Posts by Notoman

Notoman

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

That makes sense, thanks. But what do you feel about me using smarter/dumber. Do you think I am being too blunt?

I'm not crazy about the smarter/dumber thing. It comes across as slightly childish and lacks understanding and acceptance of people as individuals with their own valuable attributes. While it is true (for the most part) that people with high IQs will be high wage earners, stratifying society based on a person's ability to take an IQ test (which is really what IQ tests test--one's ability to take an IQ test) isn't the best thing to do in a college admission essay. Of course there will always be people smarter than you and dumber than you. And even a person who would score very low on an IQ test will most likely have specialized knowledge in some area where you lack experience (it could be in stalking deer, manning a forklift, or calming an inconsolable child).

You have some valuable feedback on this thread. Mustafa was the most surgical with your essay (hence the blood flow), but his input is valuable. I have yet to have the privilege of having Mustafa comment on my essays. He can be blunt, but he knows his stuff.

Notoman

Sep 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

I like the essay. I get complacent myself sometimes--until something comes along to kick me in the butt. The older I get, the more bruised my backside.

There were a couple of parts that I think could be improved. Here are a few thoughts:

The bell rang, and my teacher started off by warning us of the dedicated effort expected and the importance of trying.

This sentence gets wordy and redundant, especially toward the end. Tighten it up a little. Try something like: "The bell rang, and my teacher warned us of the dedication and effort expected."

Uninterested, I nodded off to Eminem's beats while daydreaming about the football game later that night.

Did you literally nod off to Eminem's beats? This gets a little confusing and leaves the reader with the mental image of you sneaking your iPod into class. It paints you as not merely disinterested and overconfident, but recalcitrant. Not the best image to leave an admissions counselor with even if it is in past tense. You could leave in the nodding off and the daydreaming, but I would omit the part about Eminem.

I managed to duck out with a low but passing grade, and merely shrugged it off as a fluke.

While this sentence isn't wrong, it isn't flowing very well either. How about something like this instead: I shrugged off my barely-passing grade as a fluke.

my grades would regress back to perfection

Regress isn't the right word here. Yes, it can mean to return to a previous state, but it strongly suggests backsliding, lapsing, or retreating. Regressing is not forward motion.

I would claim back

Reclaim.

a slew of horrific grades what would make Thomas Edison proud.

The Edison reference isn't working for me. If you were to say that the horrific grades would make Bart Simpson proud, it would make more sense in mind, but I don't equate Thomas Edison with pride in poor grades.

I contemplated dropping out of [the school i go to] and transferring into a less competitive school.

Is the admissions committee going to recognize the name of your high school?

There was a solid fifty grand while others were busy failing their exams.

You lost me on this thought. It sounds like everyone was failing their exams, but I am sure that some were prepared for the challenge. It needs to be about you. This isn't the director's cut of a movie where you get to explain why you shot a particular scene the way that you did--make sure that audience knows what you are talking about just from the essay.

Lost, I stumbled home to my mother, who was in the kitchen making dinner.

This sentence is feeling a little awkward to me. The second comma wouldn't be needed because you aren't setting up an appositive. Try something like: Lost, I stumbled home and found my mom making dinner in the kitchen.

there will be peers that are smarter than me, and peers that are dumber than me.

Peer connotes equality. It is kind of like saying, "there will be equals that are smarter than me, and equals that are dumber than me." Substitute a different word--people, classmates, students.

It is something I've been pushing onto myself ever since.

It is unclear to me what "it" is in this sentence. Pushing onto yourself? This sentence is too vague--ten words that don't really say anything. I struggles with conclusions myself, so I understand how difficult they can be, but you need to end this on a stronger note to leave a good impression with the admissions people.

I hope that you don't feel like I murdered your essay--there is no blood anywhere, no traces of cyanide, no malice from me toward your words. Your writing is strong and you have a good grasp of grammar, but there is room for improvement. The subtleties and nuance of language can make a good essay better.

Notoman

Sep 25, 2009

Writing Feedback / 'How I adapted to fit in' - Meaningful experience [10]

helps one get through choppy seas

I'd like to see you spice up your language just a little bit. Why not navigate choppy seas?

I'd also like to see a little bit more sentence variety. As I was reading your essay, I felt a bit of a cadence to the piece ... the sentences seemed to be of about the same length with a bit of a sing song feel. Use a few short, punchy sentences. A few that are longer and more complex. Use an apositive. Now that I take a second look, you do have a lot of variety and complex structures, but I still see the cadence. I don't know if I can explain what I mean.

Wishing you the best!

Notoman

Sep 25, 2009

Poetry / Shakespeare's Sonnet #73 Translation [4]

We had to do a line-by-line translation of this Sonnet. DON'T TELL ME if I got it totally wrong. We aren't allowed to use ANY outside resources and I am afraid that if the pros (or someone who has read Cliff Notes) tell me what the Sonnet is really about, it will be obvious to my teacher.

But you can tell me if I have the sexual references totally wrong. I worry that I am being a teenage boy with a teenage mind. I'd be embarrassed if there really is nothing sexual in the Sonnet. Shakespeare wasn't afraid to write about sex, but I don't want to read something into it that isn't there. Here's my translation:

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
(I am getting old. You can probably see that.)
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
(My hair is getting gray and starting to fall out.)
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
(My joints hurt when it gets cold outside.)
Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
(And even my voice is starting to warble.)
In me thou seest the twilight of such day
(You think of me as the young man you fell in love with.)
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
(But I am fading.)
Which by and by black night doth take away,
(Even my eyesight is failing me.)
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
(I am afraid I will go to sleep and never wake up.)
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire
(You want me to be your lover with a flame of passion,)
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
(But I might need some Viagra to help there;)
As the death-bed whereon it must expire
(And it is killing me. The bed that was once for love is now for the sick and dying.)
Consumed with that which it was nourish'd by.
(It is because I love you that this hurts like it does.)
This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,
(Because you love me the way I am, your love is a true one.)
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.
(Love me well now because I won't be around much longer.)

Thank you!

Notoman

Sep 23, 2009

Research Papers / Need ideas for a research paper [12]

I'll second the OWL (online writing lab)at Purdue. They are highly respected and have a lot of great resources.

