Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Do closed doors make us creative? [2]

I would like to help you with your thesis and some feedback. In your introductory paragraph, you could add "life" after everyday. Change towards to "to". You should delete your semicolon after thinking, and form a new sentence when you discuss how we should push our minds. Then the reader can identify your thesis.

Your first example has two slight errors. First, you should place a comma after "Yet". Also, effusive is the wrong word choice. If you are unsure, just keep your explanation simple and change the word to "creative". Also, this example and explanation is superb!

The second example, you use the term "crib". You could replace this with "the foundation". Another word that could explain it better would be the term "inspires". You could state: "Science inspires creative thinking as well." I think you should state "journey to invent the Edison bulb."

The last paragraph, delete "get " before eliminate. You could delete Just as how and replace it with "Since" and state "the common person should be". Another suggestion would be to end your paragraph with: "...creativity, it is possible that anyone can demonstrate unique thinking when faced with his or her own struggles."

This was a really good essay!

Writing Feedback / The correlation between family talks and a different number of the vocabulary used by children [3]

Hello, I can help you with your summary. Throughout your summary you use word characters or characters. You can replace these terms with "vocabulary".

1st paragraph: Since spoken and verbal are similar words, I would suggest using the heading on the first line graph and stating: "illustrates the total words spoken to a child and the second graph..." It is excellent that you are trying to link sentences together with a semicolon. However, I would suggest separating the next sentence because you need to add some words: "Each line graph is divided by three types of talking families."

When you use the word border, you should be more specific. You can use the headings as your guide to replace this word. Ex: "words spoken to a child and children's total vocabulary size".

2nd paragraph: Place a comma after data. Then delete some words: their word characters vocabulary tends to be same about 300 words in their age . The next sentence, delete a word: between . The next sentence needs to be separated from your last sentence: "words, respectively. However, the lowest-talking..." Change the word give to "have".

3rd paragraph: There is a light error: "This is in stark contrast..." (Good transition!) . The next sentence needs to be changed because I think you are trying to compare higher and lower talking families, but it is not stated in the sentence. The last sentence you can add "more" before mature.

Writing Feedback / "It is much more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle" money vs happiness [3]

Hello, I can help you with your essay. I have never heard of this quote, but you should give credit to the source (i.e. book, individual, internet, etc). Measure should be "measured". Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: "how much a person's ability".

2nd paragraph: There is just an error in typing the first sentence. It should read: "A truly successful individual is one who has who has done something good for others". (Remember to delete the additional spaces after typing a comma and period.) Here is another suggestion "...successful if he has a share in making society better". You can add "A" before contribution. The next sentence add an apostrophe, "can't" and place a comma after "it".

3rd paragraph: I want to give you three suggestions:
1) The second sentence you should begin with: "For example, a person who has earned a lot of money can provide all the luxuries and comforts of...." (This sentence you can spell out the word "and" instead of using (&). Also, you can end this sentence with the word "needs")

2) Form a new sentence: "He remains busy..."
3) The last sentence: "Another example is our..." Place a comma after "leaders" and "work".

I hope this helps you!

Writing Feedback / Characterist and physical description [3]

I can help you some errors.

1st paragraph: You should add "the" before perfect. When you discuss the ideal beauty in Europe and ask whether there is ideal beauty, this should be included in this paragraph.

2nd paragraph: Place a comma after "use". There is a word that needs to be plural: "photos of herself". Add some words "A similar experiment was made a picture of an overweight woman, but with the same results". I'm unsure about the rest of this sentence. Was her photograph sent to photoshop artists too?

3rd paragraph: You should state: "Everyone has the same objective". The sentence that discusses how a quick glance makes the first impression, should be in this paragraph. You could delete last but not least on your and replace it with "the way your dressed". Here is another suggestion: "Now, you have made the first impression..." Here is a suggestion: "So we should give it our best shot every time".

4th paragraph: Separate your sentences. "We should be open and confident, because this is the key to success."

5th paragraph: Describe your mum as the "ideal beauty". Also, change nature beauty to "natural beauty". The next sentence, you should use "confident" and "not mess with her". "When my brother and I were small..." Place a comma after bossy. Last sentence: "Even if we sometimes argue, I love her".

Scholarship / Nothing exceptional about me, I just have a passion for Computer science; KGSP scholarship statement [7]

I can help you with your essay. There are two changes you can make: You can delete But and begin the sentence with "I have a huge passion for computer engineering..." Also, the next sentence you could state: "I am motivated to apply for this program and receive this scholarship so..." Delete is proving this huge and replace it with "will be a once in a lifetime" Do you mean a new environment at a competitive university in Asia?

You could state: "Thanks to him," You could describe it as "follow the right path". Remember to use the past tense, change receive to "received".

I can help you make a change to help your reader understand the first statement: "I don't believe that a person should wait for inspiration, rather a person should gain as much knowledge and experience as possible." You should state: "I was helping provide foods...lending a helping hand". If you want to avoid using "and" at the beginning of a sentence, you can start your sentence with, "Through this act, I..." Change got to "made me" and serve back to "give back to".

In the first sentence, place a comma after school. Delete (such a weird combination) . The next sentence, you can place a comma after "big". Change spend to "spent" and is to "was a". You could state "20-30 year old women". A freelance opportunity is work experience. You could state that you also do freelance work online.

