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Posts by Notoman
Joined: Apr 24, 2009
Last Post: May 13, 2014
Threads: 20
Posts: 419  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 439 / page 8 of 11
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Notoman   
Jul 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

I am with Simone on this one . . . I think it is fine to mention your faith, but I would tone it down just a bit and not divulge too much about your affiliation with your semantics.

Furthermore, this hardship has also strengthen my relationship with my Lord and Savior that is Jesus Christ. Without him it would have been a much harder road to bear.

You could even rephrase this to something like: This hardship has strengthened my faith and brought me closer to God (or Christ . . . Christ isn't as encompassing, but the phrasing doesn't align you with a particular belief system other than mainstream Christianity). That way you would still be able to acknowledge God for His part in your healing without possibly alienating someone with a different set of beliefs.

When using a pronoun that refers to God the Father, Christ, or the Holy Spirit, capitalize that pronoun. Without Him it would have been . . .

Please understand that I am not judging you on your faith. Unless your faith will make a big difference in the kind of student you will be, you don't want admission officers judging you on your faith either (just like you wouldn't want them judging you on political beliefs or sexual orientation).
Notoman   
Jul 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

it is absolutely inconceivable that a non-Christian could gain the nomination of either major party.

I don't see it as being inconceivable at all. There are 13 members of the Senate and 32 Congressional Representatives who are Jewish. This is a high percentage considering that the Jewish population in the United States is less than 2%. I don't see it inconceivable at all that one of these high-powered politicians could be nominated and/or elected on the Presidential ticket.

And then there is history. One could argue that we have already had Presidents who were non-Christians. Jefferson most often defined himself as a Unitarian in his lifetime, but he embraced enlightenment ideals and could most closely be described as a Deist. You could not strictly call TJ a Christian. In "The Jefferson Bible" (or more accurately, "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth"), he omitted all references to Christ as divine. Washington and Lincoln held strong Deist beliefs as well (although Washington made more of a show of church attendance). Unitarianism, by its tenets, falls outside of traditional Christian beliefs because of their views on the Trinity. One could claim that Unitarians are non-Christians as well. We've had several Presidents who were Unitarians including John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Millard Fillmore, and Taft.

True, we have not had a President who has identified himself as Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, or Hindu (or agnostic for that matter, although Andrew Johnson came close), but I don't see it as inconceivable for our future. We have not had a woman as President yet, but I don't see that as inconceivable either. We have probably already had a homosexual President (Buchanan).

Back to the subject at hand . . . I think it is okay to make passing mention of your religious affiliation in a college-application essay, after all, it is a very important part of life for a lot of people. But I also think that it has potential to work against people when emphasizing their relationship with "my Lord and savior that is Jesus Christ." The phrasing here sounds very Southern Baptist to me. The author may or may not be Southern Baptist or even a non-denominational evangelical Christian, but I'd put money on one or the other. In my opinion, it is a little too much information for a college-application essay. While generally describing yourself as Christian in the United States does not bring on discrimination, closely identifying yourself with any given denomination/belief sect can. Catholics have faced great discrimination in our history (the KKK especially held a strong anti-Catholic stance) as have Jehovah's Witnesses and members of the LDS church (all of which have made a strong show in Presidential-level politics, btw). You never know who will be reading your application essay (unless you are applying at a church-affiliated school) and the advised route would be to tone down religious references (I can't seem to get away from parenthetical commentary).

When would it be appropriate to state religious affiliation? Obviously when applying to a church-run school. Even when applying for a Jesuit university as a non-Catholic, I would think it would be more than appropriate to bare your religious leanings. Being in a religious minority (as long as it wasn't Paganism, but that is a different ball of wax) would probably work to one's advantage as most universities embrace diversity. But . . . it is an area that can be sensitive (like stating one's sexual preference or political leanings) and should be dealt with carefully in college essays.
Notoman   
Jul 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus") [6]

Yeah, the German lover might throw people off. There is Germanophile, but it doesn't have the same flow as Francophile or Anglophile. It looks more like a made-up word to me (Hmmmm . . . my spellchecker recognizes Anglophile, but not the other two).

I agree with Simone's suggestion to lighten up on the flaws. I was thinking you sounded like just the kind of guy I'd like to room with as we have a lot in common. Okay, so I would be happy to eat Ramen noodles every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I want to major in history or political science, I am a good Catholic boy and I play guitar--bass mostly (are you more of a Kirk Hammett or Dave Mustaine fan?). My name is Eric, but everyone (except for my family) calls me by my last name . . . Noto. I don't have the same affinity for all things Germanic, but I have been pestering my parents to start the paperwork for dual Italian citizenship. But then I got to the descriptive portion of your essay. I am not a neat-freak by any stretch of the imagination, but someone has got to throw away the moldy pizza and I wouldn't want it to always be me, *grin* This part of the essay might be a little too descriptive.

Drop the "I'm thinking Fouts." The sentence and sentiment is fine, but that particular phrase gets lost in translation from commercial to the written essay.

You might be able to end it by reiterating the positive qualities that you have already provided examples for . . . just say something like, I am easy-going, eager-to-please, and helpful.
Notoman   
Jul 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

Prompt One:

Unless you are applying for a Christian university, I'd tone down the religious references. I read somewhere that it is fine to mention faith once, but not more than that.

What other impacts did Lyme disease have? Did it bring you and your sisters closer together? Is there a way to segue between the Lyme disease and photography? I feel like the photography piece comes at me quickly and a bit out of the blue.

There a few grammar issues with missing commas and sentence fragments, but I'll either let others tackle those or come back to them later.
Notoman   
Jul 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "Fleeting memories" - Are there any significant experiences you have had.... [16]

Your writing is strong, but again, I am not sure how well it fits the prompt. It doesn't relate to a significant experience or accomplishment as it is written right now. It does define you as a person to a certain extent, but I am not sure that the persona you are putting forth is the one you want admissions officers to see.

When I was reading your essay, the main points I took away from it were: you are a very good writer; a caring and giving person; someone who is easily taken advantage of and makes herself sick working for others; someone who is bitter when they don't feel gratitude.

