Undergraduate / My Environment - Moving to the Philippines and to a new school [2]

However, after three whole years of life in the contrasting environment, I found myself sharing commonalities with the people whom I had considered to be so odd.

I attended school in Korea my whole life before I moved to the Philippines and started eighth grade in International School of Manila.

Thus, my negativity about people from other countries besides Korea changed almost immediately.

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC TRANSFERRING ESSAY PROMPT 1 & 2, I have a traveler's eye [3]

Imagine you are now traveling in a city to which you have never been.

I am proud to say that I have a traveler's eye, and that I am still happily unfamiliar with this world.

Now, at the end of this essay, add one or two more sentences about how this affects who you are.. and include mention of the program to which you are applying.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "a freshman who hated Chinese"; "chicken on fire" - UC PROMPT 1 & 2 [8]

Wow, great essay. No, I have no changes to suggest. You write very well!

Undergraduate / "America can change. Yes we can." UC #1 [5]

Well, maybe Obama did use that phrase so much that it has gotten old... but maybe not, and at least this does show that you are interested in politics.

Like randomzm, I caught that last line:

My goal and aspiration for life is to constitute change for myself, my family and my community. I will be different, I will make a difference, I will succeed, Yes, I can!

I would revise this way:

My aspiration for life is to manifest change for myself, my family and my community. We can be different, and make a difference, as we rise to the occasion and succeed. Yes, we can!

Undergraduate / "what do you want to do when you grow up?" - UC Prompt 1 [7]

No, describing the world you come from is exactly what you have done here. I think you did answer the prompt. Also, it is not pessimistic in tone, but thoughtful. :)

Undergraduate / "my drink" - UC Prompt #1 [4]

I found some improvements to make in the segment below:

This drink I that hold in my hands looks like expired milk dipped in cheese, yet the people around me are savoring it . I decided to take a sip, and in doing so I set foot on a journey between two worlds, which I am still on today.

The coarse aftertaste running into my throat as if the beans were not processed fully, reminds me of the difficulties when I first came to this new world, far from my home in San Ramon, California.

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Response to question "to what other colleges..."? [3]

You can show them that you are a thoughtful, motivated student by letting them know that you are applying to a few different places instead of just one. You can rank them in order of importance to you, with the school to which you are applying at the top. Most importantly, use this as an opportunity to show them that you write well and think clearly.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "my intended major is history" - UC personal statement. Prompt 2 [2]

Use two commas here:

When I got to college, though, I realized that just because I was good at something did not mean it was my passion.

Needless to say, my intended major is history, and I intend to use it as a stepping stone towards a career in law.

If you can find room for one or two more sentences, perhaps by cutting a few unnecessary words, you can mention how history, as a study of writing, is also well-suited to you because of your skill in English.

Good job, I like how you were forthright about using the major as a stepping stone toward law school.

Undergraduate / "to talk about an issue I concern" (Wallstreet) - UT TOPIC B [2]

The nation's economy is in a recession, this year's college graduates face a job market that is not very promising . So far, only 65% of last year's college graduates had found jobs , and the remaining 35% are either still looking for opportunities, or they are planning to pursue an advanced degrees.

I revised the above passage slightly, because it needed some help, but I also think that the very last phrase is unnecessary. You can revise this way:

The nation's economy is in a recession, this year's college graduates face a job market that is not very promising . So far, only 65% of last year's college graduates had found jobs .

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "my first-ever vacation" - UC app- prompt 2 [5]

For this senence,

I thanked him and we parted ways when I retrieved my food.

I think you should revise like this:

I thanked him, and we parted ways.

Other than this and the feedback that the others gave you, I find little to criticize. Good luck in school!

Kevin

Undergraduate / wonder and intrigue on how my high school career would unfold; UC essay "My urge for determination" [3]

I was faced with fear, wonder and intrigue about ...

I see that in many places you have a space before the period that ends the sentence.

