Writing Feedback / 'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life [6]

I strongly recommend you to read the book "The Practical Writer with Readings". This book starts with paragraph writing and finally guides you how to write a 5 paragraph essay. Very interesting and helpful book. You can find download links if simply google the title of the book. OR the easier way is that to provide me with an email address to send the book to you. Cheers,

Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life [6]

Is this work supposed to be an essay? I'm not familiar with TOEFL test, but if you want to write an essay you need to follow the structure I've written below (please let me know what your work is exactly about, if I am wrong):

1. Introduction [motivator+thesis+your own opinion+blueprint]
2. body paragraph [topic sentence + supporting statement+ concluding statement (optional)]
3. body paragraph
4. conclusion [reword thesis and then add a clincher]

hope this helps,
Regards,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / divorce: Causes and effects on children [11]

How can we help you?
I think it's a good idea to post one of the essays you've recently written. Other people will comment on your work and show you how to organize your essay, what transitions are appropriate to be used, etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Could Fame Be All Good? [10]

I just wrote what came to my mind as an example. What you wrote as an introduction was fine though. But the following example may give you some ideas to improve what you've already known about introduction's structure.

Celebrities have always been the center of people's and media's attention due to their newsworthy lifestyle (general information as a motivator) . Having attention of people has always brought both advantages and disadvantages to famous individuals. The question goes through the mind is that "do the benefits of being a celebrity outweigh its downsides?" (thesis statement which shows what is the main idea of the essay) . To answer this question both sides of the issue, either advantages and disadvantages, must be asserted (blueprint. This sentence shows that what issues are going to be discussed in the body) .

Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Could Fame Be All Good? [10]


Hi tiaDS,
If you don't mind I would like to put some comments on this introduction. First of all, thesis is not your opinion. In fact, thesis depicts the main idea of the essay. To write a thesis statement you need to reword the topic. And background is also a different thing. Each introduction should be started with a motivator or a hook, as u said. A motivator can provide some general information too. So, motivator and general background are literally the same. So, an introduction starts with a motivator, then thesis, and finally your opinion and blueprint.

Second of all, it would be better to mention your opinion in the conclusion when you are writing an essay which is not an "agree or disagree" type. Different writing experts have different opinions about the later point though.

Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Could Fame Be All Good? [10]

Just some minor points:



:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'The apple never falls far from the tree' - Parents should teach children [10]

Can you please post the full prompt to see what type of topic it is?? if it is "agree or disagree" you need to just take one position, because of "OR". The "OR" means that you can either be in agreement OR disagreement with the statement. If it is a topic that asked you to argue two different viewpoints, you needed one paragraph for each, as I mentioned earlier. In each paragraph you have to provide some supporting sentences for each side of the discussion, each paragraph needs its own topic sentence.

You can continue writing your essays using the same structure you applied on this essay, but believe me, this structure is not appropriate for the IELTS test.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'The apple never falls far from the tree' - Parents should teach children [10]


It would be better to mention why you took this position. Based on what main issues you think parents influence socialization process more effectively than teachers?

Although you are good in grammar, in a real IELTS test your mark would be very low, if you write a one-body paragraph essay. You need at least TWO body paragraphs to support your ideas. Is this an "agree or disagree" topic? If yes, you do not need to cover both viewpoints stated in the topic, just focus on YOUR OWN OPINION, either agree or disagree with the topic.

This body paragraph does not have a good topic sentence. A topic sentence includes two main parts: General idea and precise idea. So, stick to this structure to make it clear for the reader what you want to say through a paragraph.

If the topic asked you to discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion, you should have allocated one paragraph to each opinion, and then pointed out your own opinion in concluding paragraph.

Let's assume the topic was an "agree or disagree" one. So, I recommend you to follow the structure written below:
Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement+your own opinion+ blueprint (the reasons why you are in agreement/disagreement with the topic. It must be very short, 2 or 3 words)

Body paragraph one (topic sentence+supporting sentence+ concluding sentence (optional)
Body paragraph two
Conclusion: reword the thesis statement+clincher

Actually, you wrote a good introduction, and i also liked your supporting sentences, but there were some issues with the essay's structure that I stated above.

