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Posts by ah_zafari [Contributor]
Joined: Apr 7, 2012		 Last Post: Oct 25, 2017
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From: Australia

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ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / There are some reasons why children learn better and faster than adults. [2]

A children(A children? It must be "A child", right?) should study a foreign language in school starting in the early grades. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Some people who concern in education thoughtthink that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at in the early grade (at primary school). While I agree with this statement, I also believe that it has underlines notes to do it.(You should've started the introduction with a motivator (sometimes it is called "hook").

While children learn better and faster than adults, there are some important notes when parentsor teacherand mentors teach a foreign language to them. Parent and teacher should not force them to learn a foreign language well. Parent and teacher should understand that every children have different capability and intelligence. Children should learn a foreign language and others happily. Children must familiar with their mother language first before they learn other language. If they do not apprehend their mother language first, they will experience many difficulties when they learn other subjects. Nowadays, many children are more difficult to learn many subjects in their school because they have not understood their first language yet. It also is not good for their communication with others. (this paragraph has deviated from the topic. The topic asks your opinion about a statement, which is starting learning a foreign language in the early ages of a person's life. You are in agreement with this statement and you need to support your agreement through at least two body paragraphs to show why you think this is a good idea. Teaching approach cannot be the subject of this essay. For example you could talk about the effects of a language on the forms of jaws, lips and mouth; Your first language would mold them and that's why you can never speak English like a native English speaker, even if you live in an English speaking country for 50 years. But, this is more true for adults than children's body structure. The oral organs of children have not formed completely so they have a chance to learn the correct pronunciations of words more easily.

btw, I don't believe that children can learn a foreign language faster than teenagers or adults, as many studies proved that the best age range for learning a foreign language is between 11 to 13, cause children who do not know anything about the complex concepts like verb, adverb, stresses, tenses, etc., how they can apply these things on a different language from their own languages. They do not even know their own languages perfectly.

To sum up, it seems toin light of the aforementioned factsmeI think thatit is better for children to begin learning a other language at in the early grade (in primary school)(reword this sentence as you used exactly the same sentence in the intorduction)with pay attention to some notes above .

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Children are dependent on computer entertainment. Should they spend more time on outdoor activities [5]

Topic: Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion.

Not too long ago the childhood was recognized with the children who was playing in grounds and making noise in streets, cheering and competing in football matches. Today we are witnessing silent neighbourhoods, where those energetic activities of children no longer exist and they have been replaced with absolute silence and people with eyes pinned to their smart phones, playing a video game. This situation is alarming a group of sociologists who advocate outdoor activities and believe youngsters should be discouraged from spending a majority of their time on visual entertaining devices like computers. I utterly agree with this idea as I believe outdoor activities positively influence children's health and social lives.

To begin with, obesity among children has become a crucial issue in today's world. The average time that children at the age range of 7 to 10 years old spend on physical activities in the US has been approximated to be less than 1 hour a week. This shocking numbers reveal that there is an imbalance between the amount of calories children receive and consume through their daily routine life. Playing computer games for hours every day prevent youngsters from attending sport activities, thus, they gain weight which contributes to many cardiovascular diseases and increases the blood pressures. In short, we need to give children incentive to participate in more outdoor activities with the intent to save their health and place them into better physical states.

Moreover, dependency of children on computers and the Internet has affected their social lives adversely. The advent of social networking communication models has taken the chance of face-to-face interaction from children. As a consequence, children do not learn how to express their ideas or even feelings to the opposite gender in the real life, since they always speak, argue, and make friend through online commenting and social networking. On the other hand, activities like sports provide young people with a world of opportunities to develop their communication skills. With exposure to such atmospheres they find the ways of making friends and overcoming social difficulties such as bullying. If they always stay at home under their parents' protection, they would acquire none of these lessons that the society teaches them.

To sum up, nowadays indoors activities, in particular playing computer games and social networking, have occupied a major part of children's lives, which negatively impact them socially and physically. Hence, If we seek a healthier society with more advanced people in terms of socialization, it is our responsibilities to steer our children towards more physical exercises.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / The data suggest that, as time goes by, more individuals prefer games software and DVDs over CDs. [4]

You need to classify data first, then start writing this task. If I were you I would start with CD, and I would say that CD did not show much change and it almost remained constant (i.e. slightly over 30 billion dollars); Then I would continue the essay comparing CD with the other items. In this way, you could present the results more clearly. Decide what data should come first. Do not make sentences too long, so that the comparison between results become difficult).

U wrote a very good conclusion though

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 30, 2015
Essays / Topic for Oral Exam for B2 - Study abroad and why i choose a summer course [6]

Studying Abroad: I just addresS u to some keywords:
cultural diversity, stand on your feet cause u have to handle your difficulties alone without receiving helps from family and friends, improving your English as the main tool required for international communications, to see the world more colourful as you will see different people

Is this enough?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D: Children will have less financial problems if they are given a certain amount of money weekly [NEW]

Topic: Some people think that giving their children a certain amount of money every week will help them have fewer financial problems in the future. Do you agree or disagree?

I, as a normal employee in a private company, always struggle to spend my monthly salary wisely. I think many other people like me do not know how to spend their money on the basis of a time frame. Thus, some people have brought forth a solution that if children receive a specific sum of money weekly, it would be a good practice for their future lives as adults. I totally agree with this opinion because of several financial issues.