You say at one point that you felt ostracized, but I don't know why. It sounds like you interacted with others (even if it was to serve them) and that your time spent indoors was of your own volition.

It would work better if you could show more of a paradigm shift. You say that you had an epiphany, but I don't feel the redemption in your essay. You say that loving and respecting yourself is the key to helping others, but I am not feeling the love and respect for yourself in this piece.

I see what Simone is saying about the negative emotion. As a reader, it leaves me feeling like everything was not resolved in the end.
Notoman   
Jul 23, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

Uh, I kinda forgot about that! I only took a semester of French and I mostly slept through it. I was on some serious medications that semester and French was my first-hour class. The teacher never attempted to wake me up; she encouraged me to sleep even. I dropped the class at semester.
Notoman   
Jul 23, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

True. Cinderblock isn't the best example. Maybe the non-compound form is preferred. If I ever write a paper on cinderblocks, I will have to look further into that, *grin*

My spellchecker doesn't like laissez faire. Even though it is French, it has become common enough in English that I would consider it integrated.

It accepts both fiance and fiancee (technically, you are supposed to use one for an engaged man and the other for an engaged woman, but I can never recall which is which). There should be accents over the first e's, but my program doesn't add them in like it does on some other words. It also knows what a bidet is. I would imagine that laissez faire appears much more often than bidet in English writing!
Notoman   
Jul 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Family influence - violence essay [14]

It is a nice essay. It needs some tweaking with the grammar.

One thing that stood out for me . . . your brother has always had thirty pounds and three inches on you? So . . . you were born weighing, what, six pounds something and he weighed 36 or so pounds? Revise that so that it makes more sense.

I have a brother who is three years younger than me and the kid is amazing. Things just come easy to him. He'll be a freshman next year and I'll be a senior. We will have a couple of the same classes (Spanish III, calculus). He holds a school record for running a mile and can play music by ear with incredible ease. My little brother can write circles around me as well. I can't imagine what life would be like if he were my twin.

I would like to read a little more about YOU in this essay. What are your strengths? How did you work your way out of your brother's shadow to find your own place in the sun? What was your brother's attitude toward you? Did his behavior toward you teach you life lessons as well? Did having a twin help you to discover early on who you are and what your place in the world is?
Notoman   
Jul 21, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

True, claymation could be trademarked. I don't know how old of a word it is. I put it on this list because I came across it here recently. I looked it up on line just to make sure that it is indeed a word. There have been a few more words here recently that have given me pause. Let me see if I can remember any of them!

cinderblock

That's the only one I can think of! There was another pretty common one in the last couple of days, but I can't recall it now.
Notoman   
Jul 21, 2009
Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

Noto, do you still play the trumpet?

Not very often! I volunteer to play Taps at funerals for veterans. We are losing our WWII veterans at an alarming rate. The national cemetery here has more services than they do buglers. I don't like the thought of people having to resort to recorded music for something so solemn. I didn't take band this last year in school because I needed the room in my schedule for other classes.

I play the bass guitar now and I sing a little. We have a band that does mostly covers of 60s and 70s songs. We just put on a "British Invasion" show and now we are working on a Woodstock tribute.

I'd still like suggestions though! I tend to study to jazz or classical . . . something instrumental so I don't lose myself in the lyrics.
Notoman   
Jul 21, 2009
Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

I think it would be more powerful if you could play up the teamwork and dedication aspects of the essay. As it stands, you play violin and you like applause along with the the travel and camaraderie . . . okay . . . but how has playing violin as a part of an orchestra made you a better person? By teaching you dedication, hard work, and to be a team player?

It is perfectly fine to have an essay that doesn't include strife or top-shelf awards, but it doesn't have to be sooooo ordinary either.

When I started playing the trumpet in the fourth grade, it was HORRIBLE. I think my parents were torn between wanting me to practice and wanting the peace. Maybe you could touch on your journey from a beginner to an accomplished player. Do you plan on continuing your music education? That might be another point to bring up.
Notoman   
Jul 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

Hip hop is a very broad genre of music.

I have to admit that the only hip hop I am familiar with is the stuff I cannot avoid! As a fan of classic rock, I don't like a lot of the modern music though. My band is working on a Woodstock tribute for the 40th anniversary right now.
Notoman   
Jul 21, 2009
Research Papers / Comparing pre and post Gold Rushes of the 1850s in Australia. [14]

Well before the gold rushes, Australia was a continent in the South Pacific inhabited by Indigenous/Aboriginal peoples. Numerous Asian, Ocieanic, and European traders had visited the continent, but it wasn't 1770 that it was claimed for Britain by Captain Cook. Australia was used as a British penal colony starting in 1788. There were willing immigrants/settlers as well. Any discussion of Australia prior to the gold rushes would need to discuss the three group (Aboriginals, prisoners, and settlers) and what life was like for them.

Sometimes when I look for reliable sites, I'll search out .gov (is the Australian equivalent .au?) and .org endings. Here are a few on Australian history:

postcolonialweb.org/australia/colonialov.html
gutenberg.net.au/aust-history.html
australianhistory.org

Of course I haven't vetted the information contained in any of the sites.
Notoman   
Jul 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

I like that the African American Vernacular (Black English, Black Vernacular, Ebonics) uses the negative concord. . . "Don't nobody know nothing." I find it much simpler than counting the negatives and trying to guess a person's true meaning when they use a double negative. It is similar to the negative construction in other languages like Spanish. It is about the only aspect of the African American Vernacular English that I find helpful though.

"Aks" for ask us like fingernails on a chalkboard to my ears. The verbs drives me nuts as well! Here are a couple of examples from the Wikipedia article along with their translations:

I been bought her clothes means "I bought her clothes a long time ago".
I been buyin' her clothes means "I've been buying her clothes for a long time".

Other verb constructions for this sentence could be:

I be buyin' her clothes -- "I am buying her clothes right now."
I stay buyin' her clothes -- "I am always buying her clothes."
" finna be buyin' her clothes -- "I will be buying her clothes."

