Undergraduate / "Becoming a knight" - Application Essay for UCF. [9]


Good point! When I first read the essay, I didn't like that sentence, but I didn't spend time analyzing why I didn't like it. You hit the nail on the head.

Undergraduate / "Becoming a knight" - Application Essay for UCF. [9]

Grammar is an issue, but I feel it is best that you do a rewrite from the ground up. The prompt asks you to tell why you applied to UCF. You do that, but the essay fails to teach the university anything about you. They don't need praise from you; they want to hear about what makes you a good candidate for admission.

Here are some grammar notes:

The UCF campus

person' s dream

Since I was a child, it was my destiny

wrapping them as a mummies (unless you wrapped them all up together as one mummy)

coot ie shots

prescription S kittles

UCF is a young school with wise education as an ivy league school. The diversity in Miami is something to grow accustomed to, and Orlando fits that description for me to feel like home is only five minutes away. (Not sure what is going on here, but the sentences aren't working.)

without it nothing wouldn't be able to be finished. double negative

Because of my experience with diversity, it' s my state of nature to work well with others, leading to the chances (as in horse racing? poker? "leading to the chances" doesn't make sense) of me joining Volunteer UCF, or taking on an internship.

UCF gives every student (The opportunity?) to explore

12 spell out

Which is extremely beneficial to students with my passion. sentence fragment

We were posting at the same time, Alexis. I just wanted to say the the rewrite is significantly better. You did a great job of taking the original and making it more coherent.

Undergraduate / Applying to college after a 10 year absence; Non-traditional Student [5]

Much stronger now! The revisions have really tightened it up.

Essays / Choose your own topic essays? [9]


Personally, I start out with just a bit of background. I will state upfront what the reader should expect the essay to be about without saying, "Hey y'all, my essay is going to talk about what I liked in the book." If it is an English literature essay, for example, I might say something like:

Stephen Crane's 1895 novel The Red Badge of Courage tells the story of a young man's experience during the American Civil War. The protagonist, Henry Fleming, experiences a wide range of emotions and responses to war as he transforms from naive recruit to brave and battle-tested veteran.

And then get into my thesis. When it is more of a research paper, I might start with an introduction like this:

Tap dance is a form of theatrical stage dance distinguished by percussive footwork that stomps out an intricate, yet precise rhythm on the stage floor.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

Liebe, I love you (not that in that way).

Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

Your question threw me for a loop. Even though I have been reading a lot of application essays here, I have not been writing them and I don't have College Board essay guide. So ... I pulled out a book tucked away on the shelf that my cousin handed down to me. It is a book on admissions essays from the Princeton Review. Everything I have read in that book and all of the essay examples from kids who were accepted at top-notch universities, point to the idea that your essay is dead-on. Tightening it up a bit will make it perfect.

Wishing you the best!

Undergraduate / PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend) [8]


It just sounds so childlike to me. When I was in elementary school, one of my teachers called the exclamation point "the excited mark." I was confused.

Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]

The Stranger could work, but it would be much more difficult. Working with a book like The Stranger, because it isn't widely known, means that you would have to provide the reader with a summary that doesn't feel like a middle-school book report. The idea isn't to reiterate the plot of the book, but to spend the space talking about you and the unique set of attributes that you would bring to a college community. The Stranger is a nihilist novel steeped in philosophy. It would be tough enough to analyze the book and make connections to life lessons. It would be even more difficult to do all that within the confines of a word limit and the expected format for a college-application essay.

Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]


The different ways people interpret the story? You have no idea. I had a Sunday school teacher read the book and tell the children that the tree is Christ and humanity is the boy. It disturbed me to see Christ as an enervated stump. I asked the teacher if the tree was in Heaven. She shot me a dirty look and I wanted to cry.