To begin with, a weekly pocket money strategy teaches youngsters the pivotal life lesson of "how to become a good accountant". A good accountant always calculate and monitor the whole amount of money available, and remained financial resources for a certain period of time. If children are given a particular amount of money for one week, they have to act as an accountant and carefully spend their money on things they actually need. Thus they learn how to manage their money. This approach unconsciously changes into a habit for them and in the future they will encounter less economic difficulties.

Second, saving money in a proficient way is a valuable skill which is required to be taught to youth. Allotting an amount of money to children's weekly pocket money is a method to meet this end. For example, if children know that the only income resource they have is only that money they gain every week, they will be obliged to save their money with the intent to purchase their favourite book, computer or toy. Learning not to be a great spender and save money based on a plan are crucial life skills that the weekly money given to children enable us to develop them.

Finally, children value money when they know it is not accessible any time they need it. Living in a luxurious world where all people are overwhelmed by advertisements steers individuals to save less, borrow more, and consume endless array of products, which is known as consumerism. This wrong cultural norm of the contemporary era would be erased by providing a way for people to worth their money more and do not lose it easily. Weekly pocket money is an exercise that can evolve this thought form the very early ages of a person's life. In other words, children learn if they consume money unnecessarily, they will not have money for one week. This behaviour at a higher level would save the society form the epidemic of materialistic values.

To sum up, many of the financial problems we are fighting against every day would not be viewed as issues to the next generation, if we grant them a specific amount of money per week in order to teach them how to manage their money and spend it rationally.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / Study blindfoldedly without analyzing the assumptions made in it will certainly bring one's downfall [2]

rendering the study to be a waste of time

this is not a nice approach of questioning a work. The data are not "trustable", "legitimate" or "valid" would be better choices of words.

The author's view about the relation between the amount of sleep needed by the executives and the success of their firms becomes biased by a recent study on certain executives which showed greater profit margins and faster growth by those executives who need less than 6 hours of sleep and without even examining the fallacies of the study the author asserts that only such people should be hired.

this is a very long sentence, and the absence of commas made it really difficult to read.

reported

you could use the words "records", "the available documents", "evidence", "proofs", and the like, instead of repeating one word.

executives

you could also use the word "subjects", cause those male and female executives are subjects in this study.

Second, the study does not state the amount of work given to these executives.Whether or not it was the same as those needing more sleep ? The work may have been relatively minuscule compared to those needing more sleep , and that may have lead to the successful completion of the work, inturn making it succesful.

can u see the repetition?

Certain executives doesdo not represent all the

hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / University degrees are very essential in job market and to pursue master education [3]

This essay has major problems in terms of organization. The second paragraph should be a part of the introduction, where you need to briefly talk about your own opinion and mention at least two and maximum three issues you are going to argue in the body. So, the second paragraph is not viewed as a body paragraph. In fact, your essay has two introductory paragraphs.

besides grammar errors, and the use of very simple sentences, you wrote all your ideas in one paragraph which were supposed to be stated separately. You need to give more examples as supporting sentences. Why do you think people are prepared for a job in universities? This is just an idea and you need to support the idea. Without a support the body paragraph is incomplete.

Therefore, this essay had one actual body paragraph, which is categorized as an incomplete essay.

Finally, By seeing all the reasons of attending colleges or university, it is clear that the most paramount reason is career growth. However, gaining new experience , enhancing knowledge are also prodigious reasons

This paragraph is vague too. It is not a conclusion. You need to reword the thesis first, then, provide the reader with a clincher to let him/her know that the essay has finished.

Hope u find the comments helpful.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree: Students need one year of break after finishing high school [4]

Topic: Some people think students who finished high school need to have a year of break or a holiday before continuing their study in a university. Do you agree or disagree?

Every student needs to study hard for 12 years in order to pass primary and high schools successfully. Twelve years of exams' stresses and perseverance for conducting school projects suck students' energy and, in some cases, discourage pupils to attend a college afterwards. As a consequence, some people have come out with a suggestion that students should take a breath for one year after finishing high school to compensate for the energy and motivations they have lost. In my opinion though, this idea would harm young people more than benefit them.

To begin with, every year the number of students entering to universities is dramatically rising, which all will seek a job after graduation. One year delay between high school completion and university entrance means competing with more job seekers. According to a work paper from the Bureau of Job Statistics, the number of people with an academic degree who look for a job vacancy increases by 10% annually. In short, time is a treasure in the today's competitive world and students should save their precious time to be absorbed to the labour market as soon as they can.

High inflation rate and unstable economy in the vast majority part of the world have urged universities, which are viewed as business platforms too, to increase tuition fees year by year. Therefore, every year that students postpone their studies in universities costs them more sums of money to spend on tuition fees. For example, the tuition fee of the University of Melbourne boosted from 13,000 AUD per semester to 18,000 AUD through 2013 to 2014, which is more than 40% increase. Accordingly, one year rest after high school would oblige students to pay more and, as a result, work casually to afford their education expenses.

To sum up, although many students may not be enthusiastic about continuing their studies in universities right after high school graduation, I believe any hesitation in this world, where job opportunities are decreasing and living costs, in particular education expenses, increasing drastically, is not rational. Thus, we, as adults, are responsible to familiarize youngsters with these factual truths and allow them to find the right path more easily.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / The current energy sources that we use, contaminate our environment, as well as the mankind. [4]

which are about toendrun out such as oil and gas and without them

we will not be able to produce electricity

just electricity? I suggest to change electricity to "energy" as a more general term.

