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Posts by ah_zafari [Contributor]
Joined: Apr 7, 2012
Last Post: Oct 25, 2017
Threads: 40
Posts: 672  
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From: Australia

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ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic- reduction in traffic jam by decrease in travel from home to other areas [3]

Hi Yangfan, I really glad that my suggestions about your essay were useful. Thank you very much for your concerning and your valuable comments. In fact, this topic is a subject from "IELTS practice test plus 2". At that book the structure that has been used is similar to what I wrote. But what you said is reasonable, and I try to consider your suggestions for my future essays.

Thanks again and I hope that this relation between you and me for improving our proficiency in writing to be continued.
Regards
A. Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic- reduction in traffic jam by decrease in travel from home to other areas [3]

Hi guys, I prepared an essay with a topic which has been written below. I was wondering if you would mind reviewing it for me and I welcome your ideas.

The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, educatin or shopping. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

These days the size and population of cities are haphazardly growing up and, therefore, many big cities may encounter various problems, including traffic jam. As a result, authorities are seeking for a way to decline this problem. Some say, one effective solution for reducing level of traffic is decrease in travels from home to different parts of a city such as universities, shopping centers, etc. For my perspective, though, this is not an appropriate way since it has negative effects on economy of a city. These viewpoints will be argued in this essay and the possibility of them will be considered.

A group of people believe that reduction in traffic in a city is not achievable unless structure of that city to be changed. They think today's cities have an important problem called "zoning". Zoning is applied to a condition in which various parts of cities such as hospitals, universities, shopping malls, and the like, are located in the distinct areas. Consequently, individuals have to travel from their home to different districts for diverse purposes. One solution is distribution of these parts in all cities' areas. In this circumstance people do not require to leave their neighborhood for shopping, or working. In fact, this strategy needs to structure of a city considerably change.

Some others, however, think that this solution is not possible in practice. In other words, what was stated above requires a new city to be built, and it is not an economical way. In fact,there are other solutions which are viewed as cheaper ways. First one is evolution of public transportation systems. It is shown that one of the most important reasons why traffic jam increases in big cities is individual transportation growth. Another way can be a reduction in the rate of immigration from one city to a bigger city. Many believe that immigration is the main factor which creates overpopulated cities with high level of traffic. With regard to the issue concerning decline in immigration rate and, therefore, traffic jam, governments should allocate more budget for ameliorating life quality in all cities of their countries. Thus, public transportation and immigration can be considered as more imperative elements with respect to traffic reducing.

In my view, the role of financial difficulties for reducing the number of travels in a city is hard to ignore. This strategy is followed by producing new infrastructural constructions which needs great budgets.This difficulty is enough to make this opinion unpractical. However, I think the second viewpoint which was mentioned above is more reasonable and many counties are considering it.

To sum up, it is thought that if structures of cities to be changed in a way through which people's need for traveling throughout the cities decrease, the traffic jam problem in metropolises would be eradicated. While, financial problems are the main obstacles against this attitude that make it impossible in action.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic: Win a sport competition is everything ? [2]

Hi, in general the essay looks fine,. Here some suggestions:
"the discussion about the purpose of playing the (delete this) sports activities has become a controversy "" Controversy is noun, but in this sentence u need an adj. "..has become a controversial topic".

"..the (delete this) a championship"
".. the (delete) winners .
"..they are encountering a series of life challenges in the future." : The tense of this sentence is future, so you cannot use present continuous. In addition you are talking about the events that may happen and you are assuming, so it would be better to use "...would encounter ..." or "may encounter..."

"There is no denying that sports challengers have to bear harsh conditions and pressure in those sports presentation in order to become a distinctive talent" : I could not find a relation between this sentence and the previous one, I think it is ruined the coherency of the essay. It would be better separate this sentence with "secondly" and for the next sentence use "finally".

The last part of the topic asks bout your opinion. You did not expand your own idea, you should write a paragraph for your opinion and, through this paragraph a comparison between previous ideas , that were stated, should be provided.

Regards
A.Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic: Your view of "Pen and Paper" Examination [7]

Hi guys, I have done this topic too. I would like to share it to know your opinion. I know that my essay is long, but i could manage my time and complete it in 40 minutes.

