Writing Feedback / Assignment: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority? [3]

I wanted to provide you with as much detail as possible to make your essay better. Everything seems to be organized but there are some errors present that I have tried to assist you with.

In the first paragraph, this second sentence seems to be confusing. Did you mean to express that a majority of advocates support this idea, but others have a different perspective?

In the second paragraph, you should delete the hyphen in "incognizant". The second sentence has many issues. This is a sentence with very little punctuation so your ideas seem to be a bit confusing. Here is how you can change it:

1) Think about what you want to express to your reader.
2) Do you want to discuss the budget deficit then what economists admonished them about their policies? If you make this into two sentences, you can avoid a run-on sentence. Use a transition word such as "However", to discuss what the economists admonished.

3) When you add, "but when" you are linking ideas together which can work, but there are too many ideas in the sentence. By simply deleting these words and forming a new sentence, you can avoid a run-on sentence.

I am going to help you change two sentences in your paragraph:
"The finance minister resigned as a result and the people of Bangladesh learned some lessons. First, they learned not to trust the government's decision."

The next sentence use: "Second" as a transition word to discuss that the authorities can make mistakes.

In the third paragraph, when you discuss accounting fraud you say took recently. Did this take place recently? If this occurred, you can put "place" after took. You can delete the before advantage. You need a comma after Younus and enterprise.* Also, I had to look up his last name, place "entrepreneur" after enterprise in this sentence.

*When you want to describe a detail or introduce something that is off-topic you can add a comma (i.e. nobel prize winning). This detail can be included in the sentence and it works better with these commas.

4th paragraph: I prefer using, "In summary" when I want to summarize facts. I think this last paragraph needs to be revised because it is unclear. It seems as if you want to describe to the reader that people are bound to make mistakes. Also, place a comma after decisions and delete "the" in the last sentence.

Writing Feedback / Can an ideal job can be acquired with accomplishing study in university? IELTS [3]

I have suggested some changes to help you revise your essay. I also want to suggest that when you are quoting from a source, place quotation around quoted sentences. Always remember to cite your source in your paper.

1st paragraph: I think the first sentence in this essay should be changed. Here is a revision of the first sentence: Many people think that an ideal job can be acquired while study at a university. In the third sentence, place: "a" before job and delete "study in" before school. The last portion of this sentence is too confusing. If you want to combine the two ideas you could say that you believe that getting a job after finishing school high school has more benefits than working after graduating from a university. When you use the word, "than", you are going to be making a comparison between the two ideas.

2nd paragraph: You should change graduating in to "graduating from a university..." You could explain how there is a rise in unemployment present in every field of study. If this is taken from a source you could quote it and cite your source. Change the next sentence to: "For example, all universities have thousands of students who graduate annually..." When you describe the rest of the sentence you need to explain how there is competition that exists between newer and former graduates. Place "a" before university.

3rd paragraph: I think you need to explain how students are developed. This paragraph seems to be in favor of the idea that students should work after graduating from a university. However, you believe that finding work after graduating from high school is better. I think you should find a source that would support your position.

Writing Feedback / The famous people should also contribute to the social causes in our country. [5]

You have some evidence to support your view. However, I think there are too many topics that are in one essay. I will try to assist you with this so you can have a better essay.

When you begin this paragraph you speak about fabled people. Change this to:" ...that famous people...should contribute to the social causes in our country" You should delete part of the sentence that discusses renowned people because it becomes too confusing. When you discuss stars, you can delete unique ability and simply state that they influence the younger generation.

I think that you should change the order of your sentences too. Also, when you mention cancer, then you begin to discuss an HIV foundation. I think you can change the first sentence in the paragraph so that you can discuss both topics.

In the third paragraph, there are too many topics covered as well. I think the topic should be very specific.

I will help you with grammar and sentence order later.

Writing Feedback / CCTV and Body Scanners to improve humans safety and keep them from frauds [3]

I have suggested more changes to help you with meaning for your essay. I hope these changes will make your essay better.

Grammar changes:

1st paragraph:

1st sentence: "...important role in people's lives."

2nd sentence: Delete even and start the sentence with, "Some".

Last sentence: Are you trying to state that those tools or devices will make people lose their personal rights?

2nd paragraph:
When you state the example of the CCTV, you need to put "the" before room.
I would replace in conclusion with "Thus", because the paragraph needs more information that discusses CCTV. You should use the same transition word when describing Japan and Singapore. Here is the revision:

"For example, Japan and Singapore are both countries that have CCTV on every side of the street and in public places." Change criminal rate to crime rates.