I would avoid stating "nothing exceptional" for a scholarship. Yet, if you want to include it you could state: So this is me. Nothing exceptional. But I believe that the passion I have for Computer science I just have a passion for computer science that will hopefully help me open up a nonprofit..." I'm unsure if you have answered the last question. Did you receive any rewards?

Scholarship / Masters in Public Health, 4 question EXCELLENT ESSAY for financial scholarship [3]

I can help you with the meaning.

Question 1: You need additional words "studying for a Masters degree". You can avoid using and by using commas: "invaluable experience, knowledge, and learned about the disadvantages" You need additional words. Here is a suggestion: "Since nurses provide highly skilled care, encouraging nurses to work in remote areas and further their..."

The next paragraph, add "the" before government. Place a comma after masters.

Question 2: There was a word that needed the space deleted: "knowledge into". When you discuss public research, place a comma after me. Also, you can avoid using and by stating:"identifying areas for improvement, working towards developing and designing plans, and ..." The next sentence does not have a subject. You could say, "I will learn to draw..." Then change applying to "apply" and add "and" before aboriginal.

You can state: "long term goal". The next sentence, you can place a comma after career. I am going to suggest avoiding the word "things". You could use "matters" or "change". You can delete things in a wider scope . The next sentence, you can place a comma after individual.

Question 3: The first sentence, you can place master's degree in all lower lowercase letters because the program name should be capitalized. The third sentence, you can place a comma after masters. Here is a suggestion to help you with repetition: "I have seen numerous times, nurses working..." Remember "into" is one word. I'm unsure what "there and then" means. Do you mean once in a while or when it is convenient? Place a comma after community. The next sentence, you should place a comma after your location and "degree". Also, you stated earlier aboriginal/remote. You could either state: aboriginal/remote and rural or aboriginal, rural, and remote.

Last paragraph: Place a coma after level and sector. When you describe your commitment to your area of practice, change continual to "continuing my". Place a comma after license and end the sentence with "in the future". I think you should form two sentences. Add "and" before develop then place a period after health. Then form another sentence that discusses how the program will also help you successfully construct programs. Place "and" after practicums.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of Britanian's audiences who watch TV and listen Radio per day [2]

I can help you with your summary. 1st paragraph: There are some missing words. Here is a suggestion: "The graph shows data of the time of day that United Kingdom audiences, over 4 years old, watch television and radio during the last three months of the year in 1992."

The next sentence, I think you should delete "them" and be more specific by replacing this word with: "the radio and television audiences"

When you begin the next sentence, you could use "In contrast". Also, you could change the word order: "...considerable growth in the morning, television viewers increased during the night."

2nd paragraph: There needs to be a change of word order: standing solely 7 per cent in the early morning, TV had a number of onlookers "there were only 7% of television viewers in the early morning, which exceeded..." The next sentence delete the word: "the" before similar and add " for both audiences".

Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: "Afterward, a large gap occurred prior to entering midday, in which a quarter percent of those in the United Kingdom were more likely to listen to radio..." After using percent, you can simply stated "watched TV".

3rd paragraph: Delete: witnessed by and change to "occurred with". I'm not sure about the ending.

Essays / APA Research Paper - an informative report on a local state, national or international topic. [3]

As I was reading your assignment, I noticed that it says you cannot give your opinion. Therefore, when you write your paper, it has to be facts. Here are some examples for topics:

1)There are numerous topics about health that can help you avoid discussing your opinion (i.e. cancer or other diseases, staying healthy, etc.)
2)You could discuss education. I was watching a program on television and it discussed how you can help students with innovative ideas. It listed rankings of student achievement in different subjects. Education is a good topic especially if you discuss STEM subjects. (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). This is a subject that is discussed often.

3)You could discuss poverty. Poverty is an international issue. You can avoid stating your opinion because there are many different articles that are written about this subject.

4)Another issue you could discuss is economic conditions or the job market. How are people getting jobs locally, nationally, internationally? What are their experiences?

If you are looking only on the internet, you can find sources. Your local newspaper could have information. There are other newspapers that you can look at online. There are journals that have information on a variety of topics too.

You can also be selective with information from your source. For example, you could choose information that seems to be more factual. Another method is to type your topic with quotes, "Statistics about Poverty internationally" and "Facts about Poverty Internationally" When you use quotes in the search engine and are specific, you can get more facts.

You don't have to choose poverty, but you can replace poverty with any other topic such as health, education, the job market, or any other subject you choose. If this is not giving you enough information, delete the quotes and broaden your search: Poverty Internationally. Overall, you want to type in your topic and begin your search.

I hope this helps!

Graduate / Endeavoring to Make a Change - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR SAN DIEGO TRANSFER MSW STUDENT [8]

I would like to give you some more suggestions for your paper.

3rd paragraph: You could begin your sentence with a transition word, "Although life gives us many problems, it is how we face them that matters." Combine two sentences: "My reason for wanting to transfer to your prestigious school is because my mother has been ..." (I think your errors exist because you try to give the reader too much information in one sentence). The third sentence, delete: in this time . The next sentence you need a comma: "At this time,..."

The sentence order needs to be changed in this paragraph: After you discuss your mother's diagnoses, you should use the sentence that tells about how you felt after hearing the news. (Correction for this sentence: When I heard this news, I worried about quitting school and moving close..." You can change it to a question a statement since these were your worries.)

