Posts by eddies [Contributor]

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 8, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Arithmetic vs Calculator for student [5]

some benefit or drawbacks

some benefits and drawbacks

Indeed, nowadays counting is not a complicated thing to do, because technology has provided electronic way which is called calculator. While some people believe that calculator could help children's study, is it a helpful thing for a student in the school? I believe there are some benefit or drawbacks which are needed to see further.

This sentence is not give clear meaning as an introduction. You need to improve your thesis statement. if you have a thesis with specific details about your argument, then it will lead your readers for what's ahead.

Thanks

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 8, 2014

Letters / Allure with architecture and structures;Motivation letter for Masters in Germany [6]

As a Civil engineering student I am well skilled with various designing tools

For me, this idea is not well-supported and developed. What I mean is you better give one or two examples explained what you say.

the diversity of prospective students and facilities in the course make it a more dynamic and refreshing atmosphere to let creativity bloom.

this seems vague. Can you say this more specifically?

beside enhancing my knowledge and unlocking my potential, will challenge me to excel myself constantly.

an grammatical issue has been detected here.

Thanks

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 6, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

Very much thank you, MisterWandering. I really appreciate your thoughtful feedback

You had better keep focusing on the given chart/graph as it reflects the result of the study. Also, if you have already given an overview in your essay, the conclusion is not necessary.

I read all your writings posted here. GREAT writings for IELTS :)

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 6, 2014

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Self employment or Work for someone else? [8]

according my own interest.

Word suggest According to. Another acceptable word is Regarding

many people to ask about drawing that customerS like or dislike.

I am freedom when I want to take a vacation

I have (more) freedom to go on vacation.

driving my children to school and/or having dinner with my wife.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 5, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task -2: CHILDREN DOING PAID JOB. SHARE YOUR OPINION. [3]

Part time job is becoming a new trend among the children in many countries. ~~They~~Some children work to ~~get more pocket money, to~~ help their parents ~~to earn more money, for learning or any other reason~~ ...

People who supports the idea of children doing the paid job argue that such jobs give children a valuable work experience. Also, they understand the value of money and start taking the responsibilities.

THEY here show an ambiguous phrase. Which one do you want to replace: people or children?

~~People who supports~~I agree with the idea of children doing the paid job... .

It is not the opinion of people, but your idea. To support this, take a closer look at the task :

WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON THIS?

Furthermore, such jobs stop kids from being couch potatoes and instead make them active. In some circumstances where parents are not earning enough, such paid job can be a great relief.

These sentences did not support your topic sentence. You'd better omit

a group of people ~~which does~~ who do

Which for Things and Who for People

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 5, 2014

Writing Feedback / Is experience better than book? [5]

Hi Sevil...,

If we see the question, you are asked to compare Experience and Book. However, what I have after reading your writing is you don't answer the question.

Let's see:
First Para:

In the university we study a lot of subjects, gain general information and in some separate lessons we get deep knowledge. For example imagine an electrical engineer study electrical circuit's lesson very thorough and becomes an erudite one but are these entire theoretic education make him qualified to find a suitable career?

Second Para:

They are very useful and eye opening for everyone to extract necessary information and save her/his time. For example in solving math questions having a handbook with solution of the questions is very helping but real knowledge will gain when you encounter with questions, try to solve them even you can not and find your strength and weakness.

What is the purpose of those sentences? Do you want to talk about experience or book? I don't think so. I say this because the ideas sticked into are too general. You should narrow your sentences and always focus on the topic.

And this sentence:

I mean by assimilating experiences and theoretical knowledge you can develop your long-lasting skills

This might be you want to say: Experience and book help people develop life skills.

Life is an arena in which every person live, study, learn and build his living.

too many verbs.

can not

should be cannot

The answer is dependent upon experience which is obtained from working, encounter with problems, try to eliminate errors and modify the circuit.

this sentence is too long. Break it down into two sentences.

Although I agree with this expression; knowledge that is...

Although I agree with this expression (a comma) knowledge that is...
Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'possibility of healthy man is higher than woman' - Fitness Membership [3]

in the last year, man could not come as the highest, but it vice versa which got only 1000 and the opponent leaded double.

please re-write this sentence.
To me, you can't even say like this

woman had slight improvement

what you need to do is to add the phrase before woman to show that this sentence explains about chart.
Perhaps, you may write like this: the figures of women as fitness membership showed a substantial improvement.