3rd paragraph: Airport should be all lowercase letters. Change "to airport" to "the airport". I'm unsure if you want to use airport security rather than functionary.

4th paragraph: This is a good transition to use, but it is commonly used as, "In summary". Change part of this sentence to: "...a horrible effect on..." The ending of the essay needs to be revised completely. There should be more than one sentence to summarize. When you begin to discuss the public places that have CCTV, you should form another sentence. Also, you forgot to mention body scanners.

Writing Feedback / Decisions makers should not based their choice on emotions [3]

I have suggested minimal changes. There were some mistakes, but the paper is coherent.

1st paragraph: Decisions shouldn't be plural. Delete the -s. Base should be in the present tense. Delete the "d" in base. A general rule I try to stick to is to avoid starting a sentence with "because". You could replace it with decision makers. You could rearrange the 2nd and third sentence in this paragraph, because the 2nd sentence describes emotions and will lead into the next paragraph.

2nd paragraph: You need to clarify that there is a tendency not to evaluate situations if people act on their emotions. Indefeatable should be undefeatable. Justify should be in the past tense.

3rd paragraph: Tend should be tends. The key to using the word "an" in a sentence is looking at the first letter in the next word. If it begins with a vowel use "an" rather than "a". If it is a consonant, use "a" instead.

Many of the errors are minor in detail because you are not staying in the past tense. For example, launch should be in the past tense. You use "sentiments was" rather than "sentiments were".

The 2nd sentence toward the end of the paragraph: Delete "a" before turmoil, add -s to dollar, and delete first.

4th paragraph: Historical documents should be capitalized. The last two sentences need to be revised. I was confused by the ending.

Writing Feedback / Air leaks and heat loss in houses [3]

-I will help you to make any needed changes with your analysis of the diagram. I would first delete "the way" and replace it with "regarding". To make your analysis better, I would suggest describing in the next sentence how air seems to leak out of the upper rooms of the house.

-Place "the" before house. I'm confused by the air going out of the roof. You could possibly make it simple by describing how the air travels or goes out into the space of the roof. This sentence needs to be completely revised. Here is how you can change it:

"Then air escapes through the attic hatch when it enters in the middle room and also through two recessed lights, which are located above the kitchen and bathroom."

-In the next paragraph, the next sentence needs to be changed. Are you trying to describe the entire flow of air, including the air leaking in and out of the house?

-Revise part of the next sentence to read: "...windows, doors, and..." Change part of the next sentence to:"...parts such as the..."

Writing Feedback / CCTV and Body Scanners to improve humans safety and keep them from frauds [3]

I am going to give you some suggestions on how you can improve your essay. I feel that your essay could be organized differently. For example, you discuss CCTV in the 2nd paragraph and discuss it in the 3rd paragraph. You could discuss CCTV only in the second paragraph. Then you could compare how body scanners differ in the 3rd paragraph.

Ex:
1) Opening Paragraph
2) Discuss CCTV
3) Discuss body Scanners
4) Conclusion

The next 3 sentences in the 2nd paragraph seems to fit in the first paragraph of the essay. However, the first three sentences in the 3rd paragraph fit within the 2nd paragraph.

I will give you some helpful grammatical changes later.

Writing Feedback / Reducing the walking distance. [8]

I have made some more suggestions to help you edit your essay. I hope these changes will help you.

1st paragraph: I think you should change your tense. You should open with "It has been" rather than it is. In the next sentence, "the" should be placed before health. You can make "professional" plural by adding -s to the end. Delete the after maintaining. The next sentence needs to be changed completed. You should state that, "Yet, the interest of people walking is decreasing." (If this information is taken from a source, you can quote it. However, use quotation marks and cite the source). The next sentence place a comma after essay and capitalize, "I". I'm unsure what you will be analyzing. Is this a reduction in walking?

2nd paragraph: Delete "it is" before public. Change the verb have to "having a". You can make "factor" plural by adding -s to the end. Extreme should be extremely. Place an before increased.

3rd paragraph: ...due to the scarcity of land and space in most undeveloped and incipient countries, there are fewer footpaths for pedestrians.

4th paragraph: Change this sentence to: "On the other hand, the government should take the initiative to encourage people to walk."

Book Reports / Lack of Civilization Essay based on the Lord of the Flies [3]

A good way to determine if you are writing your essay according to the topic is to look up the word civilization. I looked up this word to help assist you. The definition refers to a complex society. When I read your essay, you mention the fires that they have to build. This would show that they were in an area that was undeveloped and not a complex society.

