Writing Feedback / Spending money on appearance: right or wrong? Discuss both sides [8]


Thanks for your suggestions, now I can see the other side of the coin. I wish I could do what you said, but I'm too busy for doing this. Writing thesis, papers, reports, conducting experiments, characterizing samples and many other life problems all limit my time. Besides all these things, I have to work on my English, the only time I have is after 6pm (the time of the day that I'm almost dying of fatigue), and I still haven't started getting prepared for other skills like reading, listening--so stressful. Anyway, I will try to read more newspapers and magazines, whenever I find time


I just tried to explain how the critics think and somehow I wanted to implicitly say that their arguments are not that strong, but I guess I made it a bit vague :(


Thanks for providing this beautiful paragraph. I would memorize some phrases to use them in my future works :)))

Thanks for helping :)

Writing Feedback / Most people have watched a comedy show on TV with their families at least once in their lives; TOEFL [6]


it is a good motivator, I liked it, but the problem is that you sacrificed the thesis to the hook, cause you did not want to spend more time on the introduction and you was probably in rush to get to the body as soon as possible. As Luisa also mentioned you should clearly let the reader know that what side of the argument you tend to take.


I don have any idea aboit TOEFL test, but I know that rules for writing a 5 paragraph essay are the same. One supporting sentence is enough. One example is more than enough. In body paragraph 1 you used one example but you elaborated it unnecessarily, in some part redundant to be honest with you (just my opinion)


if you have 30 minutes, you should manage to finish writing in 25 minutes and spend 5 minutes on editing your work.

overall, you write well. I like the words you use. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Most people have watched a comedy show on TV with their families at least once in their lives; TOEFL [6]

Most people have watched a comedy show on television with their families at least once in their lives. The feeling of laughing together alongside family members is a powerful emotion undistinguishable(indistinguishable) to other emotionsfeelings (avoid repetition) . Television was and is the prime tool for entertainmententertainingfor families, friends, lovers, and even pets. Therefore, the purpose of television should never be viewed as an educational toolforeducation because the entertainment industry will plummet drastically and the charming points of individual culture will disappear (the introduction should not have too much details. You need to keep the reader interested in continuing reading the rest of the essay. In fact, you explain everything in the introduction. Chop off some details from the introduction and the thesis was a bit unclear.) .

Every year, numerous prominent actors who dedicated their lives on screens, are heralded for thousands of awards and honorable mentions. This fact alone indicates that the entertainment industry is immense and ranks as one of the most prosperous market of any markets. These actors and actresses make millions of dollars and most of this income is from dramas, game shows, or talks which are all displayed on the television(I think it is not necessary to explain how much they earn cause the topic is revolving over sth else.) . If the television was to be restricted to show only education channels, through what means will these actors display their works to? Indeed, to alter the purpose of television to education is the same act of dismissing every actor on screen which would drastically decrease profit from acting. To be more specific, there are thousands of crew members required to product a single television show. To dismiss every member would cause a colossal recession and unemployment. The US's main profit is through entertainment and they will surely suffer from depression. As anyone can see, the effect of this is too risky and dangerous. Therefore, the thought of switching the objective of the television to education is downright preposterous for it will debilitate the entertainment industry and cause a major unemployment dilemma (good body paragraph but too long. You could present it more briefly. You could simply say that show business provides many job opportunities that benefits many people ...) .

In addition, the number one purpose of television's purposewas originally forhas been always entertainment and the audience happily accepted it with open arms. Altering the very core of television will no longer please the audience,which will resulting in the television getting neglected heavily. In effect, the word 'television' will no longer be associated with everyday jargon for it has changed and abandoned its original purpose. Television is a major part of culture, displaying the uniqueness of the things around people. We learn how to make dishes, where to travel, and how to exercise using the television. Not only that, teenagers listen to the latest music, watch sport outcomes, and laugh at comedy shows through the television. To change the purpose of television would be ripping a major part of culture away as well. For example, if Korean television changed into education, the nation would be in an uproar. In Korea, it is customary to always gather other friends and family members to watch a soccer game together. These mad soccer fans would have no other means to watch their proud players going against another country. To change the television would be altering the very core of culture of a country. Thus, televisions should never reverse to education because that would destroy the culture of a country. (again good body paragraph but too long. If you can manage your time it is fine though)

To summarize, televisions cannot change into education because it would drastically debilitate the entertainment market and destroy a country's culture.

btw, wish your football team luck in Asian cup :))