English language learners using rap and hip-hop lyrics (or just about any genre of popular music for that matter) to learn the language sounds like a dangerous proposition! Consider one of the more popular rap/hip-hop songs right now, "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy. I won't/can't post all of the lyrics because they are inappropriate to say the least, but here are just a few:

Haterz Get Mad Cuz
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy

Hmmmm . . . that is about ALL I can post! I can't imagine a use for these phrases for the English learner. If understanding rap and hip-hop are indeed a leading reason for learning English, the language may not be doomed, but dat English dey be learnin' ain't gonna be pretty (and some of the slang -- with words that may seem innocuous or nonsensical like "Superman that hoe" from the aforementioned song -- could just get people in trouble).

This does remind me of a story my mom told me. She was living in Mexico in the early eighties and people were constantly asking her to translate song lyrics for them. She had no clue how to translate things like, "whip it, whip it good" or "feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin' we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive" for the people who asked.

I'd have to say that I am a traditionalist when it comes to language and I'd like to see the changes slowed as much as possible.
Notoman   
Jul 20, 2009
Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [48]

Pretty divergent views here! It makes for good reading.

I see the ideal society as one that looks after its most vulnerable citizens through laws as well as services/safety nets. In the best-case scenario, families, communities, and charitable organizations would provide for the needs of those unable to provide for themselves. When that fails (or when the task at hand is too large as in the case of natural disaster and foreign invasion), the government would step in.

By no means do I see it as the role of government to equalize wealth though. The oral surgeon, the dentist, the hygienist, and the receptionist all earn different amounts as they should.

Nor do I feel that living at taxpayers' expense should provide more than the basics. In fact, it would make sense to me if government housing resembled college dorm rooms replete with cinderblock walls instead of the current system in the US (okay, I will throw in a private bath and a small kitchenette making subsidized living better than the standard enjoyed by most college freshmen . . . maybe government housing would look more like a hotel room in my scenario).

My ideal society would have a level playing field and equal educational opportunities (how individuals make use of those opportunities would be up to them). That would be impossible to establish. Not only are schools very different from each other, but even individual teachers can have a huge impact on a person's life. This doesn't even take into account family dynamics. You can't mandate that parents read to their young children or help their adolescents with algebra.

It is quite possible to hoard natural resources (water, living in a western state, is one that comes to mind), but wealth -- as in earnings -- is not a natural resource. I do have some minor issues with conspicuous consumption, but my issues have more to do with "carbon footprint" than the way people spend their money. And my issues are only minor. I wouldn't want to outlaw international travel, ownership of private automobiles, or limit the size of television one can buy.
Notoman   
Jul 20, 2009
Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [48]

It would be tough to write an argumentative essay on 1984. You need to figure out a topic that you can not only argue, but one that you can support as well. Hmmmm . . . American schools, with the video surveillance, revisionist teachings, and insistence on political correctness are similar to the society portrayed in George Orwell's 1984; Big Brother leaves the proles alone in 1984 and this laissez faire attitude toward the underclass in sure to be the oversight that will bring down the governmental structure; you could argue that the rewriting of history in 1984 is nothing unusual and that societies do it all the time; governments have a right, a duty even, to keep governmental secrets from its citizens; or the converse . . . government has a responsibility to share all knowledge (whether there really were or were not weapons of mass destruction) with its citizens.

For that matter, why should giving to others, periodically or consistently, be defined as good, regardless of context?

I have to say that I totally get Sean's point here. Is a person making a million a year a better person because they contribute $400,000 or so to the public coffers through income, sales, and property taxes? Or are they selfish for hoarding the remainder? What if they tithe an additional $100,000 to their favorite charity? What about a person making $20,000 a year who takes out more money in stimulus payments and tax credits than they pay in and only donates $100/year to charity? Should the wealthy really be expected to give their money away while keeping only the average per capita for themselves? Should Luxembourg be mandated to redistribute their wealth to Liberia? Giving is a very personal choice, with that giving already mandated by the government aside that is. I don't judge people on the amount that they give. The person who makes a million/year and the one that only takes in $20,000/year are not more or less good people in my book. I also don't judge a person on the amount of time that they volunteer. Whether a person is a socialite serving on numerous philanthropic committees or a single mother working sixty hours/week and never volunteering does nor increase or decrease their value as a person in my mind.

A capitalist society does not provide an even playing field at all. Everyone is born with different strengths and weaknesses. That is the way of nature. Animals in nature are not on an even playing field either. If one person is born with a higher IQ than someone else that means that the playing field is no longer equal.

This isn't about equal PLAYERS, but an equal playing field. Capitalism, with truly equal access to educational opportunities and no inherited wealth, is indeed a level playing field where players can rise to stardom based on their own merits -- including intelligence and ability. An equal playing field . . . equal opportunity, is very different than equal ability.

It is a tricky topic. I am probably not making much sense here. I am not feeling my best tonight and my thoughts are pretty muddled as a result. I might come back to this thread tomorrow and wonder what in the world I was thinking.
Notoman   
Jul 19, 2009
Book Reports / The Fountainhead (Written for an Essay Contest) [8]

Alas, I graduated a fair while back

I thought that might be the case, but I know so little about your personal life. "Sean," in my mind, is a young name. The only older Seans I can think of are Sean Connery and Sean Penn. I think of Kevin as a young name as well (probably in part because that is my younger brother's name).

I subscribe to what I think of as enlightened libertarianism

I like that! I might have to adopt similar terminology to describe my own political beliefs. Politics is a vast and complicated subject. I have not fully fleshed out my personal political philosophy, but I am working on it.

I've spent the morning reading more about Ayn Rand's personal life. What a mess! Could you imagine having her as a mother? Not that she ever wanted kids. I was under the impression that she had a romantic relationship with Alan Greenspan, but I didn't find anything authoritative confirming that. Her relationship with Nathanial Branden was unusual enough. Interestingly, he became a psychologist and authored several books on self-esteem. I would have to agree that Ayn Rand was a strong philosopher, but a poor psychologist!

I appreciate the conversation, Sean. I could never say to my peers, "So, do you think that Ayn Rand controlled the Federal Reserve from Alan Greenspan's bed?" They'd look at me funny, steal my lunch money, and then stuff me into a locker.
Notoman   
Jul 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

I like the sentence about your mom working hard and only having an elementary education. I think that it provides powerful background information about your family situation.