When you mention that they hunted, this is good to include in your essay because it shows how they lived and proves the lack of civilization. You are also showing how their behavior is uncivilized and they begin exhibiting savage behavior.

Nevertheless, an important detail you forgot to mention is how they landed on the island. You say crash landed, but you don't state that there was a plane crash. Remember to put this in the beginning of the essay!

Writing Feedback / The idea of free universities - what is your opinion? The quality is even more important question. [5]

I have given you some suggestions regarding how you can improve your essay. There are some transition words that I suggested. However, you have done well with trying to use transitions throughout your essay. Here are the changes by paragraph:

- It is good to begin you opinion essay with firstly. However, I suggest beginning with, "I believe almost all universities need financial resources..." In this first sentence, I'm unsure if you think almost every university need these finances and how you think they should be funded. Yet, this revised sentence helps the reader to understand that you are giving your opinion. You should use a different transition word rather than, "More seriously". You could replace it with, "Therefore". In the next sentence, you should begin the sentence with another transition word. Here is how you can change that sentence:

- "For example, the teachers would be dissatisfied with their salaries, so they could not devote themselves entirely to teaching and research work." Delete be suffered and change to, "would suffer". (You should use another transition word (Therefore or Thus) to begin the next sentence. The sentence you began the essay with would fit at the end of this first paragraph.)

- Place the word "a" before university. Change non-profit making to "non-profit organizations". I am not going to quote the next sentence, but I will show you how to change parts of it.

- "For example, tuition fees at the world's top universities.... their reputation for academic excellence". If you use academic excellence this means quality in education. You could also end with "their quality in education"

- I'm unsure about the sentence where you discuss how students are grown up enough. Do you mean they are mature enough? A better way to say this would be to state: "...students could take the initiative..." Change your transition word from Briefly to Thus. The last sentence is confusing. Do you mean that we should consider the quality of education rather than the amount we pay for it?

Writing Feedback / The idea of free universities - what is your opinion? The quality is even more important question. [5]

I think the first sentence in this essay should be in a paragraph. It is your thesis statement and will be developed through the details you provide in the essay.

I feel you should explain what education products you are referring to. Education products could be books, technology, etc. The books are usually from educational companies. If you could have a good source to explain this, that would be great.

Also, I would describe in more detail how a university education is free to needy students. This is interesting, because some Ivy league schools were not affordable to needy students. However, to make education accessible to everyone, they provided the necessary funding to help needy students. This could make your opinion stronger if you have a source that describes this in more detail.

I will help you with some grammar changes a bit later. You are doing quite well thus far.

Graduate / 'to apply the science of economics to specific issues' SOP PhD ECONOMICS [2]

When you are writing an SOP, you should begin my trying to intrigue the reader. I don't feel the first paragraph fits with the essay. When you begin to discuss your interests in economics starting in secondary school, this is a good start to your essay rather than starting the essay with a definition of economics. Here are some suggested changes for your essay:

-Form a new paragraph that discusses your master's program. That sentence should be changed to: ..."obtaining rigorous training in econometrics..." How did you obtain this rigorous training? Did you have an internship? Was it hands on experience? I would change the beginning of the next sentence to: "Due to this training, development economics is an area that I would like to further explore..." Also revise part of this sentence to read:

"...nations and how some countries are sometimes similar in almost every facet of growth, with some rising above pervasive poverty and others failing to do so."

-There is a sentence in the next paragraph that is confusing. I'm unsure what you are trying to state. Here is a suggestion:
"I desire to excel academically and build well tested economic models specific to my country". Also change part of this sentence to: "...pursue excellence, commitment, and impact lives positively, as this is the ultimate creation of true wealth."

-University should be lowercase. Also revise the end of the first sentence to read, "...thoroughness, which is necessary for academic research"

-If you do a Google search, type in "SOP writing" and click on Princeton Review from the listings. It gives some excellent but simple information regarding how you can write your SOP. You can check to see if you are on the right track. Also, have you done anything significant during your master's program that would make you stand out in your field of study? I would include this in the SOP if you have already made a contribution to your field.

Student Talk / I chose an Essay writing service [25]

There are many factors that make a good writer. I took a writing class for enrichment. However, I didn't realize that writing is more than making everything perfect. Writing is a process in which you jot down your thoughts and then you begin to revise when you want it to be read. Creative writing allows you the freedom to write. If you had a good academic record, then the university saw your potential as a student.

However, you should always try to write your own ideas. Everyone has a different writing style. When you write you own words and have someone help you to revise it, your essays become more heartfelt. I would encourage you to continue to write.

