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Posts by EF_Kevin
Joined: Nov 28, 2008
Last Post: Oct 8, 2016
Threads: 8
Posts: 13,321  
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From: United States of America

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EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / Personal statement- what i would bring to diversity in the Rice community [3]

Hello, you obviously write very well. At this point, the good thing to do is make it more powerful by telling the story in fewer words. Thus, I would edit like this:

I am the eldest of four children born into poor family in Addis Ababa, the crowded capital of Ethiopia. My parents tried to shield me from the fact that we were struggling with money as they tried to keep us safe and, very importantly, in school. My dad was away for months at a time, driving trucks over mine-infested terrain for the military during the Ethiopian-Eritrean War--just to support my family. I began to develop independence over time, because my sister and I were usually left alone or in the care of a neighbor.

I am sure you will be accepted into Rice. Perhaps, you need to remove some sentences and talk more about "what you would bring to the diversity in a college community."

Good luck!!

Kevin

EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / UC(#2) "Pushed Over the Edge" [3]

Hello, the biggest problem this essay has is keeping the verb tense consistent. I also fixed this sentence:

My mom walks into the living room, calling out my name but I was so fixated on the game, I reluctantly answered.

Change it to: My mom walks into the living room calling out my name, but I am so fixated on the game that it takes me several moments to respond.

You also need to keep the verb tense consistent. Go through this and bring it all into present tense, like this:

As we get closer to the park, the lights from the city slowly begin to fade and the pure essence of nature appears.

These are beautiful sentences. Now, just keep the tense consistent. Near the end, you can switch from the story to reflection, and maybe then you will want to write in the past tense, but generally you should keep the tense consistent. If you have trouble bringing it all into the present tense, bring it all into the past tense: My mom walked into the living room...

Good luck!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / "the experience of mastering Tae Kwon Do" - UC Prompt: Essay 2 [4]

Hi, this is very good! I separated the first paragraph into two... do you like it this way? I also made some minor changes, but it is already very good.

I was very reserved as a child. I never wanted to go out to meet new people or do new things. I was complacent with the things the way things were. I always hung out with the same neighborhood kids I grew up with. It took a lot of effort to get me to say hello to a new classmate, and I'd break out in a cold sweat when approached by a stranger. To say I shied away from the spotlight would be an understatement.

As an eight grade student, I walked past a Tae Kwon Do studio in session. I was taken away by the confidence and intensity of students as they trained in the martial art. Since then, I have won two silver medals in a sparring and form competitions . I have also have received my Black Belt. I never thought that achieving my Black Belt status would bring me such pride; however, my accomplishments in Tae Kwon Do played an instrumental role in shaping the self-assured person I am today.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1, Psychology Major [5]

Oh, I understand your motivation for studying psychology. You experienced adversity as a child, and the psychologists did not really help you. You even found that some were unscrupulous. However, before losing your faith in psychology, you had a meaningful experience of observing a possible behavior disorder. In retrospect, perhaps those illegitimate psychologists from the ear plug program also experience maladies that cause their behavior! In a solid introductory paragraph, you should explain this process that gave rise to your interest in a psych major.

good luck!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / Earthwatch experience.... Personal Statement number 2! [2]

Hello,

I took out some unnecessary words, but you can trim it down much further. Take out the sentences that are least important to you.

I separated the first sentence from the rest. Make it into a paragraph that tells what the essay is about. Then, trim away enough text to make room for a conclusion paragraph, too. You need less description and more reflection.. It is too bad that there is a word limit, because you write very eloquently. Still, you need to trim it down!


Every discovery comes from exploration. Exploration comes from opportunity. It all becomes a growing experience. (now, make this the intro paragraph)

Last November, I applied for the Earthwatch Student Challenge Award Program, after recommendation from Mrs. Bravo, my former science teacher. I was not exactly sure what I was signing myself up for, but I was encouraged by the details of the program. All Earthwatch expedition groups were led by professionals in a field of science, and all accommodations are paid for the Student Challenge Award Program winners. I was hesitant to apply at first, because I did not have a strong background in science, nor had I ever traveled alone and lived with strangers. Mrs. Bravo reassured that it would and become a prospect for my future, and encouraged me to apply . After two months of grueling anticipation, I received an acceptance packet with my planned expedition: Transient Phenomena in Astrophysics.

