Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Children's engagement in paid work. Right or wrong? [11]

Topic:In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinion on this?

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Apart from those who are born with silver spoons in their mouth, there are many children who commit to paid jobs at an early age. While some people hold firmly to the belief that it is to the benefit of the children as they accumulate experience and lifetime lessons throughout working process, I profoundly disagree with this fact for specific reasons.

One can not argue certain advantages that early working brings about. By getting access to money through hard work, children will soon develop their materialistic appreciation, hence they will know how to pay properly. For example, they will refrain from buying, or asking parents, to buy such expensive toys or clothes. Moreover, being exposed to competitive environment, youngsters are provided with a golden opportunity to extend social relationships as well as being far more mature than those of the same age.

Nevertheless, letting or forcing children to work should be considered as morally wrong. Apparently, children deserve a peaceful childhood; a day consists of studying, playing with friends, eating and sleeping. Under no circumstances, personally, are children allowed to make a living, which will exert severe pressure as well as hinder their physical developments and scholastic performances.

Moreover, children are susceptible to social danger due to their vulnerability. They might get kidnapped, prosituted or cruelly punished during work. Those brutality may ingrain traumatic obsessions in their mind as they grow up.

All in all, working under payment has its pros and cons. However, from my personal view, it may yield more negative than positive results on children, which indicates that they should postphone working for cash until fully mature.

Hi everyone! Can you review, and rate (if possible) this essay for me? Welcome all comments and suggests :) Thanks a lot :D

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] University education restriction. Just for best students? Agree or not? [2]

Topic: University education should be restricted to the very besst academic students, rather than being available to a large proportion of young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Universtiy is an entrance to life. It equips us with a package of wisdom and virtue to succeed. It is the importance of university that raises a question whether students with best scholastic performance deserve university study or just any young wishful people. Both sides are to be discussed before a conclusion is reached.

To begin with, outstanding academic students are eligible for university due to their intellectual advantage. To be precise, such abstract or complicated informatin, easily absorbed by those students, may prove as a matter of pressure for those who lack equivalent skills. Besides, it is undeniable that one deserves what he has done. University is like a gift presented to those who have gone to great length to attain.

However, university is not just about academic studies but also a place to nurture artistic talent and develop soft skills. Therefore, it should be up for grabs for a majority of young people, who wish to pursue their passion as well as develop comprehensively.

What is more, there is a tendency for social vices to rise if university is to be restricted to only the best people. Apart from the disheartened ones, many devoiding of neccessary preparations are likely to be recipes for failure when applying for jobs, mostly the white-collar ones.

In conclusion, university restriction has both pros and cons. In my opinion, it will yield more negative results than positive ones. That's why it should be made available for a wide range of learners.

Could you guys review my essay? I feel this one is not as good as the previous. If able, will you please replace some of the repeated words in my essay: "university", "skills", "students"

"may prove as a matter of pressure for those who lack equivalent skills" how can you rephrase this, cuz I find it a little not academic ??

Thank you guys a lot!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Prevention is better than cure. Agree or not? 'materialistic diversion' [9]

Topic: Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.
To what extent do you agree or disagreee with this statement?

There has always been a saying in medicine: "Prevention is better than cure". This statement has raised a question whether the government should allocate a large sum out of the national health budget to educating and phasing in health-protected measures. In my opinion, this plan should be put into practice for the two reasons mentioned accordingly.

No one can argue the importance to include health lessons in school programmes, especially at primary level, in the hope of raising people's awareness. Children should be taught about balanced diets, nutritious food as well as harmful ones, thereby they will have a fundamental grasp of how to lead a healthy lifestyle. What is more, it is much easier for people at early ages to form a habit of, for instance, not consuming too much fast food, over-fried food or intoxicants.

In addition, it will be of economic benefit to pre-empt certain kinds of diseases. Needless to say, such unpreventable illnesses as cancer or HIV will cost the victim a fortune, not to cure, but to lengthen his longevity for 1 or 2 more years. Similarly, if humans tend to keep fit more regularly by participating in outdoor activities or using health-care product, obesity, myopia or other diseases that require expensive treatments will never stand a chance.

To sum up, I have to concede to the materialistic diversion from treatment to health education and preventative measures. This will yield positive results on not only the people's physical and mental development but also their finance.

