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Posts by eddies [Contributor]
Name: Eddy Suaib, an EssayForum Contributor & IELTS Teacher
Joined: Jan 13, 2014
Last Post: Dec 15, 2019
Threads: 25
Posts: 1,208  
Likes: 476
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri

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eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 [6]

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

Given is the line graph presenting the overall growth in ageing population during a period of 100 years. The expected percentages are taken from three different countries between 1940 and 2040.

Overall, the percentages of ageing population from two Western countries has risen steadily in ten decades. In any case, this proportion declined slightly in Japan, but will be gradual rebound from 2000 onwards.

From the graph, we can see the number of elderly people in Japan stood at 5%. After declining to almost 3% in 1960, this trend remained reasonably steady, then was gradual rebound to the same figure in 1940. Between 2030 to 2040, the increase in this proportion will be more dramatically.

A closer look at the data reveals that the numbers of ageing population in the two Western countries have no significant difference. Standing at approximately 9 % in 1940, the percentage of older population in USA increased steadily to 10 % in the next ten years, then followed by the proportion of Swedish population aged 65 or more rose from 6 to 8 percent. Both figures, after a short peak in the forth decade, decreased gradually. The percentage of older population in USA had remained steady in 14%, while this figure in Sweden had broken a record, peaking at 20% in 2010 but falling again in the ninth decade. The proportion of ageing population in USA and Sweden will be predicted to rise dramatically until 2040.




eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELST Task 2: Should people be exempted from taxes? [8]

Hi...,

To me, the second paragraph is well developed, but lacking in the third paragraph. You should make it clear, as to answer the question

what extent do you agree

Then, I have some points to share... Here are:

others agree that it is everyone's responsibility to pay tax

others agree that tax is levied from everyone

... the budgets of national army and governmental system come from tax and these public services are provided to the people.

... the total levied taxes are used as budgeting of state apparatus and allocated to public services

... paying tax raises the awareness of one's responsibility for the nation

... imposing the precise amount of the tax liability will place responsibility for the citizens

they arevaluable citizens

they are upstanding citizens

Thanks.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the chart in global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video [6]

Wooow... Dumi. You show me more than I expect. Oya, to tell you the truth, timing is the biggest problem I face now. I spent 35 minutes for this writing. For the suggestion, again I say thank you very much.

Anyway may I ask a question?
"What do you think if I write for IELTS report essay with more than 200 words. Let's say 300-350 words, as to explain more details in the bodies of paragraph. The aim is to make the report more clearly for the readers.

I'll look forward to hearing from you,

Thanks.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts - changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of fast food [5]

Thanks Pahan.

One thing I highlight from IELTS report writing after googling is to construct a 150-word essay. Concerning the two graphs above, I reveal some data that needs more discussion in details. I was thinking of

Follow this structure;

you have shown, but the limitation of the words warns me to write concisely. As a result, skipping the

Give an overview

is the way I did, while I have stocked this sentence

Overall, there are 3 types of fast food that Britons are keen on eating during 20 years, from 1970 to 1990.

as my conclusion. To me, a conclusion equates with an overview, does it? If the answer says "yes", then I would prefer uplift my concluding paragraph to an overview as the second paragraph after the introduction. But, if it the answer says the contrary, which "pattern" that I should use; a report writing with an overview or conclusion?

I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Again, thanks Pahan.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts - changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of fast food [5]

The chart below shows the amount of money per week spent on fast foods in Britain. The graph shows the trends in consumption of fast foods. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The bar chart shows the changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of fast food, while the line graph presents the fast-food consumption during a period of 20 years, between 1970 and 1990.

According to the data, high earners are more likely to consume Hamburgers. Average earners also ate this previous food, while there was an increase of 25-pence spending for eating more Fish & Chips. In the case of low earners, Pizza came as favorable one, which was 8 pence of expenditure, but this spending was more twice smaller than Fish & Chips which were slightly larger than Hamburgers in almost 15 pence per week.

