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Posts by Anfalia
Name: Anfa
Joined: Sep 15, 2014
Last Post: May 29, 2015
Threads: 40
Posts: 56  
Likes: 23
From: Indonesia

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Anfalia   
Oct 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / School subjects will influence in student's future - Physical Education - IELTS TASK 2 [2]

Because of the pressure of new subjects such as business studies, many schools have dropped sport or physical education (PE) from the curriculum
How important is sport or PE in a young person's education?

Young generations are nation's expectation that have responsible life to make their country be better than previous by learning some subjects in their education. These days, the education horizon is booming with the new subject: business studies. While several students have a solid personal argument that learning business is the first step to gain wealthy life, the educational stakeholders tend to ignore the proper study like sport or physical education in curriculum that actually has hardly important role to be learned by students. This following essay will explain clearly the prominent aspects of learning sport or physical education for a young person's education.

Physical education has already provided in the curriculum since earlier education. Although once a week to study the lesson, it would be benefit for students to get healthy life. The important factors in learning physical education for students are; firstly, this subject trains students to keep their healthy life. Their body will be fit and fresh to do their activity because the circulation of their blood is working well. Other than consume nutrition food, they also should balance their body life by doing some exercises. An obvious example could be taken for this case is sport subject that taught in school once a week. It takes some merits for students as they had been stressful of main lesson in the class. The further prominent tract of physical education is to gain more spirit. When students study about sport, they have almost habit-forming to always play; even they want to compete with their friends to be the greatest among others. This is fact that sport can build students' spirit. And, the last is preventive of illness. By often doing exercise, some diseases could be prevented by students because they acquire a strong immunity system in their body.

However, by the time goes by for this era, sport study is not a proper lesson that should be obligated by students to learn detail. Based on some arguments that sport cannot create the wealthy life in the future; whereas, people life in this world should earn plenty of money. One of interesting subject to be learned is studying business. It gains beneficial for pupil's future especially to derive job in companies. The evidence-based approach, a well-known aspect nowadays is having a business, creating a job and providing job vacancy for applicants; however, they will be richer fast. Hence, that is matter of fact that they tend to ignore sport subjects which actually is so really crucial for them.

In conclusion, school subjects will influence in student's future; not only for career but also the students' physical body. It could be better for students to obtain more knowledge in sides, physical education and business studies. They will derive the bright horizon in their career by learning business studies; also, they will obtain well-being life. Furthermore, government should provide and focus on both education curriculum; theory and practical; physical and science.
Anfalia   
Oct 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France - IELTS table chart [7]

hello dicky..

The chart shows data from seven nations there are Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, UK and USA. The dramatically fluctuations are composite by Canada, Italy, Japan and France.

i think you should change with "they" or use "colon"

According to table list on last period, 2000 years, France and Japan were in first positions in the percentage of saving loans per-persons on these two nations were 13,6 % ,however the trend in each nations werewas different.

i think it's fraction, so you should use "the" before first

While France in 1990 recorded by 11,5 % and reachreached the peak was in 1970 with 18,7% , Japan the percentages of passive income by private account recorded 17,6% as the top in 1970 and in 1990 decreasedecreased slightly to 12,1 %.

overall, it's good. keep fighting! :)
Anfalia   
Oct 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Medical Treatment; Health is above wealth for inhabitants in this world [4]

Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Health is above wealth for inhabitants in this world. There are various ways for people to keep their health. Some medical technologies are provided to cure diseases. While some arguments believe that a large proportion of their health budget should be spent on medical technology and procedures, others argue that the expenditure of the budget is better for health education to keep societies away from diseases' attack. I strongly have personal argument that the merits of spending money for medical technology and procedures outweighs for health education. This further information will be explained clearly in the following essay.

Health education is the solid common aspect in a whole of society. The developed countries provide amount of money for health education in order to keep societies well. While many people are clever in health education, they can be more selective to keep their body because they know the cause and effect of ignoring health to the body. The more people in country are health, the more marvelous job will they create. An obvious example can be taken from this case is, when a person have job than he is getting sick, he cannot do the best of their job, it gains impact for country's income moreover when his job as government's official.

