Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I hope to learn new things from your great information. I welcome you in advance :)

Writing Feedback / 'The Kitchen' - IELTS, Neighbours complain [2]


You stated this before explaining the reason of the noise. I think you should mention this after the explanation of the reason.

I amwas trying to refit and redecorate my kitchen

It would be better to avoid starting a sentence with "but".

because you knowof my duty time which is starts at 9 Am and enduntil late evening

I thankthought it canwill be finishedwithin a couple of daysover two or three days
but it took longer than what I expected,

I'll callhire athe professional buildercraftsman to do itthat

sotherefore he would not disturb your nightyou at night ...

It would be better to apologize again at the end of the letter.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS task .Expaining why you want to take IELTS exam [10]

When I was a child
I founded
the modern equipments for the international students
a medicine facultyies


I think it would be better to change the arrangement of this sentence. Firstly, you should mention that taking the IELTS test is an obligation for overseas students, and then write about the fact that in the most of the universities of Australia the required band score is 6.5.

Second, When I learn for the IELTS exam in internet and in ILA, my skill is improved very much, my vocabulary is much more than the past ---->Secondly, as I started preparing for the IELTS test, my English proficiency improved compared to the past.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'reports on vicious crime attract a lot of viewers' - IELTS2 Essay [5]

Hi rt2012. Actually this topic was the topic of my IELTS test that I took on 12th of May. I have a suggestion for the introduction.

The topic is an "agree or disagree" type. In the introduction of this kind of topic you should clearly mention that you agree/disagree with the topic, as well as u should briefly state the reasons of your opinion.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'Scientists renew people daily life' - IELTS [5]

Hi, I really enjoyed the essay as I read it because of fascinating words and ideas which were employed throughout the text. I just have some suggestions for improving the essay.

people's daily life

artists endeavor into create a better tomorrow tooas well

exclusive nutrientbenefits/advantages .


You stated this sentence in the introduction. Try to reword it and avoid any repetition.

because isit was generally believed

art can cultivatesa more relaxed feeling and it is also a positive approach to life.


U wrote this sentence in the introduction (Repetition)

as the individualsgain knowledge gain , imagination fades quickly.


This sentence is a little vague. "Imagination individuals???". What do you mean????????

, and in what language people speak.

melody in thea singer's music ---> or u can say :"the melody and rhythm of a song"

expression onof an actor's playor actress

Art is the one of the best topics

from different parts of the world.

Start a conclusion with a term like "To sum up", "in conclusion", etc, to distinguish the final paragraph.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: "Reasons to work other than earning money" [9]

Hi, Ana your essay is too long (559 words). You should consider the time limitation and you should know that the number of mistakes rises up as the length of an essay increases. You should allocate a part of the test's time for reviewing your work.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Hi, Just one small thing:

I stared out into the pre-dawn darkness and I cancould see the statue (In the last sentence you mentioned "It was 4 AM ...). So, u should use past tens instead of present one)

Nice work :)

Regards
Ahmad

Research Papers / 'Cloud computing' - research topics suggestions? [8]

If you are a student the university that you are studying in, will pay for IEEE articles. But, if you are not a student you should pay the fee of each paper by credit card. U can find some IEEE article in the website "IEEE.org". I am sorry, there is no way to get articles without any donation :)

Letters / 'student of computer and programming' - IELTS 1, A letter to my tutor [2]

Hi,
The essay consists of 145 words, while it should include at least 150 words. This fact may drastically decrease your mark.

This is a letter to your tutor. So, I think you should replace Mr/Madam with the surname of your tutor. I know that this is not a real situation but in the IELTS writing you can lie and you can use a fictional name :).

I have enrolled in your history class...


Finding a job is not a bad event. I think it is not necessary to start the paragraph with this word. You can use the word "However",

I found a full time job with a good salary in the citythat I need to work onfrom Saturday to Monday . In addition, the work starts at 8 AM toand finishes at 3 PM. . (Sometimes, it is better to explain your idea in more than one sentence to make it more clear).

so thatThe work/It can help me to pay the university tuition fee in time


All this paragraph is just one sentence. Break it down to several parts as I told you above.


Do not start a sentence with "Because".

Because of your reputation and my insisting to attend your class and do not miss any of it(as a suggestion u can use this sentence:" As the history course is one of my favourite subjects and I do not want to lose the chance for attending your exceptional class" , I am writing to ask...

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon

Regards
Ahmad

Grammar, Usage / A question about the term "in a nutshell"? [3]

I think the term is informal, because we cannot ignore Longman dictionary which is one of the best dictionaries. But, there is still this question that why some academics use this phrase in their articles????