I'd rather see something else get cut.

Here's another version. It comes in at just under 1200 character (with spaces, which I am still not convinced count . . . one of my word-processing programs doesn't even give the option of counting the spaces). I am not completely happy with it, but it lets you keep more of that biographical information that paints a more complete picture of your upbringing:

...
Notoman   
Jul 18, 2009
Book Reports / The Fountainhead (Written for an Essay Contest) [8]

Pity the essay was on The Fountainhead -- I always much preferred Atlas Shrugged myself.

There are different contests depending on your grade level. 8th, 9th, and 10th grade write about Anthem (my brother entered this one and I really think he'll earn one of the prizes), 11th and 12th grades write about The Fountainhead, 12th grade and college write about Atlas Shrugged. Are you still in school? Even grad school folks can enter the Atlas Shrugged contest . . . the deadline isn't until September. The Atlas Shrugged contest only has 49 winners. I could probably enter the Atlas Shrugged contest as well because I will be in 12th grade by September. The competition is sure to be *much* stiffer though! Not only would I be competing against college students, but there are a lot less prizes.

The essay reads too much like a book report.

Yes, it does. I reread it and man, it is BORING. I don't have a lot of experience with creative writing. I tend to follow the prompt to a T and not stray too far from the directive (how very un-Roark of me!). I also get bogged down in word choice and grammar and fail to see the forest for the trees. I feel like I am a decent writer, but I want to be a great writer. I still have a lot to learn. I love your suggestions for tacks to take. It certainly would make a more interesting essay!

Libertarianism . . . you hit the nail on the head! It is interesting how people talk about fiscal conservationism in the US, but NO ONE votes that way. Our two-party system seems to be set up to see which party can garner the most pork barrel for their supporters with little concern for the big picture. It is also interesting how "socialism" is a bad word in the US, but many politicians unabashedly embrace the tenets of socialism (look at the recent governmental acquisition of GM and reallocation of stock shares to the union for an example). I by no means espouse all of the Libertarian Party's beliefs . . . some governmental regulation and even censorship is a good thing, nor would I want to see all taxes abolished. The Libertarians have a funky stand on education as well. I don't agree with Obama's idea that every American needs a taxpayer-funded higher education, but I wouldn't want to change the K-12 public system too much. What I really want from my government is fiscal responsibility. Is that too much to ask? Are you supposed to use question marks with rhetorical questions?

Hmmmm . . . Ayn Rand as a strong philosopher, but a poor psychologist. I will have to think about that. I could see her saying something like, "I think, therefore I am better than all of you other peons!" I do see her philosophy of Objectivism as a valuable contribution to the field of philosophy (something I have never studied, btw). Does the statement imply that she'd be a poor psychologist because she lacks all empathy, she doesn't understand human nature, or both? Personally, I don't think that she was the best writer. Her books are unnecessarily long and repetitive. She could have benefited from a having a ruthless editor unafraid of paring down extraneous verbiage.
Notoman   
Jul 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

Okay, THAT essay would make me want to take a chance on you! I know that it is hard to get personal, but they are really going to need to see you in a personal way because the GED doesn't fit the mold of the typical applicant. Even though this essay is short, it is powerful. It shows that you are a young woman who has not had breaks in life but is motivated to succeed.

You talk about a WORD count . . . did you mean CHARACTER count? You have about 300 words right now, but 1,600 characters. Sean's revisions would take your character count down significantly. In fact, Sean's revisions leave it at 1230 characters. It wouldn't be too hard to pare it down a little more if need be.

There are just two more minor grammar adjustments I would make. I like hyphens. Hyphens are one of my favorite types of punctuation. Here's where I'd use them:

single-family home
two-bedroom apartment
hands-on experience

And one more fix . . . "a elementary diploma" . . . I'd change this to "an elementary education." You don't want to assign any weight to her experience by calling it a diploma and the article (an) flows better.

Wishing you the best!
Notoman   
Jul 17, 2009
Book Reports / The Fountainhead (Written for an Essay Contest) [8]

I have mixed feelings on Ayn Rand. I haven't totally figured out my political beliefs yet, but I think I lean toward Libertarianism. Jefferson is my political hero. If he were alive today, not only would he be very old, but I think he'd be a Libertarian.

I tried to write the essay to withstand the judging process . . . praise Rand and her heroes. I can't enter this year's contest, but I want to learn so I can have a chance at next year's contest. The prize money is HUGE . . . first place is $10,000. There are 10 third prizes worth a grand each. Critique it as if you were an employee of the Rand Institute and on the judging panel, *grin*

You're right in that I didn't go too far out of the box. I read the last five years or so worth of winning essay and scoured the Rand Institute's website. I kept my writing in line with what I read there, but it is a little sanitized.

In what areas do you think I could improve writing of this nature?

Thanks!
Notoman   
Jul 17, 2009
Book Reports / The Fountainhead (Written for an Essay Contest) [8]

An essay contest that I don't have a snowball's chance of winning. I didn't enter. I had a seizure that landed me in the hospital a couple of days before the deadline and I missed the date.

This particular contest has *236* winners. Even though it is highly competitive, I figured that my chances were significantly improved by the sheer number of winners. I don't know how much time I spent reading the book and writing the essay (the audiobook is 32 hours). At least I was able to talk my English teacher into giving me some extra credit points for my effort (extra credit points that I sorely needed after my absences). The rules specify that the essay should be between 800 and 1600 words. This stands at 1597 words. I like to live on the edge.

I want to give it a shot next year. Posting this year's essay and getting feedback will be invaluable to improving my odds the next go round. Thanks!

In asking Roark to design Cortlandt, Keating says he would sell his soul for Roark's help. Roark replies, "To sell your soul is the easiest thing in the world. That's what everybody does every hour of his life. If I asked you to keep your soul-would you understand why that's much harder?"