Writing Feedback / Countless student at universities causes comptetion. Do you agree or disagree? Is it a good or bad? [10]


yes you are right, I should have written "hard".


the problem is that the topic is too broad. These topics are reworded by IELTS takers and in most of the cases they are misworded. As you can see this topic contains two different subjects; (1) Do I agree with the fact that there is a competitive atmosphere in unis, (2) dose this situation have positive or negative influence?

as you can see a broad topic must be written only in 30 minutes. The essay is already too long :)

Thanks anyway for your help
Cheers,
Ahmad

Undergraduate / People learn more by watching TV - the news updates incessantly feeds information to its watchers [8]

By the way, my name is Ahmad, so please keep it informal and feel free call me Ahmad. I'm an English learner too. So, what I say cannot be considered as expertly views :)

Undergraduate / People learn more by watching TV - the news updates incessantly feeds information to its watchers [8]


you should not come to a conclusion through a hook. For example you could say "For years people were attached to imaginary characters created by writers. However,they always had a dream to watch those characters in a more realistic way than their imaginations. By the invention of TV this dream came true. However, today TV has changed into an inseparable part of our daily lives, so we receive loads of information from various TV programs, ranging from entertaining shows to news. In the light of this fact, some people think that the contemperary age is the TV era and books cannot play roles in the education of individuals as effectively as they could in the past. I utterly agree with this opinion due to XXX and YY reasons"

Writing Feedback / Spending money on appearance: right or wrong? Discuss both sides [8]

Hi Luisa,
I added some lines and changed a few words, which all have been written in blue color below. I wrote my opinion in a split paragraph, but I'm not sure if I can do it for the future works as it may take a lot of time and I'm afraid I cannot finish writing in 30 minutes. It is a good idea though, and I will try to get used to it. Looking forward to your comments :)

Human beings are instinctively attracted to beauty and, accordingly, do everything to manipulate the environment they live in so they can quench this feeling. Some people go one step further and pay a lot of attention to their appearance, thus, spend their money on clothes, shoes, and the like. However, this behaviour is questioned by critics who believe there are better ways for spending money. I admit that I am categorized in the former group, even though the other group of people overlook important considerations. Hence, this essay aims to address each group's reasons to provide a better understanding of the matter.

Those who are against the idea of spending money on appearance think that there are more crucial issues deserveto be invested in. Saving money to build a brighter future is the statement they naively use to convince people about their opinion. As an example, if a person who spends $2000 on suits every year, saves this sum for four years he could buy a well-conditioned car instead. These types of playing with numbers(not sure about this part of the sentence whether it is correct) are sometimes generated to more expensive items like winning a house auction and so on.

The other side of the debate, however, believe that being good looking is not just about beauty, it brings many social benefits. First, it increases the level of confidence. There are social experiments proved that young girls at the age range of 13-25, who wear makeup, participate in more social activities due to their greater confidence. Second, wearing neat clothes has always a positive effect in first expression, which is an imperative element in our social life. People normally are attracted to those who are looking good, simply because this is the human's intuition. In short, spending money on appearance may be seemed unimportant, but if we look deeper it is a deciding factor in our social communications.

In my opinion, the reasons indicated by the followers of the idea of spending money on appearance are more legitimate. Everything in life is related to our social lives and that is why a human called a "social animal". In addition, the amount of money spent on appearance will never reach a level to make a big change in life. It is not rational to expect that we can buy a house, a car and run a business just by saving the money spent on shoes, haircut, clothes, etc. If that were the case, all the critics would be millionaires.

In conclusion, although the view of allocating a constant budget to appearance may sometimes be attacked, as it is deemed wasting money, its positive social effects are undeniable, so one can conclude that a society where being attractive and appealing is on its priority, would be more advanced socially.

Undergraduate / People learn more by watching TV - the news updates incessantly feeds information to its watchers [8]


an essay must be opened with a hook. The easiest way for writing a motivator is to give the reader some general information. For example talking about history or things that needs to happen for make something popular or obsolescent in the society.

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / People learn more by watching TV - the news updates incessantly feeds information to its watchers [8]

I would say that your vocabulary and grammar are reasonably good. However, I recognized some issues I pointed them out below. Hope you find my comments useful

In conclusion, televisions have the supremacy in educating their audiences over books due to their colorful visuals and immediate updates in news.

Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Spending money on appearance: right or wrong? Discuss both sides [8]

Thank you Luisa for the valuable comments on both of my works I posted today. I'm not going to argue over what I wrote I just have a question. I'm really confused with an essay structure. I had an IELTS mentor two years ago and she was also a native English speaker with an excellent writing skills. She said for the writer opinion should be stated in the conclusion except for the "agree and disagree" topics that needs to be written at the introduction. This is the structure suggested in the book "practical writing with reading" too. I'm not trying to say who is right or wrong. I'm just saying it to know your opinion on it.

And if I mentioned my opinion at the end of the introduction, and then start talking about two different viewpoints in the body, doesn't it ruin the coherency of the essay? how can I write my opinion and still keep the unity. Maybe it is a better idea to my introduction first and then post it here to see your comments on it.

It is 9:51pm here, and I am still at the office. Shall I revise the essay tomorrow, and post it here again. Thanks again for your help :)

Writing Feedback / Spend money on computers or teachers' wages? discuss both viewpoints [6]

Hi Luisa, I wrote this topic again. Please have a look at this revision (while you are reading second paragraph, you may say that all documents available in the internet have been written by humans, and all of them are TEACHERs. But, this is what the supporter of the computer-based education believe in and this is not my fault :D. We have a meeting every week with our supervisor and this is one of the topics we sometimes discuss on. Believe me, this is where the modern education system is going :)))

OK, now here is my essay. Hope it is more satisfactory than the previous one (please brutally criticize the essay :O)
Topic:Some people say that schools should spend more money on computers, others say that more money should be spent on teachers' wages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The advent of the internet has changed computers into powerful tools that could influence many aspects of our life, in particular education. The availability of a huge volume of online information has introduced the idea of the replacement of teachers with computers. Accordingly, the people who advocate this opinion believe that schools need to invest more in providing students with upgraded computers rather than increasing teachers' salaries and hiring more mentors. However, this idea has serious critics, who think because of complex nature of education, teachers cannot be eliminated from the equation. Hence, the question that must be asked is: which side of the debate indicate more persuasive reasons?

The supporters of the computer-based classrooms emphasize on the fact that all the educational resources are accessible in the internet. Powerful search engines like google can offer students with loads of documents, tutorials and instructions just by choosing an appropriate keyword. Therefore, they believe the new education system may only need a few full time staffs as teachers and the majority part of the education budgets must go to equipping schools with computers.

On the other side of the argument, it is claimed that the followers of the computer-centered education have not realized how complicated a teacher's work is. The responsibility of a teacher does not limit to transferring knowledge to students. The main job of him/her, however, is to show how theoretical information is applied in practice. In addition, traditional classrooms have the privilege of one-on-one communication that gives students a chance to directly ask their questions. Nevertheless, teachers cannot do their jobs in a perfect way without the feeling of job satisfaction. Higher salary can give them incentive to make a better contribution to the students' learning process. Moreover, if teachers earn more money they are not obliged to work two or three shifts for affording living expenses. The fatigue stemming from long time work would negatively influence their productivity.

In conclusion, although computers can help students to have access to a wide range of educative online resources, I believe they will never take teacher's positions. Teaching is an intricate process that only humans can do it, and for being done flawlessly by a teacher, job satisfaction is a need. The latter point is only achievable by rising up the wages of teachers to put more effort and produce better students.

Writing Feedback / Should the government spend money on outer space projects? [6]

wow, Luisa I am speechless of what you've done for me. You wrote a perfect essay and spent your valuable time merely to help me. Thank you very much.

While I was writing the essay both my ideas and yours were mixed, and time was running. I do my best, even though the essays I wrote through last two days were disappointing. I have only 3 months to bring up my writing skills and this is almost impossible. But at least I can try. Fingers crossed.

Thanks again for your help :)

Writing Feedback / Should the government spend money on outer space projects? [6]

I rewrote the essay again and in one part of my discussion I also used your ideas. Still not sure if I could write it well. To be honest I don't like what I wrote:

Writing Feedback / Spend money on computers or teachers' wages? discuss both viewpoints [6]


what you say is true, but believe it or not this is what is happening. for making a video a part time staff, with low price, or sometimes free tutors are enough. For instance melb uni dismissed more than 500 staffs, both academic and professional, last year. The policy of the current education in most parts of the world is that we do not need the traditional education system anymore.

anyway, I'm rewriting this essay, but not sure how different the new version would be :(

Writing Feedback / Information war in my motherland, Ukraine. Small essay about mass media (302 words) [6]

