Posts by Notoman

Notoman

Apr 19, 2010

Writing Feedback / Argument essay, Smoking in public [7]

Please don't feel like I am picking on you or that I am trying to start an argument. English is such a tricky language with so many nuances. I am picking apart your sentences looking for potential fallacies. Here are a few more potential issues ...

Smoking is currently allowed in most public places

You might need to define this more precisely. Many countries (Great Britain, Australia, Brazil, Canada, France, Italy, and India, to name a few) have banned or restricted smoking in the workplace and in indoor public places and even in outdoor public spaces and privately-owned automobiles. Most states also have restrictions on public smoking; in fact, only ELEVEN states do not have statewide restrictions and only one of those eleven states does not allow local governments to enact their own smoking regulations (making Oklahoma the only state without some bans on smoking).

for every seven smokers who die from smoking, at least one non-smoker dies from cigarette smoke.

Are smokers dying from smoking? Not really. They may die from smoking-related diseases. They may die in house fires when they fall asleep while smoking. They may die when their cigarettes ignite flammable substances in the air. They may die when their parents catch them filching cigarettes and beat them to death. Smoking, in and of itself, is not a cause of death. Likewise, cigarette smoke doesn't kill nonsmokers.

One of the biggest contributors to littering is cigarettes butts.

But, but (butt, butt)... cigarette butts are so small--in the literal sense at least. Wouldn't abandoned cars and mattresses be a "bigger" contributor?

Not to mention the amount of fires that would be reduced by carelessly thrown cigarette butts.

Watch your wording! Carelessly thrown cigarette butts DO NOT reduce the amount of fires.

Non-smokers are constantly exposed to secondhand smoke and shouldn't have to be if they don't want to.

Again, watch the wording. "Constantly" implies, well, constantly. No, nonsmokers are not constantly exposed to secondhand smoke. They are only exposed to secondhand smoke when they are in the presence of someone who is smoking.

they have a constitutional right to a healthy environment.

Nope. Nothing about a healthy environment in the Constitution. We have 26 amendments in effect and none of them have to do with the environment. Smokers could claim that the ninth amendment, assuring the recognition of rights that people may have but are not listed in the Constitution, applies to the right to smoke, but nonsmokers don't have a claim to a healthy environment--at least Constitutionally.

A ban wouldn't harm anyone in anyway shape or form

A ban has potential to harm tobacco companies, their employees, and their investors as well as vendors of tobacco products. Bans could financially harm establishments, bars and pubs for instance, where a large percentage of patrons are smokers. A ban also has potential to harm, in the legal sense at least, people who face consequences for violating the ban.

Notoman

Apr 19, 2010

Writing Feedback / Argument essay, Smoking in public [7]

Smoking is one of the most deadly things a person can do to themselves and to others.

Really? More deadly than bulimia, assault, suicide, war? Death from smoking is not a certainty. I don't know any 18 year olds with lung cancer or emphysema.

non-smokers to not be exposed to the deadly chemicals in cigarettes. In doing so, this would reduce the amount of diseases non-smokers would have acquired.

More deadly than arsenic? How long do the chemicals take to kill someone? Would this ban also reduce all diseases? Even chicken pox?

Notoman

Apr 16, 2010

Essays / Gun ownership, gender differences, Abe Lincoln - RN degree essays to complete [3]

It sounds like your professor is asking to write three very different things.

For the gun issues, you'll need to discuss the pros and cons of allowing private gun ownership. Make a list and go from there. Cons: guns can be used in crimes, children playing with guns cause X number of deaths each year, accidental shootings ... Pros: self protection, hunting, target shooting, self determination ...

Gender differences--compare and contrast. This is a VERY broad topic. You might want to narrow it down a bit. You could talk about a partiucular issue and how that issue is different for boys and girls, how boys and girls at a particular age are the same and different, how society treats boys versus how it treats girls, or even why baby boys are dressed in blue and baby girls are dressed in pink (or any other societal constraints).

The article review is the easiest one! Google "how to write an article review" for checklists of what to include.

Good luck with it! That's a lot of work to do over the weekend.

Notoman

Apr 11, 2010

Essays / I need help on what to include in a essay on Elizabeth I... [4]

Elizabeth I had such a long and important reign--she was really a fascinating monarch! Books have been written on the subject; the hardest part might be limiting what to say. An outline might include:

Anne Boleyn's daughter (and how having a mother who was accused of being a whore and then beheaded along with questions regarding her paternity affected her manner of rule).

Henry VIII's daughter (she was prouder of this than any other attribute or accomplishment).

Ruling as an unmarried queen and the decision to remain a virgin. How her gender impacted her life (If she would have been born a boy, history would have surely been different!)

The religious turmoil of her time and how Elizabeth dealt with the issue.

All the Queen's men ... from those that cared for her to those that took advantage of her to those that advised her.

Her enemies ... Mary and Mary (one would eventually recognize Elizabeth as her heir and the other was ordered executed), King Phillip II, the Duke of Palma, the Pope

Her foreign policies--especially her defeat of the Spanish Armada (and even how she used the question of her marriage in the arena of foreign policy). England came to world dominance during Elizabeth's reign.

Her legacy.

Notoman

Apr 9, 2010

Writing Feedback / Should friends be honest to each other? [6]

But ... but ... I like short skirts on girls.

Don't take this the wrong way. I am going to be very nitpicky here. If you are going to take the time to write practice essays for the SAT, you deserve to have thorough feedback. My intention is to help you.

Let me point out a couple of thing:

In my opinion, friends should be honest to each other

"In my opinion" doesn't add anything to the essay. The reader already knows that it is your opinion. The phrase eats up the word count and doesn't give the essay the strongest start. Instead of saying "honest to," use "honest with." It isn't a big deal, but is sounds smoother to the native speaker's ear and it mirrors the words in the prompt.

While this does not mean two friends can simply hurl insults at each other, it is nessecary for your friend to know if something is wrong with them so it can be fixed for his sake.

This sentence gets wordy. People have the tendency to think that long sentences are more sophisticated. Not always true. You have a misspelling in this sentence as well: nessecary should be necessary-- it is a weird word! You could try rewriting this sentence something like this: Friends should not hurl insults at each other, but honest input can help a friend to fix an issue. 36 words down to 19.