An elementary teacher told our class that the tree is representative of a mother's unconditional love. Giving Tree was her favorite book. She had a baby the year before and changed her name from Miss Simon to Mrs. Beckman. She missed that baby of hers and called home several times a day to check on her in hushed tones; she didn't think we could hear her conversations, but I always eavesdropped. She talked about her baby's poop a lot on the phone and I thought it was funny. I wondered if my mom was obsessed with my poop when I was a baby. Mrs. Beckman read the book to the class several times and every time she cried. It was disconcerting to me to see the teacher cry. I wished that she would stop reading the book.

Another teacher in elementary school read the book on Earth Day and said that the tree is Mother Nature and the boy takes and takes from Mother Nature until there is no more to take. We all die because we have no apples to eat. The world would not have shade without trees and the world will get really hot and we would all die. We wouldn't be able to breath the air because there would be no leaves to make oxygen and we would all suffocate and die. Scary stuff for a first grader! I was afraid that I would go home after school that day and my dog and my parents would all be dead because they didn't have any apples (for some reason, I didn't worry about my brother). My mom brushed away my tears reassured me that everything was alright. She probably wrote an email to the teacher.

Now as an almost-adult, I see the story being a cautionary tale about relationships, all kinds of relationships. I don't want to be the boy or the tree. I want give-and-take, I want quality time, I want conversation. I would want a symbiotic relationship where one person might share apples, but the other would at least water the tree.

The way I see things, you can't work with this essay and be the tree.

Undergraduate / PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend) [8]


I learned that they are "helping" verbs. Why do they dumb down the language for kids? If I was old enough to learn verb tenses, I was most likely old enough to learn proper terminology.

Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]

Don't feel that I am beating on you with what I am about to say. I am not saying that you are wrong, but let me tell you how your essay could be received by others ...

My first thought when I read this essay is that you still have a lot of growing to do. It is good that you don't want to be the boy anymore, but the desire to emulate the tree isn't exactly healthy either. Altruism may be taught in many schools as the ideal human state of mind, but selflessness leaves a person, well, without a self. The human condition, when fully realized (self-actualization, if you want to call it that), would require give and take, mutually-beneficial relationships, and personal boundaries. The tree is a doormat. She enables the boy's poor behavior, is not just selfless but self-sacrificing, and in my book (not in a literal sense as I have never written a book for children) is not someone to emulate. The Giving Tree is more of a cautionary tale than anything else. It is a tragedy--for the boy as well as the tree.

Knowing a little bit about Shel Silverstein, I doubt if this was the message he wanted readers to take away from his book. Silverstein had a wry view of things. Ever heard the Johnny Cash song, "25 Minutes to Go"? It is about a man on death row and his last 25 minutes of life (Silverstein was an accomplished musician and won a Grammy for "A Boy Named Sue"--he wrote many songs that became hits). Silverstein was a complex man. He was known for his bawdy songs and life as a playboy--in fact, he wrote for Playboy.

As sunny as your essay is, I feel that there are risks involved with using it with a college application. The odds of having a highly-educated woman who thinks that The Giving Tree preaches that women should be self-sacrificing and subservient to the men in their lives and presents a negative message to the little girls of the world are pretty high. The admission personnel are more likely to see you as young and naive (in part because you chose a character from kiddie lit) as they are to see you as the next Barack Obama. Which brings me to another point: you spend an awful lot of space is an essay about you talking about Barack Obama. You need to be careful in an essay of this length to stick to the topic without introducing tangents.

Essays / Questions about starting some sentences.. [7]

It is probably because your teacher gave you different vocabulary for the test that s/he expected you to know.

My first thoughts were:
thesis
introduction
conclusion
topic sentence (two word blanks)
supporting sentences (two word blanks)
transitions

When s/he gives you this much information on a question, you can be assured that they want you to use the vocab they have proved to fill in the blanks.

Undergraduate / College admission- short answer, career goals and community service [7]

My internship experiences at Cisco Systems and Lockheed Martin instigated my desire to capitalize on my natural aptitude for math and science by exploring engineering. I aspire to pursue a career in engineering to satiate my curiosity for the natural world and to discover all the possibilities that come with it contains .

Good work.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

More of a social fuax pas than a crime. The point is that you have disregarded the advice offered under the other thread, but now you are reposting asking basically the same people to comment again. Put a fork in me; I'm done.

Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]


Ahhhhh . . . I *am* good. There were little hints in your essay, but I have uncanny inference skills. I like to take in all of the little clues and build a most-likely case scenario. Your name wasn't on your post yesterday, I swear. So ... what color are your eyes? You don't have to answer. I already know what color they are.


Dang it! I should have known that you would try to get away with my money on semantics. Next time I try to broker a deal with you, I will type more slowly so you can keep up.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

What? I write one, simple sentence and you come on and correct it? I have to admit that your corrections are right on target. But if you say the please with an eye roll, the sentence works as written.

;)

Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

Just for grins, let me see what I can infer from your essay ...

You are female and petite (you like adjectives--a guy wouldn't necessarily notice the color of the file cabinets, your coveralls bunch, you have to get on tip toe to see, and you moan about your day to your daddy).

You live a sheltered, suburban existence--I'll go out on a limb and guess that you live in Fairfax (not close enough in to the city that you need a ride to the Metro station, DC suburbs have the reputation of being homogeneous, you are able to do a summer internship instead of having to work for money, your English isn't representative of a poor-performing school).

Your dad is a retired military officer. Air Force pilot? Maybe does some part-time consulting? (He is home to pick you up and the military has twenty-year retirement, the DC area has a lot of government workers).

You have light brown hair and you say your eyes are blue, but they are really more hazel (just kidding on this one).

I just noticed your new tagline, Liebe. "I rock?" Didn't you mean to say, "Noto rocks?" Are you sure? When I sent you that hundred bucks to say that "I rock," I meant for you to say that I rock.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

Please refer to the other thread for my advice on this essay.

Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

I think that the essay actually tells a lot about you. It may not list attributes in the traditional way, but that is a good thing. You are "showing" instead of "telling."

Let me see what I garner about you from your essay ...

You are not squeamish ... you participated in a program that would have stymied less stalwart souls.

You are interested in science and eager to learn from new opportunities (and surround yourself with like-minded friends).

You have a sense of humor (getting to know the file cabinets intimately and swiveling in your chair).

You are willing to take on menial tasks and are a team player (filing without too much complaint).

You come from a family that cares about you (your dad picked you up at the Metro station).

You are academically well-rounded. Most people are either math/science or English/social studies. You are a rarity in that you appear to be strong in both science and English.

I suppose you could tell a little more about yourself by slipping something in there that speaks to a hobby or talent. Something like: "Contemplating the ocean of records held in those filing cabinets overwhelmed me; I yearned to be ...

a. in my room reading trashy romance novels
b. hiking the Appalachian Trail with my golden retriever
c. playing heavy-metal riffs on my electric guitar
d. juggling plates with a troop of circus performers

I don't think it is really needed though. I would think that either "significant experience" or "other" would work for this essay ... it depends on what else you have.

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Sonnets, Analysis [6]

Are you saying (sniffs) that my interpretation is wrong (a tear trickles down his face). But, but ... (wipes nose on sleeve) I thought I nailed this one (bottom lip visibly trembles). I found a parallel between Shakespeare's Sonnet and something I'm familiar with in my (voice cracks) own life. Okay, so the last lines don't make a joke of Henry VIII's misfortunes in marriage (hangs head, refuses to make eye contact), but I did show some understanding of the contemporary climate (thinks about the bottle of vodka hidden in the coat closet).

This is only a homework assignment and probably isn't worth a whole lot of points, but I wanted to be able to format the paragraph in a fashion that didn't leave my new teacher thinking that I need remedial assistance. I am going to get a lot out of this class. The teacher knows his stuff and is passionate about inculcating Shakespeare. I just hope I don't piss him off with my inability to grasp allusions that are crystal clear to him.

Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [26]

No worries, Simone. If you went around saying, "This sentence is a comma splice. Fail!" you wouldn't have the same esteem in my eyes. It originated with the on-line gaming community. I don't see you playing on-line games (okay, I can see you playing on-line Scrabble, but I would doubt if those players would use fail in the same way).

Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [26]


Fail is slang. When you do something stupid, you fail. When you hurt yourself, you fail. In teenage vernacular, it is a way to rudely point out others' less-than perfect moments. Yelling "You fail!" or "Epic fail!" is a cruel way of bringing attention to someone's misfortune. When I think about it, "fail," as used by teens, is more of an interjection (kind of like WTF, OMG, epic, or woot).

So ... the grammar isn't the best in the original post making the meaning unclear, but I believe that the author is using "fail" in the slang. I still can't figure out what the author is after though. Why this as a first post?

Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [26]

This is your first post? Are you gathering stories to publish on a Fail blog? If I tell you about the time that I used the word semen in an English essay and so offended the teacher that she asked the dean to switch me to a different teacher, is it going to come back to haunt me? (Actually, semen was very appropriate in the context of the essay and the dean agreed, but the teaser is more intriguing than the actual story).

Undergraduate / "horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]

The tone is *much* better!

You need to watch your verb tense. You are jumping around from present tense to past tense--sometimes in the same sentence. There are a few awkward parts, but overall it flows well.


You ascertained his breathing not his breeding. Bloodlines and parentage had nothing to do with emergency care.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]

I have mixed feelings on this essay. It is very imaginative and well written, but it doesn't address the prompt. Be out of the box, but at least acknowledge that there is a box.

I found this essay to be unsettling. It comes across more like a drug-induced hallucination or a schizophrenic episode than a dream. The surreal nature of the dream is easily attributable to the sleep-deprived status of the writer, but it still has an illicit edge or the feeling that something isn't quite right in the mind. Maybe that is because my dreams are too staid to include animated battles between methods of caffeine intake. I would think that it would fare well in a creative writing class, but it risks falling flat as an application essay.

I did notice some sloppiness in the grammar ... punctuation hanging out outside of the parenthesis, missing periods, and commas where none are needed.


I am confused by this line. Did you mean meritocracy--leadership and advancement based on one's merit--or mediocrity?

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


True, true, true. I do try to add some praise, or at least some encouragement that not all hope is lost, to my posts. Liebe sees the forest. Liebe sometimes uses strong words, but with our society's everyone-gets-a-participation-trophy-just-for-showing-up attitude, strong words are needed to jolt people out of their complacency with mediocre efforts (MieMie--this is not directed at you so please don't take it personally). College admittance is competitive. Instead of handing out gold stars, admission personnel are judging and ranking candidates. I'd rather be told here that I had a horrible introduction to an essay than have that same thought go through the admission staffer's mind. It sounds like I am arguing. I am not. I agree with you. I agree with Liebe too. Without a formula, we all have different approaches. Each approach has its merits.

There's nothing better than an unbiased and random person complimenting your writing? I'd rather have chocolate than compliments. I'm practical like that, *grin*. I'd rather have an extra three hours to sleep in the morning too. I'd rather have a foot massage from a supermodel. Speaking of random and unbiased people complimenting your writing ... Llamapoop, you are very good at giving feedback. You really know your stuff and take time/care with your responses. I'd really like to see contributor next to your name.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

*Grin* Here we go again.

Feedback comes in many forms. Forum members can point out grammar mistakes and no one gets their panties in wad, but as soon as someone suggests that the content is unclear, off-track, cliche, redundant, or irrelevant, the undergarments start inching up.

If you really only want a pat on the head and a rubber stamp, ask your mom to proofread for you. If grammar corrections are the only thing you desire, state that up front. But if you want to know how readers perceive your writing and use feedback to construct a stronger essay, then be prepared to view criticism with an open mind. The criticism isn't personal. It isn't mean-spirited. It is just a reaction to the written word.

As authors, we don't always see the forest for the trees. This forum helps people to really evaluate the forest and the trees. If someone were simply to tell you, "What a lovely view," it would not be helpful. Pointing out specific grammar errors is akin to teaching you about the trees (or species of trees), but showing you the forest is where the real value is.