Electricity is the main source that our individuals utilize

electricity is not a source, electricity is a type of energy produced in power plants and used by people. For example, the light is an energy but its source can be the sun, but the light itself is not an energy resource, the sun is.

Consequently, finding another source of energy is indispensable, otherwise it would be inhospitable to live on this planet.

based on what you explained in the body paragraph, I, as a reader, did not come to this conclusion. You talked more about the importance of electricity, but you failed to support what you said in the topic sentence. You could have written about gas power plants to say if gas, as an electrical energy resource, runs out, there is no alternative resource to be replaced with.

contaminatejeopardize our environment, as well as, the mankind.

For instance, cars or vehicle need petrolfor them to operate and they usually pollute ourthe atmosphere by emanating emissions also known asproducing greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide. This can lead towards ailments and diseases for the humankind such as lung cancers and cardiovascular issues . Hence, the government need to immediately take actions to at least suppress those emissions and the most promising way to do so, is to search for another source of energy(what kind of energy do you mean? What type of energy do you think is appropriate and can decrease the current environmental issues stemmed from fossil fuels?) .

ThusIn conclusion , (reword the thesis statement first, then give your own opinion) I have a robust belief that it is imperative for the government to take on the responsibilities of humankind and look for the substitutes for the current sources before facing the repercussions.

hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Ielts: People watch more movies from overseas? What are the reasons for this? [2]

Should the government give financial support to local cinema to produce local films?"

This part of the topic, which is a main question asked in the prompt, has not been covered in this essay. This means that you did not address the prompt completely. Just because of this mistake your mark would be reduced to less than 6 :(

I recommend you to use the following template for writing this essay:
1. Introduction
2. The reasons why people prefer to watch movies produced outside their countries than local films?
3. Argue over the second part of the prompt. Do you think government should spend money on the local film industries? In fact, in this paragraph you should come to a conclusion about the financial supports from the government on the basis of the reasons you count in the first body paragraph.

4. conclusion, include your opinion in conclusion too.

Hope you find the comments useful.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Media should be allowed to publish information about the private life: Discuss two different views [2]

Topic: Some people believe that media (such as newspapers) should be allowed to publish information about the private life of people. Others say that people have a right to privacy and the issue must be controlled or even stopped. Discuss both views.

Almost everybody is interested in celebrities' personal lives. People have an unquenchable thirst for knowing about their favourite singers' lives, as an example, where they live, with whom they have relationships, and the like. However, when we see the confrontation of famous people with correspondents who are trying to cover their private lives' news, we will find that all of them are completely uncomfortable with this situation. The question that must be asked is: how far can the media go in terms of featuring people's personal issues? Similar to many debatable problems related to the media, this matter has its own critics and followers, which both will be examined in this essay.

Those who proclaim the coverage of the private lives of people by the media, concentrate on the lives of politicians and artists. They believe that personal lives of diplomats are good criteria for showing how loyal they are to their slogans. For example, does president Obama, who claims he is advocative of gays' rights, really respect the gay community in his private life? If not, means he is not a trustable person. Moreover, they think that artists such as actors/actresses or singers are role models for youngsters, even though they might not really want to be a model for anyone. Therefore, a role model must be always be viewed and his behaviour outside the stage must be shown to the people who follow them to learn whether they have chosen a right person to copy or not.

On the other hand, we should not forget that people with newsworthy lives are human beings and they need privacy. Imagine a group of photographers, correspondents, and cameramen chase you everywhere 24/7, do you feel happy at this condition? This is a very crucial question indeed, because to understand the rightness of the media's actions towards well-known individuals, sometimes we need to put ourselves in their shoes. The critics believe that none of us would have positive reactions to the media if they do not see any red-lines for releasing the news of our lives. Nobody would feel he is at his home if a pair of eyes, named as the media, always records his life. Celebrities do their jobs and we need to enjoy what they do and question or criticize their works. Anything outside this province is in their own worlds and should be kept secret to anybody.

In my opinion, privacy brings us security. When we know that there is a place that nobody else has an access to, it pleases us and puts us in rest mentally. I believe that prominent people who are at the center of attentions deserve to experience this feeling too, since after all we are humans.

To sum up, news coverage of people's personal lives by the media has always been an intensely debated subject, which is defended or attacked. From my perspective, if we like to live in a society where people respect our rights, which our privacy is one of them, and feel calm there, the media should stop following private lives of celebrities and allow them to live their lives as normal individuals do.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Ielts - "successful in an egalitarian society or Capitalistic" [2]

First, the essay contains only 248 words, less than 250. Be careful, no matter how well you can write, if you write less than 250 words your mark wouldn't be more than 5.5.

There are few people who believe that communist or egalitarian(do not use the prompt's words) societies make people more successful. On the other hand, some others argue that, societies which recognize people based on merits(another word used in the topic) will create a better environment to become successful. (an introduction must be started with a motivator, then a thesis is written and finally your opinion and blueprint)

There are pros and cons in both forms of societies, but I believe egalitarian societies protect basic rights of people and make them more successful and happy.-->WHY??

hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Women should stay at home and raise children: Do you agree or disagree [4]

OK Luisa, I rewrote the essay, can you please have look at this version?