I could see the displeasure, and sometimes fierce hatred, from my peers who simply wished to see me fail. I do candidly admit that I was a common victim chosen by bullies.

Part of my identify involves expressing myself without regad for compliance with others' expectations. I might have been a "reject" from the typical crowd, but I upheld my morals and did not let myself to be manipulated in any way. I was determined to exemplify persistence, productivity and patience regardless of external factors. Now that I look back , I realize that my determination to succeed was imperative for me to surpass and cope with the social obstacles that I went encountered .

I hope you have great success in college! Thanks for letting us help with this essay.

Kevin

Undergraduate / My older sister and her impact on my life - essay [4]

I once heard a quote about the people we come to meet, how only...

Usually, you should not abbreviate words into contractions, but instead just type the two words separately.

Some of them were generally good while others were of questionable nature.

You are probably wondering why,

Yes, good start, indeed. When you start to write, it is not SUPPOSED to be organized. Organize it later. If you contemplate the truths and lessons that have been revealed in relationship with your sister, you will come up with one excellent sentence. That sentence will be so goo that you will want to elaborate on it, and the writing will start to flow!

God luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / My involvement in theater - Acting was officially my new hobby. UC transfer essay [11]

I think you must be directing this question to other people who are applying to this school, is that right? I don't know about that school's application process...

Undergraduate / "My mom and dad's office" - UC prompt 1 and 2 [11]

The only thing I want to ask about is the title: My Mom and Dad's Office

Is this title going to be used, or was it just something you wrote as a title for this discussion? To say "my mom and dad's" is not quite correct. You might want to say:

My Parents' Office

or

The Work Environment of My Mom and Dad

...and you should change it in paragraph 2: While growing up, I spent a great deal of time in the office that belonged to my mom and dad.

Undergraduate / Essay feedback - Issue of terrorism and its significance to me [2]

Instead of using contractions (i.e. "didn't"), write the two words separately.

For me, this meant being looked at differently, being made fun of, and even being feared or hated.

fourth instead of 4rth

twelve instead of 12

I had to accept that it was true.

I think this is a great sentence: Nevertheless, I was mercilessly put down and made fun of by my peers, who, driven by fear, shunned me for being different.

I think it will be good if you can connect this discussion with your plans involving the school to which you are applying. Good job!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "I will always have a desire to help others." - UC Prompt 2 [5]

This is great! I'll just change one sentence:

As I began to question more and more, I began to form my own opinions and views. I started noticing many people in the working class who struggled, yet received little or no help. I realized that, unlike the society portrayed in the book, our government had the ability to help...

Undergraduate / UC application (Activities & Awards, community service, additional comments [3]

*I need some help on the Activities & Awards section:

Artisan Club : I produced animated movies in this club. I was also in charge of producing and editing photoshop work.

Asian Pacific Club : Asian Pacific Club secretary. I took care of all the paper work, and I made a plan for a meeting and club activities.

Cross Country Team: Girls' junior varsity team

Track Team: I was a long-distance runner on the girls' varstiy team.

Community Service: At Marian Medical Center, I organized and delivered medical supplies, and I took care of all inventories at the center.

For the 3rd statement, write about your plans for the future and why their school is perfect for you. You can use specific names of faculty members to show that you have researched the school. Good luck!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Essay about selecting the course. [6]

Oh, I see! Well, I bet it will help if you read about constructivist learning theory. Constructivism is all about how knowledge must be built upon pre-existing knowledge, so it supports this argument well. If you learn all about constructivism, you will do well!

Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

Well, just keep in mind your purpose: to show them that you are a motivated student who will achieve much. You can write more about the experience of tutoring, but do not forget that the purpose is to demonstrate your seriousness and clear mind.

:)

Kevin

Research Papers / help me with an autobiographical research paper (the cultural diversity) [3]

Wow, did you do this research yourself, or is it somebody else's study? Cite that study in your paper.

If you are having trouble, remember to write one thing at a time. Start with anything. You can move the paragraphs around later.