OK I copied an example from the book "practical writing with reading" below:
Do you realize that newly born children are not even aware that parts of their bodies belong to them? I learned this fascinating fact
in my psychology course from a book that says a baby "lies on his back, kicking his heels and watching the little fists flying past his

face. But only very slowly does he come to know that they are attached to him and he can control them" (Mary Ann Spencer

Pulaski, Understanding Piaget, page 21).(Motivator)Children have a lot of learning to do before they can see the world-and themselves- through grown-up eyes. As children pass through this remarkable process of growing up, they often do some humorous things(thesis), especially in learning to speak, in discovering that all objects do not have human characteristics, and in trying to imitate others around them.(blueprint

A motivator can be a question, a proverb, a quotation, story or simply a statement that gives some general information. As you can see in the introduction above, it's been opened with a question. Opening the introduction with a question is really difficult and I don't recommend that to you as you need be really professional in writing to do it perfectly. General information is the best way of writing a motivator, as I normally do too.

Writing Feedback / Information war in my motherland, Ukraine. Small essay about mass media (302 words) [6]


OK, the topic is an "agree or disagree" one. at the end of the introduction you need to clearly declare your agreement or disagreement with the topic, and then write a blueprint. The blueprint provides the reader with clues that over what issues your are going to discuss in the body.

Writing Feedback / Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers? [10]

Here is my second effort. Hope this one is better than the previous one :)

We may logically think we select our paths in life. However, a precise examination of people's lives reveals that there are always hidden social forces that steer them toward a direction they are at now. These forces can be peer groups, parents and teachers, moulding our personalities, social statuses, and self-esteems. Nevertheless, some people believe that among these influences, peers play the most pivotal role in anybody's socialization. In my perspective, however, parent or schools, in particular teachers, affect our social life more significantly due to several social reasons.

To begin with, parents are the first, and the most effective role models for youngsters. Children imitate their parents in everything, including the way they speak, laugh, eat and interact with other people. For example, verbal fights are inseparable parts of the atmosphere of low social class families. As a consequence, a child raised in such an atmosphere will be an angry person with low socialization skills.

Second, parental heritages, such as culture and religion, are other elements that influence a person's socialization. To be specific, a girl who grows up in a Muslim family is obliged to cover her hair even if she lives in a free country like the US. In other words, what a person acquire from his/her family is almost invariable, even by living in a society with utterly different social norms.

Finally, schools are known as second homes of young people, where their social life expanded. The activities they need to do at schools teach youngsters how to behave in a more formal environment. For instance, students learn how to talk to a teacher, principal, or other staffs. Furthermore, the tasks required by teachers in forms of group works or different projects make students disciplined and responsible for what they are asked to do.

To sum up, although it is believed that communication of young people with individuals at their own age groups is the strongest social force exerted on youngsters, I think socialization is more under influence of parents and teachers. In fact, if we seek a better society, we need to lead families and schools to right directions to provide us with a better generation with a brighter future.

Writing Feedback / Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers? [10]

thanks for your quick response. If you are a teacher u must be a kind and generous teacher, since I think 8 is too much for me :))) I score myself much less than this. Thanks again. Hope you can go through the new version of this topic that I'm going to post here tomorrow. Your comments help me to find my weak points :)

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

thanks for your valuable suggestions. Just one question about the line quoted above. This line only says that the paper is going to discuss how ads affect our society, but the term "effective ad" mentioned in the prompt meant an ad that improves marketing. Am I right?

Writing Feedback / Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers? [10]


Thanks Luisa. I don't really want to be defensive about what I wrote and I totally agree with all your valid comments, but the term "socialization process" is commonly used by sociologists and it is used in this way.

Thanks again for your help. I'll try to rewrite this essay later. Just one question do you think my essays are weak in terms of vocabulary and grammar? lexical resource and grammar are really important and I need to know at what level I am. If you want to score them out of 9, what mark it would be? Thanks

Writing Feedback / The best way to console the person is by patting him on a shoulder or silently hugging him [3]


motivator+thesis statement+your opinion: follow this structure for writing an introduction. The thesis statement is not clear in this essay. You need to make it clear for the reader that you are going to argue about what issue(s).


why? you tried to support the first sentence using an example, but the only different between first and the second sentence is that you replaced :most of us" with "I".

a body paragraph starts with a topic sentence that includes "general idea and precise idea". Then a supporting sentence should be added to support what is mentioned in the topic sentence. Make supporting sentence as believable as possible


you actually opened a body paragraph with a supporting sentence. Please follow the structure I suggested above.

hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Information war in my motherland, Ukraine. Small essay about mass media (302 words) [6]

Can you provide us with full prompt please?
It is undeniable fact that information is very powerful thing, which can connect hearts and ignite wars,it is also a major tool of world ruling. Thus getting right information is very crucial.--> an introduction opens with a motivator, followed by a thesis statement and finally your opinion if the topic is "agree or disagree". When you talk about wars triggered by "information", I, as a reader, expect to read the thesis statement to understand what you meant by wars and find out over what issues the essay is revolving.

