Writing Feedback / IELTS Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with a free cell [11]

Hellooo..,


I strongly suggest you to follow Pahan's approach for your introduction. Also, if you could, you might construct your conclusion with this structure:

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1; Global sales of games software, Ds and Video or DVD [5]



I was in the previous thread presenting minor details for "thousand". Here do I search from internet. Hopefully, this will help you.
a/one thousand miles
five thousand dollars.
30 thousand people.
thousands of things.
the thousandth anniversary

Writing Feedback / Essay on " Every year several languages die out"; 'but still we manage our life' [7]

Reading good published writings is the key to improve your writing


I strongly suggest you to follow Dumi's approach above. Also, please kindly read the two links (Sample Essays) provided


the best way to measure your writing is to compare and understand what the IELTS Writing band descriptors (Task 2) say, consisting of Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Male and Female Fitness Membership [5]

Save 5 to 10 minutes to check your grammatical mechanics.
Specific prepositions it takes for your writing:
Problem: the prepositions are often linked to specific verbs, nouns, and adjectives.
fluctuated with, fluctuated under, switch between, before reach

Correctly use the prepositions that are linked to specific verbs, nouns, and adjectives.
fluctuated around/ between, switch from/ to, before reaching

Writing Feedback / Essay on " Every year several languages die out"; 'but still we manage our life' [7]

Hellooo...,


is this you mean? One nation can preserve their own language by speaking in their native language. As a result, occidental people can perceive this language.


is this you mean? In India, we have some local vernacular as the languages spoken, but we have adopted English and Hindi as official languages when speaking to family back home.

Thanks

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Describing Map Chorleywood Area [11]

Helloooo...,
If you have a map, you'd better focus on the features given. These features are very very important as your torchlight when constructing the paragraphs. In this map, you have seven features: the first four talking about the dates and the second three showing infrastructures.

I try to show you how I compose these features into the bodies (giving the details):

The first body:
Start from 1868 to 1883: a small area along Chorleywood Park and Golf Course located in the centre of the village.
Then, 1883-1992: the horizontally shaded area around the station
Next, between 1922 and 1970: the darkly shaded area was established in south-southwest of the Chorleywood Park and Golf Course.
Finally, from 1970 to 1994: five diagonally shaded areas

The second body
- two Main roads from the east to the northwest and the north to southwest of the map
- Railway from the west to the east of the village was taken to this area in 1909
- In the east of the map , Motorway was built in 1970

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : International Sporting in easing international tensions [4]

I think you'd better write like this: While some people disagree with this statement, I tend to agree because international games can be necessary for international relations and national unity.

Both sentences are grammatically correct and contain the same two pieces of information. However, the second one (the blue sentence) shows an effective thesis statement, by placing the main sentence at the end of the sentence.

Writing Feedback / check and grade IELTS Task 1 Diagram and table are attached [7]





if compared to the sales of pastries showing a marked decrease, sandwiches put 110 pieces up for the sales.
Thanks

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Do you believe studying hard will bring better life, Agree disagree [7]

Hellooo...,

Take a closer look at the prompt.


Topic: Does good exam result at a school or college do guarantee success in life? You need more words to discuss this topicThis is your starting point to enhance your opinion for the following paragraph.

Opinion: Discuss the advantages that a good education can have on your future. Highlight this: It is not me, it is not others, but it is your opinion dealing with your future.

Task:Do you believe that studying hard will bring a better life? I didn't see you give an emphasis for this key word. It is very simple, but you can't ignore the fact that (extract from website) The personal pronoun I is used in academic discourse for self-reference, particularly when referring to one's own stance (one's position or viewpoint) Moreover, This pronoun is a must.

A few details it takes for grammatical mechanics:



Word says this is an inappropriate word order. I agree. Highly: Adverb, Mark: Verb/ Noun. Follow this: Adjective is modifying Noun. Adverb is modifying Verb


Word says there is a problem with Subject and Verb agreement. This should be good schools are / good school is


and


Word says this is an inappropriate word order. I agree. A modifier can't be plural. Omit "s" building and school.


Word gives punctuation suggestion, a comma.


Word gives punctuation suggestion, a comma and says there is a problem with Verb agreement (Is and Consider)


Word says there is a problem with the word choice. Are you sure Dyslexian is an English word?


Word says this is a bad grammar issue. I agree. There is a problem with Subject and Verb agreement.

Your Introduction:


Is it a hook? I am not sure enough this is going to be a good hook. The economic prosperity doesn't have any relationship with your topic. But, if it is any, I think this is very very very general . If you can't even create a hook, then leave it out. However, A hook is a must for earning a good score :)

I remember how Dumi (our moderator) provides a mentoring structure for other students (like me) at this forum dealing with an introductory paragraph.
She suggests: INTRODUCTION- hook+ background of your topic + State your opinion/ position. I think you should pay particular attention to what the structure is constructed.