A more detailed look at the line graph shows both Hamburgers and Pizza rose steadily to 300 grammes during a 15-year period, while Fish & Chips declined slightly from 300 to nearly 200 grammes. After 1985 onwards, Hamburger continuously increased over 500 grammes, while Pizza had almost 300 grammes. In contrast to Hamburgers and Pizza rising remarkably, Fish & Chips remained reasonably steady, and continued to increase slightly over 200 grammes towards the end of the year.

Overall, there are 3 types of fast food that Britons are keen on eating during 20 years, from 1970 to 1990.




eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 21, 2014
Undergraduate / Study Objectives - Brazilian project : Mechanical Engineer [3]

Hi...

You may start writing what plan to study is, followed by the explanation about what skills you aim to enhance, then what plans and how you deal with the knowledge and skills you have got regarding yourself and community you involve. Write it concisely; try to attract your readers' attention by showing your prophetic dreams and hopes for the issue.

I think I just could share this. Let's wait and see for the next sharing from others.

Good Luck,

Thanks.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 21, 2014
Letters / LETTER TO A COUSIN; Directed writing O levels English [6]

hi...,

here we go...

you being my close cousin and friend understands me

What if you change into: you are my close cousin and friend, as well, who understand me...

I think I just could share a few corrections, while expecting for the next from others.

good luck
Thanks
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: A survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. [4]

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

Answer:

The given bar chart presents the findings of a research examining the two different age groups of workers and the measurement of job performance indicators. The data is taken from a hiring and training department at a leading company.

In general, it can be seen from the chart the factors of respecting from colleagues and competent boss influence job performance for old workers, while the young ones seem more likely to have contributory factors.

Turning to the details, workers aged 18-30 and 45-60 year old have an almost sizable proportion of team spirit and work environment, with approximately 50-and-30 per cent. In the case of job satisfaction and money, these two factors area likely to influence the young workers with a slight difference than that of old workers, which the comparison of job satisfaction is 50 and 49% and which of money is 70 and 69% of both groups.

A more detailed look at the data shows that the factors of working environment and personal development affecting young workers estimate more double proportion, nearly 96 vs 40 per cent, while promotion prospects shows more than three times of percentages of old workers, with 25 vs 80 per cent. However, the competent boss could influence more slightly in percentage of workers aged 45-60. Again, the old workers have more respect to their co-workers than that of workers who have young age.

Clearly, there are 10 factors which can affect job performance, but these factors cannot work closely together on both groups of workers.




eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 20, 2014
Grammar, Usage / Aunt Ina is an old and weak woman who lives alone! [6]

Hi...,

I think you need more sentences to express your ideas.

After reading your writing, I have a pattern to share:

...my sisters, Aunt Ina and I will play chess. In the evening, we will...

... Aunt Ina, my sister and I will play chess. Then, we will... in the evening.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Residents of Germany have allocated less money amongst the four European countries [5]

The chart below shows the amount spent on six consumer goods in four European countries. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below

The given chart shows the fact about 4 European countries: Britain, France, Italy, and Germany spending the amount of money for six customer goods, namely photographic film, toys, CDs, perfumes, tennis racquets and personal stereos in thousand pounds sterling.

Not surprisingly, the four European countries have spent the highest money of the customer goods in photographic film and toys, although these countries reach troughs at tennis racquets and personal stereos. Then, the expenses of CDs and perfumes were ranked third and forth.

It can be observed that the expenses of Britain in all categories are between 153 and 172 thousand. France has had the same as expenses of toys and CDs, with 160 thousand, but has hit a low at money spending, with 145 thousand pounds sterling in perfumes and tennis racquets, although this country rebounds gradually to 148 thousand in personal stereos.

Also, in the same case of Italy, the expenses of CDs, perfumes, tennis and personal stereos have been counted out 150 and 153 thousand. Then again, by comparison with the four customer goods, both photographic film and toys have been turned into the highest ones in 156-158 thousand, mainly attributed to Italy. Meanwhile, the fluctuation of money spending on all categories, ranging from 145 and 150 thousand, is recorded from Germany.