Writing Feedback / Non-traditional Student College Personal Essay [6]


Aw, Liebe, I *know* you have something to say! What about the comma in this sentence:


(SFLady77: It doesn't belong because the second part of the sentence cannot stand alone and the two parts have equal weight.) While you pick up on misplaced commas, the comma abuse isn't your pet peeve like it is for Simone. I thought you would have something to say about this sentence though:


I feel like I should apologize for taking away your fun with the work/school timeline because that is your specialty. The early bird gets the worm,*grin*

Writing Feedback / Non-traditional Student College Personal Essay [6]

The essay is good. Your flow isn't as bad as you fear. There are a couple of places that need grammar revision and a couple more that could lose some redundant words. Here are a few thoughts:


The opening isn't the strongest. The quote feels plopped into the middle of the sentence instead of smoothly incorporated. Punctuation goes on the inside of the quotation marks in the US.


While your education was put on hiatus, your knowledge didn't really stagnate. You haven't spent your time in a coma. Your life experience is an important part of your current desire to become a nurse-don't discount it too much.


Spell out "eighteen."


over a four- year period.


Most doctors' offices in the US are private. If it were a public/free clinic, I would specify, but the word private feels extraneous. Until is a word that refers to time. You don't need the comma. Change where to when to maintain continuity: It wasn't until I found a job as a receptionist at a doctor's office when things started to change for me.


I'd put patients before healthcare professionals. The way the sentence is written, it looks like healthcare is modifying both professionals and patients.


Whoa, Nelly, That's an awful lots of basic. Just how basic was your position? The administration of Band-Aids? Nix the redundancy but also consider a revision. You don't want to demean your role as part of a medical office.


This isn't really working for me. The "no previous medical training" and the "curious to learn a new skill" aren't closely enough related in my mind. I could see you being anxious because of your lack of training, but not curious. Curious can also have a negative connotation. It implies that you are wanting to know something that is not really your place to be asking. Saying that you were eager (or any other number of synonyms without the negative connotation) would be better here.


Make labs singular here.


many more opportunities


Facial is not needed because you tell us later in the sentence that the cancer was in the mandible area.


Wow. It seems that it would be illegal/unethical for you to stitch up a patient. Was this the same patient with the facial surgery? What about scarring? I don't know how things are normally done in the medical world, but this scenario leaves me with little respect for the physician. The second comma is not needed. I have no idea what the word else is doing hanging out at the end of this sentence, but you need to send it packing.


There has to be a better way to say this.


The timeline of this paragraph doesn't make sense. You work, often staying late at night to call patients. Calling patients late at night? Do you ask them if their refrigerator is running? Then you leave work late at night to attend classes? In the middle of the night? Do most colleges have a graveyard shift?


I am mentally prepared

There are a few other grammar mistakes, but I will wait for a revision or let other forum members have a go. There are a few people here who are experts at pointing out unneeded commas. I would hate to take away all of their fun.

Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]

It is a good essay. Because it is a strong essay, my critique will be more nitpicky--delving into nuance and substance. I feel that a few little tweaks would make it a lot stronger.

Here are a few things that tripped up my thought process as a reader:


Fresh, clean, and free of pollution feels a little redundant here. Given the short nature of this essay, I'd like to see you use your words more powerfully. Take out either the clean or the free of pollution to get to your point without being verbose.


Spell out the word nine.


This is as you were stepping off of the airplane ... into the terminal? Onto the tarmac? I would imagine that the air in the terminal would be stale and recirculated while the air on a tarmac would have the odor of jet fuel. I haven't been to an Tuscan airport, but I am also having a hard time imagining that there are vineyards and fields of daffodils surrounding the airport. The shift from an airport and (I assume arduous) nine-hour flight to the dreamy country landscape is too abrupt.


Again, a little verbose and repetitive. Minuscule and intricate are too closely related. You could substitute another adjective to describe the detail, but saying that it is both minuscule and intricate doesn't add anything to the mental image.


This isn't bad, but it isn't as descriptive as it could be. Why did you want to go to Italy? To see the art? To study abroad? As written, it sounds a little generic.