I had mixed emotions: happy about the feeling of acceptance, scared about meeting seven strangers, confused about astrophysics, anxious about traveling. Although I had inner issues about comfort zone I accepted the award and vowed to myself to astrophysics for two weeks. I left my parents at the security checks, I hoped onto a plane headed towards Los Alamos, New Mexico, crying half of the way.

When I arrived in New Mexico, the seven other strangers from around the country had faces. They became more familiar once we started to eat, hang out, and learn together. The Astrophysicists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the other expedition leaders were down to earth people who shared a passion for decoding the mysteries of space. Their lectures were exciting and enriching. I learned so much. The most elevating experience of the expedition was the late night observing. I explored the sky with my bright eyes and astonishment. There were so many stars! I felt like I have just discovered shiny, everlasting diamonds. They belonged to everyone, and put on display for the whole world to see; that is, if the clouds do not steal them away.

Now add a conclusion
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Poetry / "The things I've said" - a poem about writing [2]

Thanks for posting this! I like it. I hesitate to offer suggestions for change. Some punctuation would be nice, though, to help me know how to read it. Imagine reading it for the first time--where would you need to pause? Use some periods, perhaps, and some semi-colons.

:)

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / "Lung Collapsed" Personal accomplishment UC #2 (THANKS GUYS) [2]

Great essay. You might want to remove the contractions and write the two words ("wasn't," "wouldn't").

Also, use commas to create a nice rhythm: Yes, I was confident about what I knew I could do, but I still had to face that fear every single time in order to do what I loved.

You told a nice story in the second paragraph, and now you should probably add a third paragraph to reflect on how this experience "makes you who you are." You can make room for a third paragraph by taking out some unnecessary words...

Good luck!!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Essays / AP Literature; THESIS STATEMENT & Introduction [4]

What's this, you need to explain why you want to major in literature? Literature is human thought codified in language, written symbols! It is more exciting than anything. I think you should take another look at some of your favorite literature, and write one rhythmic, flowing paragraph. Celebrate literature.

After than, write another beautiful paragraph about your professional aspirations.

Finally, conclude by somehow connecting your favorite literature with your professional aspirations.

Good luck!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Writing Feedback / 'change must come from the top' - written for English CLEP [3]

Hello,

I changed the organization of the paragraphs... try it this way! I added "s" to the end of some words, too. Now, you just need to add a powerful, reflective, concluding sentence to the end of the last paragraph. Good luck!!

Kevin


The education system in the United States has seen better days . Our scores have never been so low compared to the rest of the world. In order to change the system we must first look at the components making up the education system: the teachers and the students. The education profession has become unpopular. Students finishing high school rather study computers or business' professions that are financially and image wise, better. The United States is loosing many of its potential educators.

As for the students, living in the digital age means getting what you want when you want it. The computer with its ever changing games, programs and options causes aggravation to children when entering the classroom. In addition, children's attention span is much shorter making it harder for them to grasp complex ideas. These two variables make it very hard for both teachers and students to cooperate. Government funds must support teachers by raising salaries that will glorify the profession and attract young potential educators. Teachers need to find new ways to handle the short attention span and the students will have to deal with a long school day. This will allow more time to study, help with homework and enrichment in different areas of interest.

The change must come from the top. A government that supports and glorifies education as an important issue will win good teachers and good students that together yield - good education.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 29, 2008
Undergraduate / Cbest exam; Property theft - problem in community essay [5]

Aside from drugs and homicide, property theft has been one of the greatest problems faced by every community. Property theft causes victims property damage and loss. Usually, if there was a robbery in a house, thieves break windows or doors to get in the home which causes property damage. In addition to the damage being done, the theft victim will be at loss; household appliances, jewelry and money are the most common interest of these thieves.

Other homeowners would be very afraid of leaving their home, opting instead to stay home and guard their property.