All in all, if we analyze the chart we can see that the residents of Germany have allocated less money amongst the four European countries, while the Britons rank first in spending money in all customer goods.




eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Graduate / 'THRIVE Project' - Masters of Public Health Personal Statement [3]

Hi,

Your writing is good, but I have one point that I will share. Here is:

I have not only been interested in specifically biological determinants of health but also the intertwining of the biological, psychological, and social approaches

The use of parallel conjunction, like Not only... But also should be automatically equated with the same patterns. In this case, I see your writing need altering slightly by following this:"I have been interested in not only specifically biological determinants of health but also the intertwining of the biological, psychological, and social approaches "
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the average GDP growth [4]

Thanks Dumi. You have spent your time to mark my writing and gave me some notable feedback and the suggestion for "handled time". I really appreciate it. Well, as suggested, I try to beat the time, even though I am the new one dealing with this report writing, as to prepare my IELTS exam.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Undergraduate / My parents are both from the Dominican Republic; Rutgers - Diversity, multicultural [4]

What are we going to read if you don't write?

For the introductory paragraph, this pattern could be followed:
- Introduction paragraph by showing the general idea(s) related to Diversity and Multicultural.
- Then followed by the thesis statement, which shows your claim on the issue derived from analytical readings of the texts.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the chart in global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video [6]

The chart below gives information about global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information.

Answer:
The given bar chart shows the number of global products: games software, DVD/Video and CDs sold during a particular period of time, from 2000 to 2003.

According to the chart, the sales of games software rose gradually during the three years. Meanwhile, in the case of the DVD/Video, this figure had more double sales than that of games software. However, there was a slight decrease of sold CDs from 2000 onwards.

A more detailed look at the data presents, from 2000 to 2001 the sales of games software increased slightly with approximately 12-to-14 billion dollars, continued to nearly 20 billion dollars in the end of the year. By comparison with the sold DVD/video peaking at 30 billion dollars in 2003, this product had a low of the sales.

Looking backward 2003-2000, the global products of DVD/video started point in 20 billion dollars of the total sales, then it had been significantly better during the following years, with approximately 21-and-27 billion dollars. On the other hand, after a short peak of the sold CDs, with 34 billion dollars, this global product was a gradual slight drop in 2001 and 2002, then continued to a low of only 31 billion dollars in the end of the period.

Clearly, the numbers of global sales for games software and DVD/video rose steadily, while the sales of CDs showed the reverse.




eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Undergraduate / People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously; UF essay [3]

Hi,

Some notes I found after reading this writing:

I have been experience countless things in my life so far, some are not even worth mentioning, but some can literally change my life, which is happened two and a half years ago when my parents decided to moved to America from China, the transition is tremendous, from the other side of the earth and non-English speaking country come here start a new life.

What if you break it down into 2 sentences? If you have a long sentence, then it leads your reader(s) spend time to catch what it tells about

basically communication

Basic communication
.

which is happened

which happened

to moved to America from China

to move from America to China

helped me found the class room locations.

guide me to the classroom location

Only I know

Only do I know --- > the inverted sentence

students need pass

students need to pass

of learn

of learning

This experiences

The experience

Even thought

even though

practice make perfect

practice makes perfect

what they saying

what they are saying / what they say

I spent on extra work and learning English

I spent an extra work to learn/learing English
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Essays / what are the point to be noted while writing an essay ? [2]

Hi,
I am here to inform you that I am not the one who is keen on writing, but I have to.
I start writing when I don't want, I start writing when I want...
This makes me to get used to doing it, then become my daily activity, Hopefully.

As people say, "Learning to read, Learning to write". The success formula of writing an essay is no formula. It's just details. Read more, Write, Read, Write more , Write and Write more...

There are a lot of sample essays out there, choose one, then read it. Like writing, there are a lot of things that can be composed into ideas, absorb then write.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL' Library or Sport , Which one do you think more important ? [3]

Hi...,

TOEFL iBT writing task 2 is of 300 words long. This means if compared to writing above, you still need more works.