Notoman

Sep 23, 2009

Essays / "does this world still have heroes" - ROTC essay Contest [3]

For an ROTC essay, you would need to take the stance that the world does indeed have heroes and focus on the military heroes. Stay-at-home moms could certainly be construed as heroes as could college professors, but you need to consider the purpose. How about something on our Medal of Honor winners? Even though the military has drastically cut back on the number of Medals of Honor it awards (in part because warfare has changed and is not as face-to-face as it was in previous wars), we still have heroes. There are only 95 living MoH recipients. Only six Medals have been awarded since Vietnam and all of those were posthumously.

Or ... do you know a veteran you could highlight? My Uncle Ercole just died this past week at the age of 90 (I am named after him). He was a World War II vet. He was awarded a couple of Purple Hearts and and a Bronze Star, but the real heroism I see in him is his willingness and ability to rise to the occasion when duty called. Going from a mill worker who had never been more than a few dozen miles away from his small town in the Colorado mountains to fighting in a war in Africa, Asia, and Europe (yes, he has service medals from all three arenas) must have been quite the change.

Or ... you could highlight just one Medal of Honor winner. George Sakato was a friend of my grandfather's when they worked together at the Post Office. He earned his Medal of Honor in World War II, but it wasn't awarded until 2000. Sakato is a Japanese American and prejudice kept him from receiving the medal he was due at the time. His family was forced to sell their produce store in California at a great loss and relocate to the interior--Arizona in their case. When he tried to enlist, "Enemy Alien" was stamped on his rejection letter. He was eventually allowed to join a segregated unit that fought in Europe. Sakato made a one-man attack on an enemy emplacement. Even though he was wounded and greatly outnumbered, he heroically took out the emplacement in a fashion reminiscent of Sergeant York.

Or ... you could focus on a particular job in the military and how that is heroic. Even someone manning a radar screen is vital.

Notoman

Sep 23, 2009

Undergraduate / "The Luger" - Stanford Common Application essay! [10]

Honestly? It is risky. Colleges may not have the reaction that you want when you talk about your love for a gun. Then again, I live in post-Columbine Colorado so things might be more sensitive here than they are other places.

Notoman

Sep 22, 2009

Writing Feedback / Puerile Prince or Stalwart King: An Analysis of Shakespeare's Henry V [7]

I'll leave it to other forum members to say whether or not they agree with your analysis of the play itself.

What? Are you saying that I misinterpreted the play? *wink* It wouldn't surprise me. Shakespeare is hard.

I don't notice an over-reliance on passive verbs at all.

I'll probably lose points for having any passive verbs. Oh well. I tried to rewrite some of the sentences, but the construction got a little weird. I figured it was better to leave some of them in and have the piece as a whole flow better.

Thanks Simone!

Notoman

Sep 21, 2009

Undergraduate / "Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay [21]

I love dashes too. Make sure to format it correctly for your final version though. You need an em-dash in this case--a dash that is the width of the letter "m." Some electronic submission forms don't allow you to add an em-dash. Some word processing programs will automatically substitute an em-dash when you type two hyphens, but not all. You can get one using the ALT keys (ALT+0151). Em-dashes can be just a little informal though. There are times when a semicolon works better.

This is a well-written essay, but here are a few of my thoughts as I read it:

In today's modern world, where news is instantaneous, communication is possible with the press of a button, and technology allows us to go where no one has gone before-boundaries take on a whole new realm.

Whoa, Nelly. This is a pretty long opening sentence. As written, it feels like it is coming from a mind on two too many Red Bulls. Tightening it just a bit will maintain the thought without the rapid-fire feeling. Try this as a simple rewrite: In the modern world, with instantaneous news and communication possible with the press of a button, technology allows us to go where no one has gone before; boundaries take on a whole new realm.

The word "where" seems to set the reader up for an appositive, but then you delve into a list. I simply changed the sentence so it does use an appositive.

limitlessness is the human fantasy

I dunno. I have other fantasies. Most of them involve girl in bikinis, but I digress. Instead of saying "the" human fantasy, I'd change it to "a" human fantasy.

With this mindset, society is slowly becoming embarrassed of anything which doesn't flaunt progress

Embarrassed of? Embarrassed by? I can't help but think you have the wrong word here. Is society embarrassed by things that don't flaunt progress? People may own Kindles, but I don;t see society being embarrassed by books.

underscores the Promethean myth in which the quest to surpass limits, only leads to self destruction.

Omit that comma. Comma use can be a question of style. You like your commas. This comma, however, asks the reader to take a breath in a spot that disrupts the flow.

and do the best we can with them.

Instead of "with them," how about "within them?"

Good work. Your essay is an engaging read.

Notoman

Sep 21, 2009

Writing Feedback / Puerile Prince or Stalwart King: An Analysis of Shakespeare's Henry V [7]

Help! Pretty please. I am not the happiest with this essay. My teacher is the toughest grader I have ever had so I know he'll rip this apart. I'd much rather go through the shredding here. C'mon, bring it on. I can take it, *wink*

The transitions don't seem to be working, I am afraid I use too many passive verbs, and I don't want the vocabulary to look like it was plucked out of a thesaurus.

The structure is a little odd because of the format we were given:
For much of the play, Henry seems to be __________________________ because of these three moments in the play:
______________________ ______________________ ______________ ________.
However, the moment in the play that challenges this view of Henry is_____________________________ because in this scene ____________________________________________________________ _________________
Based on this scene and the other three mentioned above, the complex theme Shakespeare seems to develop is
____________________________________________________________ _________________

Shakespeare opens Henry V in the first act with the Bishops of Ely and Canterbury extolling Henry's virtues. The Bishop of Ely calls Henry "a true lover of the holy church" (1.1.25) while the Bishop of Canterbury admits that "The courses of his youth promised it not" (1.1.27). Henry, known as Prince Hal in Shakespeare's Henry IV plays, has a proclivity for the profligate; but in the opening lines of Henry V, "a heady currance scour his faults" (Bishop of Canterbury 1.1.36), and Henry is held up as a mature, scholarly king and the stalwart sovereign of his domain. The echoes of the immature and arrogant prince exhibit themselves throughout much of the play as Henry fails to take responsibility for his actions, toys with the people around him, and bumbles his way through battles. Henry V sheds his youthful indulgences and is at his most heroic in his oration just before the battle at Agincourt. As he rallies his men behind the patriotic cause, he importunes his soldiers to stand shoulder to shoulder with him and fight to a glorious victory against the much larger French forces.