For centuries the patriarchy was the dominant social system all around the world, meaning men were deciding all the problems related to families and the society and women's responsibilities limited to tasks done inside the house, such as cooking and bringing up children. As time passed, many movements of women's rihgts conducted, so that women could change this look to females and take more civic roles. However, due to the long history of the patriarchy system, there are still some people that think women are housewives and their main role in a family is cultivating their children, and if they need money the government should provide them with a monthly salary. I utterly disagree with the latter group because of financial, social and psychological reasons.

We live in a luxurious world with high living expenses, which requires both men and women to work hard in order to afford such costs. The structures of the society is not comparable with the past and people need a sheer sums of money to spend on house rent, bills, transportations, their children's educational costs, and the like. Therefore, if only a man be the breadwinner, fulfilment of all the aforementioned costs is almost impossible. Although, the critics of working mothers suggest the government's helps, this idea is not practical, since the government always try to spend its budgets on public services like constructions of hospitals and schools and such programs would increase the government's expenses drastically.

In addition, females who take social roles would have more communication skills than housewives. Mothers are known as first educators or role models of their kids, so that their higher capabilities in their social interactions, would directly influence children and make them more sociable. Because of the nature of their lifestyles, working mothers communicate with more people, ranging from friends, cauleagues to managers. As a results, they have more opportunities to see people with different attitudes and social statuses, thud they implicitly teach their kids how to behave each of these individuals if they were placed into the same situations.

Finally, when women work and have a financial contribution to the family, resulting from their own efforts not what the government might pay them as housewives, their levels of confidence would be increased. Women, as human beings, are eager for being independent. They want to have their own jobs, their own income resources and if their husbands needed them, they stand by them. Such feeling can be fulfilled if they have a job and feel that they can do whatever men can do. Hence, women do not work just to make money, they seek a way to build their confidence and independency.

To sum up, I believe that the traditional style families do not match the contemporary era and women need to work outside the home to help their families economically, improve their children socially and, more importantly, reinforce their own level of confidence.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Women should stay at home and raise children: Do you agree or disagree [4]

Thanks Luisa. I know that this essay is not a strong essay. Actually I did not like it myself, let alone others, especially in terms of vocab I think it is weak :(

- Again, what about the side that believes that a mother's social life is intertwined with the activities of their children?

it is true, but the topic is "agree OR diagree", which means either agree or diagree. If I want to cover both sides and support all the possible situations the essay would be too long :((

Where in your essay does it become clear that the government should or should not support housewives and mother's financially?

This part of the topic is added because people who think moms should stay at home have no income resource, then, the government should pay them. But I disagree with this group and I'm talking about working mothers not housewives. Why should I still talk about this matter? btw, I mentioned that taking a job is not just about money, which somehow answers this part of the question, doesn't it?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Paying for clothes, haircuts and beauty products - just to enhance own appearence? [3]

The main reason why you got 5 is that the essay contains only 229 words, which is less that the requirement of 250 words.
There are three main reasons that reduce the score to 5 or 5.5: 1) writing below 250 words; 2) not covering what the prompt asks, 3) very poor grammar and vocab. Your case belongs to the first point
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Women should stay at home and raise children: Do you agree or disagree [4]

Topic: Some people think that mothers should spend most of their time raising family, and therefore the government should support them financially. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and examples based on your own experience.

For years men were known as breadwinners and mothers' responsibilities limited to tasks done inside the home such as cooking, bringing up children, and the like. However, as time passed, some major changes occurred in the society and women took more social roles. In spite of such changes in the social structures of families, there are still some people who support the traditional-style families and believe mothers must be housewives, instead receive financial helps from the government. From my perspective, this opinion is debatable because of educational, psychological and social reasons.

The critics of the modern families think that women who spend their time out at works do not have enough time to look after their children, thus, it negatively influences their children. However, I think the effects of working mothers on their kids can be positive, in particular in their education. Nowadays, mothers with a job need to be educated too. In other words, having a job and achieving a degree in the today's world are intertwined. Therefore, a mother who possesses a university or college degree can help her children in their studies. Many empirical sociological studies revealed that children whose mothers have got an academic degree are more successful in different subjects compared to other students.

In addition, the participation of women in social activities is not all about financial issues. Women as human beings hurt from a monotonous life. I have faced many housewives with no satisfaction in their lives solely because they have been doing the same set of activities at home every day without having any interaction with people. Such a situation would steer women toward a deep depression, jeopardizing the mental health of the society at a higher degree.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Internet, automobiles, aeronautical and medical advancements - 21st Century Scientific Changes [7]

Thanks Alot Ah_zafari! Your input is really helpful! I could not make up my mind about the negative impacts because of the IELTS word limit. Will they not penalise if we add more words?

you need to write more than 250 words, you can write more, but the reason why it is recommended that keep the essay short is that the more we write, the more grammar errors would be found in the text, reducing the point, but there is no word limitation.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Modern technology has more negative effects than positive ones: Agree or disagree? [5]

modern technology is the adverse effects of social networks networking on people's communication

"social networking" can be used in this form. google it

The introduction of clean energies, such as solar, wind and electrical energies is one of the solutions that recently suggested to raise the crucial air pollution issue -
please rephrase, this sentence conveys that air pollution increased because of renewable sources usage. If yes, you would want to support your argument with any examples or why you think so

I should have used "erase" or "solve" instead of "raise", thank you.