Writing Feedback / Globalization leads to cultures identity loss? [5]

Hi,

My name is Ahmad. Please feel free call me Ahmad :)
If you want to be successful in the test, you should pay more attention to the organization of an essay. This issue is even more important than vocabulary or grammar. What I told you was the thing that I learned from my perfect teacher, who was a native English speaker, and my sister, who is an expert in this field. Any way, you should decide to choose a way for writing an essay, your style or what I told you.

Good luck
Ahmad

Dissertations / Master's degree thesis - Scientific methods for conservation of cultural heritage [2]

Hi,

I think you should also explain the standard condition in more detail.

dried into a stove at the temperature of 60°C

cooled into drier with blue silica gel. --> u should mention the rate of cooling. For this purpose you can add an adverb such as "rapidly" or "gradually" to the sentence.

The choice of this temperature is owed to need to do not cause alterations of materials used for treatments on the samples. --> this sentence is confusing. I suggest u this one :"This temperature was chosen because through which the materials' xxxx properties (mention which properties. eg . chemical and physical) used for treating the samples could keep intact."

After drying process, samples were weighed to obtain their initial dry weight and were put into labelled beakersthereafter. .

Distilled water was slowly poured slowly into the beakers until the specimens were completely immersed and covered ofwith water.

Specimens were removed from water and wiped out any traces of water with damp cloth and then weighed again.

After eachthe measurement of weight, samples were immersed again into water and weighedagain.and tT he weighing procedure was repeated untilso thatreaching of constantthe masses of the samples remained constant .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS - national consumer expenditure on different goods in 5 different countries in 2002 [2]

Hi,

In the introduction you should state that how many items were investigated.

At the end of the introduction you should add the general trend of the table.

Note: In writing you should write the numbers below 10 in words (Five instead of 5).

The year stated in the topic is "2002". So, the required tens is "past simple".

In the writing task 1, you should not just write about the maximum and minimum points. You should compare different results and data. The comparison should not limit to the highest and the lowest pints, but it may also encompass the similar results.

If I were you, I would allocate each paragraph for comparing different countries spending on a specific item. In this way, a reader could easily follow the essay.

For more information about the IELTS writing task 1, I strongly recommend you to study the book entitled "Preparation and Practice-Reading and Writing (Academic Module)" by : Wendy Sahanaya, Jeremy Lindeck, and Richard Stewart.

Regards
Ahmad

Grammar, Usage / Doubts about expression: "going to the cinema" [5]

Hi,
I always spend my free time going to the cinema with my friends going to the cinema.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Globalization leads to cultures identity loss? [5]


Do not copy the topic, you should reword it. In addition, the term "lead to" was repeated two times in one row. Try to use other terms such as "steer to", "contribute to", etc.


I would like to draw your attention to the last part of the topic : "To what extend do you agree or disagree"
This topic is an "agree or disagree" type. You should state that you agree with the topic or not. Then in the body you should support your opinion (agree or disagree) through three paragraphs. At the boy, you discussed two opposite viewpoints. This is very wrong!!!!!!. The topic did not ask you to discuss two viewpoints, but it asked your own opinion.

The structure of this type of topic should be like what I wrote below:
1) Introduction (Motivator, Reword topic, State your opinion. Not: You should choose one, either agree or disagree. Do no do both as you are not going to discuss or compare two views. )

2) Body (Three paragraphs. In each paragraph try to write about an idea which shows why you agree or disagree with the topic)

3) conclusion: (Restate the topic or introduction, and then write an ending statement called "clincher")

I did not read the rest of the essay, because you should completely change the structure of the essay. Be careful about the true organization of different types of topics.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL(Physical exercise is more important for older people than for younger people) [4]

Hi, I would be happy if I could help you. Do not be disappointed, I am sure that you can get a good score in the TOEFL test.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'leading enviable lives to have a deeper education' [4]

Hi
I think you should improve the words using in an essay, because lexical resource is one of the main criteria for scoring an essay. Secondly, you should increase your information about the organization of an essay and the structure of a paragraph.

I think this essay would get the band score of 5.5 to 6, not more.
Before rewording the topic in the introduction, you should open the first paragraph with a motivator.


All this is just one sentence!!! it is too long.