There are several incidents in the play where Henry puts the responsibility for his actions onto others. Henry seeks to invade France and claim the crown for his own, but he is reluctant to answer for the English lives the war will cost. Henry lays the burden of the decision on the Bishop of Canterbury, telling him, "take heed how you impawn our person,/ How you awake our sleeping sword of war" (1.2.24-25) and disavows guilt. Even as Henry threatens the town of Harfleur with the rape of its women, the elders' "heads dashed to the walls," and "naked infants spitted upon pikes," (3.3.37-38), he eschews blame for the carnage he threatens by telling the men of Harfleur, "What is 't to me, when you yourselves are cause" (3.3.19).

Henry exhibits immaturity when he toys with people in lopsided games, assured of victory by his station in life. In 4.1, Henry borrows Erpingham's cloak so he may wander among his men incognito. Henry engages a soldier named Williams in conversation. Williams offends Henry when he says that the King may claim that he will not be ransomed and "he [says] so to make us fight cheerfully, but when our throats are cut, he may be ransomed and we ne'er the wiser" (4.1.199-201). Henry and Williams exchange gloves in a promise to fight and Williams is unaware that he has just quarreled with the King. Henry amuses himself further when he sets up Fluellen to take Williams' blow by having Fluellen wear the glove in his cap and telling Fluellen that "If any man challenge this, he is a friend of Alençon and an enemy to our person. If thou encounter any such, apprehend him, an thou dost me love" (4.7.163-166).

Henry appears to be a youthful King out of his league blundering his way through France. It is providence not proficiency that helps Henry to win battles. After the battle of Agincourt, Henry admits to Montjoy, "I know not if the day be ours or no" (4.7.88). With the English suffering only twenty nine deaths while the French lose ten thousand men, Henry's ignorance is astonishing. Henry then has to ask Montjoy where they are.

In spite of these foibles and follies, Henry is the heroic King and leader of men. Henry is at his best while giving his Saint Crispin's Day speech to his troops. The English are greatly outnumbered at Agincourt; Henry's soldiers are gloomy with the prospect of defeat. Henry bolsters their morale with a rousing oration that garners the soldiers' loyalty to the King. Decrying the greater number of French combatants, Henry tells his men "The fewer men, the greater share of honor" (4.3.25) they will enjoy for their victory. Henry promises them lasting glory for their victory, saying, "This story shall the good man teach his son,/ And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,/ From this day to the ending of the world,/ But we in it shall be remembered" (4.3.58-61). In saying that "he who sheds his blood with me/ Shall be my brother" (4.3.63), Henry is elevating even the basest soldier to the exalted position of royal sibling. Henry refuses Montjoy's offer to negotiate a ransom and surrender and stands amidst his soldiers as they battle the French.

It is in this inspirational speech on Saint Crispin's Day that Henry V takes his biggest step on the journey from puerile prince to stalwart king. Henry shows great leadership and charisma in his call-to-arms. Henry's fellowship with his men enables the outnumbered English to strike a decisive blow to the French defenders. When all hope appears to be lost, Henry rises to the occasion. Henry sets himself apart from his men, he comes across as immature and inexperienced, but when Henry stands with his men as "We few, we happy few, we band of brothers" (4.3.62), Henry lives up to the elevated proclamations of valor and grandeur Shakespeare promises in the opening lines of the play.

THANK YOU!

Notoman

Sep 18, 2009

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

JK Rowling's books are so much more well written and developed than the Twilight books.

True! Yes, I read the Twilight series--my girlfriend made me. She said that I reminded her of Edward so my curiosity was piqued. The Harry Potter books are *much* better written. I am amazed at how well developed they are and how Rowling was able to maintain the continuity (with only one little slip up) throughout the series. I have to admit, I learned a lot of Latin from Harry Potter.

Is La Cuidad de las Bestias in Spanish? If it is in English, was it originally in Spanish? Is the translation any good? Is it worth the read? Hablo espańol pero los verbos son muy difícil para mi porque hace mucho tiempos. (As you can tell from that sentence, it would be tough for me to read it in Spanish).

Notoman

Sep 18, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Henry V Paragraph (received a 65% on it) [8]

2. Have you heard of Google?

I tried looking up "Google" in the dictionary and it wasn't there, *wink* This is the teacher that strictly prohibits any outside sources or study guides. He wants us to struggle through Shakespeare in order to really learn how to read him. He doesn't want his students using the spoon feeding that is available. I am paranoid of incurring his wrath if I step out of his boundaries. I get his point. I think I will come out the other side of this with a great knowledge and appreciation for Shakespeare.

Do you know, Shakespeare's copyright claims expired centuries ago. All of his plays are freely available on-line. Why, a student who felt particularly ambitious might even call up a copy and read them. Or go to that biggish building, the one with all the books that they let you borrow for free, what do they call it again . . . "library," I think it was? They might have a copy or two of the other Henry plays floating around . . .

I love you and hate you at the same time. I love your wry sense of humor and your ability to mock while helping. I hate you because your suggestion is impractical. I haven't gotten to bed before midnight since this school year has started. I take that back. I have been asleep before the clock sees double digits on the weekends. Reading all of the sonnets and Henry V within a couple of weeks has been difficult enough (and doing the homework assignments that go along with them) without adding Henry IV (I & II) and then Richard II for good measure. Might as well toss in Henry VI (I, II, & II). If only I could read while I sleep.

the notion of theme is confusing because of how the word is used.

Why, yes, it is confusing. I am relatively new to the concept of theme. My foundational knowledge of theme isn't strong enough to tackle Shakespeare's history plays with any semblance of panache. Your explanation helps A LOT.

And how much was the essay, er, paragraph, worth, as a percentage of your final grade? I'm guessing you still have plenty of room to recover.

It is hard to say. We've had ten homework assignments thus far. Most of them have been worth ten points. Biographical questions on Shakespeare that took me about six hours to complete were worth 40. This assignment was worth 20 points. We have a test tomorrow over Henry V and I have really studied hard for it--I don't know how many points it is worth as high school teachers aren't always forthcoming with that kind of information. I do have time to recover assuming I can figure out how to play the game. This grade hasn't been my only low score in this class. Do you remember the sonnet analysis that I posted? That scored a 50%.

