Posts by Anfalia

Anfalia

Mar 17, 2015

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine [2]

Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine. However, at best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous. To what extent, do you agree with this statement?

Good health is a key for happy life. For this reason, people are increasingly using alternative medicines to treat illness. While this traditional treatment addresses unknown side effects owing to not be tested scientifically, many patients report positive experiences with this treatment. Therefore, I personally believe that seeing high-qualified doctors is a valuable solution for people suffering illness.

...

Anfalia

Mar 17, 2015

Writing Feedback / Happiness is a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment. For this reason people see money as its source. [2]

Some people believe that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others believe there are other factors. Discuss the two sides and give your opinion.

Happiness is a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment. For this reason, the majority of people see money as a source of happiness. While other people argue that happiness is something deeper, I personally believe that there two factors to measure happiness: getting a sense of achievement and spending time with family and friends.

Success is probably defined as a wealthy life.
...

Anfalia

Mar 23, 2015

Writing Feedback / Kids who are not born with some sort of abilities and skills can be as successful as talented one [4]

Believing(it is true using gerund here, but it could be better that do not put verb as a noun (gerund) in the first word of sentence) that people are born with certain skills and talents has a long pedigree.Overtime,by dicovering more about human brain and behaviors,some experts declare(It could be better that you use "argue/beliece/contend" cz declare is to announce something clearly/publicly) that people can gain many skills in different fields such as sport and music by being trained ~~from~~ (since) young age and childhood.

In the past there were many talented who could play sport or a musical instrument without being taught (how do you prove this argument?)and these examples(it could be better that you specify your example) made us believe that to be good at sports or ~~to be a good~~ musician,~~it needs to have the skill in our~~ DNA.The main root of this belief was the lack of information about human ~~and his~~ abilities ~~to learn~~ .By the time passing,scientists have tried to find if there are other factors (what are they?) which can effect on human learning proccess and the amount of time that should be dedicate to train a child be a specialist on any type of acitivity like sport or music.(This paragraph is good, you try to compare:past and present. however, there are some missing argument, I mean that you should make statement clearly)

Nowadays,some experts try to bring ~~to light~~ effective ways to teach children toin improveing their skills even if they do not have the talent in some sort of activities such as sport or playing music.Many researches conducted on this issue ~~have make it~~ clearly that under correct conditions it would be possible to take out a super star from normal children in any fields by encouraging them to practice continuouslyand hard working.In addition to have successful it is important to find activity that they show interest on them to be successful~~and helping them through it until they reach to good result on it~~ even if they are not born with the talent.(you need sentence connector here) It is clear that ~~by avoding to give up~~ ,keep trying and learning from mistakes each person could find the way to success and no matter if they are not high talented.

1. pay attention to your spelling
2. try to avoid using many verb as a gerund "being"
3. simplify your example from scientific fact
4. I don't really find grammar error in this essay. however, you should be careful on flow of sentence because it's important

Good Luck!!

Anfalia

Mar 23, 2015

Writing Feedback / Adults education and the reasons why grown-up people continue studying - IELTS [5]

The first bar chart illustrates the reasons why grown-up people continue studying(this is too general, please specify this), and the pie chart shows how to share the cost of education courses following to their thinking.

in introduction, you have to mention about what the graph stands out? and it should be clear. also, how does it measures? "percentage/number/etc"

it could be better that you put an overview in the first paragraph.

Good Luck!

Anfalia

Mar 23, 2015

Writing Feedback / Family - a root of happiness in human life; children and their parents seem to be less close nowaday [2]

Nowadays, families are not as close as in the past and a lot of people have become used to this. Explain the reasons for this and discuss any possible effects it may have on society.

Family is the root of happiness in human life. For this reason, children and their parents seem to be less close nowadays, compared to in the past. While this phenomenon has already been a public issue, I personally believe that less contact between parents and children is the main reason why this has happened. Furthermore, juvenile delinquency is on the increase as a result of this situation.

Admittedly, parents are more likely to spend less time with their children, owing to the fact that both parents often work full-time. A research study has shown that the majority of Los Angelinos -both men and women- are workaholics. They spend approximately twelve hours at the workplace, and one or two additional hours for over-time work. They believe that rush hours enable them to gain high salaries. In consequence, many parents have no idea how their children spend their time.

However, lack of closeness in families introduces negative effect on children's behavior. Children feel free from parental attention, and it encourages them to having fun with many friends. Doubtfully, they belong to criminal gangs, and commit a crimes, in public. To illustrate, children join with organized-crime, and they are suspected of being a drug dealer. It will also lead to a rise in juvenile delinquency, among teenagers. As a result, parent surveillance determines children's upbringing.

