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Posts by alicederp
Joined: Dec 28, 2012
Last Post: Jan 3, 2013
Threads: 10
Posts: 56  
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From: United States of America

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alicederp   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / My reality after my best friend committed suicide; Common App/ Significant Influence [18]

The essay prompt is: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

I will appreciate any help and comments. Thank you. (This is really urgent)

My reality after my best friend committed suicide was cruel from a lack of information. I didn't know why. I didn't know where. But I was convinced he was gone.

I'll say first thing that he survived, miraculously with only a broken arm. But this story is focused on the three days after his attempt, when I was oblivious to his vitality. Curiously, it never crossed my mind that he wasn't dead. I don't know why I was so certain but it was this morbid conviction that led me to wholeheartedly mourn and reflect.

I thought about the time of my grandfather's passing and how the words and tears flowed but he was perfectly silent, brimming with compassion and comfort. I thought of him finally telling me that the reason he never celebrated his birthday was because it was the day his grandmother passed away. I ran through all the conversation that took place on the roof of my house this summer. I ran through all the conversations that ever took place. In fact, I combed through the contents of every single day since the first day I met him.

My reward for working through this painful process was of course more pain, sadness because I still didn't know why, but most horrifyingly, an overwhelming sense of regret because I realized that all these years, I had never told him how much he meant to me. There was the occasional "thank you" and "you're the best", but even these are rare pleasantries, as it seems that niceties have an inverse relationship to a growing friendship. Thus disregarding the hasty and the superficial, I had never really expressed my gratitude. Believing him gone, the thought of this haunted me because I realized we were always too busy. Busy to the point I never could even find a moment to tell him he meant the world to me. Chilling irony shrouded me like a mist, a constant reminder that it was too late now.

Those three days really felt like three eternities. By the first, I had decided that I would never let something like this happen again. And by the third, I swore I would make sure to find time every single day to tell the people I care about how much they mean to me. This was the conviction I reached as my third eternity ended, and on the fourth day, I was given my miracle.

He didn't die but I did keep my promise. From that day on, I have told him, my family and all my other friends that I love and appreciate them everyday. I intend to do so for as long as I live because never again do I want to regret words unspoken.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers because they are more special than everybody else;TOEFL [8]

In my opinion, the lack of clarification on what a "best teacher" is render some of your points irrelevant to the topic.

Your first point simply states the fact that children are more likely to listen to their parents than to strangers, not that parents are good teachers. Your second point states that parents have more time to teach their child. Your third point is a bit too much of an example "So, if there is a man that beats his wife and treats her bad, his child probably is going to be rude and treat girls bad", I would change this if I were you.

Although I do see what you are trying to get at in this essay, I would start off by defining what exactly "best teacher" means in order to clarify your essay.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL TOPIC: Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now. [4]

I would clarify your topic sentence, at first read, I thought you had agreed with "patience is a virtue". You might want to write "I disagree with the notion that 'patience is a virtue'" or something along those lines.

Overall, this is a good essay, but I would get someone to check over your grammer. However, I would clarify your last two paragraphs (below).

Aren't there any benefit of showing patience? Of course the answer will be yes. Patience is the premise of creating a peaceful and friendly world, and being patient can make a better preparation for opportunities, nevertheless, opportunities are ready for it, the more to beat action.

In sum, although patience is a precious traditional Chinese quality and it can lead to a peaceful life, by comparison, considering its effects toward conditions like economic political fields, taking action at most of the time will be better.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "Cultural Interaction Community Project"; Common App: Extracurricular Activity [4]

The essay prompt is: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I will appreciate any help and comments. Thank you. (This is really urgent)

Local charity organizations serve their purpose well but have led many of the Beijing international community to mistakenly believe that giving and receiving can only be a linear, directional process. In creating the Cultural Interaction Community Project, I wanted interaction between the international and the local to become a symbol of unity and the diversity within the group to become a source of knowledge we can draw from to facilitate even greater achievements.