Each paragraph should open with an appropriate topic sentence and then support the topic statement with some examples and descriptions. Do not mix the topic sentence and supports as one sentence.

working in the same companies throughout entiretheir lives.

the world undergoes a transformation, which put an end to thosetransition from those traditional thought s and new life styles

As workers jump ships(this is an informal term. Do not use it in an essay) more frequently

more companies directing their budgets tokeep the money used to train freshinexperienced workers, which acts as a catalyst for a change in job markets

The third paragraph is revolving around job rather than education. I think you a little deviated form the topic.

Make the supports stronger with providing some examples.


In this paragraph you should expand your own idea. Moreover, this part of the essay has no support. Be careful about the structures of the paragraphs and essay.


This sentence is too short as a conclusion. At the first part of a conclusion you should restate the topic or first paragraph and then write an ending statement called "clincher".

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: machine made goods are cheaper and more durable than handmade ones [7]

Hi, I mean the body should include three paragraphs. Yes, you should add another idea as the fourth paragraph.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: machine made goods are cheaper and more durable than handmade ones [7]

They did not use any types of technology or any machines for thisdoing their works
All workscan bewere done (or conducted) by hand like ("such as" is a better term here instead of "like", in the process of making furniture, through which they have to cut the wood, shaped it, fixed it and then polished it ( If I were you, I would write the sentence like this: "cutting, shaping, fixing and polishing wood were sequentially conducted through the process")

As the number ofworkforceworkers increases , price of the product can also increasesrise up (use synonym) and. therefore,price of handmade items may become moreare costly than machine made goods.

As I told you previously, try to support your ideas at three separate paragraphs

I would prefer to choose items made by machines rather than handmade ones

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'Some people ignore the importance of history' - IELTS essay [5]

Hi,
I think the structure of the essay is not appropriate, and u could not cover all parts of the topic. The topic asked u to discuss two opposite viewpoints. Therefor, you should write about the first and second views as the second and third paragraphs, respectively. At the fourth paragraph u should expand your own idea. Finally, write a conclusion.

Vocabulary and grammar of the essay looks fine, but the score of the essay cannot be higher than 5.5 because of a wrong organization.

Before rewording the topic in the introduction, you need to open the first paragraph with a motivator or thesis statement to attract attention of a reader.


You opened a paragraph with an example!!! this is wrong. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence.

When American troops released

many countries abandoned their plan of making nuclear weapon asresulting in their sawobservation of the history

The two last paragraphs can be considered as conclusions. I could not find out which one is a conclusion. You should, start a conclusion with a term like "in conclusion", to distinguish the final paragraph of an essay. In addition, in a conclusion, you should restate the topic or the first paragraph and then write an ending statement.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Should artists be given total freedom? [4]

Hi,
The positive points of the essay were the use of strong words and complex sentences. Grammar was also good. I have some suggestions that u can find them below:

world-renowned artist


You should briefly mention why you think like that.

each citizenindividuals/citizens in a society have the right to express their own opinions

statements or messages could be conveyed to viewersothers

Also artists are a parts of the society and, thus, they cannotnot be an exception

The idea in the second paragraph is good, but you should add some examples to make your idea more clear. For example, you can talk about the effects of artists and their works on the social behavior of people, especially young people. For another example, you can state that how movies can influence the social values and cultural norms of a society.


The topic is about the art works not the life styles of artists.


This sentence is too long. Break it down to several parts.

In the third paragraph u also mentioned good ideas with good examples. However, I think you should delete the first two lines, because you just want to state that the freedom of artists through their works should be controlled. Thus, the last lines of the paragraph are enough to support this opinion.

In the type of "agree or disagree" you should support your opinion under three paragraphs. Of course, two paragraphs in the body is fine, but it is not perfect. Try to add the third paragraph in the body:)

Hope the comments help

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Natural energy sources are limited, and cannot be replenished - alternative sources are important [2]

there is an alarming issue that nowadays governments, at present, are too reliant on gas, oil, coalfossil fuels.

The burning of these carbon-based fuels is causingleads to the emission of high-scale greenhouse gasesemissionsuch as carbon dioxide (stating an example can make the support stronger) which, in fact, is the main reason of global warming effects .

accidents in efforts of transporting these sources may lead to a serious environmental pollution to environment

Oil spill pollution in sea water has caused thousands of ...

While sun or wind isare clean and everlasting sources of energy and it doesthey do not not pollute the environment

Each paragraph should have a conclusion. Add an statement as a conclusion at the end of second paragraph in the body.

