EF_Kevin
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / Personal statement- what i would bring to diversity in the Rice community [3]
Hello, you obviously write very well. At this point, the good thing to do is make it more powerful by telling the story in fewer words. Thus, I would edit like this:
I am the eldest of four children born into poor family in Addis Ababa, the crowded capital of Ethiopia. My parents tried to shield me from the fact that we were struggling with money as they tried to keep us safe and, very importantly, in school. My dad was away for months at a time, driving trucks over mine-infested terrain for the military during the Ethiopian-Eritrean War--just to support my family. I began to develop independence over time, because my sister and I were usually left alone or in the care of a neighbor.
I am sure you will be accepted into Rice. Perhaps, you need to remove some sentences and talk more about "what you would bring to the diversity in a college community."
Good luck!!
Kevin
Hello, you obviously write very well. At this point, the good thing to do is make it more powerful by telling the story in fewer words. Thus, I would edit like this:
I am the eldest of four children born into poor family in Addis Ababa, the crowded capital of Ethiopia. My parents tried to shield me from the fact that we were struggling with money as they tried to keep us safe and, very importantly, in school. My dad was away for months at a time, driving trucks over mine-infested terrain for the military during the Ethiopian-Eritrean War--just to support my family. I began to develop independence over time, because my sister and I were usually left alone or in the care of a neighbor.
I am sure you will be accepted into Rice. Perhaps, you need to remove some sentences and talk more about "what you would bring to the diversity in a college community."
Good luck!!
Kevin