Conversely, some arguments state that plenty of money from developed country should be spent for medical technologies and procedures. Some merits can be taken in selecting this option; firstly, medical technology is very important to cure diseases faster, patients should not travel to abroad to get treatment of their diseases. For instance, when a patient gets disease than some doctors could not do anything for them because the limitation of technology to cure its disease, they will be recommended having treatment in other countries. However, when they have sophisticated technology, they will not allow having treatment in overseas. Secondly, more medical technologies will gain benefits for a country because when other countries' patient can be brought to get a special treatment in a country which has a good medical technology and the profit for country will rise.

The aforementioned examines that people suffering some diseases could be cured soon. When the countries do not have the special medical technology, they will rely on other countries and it will spend much money. I strongly argue that a developed country should have some medical technologies in order to the treatment process will be efficient and a country will be known-well by others because have the excellent technologies.
Anfalia   
Oct 20, 2014
Scholarship / Mental health is a term that ceases to exist within the Asian household - Scholarship Essay [3]

Every morning, as I sit in class, I am flooded by the three reoccurring themes of stress: sleep, depression and eating


hello,, i think you should use the parallel words from the italic sentence. allow me to rewrite your statement;
Every morning, as I sit in class, I am flooded by the three reoccurring themes of stress: sleeping, depressing and eating

It struck strucks me that students in my generation lack of the knowledge and experience required to develop effective stress coping mechanisms.

in the last paragraph, i think you should use simple past

Shortly after I got elected for Grade Representative, I proceeded to use the Student Council platform to co-establish our school's first ever Mental Health committee. The purpose of this committee iswas to raise awareness within our school and de-stigmatize Mental Health. As of fall 2014, we arewere designing and spreading pamphlets that provideprovided essential information to students regarding Mental illnesses, how to cope with them and specific helplines. We expect students to proactively seek out help for their problems and implement effective coping mechanisms into their life; reducing stress one step at a time.

Anfalia   
Oct 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS national teams/individual financially supported by the government/non-government organisations [4]

hello icha..
i suggest you to put the task and paraphrase it. and i just found some mistakes of grammar

I personally believe that it is better to be financially supportsupported by the government.

Because the range of official agencies clients is more widewider and more complex than private agencies, and also its target that it is not detailed measurable, its professionalism is not very satisfying.

Because of the private agencies' professionalism, its finance is abundant so that it can support the athletes or teams' needed properly.

Anfalia   
Sep 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Children are needed to master foreign language to face the global world - IELTS [3]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.

Children are tomorrow assets for the nation. They are needed to master foreign language to face the global world. Experts believe that primary school is better level for children to learn foreign language than secondary school. Although this case consists of merits and demerits, I would argue that early school should help the children grow into responsible life of the world because it is the best time for them to easily accept the knowledge includes the second language.

Learning second language is effective for children's brain development because their brain is still fresh in receiving the new language. A research informs American children are predicted successfully in learning Spanish as a second language. This is evidence that learning second language is easy for students in primary school. However, parents should take a role when school does not provide second language lesson. Parents should send their children to some courses to learn the second language. It gives better solution than they learn in adult age because that age tends to difficulty think and accept the language in their mind. Again they cannot avoid the second language because it helps their future life.

However, some people argue that learning second language is not prominent for children because other lessons are more important, such as math and science. Also, learning second language is wasting time. Firstly, other lessons such as math and science are much better in children's brain development. When children study math, they use their multiple perspective to solve problem precisely in the learning process. They are asked to show their logic argument as to how the questions are figured out. Furthermore, learning science influences further at that age. On an almost daily basis, neuroscience, among others is opening up vast new horizons in our understanding of how the brain works. Young children create neural connections at an astonishing rate. The strength and resiliency of these connections depends on the quality of children's learning experiences as infants, toddler, and preschools. Secondly, learning second language just wasted time. Even they spend yearly to study and master foreign language. Commonly, they put on the second of main lessons in their school only want to focus in second language. It was a common assumption that exposure to more than one language would confuse young children and could lead to developmental delays. As a result children spend much time in this case.

The aforementioned evidence examines that human brain is the next great frontier in scientific progress. Although math and science claim that it is excellent for children's development, second language is the first-rate lesson should be learned by them at primary school. Where possible that child should master in both second language and science or math at child age for children's future development.
Anfalia   
Sep 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS 1] Time Spent in different media by teenagers and US Adults. [6]

The line graph present data about teenagers who spend the time with five variant media per-day in hours and the table illustrates about United State Adults who waste the time with plenty of media per-day in minutes over a four year period, from 2010 till 2013.Overallmostly inhabitant watch television as the best choice to spend their time, it shows between line graph and table.

rita, if I'm not mistaken,I found some incorrect grammars. Allow me to rewrite your writing;
The line graph presents data about teenagers who spent the time with five variant medias per-day in hours and the table illustrates about United State Adults who wasted the time with plenty of media per-day in minutes over a four-year period, from 2010 till 2013.Overall, mostly inhabitant watch television as the best choice to spend their time, it shows between line graph and table.

overall, your writing is good. Good Luck! :)
Anfalia   
Sep 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'I argue that children's behavior does not rely on by television' - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [3]

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behavior.
Do you agree or disagree?