In her 1943 novel, The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand illustrates her philosophy of Objectivism through the stark contrast of the protagonist Howard Roark and the middling figure of Peter Keating. Roark's steadfast adherence to his principals, even when the stakes are high, testifies to his character as a man. Peter Keating, on the other hand, changes his colors to fit the environment, rides others' coattails, and manipulates his way to the top of his field. The dichotomy between the characters is illustrated when Keating asks Roark to help him with plans for a cost-efficient housing project. Keating grovels and pleads with Roark saying that he'd do anything-even sell his soul-for Roark's assistance. Roark answers, "To sell your soul is the easiest thing in the world. That's what everybody does every hour of his life. If I asked you to keep your soul-would you understand why that's much harder?" (578). Rand explains the human soul or spirit as " . . . your consciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom. This is the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and character" (The New Intellectual, 127). Howard Roark is a man who holds tight to his dignity in an uncompromising quest to defend against the disintegration of his soul. Peter Keating's choices, on the other hand, degrade his soul, piece by piece, to attain his desires.

When the reader first meets Howard Roark and Peter Keating, they are studying architecture at the same university. Peter is "star student of Stanton, president of the student body, captain of the track team, member of the most important fraternity, voted most popular man on campus" (29). Keating is adept at emulating the styles that the school is teaching and at pleasing instructors, but he is not the luminary that he appears to be on the surface. When he is asked to speak at graduation, he has "nothing to say about architecture" (31). Keating relies on Roark to help him with the technical aspects of his assignments. As Keating is graduating at the top of his class, Roark is expelled. He is brilliant in his engineering sciences courses, but designs his projects in the way that he sees fit instead of adhering to the dictates of the assignments. The Dean asks Roark to explain why he designs modern buildings regardless of the assigned task. Roark answers, "I want to be an architect, not an archeologist" (22).

Roark and Keating embark on careers in New York City, taking very divergent tacks. Roark seeks out Henry Cameron, a visionary architect without many commissions, because he admires his work. Keating accepts a position at Francon & Heyer solely for the cachet the name offers. Roark opens his own office and struggles financially, but refuses to compromise his designs to please clients. Keating is a master at pleasing people and using social ties to win contracts. Keating has "always known how to become a part of any place he entered; he came soft and bright as a sponge to be filled, unresisting, with the air and mood of the place" (53). Roark, conversely, is as steady as the rock he builds with, and doesn't care to be anything other than himself. Roark rhetorically asks, "What can I tell people in order to get commissions? I can only show my work. If they don't hear that, they won't hear anything I say. I'm nothing to them, but my work-my work is all we have in common" (160). When a client asks Roark to play badminton with him, Roark declines. Keating cannot comprehend this approach. "You know what I would have done?" Keating says. "I would have sworn I'd played badminton since I was two years old and how it's the game of kings and earls and it takes a soul of rare distinction to appreciate it and by the time he'd put me to the test I'd have made it my business to play like an earl, too" (262).

Roark allows his sense of morality to be his guide in all decisions that he makes, with financial success being secondary to upholding his principles. Roark has drawn plans for a skyscraper, but the client wants to add a Doric portico and a cornice. Roark walks away from the commission because he cannot maintain the integrity of his design and meet the client's requests. The client chastises Roark saying, "Don't you know how big a commission this is? You're a young man, you won't get another chance like this. And . . . all right, damn it all, I'll say it! You need this! I know how badly you need it!" As Roark is walking away, the client accuses him of being fanatical and selfless. Roark retorts, "That was the most selfish thing you've ever seen a man do" (197-198). Loosing this commission means that Roark must close his architectural office and take work at a granite quarry. This fate is more palatable to him than erecting a building that looks "like a Renaissance palace made of rubber and stretched to the height of forty stories" (173).

Keating lacks a moral compass. He crushes those ahead of him to move up the ladder at the architectural firm. Keating blackmails the firm's partner, Lucius Heyer, in an attempt to force his retirement. Under the stress of Keating's confrontation, Heyer suffers a fatal stroke. Keating feels no guilt over Heyer's death. Even though Keating had relied on "the shock and the terror" of his actions to cause a "second stroke which would send Heyer to the hospital for the rest of his days" (186), he justifies his course by telling himself "that he had nothing to regret; he had done what anyone else would have done" (187). Keating later sells his wife Dominique to Gail Wynand in exchange for a building contract saying, "I'll use you both and I'll get what I can out of it-and that's all I care (450).

Roark trusts his instincts when it comes to architecture. Howard Roark "didn't care what the clients thought or wished, what anyone in the world thought or wished. He didn't even understand how other architects could care" (352). The other architects thought of Roark as conceited and took his failure to work with a group as a personal affront. Roark answered them succinctly with, "I don't work with collectives. I don't consult, I don't cooperate, I don't collaborate" (514). It is because Roark understands and appreciates the quality of his own work that he adamantly adheres to his designs.

Keating reveals his uncertainty in his abilities when he says, "I'm never sure of myself. I don't know whether I'm as good as they all tell me I am" (33). All his life Peter Keating has subjugated his own desires and accepted the direction that others have pushed him in. As a young man, he had wanted to be an artist, but his mother thought that architecture was a more dignified career. Keating would have married his sweetheart, Katie, long ago if it hadn't been for her plain appearance and the fact that his mother calls Katie a "guttersnipe" (155). When it comes to assessing his own stature as an architect, Keating "didn't want to be great, but to be thought great. He didn't want to build, but to be admired as a builder" (606).

Keating realizes that he is in over his head. He tells Roark, "Howard, I'm a parasite. I've been a parasite all my life. . . . I have fed on you and all the men like you who lived before we were born (576). Roark knows that he has done no favors for Peter when he has helped him with his work. Roark apologizes by saying, "It's I who've destroyed you, Peter. From the beginning. By helping you. There are matters in which one must not ask for help nor give it. I shouldn't have done your projects at Stanton. I shouldn't have done the Cosmo-Slotnick Building. Nor Cortlandt. I loaded you with more than you can carry (612-613). Despite this, Roark helps Keating design one more building-a housing project named Cortlandt, but only on the condition that there are no changes to Roark's plan. Roark allows Keating to profit from the commission and take all the credit because he wants to see his concept for the building erected. Peter is helpless when committee members change Roark's vision for Cortlandt. When Roark discovers the alterations, he conspires to demolish the structure, even knowing that he could go to prison for the deed. Howard Roark does this because of his unmitigated devotion to his ideals.