Although they are sold at affordable price at presents , thereprice is consistently climbing

The body should include at least three paragraphs.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; House OR Business? I would purchase a house if I have money [2]

It is easy to spend it but makeing money is too difficult,
say what'swhich one is better,
we should exactly estimate ourthe possibilitiesyand various facets of the issue
there aren't risks of losinge money
then sell it out
if we purchase a business


when I read this sentence, I though You are going to say that you prefer business rather than house. I think this part should be revised. For example you could say :"Although setting a business may provide more income, but I prefer to have a house rather than a business."

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL(Physical exercise is more important for older people than for younger people) [4]

Hi
I think you should be more careful about the coherency of sentences. Make your supports stronger and just focus on what you state in the topic sentence of each paragraph. In some paragraphs you stated many different matters which confused me. Finally, try to support your opinion in three paragraphs. This essay has two paragraphs as the body

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about CDs or DVDs in the libraries [6]

You should not copy the topic, but also you must restate it. The structure of an introduction for this type of the topic should be like what I wrote below:

1. Motivator/thesis statement: Write a sentence to attract the attention of a reader (this can be one of the following statements :"attractive question", "quotation", "description", "an attractive event or fact", etc

2. Reword the topic. In this way you can show that the essay is going to focus on what.
3. Give your own opinion (agree and disagree). You should briefly mention the reasons why you agree or disagree with the topic.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about CDs or DVDs in the libraries [6]

Which sentence do you mean???!!!! I could not get it

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about CDs or DVDs in the libraries [6]

Hi,

I start with the introduction. In this part u could not convey the main idea of the topic and it is a little vague. U should say which type of debate has created among people and why? In addition this essay is an "agree or disagree" type not "advantages and disadvantages". U should apparently mention your own idea in the introduction (agree or disagree). So, the use of "pros and cons " in this essay is not suitable.


stating agree or disagree in the body is not a good choice. You should state that in the introduction and then in the body support your opinion through at least three paragraphs.

In "agree or disagree" type u should choose one side (agree or disagree), do not do both, and try to support the opinion in three paragraphs

The third paragraph is too short and the supports are not adequate. Furthermore, in this paragraph you wrote some ideas that you previously mentioned in the second paragraph (do not repeat yourself)


This sentence shows that u confused the topic with this one "Do you think the advantages of the statement outweigh the disadvantages?".

Be careful about the types of topics. I hope the comments be useful
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Hat culture in Britain essay. [5]

Hi, If it is an article, putting some pictures is OK and it helps readers to become familiar with hats, but in an essay it is not common to insert the picture of somethings (in this case the pictures of the hats)

Writing Feedback / 'Exercising indoors or outdoors?' -TOEFL essay review [2]

Hi,
The essay has only one paragraph at the body. A body should involve at least three paragraphs. I think you should improve the structure of the essay at the first step. The topic asks to discuss two viewpoints and compare them. So, the structure that I wrote below, can be an appropriate one for writing about such topic:

1) Introduction:Motivator+restate the topic+blueprint
2) Body (consists of three paragraphs: a) discuss the first viewpoint, b)discuss the second viewpoint, and c) compare the views and give your opinion. You should also mention that you agree with which one)

3) conclusion (Reword the first paragraph or the topic and then write an ending statement

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Hat culture in Britain essay. [5]

Hi,
There are interesting information in this essay. Thank u for this great information.

Not onlyBeside Royal hats and Bowler hat, there are also baker boy cap, top hats, boaters, deerstalkers and countless ladies creations which have been worn by Royal family and commoners alike through the centuries.

In conclusion, u can restate the topic at first and then write an ending statement. For instance: "In summary, one of the interesting features of the culture of England is various types of hat. Different factors have affected this aspect of British culture such as the attitude of Royal Family toward the issue, which could make the "Hat" as a symbol of the UK.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Computer is an electronic device made by the humans for the welfare of human being. [4]

Hi,
There are several important points that you should consider. 1) Each paragraph has three main parts: "topic sentence", "body or supports" and conclusion. The paragraphs of this essay have no conclusion. 2) Use transitional words and phrases for connecting sentences. 3) Repetition is apparently observed in the essay, 4) Use stronger vocabulary and complex sentences. 5) Finally, there were some defects with regard to the structure of the essay that I mentioned them at the text below.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: machine made goods are cheaper and more durable than handmade ones [7]

This essay has only one paragraph at the body. If you write like this, you will lose mark. Try to support your opinion through three paragraphs. For example, you could expand your opinion about durability and appearance of items in two separate paragraphs

Finally, I believe that items which are made by machines have a long life than items made by hand plus these are cheaper and stronger. Mainly it saves our time and energy. So I would prefer to choose items made by machines.