Then discuss how you love your mother dearly (Correction for this sentence: delete in this time .)

Next, discuss how it's always been your mother's wish to finish school (Correction for this sentence: it's and add a comma after family).

Form a new paragraph. Add a comma: At this time, I live... The next sentence change it to: My sister is taking care of my mom, and I want to be there for them. It seems as if your mentor inspired you. You could delete as well and change it to "inspires me". The next sentence, delete without a doubt that .

4th paragraph: I can help you explain this "Currently I am interning, but I have interned before as an undergraduate..." (This helps reduce words in your essays). Since you named the school in the last sentence, the sentence can be understood without naming the school again. When you describe how students coped, delete "also" before coped. (Your explanations are good in this paragraph!)

Last paragraph: The first sentence add "a" before student. Nice Paragraph!

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Every day we live under some circumstances of choice - we rely on our own decisions [3]

I can help you with your essay. Here is a suggestion to help you with the beginning of your essay. There are really simple examples and well written. Yet, I would like to help you revise a few sentences: "...but by deliberately choosing our path each decision we must make when we make a decision, we turn exactly one of those possibilities into a reality." "As evident in both works of fiction and reality, our choices ultimately create the lives we have."

2nd paragraph: I know that you are under time constraints. However, I will help you with a slight error with comma usage: "...Kahlo became an internationally recognized artist and proved that our lives are mutable through our choices."

3rd paragraph: You could state: "On the other hand, our decisions can make our lives better or result in our downfall." (Although this sentence is simple, it helps to make a smoother transition). The beginning of the third sentence can be corrected: "He repeatedly is given..." The next sentence, place a comma after "him" and delete and . The next sentence it should be "eat him alive". Form a new sentence: "As a result, his life..."

4th: Incredible final paragraph!

The thesis and conclusion were good. Frieda Kahlo's example was explained very well. Yet, there were some mistakes in explaining the Scarlet Letter. Overall, well done!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - We're All Just Human - Thoughts on equality in less than 650 words [3]

I can help you with some of your essay.

The second paragraph, you join two sentences together with a comma. Change the comma after flaw to a semicolon.There is a missing word in the next sentence "I am". After you discuss a better place, you could say, "which depends on". Delete Nomatter and replace these words with "Nevertheless".

The next paragraph, I would like to address your last sentence. When you use a quote there are many ways to express your thoughts. You seem to be in agreement with this statement. You could simply state: I agree with those words. If you want to acknowledge the words, here is another suggestion: "When I read that statement, I became firm in my belief..."

When you begin the next paragraph you use "I" so you can delete myself in this sentence. You should revise your question. You could use "defend" rather than guard. I also think you should state:" ...world that they should listen to you?"

You could explain what females are capable of doing (i.e. achieving, success, anything, etc.).

The last paragraph, delete amgoingto and change to: will. Change these errors in the remaining sentences: "society as a whole, After all, we are not better than anyone else because we are all human."

Writing Feedback / The capacity of reading and writing is more necessary nowadays than it was before [3]

1st paragraph: Delete or not and For the sake of this discussion . You can change your word choice: "I argue that the ability to read and write today..." This is a good paragraph! You could add one or more sentences to make it better.

2nd paragraph: You can delete these words in the first sentence: it could be recognized that nowadays . Also, change at to "in".

In the second sentence, delete:What I mean is that. Also, change can to could. The next sentence, delete "do" and make a slight change: "job application and your mortgage documents". The third sentence, you should add a transition word: Also, when you come to a new place...read a map..." You needed "a" before place and map.

3rd paragraph: When you describe more than one person, place, or thing, you should change is to "are". Ex: "reading and writing are..." Another way to say great deal is "many". I noticed that you use the word "with" often. You can delete "with" when you use the word contact in this paragraph. Since you use the word most, you have to use the plural form "social networks".

4th paragraph: Some of your sentences would be correct, but there is an addition of words that are added that can be corrected such as: most jobs and many jobs. Delete of one and "of" after instead.

I think if you had one or more sentences, you could have a better conclusion. I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Self-introduction essay for scholarship / research and development in Korea [6]

Hello, I can help you with some of your essay.

You should state "19 year old". You explain that your father is a decoration worker. Would you like to say designer? There are some slight errors: "go to a university" and "I graduated". The last sentence you could state "one and a half year" and "graduate at the end of the year"

2nd paragraph: Here are some minor changes "different religions and cultures of others" and "can speak three languages fluently". When you discuss your band score, change got to "received" and state "on the test".

These are more changes needed: "in 2007", I'm unsure about covered around the Chinese atmosphere. The next sentence change of communication to "to communicate".Other changes that can be made are:

-uses English
-"has enabled me to have better communication with foreigners."
-"these language advantages will promote international, cultural, and academic exchange at the university."

I hope this helps you!

Writing Feedback / Parents should cook healthy food for their kids and constantly monitor their behavior. [4]

I would like to give you some feedback. The first paragraph you could change some words. The first sentence change several to "many" and children to "a child's". Also, add "the" after of. Here is a suggestion to help you end the last sentence:" school and parents influence a child's life."

When you begin the second paragraph, you should include information about the actions of the child that is unhealthy. This example is something that the child is unable to control.

You seem to have a good idea of children playing video games, their lack of physical activity, and unhealthy eating habits. You can develop these ideas because this will help you answer the question.

Graduate / Endeavoring to Make a Change - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR SAN DIEGO TRANSFER MSW STUDENT [8]

I can help you some of your essay.

1st paragraph- In the first sentence, delete the semicolon and "something ". I think it would be better to form two sentences.
Ex: I know it will be possible if I am granted admission..." Delete career wise . Change this sentence: "Also, I needed a school with staff and students who share the same passion I have for social change."

You could state: "An example that interested me... "This is just an example to help you avoid stating stood out. The correct way to avoid using this term in your essay is to state: "n-word". Delete in the mere fact that . "This word is taboo, but immensely used as an..." The next sentence, make two corrections: "...pave the way for fellow students to address sensitive topics and shed light on these topics..." Delete as well . The next sentence:I also hope to do it on into continue this in my future career.

The next sentence you begin discussing your career goals. Begin your second paragraph with this sentence. Excellent work with this paragraph!

Undergraduate / Mediocre purchasing power didn't prevent best possible education for me. KGSP Personal statement [4]

Hello, I can help you with your essay.

I'm not sure what you mean when you state "common purchasing power". It sounds interesting in English, but then you state you had "the best study". You could state: I always had good grades, thanks to my parents that realized and believed in my abilities since I was little." (When you use "study" I think you mean grades). Begin your next sentence with: "When I was sixteen years old..." Delete these words and replace them: engage in the university studies "study at the university".

Here are some more words that are similar to active that you could use to describe your personality: lively, energetic, etc.

You could replace adventuring. Ex: "Since I was curious about different subjects, I learned, on my own, the English language." The next sentence: "Despite taking some classes in art and design,..."

The next sentence you can make three corrections:
1) Delete "the" after the word life.
2) "draw the attention"
3) Place a period after art.

You can delete some words: "paid professional".

After you discuss editing videos, you need another sentence to explain how you became interested in South Korea. How did you learn about the designers in Korea. Ex: When I was a designer, I learned from browsing other channels that many talented designers..." I made this sentence to show you that as a reader, I would understand how you became interested in Korea. These details need to be added at the beginning of the sentence rather than using "Apparently". "This strengthened my determination to learn in Korea."

Last paragraph: Separate your sentences. Here are some corrections for your first sentence: live, and to , place a period after person. "This will contribute to my moral training and my maturity." When you join two sentences you need a semicolon: "...apprenticeship; thus, I will be able to contribute to the future in the labor market."

There was some good word choices in English. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / books and experience essay - reflections on the importance of knowledge sources [4]

I would like to give you some suggestions for your essays. I think you could change the word order in your first sentence: For many years, books have played a very important role in communicating knowledge to humans. I'm not sure about these next two sentences. Do you mean that a person's awareness and experiences improve when they read a book? Do you prefer reading information from books?

2nd paragraph: Here is a suggestion for your first sentence: "As a matter of fact, in past centuries, books and letters were rare and people were aware of their surroundings through what they saw or heard." Even though "Although the information then was not accuracy accurate at all, that is the it was the precursor of for getting information" and humans evolving contribution .

I would like to help you with word choice, which I will place in bold:
"As time has gone bypassed, experience was always a precious way to get knowledge as well as information collection to and create books." The next sentence: Change to "use their awareness" and add "their" before reader.

3rd paragraph: Delete Only. Also, some words needed to be deleted: "...people should travel more and practice more instead of staying at home and lying in the bed with books day by day." The next sentence is confusing. However, the last sentence in this paragraph needs to be deleted.

4th paragraph "of our own and making friends"

Last paragraph: Add "am" before keen. Do you mean that you enjoy experiences rather than reading books? Were you trying to state that people should learn by getting a great collection of books and experiences? Delete ourselves better and replace with "themselves".

Writing Feedback / Culture shock (two years in Delhi, India) [2]

I would like to give you some feedback.

I think you should delete "the main thing is". You could replace these words with: "People who experience culture shock don't know how to fit in..." The last sentence could read:" This culture shock occurs when...

There is a slight error when you begin the second paragraph:"... Kota, my hometown in Delhi, to...." The next sentence delete "with". Your use of commas is good, but remember to avoid too much space before the comma. Ex: "beautiful, package" and "Well, it"

The sentence that begins with the major ones is a little confusing . Here is a suggestion: "I experienced this while communicating with new people, paying for food, seeing an increase in prices, etc." I think the meaning is more clear with less details.

The next sentence you could make slight corrections: "...fit into the new surroundings, but then I did by best to..." The last two words in the next sentence should be "less homesick". Here is another correction for the last sentence: "...gave me strength and with time I learned..."

The last paragraph place a comma after Delhi. I think you should discuss how you have learned to adapt to your environment. This would mean you have overcome your culture shock.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent TASK_Family or Friends teach people more important lessons [2]

I can help you with some of your essay.

In the first paragraph, I want to give you a suggestion: Some people argue that whether the most precious points life lessons are learned by family or friends. Do you mean that one's childhood is usually spent with his or her parents?

2nd paragraph: "During childhood and infancy , children imitate every movement of their parents." You can delete some words in this sentence: On the other hand, it "This is when the bulk of their time is spent with their family."

In the next sentence, delete the comma after So. The next sentence, delete: the way of .I think you should avoid using main criteria because you would have to be very specific in explaining the criteria. Do you mean that children start to form their own thoughts during childhood?

Start the next sentence with another word: "These beliefs are the key factors in future decision making." Remember to capitalize "Therefore".

Writing Feedback / The Chart of Bulgaria people who wants to go abroad - IELTS TASK 1 [2]

Hello, I can help you with your summary.

Since this chart shows years in the past, your verbs should be in the past. There are two comparisons. Here is a suggestion: "The chart shows the percentage of those who wanted to go overseas in 2002, 2006, and 2008, and their level of education." This can be confusing, so I used the title as a guide. Change the last part of the next sentence "...those with a secondary education had the highest percentage all three years." When you summarize the information in this sentence, I think you could use highest and three to be more specific.

2nd paragraph: "at the end of the year" Delete "was solely " and change decreased to "increased". (The numbers show that it was at 18% and then ended at 32%).

-"secondary education programs". it seems decreased gently to "...this decreased to 59% in 2008."

3rd paragraph: You list more than one percentage so change the word to percentages. Also, you should list "..17%, 20%, 9%, respectively". In the next sentence, add an -s to the end of present and background. Delete in the . Place a comma after 59%.

Writing Feedback / Learn subjects useful VS learn subjects that we like. [2]

I can help you with your essay. In the introduction you should have more information to begin your essay. You could discuss how there are many subjects, but all subjects may not interest students. It is important to add at least two or more sentences to introduce the topic first, then state how your feel.

Here are some slight corrections: "...not regret learning them even..." "Yet, if we choose..."

"...useful ones if we put enough effort to study them". I wasn't sure about using vice versa.

The next sentence you need two changes: "not, depends". Place "the" before salary. Are you trying to state that we may search our whole life to find something interesting about a useful subject we are forced to learn? The next sentence you could state "subjects we like". Delete the space in cannot. Change the ending of the next sentence to "give up".

The last paragraph, you should begin with "In summary". Also, you should summarize some important points in your essay so you could have a summary with more information.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the percentage of Bulgarians categorized three sorts of education backgrounds [3]

I can help provide feedback for your summary.

In your first paragraph, you discuss education backgrounds and the years 2002-2008. This bar chart discusses traveling abroad and it states 2001-2006. This could be the wrong bar chart that was posted. I think you want feedback regarding another bar chart.

I can help you with some grammar mistakes in your writing, but you could still post the correct bar chart.

1st paragraph: You could state:" The bar chart compares the educational backgrounds and percentage of Bulgarians who planned to leave Bulgaria between 2002 and 2008." The next sentence change the word figure to "number". Add a comma after the word education and abroad.

2nd paragraph:"...standing at 65 percent..." You could change "percent" by making it one word throughout your paper or use (%). The last sentence "...it still was a higher percentage..." Remember to use the past tense since the years were in the past.

Undergraduate / Ambition describes me - UCF Undergraduate Essay Revision/Advice [4]

I can help you with your with your essay. You could change the word order in the third sentence: "I want to be the best and succeed in everything that I do." The reader will know that you want both without stating "all at the same time". The next sentence, you can delete some words: in the sense that I raise the bar for myself . You could replace those words with "and set high standards for myself". This is another way to say raise the bar.

I would like to change how you give credit to Mark Twain. You should add his name after these words: "I have always tried to live my life with this quote in mind by Mark Twain: ..." I'm unsure if you are trying to use aspirations instead of the word goals. I would replace the word satisfy with "set" if this is the meaning you want to express. Also delete: and get to where I want to be .

The next paragraph you define zeal, but I'm unsure about the last part of the sentence. Are trying to state "to reach your goals in life"?

Rather than being all talk and no action . I think you need a sentence that shows how you display zeal. You could address that you display zeal by being proactive. It is a good way to state that you take action. Also, you need additional information so you can answer the prompt: How would you use your ambitious quality to contribute to the UCF community? Would you volunteer, become involved in leadership activities, etc?

I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Bowdoin essay - The Common Good does not have just one, single definition. [3]

I would like to help you with your essay. I think that "common good" should be in all lowercase letters throughout this essay.

When I first read your essay, I was confused by this statement: Actually, it doesn't have a definition at all. . This will be confusing to your reader because you are trying to define it. Also, I looked in my dictionary and can't find the definition. However, more recent editions may define it. I think you are right when you describe it as having multiple meanings. The definition you are describing is what I would consider as selfless. A person is trying to benefit others through his or her actions.

There are few mistakes in grammar. In the second paragraph, place a comma after "out". In the third paragraph, you should delete the space between "within". Also, I would suggest replacing But with "However".

Here is what you really need to answer this prompt:
You should reflect on your own interests and experiences and discuss how you have demonstrated a commitment to the common good. Hint: The college's commitment is to the common good. They want to see if you are a good fit or if there college is right for you. If you decide to keep any of the information I have previously written, you can make the corrections as stated previously.

I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / My mother has shown me the right path to take in life among others how to giving back to community [4]

Hello, I can help provide you with some feedback.

You could begin your essay by stating: "My mother has had a significant influence on me, because she has shown me the right path to take in life by giving back to the community."

2nd paragraph: I think you should explain how the hobbies and activities relate to your career path. For example, a person may have difficulties deciding a major if they are artistic. This maybe difficult because using creativity would be an important aspect in a career. Another way to correct this sentence, is to give a simple explanation. Ex: "For example, I have many interests that make it difficult for me to choose a career."

The next sentence you use career and jobs together. You could use career instead of jobs, because you use this term throughout your essay.

There are some words that can be deleted in the next sentence:" She sets high standards for me to perform at the best of my ability." Here is a correction for part of the next sentence:"... gives me advice about what career plans I should make..." Change as to "so" in this sentence.

I am confused by the last sentence in the paragraph when you discuss driving connections. Do you mean solutions?

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / School uniforms, agree or disagree? They 'save us alot of time in the morning'. [2]

I can help you with your essay. I think you should begin your essay by discussing that there are different opinions about the topic of school uniforms. Then separate the next sentence: "Some dislike the idea of being required..."

You can also form a new sentence when you state: "Nevertheless, it's remarkable..." I understand what you mean by take a look around, but you need to add some words. Do you mean around the school or each classroom? You could also state "...you can see people of different age groups..." Separate your last sentence: "Therefore, you cannot judge a person by their looks or clothes because you wear exactly what they do" (Good statement!)

2nd paragraph: You should be more specific in the first sentence by discussing that uniforms save students time getting dressed for school. You could make a connection in the next sentence by describing that students may have limited choices wearing school uniforms, but this helps save them time. I'm going to suggest placing "really" in all lowercase letters. Also, here is a suggestion for part of the last sentence: "...to do, which is not to show off an expensive dress you purchased the other day, but to acquire new information and gain knowledge."

Undergraduate / The Hills of Haverford - Common App Essay attempt numero uno [4]

Hello, I would like to give you feedback. There is a correction I would like to give you: -Instead of use in its basketball courts, you could use "playing basketball". The next sentence, state: "...four-square, and the ball went over the hill and behind the fence"

The next sentence, place a comma after "ball" and change fell to "fallen". Delete the word "thoroughly" and state "retrieved the ball". You can delete these words: ball to the side of the street I belonged to . The last sentence, you could state: "Then I threw the ball back to my sibling, so..."

2nd paragraph: Here is a suggestion for your first sentence: "As I climbed the slippery hill, I grabbed nearby rocks and branches for support." The next sentence, place a comma after "hill". Add a missing word: "back at square one" The next sentence delete the word "just". Place a comma after reasoning. You could delete a word: "have succeeded". Here is another correction: "However, we didn't play more of the game, four-square, because I had spent one long hour climbing and I was too covered in sweat and dirt."

3rd paragraph: Change the word order: "During that time what I considered success, was another failure that covered me in pointless sweat, dirt,and stole one good hour of fun from my friends and siblings." Place a comma after entrance. I think you should combine the next two sentences: "As I reflected back to this flashback of failure,I learned that it's wise to accept unwanted advice and help from friends during a tight situation." (You could be more specific and replace tight with "difficult"). Change the end of the last sentence to: "...defeat, my weakness, and trying again with aid."

Most of the errors existed because of missing commas. This was a good recollection of your past. I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'I want to be brave instead of to be happy' - Admissions Essay (Transfer) [5]

I would like to help you with your essay. If you are to keep the details in the beginning it has to tell a story. You could change the word order: "This was my third high school I attended, and my first year in Bellingham. It was my junior year, when I wrote a conclusion to the "who are you" prompt." I'm not familiar with Bellingham. However, if it is not in California then you can be more specific "grey town and travel to California."

"In the future, I would rather be brave than happy." The last sentence you can delete worked and state "I have persisted..." If you want to avoid using things and these were your goals, you could describe it as "these were the goals I persisted..."

2nd paragraph: Nice word (lackadaisically)! Remember to delete the space that separates the last sentence in this paragraph. I'm unsure about this sentences meaning. Did you want to receive an associates degree in "Art History" and later pursue a master's in library science? The words "use majoring" and "Western" was confusing.

3rd paragraph: There are words that need to be deleted. "When I started to seriously consider a four year university, I had been living in Bellingham for about two years. It was around this time, that I finally started to think of this town as my home, which was huge for a former military brat. And Perhaps..." Change got to "received" in this paragraph.

4th paragraph: Place a comma after practical. no need for a four year school and high prospects for a job out of school beckoned. . But Art history should be in lowercase letters. Keep your description simple: "art history textbook of my mom's I read since I was twelve." (You could also use browsed through rather than read). Here is the correct word choice:"instant state of calm". Here is the last suggestion: "..were offered at Whatcom. I grew..." There needed to be two sentences because there was two much information in one sentence.

I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / College Essay (what do i bring the the campus that will enrich, life eprirences, personality) [4]

I can help you with some of your essay. I will help you with word choice.

Here is a simple change you can make "For as long as I can remember, my parents never really pushed me academically or to participate in extracurricular activities." There are two issues with the next sentence. Please state "fail or drop out". Also, place a comma after classes. Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: "However, because they did not constantly pressure me about my grades, it caused me to care even more" I would suggest avoiding beginning sentences with the word "And". You could use "That really pinned it in my head". I think you mean it left an impression or helped you to appreciate rather than pinned in my head.

2nd paragraph: Your second paragraph could begin with how you taught yourself how to handle situations. Here are some suggestions for other sentences: "Now I know what it is like to fail..." Neither of my parents attended a four year college although they both regret it they are still successful. "That is why optimism is one of my main characteristics. that anybody in contact with me can tell right away. I always look at the bright side and even . When it looks like there isn't the most obvious bright side doesn't exist, I try to create one and ensure a positive side." (You could also use positive outlook).

Last paragraph: You could begin your discussion with describing how you try to avoid sitting at home and watching television. Place a comma after boy, household, and wanted. These errors usually exist before the word "I". Here is a suggestion: The characteristics that make me who I am are getting better everyday. (If you are using and building upon them, they should be getting better).

Undergraduate / Rising above the occasion - my leadership qualities, inside and outside out sports - UC Statement [4]

These are some suggestions to help you with your essay.

1st paragraph: You could say: "When I was younger, I always..." The next sentence: "During elementary..."
"I never felt joy being praised or liked by others, because ..." The sentence in which your parents respond seems incomplete, when you use the word "though" at the end. You can delete "though".

2nd paragraph: I would like to suggest stating "volleyball summer camp" You should form two sentences when you describe your talents and tryouts. First, place a period after anything. Then form another sentence: "Yet, after tryouts, I observed my fundamental skills to be above average." I'm unsure if this is what you were trying to convey to your reader. Describe your transition to varsity as "As a result, I made the varsity team by sophomore year." Here is a suggestion for your next sentence: "My junior year, I became captain of my team and played with seniors".

3rd sentence: attracted more students than the bleachers can account for : You could say: "became overcrowded". To avoid "but" at the beginning of your sentence, you can replace it with "Yet, there was a momentum..." The next sentence state "fifth set, looks of weariness..." The next sentence place a comma after expected. I'm confused by the last sentence. Do you mean the motivational words by your coach? You can delete "game".

4th paragraph: When you use sequences it is confusing. You could use "My varied experiences of...outside of sports" Each experience you had probably was different because you were playing a sport. I also want you to notice that I only corrected parts of this first sentence. Place a comma after occasion.

I hope this helps!

Essays / Writing SOP without relevant work experience and 9 years after college graduation (BSc in geology) [5]

I can help answer your question.

If you write your SOP and anticipate a favorable answer, you should show concern about financial constraints. Yet, if this happened nine years ago then you should focus on your current situation. There are other concerns that are stated in an SOP, such as bad grades. Also, other concerns may be addressed.

For example, I noticed that you have a gap in schooling. You could discuss why this gap exists in your SOP. Here are some questions to think about that can help you as you begin to write:

1)Why are you interested in the field you have chosen to study?
2) What were you doing after you obtained your degree (i.e. financial institution)?
2)What skills do you use on your job that will help you transition to a graduate program?
4)Why did you choose this university?
5)How will this university help you succeed?
6)What are your future plans?

Undergraduate / Empty state UCF personal statement, obstacle in personal or academic life [3]

I can help you with your essay. After the first sentence, I would form another sentence. Ex: "I told her it was...". This will help the reader to follow the story better. Place a period after room. In this sentence you could also use "bothered" rather than ate at. The next sentence needs to be revised:" After telling her how I felt, I pitied myself and felt pathetic."

You should form a new sentence to discuss how you thought about how others may experience more difficult problems than you. I would suggest changing the next sentence to: " I had reasons to live and be happy." I suggested this change because you list reasons in the next sentence. Also, replace roof over my head with "home or place to live".

2nd paragraph- 1st sentence: You can either place a comma after could and own or delete "on her own". 3rd sentence: Delete the comma after realized and place a comma after mother.

Undergraduate / The heart beating inside me isn't the traditional Valentine's Day heart I always knew it to be. [9]

I can help you. If you are limited to 250 words, you can eliminate extra details. The specific detail about the direction of blood circulation being regulated by two valves can be deleted. I think you have answered the question. Your passion for studying science, especially the heart is clear.

Research Papers / The Effects of Peer Review on Writing--Research Paper [3]

I would like to help you with some of your research paper. The first quote by Liu and Hansen has some slight errors. If you still have that source available look at the quote to make the needed changes.

Purpose of study: You can delete your transition: "Inotherwords ..." You could begin this sentence in this manner: " It is both the physical and mental..."

The next paragraph needs the latter part of a sentence corrected:"... the goal of this study is to analyze the advantages of increasing grammatical accuracy and enriching contents, and the disadvantage of offering meaningless peer feedback."

The next sentence would benefit from a change in word order:" Many scholars have proved, through numerous research, that peer feedback strengthens and promotes writing skills."

The following sentence delete meanwhile and add a word " ...it cannot be ignored." I'm confused by the last sentence. Do you mean peer feedback must take into consideration students' preferences for it to be valuable or useful?

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Is health education the answer to the consumption of junk food? IELTS essay [3]

I would like to help you with your essay.

You could change the first sentence: Junk food consumption can be is undoubtedly detrimental to one's health. Here is an alternative way to begin the last sentence in the first paragraph: "Although it seems efficient,..."

I think this second paragraph is well-constructed or very good. Yet, I'm concerned that by stating the benefits, you maybe avoiding the question. Your opinion was regarding health education as an efficient measure, but not enough to stop the prevalence of junk food. Here is how you could change it: Does looking at the nutrients in foods help people avoid bad choices? What if the junk food is cheaper or tastes good?