Hope this helps,
Good luck,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree? People should read only real books. [5]

Please use the following structure for writing an essay (an "agree or disagree" one):
1. Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement+ your own opinion (either agree or disagree)+ blueprint
2. Body paragraph 1 (Topic sentence, including general and precise ideas + one supporting sentence, which can be an example, statistics, quotations, a study conducted by a researcher, etc.)

3. Body paragraph 2
4. Conclusion: reword the topic or the first paragraph+ ending statement or clincher

For other types of topics different structures are suggested, but first start with this type.
Read as many texts as possible to improve your grammar and vocabulary.

Hope this helps.
Good luck,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / When I was 8 years old, I learnt how to play a guitar and sing popular songs [3]

Can u please post the prompt? What is the aim of this essay?


---> I prefer to use "After a short time" instead of "quickly".



Do not use constrictions in writing (if it is a formal writing)


Why???

Good luck,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS pie chart and table - agricultural crisis [6]

Overall, the region affected by majority of land degradation during 1990 was Europe. Whereas, the main reason of land degradation all over the world was over-grazing (It is much better to move this general trend to the end of the introduction. The conclusion must be something on the basis of the body, which is different from general trend.) .

Good job,
Hope you find the comments useful.

Writing Feedback / There are more benefits to travel in your own country than travelling in foreign [4]

Please post the full topic for the next time, cause it helps us know what topic it is
Over the last decade, the number of domestic and international travellers has significantly increased the world over(I prefer "all around the world". what u wrote was fine though) . While some opine that there are more advantages in a domestic travel, others argue that overseas travel has potential benefits. To my mind, the positives of local travel are on par with international travel (It would be better if you could briefly mention why you took this position (blueprint). good introduction though) .

On the one hand, there are many pros of travelling in our own country. The primary advantage is that there is no visa required for travelling inside the nation. For example, a friend of mine has been rejected US visa 6(write the numbers below 10 in words) times even though he provided genuine documents. AtIn the end, he planned one month trip to North India after wasting 3 months in preparing documents for visa application. From this, it is clear that domestic travel has substantial benefits. (when you use the phrases like "many pros", "the primary advantage" the reader expects to read more than one advantages through the paragraph, while u just talked about only one benefit of domestic travelling)

(what kind of topic is this? If it is an "agree or disagree" topic you need to take one position, either agree or disagree, and then support your opinion over at least two paragraphs) On the other hand, one of the main advantages of international travel is the exposure that a traveler gets towards different cultures. For instance, I went to Australia for my higher education in 2008. In addition to my studies, I learned many things about the people and their habits (what habits are u addressing? If you state more details you can make the supporting sentence more believable and tangible.) . In fact, I came to know about the meaning of life by socialising with people from a wide variety of backgrounds. While considering this, it is agreed that travelling to foreign lands will be an advantage.

As this essay showsAccording to what was discussed above, it can be concluded that there are equal number of benefits of domestic and international travel, in my opinion,(a bit hard to come to this conclusion by stating only one benefit of each type of travelling. I mean it is not that convincing. If this topic is an "advantages and disadvantages" one, the better idea is to point out more advantages for one of them, either local or overseas travelling, and then get to the conclusion that the advantages of local traveling, for example, is more than the international one). people should make use of these while planning trips. It is hoped that the public will increase their local and overseas travel in the future.

Please add the prompt for the next time. Different topics need different structures and organization of paragraphs.
Hope you find the comments helpful,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Customs and behaviours followed by tourists or host should welcome. [8]


No, what's the topic of your essay? Is that an "agree or disagree" one? Does the prompt ask you to discuss two viewpoints? Does the topic ask to write about advantages & disadvantages of sth?

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Increased taxation on petrol and diesel fuel to discourage private cars? [12]


Position means your opinion (agree or disagree). In this case your position is your disagreement with the statement pointed out in the topic.