I don't know what his essay is for, but it is probably just as good to write about the LACK of diversity in your community. Read some articles about the ethnicities represented in your town/city, and write your thoughts. Write about your experiences in the community.

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Laughter is the best med UC transfer Promp #2 [3]

If there is one motto that I follow the most, it is this: "laughter is the best medicine." All throughout my life, I have been the center of my friend's attention with my jokes and witty comments. As I grew older, I realized that there have been many times when laughing through a rough situation is the easiest and even the best way to cope with obstacles.

End that paragraph, and start paragraph two:
In the midst of varsity swimming...

Good, do you have room to add a paragraph of reflection or elaboration, or is there a word limit that you have to stay within?

Undergraduate / "my interest in the medical and biotechnological world-UC transfer prompt 1 [2]

Your writing is technically sound, so I will try to help improve the opening:

I'll divide the first paragraph into two. Also, take away "In retrospect," and start like this:

Humans have exponentially increased their knowledge in every scientific field during the last couple of centuries, but everyone still knows at least one person who is affected by some sort of sickness. Disease has always been a factor in human history but through the advent of ever-improving technology, we have dramatically increased our lifespan and overall healthy. I intend to study biochemistry, because it incorporates two of the biggest and fastest growing fields in science today.

Biochemistry has the versatility to allow us to work in numerous industries and look into life from the view of molecular interactions. With the increase of such pandemics as the bird flu and the ever resilient HIV virus, people are relying more than ever on drugs and the biotechnology industry, an industry that I ultimately belong in...

It is already a great essay. Good luck!!
Kevin

Writing Feedback / Essay about "what I would do with some land" [2]

we should not decide their destinies for...

capability to take care of them or of whether or not they plan to keep them forever.

I think it would help if you described good use of, say, two acres of land. Describe an outdoor facility.

I could not find many mistakes to correct! Good job.

Kevin

Writing Feedback / help with essay for aboard [4]

With the enormous population in Beijing it has various ethnic groups, races and tribes.

I am currently taking Mandarin

China has been persevering for more than six millenniums.

A student can gain a superficial understanding of a culture by reading about it, but to live and experience...

Good luck!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Arumentative Essay(MLA Style) Is Spanking the Right Way to Discipline [3]

It might be best to use some word other than "spanking." Can you call it "corporal punishment?" Here are some thoughts:

Opponents argue, "spanking sends the message to kids that it is ok for a person to strike a smaller person" (Andero and Stewart).

For some of the things you say, you do not cite any research studies to back it up. For example: This will teach the child to listen to you and he will not go into the street again. A spanking should only be a few strikes on the buttocks. It should never be only any other part of the body. With the exception of one light tap on the hand. This teaches a child not to touch an item, such as the stove.

There is also a discussion about the age at which paddling should be used .

Now, in order to make a strong paper, you should state your thesis right at the beginning. At the start, say: Parents have to realize that they will need to discipline their children for many years. A spanking needs to be part of that discipline. People must realize that as long as the child is spanked in the proper way, it is never child abuse. It is only discipline.

However, I am afraid this cannot be a strong paper, because modern research suggests that corporal punishment is not acceptable. If you can find a recent research study that shows benefits of spanking, you should cite that article, and it will make your paper better. Try to find some research articles through Google Scholar--papers that support your argument in favor of spanking.

Good luck!!

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Apartment Vs dormitories at university. [3]

Great essay, let me comment on this first part:

Take out these two unnecessary sentences: Many students prefer to live in the university dormitories while others prefer an apartment in the city. Both options have their advantages and disadvantages.

Start with this: After considering the level of freedom, the studying conditions and the economic factor, I believe that I would prefer to live in an apartment in the community rather than in the university dormitories.

Now, for the conclusion, you can find a way to show that you are a driven student and a methodical thinker: It is better to be able to visit campus when you want to do so, but to have an apartment to which you can retreat and complete your studies.

Good luck!