Trust among my neighbors was compromised when a particular house was robbed.

Some homeowners thought that their next door neighbor might have been the thief with the numerous cases of theft arising. Some next door neighbors would even observe others' movement throughout the neighborhood.

In our community where theft was a problem, concerned homeowners have initiated a program which involves other homeowners and the authorities.

The program was very much successful because there have been fewer occurrences of theft since it was established.

There is no way that property theft will be eradicated , because thieves are everywhere waiting for their next move.

Hi, I switched around the opening sentence and changed a few words. I hope you like some of the changes. Take a look at the paragraphs, one at a time, and see if you like it this way. I moved a few sentences... good luck, sorry for the delay in helping!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / work habits and time management - Common Application Extra Curricular [2]

I took out the opening sentence, because, although it captures a scene from your experience, it does not really fit with the rest of the piece. Try this:

I participated in a research laboratory at SUNY Downstate, and my project involved determining the relationship landmarks had on the goal-choice location made by rats. I thought that working with rats and conducting trials would be fairly easy - little did I know I got more than I bargained for. I had to discuss research ideas with my mentor many times, endure the hostility of the rats, and deal with setbacks. I spent most of my free time reading through textbooks, interpreting data, handling rats, and teaching others proper lab techniques. In the end, not only was I delighted to take part in this project, most importantly I learned how to organize my work habits and time management - something I could use for the rest of my life.

Perhaps you should add a sentence that mentions the school/program for which you are applying. Good luck!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Double-major in music / Political science major - Emory and Duke essays [2]

I like the forthright way you explained how Emory became a point of reference after having been the first you visited. Try to find one more strength that their program has to offer... one more supporting fact.

For Duke, try saying the same things with fewer words, and then using the extra space to celebrate the school some more. For example, Instead of "I am interested in pursuing a major in political science when I attend college," just write, "I am interested in a political science major, and Duke offers..."

Find the names of two faculty members that will be important for you in your chosen programs.

good luck!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / to give myself to the world - does this essay fit the prompt? [2]

Great essay! It is more entertaining than most essays.

Try not to start sentences with articles (i.e "and," "but," "or").

Try to say the same things with fewer words... but do not lose any of your cool, rhythmic style!

Take out the contractions, like "I'm" and write out the two words.

This is quite a strong essay. Good luck putting your anger to good use!

:)

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - "I was a loaded spring" [11]

Ah, you start and end with mention of your wild side. Very good stuff. Can you give an introductory sentence that captures the whole truth of the essay?

Good luck making it shorter. All your sentences are very nice, but you'll have to kill some to meet their requirement. Say the same things in fewer words!

Good luck!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / The irrevocable statement of John Hersey "success starts with a failure" is locomotion of achievers. [12]

Try it this way, and see if you like it. I took out one sentence that did not make sense:
"Even a journey can never start with a first step."

See if you like it this way:

Just as I began high school, everyone was speaking English, which was like Greek to me. I could not express myself; the situation was like that of the historic people of the tower of barbell where language originated. Not only that, the word "Ma" always scared me, coming to think of the full word Math. The study of math was really a daunting task for me. Algebra and Geometry were torns in my flesh. I was laughed and scorned by most of the teachers and students in my school. My name became the topic of the day and rumors like, where is he from? Why was he even admitted, was the rumors circulating in the school. I received several advices from peers and teachers to quit.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

I understood these requirements, but growing up the responsibilities became less banal than what might be the case for a normal teenager.

Now my perception of a normal teenage life has changed because I'm living it, my assumption of parent responsibilities were cliched abstracts, but what I am living is real.

I made some changes above, for your consideration. Good luck!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / College community experience & diversity - Common App Prompt 5 question [2]

Here is a good trick. Take a story that requires 2 paragraphs to tell, and try to tell it in two sentences. Try to cover everything in two sentences, and you will see that you get two VERY strong sentences.

After that, continue by explaining what you will "bring" to the college community.

