplation as they decode the words and internalize your message.

I think you should spend at least 1 or 2 more sentences talking about Lang, specifically it's unconventional style classroom. Such innovations inspire creativity! The prompt talks a lot about it, so you should get specific about how you could contribute to a process where you are partly in charge of your own education.

: )

Undergraduate / There came a time in my life when I absolutely hated my mother. [3]

I'll give a suggestion about the reader's experience. You can INTRIGUE the reader if you switch the order of the paragraphs. Let the essay start like this:

My world and mindset did not change until the Near the end of middle school when I realized that my mother is was my hero. --- I changed 'is' to 'was' because it's best to keep the verb tense consistent within the sentence.

I suggest putting that sentence at the beginning, because the reader will see the title at first and assume this essay is all about self-pity (some students use these essays the way they should use a therapist.) BUT then when the essay begins you are intriguing their minds by saying she was your hero.

I challenge you to reverse the order and do not begin the essay with so much negativity. The negativity should be sandwiched in the middle between a positive beginning and end. It's the rising action of the essay.

I like your writing style!

I believe that as I began to mature, I began to see all the things my mother did for me all along.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation - Erasmus+ Programme "European Master on Advanced Robotics Plus" [3]

The reader will be impressed with your very sophisticated sentences structure and style of writing. But I think the reader will assume you are the sort of person who does not know how to dance. If that is true, I sympathize because I can't usually dance well, either. I mention this, because your style of writing seems inhibited. I think you need to loosen up enough to express real ideas from your heart.

This is not supposed to be a demonstration of your ability to write in a formal way. You wrote this:
confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program.... --- This is an example of a comment that could be said of any student. They all want to bring abstract things like enthusiasm, etc. But it doesn't SHOW the reader your real aspirations.

The reader knows most of these essays to not reflect real aspirations (because most people do not have any very clear goals). To say "I want to be a scientist", for example, is not really a goal. "to become an expert researcher in robotic prostheses" is much better than the average student's essay, but it can still be better! I assume you want to be a researcher so that you can make a difference for certain types of people... and perhaps combine ideas from different disciplines.

I believe that a Advanced training in a graduate program of such great quality will help me to realize my dream. --- Here, I don't like' of such great quality' because it makes the whole sentence too abstract to be meaningful.

I don't mean to ask you to rewrite the whole letter. The goal is to build on those GREAT paragraphs where you give specific examples of your accomplishments. I like the middle paragraphs the most. I don't like the first and last paragraph. Think of this as telling a story to the reader. Show the reader what you have accomplished, and show also what you intend to accomplish in the next few years.

: )

Undergraduate / My primary goal is to major in mass communications and get involved in the field of journalism [2]

I don't think your stated primary goal is really the primary goal. : ) What is the real goal? Getting into journalism is a 'means to an end', just like becoming president, or becoming wealthy. They are means to certain ends... so what is the purpose you are trying to achieve? I admit, ambition is profane folly and our aspirations are all rather ridiculous in the grand scheme of things, but in the somewhat smaller scheme of things people are having real experienced, real grief and pain. You can help with that. So, what is the real goal?

And don't say something grand and dramatic like students usually say in these essays, lol. How about a goal associated with some aspect of society you really think should be brought to light? Example: If your primary goal is something about giving voice to the oppressed, your primary goal as a student might involve a specific blend of courses in journalism and sociology to lay your foundation. The point is that if you have a very specific plan for accomplishing some goals important to you, the reader absolutely will favor you. The reader rarely encounters an essay from a student with real goals and a real plan.

VCU will allow me to use the skills I have at hand and improve upon them throughout the next four years. This sort of sentence is not helpful. It can be replaces with sentences that really tell about specific goals you want to achieve. With some internet research you can learn fascinating things about accomplishments of other journalists... so, which inspire you, and what specific accomplishments do you think you might make to benefit the world during 2015-2020 with all the crazy things that are going on?

Graduate / Why I want to trade places with Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella for a day -MBA Georgiatech essay [3]


This sentence is not very strong, so it should be eliminated. Only the strong survive! : ) I challenge you to change some words in that sentence so that it intrigues the reader and perhaps introduces concept that will become the THEME of the essay.

Great writing in the second paragraph.. I like that paragraph a lot... " I want to poke around his mind and.. " ha ha.. cool.

...to grow in the 2010s and capture new markets. --- You should not do a paragraph break here. Connect the next paragraph to this one. This introduces the sentences that follow, so keep them as one paragraph.