A friend in my opinion has the responsibility to talk to you, to point out your weakness and flaws and together help you to overcome that flaw in your personality.

Again, I'd delete the "in my opinion." Be more forceful with your persuasion! Tell the reader how friends should act and why. Make a statement without sounding like you are apologizing for your beliefs. You talk about "weakness and flaws" here and then overcoming that "flaw." Strive for more agreement between your words here. Weakness is singular (and few people have only one--two of mine are chocolate and girls in short skirts), flaws in plural, but then you only want to help the friend to overcome one flaw. Some teachers look down upon the use of the second person (you) in an essay and instruct their students not to do it. You might want to avoid it. Here's a sample construction: Friends have the responsibility to talk openly with each other, to point out weaknesses and flaws, and to work together on overcoming those flaws.

I believe that the nearer you are with someone, the more they should accept your flaws and vice-versa.

Ummmmm ... I don't know why, but "to someone" would work better here than "with someone." Tricky words! This sentence is a little awkward. Try to simplify it. Something like: The closer friends are, the more accepting each other's imperfections. The word count is cut in half (well, almost).

However, should your friend is doing something that might potentially hurt himself or other people, you have the responsibility as a friend to tell him.

The verbs aren't working here. "Should your friend is doing something that might potentially hurt himself ..." When there is potential for self harm or hurt to other people, friends have the responsibility to speak out. (My sentence is by no means perfect, but it shows another way to rework your thoughts)

Of course, it does not mean that insults and making snide comments to your friends is helping them.

This sentence is really long. Paring it down would strengthen it. Insults and snide comments don't help friends.

For example, I had a friend who used to wear very short skirts. Rather than giving her insults on how inappropriate it is, I gently told her that she should be aware that while short skirts give her more freedom, she is showing her underwear to everyone behind or under her. She immediately understood, apologized to me, and turned up the next day wearing a much more casual dress. In this situation, she accepted it as something said to her so that she can become a better person in everyone's eyes.

This part comes across as judgmental. The example is fine, but the word choice leaves you looking a little high and mighty. More modest clothing doesn't make a person better, just more modestly dressed. Here one way you might say the same thing: I had a friend, for example, who wore very short shirts. She didn't realize that strangers could see her underwear until I gently informed her. From then on, my friend wore more modest clothes and was grateful to me for being truthful with her.

It is true that in another scenario, telling them the truth might make the friend angry and think that you are hi enemy.

His enemy? "Them" is plural, but "friend" is not. The words "them" and "their" trip up a lot of people when it comes to agreement. Another way to write this sentence: Telling the truth might anger friends. (Okay, maybe I cut that sentence down too much. What can I say? I am not a fan of extraneous words. I believe that all words need to earn their spots--especially

when a word count is in play)

However, I believe that being honest to yourself and your friends is a must in order for long-lasting friendship to develop.

Your teachers have probably been telling you that transitions like "however," "secondly," and "in conclusion" help an essay's flow, but they just take up space and disrupt that flow (usually). Switch out "to" to "with." Here's how I'd rewrite it: Being honest with friends and with yourself is imperative for long-lasting friendships to develop.

Wishing you the best!

Notoman

Apr 7, 2010

Scholarship / "People who live in simplicity vs. results" - scholarship introduction essay [4]

Honestly? I am not sure what you are trying to say here.

People who live simply sometimes experience extraordinary results.

A simple life will result in an ordinary outcome.

There are words in the sentence that make it more difficult to know what you are trying to say ... "not necessarily" conveys that the situation is not always true (but may be), "will only" says that there is only one outcome, but "some" indicates that this is true only some of the time.

Look at the sentence with a few words changed to see what I mean:
Not necessarily, people who eat candy will only get fat.

Are you saying that living in simplicity is a good thing with a good end result or that it is a bad thing that will not challenge a person and cause growth?

Notoman

Apr 7, 2010

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird Essay Question (Scout's age and personality) [3]

There are ways in which her stories are swayed by her age ... she doesn't fully understand the meaning of rape even though Atticus explains that it is the carnal knowledge of a woman against the woman's will. The reader can guess that Scout doesn't understand the concept of rape because she doesn't seem to comprehend how babies are made (Dill tells her a fantastical tale about the process). Scout is young at the time of the story, but is recounting the events as an adult. That time lag can cloud the memory. We can also assume that Atticus is dead when Scout is recalling the events and that in death, his memory looms larger than life. Is Scout recalling Atticus in a glorified way?

There are also ways in which Scout's age crystallizes her telling of the stories. Her age gives her a unique perspective on the world. She is allowed to drift between the white and black worlds and into the adult world without people paying much attention to her. She grows a lot during the story and that growth allows her, as a storyteller, to see and comment on the change. Even though Scout is young, you could say that she is an "old soul." Her personality colors the story with an open mind.

The topic is pretty narrow for an entire essay, but it doesn't need to be confined to just Scout's age. You have the concept of personality to play with too and Scout certainly has a personality. She was not a conformist by any means.

Notoman

Mar 23, 2010

Essays / Need Help on Term Paper Outline on Post 9/11 Discrimination [3]

Hmmmm ... I don't know the parameters of the assignment, but here are a few thoughts:

What can be done to stop the discrimination. What can be done to stop harassment.
What parallels does this have in American history? Japanese Internment during WWII?
Portrayal of Arabs in movies/political cartoons/other media.
Changing stereotypes.

How are you approaching the paper? Are you talking about discrimination, harassment, violence directed toward people, and refusal to accommodate religious practices? Are you focusing on Arabs (people from the Arabian peninsula who speak Arabic) on Muslims (practitioners of Islam) or both? Ethnic or religious discrimination or both?

Notoman

Mar 23, 2010

Poetry / A poem about an unhappy woman [4]

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to poetry, but I think that a few little things will make it stronger ...

Sun's rising up outside
Light never existed
I'll paint my world black and red
Bit my fingers off, cut off my vein, my eyes won't close
Why can't I do it?

Change "bit" (the past tense) to "bite" (present tense). The verbs are already jumping a bit in this stanza, and the past tense makes it jumpier.

How could you stabbed me

This is another place where the verb "stabbed" doesn't fit well. Change it to "stab" instead.