How long did the instructions say this is supposed to be? It is usually okay to go a little bit over the maximum number of words, but not too much. Good luck! Write with rhythm.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

Oh, I apologize... I see that it is supposed to be fewer than 150 words. It is about 170 words right now. So, you have to "kill one of your darlings." That is what Stephen King calls it when he has to take out sentences.

Good luck chopping it down to size!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

Just for fun, I'll try taking out lots of adverbs and adjectives. Doing that makes your paper very powerful. I'll also divide up the paragraphs for you to add to, as you become inspired again now:

... he flashes his completed worksheet at me and exclaims his ...

... learning how to instruct with patience and compassion.
... the intricate learning process undergone by each of the students I tutor.

Nice job. Add a sentence to the end... a sentence that wraps up the whole truth of the essay.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Writing Feedback / Members of a group can learn from each other, and it will help compensate one's weaknesses. [3]

At the start of the essay, you might want to list the main points you will make.

Also, spend a paragraph acknowledging the arguments AGAINST group work. For example, everyone in a group might shirk responsibility and leave it all up to one member to do the work.

Another reason group work is preferable is that errors can be avoided if everybody helps to ensure accuracy.

If you search for key words with Google Scholar, you can find a good article to support each point you make. Mention research studies that support each of your ideas. You'll need 3 or 4 of them.

Good luck!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Late Show style Personal Statement [5]

If you want to use this format, perhaps you should prepare the reader with an introductory paragraph. In my own opinion, I think you should try to convey the same story in normal, paragraph form. You are very creative, and the reader will know that about you no matter what form you choose.

Here are some suggestions:

Opening my eyes, I can still hear the clapping----oh, it is heavily raining outside---a blade of lightning lacerates stifling clouds with roaring thunderclap. But I am thrilled. A new dawn is on the horizon, and so is my dream, in which I fervently believe.

In the postscript, remove this phrase: Unlike probably most Chinese students or possibly even students in your college. Instead, just write:

I am not interested by college as a means to make more money in my career. I want to go to college so that I am prepared to go out into life fully prepared and equipped so that I can make my contributions to society supported by a sound education. That is why I want to go to college and that is why I am asking you to view my whole application with open minds and open hearts. From my side I can give you my fullest assurances that I will make your college more colorful and proud to have had me as a student, proud to have me as an alumni.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay about selecting the course. [6]

Your paragraphs are very short, so that leaves room to cite a good source at the end of each. Find an article about intrinsic motivation as it is enhanced by student choice, and refer to that article at the end of the paragraph about intrinsic motivation. Then, find an article about skill development as it is enhanced by student choice, and refer to that article at the end of the paragraph about skill development.

By citing good research studies and scholarly articles, you make it a strong paper. It is easy to find good articles by using Google Scholar.

Also, add two sentences to the end of the first paragraph to tell something specific about intrinsic motivation and something specific about skill development.

Good luck!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / The fundamental ideas of economics are rooted in the everyday decisions of the common people [7]

No, the essay is not bad at all!

Here are some things to change:

Start by stating your intended major, and no one can accuse you of not answering the question clearly.

My observations in their businesses have always lead me to ask myself why some businesses thrive and succeed while others stagnate and fail.

Challenge yourself with paragraph 2: convey the same story in half the words.

Perhaps you should take the first paragraph and make put it at the end, as the conclusion. Then, add a new intro paragraph stating your intended major and capturing the life lessons that make you interested in that major.

Good luck!!! Show them that you are a methodical thinker by the way you write!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Misreading the topic? - UC prompt 1 [4]

Maybe you should change this sentence:

Unity in diversity is what the government advocates, so this has been entrenched in us since we were young.

Oh, I am going to give you the same advice I just gave to another member: Read each paragraph and write a sentence that captures the meaning of the paragraph... and tack it onto the beginning of that paragraph. This is how to make strong topic sentences that help the reader follow along.

By using topic sentences, you will really be able to know what you are writing about. What is it that you are writing about, this story of your past? What is your story ABOUT? You certainly have an interesting life.

First, tell the reader the moral of the story in a good intro paragraph.
Second, add good topic sentences to the beginning of each paragraph.
Third, take out unnecessary words and shorten sentences to make it more powerful.