Is this a typo? Check here: to agree to let Microsoft price it's upcoming software upgrade ...

These are what the goals I plan to achieve by being ...

You don't need my help! This is already quite impressive.

Graduate / "4cities": promising opportunity to break through my relatively narrow framework of insights; letter [2]


Yes, but you can break out of it when you no longer hesitate to take out the parts that need to be taken out. It's okay to get rid of a lot of sentences! : ) That's the hardest thing for any writer.


'Had done' is what you use when you are writing a sentence about what you 'did' AND you need to let the reader know about something you ALREADY did before.

Example: Yesterday I arrived at school late because I had done my homework in the morning. I had never been late before, so I decided to arrive late and use the extra time to ensure a good grade by completing my homework.

Let's not include 'China' because the reader knows where Shanghai is.
Born and raised in Shanghai, China and having

"Research" should be used like the word 'water'... the plural of water is still water.
For example, a significant part of my undergraduate researches research were was focused on...
or do this:
For example, a significant part some of my undergraduate researches projects were focused on...

My opinion: You can delete all this... "4cities would offer me a promising opportunity to break through ..." Delete the rest of that paragraph. Those sentences are great, but if you need to shorten this they are sentences that can be removed. The other sentences in other parts of the essay are even better.

You write very, very well and I'm really glad I got to offer some ideas for this. Your first paragraph is especially impressive because it is so insightful.

Undergraduate / 'Computer Science Major'; Co-op program for student internships - Georgia Tech Short Essay [2]

Hi, I think I don't like the word 'boasts' in that first sentence because it has negative connotations. Maybe a different word?

Also, this sentence is confusing... "This fascination fostered web development initiatives in high..." --- can you be more specific about what you did in those contexts?

The enthusiasm you use in your writing makes a great feeling in the reader, I think. Great job with this... my suggestion is to try to add a comparison with a few other schools.. set it apart by showing the reader that it actually will make a difference for you in your process if you are able to attend this school rather than a different one. If the reader knows this truly is the school you want because of it's specific attributes that enable you to achieve your short-term goals.. that is the key. They will want to give you an opportunity.

Undergraduate / "Don't Forget The Lyrics" (A Cheesy Common App Essay About A Bad Audition - Prompt #2) [5]

You know, this is a great accomplishment and it's the kind that could be played with... like, you could move the last paragraph to the top and make it the introduction. That would be really intriguing.

The room was becoming increasingly smaller than it did before and No matter how many times I had played this moment out in... The sentence didn't make sense as you had written it, so you should simplify.

Well, your writing is great and I really think you'll make a good impression with this. Now as you complete it, you might do well if you make a strong, clear connection between this experience and the GOALS you're trying to achieve in college. You can show how this experience of being humbled and empowered strengthened your empathy or understanding for people going through that experience. How is that related to your career goals? I'm interested in seeing how you can connect this experience with your professional goals.

: )

Graduate / Master of Nursing, statement of intention. Nursing has been my passion since my childhood. [5]

I'll make some small changes here:
...due to chronic illness or life threatening conditions . [End the sentence with a period and start a new one.]I remember every time visiting them in the hospital and ...

Hmm... I think instead of saying nursing has been your passion you should say medicine or health care is your passion. That sounds more genuine. Another way to sound genuine is to discuss your specific interests: specific illnesses to treat, specific philosophies of nursing, specific nursing theorists who inspired you, and tell who are the modern nursing professionals whose books and articles inspire you? Do not JUST be a nurse. Be someone with specialized interests. : ) That is how to be favored when you apply to the program.

Undergraduate / Linkedin Statement - determination and drive to excel inside and outside the classroom [3]

Let's analyze it based on the purpose. Is your purpose to catch the interest of people who might want to hire you or network with you? If so, it should be less about you and more about the reader. That's right, lol, your linkedin profile is not about you. It's about them. So, for example, the first line:

I am a Spanish, six-year Business Administration & Law student currently studying in ... expected graduation date of June, 2015. ---- The reader probably does not need any of this information. Let the first sentence stab the reader's curiosity right in the heart. ; ) How about considering what benefits people can gain from networking with you? What BENEFITS do you have to offer. Readers are interested in benefits. lol...