Our group of thirty has become just this. Reaching out to a Chinese high school revealed local knowledge that proved invaluable in creating successful community service events. And as we cleaned up parks, volunteered at charity shops, and established a student exchange program that allows us to gain insight into each other's lives, my dreams were exceeded by the relationships I developed with these local students I would otherwise never have met. Over the years, we became much more than co-workers, we became friends.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Children should grow up in a big city!! [5]

It's a good essay, however, I think you should structure your two arguments better. Try to follow a PEEL format if you can, because right now, your arguments are in a mess. Please try to elaborate on your arguments too, because right now, they are way too short.

This sentence is sort of irrelevant "Of course you need to choose a good neighborhood."

And, as suggested above, write more and increase your vocabulary.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Friendship is more important than mistake by a friend, although mistake is terrible. [3]

Alright I'm going to be quite critical here so please don't take offense.

"First of all, a mistake does not last for a long time but a friendship lasts forever." <- Although I understand your reasoning, it is quite extreme to state that a mistake will not last for a long time. For instance, deciding to stand aside when a friend wants to kill him/herself due to the fear of breaking a friendship would certainly last a long time. The life of a friend is probably more valuable than a broken friendship if you really cared about them.

The example you used to support your claim is strong. Good job!

I think overall this a pretty good essay but you might want to soften superlatives and consider counterarguments.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Dream of becoming a CMU Tartan; Carnegie Mellon Application: Why Carnegie Mellon [4]

Carnegie Mellon first attracted my attention in grade school because I really like to eat melon. Probably not the most conventional reason but it did spark an interest that over the years has gradually developed into a dream of becoming a CMU Tartan. I believe that Carnegie Mellon's highly reputable undergraduate courses and dedication to research and innovation will not only facilitate further understanding of my chosen program, but also offer me the opportunity to pursue my own ideas. With the availability of support due to the small class sizes and passionate professors that are experts in their field, I will have ample guidance to create, the dream of a child that spent hours and hours making cities with Lego.

Of all the programs at Carnegie Mellon, I have particular interest in economics. Having witnessed the incredible economic growth in China as live demonstration of the subject's relevance, I found myself fascinated by the workings of these invisible forces. Likewise, the highly charged economic world since the global market failure in 2008 has further highlighted the important role of economics in the modern world. And economics with it's unique position at Carnegie Mellon as the only joint undergraduate program of the Tepper School of Business and the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences, will allow me access to an extensive database of resources, complementary to the subject's diversity. Moreover, as part of the Dietrich College I will be able to declare psychology as a secondary major, another interest of mine that has great relevance to Economics. With a strong foundation in the liberal arts and the freedom of the creative Dietrich College as well as the excellent research resources and innovation of the Tepper School of Business, I will receive a world-class undergraduate education.

Furthermore, as a lover of the subject branch but undecided in a specific job pursuit, the interdisciplinary nature of Carnegie Mellon and the particularly liberal position of the economics program will not forcefully limit the development of my other interests, instead allowing me to integrate them to enhance my overall education. In addition, the plethora of available internships supplements classroom knowledge and will help me gain invaluable experience in preparation for my future in economics.

The steep slope of improvement in my grades throughout high school demonstrates maturation and my true capabilities. Thus, being part of the prestigious economics program at Carnegie Mellon University is the perfect next step in reaching my full potential. From the liberal arts dedication to the vast innovative and research opportunities, I would be honored to attend Carnegie Mellon University.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'skip the trial and error period and save the time toward a right way'; what future job for a child? [7]

Hi, you do have many clear points in your essay, and as pointed out before, the main problem is spelling/grammar.

obviously, in most cases, parents play an important role in children' whole life.

In my opinion, it would be best to avoid the use of the word 'obviously'. Instead, I would probably write something like "It is obvious that parents play an important role in a child's life."

children are more or less like their parents in some ways. so, in my opinion, i think children should choose the jobs similar to their parents.

I would rephrase "Children are more or less like their parents. So, in my opinion, I think child should choose jobs similar to those of their parents".

Also, changing "First of all" and "Second" to "Firstly" and "Secondly" adds a bit more structure to your essay.

It's a good start but it requires thorough proof-reading.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Staying with a host family is better than staying with friends [10]

To be honest, this is one of the better TOEFL essays I've seen content wise. However, you really need to clean up the bunch of paragraphs you have.

I have somewhat formatted your essay into paragraphs.