Could you guys please review my essay? By the way can you help me replace some words like "disease", "health", "measure", "expensive" because I find them repeated too much and not academic enough? Thanks a lot for your help :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The zoo deserves maintenance and public respect [13]

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A zoo has no useful purpose. Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

Could you guys review and rate (if possible) my essay? Thank you guys a lot :)

For a long time, the zoo has been a second home to endangered animals. However, other people believe that the existence of zoos is next to nothing. In my opinion, the zoo deserves maintenance and public respect for two specific reasons.

FIrst of all, the zoo should be considered as a means of education with regard to providing real and vivid materials for learners. With zoos, pupils will have a chance of observing the habit and unique instinct of, for instance, a lion or a crocodile. At a higher level, it is of university students' benefits to do biological research based on practical statistics and live recordings, which otherwise would not be at hand. This means that the zoos conduce to the acquisition of knowledge at various levels.

Secondly, the zoo also serve as a means of ecological protection. Nowadays the process of globalisation is accompanied by the encroachment upon natural habitats, which consequently calls for the help of zoos. What is more, the ever-increasing huntings are having a heavy toll on rare and specious species. Only when zoos appear are such distinction-driven animals as: giraffe, panda, koala or leopard provided with their own inaccessible territory.

In sum, the role of zoos towards both human and animals is undeniably indispensable. It is highly recommended that zoos should be seen with different perspective in order to function at their most efficiency.

Is there any phrase better than "do the research" as in my essay? I'm so stuck here :(

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] THE MAINTENANCE OF TRADITIONAL SKILLS AND WAYS OF LIFE? [7]

Topic: When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Another ielts essays :) Can you guys review and rate (if possible) for me? Thanks a lot!

There is no doubt the application of technological developments in some countries will be accompanied with modern skills and new lifestyles. It is argued that these so-called cultural invasions will result in the distinction of national traditions, and there is no need to maintain them. However, from my point of view, what can be expected, is a change of the role of the tradition but not its disappearance from the society.

It is undeniable that the country's culture is passed down mainly through traditional skills and ways of life. For instance, in Vietnam, many water puppet shows which once demonstrated our seasonal agriculture and communal activities, are today substituted by cinemas and music concerts. This means the young generation can solely get access to their ancestor's early life through books and images, which otherwise would be much more easily absorbed.

In tradition, a person should look back at the past, mainly by means of custom handcraft or antique lifestyle, to progress. Understanding why, and how our predecessors survived through thick and thin will probably be invaluable lessons for us today. Also, study form their mistakes helps us accomplish our goal with smooth sailing.

To sumarize, there should never be any replacement for traditional skills or ways of life. They are the ones that teach, and will teach us to be self-esteem and experienced, which means their preservation throughout history deserve our attention.

And if able, would you please help me find another word for "ways of life" or "lifestyle"? I feel I have repeated it too much :<

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] FUTURE INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY: POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? [7]

Topic: In the last 20 years there have been significant development in the field of information technology (IT), for example the World Wide Web and communication by e-mail. However, future developments in IT are likely to have more negative effects than positive.

To what extent do you agree with this view?

Could you guys review my essay? Hope this is better than the previous one :)

The appearance of information technology (IT) in the last 20 years has brought about significant developments in life standard as well as work efficiency. However, it is believed that the evolution also proves to be detrimental. In my opinion, there is a likelihood that future developments in IT will put the users at their own expense.

With the rapid developing pace, IT seems to have turned its users to its slaves. In the past, there used to be World Wide Web or e-mail, but the cyber world now varies form games, online TV shows to means of communication, and probably still keeps going. Such irrisistible temptations drift people from the real world to the unreal ones, resulting in their dependence on technical equipment. What is more, the lack of soft skills attained form outdoor activities will agitate the IT addict, therefore, staying inside with computer and mobile phone will always be the first alternative.

Future IT has also aroused concern on health issues. The existence of Skype, Viber or Yahoo has notably reduced even the longest distance into one click. As a result, rarely do people go out of their comfot zone, provided with snack and air conditioner, to assemble with others in flesh. Needless to say, their action will make a beeline for obesity, short-sighted, diabetes and other heart-related problems.

In conclusion, despite the contribution of IT to the society, its effect on the users' independence and prositution should not be out of concern. To my mind, there have to be some alterations before IT has more serious impact on each individual's life.