My determination and drive to excel inside and outside the classroom have aided me to be close to ...--- I think this part is bad. It is not specific, and it sucks away much of the reader's brain power. Suggestion: Make sure the first sentence of each paragraph is a sentence that gives the reader an idea you hope s/he will remember. For example, each paragraph can begin with a sentence about one of the benefits of working with you.

People hire me when they need someone with expertise in both business law and the German language. Improving my German language skills after my graduation is one of my short term goals...

I am primarily interested in an analyst position to start off a Don't say something that will cause most readers to rule you out. Say something to make them all want to know you.

: )

Writing Feedback / Mom vs. Mom: The differnce between employed mothers and stay-at-home mothers [2]

The first sentence should have plural nouns: homemakers and caregivers.

In fact, 61% of the total people employed... mothers. ---- Where did you get this statistic? You should put the name of the source in parentheses at the end of the sentence. : )

While many some mothers today choose to take on jobs outside of the home, many others make the choice to be of being a stay-at-home mom.

Studies suggest that there is a meaningful ---- again here, add a citation to Hoffman if this info comes from her.

Don't capitalize unnecessarily... becoming a Mother is the financial aspect.

In my research I have found that there are benefits to both...can only be decided by the family. ---- I think maybe a different sentence should be here at the conclusion... this sentence says different things... one, that each way has benefits, and two, that a 'family' should decide. I don't think this is specific enough, and I think it's not aligned with the rest of the essay. What is your real conclusion? I wonder what important insight you gained from what you read. It does not have to be the most important insight ever chared, but it's got some magic if you ask yourself, "What is the biggest new idea I got from doing this research?" Share that with the reader. : )

Research Papers / The Truth of Marijuana vs Alcohol - nearly 25.1% of eighth graders have consumed both. [3]

Don't use a run-on sentence:
Several other states are starting to debate whether or not to legalize it as well, and Arizona is

Research to date has not indicated that the determining factor that the fact that it is safer than alcohol is a basis for legalization.

... binge more than others, 90%, in fact The stat here does not make sense. 90% of what? It's better to end the sentence and then add a sentence that says what the stat means, and cite the source.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse the long term effects of marijuana consumptions consumption are overwhelming.

The long term use impairs the ability of T cells which are in the lungs immune system, The T cells function is to fight off infection. --- Do you need an apostrophe here? 'lungs' immune system'? But that is not right either, so I don't know what you mean. And notice that you used a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence.

Whether marijuana is safer than alcohol is no. --- Let's rewrite this and be clear. The answer to the question of whether...

: )

Hmm.. I don't know if you really came to any solid conclusion here.. it's good if you use a sentence at the end of the first paragraph to tell the reader what opinion you are expressing.

Writing Feedback / What age group do you prefer to spend your time with? Your own age group or other ones? [2]

One of the significant influences that play a pivotal roles in a person's socialization process of a person is the people with whom he/she interacts.

Some people prefer to choose their friends among ...

It's good to use a colon here:
The question that goes through the mind is: that What criteria are deemed important by each group for choosing their friends.

... a conclusion that which group would be more successful in socialization and life. --- This last sentence of the first paragraph is important. It should tell the reader your main idea/conclusion. It is not ALWAYS necessary to do that in the last sentence of the first paragraph, but in this case I think it's important to express to the reader your main idea so they can consider it while they read the rest of the paragraphs.

It's better to use the word 'older' instead of 'elder'... this is just my opinion, even though it is not wrong to use 'elder'... it is just not so commonly used, and it's a little awkward. It's good to keep things simple and say 'older'.

Another group of people, on the other hand, choose to be with younger...and social reasons. --- This is a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE (the first sentence of a paragraph). It should introduce a topic that supports your argument about which option is better. Each paragraph topic sentence should express an idea that helps to show why your opinion is correct (i.e. your opinion about which type of friends is better to have).

To sum up, people can be classified to two categories... and those who prefer to be with elder or younger people. -- This does not sum up your essay. It sums up the prompt question.

In my point of view, the former group ... --- This is the sentence that you should put at the end of the first paragraph. The whole essay is supposed to be about this opinion.

: )

Scholarship / Helping the community through autism awareness (APIASF prompt) [2]

Okay, great job. Now let's make this sentence a little clearer by simplifying:
Being a member of t The Circle of Friends Club, a club that focuses on the encourages acceptance of students with disabilities through relationship building with non-disabled peers.

I have developed a connection with these students through multiple peer-bonding activities. Circle of Friends does not only attempt attempts not only to bring these autistic students outside of their disengaged worlds but also to form a group...