Thanks

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; "where words leave off music begins" [5]

Hi manugmc,

In this task, you have two questions to answer:
1.

Why do we need music?

you did it.
2.

Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Here, you need more content to discuss this more important than. If you leave this, your writing will have no salient points on the Task Achievement.

attention, memory and ~~and~~ judgement

It helps to improve the mood, many times whenever i feel sad or lonely, listening to music makes me feel comfortable and relax.

Two verbs here. You'd better break this down into two sentences.

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Do you think classmates or colleagues should work on projects in person or by e-mai [5]

HI..,

I enjoy reading your essay. However, these are few points to share:

discussion face to face

face to face here modifies discussion as its noun. so the phrase should be face-to-face discussion

The similar experiment done by other scientistS showS

few possibility

"FEW" as determiner here should be followed by plural noun. Word suggest few possibilities

there are numerous coordination works ~~are~~ required

this sentence contains two verbs (tobe), so omit the last one.

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Using electronic calculators in school [7]

Hi Fardhani Putri,

it can be tolerate for

Word suggests this should be tolerated

From the opposite statement that pupils can use calculators to solve the problem in mathematics.

From the opposite statement (a comma) ~~that~~ pupils can use calculators to solve the problem in mathematics.

several materialS which students cannot solve it

some students avoid arithmetic's and algebra in their subject because ~~it is~~they are not easy to solve with their own (stop here) it needS calculators which have tools and key points to do their task.

they can be diligent to study

they study diligently

they can answer it with the right way.

they can figure out the answers properly

Pay particular attention to grammatical mechanics.

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The chart below shows male and female fitness membership (20 minutes) [3]

Hi tiaDS

women members

and

men members

women and men here should be singular

Based on the bar chart can be seen that fluctuate number of members between female and male.

this is not a sentence. You miss a subject.

from 1970 to 1975 both categories started from approximately 1000 to over 2000 and the number of members inclined dramatically, with about 2000 women members and doubled number of men members with 4000.

Too long. It would be nice if you break it down into two sentences.

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Now we have so many sources of news and information [5]

Hi toefler,

According to research conducted by Carolina University, researchers discovered

A study conducted by Carolina University discovered

the truth vague

truth is a noun, while vague here is an adjective. It should be "an adjective + a noun"

famous website

popularr website

the good side and ~~good~~ events

This makeS

advent

do you mean advancement ?

thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Three decades of the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, between 1980 and 2010. [4]

Hi tiaDS...

Takeru Kobayashi, Japanese, who reigned Nathan's championship for six years running defeated Prior Chestnut, while an American, who ate 68 hot dogs and buns in 15 minutes held Joey Chestnut in 2009

In 2009 Joey Chestnut from US, who consumed 68 hot dogs and burns in 15 minutes, beat the 6-year record holder from Japan, Takeru Kobayashi.

American men became the winner

American men declared the winner of this contest

Japanese males had the golden medal, while in the next year American men hold the medal

No information presenting this phrase:hold the medal

From 2000 onward Japanese males had won, with 53.75 hot dogs and buns eaten which was the first peak.

Could please re-write this ?

Take closer look, between..

take a closer look between...

.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 3, 2014

Undergraduate / Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison [2]

Hi Lora Elle,

It's nicer for attaching the picture of the graph, so we are easier to share some meaningful feedback.

for study

after preposition "FOR", it should be followed by V-ING/Gerund/ Noun Phrase; For studying

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 3, 2014

Writing Feedback / Limit absurd contents from children viewing - filtering the Internet access at home as a solution [9]

Hi Alison

Grammatical Mechanics, Lexical Resource... You did GOOD job!

The question:

The widespread use of the Internet has brought many problems. What do you think are the main problems associated with the use of the web? What solutions can you suggest?

The Introduction:

During the past few decades, the use of the Internet has increased tremendously, changing the way people do things in their everyday lives. Although the use of the web has numerous benefits, it is undeniable that it also brings negative impacts on our society.

I try to make a slight alteration to introduction:

During the past few decades, the use of the Internet has increased tremendously, changing the way people do things in their everyday lives. It is undeniable that this has caused several problems, but it is highly likely that we'll be able to tackle the problems with some measures. .