For better or worse, we live in a world that is relatively surrounded by various educational systems. However, in all these academic atmospheres there are narrow range of evaluation methods, among which "pen and paper" examination is the most commonly used. Nowadays, some people come to a conclusion that this type of examination cannot be a suitable way for steering students toward success and cannot be a good criterion for identifying their abilities. For my perspective, "pen and paper" examination should be viewed as an effective ways for students evaluation. Different aspects of this kind of exam will be discussed in this essay.

A group of people believe that the traditional examination technique (paper tests) has several weak-points which make it as an inappropriate way for assessing students. First of all, this type of test is free of any kinds of creativity. In fact, students with different level of intelligence cannot show their capabilities in this condition. Secondly, dominance of high anxiety over the atmosphere of a paper exam can be another downside which students fail to represent what they really know. Finally, it is shown that "pen and paper" tests function as motivations suppressive. In other word, this kind of examination is too tiring with no cheerful atmosphere which ignore students' interests. For this, many individuals think other techniques for evaluating students such as hand in a term paper, not only familiarize pupils with an extensive information about a specific subject, but also these methods are helpful for assessing students and driving up schools standards.

For my view, however, the role of paper tests on the educational prosperity is hard to ignore. This method helps students to control their stress level and focus on what they have studied even in hard circumstances. They also learn how to manage their time and how convey their messages in the short sentences in the form of key words and information. Nevertheless, I think other methods such as researches, presentations, teamwork activities, and the like, should also be considered. Such evaluating ways teach students to ameliorate their abilities for presenting a seminar and rise their confidence level. Furthermore, researching in different facets shows how students must gather information about a topic and how prepare a research account. As a result, all these techniques beside paper tests ought to consider to students obtain the highest level of success.

To sum up, some say that the old fashion "paper tests" cannot guarantee the prosperity of students. However, there are several positive aspects in this type of exam that make it one of the most effective assessing ways.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / IETLS-the only way to protect the environment is at an international level [7]

Hi again, this conclusion has several problems. First of all, you used "however" and "also" sequentially, that makes the sentence unclear. You tried to complete the conclusion just in one sentence. It is better to explain about two sides of the discussion, and then finish the essay by a clincher which can be a "suggestion", "a prediction", "a question". In my idea, u can write a conclusion like this (just a suggestion): "To sum up, it is believed that for eradication of environmental difficulties all across the world not only countries should work together, but also each country or a person can play an important role in this concern. However, international activities are more effective, and if don nothing with regard to this problem at this level, the lives of next generations will be jeopardized".

The last sentence is a prediction about the future that I usually use for ending essays.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / A discussion about two views toward talent [3]

Hi Susan, thank you for the corrections. would you pleas give your idea about the other essay that I have written about change in life??? Thank you very much for your help.

Regards
A. Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / IETLS-the only way to protect the environment is at an international level [7]

Hi, your essay is well organized and the range of vocabulary was good. In my view, however, your conclusion is not appropriate. First of all, it is too short. Secondly, in conclusion you should reword the first paragraph, and at the end finish it by a sentence which show the essay is finished (this sentence is called "clincher"). In fact, what you write as conclusion is a clincher, but you did not paraphrase the first paragraph.

Regards
A.Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 18, 2012
Research Papers / Doing my reseach paper on "Why is Capital Punishment Wrong" [6]

Hello again, I forgot to writ this suggestion. it may helpful,
suggestion: In some cases this penalty is a way for committing suicide. Around 1980 an article was published with the title of "attempting suicide by homicide " that reported a case through which a man killed his neighbor with intent to sentence to death. When it was asked him that what was your motivation for the kill, he replied: " I am tired of living."

I hope these comment be useful.
Regards
A.Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 18, 2012
Research Papers / Doing my reseach paper on "Why is Capital Punishment Wrong" [6]

Hi, you can start in this way: " Ethical, cultural and social norms are central to the controversy over death penalty. All these elements significantly impact people's attitude toward this type of punishment and, therefore, make it as an acceptable or unacceptable issue in different societies. For my perspective, it cannot be a deterrent to murder because of .... reasons even though capital penalty is still executing in some countries.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Making cement, limestone and clay' - the IELTS Exam [5]

Hi, Your essay is quite good. I have several suggestion with regard to your essay that have been written as follow:
First of all, do not use the terms "the figures below", "it can be seen" and the like, because an examiner has not the pictures as reviewing your work. You can start the essay by the phrases like " the figures provide information", "the illustration shows..", "the figures indicate.." etc.