However, not everyone are many people are un familiar with the disorder and not everyone are kind to it act in insensitive ways .

I like this, and I think it can be better with more substance. Can you think of two examples of specific actions you will take to spread awareness about autism? For example, maybe it is one of your research interests. You will get some great ideas if you read some professional journal articles about it, try to find some more recent than 2011 or 2012, so you see the most recent advancements. Get excited about contributing to our collective knowledge about it! You can even cite some scholars who wrote articles that interest you.

: )

Undergraduate / "worst mistakes" - at november 6, 1996 two twins were born [3]

Let's not say two twins ever. It's redundant. Let's do this:

November 6, 1996 two twins were born. Some people may ...

So, lets get started. I like your introduction a lot, and I just disagree with this sentence. It probably came to mind in a moment of inspiration, but it's in your mind to inspire you and not to actually be left in the final draft. I hope you'll replace that sentence with a sentence that expresses the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT IDEA you want the reader to remember. : ) That's the great thing to do at the end of the first paragraph.

nother reason why I behaved this way was because of the lack of father guidance. This sentence seems bad... it seems like shirking responsibility.

Mainly because my mom didn't allow him to. Let's get rid of this one, too.. you should not end a sentence with a preposition, and also this is not a complete sentence.

He was a drunk who smoked a lot and would beat you with crutches if you made him angry. --- Wow, great writing here.. great sentence!

That man name is Marshall Bienemy. Not helpful to give the name.

Hmm.. this is one of the best pieces of writing I have seen. I just wonder how well it serves your purpose here. The admission office reader might want to avoid falling into the trap of favoring applicants whose stories are emotionally evocative. They want to be objective. So I suggest discussing some of your intellectual goals and research interests. In what area will you become an expert?

: )

Undergraduate / My involvement with MUN. Describe the highlights of your most important achievements, contributions. [2]

To condense this, take out unhelpful words. Writing is always improved when the same ideas are expressed in fewer words. Like this:
As it turned out over the next three 3 years , MUN gave me not only gave me the biggest achievement of my life, but ...

Aside from the tangible achievements with MUN, has been a great catalyst in my passion for economics. T the intensive research on various nations has helped me learn about...

I like the last paragraph a lot. To condense more, find the least important sentence and kill it. : )

To sound genuine, add some comments about short-term goals you want to achieve during the next 1-2 years at the program to which you are applying. Describing short term goals is what demonstrates authenticity, because only the truly motivated students have real, specific goals for the future. They don't have to be grand, like curing cancer, but they should be specific and they should be goals that can be more easily achieved at this institution to which you are applying.

: )

Graduate / Norway and xxx have the same source of income: oil and gas. [3]

...master program in Petroleum Engineering in at xxx is --- I think it's good to use 'at' so you don't use 'in' twice like that.

Norway and xxx have share the same sources of income: oil and gas.

When I finish the master program, I will have more advanced knowledge and skills about associated with petroleum engineering.

Let's try to remove unhelpful words so the essay packs a harder punch:
In my 21 years of life , i I have gained a number of experiences which...

I am very excited to join the incoming class at the NTNU, Norway. --- I think you can do better with this important sentence -- the last sentence of the first paragraph. Try to say something more meaningful with it. : ) What do you really want the reader to remember?

: )

Graduate / China and many developing countries suffer severe smog, unlimited waste and polluted water [2]

It seems like 'processes' will work better here:
...such as waste water processes , waste management, and...

Accidentally, I gained myself an opportunity to have for an internship in... --- I crossed out workds that can be omitted, and with fewer words the sentence is stronger. It hits the reader's mind harder.

Also, an internship in Shanghai Environmental Monitoring Center, in October 2013, helped me to... -- I think it's not helpful to specify when it was done.

Use a semi-colon:
...improve the environmental quality; I knew that there is was the Environmental Engineering master programme in Nanyang technological University which highly coincided with my specialty.

: )

Writing Feedback / It is common knowledge that time is flying way too fast - time is money [2]

Time is irreversible, and consequently it must be valued.

People say that time is money and it's hard to argue with this. --- This was not an error, but often it's better to omit 'that' in a sentence.

For example we do not have to spend our time on computer games and on the In ternet.

Instead, we can do something valuable and important. Fo r instance, to we can help someone or to read a book.

As I noted, time is flying too fast, and life is very too short to spend it on trivial issues.