Some examiners are strict and may reduce your mark if you do that, because for writing an essay you need to exactly answer what the topic asks. The topic did not ask you to discuss two different viewpoints (this is another type of topic, where you may see a sentence like "discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion"). The prompt is an "agree OR disagree" one and u need to take only one position, either agree or disagree, and support your opinion through 2 or 3 paragraphs.

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]


examples for constrictions ---> it's, I've, Don't, etc.
Hope this answers your question
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Increased taxation on petrol and diesel fuel to discourage private cars? [12]


this thesis is not enough to convey the main idea of the essay. Why do this group of people believe a higher taxation rate must be applied on fuel? this point is not clear


Why did u take this position? you need to briefly mention your reasons as "blueprint"


this paragraph is not necessary, since the prompt asked you to give your own viewpoint, either agree or disagree. So, just focus on your opinion and support it.


hope this helps,
Good luck,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]


I agree with what Pahan said.


Disagree with this one :( Pahan I think we need to pay attention to the keywords mentioned in the prompt. Have a look at the words highlighted below:


Sorry that I posted these comments, I just wanted to make the point clear :)

Speeches / Qualities of a good student - Prize Giving Day speech [3]



--> my suggestion: The vital role of high distinction students in he future of our society would become more obvious by reminding the statement that "today's students are tomorrow's leaders"



--> didn't get why you added this statement!!! I think you need a transition to connect this sentence to what you were talking about in the previous sentence



--> I think you need to revise this sentence. You need to show that obeying rules is a useful behavior and you want to follow the rules because of their advantages not because you r afraid of punishment :)))

I think you need to give a clear difinition of a good student. How can a good student influence the society in the future, as you said "today's students are tomorrow's leaders".

hOPE THIS HELPS,
cHEERS,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Customs and behaviours followed by tourists or host should welcome. [8]


Salam :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Customs and behaviours followed by tourists or host should welcome. [8]

EventuallyIn conclusion , in the age of globalization era we cannot restrict cultural mobility. My opinion is to accept and spread variety of customs and manners in every corner of the world. AndTry to avoid starting a sentence with "and") tourism has a great role to build a multicultural world.

I do not score your work because of two reasons. First of all, I'm not an examiner, second of all, you do not need a score, what you need is practicing and improving your writing skill as mush as possible. Forget about score at this stage. You need to improve your vocabulary as well. Try to read different texts with various topics. In this way, you can ameliorate your writing and reading skills at the same time.

Wish you all the best my friend.
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'career preparation' - reasons why people attend to schools [6]

Most of us go to college or university to get (get is informal) higher education after high school (the opening sentence is a motivator, which should be catchy. U chose to write something general as a motivator, which is OK, but try to make it a bit attractive :) . Each human is unique and so (So is a bit informal) do their reasons for going to college (at the first sentence u said many people go to college to get higher education and the second one mentions that there are several reasons. There is a contradiction between the sentences, try to make these two sentences as one) . Some attend college to get new experience or for carrer(career)preapartionspelling while others go there to have increased knowledge. (It would be better to clearly mention that this is your own opinion and at the end of that point out why you took this position briefly as blueprint. ) The ultimate reason for attending college is to have a better bright future with a promising career.

hope this helps,
Good luck,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Task 1 : Line graph essay of expenditure on phone services in America [4]


up to you, but a one-row paragraph is a bit weird. by the way, what I suggested is what many academic writing books suggest. Anyway, you are free to choose what structure is more appropriate, but believe me i'm an experienced person in academic writing.

Good luck
Ahmad

Scholarship / 'specific area of interest' - Am a bit puzzled by this question [3]


As you know each project or field of study includes different disciplines. For example, in the field of materials science, it includes nano-materials, ceramics, cermets, welding, corrosion science, etc. If a specific project has been proposed to you as a research student, you must think about different aspects of the project and then you can understand what aspect is in your interest. Connect this part of the project to your previous experiences, ie. professional, academic or personal experiences.

hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Scholarship / MORAL EDUCATION; CCI PROGRAM/ Why Community College? [6]


Don't think this is a good statement to open the paragraph with. Write something more catchy.