There's some nice imagery here and you have a good sense of word play.

Notoman

Mar 2, 2010

Writing Feedback / sedating music - There are many different types of music in the world today. [3]

Music is an inevitable part of our life

Watch the little things ... this should be "lives" instead of "life." Life is singular ... one life to live. Lives is plural.

to listen for music

We'd say, "to music" instead of "for music."

We were listening to the different sounds and ~~the~~ types of rhythms even when we are not brought out to this world of noise and rhythms and music.

I am not sure what you are trying to say in the second part of this: when we are not brought out to this world of noise and rhythms and music.

Even those who think they are not musical person

Watch your numbers agreement again. "Those" and "they" are plural, but "person" is singular.

Notoman

Feb 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Ut Austin Essay B (Poverty and Education) [10]

Seems how you're being so nice, I'd be happy to do a few more with you. I am just glad I didn't offend you ...

Mothers pressed their cloth less baby's forward,

You want a different word than "cloth less." It sounds like the babies have less fabric. I know what you are going for, but it isn't a word. Substitute unclothed, naked, bare, exposed, undressed, or bareskinned here. You also want to use babies instead of baby's--it is the plural and not the possessive (there is more than one baby, and not the forward that belongs to the baby).

older gentleman lifted their tattered garments to show us their missing limbs

You have an issue with numbers agreement here ... gentleman is singular while the rest of the sentence is plural. I know that you mean respect when you use the word gentleman, but I feel like it brings out the wrong mental image. You could also punch up the verb "to show us" here. (Sorry to be so picky, but I have the impression that is what you want!). Try something like: older men lifted their tattered garments to reveal missing limbs.

young boys and girls

Not that this is wrong, but it does get a little wordy. In a college-application essay with a limited word count, you want to make sure that every word has a purpose. You could condense this by just saying children or youngster.

I have traveled abundantly in the 19 years I've been alive, in that short time span I have been to nearly every state in the U.S., while also visiting several countries in the EU, Canada, Australia, Fiji, the U.A.E, India and Pakistan.

This is a comma splice--two complete sentences put together with just a comma instead of more weighty punctuation or a conjunction. Travelled needs another "l." I'd personally like to see EU and UAE written the first time they are used because I know how illiterate many Americans are when it comes to geography. I don't think it is too important to reveal your age here or that you consider it to be a short time--let the focus be on the experience instead. Here's one possible construction for this sentence: I have travelled abundantly and have visited nearly every state in the union, Canada, many countries in the European Union, Australia, Fiji, India, Pakistan, and the United Arab Emirates. (I changed the order a little to lump them more geographically and to end with the UAE because that is what you talk about in the next part).

Ack! Time to get back to class.

Notoman

Feb 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Ut Austin Essay B (Poverty and Education) [10]

You use the active voice very well. Your writing is engaging and lively. I don't have time for a lot of comments tonight, but let me get you started with a couple of things:

The child first raised his hand to his mouth and pretended to eat something.

I am not crazy about the word "first" in this sentence. It disrupts the flow.

Then as if he was about to pray he put his hands together, kneeled his head in front of me and pleaded for some money.

Change the first part of this to make it active voice and tighten it up a bit ... kneeling refers more to the act of going down on bended knee than something one would do with his head. There are a few words hanging on in this sentence that aren't really pulling their weight--kick them to the curb. Try something like: He put his hands together as if to pray, bowed his head, and pleaded for money. 24 words down to 16.

He thanked me and made a claim that this was the most money anyone had ever given him.

Don't feel like I am picking on you here. I want to take this sentence and show you another way to write it that will make it just a little stronger: He thanked me and claimed this was the most money he'd ever received.

As soon as he left our car was barraged by beggars from all sides.

One more and I will leave you alone, *wink* As he left, beggars barraged our car from all sides. (a small savings of 4 words, but it puts it in active voice)

Notoman

Feb 3, 2010

Writing Feedback / Editorial on Martin Luther King Day [4]

But, but ... I wanted to go out on a bit of a limb by stating an opinion that may not be politically correct, but is still defensible. It would be too easy to write an editorial on something that everyone agrees on. I think that the concept of a holiday is *very* important--I'd just think it should have been more inclusive right from the start. I am not suggesting a change now. I am paranoid that my teacher will be a die-hard MLK fan and think that I am a beast for wanting a different kind of celebration of civil rights.

True, the groundhog has its own holiday, but only in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. I don't get a day off of school. I haven't even made a construction-paper groundhog since first grade. I want a holiday! (He says in impetuous tone and a little stomp of the foot). Eight more school days until a four-day weekend ... not that I am counting.

The next essay is compare/contrast. I have *no* clue what I am going to write about. I tried Googling lists of ideas, but nothing jumped out at me.

Thanks for the discourse, Kevin.

Notoman

Feb 3, 2010

Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

Really? Only one outstanding interview? What made that person stand out in your mind (passion, focus, commitment, knowledge)? What abut the others made them ordinary or sub par (applying for the wrong reasons, canned answers, lack of charisma)?

I won't be interviewing for Harvard, but I would still like a glimpse into the process.

Notoman

Feb 2, 2010

Scholarship / Positive impact in the world through your studies -How to analyse this question? [4]

The way I read it, it is asking how you will use your education to make the world a better place. Will you study medicine and ease the suffering of millions? Will you study architecture and build beautiful and safe buildings? Will you become a teacher and share your passion of history with your students?

Notoman

Feb 2, 2010

Writing Feedback / Editorial on Martin Luther King Day [4]

This is an assignment for English class. We are supposed to write an editorial focusing on these skills:
Stating a clear argument and thesis
Deliberate organization to the argument
Smooth transitions
Strong verbs
Descriptive adjectives
Introduction/Conclusion

I had a few particular questions about it that I put it parenthesis and in bold. I could always change the structure to avoid the issues, but I want to know the proper way to deal with them for future reference. Thanks so much.