: ) Great job! It's more valuable to be multilingual than to have perfect English grammar, anyway.

Undergraduate / "One never stops learning until one dies" USC academic interests essay by "Undeclared" major student [5]

From a young age, my I feel that too many of these essays begin with 'Since a young age..." and it's not helpful.

Also, the way you wrote it is awkward because it implies that your father has influenced you since hewas young.
I suggest: My father has tremendously influenced me as he strongly instilled in me the desire to develop a caring nature and a curious mind, and he encouraged me to grasp any all learning opportunities available. He epitomizes and ...

As a result, from the world of music to those of psychology and business, I have...

It's important to add a few specific examples of goals you want to achieve during your first year... short-term goals, not vague ideas about 'giving back to the community' or quenching a thirst for knowledge.. these could apply no matter what school you attend. Is there a particular prof whose articles/books inspire you? Is there a special program or club you plan to join? See if you can tell the reader some examples of GREAT opportunities offered by this particular school. That way, the reader will feel some emotional pressure to give you this opportunity.

: )

Writing Feedback / Laser Fungal Therapy Essay for Research Project [2]

Insurances do not cover... It might be clearer to say 'Insurance policies do not.."
But that is nitpicking; I don't see much room for improvement, because this whole essay is so well-written and well-structured!

I checked a few times to see if you just pasted this from an online article. I mean that as a compliment! It is so professionally and clearly explained. Example: I like your decision to use the word 'nasty', because it makes this so much more interesting.

Well, what can I possibly suggest...? I guess I would like to suggest that, if this is a proposal for a research project, you should spend some time to propose what you suggest doing. Is this simply a piece of expository writing to explain the topic? If so, it is great as it is. But if the purpose is to suggest a research project, then it's great to explain what research method you would like to use and what benefits can be enjoyed as a result of answering the research question.

: )

Writing Feedback / Changes of the seaside resort of Templeton between 1990 and 2005. IELTS Task 1 [3]

...but during the 15 years period between 1990 and 2005 the ... ----- It's not clear to say 'period' here.. well, actually it is fine, but I suggest this change to improve clarity and sentence structure.

The most noticeable is that almost all---- great sentence here!

Nice job with this... this is the most difficult kind of writing, because you are explaining what an image was used for explaining. The image is used because it's hard to explain this information with sentences. You did well with it. : )

Writing Feedback / SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS DESERVE BETTER [2]

With the right accommodations they can have equal educational opportunity. (I think it's more accurate to say this instead of saying they can live independent lives with the right education. But this is just a minor suggestion! Your writing is great.

Let's use a colon here:
The question is: What is the right education?

The controversy is mainstreaming disabled --- The controversy is not mainstreaming anything. You could type this instead: Significant controversy is associated with disagreement pertaining to the question of whether to strive for their inclusion in general education classrooms or to set them apart so as to provide them the special attention they need.

The sentence at the end of the first paragraph says this issue must be brought to the forefront. Is that really the main idea of your essay? What else do you think? You could perhaps mention at the end of the first paragraph whether you are in favor of inclusion in conventional ed classrooms.

: )

Undergraduate / Journalism is not an easy career in Vietnam - E.W SCRIPPS SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM/OHIO UNIVERSITY [11]


This should be two words, so separate them. When you write them as a single word it is an adverb that should describe a very, adverb, or another adjective.

Hey, I am impressed by the way you express a clear goal at the start of the essay. However, you can make a few examples to demonstrate what you mean. In the United States, it seems that journalism and the media all are influenced too much by money and ulterior motives, for example. Journalists perhaps report what is most sensational rather than what is most important. Does Vietnamese journalism have similar problems, or are they different? It might be a good idea to add a few sentences to the first paragraph so that this first paragraph includes at least 4 sentences. That can help it to reinforce the main idea of the essay.

So, if you type some more sentences to elaborate one what the 'game' of journalism is like now, and what most urgently needs to be changed, that will improve the whole paper. I do see that you have 3 body paragraphs that each begin with topic sentences which express excellent ideas. Let's introduce these ideas better in the introduction. Clearly, you do already express 3 distinct ideas in your body paragraphs, but I still think the introduction could more interestingly express the main idea of the whole essay. You could challenge yourself by pretending that you can only type 4 sentences, total, to express your idea to the reader. What 4 sentences would you type as the intro paragraph if you had to use only 4 sentences to capture the reader's attention and get her or him to remember (for the rest of their lives) this essay about changes that can improve Vietnamese culture by improving journalism based on your own philosophy of journalism and your observations about it's specific current shortcomings.