GOOD LUCK!!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Essays / essay about the nature of estrangement [4]

Hello! Does this involve the Nature vs. Nurture question? If so, type nature vs. nurture into Google. Also, you can find articles about it by using Google scholar.

Do you mean child development?

If so, you might want to do an Internet search for "child development" and "Nature" and "Nurture." See what other people have written about the influence of nature (i.e. the environment) on development.

Good luck!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 "Living life with no regrets" [3]

I do not remember exactly what he said, but the main point of his speech was that the graduates had been given an opportunity of a lifetime and that they had seized it and made the most of it.

You should not use contractions (i.e. "don't"), but instead write out the two words.

I really like the way you concluded this.

To make it better, try doing this: read each paragraph, and try to write one sentence that captures the meaning of the paragraph. Tack that sentence onto the beginning of each paragraph. After that, go through and try to shorten the whole thing by writing each sentence with fewer words; only shorten sentences when it will make the essay better, more powerful, packing a stronger punch.

Good luck!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Letters / Knows the goal and how to achieve it; Letter of Recommendation from Chemistry teacher [6]

You can clarify to convey the idea that she did indeed excel and show enthusiasm:

What impresses me most about ABC was neither her excelling at academic achievement nor an overly/excessive enthusiasm on the lessons (although these are two of her important strengths), but rather her continuous effort to fulfill the goals.

This is a nice letter of recommendation,

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / "I entered China as a typical spoiled American teenager" -UC Prompt 2 [3]

We were among a group of thirty-three Americans who volunteered to travel deep into the rural parts of China and teach English to underprivileged tribal children.

I was assigned to a class of students about to enter their first year of junior high school . In the beginning it was awkward and no one talked or volunteered. In fact I later learned my students had initially believed that I was Mexican due to my dark skin tone and were shocked when I was able to pronounce Chinese fluently.

As cliché as it sounds, I learned more from my students than they will ever know. My students' determination to excel without regard for how their community has treated them awakened something within me. ... I entered China as a typical spoiled American teenager, and was able to leave as a mature adult , who achieved a clearer view of the world she lives in.

Now, you will have to choose some sentences to take out. If it exceeds the word count, you need to delete some. This always makes essays more powerful, anyway. You can delete the part about CAUTION signs on the street... and choose a few other superfluous sentences as well.

I did not find any explanation of what was being resolved on the basketball court. Perhaps you can delete that first paragraph, and start with:

I was one of thirty-three Americans who volunteered to travel deep into the rural parts of China to teach English to underprivileged tribal children. We entered the village of Yuan-Yang after a seven hour bus ride from Kunming, China.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / The love for politics was planted in me at a young age but did not have the opportunity to sprout [10]

Good luck!!

A love of politics was planted in me at a young age, but it d id not have the opportunity to sprout. It was not until a few years after that memorable event, that this passion began to develop. Following my freshman year at L'amoureaux Collegiate, I found myself no longer situated in a familiar environment. I had immigrated to a foreign-yet not so foreign-country: the United States.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Writing Feedback / "the Tenth Man" - Simple Essay [2]

Good questions! Are you using APA or MLA? If it is MLA, you don't need to use commas... Just write (Williams et al. 55)

Take out the comma after Williams, too, like this: "Women were given the right to vote in 1945 by de Gaulle's short-lived postwar government" (Williams et al. 55).

For this one, just take out that comma in the parenthetical reference: In the book the sister of the deceased Janvier says, "I couldn't turn him out without so much as a piece of bread" (Greene 120).

I ALSO SUGGEST THAT YOU get the titles of online articles to use instead of putting a link in th in text citation. Or, you can use the name of the organization. For example, I followed your linkb holocaustresearchproject and found that it was written by the Holocaust Education & Archive Research Team (HEART). You can put that name in parentheses, and on subsequent instances of it you can put HEART. For example, The prisoners were also executed using a gas chamber, through strenuous work, or through poor nutrition to provide specimens for medical schools (HEART).

And the last thing I'll say is that you are punctuating correctly. The quotation mark omes first, then the parenthetical reference, and then the period. However, if it is a question mark or an exclamation mark, the punctuation goes inside the quotes! So, there is an exception to that rule...