"to become powder ..": suggestion:" A crusher is used for grinding the materials into fine powders"
"goes into a mixer after that " : suggestion: "goes into a mixer thereafter "
"Next, the mixture goes into a rotating heater...": you used "goes into" for several times. it is not appropriate. It would be more effective if it is rewritten as this sentence: " at the next step, a rotating heater is employed in order to ..."

"..which we combine 15% of cement,": never use "we" , "I", etc in the essay. You must use passive sentences.
"materials are in a concrete mixer mixing..." : two "mix" were used sequentially which is not rational. It would be better to say : " All stated materials are mixed for a certain time in a concrete mixer ..."
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / The study essay on Insect Entomopathogenic Nematode [9]

Hi again Sanaz, this sentence would be more understandable if you change it with the sentence below:
"The results of breeding tests among the isolates of Boj1، Boj7، Boj8 and Boj9 revealed that the first isolate (S.feltiae) and the reference isolate (Boj1) could belong to "S.feltiae" species and three other isolates (Boj7، Boj8 and Boj9) were classified as the species of "Steinernema".

حقیقتا متن سختی بود.
امیدوارم نوشته بالا کمک کننده باشه و به ماهیت علمی بحث لطمه نزده باشه
موفق و پیروز باشید
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / A discussion about two views toward talent [3]

Hi everybody, I would be grateful to know your opinions about my essay written below. Thanks in advance
Topic: It is generally believe that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
What I have written is around 330 words. I know it is a little long, but I can manage my time and complete a passage like this in 40 min.

Genetic issues and working hard are central to the continuing controversy over the subject of talent. Some say that a person's success in a field such as sport or education is rooted in his/her natural abilities, while others believe that perseverance can compensate the lack of people's aptitude. Both these viewpoints will be argued in this essay.

A group of people think that all individuals can succeed in different facets if they hardly work an attempt. Among these people, there are some famous scientists that have the same thought. Newton, for instance, the father of calculus, said that "all people have a normal level of intelligence and aptitude, but what distinguishes them, is their tendency and perseverance for achieving a goal". As a result, working hard shapes the basis of this viewpoint.

However, with regard to issue concerning talent, many studies and researches have been conducted to prove that people have special abilities as they are born. Some pundits have shown that talent is genetically included in some individuals. For instance, the possibility of being a scientists in mathematics for people growing up in families with talented parents in this field is higher than that for individuals who have ordinary parents. An investigations revealed that talented people can read musical pitches with no training. In addition, there are too many empirical proofs that indicate gifted children can start to talk in earlier ages as compared to normal ones. These results show that talent play a vital role to a person be an excellent musician, scientists, or a sports professional.

According to what was mentioned above, the scientific outcomes and evidence in real life are indicative of the fact that people are born with unique characteristics which can significantly impact an individual life to be a successful person in a specific field. In my view, however, both stated viewpoints are imperative. Individuals with great level of talent must also be hard working people to flourish their capabilities.

To sum up, people's attitudes toward talent are diverse. Some say that people can obtain any kinds of successes regardless their abilities, while other think that talent is a fact that is hard to ignore. Nevertheless, none of these opinions guarantee prosperity. What is more important in this respect, is that both these ideas ought to viewed together to a person reach his/her aims.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / The study essay on Insect Entomopathogenic Nematode [9]

Hi; I am not expert on this research area, but as a reader I have some suggestions. I hope these ideas be helpful.
Line one " Due to growing application of this pathogen in recent decades, the identification of these factors is very important" : The structure of the sentence is a little farsi, (You used the term "in the recent years", therefore you should use a sentence with the tens of present perfect). I think it would be better to be written in this way: " The identification of these factors has become very imperative/important issue due to the development of this pathogen's applications in the recent decades".

the word "identification" was used for several times, you can use the word "recognition" instead.
"..was in group "bacteriophora"...": Suggestion: (...were grouped/classified as "bacteriophora"...)
"Belonging" is a good word but as a suggestion the terms such as "categorized as", "classified as", "included in", "a part of" could be appropriate in this context.

"...isolates, Boj1, Boj7, Boj8 and Boj9 were grouped in a clade with other species of "feltiae"group..": In a scientific report the sentences should not be definite. It would be better to use "could" and "might". Thus in my view, the sentence should be change into" ...isolates, Boj1, Boj7, Boj8 and Boj9 could be grouped in a clade with other species of "feltiae"group.."