: )

Undergraduate / Dear diary, after consulting Professor O'Brian, I emailed CURF the detailed plan of my new project. [3]


Wow, nice job here.. and I like the idea of making it a diary entry! This will be well received.

... and make, not a, but a plethora of changes.--- I think it's too much to say 'not a but'... and perhaps this is not specific and meaningful enough to be the sentence that ends the first paragraph. Can you change it or add a sentence so that at the end of the first paragraph the reader knows the main idea of the essay?Maybe it's good to add just a very short sentence to plant an idea in the reader's mind.

As I constantly challenge myself, and I savor the tears and joy; I increasingly resonate with a quote on Quad's bathroom door: "Any ...--- I added " marks to start the quote. I also added a semi-colon to prevent it from being a run-on sentence.

You have an excellent writing style! This is a work of art.

Undergraduate / I went on the stage, sat down at the piano and started hitting the first note of "Amazing Grace" [2]

It might be good to use the word 'prompted' in the essay to show clearly that you covered that part of the prompt. Part of what they look for is clear indication that you answered the prompt.

indifferent to toward...

It might be tough to reduce the narrative since this prompt asks for a narrative.

Use a semi-colon: ...started the preparation; why don't...

Hmm.. the part where you can stop the narrative is the last paragraph. That paragraph can be reflection and discussion of the main insight you are sharing with the reader. It might be best to choose 2 sentences to delete and make room for another conclusion paragraph where you discuss the implications/conclusions you get from what you learned.

: )

Undergraduate / 'Growing up, I was a quiet child' - Amherst - Stereotyped Beliefs Become Self-Fulfilling Prophecy [5]


I think this is redundant. Maybe just keep the important parts:
Growing up, I was a quiet child. I would keep to myself, do what the teacher said, and study hard.

However, my quietness was not because... --- I don't like this sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Can you replace it with a sentence that expresses the most important idea - the one you want the reader to remember?

I realize individuals are far too complex to neatly be placed in convenient boxes. --- I like this sentence. It could be used for the theme of the whole essay. I think this will be better if you express the main idea in the first paragraph. You told too much story before revealing the point you want to make.

Whenever stereotypes do rear its their ugly face heads...

Undergraduate / I go to art gallery. I see many art pieces. Personal statement for university [3]

I go to an art gallery. I see many art pieces. People were are discussing about what they see and talk talking about the sentiment of whole piece. --- I changed it so the grammar is correct and it is all in the present verb tense. I like the way the style of this essay will be if you tell the story in the present tense, as though you are remembering it and telling it like it is happening right now.

...became a big part of my life. --- I think you should add a sentence right after this one and make it the 'thesis statement' so that it expresses the main idea/message of the whole essay. What is the main message you want the reader to remember?

Unfortunately, there is no class in my current high school that would offer even a similar field of fashion.--- I like the way you wrote this sentence. I think it is one of the most important sentences in the essay, because it shows the reader that this program to which you are applying will create a new opportunity for you and empower you to carry out your plan. : )

At the end of the essay, in the last paragraph you can again discuss the main idea/message from the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Meat: Mystery and History - Pomona College Supplemental Essay [6]


Hi! You have a great writing style.. I will point out a possible problem here, though, and I wonder if you'll agree: This idea of a chasm cannot apply to 'how it is produced' and 'the consumer'... I think you mean to refer to how it is produced that the how consumers would like it to be produced.

I really enjoyed reading this. It gave me the insight that sweeping the dirty practices under the carpet is possible because the average consumer cannot be knowledgeable enough to see through the trickery -- so many things seem healthy and are not. And marketing is so powerful. We have a conflict of interests, because increasing the quality of food interferes with profit. Only resolute, educated consumers can ensure their own wise choices when buying food.

This sentence is not written correctly:
This class needs to exist for the very simple reason: There is so much too ignorance about food production here in the United States.
I made a correction using a colon, and I think that is cool.

The poor are kept poor so the rich can get richer, and cheap food businesses want to sell food at the prices poor people can afford!

Well, your essay has a great quality -- it is actually interesting to read. Most academic essays are not interesting. : ) I think it will make a good impression.

***If this is supposed to reflect knowledge of specific information they expect you to research (stuff mentioned in the prompt) be sure to include information that shows you did the reading/research.

Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answers: So they can get to know me better. [7]

Sometimes when we ask for brutal honest we get people who try to make up for a lack of meaningful suggestions by being brutal only for the sake of being brutal. : )

For the favorite things.. If it's allowed.. I would use the 50 words to write to mention how they reflect your dedication to [whatever it is that you are trying to achieve by entering their degree program].

Same with all aspects of this.. resist the urge to answer in a way that simply expresses what you like. Use a double meaning. That is, I think you can use each mention of a favorite thing as an opportunity to reinforce to the reader that you are extremely motivated to achieve the goal that you will achieve during your studies at Stanford. So, what is the most important goal associated with your degree program? : )

something I had always wanted to see.

Writing Feedback / Critique about the article "Land, Territory and Identity" [2]

Here is an idea for making the first sentence easier to read:
The article named "Land, Territory and Identity" is philosophical and geographical 2012 research article by David Storey, who is a professional geographer and senior lecturer at Institute of Science and the Environment in University of Worcester in United Kingdom.

I removed 'geographical and philosophical" because it's too much information to include in the sentence. The rest of the paragraph will explain what it is about.

Don't use the word 'basically'.. it can be deleted.

I like the way you ended your first paragraph! I'll suggest a small change:
... it is quite successful piece of writing which attempts to at interpreting some issues for the modern world and civil societies in the article .--- You should improve that sentence by naming the most important, specific issue it interprets.

: )

Book Reports / Looking for a difference in two adaptations of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet [2]


Let's eliminate the redundancy here.. just write:
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare is a play...

When I read the first paragraph, I can't figure out the main idea you are expressing. I think it is not necessary to tell the reader the play has clear visual portrayals of the action. It's okay to just say what you intend to say: How ever there are Some parts of "Romeo and Juliet" make it necessary for the reader to do some interpretation.

It's okay to simply say it that way. The reader will understand what you mean.

I may not agree with the way they where were done but can understand that it made sense to them.

When you write your final draft, challenge your self to end the first paragraph with a sentence telling the main idea of the whole paper (in 1 sentence).

Also, begin paragraph 2 with a sentence explaining an important reason why the main idea/message of the whole paper is a strong, true idea.

Graduate / Self-Assessment Essay for apply a Master in Dance/Movement Therapy Department [2]

Hi! Sorry you needed to wait so long for a response! : )

Dance has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember , At the age of---- I see an error here.. end the sentence with a period and start a new one.

... the joy of dance. was infused into my bod. I think the sentence was too long, so I suggest omitting those words.

... it was the most valuable experience that I had learned in my child hood.---- This sentence at the end of the first paragraph is nice. But I think it will be better if you add one more sentence to tell the reader one SPECIFIC goal you want to achieve in the program to which you are applying. You expressed your ideas in a great way, and now that the reader knows you gained special insight from dance, let them know what is at stake while you are applying to this program. What goal will you try to achieve during your time in this program? Tell the reader about that at the end of your first paragraph (that's my suggestion!).

You should mention that idea again in the last paragraph, too. And it's good if you divide some of the sentences into 2 sentences, so they won't be so long. Short sentences are better for clear writing and perfect grammar. : )

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]


I notice that this sentence is not really related to the other sentences in the paragraph. The paragraph is about an environment conducive to inspiration AND about the necessity of getting inspired before you can inspire. But believing in oneself is totally different.

I suggest replacing that sentence with a sentence that expresses the most important idea... the one the reader is supposed to remember about your essay. Everyone likes to be told a story. When I entered college I specifically wanted to learn about the work of Noam Chomsky because his work had inspired me to study linguistics.That sentence is a little story. Even if you don't know who Chomsky is, you enjoy the story. So I suggest adding or changing a sentence in each paragraph to say something about the 'story' of how you will achieve particular, specific goals at this school.

One strategy is like this: End the first paragraph with a sentence similar to my Chomsky sentence, telling the reader something specific about your own unique interests. Then, include at least one sentence in each body paragraph to tell how the main idea of that paragraph relates to the 'story' of how you will achieve particular, specific goals at this school.

Poetry / Significance of Death - Death as a way of life, [2]

What you have written is great.. all writing is subject to criticism and disagreement, but your effort so far shows that you did a lot of study about the poems. Now, what about relating them to confessional poetry? Since that is part of the task, I think it's okay to look for a similarity between this and another confessional poem. Since you are studying this, you probably know a few poets associated with this kind of poetry.