At his trial, Roark tells those assembled that "Men have been taught that it is a virtue to swim with the current. But the creator is the man who goes against the current" (682). We live in a society that inculcates altruism, but Roark stands against society and extols the virtue of the individual. Roark understands that "A man's spirit, however, is his self. That entity which is his consciousness. To think, to feel, to judge, to act are functions of the ego" (680). Keating sits in the courtroom as a broken man who has sold his soul long ago. Roark has resolutely retained his soul and the aspects that comprise his human essence. Roark may not have enjoyed financial success or accolades from his contemporaries, but he is secure in the knowledge that he has not wavered in his principals.
Notoman   
Jul 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / The generation gap + Prevention vs Cure - help with these topics [6]

I see "diverting" as the key word here too. It is not like a country could divert a major portion of its health budget for obstetrics from prenatal care to pregnancy prevention programs . . . you'd still have people who are pregnant and in need of services.
Notoman   
Jul 17, 2009
Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

Personally, I think that the GED might help you jump off of the page -- especially at Penn State. They probably see a lot of kids who volunteer at hospitals, but not as many applicants with GEDs. If you are comfortable with the topic, you could talk about why you went the GED path instead of the traditional diploma and how you feel you controlled/conquered the obstacles you faced the first time. Show them that you are ready and capable of completing a more traditional college program.
Notoman   
Jul 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

We always seem to get off on these tangents on vietfun2k's threads. I like the tangents.

I had to get back to work and didn't have time to fully develop my thoughts. You're right! English has surpassed French as a lingua franca (dang it, that is what I meant to say). And the number of people using English continues to grow. It seems that Chinese is the lingua franca in most of Asia. I have an uncle (my dad's brother) who is fluent in spoken Chinese. He worked in Taiwan and Malaysia for years and was able to do business with people from numerous Asian countries using his Chinese. But . . . even after twenty years of being fully immersed in Chinese, he doesn't read or write the language very well.

Chinese and English are *incredibly* different from each other. It is very difficult for native speakers of Chinese to master English and vice versa (btw, my spellchecker highlights versa, but that was a different vietfun2k thread). A few years back my family hosted a couple of exchange students from Taiwan for the summer. I was surprised by how little English the teachers traveling with the group spoke. I am not disrespecting the Chinese here. The Chinese have made greater inroads learning English than English speakers have made at speaking Chinese.

Even though an international language would be very useful, I personally feel it is an impossibility. When the Tower of Babel was struck down and humans scattered over the earth, the divide between languages became too great for societies to effectively span . . . but that doesn't mean that we should stop trying.
Notoman   
Jul 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

The usefulness of there being one widely spoken language (an international language, even) in a globalized world should be self-evident.

True, true. There is always Esperanto. *wink*

French used to be the lingua franca for much of the world (and still is to a large degree). English is quickly gaining ground, but it is such a difficult language to learn and master that it faces limitations as a lingua franca. If you have ever had to deal with Adobe's outsourced tech support, you'd most likely agree.

When my brother and I were younger, my mom would read the classics to us. The language in Tom Sawyer, Around the World in Eighty Days and even the Jungle Book was much more complex than the language kids are exposed to today. I see part of the problem as a "dumbing down" in society. The number of English words is vast, but students are only taught a small fraction of them.
Notoman   
Jul 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

So, while linguistic change is inevitable, it should also be fought against for as long as possible, to preserve the utility of the language.

I feel it is best to err on the side of the traditional. Generally when someone is writing, they are writing for an audience -- whether that is an admissions panel, a teacher, or even a love interest. Unless you know that audience very well, the safest route to navigate through the perils and pitfalls of a changing language is the paved path of the past. You don't always know who will be reading your words. If they happen to be a stodgy grammarian, you'll want to mind your P's and Q's.
Notoman   
Jul 15, 2009
Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (Warning: slightly depressing)! [11]

Wow! It is a very powerful essay. First, let me say that I am sorry for the loss of your father. I cannot imagine. This is a very strong essay and it evokes images as well as emotions.

My mind was busy sorting and making sure it had each memory of him on file.

His heart stopped in the middle of the night.

You might want a little more clarification here because it is all written in the past tense. Did it stop the night before; leaving brain dead while you were sitting with him? Did it stop later that night leaving him more vulnerable?

At that moment I instinctively rushed back inside to room 208 of ICU to find that my 52-year old father's heart stopped beating due to its strain from an infection, but he appeared to be saved and more peaceful than ever.

This sentence is pretty long and gets confusing. I'd split it up into smaller sentences. Your sentences are generally long as it is and splitting this one would give you a little more variety in length. When you say that he appeared to be saved, is that a religious reference? It doesn't fit too well here. Maybe because it seems vague. You did already talk about God's liberating him. I'd take out this reference because it would require more explanation and you really don't want to detract from the emotion. Maybe: I instinctively rushed back inside to room 208 of ICU to find that my 52-year old father's heart stopped beating. Even though the strain of an infection had beaten him, he appeared more peaceful than ever.

I agree with Liebe's revisions for for the conclusion. I think it is fine to bring the piece back to the hospital smell, but lingering on the smell makes the essay more about the odor than the loss.
Notoman   
Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

That's interesting Sean! I am always learning. Dictionary.com isn't my favorite source (they seem a little too relaxed sometimes). It is also interesting that Merriam-Webster lists compose and comprise as interchangeable. I learned that there is a distinction between when to use compose versus comprise so I looked it up on several grammar sites. They all made a distinction, but they are also stuffy grammarians. Language changes. I try not to push limits too much because I never know when I am going to push my teacher's buttons.
Notoman   
Jul 14, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

Does it know the french terms if you include the accents:

One of my word programs adds in the accents automatically, but the other doesn't recognize the words regardless. They *both* automatically add the cedilla on the word facade.
Notoman   
Jul 14, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

My spellchecker doesn't like wellbeing, rollerskate, firebombing, or claymation (animation with clay like Saturday Night Live's Mr. Bill). It doesn't recognize some foreign words that have moved into English like sherpa. It knows the raison in raison d'etre but not the d'etre. It knows coup, but not coup d'etat.