I could not understand this sentence "Cross breeding tests result between species and Boj1, Boj7, Boj8 and Boj9 isolates with S.feltiaereference isolates, it was confirmed that the first isolates (Boj1) belongs to the S.feltiaespecies.". It is too complicated for realizing. Would u please write it in farsi??

Regards
A.Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic. Behaviour in school is getting worse [6]

Hi, I have some idea about the topic that you can use them as the reasons why these days the behavior of students is getting worse.

1) Financial difficulties can play a crucial role on the behavior of people. In fact, such problems can increase the stress level in a family and cause a student deals with an atmosphere which is full of conflicts and tensions. Therefore, he/she reflects the effects of this inappropriate atmosphere in the form of different types of abnormal behavior such as aggression.

2) The wrong behavior of teachers: Many teachers don not know how to interact with students in different age groups. In other words, the poor awareness of teachers with regard to psychological issues that may influence students' manner in an educational atmosphere can be viewed as another main reason in this respect.

3) The last thing that I think is important is that, students, especially those who are teenagers, always need to be the center of attention. When pupils injure each other through a contest, in fact, they wants to draw attention of others and they try to prove themselves in this way.

These are my idea, I just wanted to share them with you and know your opinion about.
Regards
A. Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Types of news: Local, national and international' - news and types essay [5]

Hi, in general your writing is good and you could convey the message in the effective and short sentences. I have some suggestions that have been written below:

First of all, you tried to support your ideas by some examples. But the term "For example" was used for several times. It would be better to use various terms such as:for instance, For the cases such as..., to give an example, e.g. ,...

at line 1: in my view the use of word "seek" is better than "look for". (That is just a suggestion)
"Falls into..." : You can use this sentence: "The news are classified into three main categories"
Last line: "in one's local area..": I think it would be more effective if you use the term " specific area"

Regards
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / A wonderful trip with new experience (Toronto / Global village) [2]

Hi
I tried to read your essay completely, but that was too long. in fact,it was a too long travel account. I have several suggestion for writing an essay. indeed, the most important step for writing an essay is organization of information. You should not write all details. At the first paragraph (introduction) it would be better to start with a motivator through which a reader attracts to the essay and generally find out what he/she is going to read. Then say the main idea that in this case is your trip to Toronto.

In the body you could divide your trip in 3 or maximum 4 parts. You could allocate each paragraph of the body to one part. Try to write the most important experiences and facets of each part of the trip. In this way a reader would not be confused and he/she would not lost in the passage.

At last write a conclusion. In this part you can write about the advantages of trip and what was its influences in your life and behavior. as the final sentence of the conclusion you should write a sentence which shows the writing is finished, this sentence is called "clincher".

Best regards
A.Zafari
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / Change in life- Two different opinions. [5]

Hello guys. I would be appreciated to know your opinion about my essay. Please help me to improve it. Regards.

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Humankind history shows that people have always been looking forward changes in various aspects. Flourishing new societies, new innovations, immigrations, etc, are the clear-cut instances that reveal the tendency of human being to change and manipulate his surrounded environment. All these examples, however, are regard to long-term changes. For te short period of time, people's attitudes toward change are different. Some think that change is a useful thing, while others prefer to continue rest of their life in a routine way. This essay tries to discuss both these viewpoints.

The belief of living with no change stems from several important psychological and physiological issues. People who have grown up in a static atmosphere without creativity, would usually like to maintain their situations. In fact, they are conservative individuals that always afraid of any changes. Secondly, some people inherently are cautious and conservative. It is shown that some characteristics are with people as they are born. In other words, they genetically live according to a routine schedule with no change. Consequently, this viewpoint is derived from the people's intrinsic and external environmental effects.

On the other hand, a group of people have completely different attitude in this concern. They think that changes can provide a society full of creativity. Many inventions and advancements arising from a creative atmosphere. They believe variation of living circumstances in various aspects not only improve the life quality by finding optimal conditions, but also it follows by new goals in life which can provide a dynamic world. In such world, everything is new and at this atmosphere novel ideas and opinions can flourish.

For my perspective, living in basis of change can be more useful for promotion of people in comparison with in a static world. Nevertheless, age can be considered as a very important factor which impacts the people's views with regard to changes. Young adults, for instance, are commonly more interested in to get new things, since they are energetic and full of vitality. Therefore, age should also viewed as another key element, beside psychological and physiological causes, that have special influences on people's thoughts toward change.