I am not complaining. This class is really stretching me. It is what I imagine college classes to be like. I want to rise to the occasion, but I feel like I have a hundred-pound weight chained around my neck. Can I borrow a pair of bolt cutters?

Thank you so much for taking the time to walk me through this and for listening to my laments.

Notoman

Sep 18, 2009

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

In addition to completing the Academic Interest Essay, please choose and discuss a quotation or personal motto that reflects your values and beliefs and tells us something about the kind of person you are. Your response should total approximately 500 to 750 words.

Good to know! Yes, you need a quote.

Liebe's idea (with Simone's echo) would work well. I like both of the quotes that you mentioned. They come across as much less arrogant and either one would make a good foundation for an essay.

I don't think that Harry Potter would be too childish. I am not even sure why they are classified as children's books--especially the later volumes. Rowling didn't exactly dumb down her writing or put constraints on the length of her text. The Harry Potter books are more akin to Alice in Wonderland, without the LSD. British schools have added Potter to the required reading list for A-levels.

Notoman

Sep 18, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Henry V Paragraph (received a 65% on it) [8]

Thanks Sean! That is *exactly* what I needed to hear. I think that this teacher expects a lot out of a group of high school students--this isn't even an honors or AP class. On the bright side, I will learn and this is good preparation for college.

Thematic issues, not so much.

I am struggling with theme! I don't know what the themes are in this play. A good king must be willing to make sacrifices including his personal life? United we stand--as in the play has various groups (the Irish, the Welsh, Scottish, and English) all fighting for a common cause under Henry? God loves the English? Divine right versus divine might? Good fences make good neighbors? (Just kidding on that last one)

You don't seem to reference any of the other plays

This is the first play we have read--it is only the middle of September. The teacher expects us to come at this with a lot of previous knowledge. We did have a brief lecture about how Henry V ties into Shakespeare's other plays, but not enough information to really reference those pieces.

After reading your response, I understand *much* better why my paragraph scored as low as it did. I think I was thrown, in part, by the word "paragraph" and didn't attempt to develop it nearly as much as I would an essay. I was also stymied by my inability to understand the theme (not a good place to start when you are writing!).

But a D? I may not have brought the cow, but my bull should have been worth a 70%.

On the other hand, the second option seems like it would work really well with what you have now. Pick three scenes in which Henry seems immature/arrogant/uncaring, etc, then one in which that idea is challenged.

Perfect! Okay, so I am not going to get this essay written tonight like I hoped, but at least I have a starting point. Off to make an outline ...

Notoman

Sep 17, 2009

Undergraduate / From a public school to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school - I need a simile [10]

It is the "enraptured mother" that is bothering me. It can have two different meanings and neither one of them is working here. The first meaning is being overcome with joy. The second is someone in the process of literally being transported to heaven.

Notoman

Sep 17, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Henry V Paragraph (received a 65% on it) [8]

Oh, I forgot: I lost points for using a contraction too ("doesn't" in the second to last sentence). My fault there. The instructions specially said not to use contractions. I need to be more careful. Sometimes I write like I think and forget about using formal voice.

How could I make the first sentence stronger as a thesis? Do I need to be more obvious? Something like: The execution of Bardolph showcases Henry's transformation from a callow and irresponsible prince to an intrepid leader of his kingdom with an eye toward the future.

I am really struggling with the larger essay. I can't even figure out what I am going to write about!

Here are the basic instructions:

Chose one part (a scene or less). In a well-developed, multi-paragraph essay, discuss how the part complicates and enriches our grasp of the play as a whole. Whether you explore this question in terms of characters) or issue, either way, make sure that you take your discussion to level of theme. As you try to arrive at a message/moral/point/theme, consider the question: To what does Shakespeare show allegiance/support?

He gave us a prep sheet that confuses me even more. He wants us to use a "Part to Whole" approach. Here is the sheet:

For much of the play, the author's message (not about Henry and not just a thematic idea like glory, war, mercy, etc) seems to be ________________________________________________ because of these three moments in the play:

______________________ ______________________ ______________ ________.

However, the moment in the play that challenges this theme is ______________________________ because in this scene ____________________________________________________________ ____

Based on this scene and the other three mentioned above, the complex theme Shakespeare develops is
____________________________________________________________ _________________

OR

For much of the play, Henry seems to be __________________________ because of these three moments in the play:
______________________ ______________________ ______________ ________.

However, the moment in the play that challenges this view of Henry is_____________________________ because in this scene ____________________________________________________________ _________________

Based on this scene and the other three mentioned above, the complex theme (not about Henry and not just a thematic idea like glory, war, mercy, etc) Shakespeare seems to develop is

____________________________________________________________ _________________

I thought I might do something about the Kingly vestments and how they command respect for the office and then use the scene where Henry dresses in common clothes and mingles with the men as the "challenge" to that view, but it isn't really a challenge because he isn't in his royal garb. It does support the idea that the respect, especially at first, is shown to the station in life and not necessarily the man. And the theme? I have no idea what the theme is.

Thanks Simone! Your help means the world to this lost and forlorn lad.

Notoman

Sep 17, 2009

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

I understand what you were trying to do after reading your explanations. I love watching the directors' commentaries on movies because I can learn what was going through the directors' minds as they were filming scenes. Scenes are sometimes interpreted completely differently by viewers than the directors intended. I think that is your problem here--you have all these thoughts about how you would like to write your essay, but without the commentary of your intentions, the essay is seen very differently by your readers. You won't have a chance to explain yourself to the committee beyond the writing you send them. Maybe sure that writing says what you want it to say without any room for a negative interpretation.

I don't think I would use a quote at all. This is your college application essay. With tight word limits, you should be talking more about yourself than presenting quotes from others. It can work, but the college app essays that are really effective show instead of tell. Share your attributes through a narrative that shows the admissions people what kind of person you are.

Notoman

Sep 17, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Henry V Paragraph (received a 65% on it) [8]

This is an assignment that I received a 65% on. We have the full-blown essay due on Tuesday and I *need* to do much better on that. I thought I would post the instructions and the paragraph here for feedback. I'd like to figure out where I fell short so I can do better on the big assignment. Granted, this teacher is the toughest grader I have ever had, but I am still a little clueless why the assignment scored as low as it did.