I strongly agree with the opinion that staying with host family is better than sharing an apartment with friends.

The major reason for my belief is that you will be able to learn so many things if you stay with a host family. To make it clear,I would like to cite an experience that I had when I was an exchange student in the U.S. in 2010. I stayed with my host mother,sister and two cats. My host family loved taking me to places where I had never been. They took me to many restaurants,festivals, a school which host mother teaches,and so on. Wherever place they took me, I loved it. Of course, sharing an apartment with friends has an advantage in that it is more fun to be with friends all the time. However,I would not have been able to learn deeply about the culture if I had not stayed with a host family,as the example shows, It is clearly more valuable than sharing an apartment with friends.

Additionally, staying with a host family is safer. To take an example, whenever I asked my host family to let me hang out with my friends. They always asked me who I hang out with,when and where so that they will know where I am and if I had encountered some trouble, it is easier for them to find and rescue me. Whereas If I had stayed with friends, they would probably do not care about me as much as host family so that nobody will find and rescue me when I had encounterd some trouble. As the above example shows, I am more protected and safer if I stayed with a host family.

In conclusion, I definitely agree with the idea that staying with a host family is better than sharing an apartment with friends.


Your content is good and your examples are well developed, now, all you have to do it 'polish' it.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Boredom is not an option ; NYU Supp : Why NYU? [4]

Prompt: Tell us why you have chosen the above campus (using a maximum of 700 characters-spaces and punctuation included).

It's New York City. Boredom is not an option in the city that never sleeps. It is where careers are built, cultures fuse, and everything is at your fingertips. And NYU New York embodies the very best of this bustling city. With the city as its extended campus, NYU New York is the dream of somebody that one day decided to explore every single stop on Beijing's local subway. Together with opportunities ranging from the internships at the most prestigious companies in the country to involvement at Catherine B. Reynolds program for social entrepreneurship, the experience is a merging of institution and city to create a unique integration that smoothly transitions classroom to the real world.

All comments and feedback appreciated. Thank you!
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Education system; COMMON APP PERSONAL ESSAY [8]

Hi there!

I think your essay is very well written. But you spent much of the essay describing the general event and what you and others did. Try to take it on a more personal level, highlighting the significance of this event to you personally i.e. your thought process.

Good luck!
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Our new Art Club President!; Stony Brook Honors; Experience [4]

I think this is a very well written essay that flows nicely. But I think something to work on and if you like, to bring your word count up, is what you took from this experience. You described your realization and increased self confidence but on a very generalized manner. Perhaps stating some specific impacts of this event would emphasize its importance and how it has changed you.

Good luck and if you have the time, I would really appreciate your help on my common app essay.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Puke sky? Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay [11]

Please be as critical as you like. ALL comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated. If you like I would be glad to help with yours.

"Mommy where'd the corn go?"

"Ew why does the sky look like puke?"

When my mom tried to explain China's economic growth with something involving houses, factories, and GDP portrayed through an impressive carnival analogy, my five-year-old brain was completely boggled but fascinated. Though it wasn't until much later did I start to develop an inkling of this economic growth, my desire to explain the changing environment persisted throughout the years and upon having the opportunity of learning economics as I entered the IB diploma program in 11th grade, developed into a passion for economics.

Finally having a name for the mystical workings that vanished all the corn and yellowed the sky, I came to quickly appreciate its relevance, its invisible laws dictating the workings of modern society. Live demonstration of the delicate balance between recovery and economic disasters since the global market failure in 2008 further emphasized the importance of the subject and strengthened my desire to pursue it.

In choosing a university program to deepen my understanding of economics, I looked for one that not only offered excellent teaching, but also emphasize and celebrated the diverse nature of economics. In short, this led me straight to the doors of the Carnegie Mellon economics program. With it's unique position as the only joint undergraduate program of the Tepper School of Business and the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences, it offers a much more extensive database of resources. Together with the feature of a secondary major and a minor from Dietrich College, I feel there is a definite acknowledgement for the subject's diversity. Personally, I would like to pursue psychology as a the secondary major or minor due to its close entwinement with economics that would facilitate greater understanding of both subjects and give me a cutting edge to the average undergraduate economics degree. In addition, the plethora of available internships supplements classroom knowledge and will help me gain invaluable experience in preparation for my future in the branch.