Martin Luther King Day: A Missed Opportunity

On the third Monday of January, the United States acknowledges Martin Luther King Day. School children color Xeroxed copies of Dr. King's face and listen to snippets of his "I Have a Dream" speech, but for most Americans the holiday is more about a three-day weekend than a time for reflection. Was Congress too quick to name a holiday after an individual whose contemporaries are still alive? Legislation authorizing the holiday was first submitted by Congressman John Conyers (D-MI) just four days after Dr. King's assassination. Civil rights did not start nor end with Martin Luther King, Jr. By leaving out the people and organizations that fought-and are still fighting for-civil rights, we have lost an opportunity for a holiday that is more meaningful and more inclusive. Instead of Martin Luther King Day, we should be celebrating Civil Rights Day.

(Should "Xeroxed" be capitalized? It is a brand name, but it has come into common usage.)

(When I end a sentence with Jr., how do I also show that it is the end of the sentence? Do I need to put two dots? Sure, I capitalized the next word, but this tripped one of one my classmates during peer editing--she thought it was all one sentence)

As a leading advocate of nonviolent activism in the civil rights movement, King deserves a place in history, but is he worthy of a holiday? The only other American holiday honoring an individual is Columbus Day-a soon-to-be-obsolete observance that leaves more people wondering why they did not receive any mail on the second Tuesday of October than anything else. Even Washington and Lincoln share President's Day. Martin Luther King Day seems to vaunt Dr. King's accomplishments above those of the combined achievements of our two most venerated American presidents.

Celebrating Dr. King's birthday pushes other civil rights leaders to the background. Early abolitionists like Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass risked their lives to help the enslaved; William Lloyd Garrison's newspaper The Liberator and Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin were instrumental in bringing the plight of slaves to the forefront. Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. Du Bois battled for rights, educational opportunity, and an end to segregation in post-Civil War America. Let's not forget Jackie Robinson, the Freedom Riders, The Little Rock Nine, Shirley Chisholm (the first African-American woman elected to Congress), and the Kennedy Administration. Thurgood Marshall served as the NAACP's lead attorney and successfully argued Brown v. Board of Education before being appointed to the Supreme Court where he continued his advocacy for the underdog.

(Should "administration" be capitalized after "Kennedy" because it was a particular administration? I can't find anything definitive--the JFK library capitalizes it; other websites do not.)

But civil rights is not just an African-American issue. Not by a long shot. Catholics and Jews were both denied the right to vote in our nation's history. Native Americans and Hispanics have organized their own advocacy efforts. Women waited for decades before gaining the right to vote. The ERA (Equal Right Amendment) simply stating the "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex" still awaits ratification. The disabled, in spite of the 1990 Americans with Disability Act, continue to face discrimination. Gays and lesbians are denied the right to marry in all but a handful of states and are only permitted to serve in the military if they refrain from homosexual conduct and keep their sexual orientation a secret: Don't ask, don't tell.

(This paragraph needs some work to smooth it out, give it a better sense of chronology, and ... and ... something!)

Honoring Martin Luther King Day relegates the struggle for civil rights to one viewpoint of one demographic group in one era. Advocating for a change in the holiday at this juncture would not only be difficult but divisive. The United States missed an opportunity when they created a holiday honoring Dr. King instead of a more inclusive celebration of how far we have come and a recognition of the distance still to go.

Notoman

Jan 26, 2010

Undergraduate / the National Society of Black Engineers - extra curricular activities short [5]

A couple quick fixes for you:

attend meetings that are held every two weeks.

Consolidate this. Use "biweekly" instead. Also try to put as many words as you can in the active voice. "I attend biweekly meetings" is more active than attending meetings that are held biweekly.

African Americans

Should have a hyphen.

and also to advice students

Advice is a noun, advise is a verb. Take out the word "to" and use advise. Usually, advise is a positive word. I think I would rework this to take out the part about the distractions and keep the focus more positive.

It is said that ''there are many doors of success in life to which education holds the key''.

The quotes aren't really working for me here because it is more of a proverb than a direct quote. In American English, the punctuation goes inside of the quotation marks (but not in British English).

Notoman

Jan 19, 2010

Essays / Accents and dialects (the difficulties of understanding different dialects) [6]

Why are you only asking guys to help you? Seems you're narrowing the field a bit, but what ever.

Here's an example of a dialect right here, *grin*

In my area "guys" is an informal form of the second-person plural. People in other regions might say "you guys," "y'all," or just "you." It is no more gender exclusive than "vosotros" would be in Spanish (although, admittedly, "vosotras" is gender exclusive).

I am from the States. When I visited Australia, I understood about 95% of what was being said ... until I meet people from the rural areas and then I needed a translator even though they were speaking English! The dialect and the accent was incredibly difficult for me.

Notoman

Jan 6, 2010

Essays / Whats My New Years Resolution and Why? [6]

What is the purpose of the writing? Is it a school assignment?

Every year, since I could remember, I have made New Years resolutions that usually last about a week.

Here's a couple of grammar points. The first comma isn't needed. The sentence is a little awkward. Do you mean every year since you had the capability to remember? Every year? Recent years? Nail it down. An apostrophe is needed in New Year's. The resolutions belong to the New Year. Think of it like saying, "Tuesday's to-do list" versus "I always to AA on Tuesdays."

Notoman

Jan 6, 2010

Essays / How to find the original text of this paraphrase in The Second Sex (term paper) [3]

Sometimes I will try doing a Google search and I can come up with the book and page numbers--especially with something that is a little older and in the public domain. When you go to Google, there will be a tab that says "more" and under that is the option to search books or scholar.

Notoman

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement- my trip to Alaska [2]

Here are a few thoughts for you:

July 3, 2005. I had dived headfirst into 'no man's land'. A mistake? Only time could tell.

Generally speaking, in the U.S. we only use single quotation marks when there is quoted material within another quote. We will put words in quotations if we are using that word ironically.

The journey is still vivid in my head and I can still recall it like no time had passed.

You use the present tense here and then then past tense. You use the word "still" twice in this sentence. If you can get rid of as many of the "to be" verbs as you can, the essay will be stronger. Stronger verbs will also take down your word count--taking out the fluff and leaving more room for the meat. Here's one way of rewording: The journey resides vividly in my mind as if no time has passed. Nineteen words down to thirteen.

What I couldn't quite remember was the reason my parents had for venturing steadfast into the vastness of America's 'Last Frontier.