To sum up, there are two different opinions with respect to issue concerning change in life. Some believe that change can be suitable in any respects, and a group of people try to escape from any changes. The first opinion is more reasonable and if societies want to improve their levels in various facets, the authorities should prompt individuals to foster this idea in their minds.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'encourages to devoting'; Successful sports professionals can earn big money [5]

Your introduction have no motivator. Before expressing the main idea of the essay you should prepare a reader's mind. For instance you can write: Nowadays sports clubs all across the world have changed into lucrative economical establishments. Consequently, the income of players in different sports is increasing day after day.

Line 3: "...professions also have their paths to successes with great incomes...":.. Professions have also found their paths toward success.
Line 5: Physical and mental level: it would be better to write " to improve their mental and physical states"
The use of word "achievement" for several times is not appropriate, you should use a wide range of vocabulary such as : gain, obtain, reach, arrive at, etc.

'..they need to have also the talents,.." : use talent in singular form. It would be better to rewrite this sentence: "Talent is an important element for a sport player to arrive at international level, which is available for a few people."

"...People ignore these facts maybe..": suggestion: " .. people are failed to appreciate these facts.."
"...with great success often have less chance to expose...": suggestion: ".. rarely expose to ..." or you can say " the lives of sports professionals are more newsworthy than other people"

"people could also find their paths to great successes": you have repeated this sentence. Try to use another sentence.
You can use aptitude which is a synonym for talent.
"If he has also talent of management stills, it is possible for him to operate a successful company, even when he was still every young. ": Suggestion: "In addition, some engineers inherently have managerial skills that give them an opportunity to set up and execute a profitable company, even at the early years of their professional lives. "

As "ajit" said, your conclusion is too short. You should reword the first paragraph.

Regards
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 12, 2012
Essays / what is a good one page essay stating your opinion on the death penalty? [4]

I have studied several articles about this subject and I hope my suggestions be useful
Introduction: Ethical, social, and cultural values are central to the continuing controversy over death penalty. According to these elements this type of punishment can be an acceptable problem among people of a society such as Islamic ones. With regard to issue concerning the capital punishment there is an important question that "can death penalty be viewed as a suitable deterrent to crime?". For my view, this penalty cannot be a helpful policy for eradication of crime in a country even though in some countries it is conducting.

Body: in body you can discuss about its effects on economical issues. For example, a survey in the US showed that the amount of tax paying for capital punishment is higher that that for long imprisonment over a period of ten years. Also, In 1983 an article with the title of "Attempting suicide by homicide" was published that discussed about cases through which some individuals murder a person in order to sentence to death because they were tired of living. Moreover, many researches revealed that this kind of penalty cannot be an effective way for declining homicide rate. The results of these investigations showed that the homicide rate in a country is affected by many other societal issues which must be considered and death penalty cannot eliminate those difficulties, eg. poverty, inappropriate atmosphere at which people are grown up, and the like.

At the another part of body you can talk about countries in which this type of penalty is executed. For example you can write about Islamic countries. In fact, this punishment is a part of Islamic rules. You can also write that a group of people believe that death penalty is a way by which the victims' families can obtain their right. Furthermore, In such countries authorities think that their societies steer toward safety and security in this way.

At the third part, you should compare these viewpoints and give your own idea.
Finally write a conclusion. (reword the first paragraph)

I hope these hints be helpful
I wish you luck, and have fun
Regards
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - bar and pie charts (the results of a survey of adult education) [5]

The firs and the most important step for writing a chart (Task one of IELTS writing) is the true organization. In the introduction you should write about what the figures show, as well as the place and time(where and when). At the end of the introduction you should inform a reader the general trend (you can start with: " in general.. "). in this part of introduction you should just mention the increasing or decreasing trend.

The second part is body. It is too important to compare results and use an appropriate time (past of present tens, for instance). In addition, finding a link between figures is another imperative issue.

The final part is a conclusion which represents what is the main idea of the data.

I hope these hints be helpful
Best regards
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 11, 2012
Undergraduate / Admission essay for Engineering college in India - how to start writing it? [4]

In google you can find lots of SOP (statement of the purpose) samples. I find several websites that they have been written as follows:

uni.edu/~gotera/gradapp/stmtpurpose.htm
alumnus.caltech.edu/~natalia/studyinus/guide/statement/samples.htm
statementofpurpose.com
customdissertation.com
majortests.com/gre/sop-sample.php
I hope these site would be helpful
Regards
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / Nowadays children have too much freedom. Economic problem and self-earning? [4]

Hi
Your essay have several grammar error: for example: line one: "High inflation it became" you should use present perfect tens" it has been become ..."