We live in the century ofThe contemporary era is usually called theexploded information age , wheresince almost everyone has an access to different information sources all over the world, such aswe have newspapers, magazines ,radio, TV and the most important - the Internet. Unfortunately all this variety sometimes can lead to undesirable result, asso-called information war, as it is now happening in my motherland, Ukraine. If you read everyday's news you may know that there is a big tension between Russia and Ukraine, and two countries' common citizents believe in their own truth. All Russian information resources are broadcasting a story that Russia is a neutral party in a conflict and Ukrainian politicians play a hard game, Ukrainian media ,in it's turn, exposed Russian "evil" actions. Citizens suppressed by this media information started getting on one of two sides.--> I think you need to separate the concept of "propaganda" from "information war". For example, cyberattacks conducted by hackers is an example of information war, what you are talking about is the role of the media as the propaganda machines

My point is that it is very difficult task to tell the truth from lie, specifically nowadays.All the information which we see, hear, belongs to someone, who has rights to change the truth before posting it; media is gatekeeper who filter everything before it goes public.

Make no bones it is easy to believe in lies. There is one Chinese proverb sayingsays "Three men make a tiger", it means that if three people tell you the same lie you will finally believe that it is the common truth, moreover your imagination and physiological nature will help you to "see" non-existent OR imaginary tiger.

In the end I want to say: keep your eyes open but before making any conclusions listen to your heart. A tremendous amount of information often does not reveal the real situation but just confuse the receiver and take him away from the reliable sources.

Hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

I almost rewrote the essay. Would you please have a look at this version. Thank you :)

Hundreds of advertising methods have been developed, ranging from online advertisements to environmental ones, which all have the same aim of introducing a product and encouraging customers to buy it. To obtain this goal companies and traders need to find the most effective ways for conveying commercial messages. However, depending on how the advertisements are presented they might be followed by both positive and negative influences on the society, which will be addressed in this essay

A good advertisement with a high level of effectiveness must be adopted to the social norms of the society the advertisement is designed for. For instance, the promotions made for perfumes, featuring pretty female and male models, are acceptable and in many cases impressive in western countries, but they cannot be viewed as appropriate advertising in Islamic countries. In addition, an advertisement must be recalled easily. Visual promotions, such as the ones presented on posters, are saved in the photographic memory of people, remaining in the mind for a longer time. However, the colors and graphic designs shown in posters must not negatively influence customers. To be specific, dark colors or gratuitous action scenes in some commercial videos are not recommended as they convey negative messages to recipient or even increase violence in a society.

According to what was stated above, the wrong presentation of commercial messages may negatively affect the social values of a society or even inadvertently increase violence in the society. Nevertheless, if we assume that the problems stemmed from promotions are raised by finding suitable advertising methods, advertisements would bring undeniable advantages to the society. A country can thrive when adverting develops trade in both national and international levels, contributing to the betterment of the country's economic conditions. As an example, Apple company in the US is a famous company manufacturing different models of smart phones and computers. This company owes its successes to systematic and correct advertising that introduce it to countries all around the world. The prosperous marketing of this company not only drives up the economy of the US, but also it provides jobs for many. This company is only an example that shows how powerful the advertising is that can improve living standards of a society by ameliorating financial conditions, decreasing unemployment rate and poverty.

In conclusion, at the same time that companies invent new advertising methods to make them as impressive as possible, they unintentionally influence the society in both good and bad ways. In my opinion, as long as the advertisements constructively make customers familiar with different goods, not only they can improve the society's conditions financially, but also they can bring up the living quality of people based on what was argued above.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

Thanks Louisa. I'm not sure if I get you. Do you mean I have to discuss both parts of the topic together in each paragraph? For example start a paragraph talking about effective advertising method and then connect it to its good or bad effects on the society?

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

thanks Kevin. useful comments as usual, but this is an IELTS writing test, so I have to rely on my own knowledge and experience. But, it might be a good idea to google the topic to get more information about advertising if in the future I face the same subject to write about.