Consider rephrasing the sentence like : Without any doubt, social networking sites are allowing us to stay in touch with our loved ones.

social networking can be viewed as a verb here, I don't think it is necessary to say "sites". btw, this sentence is supposed to be my own answer to the questions I already asked about my personal experience, so I could not make it general. Thanks anyway for helping.

clean energies - how about using renewable energies?

Renewable energies are those which are achieved from the natural resources like sun, wind, rain, tides, etc, but energies like electricity, or hydrogen fuel cannot be categorized as renewable energies, even though it is a good word you reminded me to use in the future.

But I felt you were trying to complicate sentences where it is not required and few grammatical errors.

I would be happy if I were not have to do this, but this is one of the test's requirements. u have to use complex sentences

Thanks for your help.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Internet, automobiles, aeronautical and medical advancements - 21st Century Scientific Changes [7]

This is an "agree or disagree" topic and you need to clearly mention your own opinion at the end of the introduction. Plus, the thesis is not really apparent. You said both bright and dark sides of the incidents happened through last century, but the prompt is talking about positive attitude of people toward what is going to happen in 21st century. You should emphasis on this matter through the thesis and then give your opinion whether you are optimistic or pessimistic.

This will completely remove our dependency on oil in automobiles

do not repeat the word "dependancy", you can avoid any repetition sometimes by changing the structure of the sentence, for example: "Cars would be completely independent on fossil fuels"

If I were you I would add one more paragraphs to the body to talk about the changes I would like to see in this century.

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Modern technology has more negative effects than positive ones: Agree or disagree? [5]

Topic: Some people think that modern technology has more negative effects on our lives than positive ones. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion.

The advancement of technology has dramatically changed many aspects of our lives, either in a bad and good ways. However, a group of people believe that technology's influences on our society have been more negative than positive. From my perspective, however, this opinion cannot be true because of social, environmental and medical reasons.

One of the notorious examples mentioned by the critics of modern technology is the adverse effects of social networks on people's communication. They believe that social networks like Facebook have changed the interaction model of people from face-to-face to unrealistic, virtual one, which destroys the emotional bonds among friends and families. However, I think that such conclusion has naively been made through a personal prejudice without conducting any comprehensive empirical studies. A social network like Facebook contains millions of members all across the world that connect people to each other. For instance, how could I, as an international student in Australia, stay in contact with my family in Iran or my sister in Canada without using modern social networking? Does it negatively influence my relationships with people who I love, but obligatory far away from me, or are the effects positive? Without any doubt I would answer that Skype, Facebook and other new methods of communications could keep me in touch with people and foster my ties with them.

Moreover, those who claim that the development of technology has been harmful for the world concentrate their thoughts on the environmental issues. Although they might be right to one degree or another, modern technologies have solutions for these problems too. The introduction of clean energies, such as solar, wind and electrical energies is one of the solutions that recently suggested to raise the crucial air pollution issue. In addition, many electrical and hydrogen-fuel cars have been invented that can be replaced with the current automobiles with the intent to produce cleaner atmosphere.

The role of advanced technology in phenomenal enhancement in medicines is also undeniable. Invention of artificial hands and legs, implantation of teeth, production of micro-needles used in surgeries, to name a few, are instances that show how technology could save lives of many. Indeed, the positive effects of technology on the health are pivotal, so they cannot be questioned by less significant issues stated earlier.

To sum up, even though some people call the advancement of technology effects into question by considering important problems like air pollution, I believe that its advantages still outweigh its disadvantages. Therefore, if we give scientists and inventors leverage to do their best in order to drive up technological standards day by day, we can witness a world with cleaner environment, healthier people, and more advanced social interactions.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Have you ever had the feeling of leaving your own country behind for an exciting adventure overseas? [5]

I should practice this kind of writing myself to hunt some girls.

come on man we are in 2015, the time that guys hunted girls using letters has way passed, you need to work on your speaking and sense of humor, and of course you need to have money :)))) Buy a Lamborghini, that's the best solution :DDD

as for "on the other hand"--> it is alright, but you know you are supporting your own opinion, and when you say on the other hand it sounds you are going to talk about something different from what you believe :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Do you think that arts need to take a large part of the school timetable? Agree or disagree [4]

oh yes, you are right, I completely missed that part. Can I just add this lacking information in conclusion? For example, I just say that for learning how to be a good artist and using all the mind's potential for achieving the goals mentioned in the body, we need to allocate more time to arts in schools? Or I need to add these points in the body?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Do you think that arts need to take a large part of the school timetable? Agree or disagree [4]

Topic: Some people believe that subjects such as Music, Arts, Drama and Creative Writing will contribute a great deal to children's development; therefore they should take a large part of the school timetable. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Cognitive development is a complex process, through which many abstract concepts start growing up in a child's mind. Psychologists think that arts are powerful tools helping children in this process. Thus, it is believed that various arts such as music, painting, etc., must take more portions of school's educational plans. I utterly agree with this opinion due to several psychological and social reasons.

Arts and the concept of creativity are intertwined, meaning that a creative person can be a good artist and art can also make people creative. When a child is asked to paint without providing him/her with a model, he/she has to draw his imaginations, which is one of the most effective methods for fortifying creativity in a person. In fact, children learn how to build a world outside the real world in their mind. It has been proven that changes in a society are made by people who see things differently. For example, modern designs of buildings, the advent of new philosophies like Marks, or even contemporary drawing styles like cartoons that explain social and political issues, all were needed creative people to be born. In short, if we look for changes in our society, we must work on our children at schools to make them creative by posing them to different artistic environments.