It is because the question asks you to show a preference, I think you'd better make the bodies of the paragraph like this:

One paragraph which explains

Library

, constructed under Topic sentence --- > Example --- > Discussion --- > Conclusion

One paragraph which explains

Sport

, constructed under Topic sentence --- > Example --- > Discussion --- > Conclusion

One paragraph demonstrating your personal preference (this may be an additional paragraph, if you wish)

Thank you.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the average GDP growth [4]

The graph below shows the average growth in domestic products in wealthy countries, countries that have adopted a global approach to business and countries that have not.

Answer:

The given bar chart shows the average GDP growth per decade for wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers over a period of 40 years.

According to the data, after a ten-year period of the average GDP growth for wealthy countries, the figure decreased steadily from the 1970s to 90s, while globalisers showed the reserve during 40 years. Meanwhile, non-globalisers were a period of fluctuation for the annual GDP growth over 4 decades.

A closer look at the data reveals that the highest percentage of the GDP growth was recorded from wealthy countries with 4.8% per annum. However, this trend fell to 3% per year between 1970s and 90s. Then, it continued falling to a low of two per cent at the end of this period. Secondly, in the 1960s the average GDP growth for globalisers was approximately 1.5 per cent, and then doubled in the 1970s, with nearly 3%. This figure continued to rise in the 1980s with 3.3% of the GDP growth, not leveling off until the 1990s, which had led the GDP figures for the wealthy countries. Lastly, non-globalisers were a slight increase in the first two decades, with 2.3-to-3.1 per cent. By the 1980s this figure decreased dramatically, just less than 1%, although it recovered slightly towards the end of the year, with 1.3% of the GDP growth.

Clearly, the average GDP growth from 3 different types of countries had changed considerably during 4 decades.




eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / Cities that you want to visit - London, Rome, Paris, New York, Los Angeles, & Washington [6]

Hi,

Here is what I have after reading your writing.

London gardens and parks are wonderful, they are called the lungs of the city

I think it is better to write like this: London gardens and parks, called the lungs of the city, are wonderful.

It is well known that Hyde Park is the greatest people's park in Europe

What about this one? It is the Hyde Park which is known as the greatest people's park in Europe.

Thanks.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'when the world was created, music was born'; Traditional vs International music [5]

Hi myth,

I think you should add more content for

Why do we need music?

It is because the prompt asks you to answer the two questions, so I think you should clearly compose the bodies of the paragraph into:

- One paragraph which explains the reason

Why do we need music?

- One paragraph which compares

the traditional music of a country more important than the International music

then show a preference for this.

Thanks.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: the advantages and disadvantages living in a small village [4]

In the past, most people lived in small villages where everyone knew everyone else. Nowadays, most people live in large cities where they only know a few people in their area. What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of living in small community?

Until today, the extraordinary commune's portrayal has happened in small villages, where some people spent their childhood. However, due largely to the way people life turning into modern one, they tend to move to large cities. As a result, life changing affects people changing. In this essay, I would reveal the merits and demerits of living in a small village. My inclination is argued further.

To begin with, some villagers live and work together in rice field during the day. Inevitably, this activity has raised closed social interaction among them. Take one example, they might greet and talk to one another for several minutes, even in being hurry at work, or help others construct their houses, known as social work. This portrayal of life encourages more tolerance among people rather than who living in the big cities.

Apparently, the downside of living in a small village is people cant even take chances to study-and-work best and have healthy life. This is surely authentic, because villages are identical with poor and dull education, healthcare and infrastructures. Again, as a result of having deteriorated neighborhood, it would attract bad effects in daily mood and well-being. For example, the idleness condition has raised the number of people who gain stressful year by year. The only way some people ever tend to move to big cities as to reveal a better life.