It also doesn't know high schooler. Well, it knows high, but not schooler.

I am sure that there are many others, but these words came to mind.
Notoman   
Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

Okay, upon further research, I see that you don't use the word of with comprised. Dang, English is hard! Well, people do use the word of with comprise, but that doesn't make it right.

Rewrite that part to say: I look forward to working in a scholarly community comprising individuals from diverse health disciplines. That way if there are any grammar sticklers on the review board, you will be covered.

Don't forget to change "I have aspired" to "has aspired."
Notoman   
Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

*I do not know how to quote with the boxes and stuff.

It is easy to use the boxes! Highlight the text that you want to quote and then click on "quote" at the bottom, right-hand side of the post. The words will show up as a box in your reply.

would it be better to say "Growing up with severe asthma and limited health care has inspired me to become a compassionate physician who can provide patient care to the poor and underserved."?

Yes! I like this better. There is more of a connection between the two parts of the sentence and the flow is much better.

I know that you are tight on characters, but I'd spell out San Francisco if you have the room. You could omit the "to them" at the end of the third paragraph if something needs to go. Do they want a character count with or without spaces? It can make a big difference!

to working in a scholarly community composed of individuals from diverse health disciplines

This is one of those really odd English things. You want the word comprise here instead of compose. Comprise means "made up of." The whole comprises the parts. Composed, on the other hand, means "make up." The parts compose the whole. The scholarly community is comprised of individuals. Individuals compose the scholarly community.
Notoman   
Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

I see some essays without a comma after a list of items. Is this grammatically incorrect or optional?

That last comma in a list is called the "Oxford comma" or the "serial comma." It is customary to use it with American English and not with British English. Many journalistic style books in America have been favoring the omission of the Oxford comma as well. Both uses are considered grammatically correct, but consistency is key. British English will include the last comma when it is needed to clarify the meaning of sentence.

1) "I have aspired to become" or "I had aspired"?

I am not crazy about this whole sentence. There is not enough of a connection between "growing up" and "aspiring." If the sentence were to stand, you would want to use have because had makes it sound like your desire is concluded while have is saying that you still have that aspiration. When I was a young child, I had wanted to be a cowboy. Ever since discovering calculus, I have aspired to be an aeronautical engineer. See the difference?

2) "As an aspiring physician" or just "An aspiring physician"? I always learned it with an "As" :)

As, *grin* You aren't talking about any old aspiring physician, you are talking about what you would do as an aspiring physician.

learning from their myriad of medical conditions

You do not want the word of here. When you use myriad as a noun, you need the word of. When you use it as an adjective (like you have done here), you omit the word of.

I am out of time to look at the rest! There are capable people here to help guide you. You can always look up the things that you are unsure about. I think that it is very strong. BUT . . . the stakes are high and you want it to be perfect.
Notoman   
Jul 11, 2009
Undergraduate / The biological father plays a tiny role in my life, but my stepfather loves me like I am his own son [8]

The flow might be a little smoother if you took some of it into the present tense. Besides, he didn't just love you in the past, but continues to love you. You might also want to clarify upfront that you call him dad. His name, in this type of essay at least, isn't terribly important. You give some good examples of time spent together and lessons that he taught you.

The person who has influenced me the most in life is without a question my Dad. My real father was not present very often throughout my life, but my stepfather Tom Dunderman was very present.

Let the reader know right away that he is your stepfather, but you call him dad. A little tweak in this introduction would help to clarify: The person who influences my life the most, without question, is my stepfather. While my biological father plays a very small role in my life, my stepfather loves me like I am his own son. I am proud to call him dad.

He took me and my siblings in just like we were his own flesh and blood, while instilling his most important values.

I'd drop the word his from in front of important values . . . unless his important values differed greatly from traditional values. To bring this into the preset tense, you could write something like: He cares for my siblings and me just like we are his own flesh and blood and instills important values.

This man did what my real father did not have the courage to do. He gave me love and was there to teach me the lessons that were grave to my progression in life.

The word grave can have negative connotations--it generally is used to mean serious or grim. I'd replace it. One rewrite might be: This man shows courage by stepping into the role vacated by my father. He gives me love and teaches me lessons that are imperative to my progression in life.

The first of these being that you must depend on yourself and not depend on others to get the results you want.

This sentence needs some revision as well. I am not sure what to do with it though!

To understand what I mean by this you must know the business that he owns and operates. My dad has three produce stands at the Westside Market in Cleveland, and if he depended on the other vendors efforts to sell produce, he would be out of business.

This part is tricky and I don't really know what you are trying to say. The reader won't be able to fully know the business that he owns and operates, so it is better not to insist that they understand. The sentence about the other vendors just leaves me confused. You could talk here about how hard he works in his business to ensure quality for his customers or something else along those lines.

Another lesson he taught was the value of a good education.

I'd omit the word good. You don't really need to qualify education and pretty much all education has value (even those tough life lessons we'd rather forget).

I remember when I first started algebra and was having issues, and he would help me by reviewing my homework and showing me my mistakes.

I'd replace the word issues because having issues can evoke a negative mental image. Omit the verbs would . . .help doesn't need a helping verb in this case. In fact, get rid of as many passive voice, helping verbs as you can: When I first started algebra and had difficulty, he helped me by reviewing my homework and showing me my mistakes.

As he did this I learned how to work through problems on paper and in life.

Ad a comma after the word this[i].

I remember my dad showing me how to fix my bike chain if it was to pop off or if my gears would stick .

Small revisions here: My dad showed me how to fix my bike chain when it was about to pop off and how to repair stuck gears.

These little lessons eventually escalated to the point were I did not need to ask for help, but would examine my problems on my own and try to figure out my own solution.

The lessons didn't really escalate, but your knowledge base is what grew. Maybe: I learned enough from these little lessons that eventually I was able to figure out solutions on my own instead of needing to ask for help.