---> I have always tried to experience new things



I recommend you to delete this sentence. Just try to introduce yourself as a suitable person for this program. How the social activities could prepare you for this program (focus on this issue)



hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / People naturally resist making changes in their lives.What kind of problems can this cause [4]


don't think so. Through the first sentence you mentioned that the modern world has been a result of changes made by human beings. And you are continuing this idea over the next sentence, where you pointed out that new things could be invented by those who make changes in their lives. Do you think these two statements are different?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 writing. Who should be responsible for subjects taught in schools? [6]


sure, please put your email address here and I will drop an email to you :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: THE MAPS / coastal resort of Templeton [2]

Hi,

The maps illustrate marked changes which have takentook place at the coastal resort of Templeton through/over the period offrom 1990 to 2005.
In 1990, the settlement was a much greener residential area with a large number of trees and individual houses, but during the next 15-year period the area witnessed a number of rapid changes. The most noticeable change wasis that all of the trees located in the south-west of the river were cut down, as well aswith all the houses being knocked down and were replaced bywith supermarkets and a new stretch of railway from the river running directly west (this sentence is too long.) . Moreover, a new ferry was also constructed next to the railway line.

In the south of the river, all of the trees were chopped down to build thea factory. Further developments were the construction of an airport near the north-east corner of the river. Only a few trees north of the river were remained and made way for the houses and apartments. Besides, new houses in the center of the town were built near the streets.

Overall, a comparison of the two maps reveals a change from a largely rural to a mainly urban landscapes.

You should write one paragraph about the area in 1990, and then mention the changes occurred over 15 years.

Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: A letter to the shop manager - 'it is broken' [11]


Yes, I took an academic IELTS test more than one year ago, and now I am going to take a general one :(. With regard to materials I would recommend you to create a profile in IELTS-Blog.com website to get the recent tests' topics taken in different countries. In this blog you can also find good samples :)

Writing Feedback / Trying new things and taking risks means to succeed [3]


For writing an introduction you should start it with a motivator, then add the thesis and finally give your opinion. It is not a good idea to begin the introduction with something about your idea. The opening statement should provides some general information. The thesis introduces the main idea of the essay, and at the end of the introduction you mention your opinion to show that your are going to discuss which facet of the matter.


In the case of conclusion you need to reword the topic/thesis first, then write a clincher (ending statement). This is an "agree or disagree" topic, and you already mentioned your opinion in the introduction and you supported your opinion through the body paragraphs. So, you do not need to state your opinion in the conclusion again. For other types of topics you should give your opinion before stating a clincher.

Hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: A letter to the shop manager - 'it is broken' [11]


you write well, my comments are merely suggestions :)

Undergraduate / My interests are primarily in Atmosphere; letter of motivation [2]


Do not say I have this I have that. You should introduce yourself and your abilities more fluently. Try to explain your strong point by giving some evidence and explaining your academic and professional experiences. You should convince the reader that you have got these capabilities.


it is not enough to just list your experiences. You need to mention what you could learn through the experiences. Talk about your interests and say why you are interested in this field of study

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A/D Making sure that your strengths are known by others leads to success [5]


yes , you need to reword the topic, and use synonym.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world [8]


Simply reword the topic. In fact, thesis is what the essay is mainly revolving around.
introduction contains three parts: 1) Motivator: An attractive statement, giving some general information about the topic. 2) Thesis: Reword the topic, 3) Give your opinion

Hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A/D Making sure that your strengths are known by others leads to success [5]

The topic was not an easy one. I would like to give you some ideas in respect of the topic:
I disagree with the topic because:
1) A person with special natural ability is creative and never wait for other people to explore his/her talent. Like Bill Gates
2) Influential people and employers may play vital roles in the success of a person in the field of industry, but not in art, for instance. The popularity of an artists is given by ordinary individuals.