Undergraduate / Study objectives (project management and business engineering) [4]

for thean effective and successful management of a business unit

from California State University San Bernardino.I could encounter an excellent academic experience thathas given me in addition to the finance coursework, which has given me a firm background of the fundamentals in management. (u can also use "managerial principals" instead the green term.

from different political and economical perspectives

The economy in my home country, Tunisia, after the revolution ishas facinged a constantly changing environment which has influencesed the behavior of business and it has also enablesed significant transformations

, thus the need tofor being able to quickly and accurately adapt quickly and accurately to the changingable political and economical regulations...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Advantages and disadvantages of sports. [8]

Hi,
My opinion about opening the first paragraph (introduction) with a question is in contrast to others. Each introduction should be started with a motivator . There are different types of motivators that a question is one of them . But, you should know that the question must be attractive, and in the most of the times it is too difficult to propound such question. If you think you are able to ask an alluring question at the beginning of the introduction, I recommend it to you.

What I stated above was a thing that I learned from my teacher, who was an native English-speaker, and my sister, who has got an MA degree in Applied Linguistic.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Eating home-made food is better than eating out in restaurants or food stands [3]

Hi,
I think you should work on vocabulary. In addition, you should try to use complex sentences. All the sentences that u used were simple and too short, and you may lose mark because of that. Another significant point is that you should write an essay by passive sentences.

A lot of house wives work or participate theirin different social activities.
Depends on situation
...because of following reasons; it can make meits positive effects on the issues such as health states and economic conditions of individuals.healthier and I can save my money and time.

I prefer to eat home because ofI believe it can make my life healthiermy healthy life
In writing try to use passive sentences and reduce the use of "I" in the essay. For example u can change the sentence "If I eat dinner out, I cannot control my calories" to this one :"Eating dinner at a restaurant may increase the level of calorie in the body". In addition, the use of term "my calories" is wrong.

too much amount of food bettermore than I can eat
However, if I go to the restaurant, I can not(the structure of this sentence is not suitable. you can write:"at restaurants I have not such chance to do that")

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Writing report about "Convenient Computers" - feedback [3]

Hi,
There is no relationship between the first sentence of the introduction and what you wrote in the other parts. I think you should change it to make the sentences more coherent. You should mark the key words of the topic. The topic is not about computers and children. In the first paragraph you should prepare the mind of a reader about the main idea of the topic.

U used the word "convenient" several times. try to use synonyms
computers are used whenfor shopping
People who go to thea shop
...to purchase a stuffproduct (stuff is not formal) .
People pay by cash fromviathe ATM or credit cards which are read by the computers in the stores
(You wrote about ATM in the second paragraph. So, it is not appropriate to restate this issue in the third one. You should discuss another aspect of the issue in the third part of the essay.)

They can see and choose goodsOo nline can view , select and then pay for productsthemby the Internetonline without the needing to go to aattend stores .

At the third paragraph you are talking about what u have previously explained. In fact, all three paragraphs are conveying the same message. Use various reasons and try to consider different facets of the topic.

At the conclusion you should reword the topic, before stating an ending statement.

Hope this helps
Regard
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Gandhi - About a World Leader [5]

Hi,
(We should know the whole parts of the topic to find out its type. I stated this because, as u know, the structure of an essay can be varied from one type to another one)

I think your essay is really good, but the main problem is that you repeated some words and terms for several times.

In conclusion it would be right to say that Gandhi was a true world leader. With his principles and beliefs he has was able to inspire millions and give freedom to Indiaianfrom the British rule .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'important to make large amount to money' - essay [3]

Hi,
I just focused on the introduction and I have some suggestions. I hope the comments be useful

Even though some people might be satisfied with the amount of money required for a living, I feel that it is important to make large amounts of money(use synonym. you previously used this term) (why do you think it is important??)(When you use the term "even though", the first sentence must be in variance with the second one. But in the first sentence of the introduction both parts of the statement are similar. Correct this!!) . Nowadays importance of money has increased due to the soaring prices which gives an impression an impression aboutimpacts the people's lives in the future (I think you should move this sentences at the beginning of the introduction. Because this sentence is talking about some general issues. In addition, you should mention your opinion in the last part of the introduction) .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Crime news should not be reported in newspapers or tv [7]

Hi,

Hey guys, what's wrong with you. We are here to help each other, not to show who is better. I think we must be criticizable. Elena you should also consider that contributors are not expert and the title of "contributor" must not make you proud. Mr/Ms Saidakhror you must be more polite toward a person who tried to help you.

We should learn respect others' opinions

Regards
Ahmad