You could add contradictions to help you. Ex: "Educating people about food can help them to maintain a healthy diet and refrain from eating junk food." However, this lifestyle could be difficult for them to maintain. This is a contradiction because you say that education will help, but this has to be a behavior that continues. This is similar to your opinion, because you think education is not enough.

If you continue to do this in your second paragraph, you will have more ideas to support your opinion.

3rd paragraph: Place "an" before effective. Place "in" before eliminating. Advertisements should be "advertisements".

4th paragraph: I was unaware that headachy was a word, but a better choice of word is "difficult". You could add two or more sentences to summarize for a better conclusion.

Undergraduate / The heart beating inside me isn't the traditional Valentine's Day heart I always knew it to be. [9]

I will give you some more suggestions:

Since this is a supplemental essay, I'm unsure if this is redundant. You are answering the question because you describe the heart (science) and you discuss the challenge. However, if you want to avoid being redundant you could be more specific. This would help your reader to understand why the structure and the function of the heart was difficult for you. Ex: Did you have trouble understanding the right or left ventricle of the heart? Did both pose a challenge? What made the heart so difficult to understand?

Additional suggestions:
"The heart is a unique system that is intertwined with the nervous and endocrine systems."*

*I understood what you were trying to convey, but you could use the word unique. This will help you avoid stating that the heart is a system "of itself".

This is a slight correction to that sentence "Only after diligently studying the heart, have I realized its complexity." This pushes me to dig deeper to understand it. " Since you have revised your paper, you can disregard this sentence I suggested: "After studying the heart, I realize that it is complex and this pushes me to dig deeper to understand it."

This is a slight correction too: "The answers should exist, but I feel I am asking the wrong questions."

I'm a little confused when you describe your relationship with the heart as "being acquainted with the heart" then being "bewildered". You could combine your thoughts: "After my dedicated research, I am still bewildered. However, it's nothing I can't handle. I will solve this enigma..."

I suggest deleting this sentence: It might even tell me its secrets itself .

Undergraduate / The heart beating inside me isn't the traditional Valentine's Day heart I always knew it to be. [9]

I can help you with your essay. Since you are telling a story in the past, I will help you make some changes.

As it turns out, "The heart beating inside me wasn't..." "When I was eight years old, it was quite the heartbreak."

The second paragraph, delete the word: terrifying. The next sentence should read: "Now nothing intrigues me more than my own heart."
"The heart is a system of itself ..." There needs to be a change in the next sentence. Replace the with "this". Instead of using the word dug, you could state "searched" or "I've diligently studied various..."

Here is a suggestion for the next sentence:
I think you should change the next sentence to reflect the complexity of the heart. "After studying the heart, I realize that it is complex and this pushes me to dig deeper to understand it." -This sentence reflects that you have studied it, it is not easy to understand, and you are willing to learn more about it. If you decide to make this change, you could use this sentence to start a concluding paragraph.

I hope this helps!

Research Papers / Like the Phoenix: Heavy Metal's Inevitable Rebirth (Research Paper for English class, Rough Draft) [3]

I would like to help you with word order and some other slight changes. There is a sentence that could be changed in the first paragraph. Here is a suggestion:

This is not to say that the non-metal music industries "Although other forms of music are not inferior,; rather, heavy metal is celebrated all around the world and the others have not yet reached has reached a higher level of acclaim."

I would avoid using Nowadays. You could replace it with "Today". The latter part of the sentence is confusing. Here is a correction: "..of sorts by because of the drastic changes in music."

I will make this suggestion to change the beginning of this sentence: "The art is no longer rooted in the heart and soul of heavy metal..." Those words needed to be added to help the reader continue to understand the subject matter.

2nd paragraph: I would delete the words: way back . You could say, "In a few decades, music will evolve..." If you are discussing the future, please be cautious about using past tense. I placed those words in bold to help you see the change.

"In the 21st century, society is incredibly negligent to the state of non-radio-friendly music, and metal is one of if not the most ignored in the world." I'm unsure about those words I have place in bold. Do you mean "playing unappealing music on the radio"? Also, the latter part of the sentence should be explained or this idea should be a new sentence. Is this a genre that is not being played on the radio as frequently?

I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak" - Tufts Supplement Essay about family, home, neighborhood, or community [8]

I would like to help you with your essay.

I think you answer the prompt because you describe your family situation. However, there is very little information regarding how you persevered. You have two examples that is very vague to the reader. You state that you learned to "move on". You also state: "I learned to lift my head up and push through the difficulty towards a brighter future."

Here is a suggestion that could help you:
1) Did you begin to work harder in school and get better grades?
2) How has that situation made you stronger today?
3) What was your motivation to succeed?

Undergraduate / College life, campus food, research institution, technical school, reputation; Why Virginia - Top 5 [3]

I would like to help you with some of your essay.

You could begin the first sentence in you essay with, "Some may believe..." The latter part of the sentence you could change argue to "believe" again.

The next sentence seems to be your personal belief. I would suggest beginning this sentence with a transition word: (Yet, In my opinion). Ex:" Yet, I feel..." Since this essay is about the top five reasons you want to attend this school, this will make it more personal.

I think the next sentence needs to be more specific. It should convey that it meets all of your criteria.

The next sentence delete "the" before college. I would also like to make a suggestion when you describe the college. You state don't cease to impress, but you could state "is impressive in this regard."