I'm unsure what sites are ethical, but the site should encourage you to write your own ideas. Yet, I know that the essays that I try to review are already written. Therefore, writers are helped to improve if they see a pattern in their writing and continue to make improvements.

Scholarship / Details and evidence of voluntary service to the local community. Scholarship essay. [4]

I have provided some slight changes. Please check to see if this meets the 200 word requirement after you have made slight corrections.

1st paragraph: In the second sentence: Place "the" before anti-drug. Also, place "the" before flooding.

2nd paragraph: It seems as if you are discussing categorizing waste and properly storing wastes. Here is a suggestion on how you can improve that sentence:

"The Clean Up Vientiane campaign aimed to raise awareness about properly storing and separating solid waste, by educating students from primary, high schools, and universities."

Place "the" before distribution. Change part of this sentence to: "This program has provided me experience in a leadership role, which..."

3rd paragraph: Change has to had. It seems as if you should end the last sentence with..."that resulted in great work".

Graduate / My goal to study medicine all started out with my brother being diagnosed with diabetes [8]

I have given you some suggestions on how you can improve your paper. I hope that these changes will help you.

1st paragraph: I would express how having a deeper understanding of the disease helped you to understand human biology. At the end of the paragraph, it starts to get confusing. You should continue to express how learning about the proper management of diabetes has given you a sense of dedication.

2nd paragraph: I would suggest rearranging this sentence to: "My desire to become a physician, led me to shadow an internist who helped me to understand the clinical aspects of the profession". Change part of this sentence to: "...emphasized caring for patients..."

3rd paragraph: In this paragraph, I think the part of the sentence that focuses on taking cell biology is more relevant than the participation in clubs.

4th paragraph: I think you need to have a better opening paragraph because it needs to make a good transition between your college experience and real world experience. I think you should express how college prepared you to work in the medical field in some capacity.

5th paragraph: I think you need a good transition to end this last paragraph. (Ex: Therefore, Thus, etc.)

Scholarship / Details and evidence of voluntary service to the local community. Scholarship essay. [4]

There are very few changes that need to be made. I'm unsure if your scholarship requires you to have only 200 words. However, I have provided some

changes to help with your essay. First, you should form two paragraphs. Your second paragraph should begin when you discuss joining the flood protection program. I'm unsure if your post requires you to have only 200 words. However, I have provided some

Here are some grammar changes:

1st paragraph: In the first sentence place "a" before variety. You should describe what you were doing with the anti-drug. Was it a campaign?

If so, put anti-drug campaign. The second sentence: place "a" before group leader.

2nd paragraph: Change part of the first sentence to: "...between the ages of 25..." You should also include your last sentence in the first paragraph.

Good Job!

Writing Feedback / The process of technology has contributed to the medical equipment and treatment; people live longer [3]

I have provided some changes. I have given you some ways to improve. I hope this will be helpful to you and make your essay better.

1st paragraph: I would revise this sentence to: "...why people's lives have been prolonged, two..."

2nd paragraph: Here is a suggestion on how you can improve this sentence:
"First, as technology has contributed to advanced medical equipment and treatment in recent years, the medical standard in society has improved." The sentence regarding being diagnosed with certain diseases is confusing. It should begin by stating: "For example, when patients are diagnosed during the earlier stages of diseases, some terminal diseases like cancer are treatable under a doctor's control" You have to explain to the reader who you are referring to, so using patients will help the reader to understand your example. In the next sentence, change decreasing to decreases.

3rd paragraph: I don't think this paragraph fits with the other information in the essay.

I think this essay needs to be revised because it begins discussing medical equipment and treatment, but then shifts to the senior citizen population. It does not mention geriatric care or medical equipment such as wheelchairs, walkers, etc. Also, it does not discuss how certain diseases are treated in the geriatric population, (senior citizen) that helps them to live a longer life. You could possibly add more information to the 4th paragraph to discuss this more. Whatever you discuss, make sure it fits with life expectancy. For example, how does receiving money annually help a senior citizen live longer?

Graduate / Applying for International Business, Entrepreneurship and SME Management program (Maastricht) [4]

I hope these changes will be helpful to you. They are in order by paragraph.

1st paragraph: Change "the" to, "a" when you describe being exposed to German and becoming bilingual. I think you should describe learning Spanish and English, I think you should change part of this sentence to: "due to its importance and necessity in international affairs". Place "a" before career.

2nd paragraph: Place a comma after issues and graduation in this paragraph. The last sentence I would delete "leave and".