Moreover, artists do not see the world black and white. Many ordinary people judge the world based on their good and bad experiences. Therefore, one can categorize normal people to optimistic and pessimistic individuals. However, arts open new windows towards people. They allow people to come out from their shells and see the world colourful. A writer, for example, has a wide horizon and lives different lives, since he/she needs to create different characters with different personalities, difficulties and social classes. In other words, if we provide children with an opportunity to think artistically, they can enhance their mind to a higher level, so that they can understand various aspects of life and the people around them easily, the facets which are invisible for normal individuals.

Finally, one of the main stages of the mind development is finding a connection between things surrounded us. Arts help us to improve this skill. When we look at glasses, for instance, they are just glasses in our eyes, while an artist see other things such as the light direction and angle, the position of glasses on a table and its relationship with the surrounding environment, or even the objects which are observed through the lenses. Consequently, arts are good practices for sharpening people's minds, and this would be more effective when it is done at the early ages of a person's life.

In light of the aforementioned facts, I believe that arts can immensely affect children's development cause they produce more creative people who see the world more colourful.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Have you ever had the feeling of leaving your own country behind for an exciting adventure overseas? [5]

Hi Kim, here are my suggestions:

The hook is brilliant, but where is the thesis. Believe me the thesis is different from your own opinion. You should reword the prompt first and then declare your agreement/disagreement with it. Without talking one word about traveling in your country or foreign countries you said you prefer to visit other countries rather than your own country.

Exploring has always been one of mankind's innate activities. .

In my opinion if you change the topic sentence to the following one the paragraph becomes clearer. :"Traveling to other lands can quench the thirst of human beings for exploring unknown things. Different cultures, languages and lifestyles are the things that always attract tourists all around the world"

On the other hand

you use "on the other hand" when you want to say something in opposite to what you mentioned before. So, I don't think it is appropriate to be use in this context, as you want to add something that supports your idea. I suggest u to write "in addition", "Moreover", and the like.

Hope you find the comments helpful :)
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

Examiners force me to think about topics which are not in my immediate field of experties, and I make them to think about what I know and they don't :DD just joking :D

Thanks for the clarifications. So, what should I do now, rewrite this topic again? I'm a bit worried about vocab, I think it was not strong enough, right?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

You accidentally concentrated in the field of science rather than the big picture that the essay was asking you to consider. That is, "Do students need to learn how to do practical things in life in school aside from the academic lessons they receive?"

Hi Luisa, Thank you for the perfect sample you provided me. But some of your comments are not clear to me. The prompt asked that "do students need practical skills besides theoretical concepts they learn in schools?", so I replied yes, because of three reasons: practical workshops 1) help students to understand theories, 2) find out their talents, 3) enjoy learning something. Why do you thing what I wrote is not related to the topic, or deviated from the topic? The topic did not ask "HOW they can use sciences in real lives, it just mentioned some examples of practical skills". Practical skills are not limited to cooking, or repairing a car. The fatigue fracture I mentioned in second paragraph is an important branch of engineering and many industrial problems stem from this failure.

refer to the past as a source of factual data for present day discussions.

To be honest I have a problem with this topic, cause the logic behind the topic is wrong. If you want to look deeper, we will come to the conclusion that the issue mentioned in the topic no longer exists, because today there are schools called "Technical and Professional Schools". These schools focus on practical skills and the goal of these schools is that to produce professional workforce. So, even if I want to look over the topic in terms of history of education in schools I reach this idea that the topic is dated and does not belong to this age.

I read your essay and it gave me very good ideas, what I wrote above does not mean that I am defending my work or I don't agree with what you wrote, I only tried to let you know how I feel and think about the topic. I would be happy if you criticize what I argued above :)

Thanks again for your time and help :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

What do you mean by divers? The only definition I know is divers and in Olympic divers... Could you possibly mean engineers who uses various tools? I got confused...

Divers means "various". The words "diversity" and "divers" both have the same root.

Thanks for your comments :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

Topic: Some people think that students at school need to learn practical skills such as repairing a car or maintaining a bank account, in addition to traditional academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and support it with examples.

When I was a high school student I always asked this question to myself that: why should I study pure scientific subjects like physics, chemistry, and the like? I think many other people advocate my opinion that besides theoretical topics, some workshops are also required to immensely ameliorate students skills. Therefore, this essay aims to argue how the implementation of practical workshops and laboratories can help us to make a stronger education system.

To begin with, no theoretical concept is perceived effectively without observing its applications. I am a tutor at the Melbourne University for the subject of Materials. When I give a lecture to my students about fatigue fracture, as an example, they barely see themselves connected to the topic. However, when I show them how a part is failed as a result of alternating loads, which is known as fatigue failure, they completely digest the matter. Thus, if the same system is used for lower degree students, like high school pupils, they will definitely understand subjects more efficiently.

Moreover, providing students with a wide range of workshops will give them a promising opportunity to find out in what profession they are interested. Assume you are studying in a school where different electrical machines, welding equipment, and mechanical testing instruments are available. Posing this educational atmosphere not only familiarizes you with divers industrial environments, but also you can easily recognize in what filed you have talent and probably become successful in your occupational future.