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 3, 2014

Writing Feedback / distance-learning versus attending college or university [5]

Hi Melisia,

In IELTS task 2, you will be offered one from 4 typical task words :
1. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
2. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
3. Explain this problem and suggest some solutions.
4. ... So sorry, I forget for this one :)

What you are asked to present is To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? I don't see you have dealt with this. Your writing is more likely to go with Discuss both views and give your opinion.

From this ...

My view is that only by combining these two methods together can students acquire more knowledge and skills.

This might be you want to say... My own view is that these two methods are generally true, but not always so.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 3, 2014

Writing Feedback / Japanese tourists travelling abroad and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market [5]

Hi Harry,

using the word FIGURE and FIGURES

According to my knowledge, when talking about number, it is Plural which is usually used. I use FIGURES when presenting an amount, especially an official number. It is because you explain the line graph: Australia's share of Japan's tourist market which the phrase of share or market is often used together/ collocate with FIGURES. However, I sometimes use FIGURE for a particular amount of money: an estimated figure of 200 IDR

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 3, 2014

Graduate / Statement of purpose for MFA in Visual Communication [3]

I got a chance to produce over a 100 corporate and employee engagement videos, end-to-end. I have not had a formal education in film and video production.

a more details look at the bold sentence reveals generality and seems little leaping.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 3, 2014

Writing Feedback / Toefl: The truth issue - Relationships are boon to humans in this world [7]

a relation involving love such as a mother and a child ~~relationsare~~is strengthened by telling white lies,

I have got more and more love on my mother.

... this sentence is too general. What you need is to add supporting sentences, as to be more details.

For example consider married life

For example should be followed by a sentence.

When I was a child (a comma) my mother used to say that I was more beautiful than my siblings.

telling lie

be consistent in using the phrase. your start using the phrase "telling lies" with plural noun, so it would be nice if it is placed as plural noun consecutively.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 3, 2014

Writing Feedback / Japanese tourists travelling abroad and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market [5]

Hi Harry

I have a few points shared:

After this, it rose by approximately a million each year and reach 11 millions in 1990

Since henceforth, the figures showed a parallel increase in the overall numbers, being stood at 11 millions in 1990.

it occupied ~~for~~ 2%

Here occupied is a transitive, so no need to put a preposition.

Despite a slight fall in 1989, the figure grew by...

Despite a slight fall in 1989, the figures showed a gradual rebound...

For the all above, we are expecting for other inputs.

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Research Papers / MLA ENGLISH RESEARCH PAPER- Ramifications of GMO Food in School Lunch [3]

Hello Chelsea Hays

The document is 8 pages in length.

.. If too length, you might post number the pages consecutively.

The introduction and the conclusion need work in order to grab the attention of the reader and finish with a full understanding on what needs to be done in school cafeterias and why.

I couldn't agree more. Introduction is the vital key to lead your readers coming into the content of your writing, and also the concluding paragraph(s) will recall the information stated. So, in my personal view, the idea to post your writings consecutively here is noteworthy.

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

Hi Pahan,

This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So you need to stick to the observations only. It is not prudent to include your conclusions or interpretations while presenting trends.

Yes, I have learnt more now from both You and Dumi's suggestion.

I did write for the conclusions or interpretations-like, because I got a word constraint on the table above which seems rather odd compared with common tables/graphs, but now I prefer not to do anymore.

Well, I say thank you. Good Insights :)

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA [6]

Aha, I see now

the Overview is an outline of the main and most obvious trends

I am sure, for this there will be notable feature on my next writings :)

I am sorry if my comments did upset your confidence

no need to say sorry. You are in the right path. I would be grateful if I have more detail feedback from you, as to enhance my writings.

Thank you, Dumi

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

Hi Dumi...,

Very much Thank you, Dumi. I will take as the consideration

I am supposed to attend lots of threads and struggle with time for that :D )

I fully appreciate your work for helping others. Next time, I hope I can do what you do now :D

These comments are aimed at providing you some insights for further improvement.

... I am glad to hear this sentence from you, directly. I accept this to empower my better improvement.

and this

You write very well already :)

thank you for the compliment :)

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Undergraduate / Nursing Admissions Essay-How will becoming a nurse help you to make a difference in lives? [4]

Hi...

Well, as you say about this

grammar checks

, I will try it, but I want you to know that I am not too good at it.