It may sound extremely generic me saying this, but without my dads influence I would not be the scholar I am

Drop [i]generic
. You answered a prompt. It makes sense that the most influential person in your life was someone who lived under the same roof and loved you. No need to apologize. Maybe something like: Without my dad's influence and guidance, I would not be the self-reliant scholar I am.
Notoman   
Jul 10, 2009
Writing Feedback / Is Obama's stimulus package working? [15]

Ah, thank you Sean! Journalism is a very competitive field and talented writers are a dime a dozen. I think I will be a rock star instead (insert wry smile here).

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, but I am leaning toward history teacher . . . four months of paid vacation and a planning period (or two) every day to catch up. History is my best subject and I enjoy everything about it. I work as a lifeguard right now. It is the perfect job for a lazy teenager. Most days we will get a thirty-minute break for every fifteen minutes we are on the stand.
Notoman   
Jul 10, 2009
Writing Feedback / Is Obama's stimulus package working? [15]

Let me comment first on your essay . . . I think that it is well thought out. You have strong vocabulary. You seem to be missing a lot of articles though (a, an, and the). They are little words that readers tend to gloss over, but when they are missing, it disturbs the flow. The use of articles in English is a *very* complicated thing. Some nouns need them while others don't. Native English speakers tend to instinctively know when something sounds off. Here are a few examples from your writing to demonstrate what I mean:

he propsed a $787 bilion stimulus package

the unemployment rate is now skyrocketing

much higher than the initial projection of the Obama administration (or you could drop the word the from in front of Obama and instead say Obama's administration) of 8 percent unemployment rate followed by the stimulus package.

Bush administration. Again, you would either need to say the Bush administration or Bush's administration.

employ more workers in thosethe construction industry.

Now I will comment on Obama's stimulus package . . . Keep in mind that I am just a high school kid and my political knowledge is limited by my age, education, and experience. Heck, I am not even old enough to vote.

The United States government needs to expect more responsibility and self reliance from its citizens. Instead of a chicken-in-every-pot our current administration adheres to the axiom that there ought to be a car in every garage--attached to a three or four-bedroom house--and it is the government's responsibility to make this American dream a reality at taxpayer expense. The government should not be in the business of providing subsidies and stimulus money to individuals for such purchases. I believe that the government should provide a safety net for its most vulnerable citizens, but that safety net does not need to be lined in the finest silk. This redistribution of wealth using tax money is a travesty. There are other provisions of the stimulus package that I find very disturbing, but this aspect chaps my hide the most. Individuals, and governments for that matter, must learn to live within their means.

I admire Jefferson's political philosophies (you could say that he is my patron saint of politics). He believed in small government and individual liberties; "a wise and frugal government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another." The number of federal employees, including postal workers and members of the military, was under 10,000 in Jefferson's day. Today the behemoth that is our federal government employs over three million--and that is just the federal government. Jefferson would be appalled by our current state of affairs. In a 1802 letter, Jefferson proclaimed, "I sincerely believe, with you, that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies; and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale." If he saw the mess created by sub prime mortgages and proposed government bailouts, he'd say the same thing today.

We are creating huge debt for future generations to contend with just so we can be more comfortable today. One figure I found online said that each taxpayer's portion of the national debt is now at $51,880 . . . every citizen is on the hook for $23,551, and my family of four would be responsible for $94,204. And the government wants to increase that debt through subsidies to individuals, corporations, and pork-barrel spending? *SIGH*
Notoman   
Jul 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

It is well written. It has nice flow, strong verbs, and your word choices make sense.

I would add the words in Vietnam after rural village because it gives the reader a better mental image of your experiences with health care in a remote area. As it stands, the reader might conjure images of a wind-swept farm in North Dakota or a backwater bayou of Louisiana. The word in Vietnam tell the reader just a little bit more about yourself.

I would take out the word ill before patients. Patients need preventative, prenatal, on-going, and well care in addition to treatment when they are ill. Even if this program focuses on ill patients, the word is better off omitted.

You talk about growing up in a rural village and about providing health care in a program serving rural America, but then you say you want to serve all socioeconomic classes. Is the program designed to reach low-income people in rural areas or all income levels in remote locations? Throwing socioeconomic in there might confuse the reader. The mission of the program is to develop doctors to serve remote areas and I'd stick to that and omit any reference to socioeconomic status.

I'm very excited by the prospect of working alongside experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare and devoted classmates of Columbia University to serve the rural community of Cooperstown, NY.

I'd take out the part about devoted classmates. Sure, working alongside classmates can be exciting, but that is not why you are applying for this program. You are applying because you want to glean knowledge from the experienced physicians on the Bassett Healthcare team and serve the rural community of Cooperstown. I am thinking that you ought to spell out New York here. It is more formal that way.

Did you see this press release on the program you are applying for? (Yes, I am a geek like that and wanted to learn more about the particular program).

cumc.columbia.edu/news/press_releases/090511ColumbiaBassett. html

At one point it says that they are particularly interested in candidates that come from rural areas (because they are more likely to serve in rural areas after their training). It also talks about how the "longitudinal care" of patients is very different from traditional training that provides more of a "snapshot" than the big picture. I would play up this unique aspect of the program. Show that you really understand what kind of program this is and how it fits with your future goals. Speaking of which, if you want a future working in a rural or remote area, state it!

Liebe has some good advice. Tell Columbia what they want to hear about YOU. Why does this program hold interest for you? How can you fulfill the program's desire to recruit people from rural backgrounds and train doctors to serve the future needs of remote areas? I see Libe's point about the word boundless. What if you changed it to accessible or accessible to all? Money isn't the only issue in availability of health care and the focus of this particular program is on rural care.

Please let us know when you get accepted! Your essays have provided me with a little insight into your life and I am interested in the outcome.
Notoman   
Jul 9, 2009
Writing Feedback / 1st essay in 13 years. Disadvantages that working mothers give to their children [12]

Anyway, I guess what I was trying to do was persuade, not offend.

I wasn't offended by your essay. I was trying to point out that it is not a black and white issue. When you want to persuade people sometimes the best way is to lead them gently. It is an emotional issue. You have seen both sides of the stay-at-home/working-mom debate and I imagine that even your feelings on the subject are mixed. Wishing you the best and hoping that you find your balance with work and home life.

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