Research Papers / Catch-22 Major Research Paper; "Generals Die in Bed" [7]

This is a great start.

I would add words to the thesis statement:

War does not necessarily make people lose all faith, but it does have unacceptable consequences, which include death and post-war trauma.

Only take that suggestion if it seems right to you.

As for the outline, it looks great. Does it fulfill the requirements? You will probably change it slightly as you work. Some teachers say that it is wrong to change your outline as you work, but those teachers are wrong. As you research a topic, your ideas change, which is the whole point of the assignment.

Undergraduate / 'My parents gave me the best chance' - UC promp #1-parents influence [3]

Just a few things to fix:

They never forced their will upon me or tried to steer me away from my dreams . (you had used the word "stray," which is not quit right.)

Neither of my parents had a college education, so they have had to work quite hard...

My parents' support has encouraged me to

Nice job! Your parents will feel good about themselves if you let them read this.

Kevin

Undergraduate / "the experience of mastering Tae Kwon Do" - UC Prompt: Essay 2 [4]

When you have time, check out some books by Dr. Yang Jwing Ming, if you have not already. He teaches Taijiquan, not TKD, but it is important to learn the internal arts, now that you have so much experience! It would be a waste not to learn Qigong.

Good luck in school!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1, Psychology Major [5]

Nice! Now, maybe you should start with this paragraph:

In my second year of community college, I began taking psychology classes. After taking my first psychology class, I knew I wanted to become a psychology major. I assisted and acted in a short drama that students were conducting on campus. It was a film on the psychology of secrecy, love, jealously and affection. The film is still being shown in Professor Pham's Psychology 100 lecture as part of the curriculum.

Then, start the next paragraph by connecting your study of psych with your experience of it: I remember sitting on a plush couch in a tiny room...

Then you can come back to the present and tell how your psych class prepared you for the yelling customer... and how you are now certain that the psych program at [name of school] is the way to go!

However, only take that advice if it seems right to you. It is good this way, too.

Good luck!!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / My involvement in theater - Acting was officially my new hobby. UC transfer essay [11]

Oh, I believe you are right for particular forum...Instead of indenting, I leave a space in between the paragraphs.

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Mohammed Ibn Abdullah has made an impact on my life [3]

Oh, this is terrific! I only want to offer changes for the last paragraph:

I live my life with the guidance of his examples of righteousness, honesty, integrity, compassion, justice, and equity. How I walk, how I speak, how I carry myself, how I treat my mother and father, and how I behave as a son, brother, student, friend, and neighbor--that is all Mohammed in action.

Now, you should also delete this part: Mohammed died in 632 and left behind him a people united...Today Mohammed remains, more than anything else, a great role model.

By deleting that, you end with a powerful phrase, Muhammed in action.

Undergraduate / so far, everyone who has read it says it's good....Magic of Music ---UC #1 [8]

I think these three lines can go together in a single paragraph:

The glissando notes, like the rushing droplets of a water fountain, instill a serenity so poised and balanced that my heart lingers in the moment. I close my eyes. The music takes me into another world-a place far, far from here. In an instant...

I like the backstory in the parentheses, and I think it is alright right where you have put it. In fact, it does not have to be in parentheses... but I kind of like it that way.

A chang for the last paragraph:

I am a piano teacher. Though I am only seventeen...

Great job!! You write well, because language is a kind of music.

Undergraduate / 'passion for saxophone' - Additional Information about Myself [3]

Hi,

Lets make this sleek and trimmed by taking out what is unnecessary:

I did not perform as well, academically, as I should have during my early high school years. My focus was on video and computer games instead of studies. Gradually , I became somewhat anti-social. However, my dad's friend who is a professional saxophone player suggested finding a hobby-such as playing saxophone-after listening to my parents' concerns. I started saxophone right away.

I took out some sentences that were unnecessary: I spent most of my free time not studying, but playing games. My attention-interest-was on games and games only.