This sentence is a little clunky. Again, pare it down to its essence. There's a stray apostrophe here ... you might have meant it as something to be inclosed in single quotation marks, but you don't need the punctuation in this case. Here's a shorter version: I couldn't quite recall the reason my parents ventured into the vastness of America's Last Frontier. Twenty-one words down to sixteen.

My family and I had boarded a cruise ship at Vancouver Canada set due on Alaska.

We already know that you went to Alaska so you don't need to repeat it here (not that it is wrong, but a denser essay will read better). Put a comma between the city and the country. "Set due" is a bit awkward. Here's a quickie revision: My family boarded an Alaskan-bound cruise ship at Vancouver, Canada. Sixteen words down to eleven and no more passive voice.

Notoman

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

You guys are taking this way too seriously; it's just part of the signature.

Maybe, but when the committee is looking at thousands and thousands of applications, something that sets the applicant apart--in a good or a bad way--can make a difference. Rice isn't the easiest school to get into.

Notoman

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

If at all possible, upload an image that YOU have created. Doing a Google image search and finding something generic to represent a generic concept won't really hurt your application, but it won't help it either. Even if you are not particularly artistic, submitting a picture that you have taken or a digital representation of something important to you would go much further in this case.

Here's a thought ... you could take an Internet image and make it your own (kind of like Shepard Fairey did with this AP image of Obama). Here's a link to an easy Photoshop tutorial on making a Julian-Opie style image (it doesn't have to be a picture of a person):

Notoman

Dec 23, 2009

Undergraduate / Famous New Yorker, Poem, 2050 movie... (NYU SUPPLEMENTS) [7]

You already have some solid advice, but I'll toss in my two cents worth as well ...

New York City--strive for a little more sentence variety. Read your paragraph out loud to hear the cadence.

Poem--I think it would be stronger if you ended it on a positive note. You have such strong words, but then "lose" kind of blindsides the reader. Keep it upbeat instead of switching the focus to failure.

Movie--Take a look at a couple of movie reviews or even read the backs of some of your DVD cases. They use the literary present tense. As my English teacher always says: "Don't write that Romeo killed himself. He kills himself."

Passion--there are a lot of passive-voice verbs in this paragraph. The punctuation goes inside the quotation marks (in American English at least) and you will need colon to introduce that quote because it is a complete sentence.

Vacations--Your other writing is engaging and just needs a few tweaks, but this last piece is, sorry to say, WEAK. I know that talking about your summer vacation isn't always the most exciting, but you can do better than this. It really isn't fair for me to say that it is weak and then not give you any feedback to why I feel that way, so I will dissect the paragraph (if you don't mind) ...

Often during summer vacations, I usually take summer classes. During the past summer of 2009, I was enrolled in three classes. I was in a guitar class, advanced math program and a summer swim program. I really want to learn how to play the guitar. At the same time, practice my swimming strokes and excel in mathematics.

"Often" and "usually" are redundant. You use the word "summer" twice in the first sentence ... the reader already knows that it is summer from the prompt, and if he or she missed that, they would know from you either saying "summer vacations" or "summer classes," but they really don't need both, especially when you are dealing with such a limited word count. You use "summer" again in the next sentence and another time in the sentence after that. You really only need the word once. You use the class/es three times as well. In a piece of writing that is only about fifty words long, it is too often. "I was in a ..." is very passive and takes a lot of words to say very little. Try to punch up the verbs where you can. The verb tenses are jumping. The last sentence is not a sentence at all but a fragment.

Here is a *really* quick rewrite (done way past my bedtime), but I am hoping that it can give you a jumping-off place. I embellished in places because I don't know enough about how you spent your summer vacation to know the details, but it is those kinds of details that will help bring this last piece to life:

I have never seen summer as a time to take a break from learning, but more of an opportunity to explore my passions. In 2009, I learned to play the guitar, earned my lifeguard certification, and tackled an advanced math class at the local community college. While my friends slept past noon, I took advantage of my vacation time to learn new skills and hone the old.

I apologize if I left you feeling bashed. My intention is not to demean, but to help you see your writing through another person's eyes. It is better to be criticized here and make some adjustments than to have an unedited piece in front of the admissions personnel.

Good luck!

Notoman

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement: I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL. [3]

You have some sentence fragments. They work for me, but there are people out there who are highly annoyed by sentence fragments; you won't want to risk having the person reading your application be one of them.

A few other thoughts ...

I was clearly born in the wrong time period.

I am being picky here, but "time period" sounds too broad to me. Go ahead and nail it down. Say "decade" instead. It rolls off the tongue easier and has the feel that you are going for.

40s

Keep it consistent. You use "40s" here, but "sixties" later.

so that I could make it just in time for the musical revolution that was the sixties

"Make it just in time for the" is pretty wordy and slows down the pace of the piece. Try plugging something else in here. ... so that I could participate in the musical revolution, so I could relish the musical revolution, so I could be a musical revolutionary ...

I am an old school rocker. I have all the symptoms. A contemptuous outlook on the course of modern rock, a sense of elitist arrogance in my own music taste, and of course, the ability to make sophisticated and profound comments on what sometimes sound like absolute crap.

Personally, I would combine these so that you don't have a fragment or two particularly short sentences right next to each other. I am not quite sure what you are saying in the last part of this sentence. I think that you are implying that you are commenting on the more modern music, but there isn't continuity ... it goes from dissing the new, praising the old, to dissing the new again. AND, I would use "musical" instead of "music" and "sounds" instead of "sound."

the two great Jimmys, Hendrix and Page

This is problematic in my mind because of the different spellings. You can't really take two words that are spelled differently and make them into a plural (in print at least). It is akin to calling a Kari and a Carrie the two Karis or the two Carries. True, Hendrix did spell his name "Jimmy" at one time, but not while he was famous and it is not how he is known. It isn't horrible, but I am nitpicking here.

, and the sense of freedom and possibility that came with it.

This is a fragment.

It has nice energy. If you clean it up a little bit, it will make a strong statement.

Notoman

Dec 21, 2009

Undergraduate / Neurosurgery Issue of National Concern- Harvard and Yale Commonapp essay [3]

I only have time for a few comments, but let me getting you started ...

the birth flaxen

This is kind of an odd description. "Flaxen" is a plant that is used in the making a linen. It can also be the color of linen, but it generally isn't something that we would use to describe a person--their hair maybe, but not a person.

wrong customs

Again, "wrong customs" would not generally be used here. You could say, ill-conceived customs, dangerous customs, backward-thinking customs ...

a mild "hydrocephalus".