Thanks. Good Luck for your exam :)

Research Papers / Parvovirus and canine distemper; Review on two animal diseases [4]

You write well. I enjoy reading it. You maintain good grammatical mechanics and sentence styles. While this writing has been presented for specialized field, using some technical words, it is still easy to follow the logical order. Yep, I like your writing. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Task 2. Crime and Punishment. IELTS [9]

Hellooo...,

Take a closer look at the prompt.


Topic: Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime.
Opinion: Other, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Task: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

This the structure you should deal with. Moreover, you are asked to write regarding the three components above.
If you miss one of them, then your point on Task Response may be cut.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which makes more impact on happiness? Job or social life? [6]

Your writing is good. I enjoy reading it. However, it takes many words. When facing the exam, I think you will finish writing it with an extra time.

A few details it takes here:


]And from this question + a comma here is used to modify the sentence


number of people. Amount should be followed by an uncountable noun.


risen or arisen? I think a debate has arisen is a typical collocation in English. This is my personal view :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: RICH NATION HELP POOR TO ESTABLISH HEALTH, EDUCATION AND TRADE AREAS [5]



some countries. When you use the negated verb(s) or a negative meaning such as decline or refuse, etc., any can be used.


some portions or a portion of.


The impersonal pronoun it can't be used here. You'd better use this which refers to ideas in the text.

Graduate / market development and export; reverse engineering (abstract) [4]


The use of a pronoun to refer to the previous word is good to improve coherence between sentences. However, I couldn't even reveal that "It" here has replaced the appropriate word.

Writing Feedback / IETLT Task I : Spending leisure time by young individuals and couples [9]

A few details it takes for grammatical mechanics.


"Contain" here as a transitive verb, so omit "with"


This phrase is common for IELTS task 2



children become mesmerizing . I am not sure that "mesmerizing" here is an appropriate word.



Save 5 to 10 minutes to check your grammatical mechanics.

Letters / Allure with architecture and structures;Motivation letter for Masters in Germany [6]

Writing Feedback / Where do you want to live? traditional vs modern - 'health environment choice' [21]


I am with Gabriella. I think you should break down your prompt so you know what to do for this.

Perhaps, you may start analyzing the prompt, like this:


This is a topic/opinion. | Focus on the central topic


This is a task that should be accomplished. | Answer the task.

Here, we take a closer look at the part of your intro.


which place do you mean? a traditional house or in a modern apartment building? You'd better go straight to the point as you write for the introductory paragraph. You may state one side, or balanced views. If you have many things crossed out, then the assessors think your writing is not more challenging to read. Remember, a clear and precise point of view.

Writing Feedback / Having a trip with a tour leader definitely helps the one to enjoy his trip in the best way [5]


If you use paired conjunctions, like not only but also in the first of the sentence, generally the inverted sentence is used to stress the unique point of an event. For example, Not only has the tour leader been to those places...

Writing Feedback / check and grade IELTS Task 1 Diagram and table are attached [7]

Hellloooo...,

It is nicer if you could attach the picture(s), so it will make your readers easy to comment your visual writings.

Thanks and Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: kindly check my introductory paragraph (hook, etc) [6]

Thank you for all contributors and our moderator for the thoughtful feedback. I get much help for my writing, even though I present the tiny piece of writing. This is why I am proud to be EF members.

MisterWandering, Pahan, Niesaysi and Dumi, very much thank you :)

- eddies

Writing Feedback / IELTS TAsk 1 : Small fishing village become European tourist resort (Picture) [3]


This sentence shows double verbs.


This sentence needs a verb.


This shows the problem of a subject and a verb agreement.


This sentence needs a verb.


Overall, pay particular attention to the tense use.

Essays / Need to write an effective SOP, anyone give me a hand? [3]

Hellooo,

This forum welcomes you with sincere advice and helpful ideas.
You'd better try to submit your essay. Whatever it is. If you do this, I believe that moderators, contributors and other members will help you by giving thoughtful feedback, etc.

About your question:


, I am not the one who knows at all about SOP. However, I introduce you what Dumi (our moderator) suggests other students about SOP.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-AD. Television has had a greater effect on people's lives than the telephone has. [4]




words suggest moving picture.

Writing Feedback / toefl: Learning with a teacher is more efficient than by myself. [5]

Hellooo,
This writing is good. However, you still have problems with grammatical mechanics.
Here are they:





You also need to pay attention to lower and upper-case letters, here are they:


should the


should this and Knowledge

Letters / Allure with architecture and structures;Motivation letter for Masters in Germany [6]

Ya, ya For this I agree :)

Writing Feedback / Solutions to improve public health. [6]

Hi...,
Your write well. However, you need to pay attention to the question:
Take a closer look at the prompt:


and here is your response.
There is no doubt that the physical fitness keeps one healthy and active. Taking some time out for any sort of outdoor game is a good exercise for human body.But most of the people are failed to take part in sports, it may be due to the busier life style and the distance of the sports Centers from their neighborhood. Increasing the number of sports club in different areas may encourage people to participate in sports in their local sports club ,with out worrying much about time and distance.