Finally, if schools limit their teaching plans to sciences, the learning atmosphere becomes too strict and even boring for young students. School students are energetic and they need more activities too enjoy their time spending on learning new subjects. If schools take advantage of this fact and employ students' energy to work in workshops, it would positively affect students. In other words, such educative programs that show students how to apply theories in action, change the pure academic school's environment into a place full of sheer joy, where students' professional skills are developed.

In conclusion, the traditional education system, in which only theories are presented, needs a remarkable change. By adding practical workshops not only more skilful students are produced to serve the society, but also it may change schools to fun places.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Making noise as much as you can!! Discuss two viewpoints :) [4]

I think IELTS examiners have run out of interesting topics. What the hell was this topic I just wrote about :)))) anyway, it is what it is, any suggestions are welcomed :) thanks everyone in advance

Topic: Some people think that they can make as much noise as they want, while others think that the amount of noise people make should be strictly controlled. Discuss both views and include your own opinion and examples.

Every night I sleep at 2:00 am and wake up at 5:00 am thanks to noisy neighbours, who speak, listen to music loudly and run parties at their flats. This situation can be the problem of many people in their daily routine life. The issues like this have introduced the idea that noise produced by an individual must be restricted, even though this opinion has its own critics. I am also in agreement with the former group, although for making a better conclusion over the matter, the considerations of both sides of the debates must be examined first.

Those who proclaim the assertion of producing as much noise a person wish to make connect the issue to individual's rights. They believe each person is free and entitled to do whatever he/she prefers to do. It is believed that applying some restrictions of any kind on the right of people in making noise may be extended to limitation of other personal rights. In fact, when a small issue like making noise is banned, other freedoms at greater degrees, like freedom of expression, would gradually be violated, since people of the society who accept restrictions in the name of rules and respecting other people's right, they would admit any other limitations.

The other group of people, however, consider a red-line for freedom of every single person. They believe that individuals can do anything freely, so that they do not invade other people's rights. For instance, if a person listens to music disturbingly loud, he/she takes the right of resting from his/her neighbours. In addition, if we think about the matter more deeply, we will find out that the noises that everybody makes can intensify the issue of noise pollution. Noise pollution, stemming from different sources, ranging from cars' horns to loud songs played on sound systems, not only immensely impact people, but also negatively influences animals. For example, bats' hunting capabilities rely on their hearing sense and under influence of noise pollution their lives would be jeopardized as they cannot hunt and will die of starvation.

In conclusion, although some people try to naively support their opinion of making noise without limitation, I believe that respecting other people's rights and preserving the environment we live in are more important elements that allow us to control the noise made by people. Thus, if no rule is enacted for this issue, both residential rights and wildlife will encounter to serious danger.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Is it better to watch serious movies that are designed to make you think than just to watch? [5]

@Kim: thanks for the clarification. I think you are a good writer, especially your vocabulary is in an advanced level. If you fix the minor issues with writing an introductory paragraph, I'm pretty sure you will get a great score in the TOFEL test. I think you need improve conclusion as well. Writing a very short sentence does not make the last paragraph a good conclusion. If you can end the conclusion with an attractive clincher that would be great, even though it is really hard to write an impressive statement under the pressure of time :(
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 22, 2015
Letters / Garbage is a big global issue nowadays: Discuss on causes and suggest solutions [5]

This is the first time I'm going to post a comment like this: Do you think this short negative sentence would help me to improve my writing? Jut to open a new thread you wrote this useless sentence. Sorry, it is useless cause it does not help at all. Hope I never get any comments from you again
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 22, 2015
Letters / Garbage is a big global issue nowadays: Discuss on causes and suggest solutions [5]

This topic was one of the toughest topics I have written about. I have never seen a topic with three separate questions included :( looking forward to hearing your suggestions :) Thanks in advance :)

Topic: Nowadays the amount of garbage we produce is increasing and it becomes a global problem. Please say
- What are the reasons behind this?
- What can be done to solve this problem?
- Who should take more responsibility, companies or individuals?

The fast paced advancement of technology has changed the appearance of the world through last few decades. Technology has led to the creation of many industries, producing the liquid and solid wastes that adversely affect the environment. However, to solve the problem, finding the causes of the problem is in priority. Thus, this essay is targeting to address the main causes of the matter and suggest some practical solutions, as well as, the roles that industries and ordinary people can play to help raise the issue will be argued.

Inappropriate wastes management is counted as the most significant reason, leading to the worldwide environmental problems. In Tehran, the capital of Iran, as an example, 7000 tons of solid industrial wastes are produced every day that the vast majority part of this volume of garbage is buried or discharged in waters, such as rivers or lakes, threatening many wild lives due to the toxic nature of the wastes. In addition, the immigration of people from rural to urban areas has resulted in an increase in the population density in cities, causing the production of more wastes at those regions. This is the main reason why in metropolises like Beijing or Tehran the municipal wastes have changed into a big issue.

One of the best solutions with regard to waste disposal is the use of modern disposal methods. Anaerobic digestion technology is a new approach for discarding wastes, through which waste materials are decomposed to non-poisonous elements that can be turned back to the nature. Second, since the immigration of individuals from villages to cities is the root of high amount of municipal wastes, authorities should conduct measurements to reduce the increasing trend of immigration. To meet this end, agricultural industries must be developed. For example, the government can help farmers by allocating subsidies to the plantation costs like the water price.