I don't know why this word is in quotes. Generally speaking, you would only put a words in quotes if a) it is a quote b) you are talking about a words ... "Recalcitrant" is my favorite word, or c) if you intend it to mean the opposite of what is being said ... she said that she was going to Hawaii for "work." If the word is a foreign word that is not commonly understood in English or if you want to give it special emphasis, you can italicize the word ... I really love tacos and mate cocida (I didn't italicize the word "tacos" because it is readily understood in American English). In the case of "hydrocephalus," I wouldn't put it in quotation marks. Even though it is a technical term, it doesn't fit the criteria. AND ... in American English, the punctuation goes inside of the quotation marks while in British English it goes on the outside. When applying to American universities, I'd stick to the American conventions and put the punctuation inside of the quotation marks if the issue comes up elsewhere.

As explained to me by the nurse of the rural clinic where I volunteered.

This is a fragment.

It is when the lubricating fluid of the brain has refused to circulate and has become concentrated in one side of the brain, causing swelling of the affected part.

You don't really need this level of detail in a college-application essay. The word count is tight--use it to sell yourself instead of educating the committee.

the village's unqualified health assistance.

People in the U.S. aren't going to know what this means. You might want to use different words that would better convey your meaning to someone in the States. Is the person a healer? Is it a clinic with unqualified staff? Does it have more to do with the level of care available (lacking the facilities at the local level for things like brain surgery)?

She incised the affected part, making the brain to bleed profusely and thereafter leading to the baby's death.

This sentence is a little long and clunky. Try something like: She incised the brain causing profuse bleeding that led to the baby's death.

Notoman

Dec 19, 2009

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Did your Shakespeare class get easier as you went along?

Easier? No. The workload is still oppressive and the teacher has increased expectations at the same rate that we have increased our skills, but it does look like I will swing a B. I got a 92% on my last essay! So much better than the 73%, 83%, or the 77%. Five plays and six essays in one semester ... it has been a dizzying pace!

think we have a Boddhisatva on our hands...

Ummmm ... thanks, I think, *grin* I will have to Google Boddhisatva!

Notoman

Dec 17, 2009

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Nice stab! The sing-song nature works. Iambic pentameter is supposed to have that effect. Not that I am an expert by any means (having only written one sonnet in my life), but let me share with you a little about the form I have learned in my Shakespeare class this year.

The first stanza is generally exposition, the second gives further details or maybe a anecdote, and the third might provide some kind of conflict. The couplet (you had the right terminology here) wraps things up. Shakespeare liked to introduce some kind of play on words in the couplet--they were often a bit ironic. Shakespeare packed a lot into his sonnets. In fact, part of the fun (challenge?) is seeing just how much you can say in limited syllables. Set the stage, tell the story, back up the story with some proof, and then conclude with a bold statement, ironic twist, or a bit of humor. Think more about what you want to say before trying to tackle the rhyme (teehee, I count on my fingers too).

I tried to write a quick sonnet to go along with yours, but I can't! They are not that easy.

I know that I told you to brush up on your sonnets so you could help me polish mine. I am glad to see you took me seriously, *grin* I ended up using a different piece of writing for my final project because sentences are easier than stanzas.

Mistook you for an older, more mature person.. My apologies.

A dart coupled with an apology doesn't count. Just because Jeannie finds your imagery disturbing doesn't mean that she is immature.

Notoman

Dec 11, 2009

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

Hi Sydney32! Welcome to essayforum.

Yes, I think that this is a *very* good place to help you to understand some of the types of errors that you have. Others already explained why your teacher marked the things that he did, but I will do it again anyway. Sometimes hearing the same thing in a slightly different way helps people to understand better.

1)"Each time he thinks about their misery is like a stab in the heart that never ends"

My teacher's feedback was : "The heart never ends? Modifier error"

Make this into a nonsense sentence with similar elements so you can see what "never ends" is modifying. Each time he thinks about their ice cream is like an icicle in the eye that never ends. It sounds like it is the eye that is never ending because it is the noun that is closest to the modifier. Here is another example: The army has developed a new bullet-proof vest for soldiers made of plastic. In this sentence, it looks like the soldiers, and not the vest, are made of plastic.

2) Carlos slowly walks toward the train entrance"

teacher fb: crossed out "toward" and put "to"

This one is a little pickier on your teacher's part. Generally speaking, "toward" is a direction while "to" is a destination. Think of it this way ... you ask your teacher if you can go to the bathroom, not toward the bathroom.

im dont really understand my teacher, is he being picky or what because he kept writing word choice errors all over my essay.

It is difficult to have a picky teacher, but pay attention and you will learn lessons that stick with you for life. It is hard to comment without seeing what he wrote! If you'd like to post more, I'd be happy to see if I could explain something.

I also need some help on "awkward expressions" which I tend to do alot but I dont notice them.

here's an example from my essay: "he comes to an agreement to himself"

"Himself" is what we call a reflexive pronoun. It describes an action that a person does to himself. You can bathe yourself, you can beat yourself up. I'd have to see the whole sentence. If he is indeed making a pact with himself, then we would use the word "with" instead of "to." This is tricky stuff! A person could talk to himself or he could talk with himself. He could send a letter to himself, but he could not send a letter with himself. I think because it take two people to make an agreement (even though there is only one person here--he still is agreeing between two divergent thoughts), we have to use "with." Besides, it just, uhhhh, sound right, *grin*

Try not to get discouraged. I agree with the poster who said you should try to talk with the teacher. The teacher will be able to explain things much better in a face-to-face conversation. Good luck with it!

Notoman

Dec 9, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Quick Grammar Question Dealing with Roles in Plays [5]

Thanks Kevin! I tired Googling and I looked in a couple of different style guides, but I didn't see anything. It isn't for a class, so I will leave it without the quotation marks. I was just worried that there was some rule that I was unaware of. When writing about characters in books, I never use the quotation marks so I am not sure why this one tripped me up the way it did.