3) Sometimes employers have negative influences on a person's success because they may become jealous of him/her. As a result, a person should not rely on employers to achieve a goal.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world [8]

Your essay contains 236 words, while you must write at least 250 words. If you could not write an essay including more than 250 words, you cannot get a good score.

Aircraft is one of the greatest inventions of mankind. (it is better to write the thesis first and then give your opinion) I disagree with the given statement that air travel can be beneficial to only affluent classes and common manother peopleisare not able to have any pros with it. I state my view through following explanations.

Firstly, air couriers are the fastest ways of transferring information in the form of couriers, letters, gifts and goods between nations. For example,As a result, such development in navigation industry could enable people are able to do online shopping from anywhere and irrespective of the location of sales locationsdue to the facility of air travel courier .

Secondly, air travel has been becoming one of the medical emergency transportation(uncountable)modes since decades. Higher authorities are using air travel in any major accidents where emergency team can'tcannot have any access to rescue public.For example(do not repeat this phrase.) , air travel played a crucial role in saving lakhslots of people in the major devastating floods occurr ed recently in India.

Thirdly, it is one of the defense divisions. This gives assurance to the public by giving safety in the form of protecting their region's airspace and controlling aircrafts as well.

Now-a-days, all kids of people are getting an opportunity to use these services as some airline services are charging low prices.

I could not get your ideas through the bold paragraphs. Make them clear. You do not need to bring lots of ideas in an essay, two ideas are enough, but support them perfectly.)

To summarize, I can say that rich (well-off, wealthy) people may use it("it" refers to what?) as for their travel but it is useful in several ways to the common man.So , both are taking the advantages of it regardless of their economic status.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2- Doing the same job for whole the life or changing it frequently [18]

Thank you for the comments. They were helpful :)


Thanks for the complement


Hope so. It is difficult to get a good score in the tests taken in Australia as the examiners are really strict, especially in the case of writing :(

Writing Feedback / Children should only play sports for fun, not in competitions or contests.(TOEFL) [12]


I was working for 4 months as a part of a biomechanical research group, but I changed my research area to materials and alloying, which is relevant to my scientific background (metallurgy).

Writing Feedback / Children should only play sports for fun, not in competitions or contests.(TOEFL) [12]


Your topic sentence: " the success of competition could strengthen the children's faith and reinforce their team work skills, which is helpful for the children's future life to some extent"--> this topic sentence mentions some positive aspects of competition, while in the rest of the paragraph you are trying to convince the reader that it has some disadvantages. Perhaps the phrase "to some extend" shows that you are going to say something about the disadvantages, but it is better to write a more clear topic sentence. A topic sentence, as you may know, includes two main parts: general idea, precise opinion. Write these two parts more apparently :)


Actually, I am a PhD candidate. Hope see you soon :)

Wish you luck

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2- Doing the same job for whole the life or changing it frequently [18]

Hi, thank you for the ideas and suggestions.


Don't think stating both negative and positive aspects of each view is necessary, because the question asked to discuss each viewpoint. This means, one group of people agree with viewpoint 1, so in the first body paragraph I mentioned some reasons why they took this position, and I did the same for the second body paragraph.

What you said is also reasonable, but if you want to write one negative point and one positive point for each view, including examples, you need to write four different things, containing four different examples to support them. Add conclusion and introduction to these four different points, don't you think the essay may become too looooong :)

Anyway, thanks you very much for your comments, they are really helpful :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2- Doing the same job for whole the life or changing it frequently [18]

Thank you gmad for the helpful comments.


this is what is called "blueprint" and it briefly determines what is going to be discussed in the body.

tay with their jobs to gain experience, thus means it is not their choice.[/quote]
Everybody has diferent reasons for doing something. As I mentioned in this paragraph "another important ...". By the way, I should have eliminated this part to make my essay shorter.

@Dumi: Thank you very much Dumi for your help, I really appreciate that.


I think, as writing books recommend, writing as much as possible details to a supporting statement make it more believable. So, that is why I stated that much details :)