Ultimately, a small village as a good place to live makes people more enjoyable doing their daily activity with others rather than in a big city. However, spending whole lifetime in this place would raise many disadvantages. Where possible, local governments should pay particular attention to notice supra-and-infrastructure improvement for small villages.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: farming methods [7]

Hi,

To me, I 've read your writing. Then, I just have some collocation corrected below:

it sometimes do harm

It sometimes means harm

agricultural methods

agricultural implement

do farm

establish farm

concern about these development

concern in the development
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The brief summary of healthcare and life expectancy [3]

The chart and table below give information about healthcare resources and life expectancy in different countries.

Answer:

The two given charts show the facts regarding to health and medical care in different countries.

Let's look at the first chart which the number of sharing hospital beds is 14 thousand from Japan. As seen, Germany and Netherlands come second and third in the next allocation, with at 8 and nearly 5 thousand beds of population. While Australia has a slight point below the Netherlands, this country leads UK, Canada, Spain and USA which supply the lowest quantities of hospital beds, at around 4 per thousand.

At the second chart, official governments of different countries show the amount of money spent. In this section, the Dutch government come the highest one of $3,48 grant, which leads US and Japan spending $6,719 and $2,581 of fund programme. However, Japanese uplifts the best grade point average in 83 years of life expectancy rather than Dutch with 80 years and 78 years of American people.

Clearly, by comparison with the other countries, Japan spending less money to its citizens as fund programme for medical and healthcare provides more beds for patients and life expectancy.




eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Compulsory military service for men and women [8]

Hi Miri,

Here do I reveal from the introduction you've composed

I don't agree with this view because

While this is surely authentic, I don't agree with this view because

Anyway, I think you should stick thoroughly the topic given, as to know whether it is "(dis) agree'; (dis) advantages: discussion essay or not. As a result, it makes your readers gain the points from your writing.

Good Luck :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / music can nurse and improve feeling; The traditional vs international music [3]

Hi..,

According to research that music can improve feeling and cure diseases...

What if you make it like this ---- >Admittedly, music is good to shake feelings. For example, in everyday life people promote relaxation while listening to music. Also, it can work together with medical care for pregnant women. So, does music come to change the way people life?
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; government´control on water´using. [11]

Hi,..

After I read your writing, then the commentary on your board has been raised, like you did in my previous post.

Here we go:

will certainly benefited.

If I were you, I'd like to write will be obviously benefited

Anyway, it is a good composition I've ever read.

Good luck !
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Summarize a map of the city of Brandfield [4]

Hi znack,

You cannot write like this,S2 is not a thing,it is a place,area,location,site. Thus,it should be the location for shopping centre (S2) is situated in the resident area

Well, I thought I could refer S2/S1 to 'area', 'location' and so forth, but S2/S1 isn't appropriate for this time. Thank you

.

So, can we conclude that the S1 has no bargains for a better spot?
Never use question sentences in task 1. It is not an essay!

I tried to use this kind of style "question sentences" after reading one of IELTS books, but after you say it isn't suitable for this report. Then, I'd do what you've shown me for my next writing.

Thanks again, znack.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Summarize a map of the city of Brandfield [4]

Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The ongoing development of a new shopping centre in the two locations of Brandfield city appears in the map.

As it can be seen from the map, S2 is surrounded by a small resident area. Also, in the north and south of its map, there are two rust belt cities. The busy main road from Cransdon to Bransdon and vice versa is linked to the center of town, where S2 is sited in. This area might be pointed as the best location of a new shopping centre, perhaps reflecting how important it is to local population who live around there. So, can we conclude that the S1 has no bargains for a better spot?

Presumably, due to S1 located in countryside between the main road and the railway to Hindon, there is a high probability that S1 would show a great merit. People from the town centre and the other outskirts could use train and car to this area, while the use of transportation in the area of S2 is not allowed.

In the end, the development of a new shopping mall in the two proposed sites has raised pros and cons amongst developers in the city of Brandfield.

P.S. This is my first writing. I'm welcoming for everyone who wants to share ideas and comments. Please kindly give me some advice to improve my writing. Thanks in advance.





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