Children are nation's expectation and media are sources of knowledge for the development of nation. Recently, an enhancing the amount of violence on the media such as television influenced the negative side of children's behavior because as the reality that children's sense is imitating. Although this surely authentic for some people, I argue that children's behavior does not rely on by television; parents and educational stakeholders have more main role in this case.

Media and other affects related to that are common things in this era. And children are the victim of this aspect. At their age imitation is one of main characteristics which could not be denied. The common children's imitation is from television. By watching the various kinds of programs on the television, children tend to imitate what they had watched. Becoming as the real actor of their idol is their hard expectation. No wonder they act and have style as their idol. This is good when they imitate in appropriate way, but is what inappropriate program such as violence and criminal about? Absolutely the highest probability to imitate it could be happen to the children. As an obvious example of this can be seen that if children watch crime news, they will interest to imitate as they have high sense of that. Indirectly that is called by a natural education. While the children watch that news, their mind may be thought that it is style, so that is matter for them to imitate. Conversely, children should have accompanies to watch any kinds of program on television, so who has right to select the program is not the children but the other who can control them.

READ BELOW
Anfalia   
Sep 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / Keeping dogs and cats as companion. How it influences ownership and the community? [4]

In the fact, pets can be a friendly animal to the people, but also can be dangerous to the people

in the fact, pets not only can be friendly animal but also dangerous for people.

Care for each other between pets and ownership are will be ownership will be natural feeling for them.

the parallel structure between "pets and ownership"
perhaps you can change; "a sense of care will be natural feeling for both pets and ownerships"

In the other hand, having pets also give gives some disadvantages for the animals which are some examples ; lack of freedom and natural activity. People who having who have pets the fact they lack the animals fro freedom and natural habit of them if they do not care with their pets.

actually it was hard for me to understand the main point of that sentence. but I'll try to do in other sentence if I'm not mistaken.

In the other hand, having pets also gives some disadvantages for the animals; lack of freedom and natural activity. As the matter of fact, the animals which were looked after by people do not get freedom and warn of pet's natural habit if the owner do not care with them.

Beside that community who have pets sometimes they have some problem with themselves.

some problems

overall, that is good writing. I'm not an expert and sorry if i have mistakes. we can share together. :)
Anfalia   
Sep 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Climate change is a threat for the earth regardless of people's actions. [4]

Climate change is now an accepted threat to our planet, but there is not enough political action to control excessive consumerism and pollution. Do you agree?

A virtual unchanged climate is necessary for the development of country in the industrial part. The reality nowadays sees that the climate is unpredictable. No one can predict whether summer, autumn, or rainy season attacks to a country monthly. This becomes a threat to our planet such as a research states that there have been seven cycles of glacial advance and retreat, with the abrupt end of the last ice age about 7,000 years ago marking the beginning of the modern climate era and of human civilization. Most of these climate changes are attributed to very small variations in Earth's orbit that change the amount of solar energy our planet receives; the political action does not support to tackle the excessive consumerism and pollution, however. It was proven from both sides, school that lacks explanation for the students to respect the environment and planet, an industry which has no pressure to develop responsible environmental. While government has provided sophisticated tools to solve the climate changes, I strongly argue that there is no fixed-punishment from government to control this case based on the truth that wide pollution has existed for decades in this world.

Several causes of the current global warming trend could be probably emerged in climate change problem. First problem is human expansion using "greenhouse effect". It is warming result when the atmosphere traps heat radiating from Earth toward space. Certain gases in the atmosphere block heat from escaping. Long-lived gases that remains semi-permanently in the atmosphere which does not respond physically or chemically to changes in temperature. It described as forcing climate change. Gases, such as water vapor which increases as the Earth's atmosphere warming make some of the most important feedback mechanisms to the greenhouse effect. Coming second is unpredictable weather patterns such as extreme events. The extreme events often happened to almost all countries in this world. For instance, the number of high temperature event records in the United States has been increasing, while the number of low temperature event records has been decreasing, since 1950. The societies witnessed increasing numbers of intense rainfall events. And the next problem is going up sea levels. Global sea level rose about 17 centimeters in the last century. The rate in the last decade, however, is nearly double that of the last century.

In the other hand, the good lifestyle is having high level of consumerism. As a result, the industrial emissions of gases keep their existence in working, and it means that people created much pollution. Definitely, it attacks the planet. Conversely, the political action does not control the consumerism and pollution. This could be proven in school that lacks specific lesson to encourage respect for the environment and planet. An obvious example, many students use papers to write and they need more books which are made by papers. As the reality papers are made of wood. The more consumers use wood for their products, the fewer trees grows in the world. So the planet would be worse. Also, the industrial emission of gasses does not get a strict policy for their accountable actions such as they do illegal mining and it would attack the earth. Conversely, the government should provide a curriculum which tells how to keep the student's behavior for the global world in order to describe a respect to the earth. Therefore, making a new policy about industrial emission of gasses' legally accountable in the actions should be held by government. So, people do not freely utilize the world's wealth.

The aforementioned evidence examines that climate change is a threat for the earth regardless of people's actions. In my personal argument, government should have main role in political action to control and tackle this case latter. Where possible, both government and society should take a part from this case. The more dangerous earth's condition is, the worrier people are. It could be better to save the earth from now on.
Anfalia   
Sep 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Life is easier? Positive view about everything always help us for having a good life in every times. [3]

Life is always is difficult

In past time most of the people encountered with troubles for providing first requirements of their families because foods, water and other raw materials in one side

People with little skills could get job. In addition they had much interaction with each other and social relations of people were strong
Also, People easily had access had accessed easily
to natural environment and enjoyed from clean and fresh airs.
Anfalia   
Sep 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / With the humble attitude, we can earn the respect from others and relieve ourselves.; Toefl exam! [7]

There arewere already a lot of people waiting in there.Here came the bus.It was already overcrowded,but we try tried our best to get into the bus

. We all knew the condition would not be better even if we wait the next bus.I waited and waited and waited for my terminus.It was a long way to go,and i even gowent back to my dream,standing and tired.Suddenly,OOOOch! Someone step on my feet.It so hurt that barely can i hold my tears.Without showing a little regret,the guy get got through the overcrowded car,and rush out without an apology.[/quote]

i got incorrect using of grammatical in the first paragraph. but overall i like your written.
anyway, i am not an expert one. good luck!
Anfalia   
Sep 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Arts are crucial to government to gain successful incomes by some events [3]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theater is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?

All parts of aspects in this world are a thirst for government's investment, which determine the development of country. Spending money for the art activity like music and theater is not a prominent thing that government should do because that is only for entertainment. Some people argue that it could be better if government uses the money for public services; however, I argue that art gives several merits for the government from its tax. Therefore, this essay will discuss how government invests nation's wealth for both sides; public services and arts.

In this modern era, government undoubtedly plays the key part to the development of country for all sides. Arts are one of governments' investments. Not surprisingly government provides amount of money for the successful events of art such as music and theater. This may be only entertainment purposes but this would be benefits for government to gain money. In celebrating some events, the provider should pay a tax to the government. That is incomes for government. An obvious example that could be taken for this case is carrying out a concert which invites some overseas' artists. This is surely authentic that government spends much money for this event but on the other hand, this obtains a tax to government. The more viewers of concert come, the more profits government will get. To prevent the negative point of view of wasting money for the art events, government should pay attention more to the art creators because they can bring the nations' name.

However, public services take important role in the development of country. First, public service like transportation has many problems. This can be seen from how transportation is functioned by government. For example, in Asian countries such as Indonesia, still operate the proper transportation that makes the passenger feel uncomfortable. Second, the minimum number of health clinics especially in the coastal area of country needs more investment from government. To illustrate this, the poor still find difficulty to get medicine or doctor when they are getting sick. As the results, the amount money of country should be given for solving that problem of country in public services rather than to art services.

Ultimately, the arts are crucial to government to gain successful incomes by some events. Government should support the art events to attract young people to love the nation, and enhance the public services to be enjoyed by the societies. In my personal argument, both art and public services give some merits for the nation, and the problem is how the government could take a fair part from this case.