Notion isn't the best word here. It isn't merely synonymous with idea, but conveys that the idea is vague or ill-formed.


Conservative might not be the best word here either. As a reader, I had a mental picture of the teachers being libertine--my first thought as an opposite of conservative. Conservative has so many possible meanings that it loses its meaning here. The reader doesn't really know what you were afraid your teachers would be.


Yeah, populous isn't right here. How about prodigious or inordinate? Immeasurable doesn't really work either because it is measurable and the word lacks life. Like Simone said, play with the thesaurus here to get just the right word.

Ack! Out of time. I must head off to class. I'll let others pick up the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

The topic is great. It doesn't always flow though. English is tough! There are parts of it that sound "off" to the native speaker's ear. Take these sentences, for example:

Never defeat by anything unfamiliar before taking a shot. Stay curious and join in. Lots of treasures are way to be found.

They read like a Chinese fortune cookie. I suppose that shouldn't surprise me seems how you are from China. They are almost like commands though ... instructions for a better life. They come up generic and meaningless though; kind of like a fortune cookie, they could apply to anyone.

There are other parts that are a little awkward because of the wording. We can help you with that. It is *way* past my bedtime (the first day of school is tomorrow!), but let me give you just a few:


Every challenge was a precious chance to know myself better.


I remember how the hard training frazzled the skin on my hands.

My changes were very minor, but the new sentences flow better. You are close. So very close. I'll let others add their thoughts.

Undergraduate / "I eat fish" common app + uc app essay [8]

It is an endearing piece. I like it a lot. I don't think that it fits the first prompt because it doesn't tie into dreams or aspirations. It would work for the second prompt though--if you made a quick tie in with pride.

Some quick thoughts before I really must go to bed (it is a school night here):

The period should go inside of the quotation marks in the US.

When you talk about the American staples--pizza, spaghetti, hot dogs, hamburgers--and then call them generic, it feels judgemental to me. You could reword this to simply say that the other kids' favorites were expected, commonplace, predictable, everyday, conventional, familiar, standard ... any another word that doesn't have the same negative connotations as generic.

The quick turn from crying bitter tears to basking in frowns and stares is a little abrupt for me. It is the word basking that is throwing me off. It conveys too much pleasure.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

Liebe's and Llamapoop's advice is right on target. Keep in mind that the admission personnel was not in your history class. They don't know that the teacher was terribly biased or that she demeaned you. What they will see with this essay is that you feel that you have been done a great injustice. They will see that you came to class with your own agenda of discrediting the teacher in a public forum. If I were on the panel, I'd think twice about inviting you to become a part of my college community--especially if your SAT scores/GPA left you on the bubble. After reading the essay, I am left with the impression that you just might be arrogant, negative, easily offended, mistrustful, rebellious, and dogmatic. That very well may not be a fair assessment of you, but it was my first impression. Is that really the impression that you want the reader to have?

Writing Feedback / GRE: Knowledge and Rejection of Authority [5]

You organization and arguments are strong. I have never written a GRE essay so I don't really know what they are looking for. Here are a few other comments though:

Watch your subject/verb agreement. There are a couple places in the essay where the noun doesn't match the verb tense.


Statement is singular and seem is plural. every single is singular and "great advances" is plural. The statement seems to suggest that every single "great advancement," ...


Impediments would be a better word here and I believe it is the word you were looking for. While impedances is technically correct, it is more of a physics term while impediments is commonly used to mean obstruction. My Word program highlights impedances as not being a word.

You use a lot of passive verbs. The entire essay would benefit if you were to change some of those verb constructions to the active voice.

Graduate / "Dear Admission's Committee" - Addendum to a Personal Statement [9]


Pay attention to your sentence structure. The first part, before it is offset with the comas, needs to match what comes after. "She insisted the medical assistant to leave the room" ... see the issue here?


You want the word incident instead of accident here.