The steep slope of improvement in my grades throughout high school demonstrates maturation and focus. Thus, being part of the prestigious economics program at Carnegie Mellon University is the perfect next step in reaching my full potential. From acknowledgement and celebration of the relevance of economics to the vast innovative and research opportunities, I would be honored to attend Carnegie Mellon University.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / The power of Creativity common app essay [4]

Hi there!

"The taste of just "barely getting by" was of salt." <- Something little but instead of salt, try bitter?

I think your revised draft flows a lot better while still maintaining your strong tone from the first version. A suggestion though is to elaborate more on what you learned from this experience, perhaps with specific examples.

It would be greatly appreciated if you offered any comments or suggestions on mine!
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / No other place like New York City; NYU Supplemental: Why NYU New York [8]

Ooo I really like the last part! Definitely would set you apart from the other answers to this prompt.

One thing though, you used "this" two times as a sentence starter. Not a big deal but with a response this short, you may want to vary the sentence structure.

It would be greatly appreciated if you offered any suggestions or comments to either my common app essay or carnegie mellon supplement.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence [11]

Hi there,

I think this is a great topic!

Firstly do keep your first paragraph. It's a great introduction to your essay. Transition: And it's these minds that inspire me.

Your third paragraph is a bit choppy but with the corrections from alicela, it should be fine. (:

Any comments or suggestions on my carnegie mellon supplement would be greatly appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence [11]

I think it would work but you'll have to a fair bit of changing because as a personal statement, you should probably elaborate on Tajiri's influence on more than just art. Unless you are willing to do that, I would advise against it.

Any comments or suggestions on my carnegie mellon supplement would be greatly appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Love for writing/ Gap year/ Journalism [9]

Hi there,

I really like your introduction! But I think the concluding sentence doesn't really fit. I say take it out completely or if you like mention somewhere else in the essay that you did a lot of other stuff but the job as a writer was the most rewarding.

Also are you applying for freshman year university now? If so, I think you should indicate that you feel like you can be more successful in university now.

Please take a look at my carnegie mellon supplement essay. All suggestions or comments are greatly appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I formed a five-girl team; CommonApp- Significant experience [8]

"leaving me (to be?) the only one who was still contributing. " should be "as".

"Rushing out of the bottle, the water not only wetted my clothes but also dampened my passion for victory" should be "wet" I think.

Overall good essay and elaboration on what you did with what you learned from this experience ties everything up neatly, perfectly answering the prompt.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Background's Influence on Types of Problems You Want Solved - Harvey Mudd Supp. [2]

Hi there,

"Slowly approaching my high school career, I began to notice the strains of my tuition on my mother, who I still believe the main breadwinner of my family."

"After being rejected to various jobs, I took to selling various snacks and foods to other students, even though it is forbidden on campus, in order to help pay for my multiple AP's, SAT's, and my volleyball dues." <- I don't think you should mention that it was forbidden on campus...

Overall, great essay with a nice structure. My suggestion is to either delete or edit the second to last paragraph as it kind of disrupts the flow.

Please help me with my carnegie mellon supplement! Any suggestions or comments is greatly appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Urban/Intimate/Diverse community/Excellent academic reputation ;BU- Good fit [9]

Hi there,

Sorry what? "Being a native of New York, I knew that I loved the city. Upon my realization, Boston University came to mind." But Boston is not in New York...

I think this is a nicely written piece of work and it shows that you know the school. However, it focuses a bit too much on the school. They already know they have an awesome program. You should talk about how you decided on your major THEN how BU's COM program compliments it.

Please help with my carnegie mellon supplement! Any suggestions or comments are appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Puke sky? Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay [11]

Thank you for the feedback! Yeah it does sound a bit like a brochure haha. But do you think I should talk more about what I'm gonna do with the undergraduate degree in the future?

Sure no problem!
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Envl Club/Upgrade library/Not specific;UVirginia;Extracurricular/Project/Place [8]

Hi there,

Firstly I really like the image you created with your words.

"My favorite place to get lost is any library in the world." Maybe change that to My favorite place to get lost is the library, any library in the world. Or something else? It just seems a bit awkward right now.