BTW, I looked at the Questia website that you recommended on another thread. It does look good. Then ... I went to my library's website to see if they had a subscription. They don't have Questia, but they do have *all* kinds of resources including a literary database with hundreds and hundreds of essays on each Shakespeare play. Thanks for that direction!

Notoman

Dec 8, 2009

Undergraduate / University of Michigan-Ann Arbor : Setback Essay : Failed Calculus Course [3]

Try to put this more into the active voice where you can. I know that it isn't always possible to avoid the "to be" verbs, but the more you can omit, the better. Take a look at your verbs to see what I am talking about ... was,was, leaving, went, to go, did, staring, was, wasn't, had, cannot ...

The tenses switch back and forth from past to present tense to the future. Try to find a construction that allows for better consistency.

There doesn't seem to be enough of a lesson learned at the end of the essay. You say that you struggled with grades your junior year and there isn't much of an indication how things have been progressing your senior year. The prompt is asking for a setback, but it is also asking what you have learned from that experience. Don't give the admission personnel the impression that you are brilliant, but would still be at risk of failing out.

Here are a couple of little corrections:

She had that look in her eye

I don't know if this is necessarily wrong, but it sounds weird to me. Does your teacher have only one eye? Do her eye work independently from one another? I'd avoid all that by making "eye" plural.

As the only sophomore in the class, it was no surprise to anyone that I was less mature than the rest of the juniors and seniors in my class.

You can omit "in my class" at the end of this sentence. It is redundant and builds up your word count without building up the beef of the essay.

Notoman

Dec 7, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Quick Grammar Question Dealing with Roles in Plays [5]

If you are writing about a role that someone has played in a theatre performance, do you need to do anything special with the character's name??

John Doe portrayed Iago in the 1996 production of Othello.

John Doe portrayed "Iago" in the 1996 production of Othello.

Notoman

Dec 6, 2009

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]

I don't have much time tonight, but let me point out a couple of things before I *must* go to bed! The weekends go toooooooo fast!

You have extra spaces in some of your citations.

Due to his one dimensional aspirations; however, Iago becomes one of the most human and fallible characters that Shakespeare designs.

The semicolon and the word "however" make this sentence a little choppy. I'd drop both and let a comma suffice where the semicolon is.

In their first meeting, Iago reveals his hatred toward Othello for removing him from his post, as well as his animosity toward Michael Cassio for taking his post.

Hmmm ... I had a different reading, but then again, Shakespeare can be difficult to understand! I didn't think that Iago was demoted or that Cassio took his post. I thought that Cassio was promoted to the position that Iago wanted. You say "in their first meeting," but the reader won't know who you are talking about. It isn't Iago and Othello's first meeting. When the reader first meets Iago?

After failing to ruin Othello's relationship, Roderigo confides to Iago that he intends to kill himself.

Clarify. Relationship with who? When? This slips into plot summary (I hear that a lot from my teacher). Is there another way to put it that sticks more to the analysis?

Iago successfully captures Othello's interest by allowing Othello to take on the implied suspicion as if he discovered it alone.

Pare down your verbs a bit here. Iago successfully captures Othello's interest by allowing Othello to imply suspicion as if he discovered it alone

As Othello desperately searches for some exterior proof that Cassio would not go behind his back; Iago not only fails to provide such proof, but his repetition of Othello's words serve to mirror and amplify the sentiment until Othello cannot construe it as anything less than fact.

Use a comma instead of the semicolon. With a semicolon, you have to have a clause that could act as its own sentence (or use them in lists where you need to have them to avoid confusion with other comma, but that is a different story).

At this point, the floodgate has been opened; and Othello is set forth on a path free from logic or reason to prove Desdemona's infidelity and Cassio's insubordination.

Don't use a semicolon with a conjunction. Either replace the semicolon with a comma or drop the word "and."

"playing the sir",

Put the comma inside of the quotation marks.

"strangle her in her bed, even the bed she/ hath contaminated" (IV.i.192-193)

When the quote is written in prose, you don't need the slash for a line break. You only need that when the quote is written in verse. You can tell the difference in the text because verse will start each line with a capital even if it is not the start of a new sentence. I looked up the quote to see how it was written (to see if you needed a slash and a capital or no slash) and I had a hard time finding it. We have different versions of the play with different line numbers.

his resolve that," From this

Fix the spacing here.

Through the tragedy of "Othello", Shakespeare

Depending on the style you are using, you might want to put the title of the play in italics. If you are using quotation marks, put the comma inside the quote marks.

Good luck with it!

Notoman

Dec 5, 2009

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

In that problematic paragraph, you gave all story and no analysis. The topic sentence of that para is vague --

I'll rework that whole paragraph. I thought that I just needed to redo the last sentence, but after reading your comments and what Linmark says, I see I need even more work.

I see this is a case where you have a smart teacher who can really benefit you.

The man is brilliant and *very* dedicated. He is passionate about Shakespeare, English, and teaching. I am learning a lot, but I am afraid that I am hitting my personal wall. I have been able to coast to a large extent in my school career, but now I feel like I can't make headway regardless of how hard I paddle. I work *really* hard for this class ... I watch a production of each play on video, listen to an audio version, and then read the play--at least twice. I take the class and the teacher very seriously. The teacher knows that I am really trying and has cut me some breaks, but I still don't know if I can pull a B in this class.

I am going to work on the rewrites for a good part of the day tomorrow. The good news is that I only had one grammatical error in a five-page paper. That's the bad news too. Grammatical errors are much easier to fix than flaws in content.

Notoman

Dec 5, 2009

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

I recommend the Gunslinger series for you, or the Stand. Don't watch the movie before reading the book!

I'll pick up one or both over Christmas break. I won't be able to do any reading until then! One of the problems with beiing a high school student is that there is very little time for pleasure reading.

By the way, Kevin, when you came back from your absence, I noticed the change in your "voice" within just a couple of posts.

Notoman

Dec 4, 2009

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

Stephen King as a very distinct voice.

Yes! He does. I listened to his book On Writing this fall, and it exuded his voice--and not just because he was the author as well as the reader. It is the only Stephen King book I have read (errrr, listened to), and it made me crave more. I recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about the craft of writing.

Shel Silverstein has wonderful voice when he writes. He comes across as witty and wise, but sardonic and succinct all at the same time. His voice varies depending on whether he was writing children's books or articles for Playboy (or Grammy-winning songs), but it is still his voice.