This is another one of those sentences that could be boiled down to its essence. Are you expecting the patients or accepting them? Now as I reread it, I see that you ARE saying that you learned to expect such patients. It does work, but it is a little confusing. If this sentence was rewritten to be tighter, that confusion would vanish.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]


I said that the claims needed to be substantiated or scaled back ...


... by stating something similar to what you did here. I looked at your profile and it says that you are from the US. If your parents are foreign nationals and you were raised/schooled abroad, that's the kind of support you need for your claim.


But you did say:


Understand implies more than an exposure to admission officials. Even with a few years of Spanish instruction under my belt and travel to a few Spanish-speaking countries, I cannot claim that I understand Spanish. You might understand these languages/dialects, but again, you are going to need to incorporate just a little more into your essay to substantiate those claims.

There's no need to get defensive. We are trying to help you to see how a reader perceives your essay and the kinds of questions that the reader might have. Think about it ... if you were having a conversation with someone and the subject of languages came up, don't you think that the other person would want to know where/how you learned all of these divergent languages? this is a conversation with the admission officials, albeit a one-sided conversation. You need to anticipate questions that they might have and answer those questions.


I have no super-human powers. Dang it! I can put my foot behind my head. While that may show extraordinary flexibility for a seventeen-year old boy, I am sure that there are many other people in this world who can do it as well. Let me say, though, that essay writing (at least in this case) is not a competition. I am not trying to tear you down. I am trying to help you by pointing out how a reader perceives your writing.

Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]

With all of the application essays, I made an assumption. Sorry about that. In fact, my feedback would change knowing the purpose of the essay. With a personal narrative, a proclivity for shoes can be endearing.

Providing the purpose of the essay helps responders tailor their response. I would love it if all essays were prefaced with the purpose and prompt.

Undergraduate / Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay [9]


English *is* full of surprises. This is another one of those words that asyn got right. A muscle knot is a small area where a muscle constricts and causes pain. They can feel like hard bumps under the skin--"knots" in the fibrous tissue. Massage, heat, stretching, and rest can help the muscle relax.

It isn't really an idiom like "dog-tired," but it isn't' exactly medical terminology either. It is kind of like when people say that they have a "stitch" in their side from running, "brain freeze" from eating something cold too fast, or a "twisted" ankle.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]

I get your point, llamapoop. It is valid. If the essay needed to explain proficiency in all languages, it might be more important to name Chinese dialects--I don't speak Chinese, but it is my understanding that they are *very* different from each other. Linguists don't agree on how many dialects there are or even if they should be considered dialects or separate (but related) languages. The way I interpret the classification, Min is a dialect while Taiwanese and Southern Min are sub-groups. It comes down to semantics and I readily concede that Taiwanese could also be called a dialect.

I called my uncle, because I am a dork like that and I like to learn, to ask his thoughts. My uncle lived in Taiwan and Malaysia for many years and is fluent in spoken Chinese (you have to learn the spoken and written languages separately as the writing system is logographic--he doesn't read or write Chinese fluently). He tried to explain to me the differences in the spoken dialects. He did say that Chinese is easier in many ways because the limited morphology means that there is only one verb form ... what? No present tense? No infinitive? No simple past, past-perfect, past-perfect progressive, subjunctive mood, or imperative?? No nominative, accusative, or dative? Man! I should have tried to learn Chinese instead of espańol.

Sorry I digress. Let me try to bring this back on topic ...

I find it hard to believe that a young person--of apparently normal intelligence--would be able to master English, French, Cantonese, Min, Indonesian, and Arabic. The languages are very divergent. I am not calling sad_an6el a liar. But as a reader, the claims bring up questions in my mind. Those questions could be answered by providing more of a context in the essay (My mother is Chinese, my dad is Indonesian and I went to an American school in Saudi Arabia where I studied French). To be credible, I feel like the writer needs more than an ease with language and extensive travel. The writer could also address this potential perception in the reader's mind by backing off the claim of fluency.

The purpose of this essay is to provide the admission personnel with a picture of an applicant's Spanish ability and/or a plan for acquiring a low intermediate proficiency. A writer wouldn't want to raise more questions in the readers' minds than he answers.