Thanks again for your help
Cheers,
Ahmad

Undergraduate / If my father hadn't won a lottery for a visa to the USA then my life would be terribly different [4]


Yes, I think it is still negative. btw, it is a better idea to talk more about inspirational role of those people you met in your trip and highlight it as an experience that gave you incentive to have a meaningful contribution to the society. This would be more impressive than talking about your father and his good luck in winning the lottery

Writing Feedback / How do you show your appreciation to your family and friends-agree or disagree [4]

Thank you very much for your feedback. Actually this topic is really confusing as an "agree or disagree" usually starts with a statement and asks us to say to what extend we agree or disagree with the statement. In this topic there are two different viewpoints and it is asked whether I agree or disagree. Agree or disagree with what? agree or disagree with the fact that there are two viewpoints?!!! isn't it strange? actually this is a topic an IELTS taker posted on a weblog and I think it should be a kind of topic that asks to argue over both viewpoints. If this were the case, I would write one paragraph about physical gifts, one paragraph social presents and finally give my own opinion, as you somehow suggested. But the topic is agree or disagree and I had to choose one side. Do you think the topic could have been a different type and the IELTS taker might reword the topic in a wrong way? Do you think I am right about what said above?

btw, did you see any grammar errors or wrong choice of words?

Thanks again for your help. Really appreciate it

Undergraduate / If my father hadn't won a lottery for a visa to the USA then my life would be terribly different [4]

Can u provide us with full prompt?


omg, this sentence is too negative. Life is going on in other countries too. Many people live outside the US and they are way happier than Americans. I know what you meant but your sentence conveys a very wrong message. revise it plz.


delete that part I mentioned above and combine the first sentence and this sentence as one. btw, I think this opening statement could be a bit more interesting. I mean "american dreams" or "having good education systems" sounds cliche (just my opinion)

My suggestion: I think you should open the essay with a statement about people who do not have access to high quality education, then connect it to your experience. Talk in details about your experience in the body section and finally come to the conclusion that you, as a person who had a chance to study in a wold-class education system, can make a better contribution to the society or you can also add those people who worked hard to study in the hardest situation one can ever imagine have inspired you.

hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / What is one important "easy answer" that we should resist? what dangerous misconceptions hold? [6]

I don know what criteria your mentor is going to consider for marking your work, but in the IELTS/TOEFL writing point of view an essay without a conclusion is viewed as an incomplete essay, and thus, no mark is allocated to it. But, let's ignore the latter point, and score your essay, even though I'm not an examiner. I would score the essay based on three parameters as follows:

1. Vocabulary: 10 out of 12
2. Grammar: 7.5 out of 12 (there were lots of grammar errors in your essay, especially in terms of tenses)
3. Organization of ideas: 7 out of 12
so the average of the points is 8. This is just my opinion, and it is not necessarily your mark. You may get a better score than this. Don't take this score serious plz :))

Good luck,
Cheers, Ahmad

Writing Feedback / What is one important "easy answer" that we should resist? what dangerous misconceptions hold? [6]

I think you need to organize your ideas more wisely. What I suggest is that to start each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence. You need to let the reader know what topic is going to be discussed in each paragraph. You provided many examples in the body section, but I, as a reader, couldn't get what each paragraph aims to convey. Make your ideas more clear and classified.

And it is better to end the essay with a conclusion.

Hope the comments help,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Grammar, Usage / Deep sea conditions / process of custard making - answering grammar questions [2]


if you mean that a noun is required, you should know that "cold" can be either adjective and noun.


The sentence is in passive voice. "if allowed"--> "if it is allowed", so it is better to write the entire sentence in passive voice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Women absolutely dominate in two fields' - male and female teachers [8]

One more thing. Please check the words "dominant" and "dominate" with your dictionary to understand their differences :) In some sentences u could use "dominant" instead of "dominate", in this way u could avoid repetition.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Women absolutely dominate in two fields' - male and female teachers [8]

There are several issues with your essay. First of all, you need to classify the data given in a table, chart, etc., then allocate one paragraph to each category of results. Organization of data is really really important. Second of all, you HAVE TO compare data to each other. How much sth is bigger or smaller than sth else. You also need to use better vocabulary, avoid any repetition. Please, pay attention to the time and place as well. And finally, use transitions to connect sentences to each other; For example: "interestingly the graph shows ...", "the table is indicative of the fact that...", "The graph also indicates that...", "The results revealed ...", and the like)

Hope you find the comments helpful,
Good luck. Cheers, Ahmad