I like how you connected the saxophone success to your plans for college. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Ready, OK!' - Cheer UC admissions Essay [2]

Lets put these words in quotation marks:

"Ready, Ok!" These are the words...

Also, I corrected this sentence: I was only a high school junior, so I knew little about Down Syndrome, except for the little I had learned in Biology.

Use commas to give the sentences rhythm: Before I knew it, the school year was coming to an end and graduation was around the corner.

Ahh, so now, at the end, I understand that the essay is about your accomplishment: empowering a girl to achieve her goals despite her developmental disability. You can say this in the first paragraph, so that the reader is ready for the story. Then, in the last paragraph, you can suggest that you hope to make similar contributions during your time at this school to which you are applying.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Inspiring Book that Changed My Life (holocausts) [2]

I recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl!!

About this essay, I think you could add one final sentence at the end that will directly answer the question of how the book changed your life. You explained that you agree with it... but you can also explain how it changed you.

I also made some changes to the first paragraph:

One of my favorite literary genres is history, especially stories of Jews and other ethnic and religious groups who have been persecuted. I have read many fiction and non-fiction books about this specific event, and loved every single of them-it shows the victims' effort to retain their faith, to overcome their hardships, and most importantly, to stay alive. In both fiction and non-fiction books, I always identify with the victims, like I am the main character struggling.

Undergraduate / SAIC Personal statement - your personal vision [2]

Hi, what you wrote is all good, but you need to choose carefully what to include in this statement of purpose. Three thoughts are here: Hate my mom, want to show the world through art, and financial difficulty.

In order to make a powerful essay, you need to INTEGRATE them:

I hope to win support in the form of scholarships, because this will enable me to achieve what has seemed impossible. Financial difficulties and unhealthy relationships have thwarted me in my aspirations, but...

When you determine the central truth of the essay, you will come up with a great conclusion.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / help with essay for aboard [4]

Take sentences in the PASSIVE voice, like this one,

"Learning new things has always been one of things I enjoyed doing."

...and make change them to the ACTIVE voice, like this: I have always enjoyed learning new things.

Also, take out unnecessary/unhelpful things like this: (this is my first choice, I might change it).

When you re-write this, you should perhaps take one strong sentence and move it to the beginning. Try revising with this sentence at the beginning: I want to study aboard because it gives a hands on experience, culture, and language. I like that sentence a lot.

Go through it, and try to clarify every sentence, like this: China has a lot of history and traditions because of having existed for such a long time.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - "Abacus, Plastic Coins" [2]

Hello, nice job! I would like to have you add one sentence to the first paragraph:

Right here, add an introductory sentence that sums up the truth of the essay. Residing in a quaint house that sits on a lively suburb are my mother, father, grandmother, and me. Because my dad needs to work to support the household, only my mother and grandmother are here to raise me. Add one more sentence to tell the reader that your early experience with money and numbers inspired you to seek mastery of economics.

With a good foundation paragraph (above), your pleasant writing style will be put to its best use throughout the essay. Them, connect the closing paragraph with something that you mentioned in the opening paragraph. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "No pneumonia" - Common App #6---There are worse things [3]

Wow, nice job. This is a strong essay, especially because it is about something that just happened the other day. You will do well with it, because it is of real interest to the reader. Now, lets put the beginning together like this:

"No pneumonia," the doctor said. "But she does have the flu." I was infuriated. This was not how my Thanksgiving was supposed to go. I was supposed to be in Boca Raton with my family, enjoying a proper meal with turkey and cranberries and green beans and pumpkin pie, traveling to the beach the day after, soaking up the sunshine and maybe seeing Twilight or Quantum of Solace. Instead, I was stuck at home with a hundred-degree fever, unable to even stand on my own.

"It's not fair," I sobbed as my mom helped me into my bed. "It's just not fair." I, of course, had no idea what "not fair" was. (Right here, add a sentence that captures the meaning of the essay)

Take out any unnecessary words and phrases, and send it in! Great essay.

:)

Kevin