"So why libraries?
Books. They're a part of me libraries happen to hold, that's all." The wording is a bit off...
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Christmas Eve dinner; UChicago - Invent A Past For Present Supplement [23]

Hi there,

First thing, this is an amazing story. One that flows beautifully and manages to grab and hold the reader's attention throughout its duration. The ending is perfect.

The only small thing I would change is:

The day I look forward to each year is Christmas day and it isn't because of Christmas Eve dinner or the exchange of expensive gifts between the members of my extended family,it'sbut it is because of this 'formality'.

Could you please read and give me some suggestions on my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU economics program; NYU sup/ Academic Interests [10]

Hey guys please help me with this answer. Do you think I fully answer the question? Please be as harsh as you can. All comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated!

A. NYU's global network provides students with hundreds of academic areas of interest for students to cultivate their intellectual curiosity and to help achieve their career goals. Whether you are entirely undecided about your academic plans or you have a definitive program of study in mind, what are your own academic interests? Feel free to share any thoughts on any particular programs or how you might explore those interests at NYU on any of our campuses. (1500 characters)

Growing up in Beijing, the capital of one of the world's fastest developing countries, the dynamics of the city changed with breathtaking speed. Miles of cornfield disappeared as the coal burning factories popped up and spewed out blackness into the once brilliant blue skies. Shopping malls sprouted all over the city and soon the streets filled with bicycles were traded for shiny new cars.

These were childhood observations that with the opportunity of enrolling in HL economics finally began to make sense. And with the models and explanations, came the full appreciation of the subject's real world relevance and a conviction to pursue economics. I realize that it is the laws of economics that invisibly dictate the workings of modern society and for this reason I thirst for more understanding.

With the relevancy of economics as the main reason to further my study, my criteria for choosing a program is one that not only has excellent teaching, but also emphasizes and celebrates the diversity of the subject. These principles are representative of the NYU economics program. In addition to the honor of working with passionate professors, the liberal arts foundation through MAP enriches the study of economics and interlaces it with other disciplines. All the while, the array of opportunities for research, internships and innovation keeps the subject relevant to the real world. With such features and the prestige of the campus and the city itself, I would be honored to attend NYU.

I will be glad to help with your essay if you like.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / It is my dream/ Why Harvey Mudd ? [3]

Hi there,

I think this essay really gets your point across and flows well. But my suggestion would be to delete the first sentence an the comparisons to other schools. I say you don't need to clarify that Harvey Mudd is its own unique school. Similarly it doesn't look good to bash other schools...

Please help me with my nyu supplement! Any comments or suggestions are appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Career in medicine; Duke Pratt School of Engineering Sup [3]

"I was instantly engrossed in the work, taken by the mixture of problem-solving and medical sciences."

I think change it to "Suddenly, I was engrossed in the work..."

"Situated in the research triangle, Duke is capable of providing me with innumerable research opportunities, as well as, internships." No need for comas and perhaps give some examples of internships? It feels a bit like you tagged it on.

I hope I helped!
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Great city/ Wide range of studies/ College experience; WHY NYU? [19]

Hi there,

"Although New York City has been my home my entire life, I feel as if I am surrounded by new people, sounds and lights. Although this new surrounding is only a borough away from my home, it is still New York City. " <-- You used although twice as the beginning of a sentence. In a piece so short, it's really important to vary sentence structure.

Also agreed with Udensi. I think the problem is that you are using connecting words like "furthermore, although". These words slow down the essay when in actuality you want to keep up the pace to maintain excitement.

Could you please look at my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU economics program; NYU sup/ Academic Interests [10]

Thank you all so much!

I will definitely fix up the ending part by elaborating on a single aspect instead of making a list.

I think the ending sentence is terrible too. ): I will revise and repost!
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / passion for business, international diplomacy/Penn(Wharton) Sup; Engage academically? [8]

Hi there,

"Responding to this concern, I spearheaded a paperless Board Office, saving $20,000 annually, making a significant environmental and financial impact." Except for that I think this is a great essay that personalizes the prompt and also shows you have knowledge of the school.

Would you please look at my common app essay?

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