Good luck!!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Cape Verde, West Africa - 250 words for personal essay [2]

Great story, I hope you have lots of success!! See how I separated the paragraphs differently... now it is 3 paragraphs:

When my family first arrived in this country from Cape Verde, West Africa, I was only 10 years old. My father left us when I was 8, leaving my mother to raise five kids single handedly. We faced many obstacles as a family; we knew little to no English, money was a problem and many of my siblings had difficulties adjusting to the new culture. Still, I knew early on that I was going to overcome all the problems we faced and somehow learn to succeed. Growing up in a family where no one has succeeded beyond high school, it has always been my motivation to be the first member of my family to attend college.

Reflecting now on those struggles, I can see more clearly the effects those dynamic years have had. Life, I have learned, is a cause-and-effect relationship. It involves taking chances and risking security in hopes of stumbling upon something great. I have come to gracefully accept life's challenges with an open mind, and though at times unsure of my options, I remain confident and keep believing.

In dedicating myself to my family and school, I have set goals that I will do anything to accomplish. I am an extremely determined individual, and your university will help me take the next step in climbing the ladder of success. I strongly believe that I deserve a chance to be the first in my family to go to college, and I hope to influence make a meaningful contribution at [name of school].
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / I am shedding tears - UC Prompt #1 Essay [5]

How about adding a strong intro sentence that tells the reader the THEME of what you are about to write? It seems that your theme involves coming to know yourself through knowing nations. You seek to understand the world, so that you can understand yourself.

Also, fix this:
As of young, I've always been questioned of my identity. Try this: Even at a young age, I often questioned my identity...
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Admission Essay (Boston University) - its environment attracts me [5]

Just a few months ago, I discovered the significance of Boston University for my academic future. One of the school's representatives came to Massapequa High School for a private meeting, and I took away critical information on that day. Now write about the most important factors that make BU better than other schools, which will be the focus of this essay.

What attracts me to Boston University is its environment: The school has an atmosphere of relaxed focus. Coming from Massapequa (a small town on Long Island) I knew that I wanted to go to school in a largely populated area. As the representative started to talk about the school I discovered that University offers many different majors that aren't commonly found. Students are given great opportunities for interning not only domestically but internationally as well. The opportunity for interning for top companies will allow me to experience the work environment while still continuing my studies.

Studying in the heart of Boston and just a couple of hours away from New York City will allow me to occasionally travel home but also allow me to experience the culturally diverse city. With numerous advantages for students to travel, the study abroad program will offer me the multi-cultured experience that I always dreamt of being apart and that the other universities couldn't offer. Academically the school is ranked as one of the nation's top schools, which is an important factor in the decision-making process.

I separated the paragraphs a little. Now, keep a clear idea about the purpose of each paragraph, and finish it up. Good luck!

:)

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / "martial artist" - UC prompt help??? [4]

This is a nice essay. I would like to mention that Dr. Yang Jwing Ming has important things to teach about the internal arts and Chi Kung! Look for him on the Internet.

:)

Now, to improve your essay, look at each paragraph and try to convey the same messages in fewer words.

Change this: after doing kung fu for more than five years...

Now, look again at this question: What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Perhaps, you can intrigue the reader by writing about the universally applicable principles you learned in Kung Fu: decisiveness, fluidity, rhythm, power. You can write this essay with rhythm that is powerful, too. Write one, powerful, rhythmic sentence that encompasses the way that your training has affected who you have become. What does it mean? What did this experience of empowerment mean?

Good luck!!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Jean Paul [2]

He might not have been the best coach when it came to tactics or teaching us how to play as a team, but he had been the best coach in my life that deep-rooted my passion for soccer and demolished the barrier against the new society.

Good, now take another look at the question: What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Now, try to find three sentences that are not necessary, and delete them. Doing that always makes an essay more powerful. After that, add a paragraph to DIRECTLY answer the question What about this makes you proud, makes you who you are?