The red one is not closely aligned with the prompt (bold face). You are not asked to talk about the reasons why people are failed to get involved in sports. I suggest you omit this sentence

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The Freedom of Creativity [5]


,


This is verbose, using many words. Suggest: omit the word many



what do you want to say here?


If too long, then this lacks for clarity.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MA International Fashion Business: Buying and Merchandise [4]

Hi aruljothi...,


This writing is more than great, but it is good to talk through your experience rather than showing statement. All of us have had some event, some experience and so forth, but no body has perfectly same.

To have this, you have to really dig. Try not to settle for "I need to be fashion buyer" Why do you need to be fashion buyer or to be in this field ? Why does it complete you?

All in all, this is that I only can help you as the reader. Good luck :)

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task : Provide a free mobile phone and free access to find jobs [4]

From Paragraph 1:


This is good as the paraphrased statement from the question, but you should pay particular attention to word usage. Try not to use the same words from the question. If you do, these words will not be accounted as yours. Here you might lose the point.

From the question given, there are some words that can be switched into the alternative ones. One of them is Idleness for Unemployed People; however, you should take a closer look at the meaning. You don't know the right meaning for the ones you want to change, do not use !

From Paragraph 2:
Here I found out a few details dealing with your grammatical mechanics. Here are they:


words suggest every year


words suggest which is/are available


words suggest much information. Information here is uncountable noun.


words suggest company profile. The word order.


It refers to... ?


Can you re-write these sentences?
I know that you state pro opinion in this paragraph, but I don't see so far that you show explicit statement. Using the "I agree", this is the best way to show your opinion, for example. By doing this, you help the examiner mark your writing easily.

From paragraph 3:


words suggest the opponents argue. It is because of the word "opponent here as countable noun.


is this you mean? ---- > they are interested in applying for..
To me, you'd better show the reason why you don't agree with the first paragraph. This will make you easy to construct the reasons.

From paragraph 4:


words suggest In conclusion. Try not to use the complicated phrase(s)


words suggest citizens


for this word, I want you take a closer look at the whole paragraph. You write 6 times for this word as singular one.


words suggest much information. Information here is uncountable noun.



Try to use this pattern for your conclusion:
Concluding signal: In summary, In conclusion..., so forth.
Restate your thesis statement
Give your opinion as warning/ solution

Thanks

Scholarship / Motivation for Erasmus mundus (Project based) [4]

hi jotee


Please submit your writing here now when you've done. There will be many some meaningful feedback, remarkable insights and sincere advice coming to your writing from members. Thanks

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which makes more impact on happiness? Job or social life? [6]

Hi Massiekur


I think it would be nice if you post your writing right here now, whatever it is. A lot of members will see and read it. Then, I believe there will be many some meaningful feedback, remarkable insights and sincere advice coming to your writing. So, you'd better post it. We are expecting for.

Thanks

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult [3]


To me, these two questions to answer should be re-said in your intro.


the sentence is too long. You'd better break them into two. I also see that there are two sentences join together, called a run-on sentence/ fused sentence

Graduate / Personal Statement for MA International Fashion Business: Buying and Merchandise [4]

Your writing is good. I enjoy reading. But I have a few details to discuss, here:


and


As your reader, these sentences are too vague. Could you give one or two specific details (explaining the GREAT THINGS and perspective as a whole) ?

Thanks

Letters / Allure with architecture and structures;Motivation letter for Masters in Germany [6]


So far, this is well-supported and developed. :)


what do you want to try say here? As your reader, the words/phrases of atmosphere.. bla bla are too general, not effective or does not have any meaning any longer. Could you please make them more details? Or you might replace them with different phrases.

Thanks.

Graduate / Personal Statement for a Certificate of Graduate Study in Public Management [2]


the best way? To me, this phrase sounds vague. It is good to give the example(s) of this phrase, by showing or telling your real life story.


This is only a phrase. Writing it as a sentence, I think it is more better.

Undergraduate / Social anxiety and inspiration- Circumstance, obstacle or conflict in life [5]


missing a subject has been detected here.


and


These sentences are not too clear enough to describe what to say.

Writing Feedback / The reasons why friendships sometimes die [6]


the best way to measure your writing is to compare and understand what the IELTS Writing band descriptors (Task 2) say, consisting of Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: BAR CHARTS- Married and Divorced in the USA [8]


Yes, I agree with Dumi. Presenting an overview with main trends (diversities or sameness) should be clear. This will bring you have a great point on Task Achievement. (See IELTS Writing Band Descriptors).


Missing a verb has been detected here.


To me, your writing is good. Pay particular attention to your grammatical mechanics. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / The reasons why friendships sometimes die [6]

Overall, it's good writing, but I have a few details to discuss: