Writing Feedback / The diagram ilustrates how to make chocolates and the pie chart describes the price of chocolate bar [2]

[/b]Question :
The diagrams below show how chocolate is made and how the price of a chocolate bar is devided up among those involved in the process.[b]

Answer :
The diagram ilustrates how to make chocolates and the pie chart describes the price of chocolate bar according to 5 factors that they are involved in the process and is measured in per cents. Overall, it can be seen that cocoa can be produce to 2 kinds of products and the biggest proportions in price of chocolate bar are cost of ingredients and overheads and supermarket. However, the others factors also get involved in the price.

To begin with the prosedure to make chocolate, first, put the cocoa in the cocoa grinding. This process will deliver some waste as their residues. Then, pour the cocoa with some ingredient in chocoa liquor. This 2 process is same in making both chocolate bar and chocolate powder. To make chocolate powder, next, using a pressing machine, press the cocoa down and force out any excess water. This step produces 2 product of chocoa, chocoa butter and chocoa powder. While cocoa butter is sent to industrial chocolate to make chocolate bar, chocoa powder is delivered to food industry as the raw material in some foods. To make chocolates bar, after the process in chocoa liquor, the cocoa is poured with sugar, chocoa butter and other ingredients in industrial chocolate. Finally, the cocolate bar is made after the last process.

A closer look at the figure reveals that the percentage of ingredients price and overheads and supermarket where they are get the biggest proportions are almost the same. The number are 37% and 34%. The tax and chocolate company, however, there is a less than a fifth of chocolate bar price that is devided up to. In contrast, the farmer as the person who produce the raw materials of chocolates get the lowest proportion in chocolate bar price. It gives just a very small number.

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Writing Feedback / Replies for different essay questions - Introduction and Conclusion [2]

Please help me to improve my writing skill by giving suggestions and corrections. Thank you..

Q :
1. Some people think that it is more effective for students to study in groups, while others believe that it is better for them to study alone. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

A :
Introduction
Knowing type of the way to study determine in final study. For some people, they argue that study in group is effective way to acquire knowledge. In my view, however it is not study group in it self which is important; it is self study that can help to deeply learn some lesson.

Conclusion
In conclusion, study in group give positive influence for some people to learn the lesson. However, study alone also engaged with improvement of learning. I believe using 2 kinds of way to study in right condition will improve the study comprehension.

Q :
2. Many criminals reoffend after they have been punished. Why do some people continue to commit crimes after they have been punished, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

A :
Introduction
Jail is the best place for criminals to be better person. For this reason, some people believe that after get freedom, criminals are tend to regret their mistakes and try to be better person in society. While this is true for some extend, i would aggre that many crimes occure due to ex-criminals. Several factors have led to this issue, but there are measures that governments and individuals can take to solve this problem.

Conclusion
To sum up, it is evidence that although a number of factors are resulting in an issue of reoffend criminals, solutions to tackle the problem are available to governments and individuals.

Q :
3. As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual well-being. What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?

A :
Introduction
Job satisfaction influence in work quality. Some people view that the only thing which influence in job satisfaction is material benefit. However, i do agree that personal well-being play vital role in making worker satisfied. it is realistic reason to enjoy the job.

Conclusion
To sum up, it is evidence that job satisfaction deppends on material benefit and personal happiness. I argue that the employers should concern about these 2 aspects to obtain viable quality in work.

Q :
4. Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
A :
Introduction
People learn through their entire lives. For this reason, some people believe that children should learn foreign language in secondary school as they has excellent ability in mother tongue language. I believe that it is better for children to start learning foreign language in primary school instead of secondary school.

Conclusion
In conclusion, it is evidence that the benefit of learning foreign language for children in primary school borders outweight the secondary school. I believe that when children prepared with foreign language, they can compete to other people in their future.

Q :
5. Air travel only benefits the richest people. The majority of people get no advantage from development of air travel.
To what extent do you agree or disagree.
A :
Introduction
The use of air travel is one indicator of country wealth. Some people believe that richest people is the only person who get benefit from air travel. However, i do not agree with this view point and believe that majority of people also would gain considerable advantages from development of air travel.

Conclusion
To sum up, it is evident that it is not the reachest people who get profit from air travel, it is majority of people too. I argue that the economic in one country will increase together with the development of air travel.

Writing Feedback / Dramatical increase of crimes among teenagers - looking for solutions. IELTS [2]

Please help me to improve my writing skill by giving suggestions and corrections. Thank you..

Q :
The crime among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions.

A :
Teenagers are nation generations. Nowadays, teenagers are associated with crime because of its dramatical increase among teenagers in many country. I argue that there are several reasons and soutions to tackle this issue.

The predominant factor resulting in crime among teenagers is that they tend to imitate what they seen in society. It is evidence that curiousity is the basic characteristic of human being. While TV programme and game online show the violence, teenagers who watch these are curious and want to try the same thing as they seen. The other reason is mostly parents do not feel guilty to show the violence to their children when they have debate. Uncounsiously, children record it as the common things in relationship with other. It is clear that TV programme, game online and parents play vital role in crime among teenagers.

Nevertheless, there are potential ways to solve these problem, or at least to reduce the effects. Firstly, government need to ban the TV programme and game online which contain violence and crime, and add more education programmes in every TV station. Secondly, parents as the role model in family should give good examples to the children such as shows harmonious of family and not to show the violence. Finally, a good collaboration between government and parents will reduces the crime rate among teenagers.

To conclude, although crime among teenagers, caused by TV programme, game online, and parents, is a serious issue, there are steps that government and family can take to tackle the issue. If we are to save our generations, it is important that this is treated as a priority for all concerned.