Discuss the significance of the execution. To get full credit, consider it in light of character development, thematic issues, and echoes of early events in this play (and the other Henry plays), and/or symbolism. Respond in a developed, formally written (avoid I, we, you, me, my, us, our, your, things, stuff, a lot, contractions) paragraph. Open with a strong topic sentence that functions as the "thesis" for the paragraph. You can refer to the scene using the number format modeled above. Make use of direct quotes that you parenthetically document correctly.

Henry, with his commitment to justice and concern for his reputation among the French people, shows maturation and leadership in Act Three, Scene Six. Henry's friend, Bardolph, is accused of pilfering a religious object from the French and is "to be executed for robbing a church" (Fluellen 3.6.103). Henry had been friends with Bardolph when he was a young prince and Bardolph had been a part of Henry's own drinking and stealing in his younger days. Henry shows no mercy to his former friend, saying, "We would have all such offenders so cut off" (3.6.109-110). The younger Henry would have interceded on behalf of his friend, but King Henry V sees his role as being the enforcer of order through swift and harsh justice. Henry has an eye toward his reputation as a king, and knowing that "the gentler gamester is the soonest winner" (3.6.115-116), has ordered his men that "there be nothing compelled from the villages, nothing taken but paid for, none of the French upbraided or abused in disdainful language" (3.6.111-114). Henry hopes to rule the French after he wins the battle and has an eye toward leniency with his future subjects that he doesn't hold for Bardolph. In this scene, Henry is propelled on his journey from puerile prince to stalwart king.

I lost points because I said "Act Three, Scene Six," and I should have written "3.6." I knew to do it that way in parenthetical documentation, but it feels weird to do it in the body. No problem. I can be taught. I also lost points for not developing my analysis enough or stating what "theme" this scene supports. That is where I am lost. I would love input on how to improve.

(Yes, I did try to talk to my teacher, but he told me to make an appointment. I think that he has the impression that I am a grade-grubbing idiot instead of a kid who just wants to do it right).

Notoman

Sep 17, 2009

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

I was told it sounded to cocky.

Why yes, it does sound too cocky. Instead of being obsessed with France, animals, food, heroes, and saving the world, you come across as being obsessed with yourself.

I won't go into any grammar corrections because this piece needs a complete rewrite, but I will give you a few thoughts:

Spell out numbers--especially those small ones like, "three-month old."

When you do your rewrite, don't go into your birth weight like is it something that makes you superior--your weight at birth has no bearing on your odds of being successful in college.

The use of so many rhetorical questions in a formal essay is distracting. Stop asking the reader to think and let them get on with your narrative.

Watch your capitalization. The list in Schindler's List should be capitalized, for example, while law and school should not be. Keep in mind the difference between common nouns (any old law school, or even a top law school) and proper nouns (Harvard Law School). Usually a word like list would not be capitalized, but this is Schindler's List, and it is the title of a movie.

Notoman

Sep 17, 2009

Undergraduate / I learned to enjoy spending hours after school running and spending time with my team mates [7]

I'd like to see this read a little more like a narrative than a chronology. Cross country is *tough*. Show the reader just how tough it is (besides the early-morning practices). Talk more about the journey and the growth. Explain the experience with examples.

Notoman

Sep 16, 2009

Essays / Topic for essay meaning. What is "Life of the Mind?" [4]

Did your teacher use the term in context? Is it a philosophy, music, or psychology course? The way I understand it, "life of the mind" means the enrichment of the mind as it pertains to cognitive functioning.

Notoman

Sep 15, 2009

Graduate / 'in different capacities' - AMCAS Essay [5]

Not bad, not bad at all, but I know you want it to be perfect. It could use a little cleaning (of errors) and a little tightening (there are a lot of auxiliary and passive verbs that don't add to your narrative). It could also use a little more sentence variety. I hope that you don't mind my nitpicking here.

My curiosity for medicine materialized by growing up going to Cook County Hospital (currently known as John Stroger Medical Center) and observing how doctors went the extra mile to help patients.

Curiosity isn't the best word here. You haven't used it incorrectly, but one of the connotations of curiosity is that the person is interested in things that do not concern them. It also has a quality about it that isn't very serious--a person might have a curiosity in a passing whim. I am not crazy about "by growing up going to," but I am having a hard time rephrasing that right now.

When I was younger, my family did not have the luxury of being able to afford medical insurance.

This is a little verbose. There are an awful lot of verbs that are just hanging out not doing much. Try something like: As a child, my family was unable to afford medical insurance.

Through this experience I saw first hand how patients in an urban community were treated.

Add a comma after the word experience. Or reword this sentence altogether to omit some of the verbs: I experienced first hand how patients in urban communities are treated. I used the present tense because things have not changed all that much since you were a patient and you are hoping to change the way urban patients are treated. I also changed communities to the plural because you are able to extrapolate. Let me add another thought here ... you start off by saying how wonderful the doctors are and then you deride the system before stating again that the doctors treat everyone. As a reader, I feel like I am on a roller coaster. It is okay for you to say that there is room for improvement, but the ride needs a little more transition.

The quality of health care is adequate, but the vast number of patients compared to the number of doctors is astounding.

This is a place where you could make that transition. While the medical staff is high quality, the exorbitant patient to provider ratio is daunting. If you are going to use the word healthcare, it should be one word. My spellchecker highlights it, but it is the more common usage and is easier on the eyes.

Patients either wait long hours or give up and leave without seeing the doctor at all.

Take out give up and. It doesn't add anything and it makes it sound like the patients are not terribly sick, but make the choice not to wait to be seen by a doctor.

The realization of this dilemma inspired my current decision to volunteer at a free clinic and my future aspirations of practicing medicine at an urban hospital such as John Stroger Medical Center.

Realization isn't the best word here because it can confuse the reader. It can mean that you are becoming aware of something, but it also means bringing a plan to fruition. The way it reads, the sentence could be saying that the current dilemma is the result of someone's evil machinations that are just now being realized. Future and aspirations are redundant when used together. Aspirations, by their very nature, are in the future (unless you are using past-tense verbs, but I am not going to get bogged down in possible scenarios here). I'd drop "such as John Stroger Medical Center" here. It isn't needed and adds unnecessarily to the word count. Especially when you start your next sentence with John ...

showed me that a true medical professional cares for the patient

I think this would have more impact if you pluralized it. ... showed me that true medical professionals care for patients ... there is more continuity there and the mental picture that you saw more than one doctor caring for more than one patient on more than one occasion.