The aforementioned evidence examines that parents are inevitably involved in their children's behavior. At a young age, children need positive role models in their daily lives. Where possible, father should be a breadwinner and mother should stay at home and bring her children up well. Therefore, families can divide roles and responsibilities in the most convenient way.

I made some word choice swaps, and added some punctuation. Basically, this is a well-written essay, I think you explored both the situation with less closeness to the children, and the effect on society. By focusing on the effects on children, you said how society was affected!

I think you need to pay closer attention to punctuation, and try harder to avoid run-on sentences. Also, preposition choice needs some attention.
I think you'll find my suggestions will address these issues.

Anfalia

Mar 25, 2015

Scholarship / Artificial Intelligence at one of the world's prestigious University - candidate for a scholarship [3]

However Icing on the cake is holding on an unconditional offer to pursue masters in MSc. Artificial Intelligence at one of the world's prestigious "University of XXX" (I think in this sentence you need verb)

These (these what? please specify it) cannot be scribed here unless I had encountered innumerable tussles, crest-fallen moments & failures. Nevertheless I believe that they were the main fuels to propel my willpower to realize my dream. In spite of some hardships, I was graduated as the first literate in my family in first class. But, due to my unfortunate fate my father was not alive to witness my achievements, he ~~has~~had(please consistent of your tenses) always backed me and wantsed me to do things(what kinds of things?) despite any circumstance. Losing my father was just like cut the ground from under feet. Overcoming the monetary issues were the primary concerns. However, my strong-minded mother ~~been~~was my moral supporter and backbone in pursuing pinnacle in my passion.

It feels unerring that I have committed myself to robotics. Robotics conglomerates nearly all field from ecology to music to astronomy, and ~~this~~these makes robotics even awe-inspiring to me. Besides I believe it will aid me to develop forward-thinking about robots which would help myself in contributeing/to contribute to the improvement of humanity. As an initiative, I had developed a humanoid arm and biped prosthetic legs. However, i-Limb by Touch bionics were my inspiration to build my prototypes. Also, I am maintaining a technical blog named nijanthanvasudevan's where I post my researches online to share my ideas to any budding inventors.

Also, I believe in my ideas,for pursuing them with all my grit and whittling them into reality. Which I foresee university of XXX, pioneer in the artificial-intelligence having cutting edge research laboratory, known for the outstanding reputation for excellence in world-leading research, innovation and Teaching . I firmly believe that it will be the best place to develop my robotic prototypes into real intellectual creatures.

Through my achievements, I have demonstrated a consistent of high academic accomplishment and passion for technology. Furthermore, I have demonstrated leadership, initiative, and desire to learn technology in a global setting. I believe these will be the influential factors for considering myself as a particular best candidate. And this will provide a chance for me to make my mother feel pride as the words of Thiruvalluvar "The mother who hears her son called "a wise man" will rejoice more than she did at his birth". And regarding funding my masters, I will be applying for SSSSS scholarship also.

Hello, I think overall your idea is great. however, you should pay attention to your grammatical, and please be consistent of tenses in use. also, you should learn more about punctuation for writing. Good Luck!!

Anfalia

Mar 25, 2015

Writing Feedback / Develop countries have created many environmental problems in the world; global warming (IELTS) [2]

Develop countries have created many environmental problems in the world, particularly in their contribution to global warming.
What can be done to reduce the dangers of global warming?

Environmental problem always be a unique topic in this world. For this reason, global warming is estimated to increase significantly as a result of industrialized in many developing countries. However, the danger of this problem can be tackled by several measurements which could be done by government and individual.

A hustle and bustle of human activities is a major [...]

Anfalia

Mar 31, 2015

Writing Feedback / Some learners need a structured course from high qualified teacher to know materials in a depth. [2]

Schools are no longer necessary, because children can get so much information available through internet, and they can study just as well at home. What extent do you agree or disagree?

One's success determines on how people are studying. For this reason, it is estimated that there are no available schools in many areas owing to the fact that the majority of children rely entirely on computers which provides them to study at their own places. While this phenomenon meets several merits and demerits, I am personally convinced that some learners need a structured course from high qualified teacher to know materials in a depth.

...

Anfalia

Mar 31, 2015

Writing Feedback / To look after the elderly - responsibility of families or the government? [3]

Hello,
let me give you a little suggestion for your introductory paragraph. hopefully it helps.

There is a lot of discussion on how to look after elderly people. While some people suggest that the government is responsible for keeping an eye on them, others argue that it is their families that should support old people.

it could be better that you give your personal argument to answer the task. However, I believe that...(what is your opinion for both arguments?)