In my opinion, companies should shoulder the more portions of responsibilities. In fact, the application of more suitable management of wastes is something that is out of normal people's province. Moreover, industries can reduce the percentage of harmful wastes by filtering toxic materials and following environmental standards like ISO 14000, which is in direct relationship with the environment.

In light of the above-mentioned facts, one can conclude that the roots of the environmental issues originated from solid and liquid wastes can be traced in bad management of garbage and concentration of population in big cities. If we will to create a cleaner and liveable environment for the next generation, both the government and companies need to collaborate to decrease the amount of wastes by systematic investments and implementation of alternative disposal methods.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Countless student at universities causes comptetion. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or bad? [10]

Take 5 minutes to draft your paper. That means just write down anything that comes to mind in any form. They could be disconnected sentences or just beginnings of paragraphs. It does not matter. Just get the theme and topic for discussion per paragraph written down. Then take 20 minutes to create the body of your paragraphs.

Actually, this is what I do every time, and the 30 minutes that I'm talking about includes that 5 minutes I spend on the editing of the essay. But, the problem of the IELTS test is that you need to write your essay on paper, thus, there is no margin for changing a paragraph or even a sentence. It is not like TOEFL test that you type the essay and you can even change the order of paragraphs if you wish. IELTS test dose not belong to 21st century :))))
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Countless student at universities causes comptetion. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or bad? [10]

No argument coming from me :-)

:) I thought my essay was not clear so made you think I was opposed to the competition at unis. I always copy your ideas you provide me with in a separate MS word file, so yes, they are really really helpful.

an ESL learner.

I wish I was an ESL, unfortunately I'm an EFL :(

I don't think you should mention the industrial revolution at the start of the essay though since that is a hallmark of the 20th century evolution of mankind and society. The 21st century is embodied by the rapid technological evolution and hunger for knowledge that the technology allows people to feed upon

Actually, when I wrote the introduction I realized this point, but it was too late :)) cause I post whatever I finish in 30 minutes to see your opinion on the work finished in this time limit.

Thanks again for your help :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / Countless student at universities causes comptetion. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or bad? [10]

This makes the competition a good thing, not a bad thing and thus, makes it a good development

Luisa, I did not say it is a bad thing. My examples are based on my personal experience, as a person who is studying in the current century. I said it has positive influences on students, such as producing more qualified students, improving social behaviour of students, introducing better workforce. I appreciate your suggestions and good ideas you have provided anyway.

Would you please let me know how well the essay was written in terms of grammar, vocab, coherency, structure? Thanks
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: environment issues are far too difficult for ordinary people to comprehend [3]

Hi Kim, Another good work. But you cannot find a perfect essay, even those written by experts. First, I strongly recommend you to keep your essay below 400 words, cause the more you write, the more mistakes would be found in the text, thus, the mark will be reduced. Besides, time limit and stress of a real test will be the additional problems.

Now my comments on your work. Hope you find them useful

When the industrial revolution took place back in the 1800's, many workers were oblivious to what would happen to the atmosphere if they continued to emit pollution in the air. This neglect of science evolved to the great global warming dilemma the present environmentalists face these days. However, the public does not understand the situation entirely just like the workers back in the 1800's because the complexnesscomplexity of science. Despite the complexness (repetition. You can use the word "the intricate/complicate nature of XXX) of environmental issues, individuals can nevertheless(you cannot use "nevertheless" in the middle of a sentence. There is a difference between "however" and "nevertheless".) , mitigate the whole problem even with the most trivial actions such as conserving energy or donating and supporting green organizations.

This hook is really good, well done. But, remember you should not mix your own opinion with the thesis, cause it makes the text confusing. Write the thesis and your opinion separately.

mitigate the whole problem even with the most trivial actions such as conserving energy or donating and supporting green organizations.

As I told you before you include many details in the introduction so the reader does not need to read the rest of the essay. You should not discuss anything in the introduction. You could simply say that "I believe that even ordinary individuals can play vital roles in this matter by changing their lifestyles and running social activities". In this way you keep the reader interested to continue reading. Make the reader think that what kind of change in lifestyle would help the issue, what social activities raise the problem?

the outcome is clean air for both nature and people to enjoy and stable economy without overusing recyclable objects

In addition, the world will remain clean for nature and mankind to prosper together.

Can you see the redundancy?

This ideal world dreamed from environmentalists can be turned to reality if we, as residents of Earth, cooperate with and sacrifice for each other. Although the environment issues are beyond comprehension for the majority of people, this majority group can trigger a humongous change even with the most trivial act like conserving energy or reusing recyclable objects.

This is a very loooong concluding sentence. Concluding sentence should summarize the whole paragraph briefly.

can profoundly support any organizations and even contribute to the war against pollution

the complexity behind these issuesthat .

In conclusion, even though some people believe that environment issues are far too difficult for ordinary people to comprehend, but nevertheless,I thinkthis does not necessarily mean that these individuals are completely useless. Bythey can still make a meaningful contribution to the improvement of the issue by conserving energy as a whole world and supporting environmental organizations. Thus, if we marginalize normal people completely, the goal of living in a clean environment would have become a dream that never comes true.they can make the greatest impact that can totally rejuvenate the world we live in now .

Cheers,
Ahmad

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