As a nurse I would have an opportunity to have a direct impact on my patients-not only supporting their physical body with my knowledge, but more importantly their mental an emotional health.

As a nurse (a comma) I would have an opportunity to ~~have~~achieve a direct impact on my patients-not only supporting their physical body with my knowledge, but also more importantly into their ~~mental an emotional health~~emotional mental health

Nursing is based off interactions between the nurse and patient When I become a nurse my chief priority would be facilitating an interaction that is both practical and considerate for the patient.

Nursing is based ~~off~~on interactions between the nurse and patient (a period) When I become a nurse (a comma) my chief priority would be facilitating an interaction that is both practical and considerate for the patientS .

I would be able to not only have a direct relationship and impact with my patient, but I would know that my actions would have an ripple effect.

I would be able to not only have a direct relationship and impact with my patient, but also~~I would~~ know that my actions would have an ripple effect.

Not only will I be helping a patient become healthy and begin recovery, but I would help that patient spend time with their family, and rejoin their community

Not only will I be helping ~~a patient~~patients become healthy and begin recovery, but also I would help that patientS spend time with their family, and rejoin their community.

I think I could simply share what I have seen from above. And the rest of them, expecting for other readers is good idea :)

Thanks

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA [6]

Hi Dumi :)

Thanks for the some feedback

For this

your overview statement and there you should not have any specific data

... I would like to emphasize the word of any specific data. Do you mean it is a group of numbers, such as

20 times for this eating

and

record nine-time win.

?

To tell you the truth, I don't know what the data are . According to my knowledge, the data in the visual writings consist of per cent / percentage. Let's say: 90 % / 90 per cent or the percentage of bla... bla... bla...

Please kindly need to your input. It is because the examination is around the corner :)

Thanks again.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

Hi Dumi...

First of all, I'd like to say thank you for some meaningful feedback.

For this

Give more emphasis to the chart;

the reason I did not place emphasis on the chart is the word of

a Canadian study.

coming as a new phrase for me since I have worked with sample visual writings. I mean this phrase seems a little peculiar if compared to the common topic ever seen. So, I think the question maker tries to switch the focus away from the chart/graph/table to this phrase, and here is the result. But, you have changed my mind to tightly hold the chart

Last but not least, what I see from all commentaries you have given me is to mostly focus on an introduction and/or an overview. So, from this, can I conclude that the bodies of the paragraph and grammatical mechanics are getting better/ OK ?

For all above, thanks again :)

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 2, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

Hello...

Good work but few mistakes are there ...

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it.
I will learn more as to fix the mistakes, but please kindly show me which part of this visual writing that should have evaluated.

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study.

Answer:

A study conducted by a Canadian presented in the chart above provides the information about the sleep patterns of people in five different jobs.

Overall, both students and business executives sleep in consecutive hours, while truck drivers, full-time mothers and doctors have broken sleep schedules.

According to the data, truck drivers tend to spend 6-hour sleep, but they have non-consecutive sleep schedules, between 7 and 10 a.m. and another from 4 to 7 p.m. However, if compared with doctors who have sleep deprivation, the non-consecutive pattern of sleep for full-time mothers with sleeping total of around 8 hours gives them two hours for nap in the afternoon.

It can be seen from the data doctors having the emergency calls from the patients in the middle of night and full-time mothers who have babies causing the disturbance to them are highly likely to lay awake half the night. However, the data, again, show sleeping like a log happens to students and business executives. Retiring to bed at 11-12 p.m. and getting up two hours earlier than students who typically sleep for a consecutive 8-hour period each night, from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. make the business executive spend only 6 hours at bed, perhaps the schedule for work needing them to wake up around 5-6 a.m.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / Need evaluation on my 4 latest essays from Writing Task [6]

hi there...

As you give the link, I have tried to click it, but I couldn't get into it. It would be grateful if you could attach the pict rather than the link. So, we see what the visual writing shows about.

I have notice a few details

the amount of the undergraduates

.. "amount of" should be followed by uncountable noun.

from 2010 to 2012.

... a period of two years, from 2010 to 2012.

The bar chart illustrates the amount of the undergraduates of Computer Science in a faculty of United Kingdom from 2010 to 2012.

The data provide information about the a group of students categorized by gender majoring in Computer Science at a UK university during a period of two years, from 2010 to 2012.