I see voice as personality or attitude. It can be in-your-face, subtle, or it can get lost. It is style, panache, verve. It can be formal, playful, didactic, or romantic when the occasion calls for it--and all from the same writer (although most people have a niche that they are more comfortable in--for me it is grocery lists).

It is so much more than point of view or grammar, but it *is* hard to explain.

Notoman

Dec 3, 2009

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

ARGH! I scored a 77%. The good news is that I can rewrite and turn the paper in again for more points. Some of the teacher's comments make perfect sense to me (hindsight is 20/20), but I still don't know what he wants on other issues.

His general comments were: "The theme must be a significant part of the body. Allow Shakespeare to land somewhere on the topic. Also, your first and final body paragraphs do not clearly explore the two scenes. Make sure you address all parts of the prompt and maintain focus on that prompt. Your ideas are sophisticated, and your writing style is solid."

The comments within the body of the paper seem mostly positive, but I need to focus more on just the two scenes. I thought he would say that I lacked comparisons between the characters, but he didn't mention that.

I'll work up a rewrite over the weekend and post it here before I turn it in again.

Here's one thing that I don't know how to fix. He highlighted the last sentence of this paragraph and says, ""This idea is engaging, but on the surface, these events occur after the trial is over. Clarify how they tie to that scene." Here's the paragraph:

UGH! Okay ... so can I tie that concept to the scenes? Do I need to just delete the last sentence or find a way to incorporate it because the "idea is engaging"?

Man, I worked *hard* on this essay. I thought it would score better than a 77%. I feel like quitting school and living in a van by the river (hyperbole is the best thing EVER!).

Notoman

Dec 3, 2009

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]

"Theater is dialogue, is speech. What does this character say? How do you interpret the exchanges they have with other characters (particularly in comparison to what they say in private)? If your character never reveals their private thoughts to the audience, how do you interpret that? It is wisest to select a key scene or two that you find exemplary or crucial to this character's development."

I have been thinking about this. The prompt really seems to be asking about Iago's speech and what we learn about the man from what he says. Here are my thoughts on how to approach that:

Make a distinction between what Iago says to others and what he says in his soliloquies. He often contradicts himself when he is talking with others (the conversations about reputation with Roderigo and then with later with Othello, for example). When Iago says that "that 'twixt my sheets/ He has done my office," we don't know if he believes that Othello has bedded his wife or if his story of "three great ones of the city" recommending him for promotion is true. Is Iago creating these stories as a reason to hate Othello and justify his evil machinations. Iago has many soliloquies in this play--both long and short. In these soliloquies, where he is addressing the audience directly, we can assume that he is being honest--perhaps the only time he *is* honest in the play (in spite of everyone's else's assertions that Iago is an honest man). The soliloquies foreshadow and create dramatic irony. It is interesting to note how many soliloquies Iago has while Othello doesn't have one until he is about to murder Desdemona. This is because Othello is an open and honest character who readily speaks his mind in front of the other characters (until he loses his mind, at least). Iago, on the other hand, is (mostly) kind to people's faces, but hides a sinister nature. We learn about Iago's inner workings from his asides and soliloquies.

What about the way Iago speaks? He is rather crude. This is brushed aside by the other characters are merely the course speech of a soldier, but Iago uses his speech intentionally to incite emotion in his victim. From telling Bratanio that "an old black ram/ Is topping your white ewe," to impugning Desdemona's character and speaking of her as if she is a lascivious prostitute, Iago's speech is vulgar.

When choosing scenes to focus on, I would think it would work well to pick one where Iago is speaking publicly and another where he is speaking in soliloquy.

BUT ... don't listen to me! I just got my last Shakespeare paper back and I only got a 77% on it! Of course, I do have the world's *most* difficult teacher. It was wise of you to email your opening to the professor to check if you were on the right track. You don't want to spend too much time on a subject if you are going to have to switch trains. Is this a college class? Is it just Shakespeare or is it literature-based?

The Othello paper for my class will need to be something dealing with Shakespeare's craft and structure. I might do something exploring the use of soliloquies in the play.

Good luck with it! I'd love to see how it comes out.

Notoman

Dec 2, 2009

Writing Feedback / David Thoreau and Martin Luther King Jr. [3]

David Thoreau and Martin Luther King Jr. both in similar ways use rhetorical devices to intrigue the reader about the duty of us as Americans and the rights of colored people in Thoreau's, "Civil Disobedience" and King's, "Letter from Birmingham Jail."

This sentence gets confusing. Cut back on the little words so that the main point can stand front and center. You might rewrite it like this: David Thoreau, in "Civil Disobedience," and Martin Luther King, Jr., in his "Letter from Birmingham Jail," use rhetorical devices to call the reader to action in the fight for equal rights.

They both in their pieces use plenty of allusions, anaphora, and rhetorical questions to hold on to the reader as they read.

Both authors use allusions, anaphora, and rhetorical questions to engage the reader.

In Dr. King and Thoreau's pieces they address the wrongs being imposed on African Americans to their religious leaders and their peers.

King's and Thoreau's pieces address the wrongs imposed African American religious leaders and their peers. (You need to make King possessive as well or it look like King and Thoreau created writing together).

Why is Thoreau just Thoreau while King gets Dr. before his name? Yes, I know that King had a doctorate degree, but to keep the comparisons more parallel, I'd omit the Dr. except at the beginning where you introduce King. I'd also add the Henry to Thoreau's name the first time--Henry David Thoreau.

By Thoreau continuingly asking questions, he is questioning the reader's opinion on the situation.

He isn't questioning the reader's opinion, he is asking the reader to form one. "Continuingly" isn't a word. Try something like this instead: By Thoreau continuously asking questions, he prods the reader to form an opinion on the situation.

He is leading his audience to be more lenient on his grasp of the problem.

"Lenient" is the wrong word here. Try: He is leading the audience to grasp an understanding of the problem.

Sorry! That is all I have time for right now. Let me know if this assignment is still pending.

Notoman

Dec 2, 2009

Poetry / poem about a thousand splendid suns [3]

A poem? Can you post the prompt from the teacher? A Thousand Splendid Suns is one of my favorite books,but I don't rally understand what your assignment is.