That is what I want to do; I want to be a doctor that gives privileged services to the underprivileged, especially underprivileged children.

I'd change up the words here a little instead of hitting the reader with the right, left, right combo of privileged, underprivileged, underprivileged. It is my own bias, but I am not crazy about the words privileged and underprivileged. What does privileged mean really? A special right given to a few. And underprivileged? A privilege is often something that is not tangible. I guess you could say that medical care is a privilege, but it isn't flowing for me. The second underprivileged is unnecessary regardless. If it were my essay (and it is not so feel free to ignore this), I'd say: That is what I want to do; I want to be a doctor that provides high-quality services to the underprivileged, especially children.

Whew! It takes a long time when I nitpick. I'll let other comment more or come back later if you don't mind my (figurative) red ink.

Notoman

Sep 15, 2009

Letters / Impressed by her enthusiastic manner; Recommendation written by teacher [7]

Simone is right. You did say that this was part of your teacher's letter. You could post the whole letter here to see if it flows the way it needs to.

The Students' Company is a company run by our schoolmates, and we sell something among students such as second-hand books and notes.. Ok, maybe I should call it a program.. but the company is licensed.

I see. How about something like this: Throughout high school, she has enthusiastically participated in many student activities from the English Drama Festival to the Students' Company Activity, a student-run store, which have showcased her versatility.

Notoman

Sep 15, 2009

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Good or bad for more information? [7]

How can I quote what others said?

Highlight the text that you want to quote and then click on "quote" right underneath their reply box (next to "reply")

Notoman

Sep 15, 2009

Letters / Impressed by her enthusiastic manner; Recommendation written by teacher [7]

I have also discovered her to be passionate and perseverant in extracurricular activities.

I have also discovered her to be passionate and persevering in extracurricular activities.

Impressed by her enthusiastic manner, I chose her as the hostess of the First English Speaking Contest of our school, and Miss XX proved to be the best for this work.

Impressed by her enthusiastic manner, I chose her to host the First English Speaking Contest at our school and Miss XX performed wonderfully. (I know that I changed the words a little there, but I think that the original intent is intact).

Her fluent speaking and witty manner, gained by constant practice and improvements, enabled her to perform well as the hostess

Her fluent speaking gained by constant practice enabled her to perform her duties as host in a witty manner.

And I appreciate it very much that though it was the first time she tried to take such a job, she was able to manage it perfectly.

Even though it was the first time she attempted such a job, she managed it perfectly.

In the past high school years, she has enthusiastically taken part in many other students activities, such as the School English Drama Festival, the Student's Company Activity, etc, which has also seen her versatility by serving quite a few positions.

Throughout high school, she has enthusiastically participated in many student activities such as the English Drama Festival and the Students' Company Activity which have showcased her versatility.

People in the US are not going to know what a "Students' Company Activity" is. It sounds rather vague and slightly scary. Is there another way to word it?

I wouldn't worry about your teacher's English too much. The schools will be judging you and not your teacher. Some of the little language quirks are kind of endearing.

Notoman

Sep 15, 2009

Essays / Essay on the poetic features in "Selling Out" by Major Jackson [5]

Sorry friend. I have never done any poetry analysis. Did your teacher give you an example? Does he (she?) like students to lead with a hook or by defining the terms?

I'd never heard of that poem before (or the poet for that matter) so I did some Googling. It scared the crap out of me. I'll ever head into an urban area to try and score some blow.

Notoman

Sep 14, 2009

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 - how Scouting has shaped who I am today [5]

A few quick notes:

Spell out the words for numbers

Shore up your verbs. You have a lot of weak (passive voice) verbs here. Using the passive voice (and auxiliary verbs) drags the narrative down and increases the word count without adding anything. Try to get rid of as many of the "to be" (is, was, were, am ...) as you can as well as the helping verbs (have, has, could, are ...)

Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks (at least in American English).

The first part of your essay sounds more like an instruction manual for young boys than it does an essay about you. It is fine to talk about these pillars, but you need to do it in a less general way and instead present it in a manner that tells about YOU. What was your Eagle Project? How did that teach you service to others and leadership in guiding your troop? Show instead of telling.

(BTW, I am in the process of planning my Eagle Project now)

Notoman

Sep 11, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

and how can a non-native critique my grammar and written expression? liebe

I should just let Liebe speak for himself here, but English is his native language. He may reside in a country where English is not the primary language. He may have a name that sounds foreign to you. He's quite capable though.

Notoman

Sep 11, 2009

Undergraduate / Illinois State Academic Personal Statement [6]

Like the others have said, it is a chance to tell the admissions people things that might not have come up elsewhere or a chance to explain a gray area in your application. Here are some examples of things that might be included:

Any kind of medical condition, especially if you have overcome it. You wouldn't want to talk about anorexia if you still struggle with it, but if an eating disorder affected your academic life and contributed to low grades, you could use the statement to explain that.

It could even be something like being the first person in your family to apply for college. Many schools like to give first-generation college students a break.

Notoman

Sep 10, 2009

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]

It is a powerfully written essay. I, too, would like to see more of the positive aspects that shaped you. Did your parents give you free rein at the bookstore, play word games with you, tell you that your dreams could come true? You say that your school is different than most ... did your parents make sacrifices to send you to a private and more progressive school? Instead of just the obstacles to an education, I'd like to see more about how you overcame those obstacles.

You are a strong writer, Mayada. Use your skills to tell a more complete story where you shine as the hero.

Notoman

Sep 10, 2009

Undergraduate / Trying my best to explain myself to you in 1800 characters; Stanford/Future Roomate [18]

PS-- mods,
should I create a new thread for this essay?

No. The mods will come by and put SEE BELOW on this thread. It is best to keep an essay in its original thread with the original commentary. You are also asking people to comment on which essay they like better. In that case, they'll need both to look at.

Notoman

Sep 9, 2009

Writing Feedback / A Separate Peace: Essay for 9th Grade (honors) English [6]

I tried to rewrite the conclusion. You are right. Even though Gene seems at peace, he must not be. I changed that to read that he never found his separate peace. I know that those last two quotes are important, but I still don't fully understand them. I need a light-bulb moment. Is this better? Did I do the citations right?