Can you show how the meaning (of one of the quotes) and the meaning of some lines from another poem are similar or dissimilar?
How about identifying more figures of speech and discussing the reasons they might have been chosen?
It also helps if you cite some great books or articles that analyze the poem and discuss the ideas they offer. The trick to getting through a paper like this is to allow yourself to look at the prompt from a whole new perspective, and then you can go very deep in your analysis.

: )

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

First, I suggest getting rid of 'I believe'
I believe that in order To inspire others you ..

Also, it's better not to use 'you' because the reader does not want to feel like someone is preaching to them and presuming to tell them what to do:

To inspire others, you I first first have to gain personal inspiration from experience, as well as from what people have taught you me. ---- This way is more 'modest' I think, and it feels nicer to the reader.

For me inspiration is not something that happens suddenly. hits you like most people believe, --- no need to say what most people believe. Readers liek to figure some things out on their own.

Start a new sentence instead of letting it be a run on sentence: In my opinion it is more that (than?) just a process; inspiration ...

"Everyday" is an adjective. Since you are not using it as an adjective, use two separate words: Every day...

I think the last sentence of the essay is full of vague statements that do not mean anything specific enough. If you mention a few specific goals that are unique to you, unique to your perspective, it might leave a stronger impression on the reader's mind.

: )

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

I agree a lot with that first sentence... and it's a great idea to use as the first sentence. But we should improve the efficiency:

I truly believe that a An artistic environment mainly n one thing that is to is one that enables people to inspire and to be inspired.

Inspiration is the energy at the root of it all, for sure.

The first sentence of the last paragraph has a lot of energy to it, and I think your personality is strongly reflected in the writing. But also be careful. it's a run-on sentence if you don't include the word 'and' ------ what I want and what I am capable of, and I know ...

In my opinion, inspiration equals gaining from what life has to offer everyday every day. It's learning that ---- Are you sure this is how you explain the concept of inspiration? I didn't think of inspiration as something that could be described as gaining from what life has to offer. Your explanation of it seems confusing and incomplete.

But most importantly, this essay really does already have great energy. You must have been feeling it when you were typing. It's something that was written in a moment of inspiration, and the reader notices that. : )

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]


How did being born prematurely help with such decisions?

In general, I think it is a mistake to use the fact that you were born prematurely as evidence of your preparedness for succeeding in this college program. It's not really part of what makes the reader decide whether to give you an opportunity.

When using the kind of telepathy we call 'writing', it's important to remember: Less = more. That means, you make a stronger impression on the reader if you burden her with fewer ideas to process and remember. Try to make it so this essay is all about one idea. Let it be a theme that the reader can remember. What is the theme of your plan for using this program to help you get closer to your goals? What is one word that perfectly expresses the reason you are a good fit for the program?

That resilience and determination has followed me through life. ..---if you have 2 words, it should be 'have' instead of 'had'.. but I think the best way is to omit these words I crossed out.

In order to inspire others you first have to gain personal inspiration from experience, as well as from what people have taught you. You have to be taught to believe in yourself in order to teach others to do so. ---- THIS IS PERFECT! THIS IS A REAL IDEA YOU'RE SHARING WITH THE READER, and I benefited from it so I know others can, too. Thanks for sharing this insight. If you put this at the beginning of the essay, in the first paragraph, you will win the heart of the reader.

***Challenge yourself to describe all accomplishments/experiences in 50% of the words you have used. Simplify, and omit the least important words and sentences. Trim them right away.

Writing Feedback / Managing university's budgets effectively requires carefully consider. Money to sports activities! [3]

Plural: years
In recent years, there has ...

... in my opinion, giving money to support sports activities has had a positive effect on students for several reasons.---You ended the first paragraph with this sentence, so it makes the reader think this is the main idea of the paper. But the main idea of the paper should be an answer to the question of whether the funding should be the SAME amount for each. So, I think you should add another sentence to the end of this paragraph to express whether you agree that the funding should be equal.

Funding improves not only access to those activities, but also support for students to gain knowledge about other fields of expertise. --- I changed this sentence to make it work. When you use 'not only... but also' it is a complicated kind of sentence. Here, now I changed it to say funding improves 'not only access... but also... support...'

As I get to the end of the paper, I still see that the question is not answered. You always get judged on how well you answer the specific question they ask. Should it be the same, or not?

Great English, just a few small mistakes!

: )