Even if you don't make any change at all, it is already a great essay!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / "Imagine" by John Lennon; UC Promt 1- Morality Class [2]

This is a powerful essay! As soeone who grew up hearing Imagine and other important Beatles music, it intrigues me to think of someone growing up in Korea and hearing it translated into English as part of a morality class.

I found no mistakes, but I would like to change the beginning:

In 2003, when the U.S. troops had just invaded Iraq, I was taking a Morality class in Seoul, Korea. My teacher, Jung Yongmin, entered one day in his typical hippie clothing: ragged sandals, faded pants, and a T-shirt stretched out at the neck. Although he was known for his eccentric personality and style, the way he dressed actually made him look like a man of simplicity and peace. That day, he carried an old and unshapely audiocassette player and once the classroom grew quiet, he asked if anybody had listened to the song "Imagine" by John Lennon. I remained silent, because I had not. However, within an hour, that song taught me a totally new philosophy that has since shaped my views on problems around the world.

Mr. Jung began the class by showing us a slideshow of the atrocities suffered by the Iraqi civilians. I was horrified- and yet it still seemed so far away. After showing us the pictures, Mr. Jung placed the audiocassette player on the table in the middle of the classroom and pressed the play button. As the song "Imagine" came through the speakers, he started to sing along and dance around the classroom, gesticulating like an R&B singer and moving his body with the peaceful melody of the song. The slide show projected the translated lyrics so I was able to read along with the song, and the meaning of each line combined with the melody, moved me profoundly; "Imagine" became the first song I memorized in English.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Best Architectural programs in the nation;Carneige Mellon- Major/Department/Program [4]

I found a little mistake here:

Since these days, I have dreamed to be an architect, an artist who visualizes, designs, and implements ideas in the largest scale in order to create a collective whole that is a powerful presence.

About the length, i see that this is actually more than a page and a half doublespaced, so it is too long!

You need to find about 5 different articles about the school's architecture program and see what makes it an attractive school for certain students. What unique strengths does the program have? There must be something! You might want to ask a current student, someone already attending. When you show that you are aware of their program's strong points, it shows that you understand the question, and that you are a serious learner.

This essay is nice, but the instructions for this essay are very specific. Now, in one page, you have room for only about 12 or 15 sentences, so make each of them count. Write one paragraph all about their program, and mention the names of faculty members.

Good luck!
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / "My family guides and supports me" - UC personal statement [7]

Very nice essay!

Lets just fix this last part:

As I continue to walk the long, meandering path that is my life, I will look towards the horizon and head for the highest peak I see--where my dreams lie. I will trek to the summit without fear or hesitation, with my family's vital guidance empowering me to set foot on that summit, and realize my dreams.

How does that sound? I got rid of one comma, changed some words, and threw a period on the end.
EF_Kevin   
Nov 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Springfield College Physician's Assistance Addmission Essay [2]

Within your essay, I think that "physician's assistant" should not be capitalized, because it is not a proper noun in that context. However, when talking about it as the name of a program at Springfield College, it is a proper noun.

Fix the sentence that includes: "and I believe that I should use them to do make a positive difference" ... fix it by taking out the word "do." I see that it is just a typo...

How do you feel about rearranging the sentences in the second paragraph?

Because my parents separated when I was young, I have had to do a lot for myself and my younger siblings from an early age. This independence will help me to the clear first obstacle in the way of my goal of becoming a PA; the difficulty of college work. In any medical field there is much that cannot be taught. One needs to possess intelligence, empathy, and wherewithal. These traits are part of who I am, regardless of what I do, and I believe that I should use them to do make a positive difference in the lives of others.

Get rid of the word "however" in this third paragraph:
... has not been without challenges. In times of high stress and urgency I am able to

I think you should use these 3 paragraphs as the BODY of the essay, and add 1 paragraph to the beginning and 1 paragraph to the end, for a total of 5.

You need to form one powerful sentence that tells what led you to select Physician's Assistance, and another powerful sentence that tells about some of the strong points of Springfield Colleges program. Let these two sentences be the basis for the first paragraph. For the last paragraph, restate the first paragraph in different words. Good luck!!

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