Just as the war threatens the fragile peace experienced by the Devon students, the truth presses in on Gene threatening his personal peace. The eventual winding down of the war prevents the students from ever knowing the true horrors of war and Finny's death prevents Gene from ever having to confront the true nature of the events surrounding his friend's accident. No one "ever accused [Gene] of being responsible for ... what had happened to Phineas, either because they could not believe it or else because they could not understand it" (197). Gene serves in the military as the war is waning and is spared battle. He "never killed anybody and [he] never developed an intense level of hatred for the enemy" (204), at least not a foreign enemy. Gene's war was at Devon where he "was on active duty all [his] time at school" (204). "I killed my enemy there" (204), Gene says of Finny's death. Gene recalls how the Devon students took on personas and "constructed at infinite cost to themselves these Maginot Lines against this enemy they thought they saw across the frontier" (204), but like the Germans attacking the Maginot Line, Gene attacked Finny where he was strongest and in an unexpected way. Finny never saw it coming; he didn't even know that he had an enemy.

Gene realizes that "only Phineas never was afraid, only Phineas never hated anyone" (204) and that the enemy wasn't Finny after all, but something-jealousy, insecurity, mental unbalance-within himself. Gene is able to escape both the battles of World War II and blame from others for Finny's death, but his inner turmoil prevents him from finding his separate peace.

Notoman

Sep 8, 2009

Writing Feedback / A Separate Peace: Essay for 9th Grade (honors) English [6]

So many questions . . .

True! This is my first attempt at really analyzing literature. Middle school didn't require analysis. Does Gene feel horribly guilty about Finny? It seems he still oscillates between the old hatred and admiration. It is like he feels justified in hurting Finny because he thinks Finny is his enemy.

Here are two of the last lines in the book that confuse me. I am not sure what they mean. Gene seems at peace after his visit to Devon, but I have been wrong before.

"I never killed anybody and I never developed an intense level of hatred for the enemy. Because my war ended before I ever put on a uniform; I was on active duty all my time at school; I killed my enemy there. Only Phineas never was afraid, only Phineas never hated anyone."

"All of them, all except for Phineas, constructed at infinite cost to themselves these Maginot Lines against this enemy they thought they saw across the frontier, this enemy who never attacked that way-if he ever attacked at all; if he was indeed the enemy."

Thank you!

Notoman

Sep 8, 2009

Writing Feedback / A Separate Peace: Essay for 9th Grade (honors) English [6]

First off, this isn't Notoman. I am his younger brother, Kevin. I don't see where to create a new identity on a shared IP address. This is my first essay using MLA in-text citations and I am not sure if I am doing it right. I am also not sure if I really understand (or explain well) what "separate peace" means. Thank you for all comments.

Here is the prompt: What kind of peace is the novel about? Who achieves the separate peace mentioned in the title?

And here is the essay:
The concept of peace plays an important role in John Knowles' novel A Separate Peace. As World War II rages in Europe and in the Pacific, the sixteen-year-old boys at the Devon school enjoy a sheltered existence knowing they are not yet subject to the call of duty. On the surface, "a separate peace" refers to this placid and protected life at a New England boarding school. The novel has darker psychological undertones, though, as it explores Gene's savage nature and his journey to reconcile his violent act against his best friend Finny. Gene revisits Devon and his past in an attempt to find his own separate peace.

Even though World War II is evident in the novel, the war barely touches the lives of the students at Devon. While the senior boys were "draft-bait, practically soldiers" (15), the younger students were allowed to be "careless and wild" (24) as a small group of "people who could be selfish in the summer of 1942" (30). The war's effect on Devon increases as the narrative progresses. At first, the boys know no one involved in the fighting and only seem to know that there is a war by newspaper headlines and the lack of maid service at the school. Finny even questions whether there is a war at all. World War II permeates the tranquility of the school as the students help to shovel snow from the railroad tracks so that the troop train carrying boys not much older than they are can pass. Leper's enlistment and subsequent mental breakdown, brings the war closer to the Devon students and breaks the separate peace. The boys enjoyed telling tales of valor with Leper as the hero and are greatly impacted by his affliction. "If a war can drive somebody crazy, then it's real," Finny laments (163).

Gene returns to the school as a grown man to face the demons of his adolescence. The school appears "as though a coat of varnish had been put over everything" (9), and even the tree that Finny fell from isn't the giant that Gene remembers but "absolutely smaller, shrunken by age" (14). It is Gene's thoughts on the marble staircase that are most telling. Gene stands before the stairs and it dawns on him that they are unusually hard. This realization takes him by surprise, "with all my thought about these stairs this exceptional hardness had not occurred to me" (11). In his mind, the tree is smaller and the stairs are harder. This juxtaposition of facts and perception shift the blame for Finny's death from the incident in the tree to the fall down the staircase. While at school, Gene saw Finny as both his best friend and his worst enemy. When Finny reaches out to prevent Gene from falling out of the tree, Gene says Finny "had practically saved my life" (32), but the next moment Gene doesn't "need to feel any tremendous rush of gratitude toward Phineas" because he sees his friend as trying to kill him. This feeling of enmity that "the deadly rivalry was on both sides after all" (54) provides Gene the justification in his mind to jounce Finny out of the tree.

Just as the war threatens the fragile peace experienced by the Devon students, the truth presses in on Gene threatening his personal peace. The eventual ceasefire prevents the students from ever knowing the true horrors of war and Finny's death prevents Gene from ever having to confront the true nature of the events surrounding his friend's death. No one "ever accused [Gene] of being responsible for ... what had happened to Phineas, either because they could not believe it or else because they could not understand it" (197). Gene is able to escape both battle and blame and maintain his separate peace.

Notoman

Sep 8, 2009

Undergraduate / "you guys sing too fast!" j- Short Writing For Common Application [12]

After reading the essay, I only get that you made a mouth motion and controlled the chorus. It is like just a simple story, which also seems a little bit unimportant.

Yes, this is a cute little story but I'm not sure of your purpose in telling it. Perhaps we could clarify that before getting into the grammar.