IELTS visual writing asks you put an overview .

This pattern can be used to construct your writing:
Introduction ---> Overview ---> Body 1 ---> Body 2
or
Introduction ---> Body 1 ---> Body 2 ---> Overview

Thanks

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Letter to a friend in an English speaking country [8]

Hi Karisha...

I tried to illustrate the "area' as the particular part of the country that I want to visit, but you came to me then showed the word of Place which is more suitable for a Holiday topic. I think it, "place", is good idea, Places replaces the word Areas is the right choice. Thank you very much, Karisha :)

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Letter to a friend in an English speaking country [8]

Hi Cl0ark0...,

Woooww... I couldn't say anything than Big Thanks for the alteration in my letter . You have given me more than I expected. To me, writing a letter beats comparison with other writings. It is because the use of good phrases should be appropriate for the reader to understand the points. I learn a lot from you. Again, thank you. :)

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Some people prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. [5]

Hi there...,

You are good at writing. I like the way you compose the idea. However, I have a few details to share. Here are they:

low level work

... The word "low' here is an adjective which modifies the word "Level". I think you'd better put a hyphen in between low and level. Low-level work

the overall income which is gained in ...

If you put "gain(ed)" here as a verb/ an adjective, then it should be followed by Preposition "from". However, the word of "gain" as a noun will work harmoniously together with in/from/for

Third, will be a business which starts its

... this phrase should be turned into a sentence, so you need to put a subject before will be

I also notice slight problems in spellings and punctuation marks, but overall this writing has showed a good composition :)

Thanks.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA [6]

The graph below presents the information about Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA.

Answer:

The bar graph shows Nathan's hot dog eating contest which is held in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA during 30 years, between 1980 and 2010.

Overall, there are four countries: US, Japan, Mexico and Germany scoring for winners. In this case, American males have won 20 times for this eating contest, while Japanese males only record nine-time win.

To begin with, from 1980 to 1982 we can see that American males had won the contest, with approximately 9 to 10 hot dogs and buns eaten. After no breaking records since 2 years, the figures of American contestants showing the overall growth in numbers of hot dogs and burns eaten had rebounded on the podium for 10 years, between 1985 and 1995. By comparison with the previous figures in 1999, American males had almost fourfold proportion of eating this meal.

A Japanese, Takeru Kobayashi who reigned Nathan's championship for six years running, was defeated by Joey Chesnut, an American, who was highly likely to eat 68 hot dogs and buns in 15 minutes in 2009. This was the top notch ever during the eating contest. However, between 1983 and 1984 Birgit Felden, a German female, consuming 19.5 hot dogs and a Mexican, who only ate almost 9 hot dogs had showed that this competition was open to all contestants from different countries.

eddies [Contributor]

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Letter to a friend in an English speaking country [8]

hi there..., I have an aim to send this letter to my friend who lives abroad. I need some feedback before I bring it to the post office :)

You are planning to stay with a friend in an English speaking country. You are writing to
your friend to find out some additional information. In your letter ask the following
questions:
- How long should you plan to stay for
- What you should bring with you
- What you would like to do there
There is no need to include names and addresses.

Answer:

Hi Anya,

I hope you are OK right there. I am writing to inform you about my planned trip to come and stay to your place. Indeed, with this letter, I want to make sure a few details that you and I should concern before this trip is taken, so both you and I know what we should have been done.

Firstly, due largely to having a 6-month school holiday, starting from 1st April to 31st October 2014, I have a plan to stay for 5 months. We have been talking about this plan, but I should re-inform you because there is a change for the schedule, from 10 months to 5 months, regarding the school holiday I should have got.

Secondly, is there any recommendation stuff, like a special blanket or sweater that I should bring? I notice that soon there will be winter, so it could be this stuff will help me next if I have to face the condition which is different from the place I used to live. What about the medicine? Is it OK if I bring my medicine? As you know I have a problem with my cough, my doctor suggests me to take this medicine every day. But, I think I will not have this medicine, if there is a drug store which is available me to have this kind of medicine in your area.

Lastly, after talking on the phone, and doing some video calls, we have talked about some areas that I would like to visit. I am really interested in visiting these areas, then ready for making short documentary English films . Have you contacted them and booked the accommodation? I hope so.