The word "attributing" was used several times. Firs of all, the use of this word, in the context that you have used, is not rational. It would be better to replace them by other words such as contribute, stem from, arising from, result in, etc.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / "Education is the key to success" discuss your view about this. [3]

With regard to the introduction I have some suggestions:

You have tried to start you essay by a question. But before the question you ought to prepare a reader's mind. For example you can say: People have different attitude toward the term "success". Therefore, there is no an agreement on the question that what is the real meaning of success?

Do not copy the topic: "And how does education becomes the key to success?" you can use this one" how education can play a vital role in prosperity (try to use a wide range of vocabulary).

In today`s modern and competitive societies
"...to shine ..." It is not clear, it would be better to change
"the key to success" : the use of this sentence for several times is not appropriate.
For expressing you opinion it is better to start sentence with the sentences such as for my perspective, in my view. "For my perspective, education have a special significance for succeeding even though there are individuals who could achieve their goals without academic training.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'He always encouraged me to be a computer scientist' - influential person for me [16]

In order to decrease the number of words of your essay you should delete some sentences that are not essential. For example: "He cleared me what computer science is" : In my opinion, this sentence is not necessary. You can say briefly: My interest in the subject even increased when I realized the role of computer in the modern world through these conversations. (in this way you can decrease the words by 3).

You can change this sentence "the mathematical algorithms used in web search engines" : The mathematical algorithm that web designer use. (1 word reduction by this one)

It is not necessary to use "modeling and simulation" together: use just one. (1 word decreases)

I hope that what was stated above be helpful.

Regards
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / What is happiness? Why is it difficult to define? [3]

From the first day of creation of the world to date, humankind had looked for the different ways which make him happy. In fact, mankind intrinsically is drawn to the situations at which feels happiness. Moreover, some social and sexual elements are central to the continuing controversy over the definition of happiness and there are various causes which make the issue imperative.

The diversification of beliefs in various societies can be considered as the main factor which causes not being able to define happiness. Moslems, for instance, believe that living in a condition on which Islamic rules are dominated is the real meaning of happiness, whereas materialists think that happiness is briefed on this world and they evaluate the level of happiness in basis of economical issues. On the other hand, the definition of happiness is also influenced by gender of individuals. Since the needs and perspectives of males and females are different, subsequently, they have different attitude toward happiness. As a result, sex and beliefs can be the reasons why individuals cannot have an agreement about a specific happiness definition.

Although, there is no comprehensive definition in this concern, all people naturally know the causes impacting happiness. One of these factors is physical and mental states. Living in a condition free of anxiety and diseases can provide a comfortable and pleasant place that directly affects the mental and physical health of people. Another significant factor is the goal of living. In other words, setting a goal in life and the attempt of people to reach it, can makes individuals happy. When a person has no aim in his/her life, would be disappointed since he/she finds the world a worthless place, and it is impossible for a person with this though to understand the beautiful facets of life. Psychologists and sociologists believe that this issue is a major concern which has resulted in increase in the percentage of suicide at the recent decades. Therefore, the quality of life and the thought of people are the important causes which strongly influence happiness.

In summary, when it is asked a person: "what is the happiness?" he/she finds it intricate topic to talk about. In addition, there are too many factors which impact happiness such as life style, opinion of people in respect to life, etc. For my perspective, happiness is not available in this world because it is a transient world, and consequently, we can seek it in another world. This though can be helpful for people to adopt themselves to the hard condition in life and it can make the world more satisfying place to live.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'He always encouraged me to be a computer scientist' - influential person for me [16]

Hi, here is some suggestions.

Line one: "...which was a computer science teacher..." :change "which" by "who"
Line two" he was able to...": Start sentence with a capital letter. It would be helpful to support your idea, how the teacher could make the subject fun?Furthermore, in order to make you essay shorter, you can use a sentence like this: His ability for expressing intricate subjects and the usage of new technology and software made the class more fun and useful.

Line two: "He told me.." : it would be better to use "tech" instead "told"
The last line: "He always encouraged.. : "he could see" and "scientist" are not rational. The word of "passion" has been used for the second time, it would be better to use a wide range of vocabulary : He always encouraged me to be an expert in computer science because he knew about my eagerness to this discipline.

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