I see the purpose behind the story. I think it is telling of the author's personality. Keep in mind that we are talking about Chinese culture. In Chinese culture, sticking your tongue out and baring your teeth at your classmates during a performance doesn't fit the conformist expectations. Zhoa shows that he (she?) is a leader--being in charge of conducting--and is willing to use unorthodox measures to bring the other students back on track (sticking out the tongue and baring teeth). The other students admonish Zhoa saying that he (she?) is not cute and shouldn't be doing that, but Zhoa laughs at the criticism because he (she? Sorry!) knows that being out of the box is what it would take to win the competition.

I do think that a little more explanation is needed for American readers. Those actions don't carry the same meaning here.

Notoman

Sep 8, 2009

Undergraduate / Essay on Persistence [5]

Your verbs are in need of attention. You start out in the present tense and then skip to the past tense, before ending in the present tense again.

Some of your verbs are strong, active, and descriptive while others are feeble, passive, and taking up space.

Notoman

Sep 7, 2009

Student Talk / Challenges for Chinese to Study English [20]

There are issues with English that are particular to English learners from different cultures. The Chinese students seem to have the most difficulty. English and Chinese are very different from each other.

English:
Is a phonetic language, but each of our letters--vowels especially--has many, many sounds. Spanish has five different vowel sounds while English has something like fourteen.

Our writing system is based loosely on the sounds that the words make.

Verbs are used in English to tell about the time frame as well as the person performing the action. I walk, I will walk, I walked, I have walked, she walks ...

We use a lot of articles (the, a, an), but not every noun needs an article.

There are many words in English that are said the same, but have different meanings. Reign, rain, and rein, for example. There are other words that are spelled the same and still have different meanings ... could you present the birthday girl with the present? The excuse was invalid because the person wasn't an invalid. The soldier said he'd desert in the desert. Tough stuff!

Chinese:
Chinese is a tonal language. Slight dips and rises in the tone of a sound change the meaning. English is not.

The Chinese system of writing is logographic--the symbols don't represent sounds, but words/concepts.

I don't believe that the verbs are conjugated in Chinese. Can you imagine how much easier that would be?

There are no articles in Chinese.

Of course, these are just some of the differences. I have noticed that the Chinese students here especially struggle with verbs (tense and agreement) and articles. Verbs would take a long time to master, but learning when to and when not to use an article should be a little easier.

There are over a hundred million words in a dictionary.

My huge, unabridged dictionary has 450,000 words. Many of those are obsolete or scientific/specialized in nature.

Do native speakers meet with new words when reading, with new phrases when communicating that they cannot be understood?

Yes, but not very often. There is rarely a word I don't know on television, in the movies, or in regular conversation where the language is more common. I sometimes run into a word I don't know while I am reading. This is more likely to happen if I am reading a classic text.

Reading what kind of material can I have an access to more of these native usage of language to improve my writing ability?

You need an English-speaking lover. A patient one. *grin* English is used differently in speech and writing--especially formal writing. Let the people around you, especially those who are English speakers, know that you are open and inviting of corrections.

What does our English look like in native speaker's view?

It is usually pretty easy for me to tell the native language of the writer by the types of mistakes. The Chinese students are likely to leave out articles or use the wrong verb tense. Sometimes the words will be just slightly off from the way an English speaker would normally phrase things. For example, we'd usually say, "What does our English look like to a native speaker?" Or, "How does our English look to a native speaker?"

Is it full of mistakes?

Yes. There are varying degrees of course, but the errors are usually numerous. I have read some essays here where there are only one or two errors per paragraph and others where there are four or five per sentence. Some of the differences come across as cute little quirks while other errors obscure the meaning the sentence. I am sometimes intimidated by helping the English learners here. I don't want to offend. I also don't want to make corrections without saying why I'd correct a certain thing, but I don't know how much the person will understand.

My family has hosted a lot of exchange students from around the globe. We had two girls from Taiwan live with us for a while. They were very young--twelve and thirteen--and had been studying English with a native speaker for quite sometime. Their English was very good. They had the grammar down pat and were working on improving their vocabulary. I think that their early start and instruction from a native speaker helped them tremendously.

We have had several students from Japan. We used to host students from a particular high school for a month every summer. These students spoke very little English and even their teacher wasn't what I would call proficient. I know that Japanese and Chinese are different, but some of the same hurdles exist.

Learning another language is daunting! I wish you the best.

Notoman

Sep 7, 2009

Undergraduate / "My parents focused on helping me" - UCF application [11]

Just echoing Boxin's and Sean's advice here. If I were an admissions officer, I would think that your mom probably wrote the essay (or hired someone to do it for you). With all the help you received from your parents, you don't show an independence--with motivation or thought for that matter. I'd worry that you wouldn't succeed in college unless your parents moved into the dorms with you.

I apologize if I come across as harsh. Think about the purpose of a college application essay. The essay should showcase your writing ability AND convince the university that you will not only be a successful student, but contribute something to the university community.

Notoman

Sep 7, 2009

Essays / Prompt for "Examsmanship and the Liberal Arts" by Perry [9]

Wow! I love that essay. I have to admit that it is just a little over my head; I get the nuances, but I know there is something that I am still missing. I strive to be the marriage between the bull and the cow. Sometimes I am the cow. Sometimes I am the bull. Rarely do I mix the two.

Sean explained the concept pretty well. This assignment seems to lead into what the prof is wanting from the students this semester--gone are the days of "book reports." It is time to analyze the class material, make connections, and draw conclusions. Combine the facts--the cow--(characters, quotes, page numbers, bibliography) with the analysis--the bull--(symbolism, conflict, motive, themes, comparisons, suppositions).

Notoman

Sep 6, 2009

Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay (a mission trip) [6]

What is the word limit? Are you close to it now? This essay just doesn't seem to say enough at this point. There isn't any contrast between what I assume to be your sheltered, suburban existence and the poverty of West Virginia. You say that you have a new perspective and appreciation, but the words feel empty without something to show how you changed. The biggest problem with content is that you dance around the prompt, but you don't answer the prompt. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

I won't comment on grammar particulars at this point because you have some rewriting to do, but take a look at the verbs that you use. Many of them are strong, active verbs (rolled, noticed, appreciated, helped, painted, gained), but the majority of your verbs are feeble, passive verbs (went, was, was, was, did, is, was, were, wasn't, was, have, will).