Anyway, this is the end of the letter. I am looking forward to seeing you, soon.

Bises,

eddies [Contributor]

Jan 26, 2014

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for Nurse Practitioner Program Application [2]

hi...,

To me, you have answered all questions with sufficient explanation, and the way you use grammatical mechanics is in the advanced level. However,

In turn I can then pass on my knowledge

there are some points that should be considered regarding the punctuation marks. Here are they:

When it came time to apply for university I had difficulty picking which field of health care I wished to dedicate myself to.

... I think there should be a comma, between a clause and a sentence. Here is it: When it came time to apply for university [ a comma] I had difficulty picking which field of health care I wished to dedicate myself to.

When I was in my community health and long term care placements during my first two years of Western I was asking myself, "How can anyone wish to work in these areas?"

... When I was in my community health and long term care placements during my first two years of Western [ a comma] I was asking myself, "How can anyone wish to work in these areas?"

To be successful as a nurse practitioner I need to be able to be a strong leade...r

... To be successful as a nurse practitioner [a comma] I need to be able to be a strong leader..

a more in depth plan

... a more in-depth plan

Those are the points that I could reveal from your writings, while expecting for the next readers' inputs. Thanks.

- eddy

eddies [Contributor]

Jan 23, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELST Task 2: Should people be exempted from taxes? [8]

I really need to learn how to make my sentence more formal and logical. Could you give me suggestion?

The best way to learn what you need above is to read best sample answers of IELTS.

This site, take one example, provides you to study writings. Just like you, I use this site, because I'm on a journey to get better, hopefully.

Learning to read, Learning to write.
Read..., re-read, write, read, then write..., and so on.

thanks,

eddies [Contributor]

Jan 23, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 [6]

Hi Dumi...,

Very good overview :)

----> I did it. Once I submitted my previous writing, you came to it in order to show some points that should be polished related to the overview. Then, I promised I'd show in the next. Above, that's the result. Thank you Dumi.

It's good to have about two paragraphs to discuss the details of the graphs.

...> Ah, that's that I need, but I don't know yet how to break it down into 2 paragraphs. No worries, I'll try it then.

For this notice, thanks for you, Dumi and Pahan.

- eddy

eddies [Contributor]

Jan 23, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 [6]

Hey Misterwandering.. I'glad you come to my writing. Well, I appreciate the notes you'given me above, then I'd like to say thank you.

Then, about this point ----- >

make your introduction too complicated.

I couldn't agree more. I was thinking of this, when the first time I brainstormed, but you know... I switched into "the complicated one", it is because I wanted to try whether this grammar/writing style is good enough to attract the readers' attention or not.

lucky me... , in the end, you came and highlighted some points about this, so I decide to think of twice if I want to deal with the report writing. Again, thanks.

Once again... I;ve read your IELTS writings in one of IELTS learning centres out there, then I'd really really want to say: Two Thumbs for all works you did. You give a hand for other learners.

- eddy

eddies [Contributor]

Jan 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / TECHNOLOGY; PROBLEM AFFECTING MY COMMUNITY [6]

Write about a problem currently affecting your community . If it werewithin your abilities, how would YOU work to solve this problem

There are 3 points you should consider from the prompt above.

Technology is the problem that affected round the world and our community too , technology being a part of modern life is a controversial one

----------> What kind of Technology do you mean here? . I think it is not too clear.

It has advantages and disadvantages but there are much more advantages.

--------> The question does't ask you about the advantages. What I mean here is you don't have to compare the advantages and disadvantages

People are getting more estranged . Families do not communicate as much as they should and do not have time for their children . Lot of people spend too much time on Internet,playing games, watching television, sending messages . They are not spending time with each other and that cause to create uncerful community and losing warm . realashinship , is not common anymore to see children playing outside , in front of their houses or at playgrounds. They are spending most of their free time on Internet and that will get much worse and our future generation will be less active and get out of socialization and love circle , and they cant not depend on their selves and enjoy the life they are in and that will badly affect on their health .if we use it carefuly it can not take place of traditional skills and ways of life totally however for every thing that we want to change or get better we have to start on ourself We just have to try to find a way to make the balance between technology an human interaction

--------> Too many problems you mention out there. You'd better stick one problem, then discuss how YOU work to SOLVE. It is the one that the prompts wants you to answer.

Thanks.