Good Luck!

Anfalia

Apr 1, 2015

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences [2]

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Crime is issue that deserves public attention. For this reason, the majority of people argue that prison is the most common punishment for criminals to ensure the safety of other citizens. While other people believe that there are various ways to punish criminals, I am personally convinced that rehabilitation is a convenient place for prisoners to be better citizens.

It is argued that prisoners will be law-abiding citizens when they were punished to stay in a longer time at prisons. For pragmatic instance, some criminals in Jakarta as capital city of Indonesia had stolen some private cars. By doing so, offenders stay at prisons for several years. It would be better for their personalities because they will learnt the lesson after living at prison which they can do almost nothing with public. As a consequence, prisons ensure the safety for citizens.

Another aim of prisons is rehabilitation. In this place, prisoners receive education of vocational skill because they earn personal skill. For instance, women prisoners at rehabilitation in Tokyo were taught to make shawl from wool cloth. In this way, they learnt in a depth how the first through the last process of making shawl. As a result, prisoners would be better citizens by having specific job skill.

In conclusion, either prisons or rehabilitations are a place to punish criminals in terms for being better people. Where possible, government should choose selectively whether rehabilitation or prisons is the place for criminals based on offender's kinds of criminalities.

Anfalia

Apr 12, 2015

Writing Feedback / Two charts, one result in the survey of adult education; Writing task 1 [3]

The two ~~of the~~ charts ~~below~~ present for publishing a survey youngster education with the first chart (you need to put conjunction here) examines the percentage of the reason why they are more likely to continue study, and the pie chartillustrates people opinion about ...

Overall, it can be seen that interest in subject and gain qualifications ~~had~~have/experience/witness the highest percentages, and that individual opinion showed the lowest ~~most~~ percentage should be shared among others.

Anfalia

Apr 12, 2015

Writing Feedback / The chart informs the number of Bulgarians moving to different countries based on level of education [5]

Overall, it can be clearly be seen that the number (...) was the highest amongst other level of education, whereas the figure (...) education experienced an upward trend over ... period.

... a gradual increase in the fourth first year of the period before it dropped dramatically ...

Anfalia

May 7, 2015

Writing Feedback / The diagram depicts the phases of erosion of a headland [3]

Hello Ainun, let me give you some overview for you introductory paragraph.

The ~~pictures~~diagrams highlight a description with regard to some steps that took place in a headland as a result of coastal erosion through the sea.~~erosion of a headland phases~~ . Clearly, it can be seen that the overhanging a headland at the top cracks and sea waves attack the zone of weak areas beneath a headland (you can end up your overview here or you add with the further explanation), (and this process consists of ~~there are~~ four phases)~~of a headline erosion as a result of rock erosion which took a place in a cliff face~~ .

(1) overview; you need not only to explain how many steps that it took, but also you should cover the overall information on the diagram.
Thank you. Good Luck!! :)

Anfalia

May 7, 2015

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The design for a wind turbine and its location [3]

(it does not tell what the pictures actually means)
in this first introductory paagraph, you should;
1. tell the first picture which tells about the design of wind turbine
2. tell the 2nd picture which tells about the optimum location
3. give an overview. here, you should understand for both pictures mean. (how wind afffects the turbine basen on different location)
I suggest you to re-write this introductory paragraph. By doing so, I'll give you a further feedback.
Thank you. Good Luck!

Anfalia

May 7, 2015

Writing Feedback / The two methods of collecting water for irrigation purposes [3]

let me try to give you an overview;
Overall, the are several different steps in both swing basket, and rope and bucket methods provided in the process of water-collecting for irrigation. While people as the media of swing basket who collect water from reservoir to the irrigation channel, the method of rope and bucket uses animal as the main media to pull the collective water from well to this channel.

Good Luck!
Fight for writing. :)

Anfalia

May 29, 2015

Writing Feedback / Age discrimination occurs when a decision is made on the basis of a person's age. [3]

Hello, allow me to give you some feedback on your writing.
1. you need to include the topic of your writing? it will be hard to focus on particular topic if you do not mention so
2. identify your essay into each paragraph

Human health needs nutritious foods and medical care. If a human being do not take a balance ~~food~~diet he would not get immunization power. In other words, human beings with malnutrition is attacked by various diseases. For example, people who do not eat enough green vegetables suffer from eye diseases. Likewise, we get protein, vitamin, and carbohydrate from food intake. To get such substances we should include those grains in our daily meal which consistsof these things.

Let me ask you, is this free essay/academic writing/ielts task 2? I'll help you more if I know the topic. Thank you