3rd paragraph: You should state when you received your bachelors. For example, if someone wanted to apply for a master's program, they could begin by stating: Many years ago or give a specific time frame such as, "Three years go, I graduated with a bachelor's degree" Place a comma after studying. Place a period after Comenius. Start a new sentence using, "This". Don't capitalize university. Place a comma after assistant. Since you were acquiring the skills in management, you should state: "...and developing my management skills." Change part of this sentence to: "I also worked for a scrap-metal trading company and my job consisted of traveling to the..." I would change part of the next sentence to: "...substituted for my inability..."

The next sentence you can revise it to state: "...the SME..."

4th paragraph: Place a comma after school. Delete mid before teenage and place a comma after years. There is a misspelling of programming. Place a comma after example. The last sentence, change part of the sentence to: ...programming, because it is a good..."

5th paragraph: The first sentence needs to be changed. I'm not sure if you like this university because of its international affairs program. Don't start the sentence with a very obvious reason. You can use a transition word. Ex: However, the reason... Place "a" before high. Change to: "...there is a greater possibility...on an international scale". Place a comma after UM. Place "the" before SME and make course plural by adding -s to the end. Change this sentence to: "I expect this program..."

Writing Feedback / Charity organizations should offer help to everyone in need. [3]

You did a really good job with your transitions in each paragraph. However, you should add at least two more sentences to discuss your opinion. Here are some changes I have suggested for your paper. The corrections are in order according to the paragraph that was written.

-I think you should replace structures with organizations. Place a comma after conclusion. Also, there is a misspelling of "analyze".

-In the second paragraph and first sentence, I think you should replace of with "from". Change the next sentence to: "First, the life of the citizens has a big effect on the country's economy." Here is an example that shows you how you can change the next sentence: "For instance, the money charities give to aid poor people would raise the standard of life, which would further lead to economic growth."

-When you describe transfers from outside you should be more specific. You discuss other countries early in the paragraph. You could say in your example that this country relies on help from other countries or nations. This will help clarify or make your ideas more clear. In the next sentence, place a comma after others and add "a" before country.

-You should end your paper with a different transition word. You could use, in summary or in conclusion. Place a comma after concerned.

Writing Feedback / Hang it up - technological devices considered as learning tools may cause major distraction in class [4]

These are some additional changes that could be made. You did a good job!

-There should be a space between and cell phones throughout the essay.

-I think you begin this second paragraph by forming two sentences. Place a period after teacher. Start a new sentence beginning with: "She discusses whether..." I think distraction should be distractions. Look at the article to see if this is an error. Remember to place quotation marks around statements that are directly quoted from the article.

-I think this sentence should be revised: "For example, if students are paying for college fees, and if they are texting in the classrooms, that is their loss." When you discuss the movie theater, place "the" before sound and change your tense to: "people who were focusing".

-The beginning of the last paragraph should have a different transition. In short could be changed to, "In summary". You can end the essay with, "need it in case an emergency occurs".

Writing Feedback / Colour is a great instrument which influence more and more consumers [3]

Hopefully, you have had some time to make some changes. I am going to be providing some more feedback.

1st paragraph: Place "a" before lovely and company. The second sentence should be, "people go shopping". When you end this sentence, I feel you are trying to state that the inevitable choice is a bright color. Is that correct? The next sentence you have to revise because it needs to express how the brighter vegetables and fruits seem riper than darker foods.

To end the paragraph you need to discuss what you state in the last sentence. For example: "Similarly, vibrant color products can influence people considerably when they buy products." I used the last sentence to end your essay to coincide or relate to your first paragraph. If you are stuck or confused about a thesis statement you can read the first and last paragraph of a rough draft to see if everything is easily understood.

2nd paragraph: Would you like to use color rather than colour? I feel that in the first sentence you need to explain the role of the company in selecting color. The manufacturer distributes the goods, while the company is involved in the selection of the color for a specific product. Place 'the' before decisions and change to..."is likely influenced by colors they are interested in." When you describe retail, you should change company to companies. Do you want to state influence rather than hypnotize? Add -s to pattern. Change cloth to clothes.

3rd paragraph: I would use a different transition word to begin this paragraph and revise it.
Ex: "Therefore, it is arguably young people who are more interested in buying clothes in strong colors."

It is difficult to understand the information in this source regarding Indonesia. You should look at the source again. If this is copied directly from the source it needs quotation marks around the sentences that were copied. Remember to cite your source. Change to: "As a result, the more creative color designs of products company produce, the more people have a tendency to buy."

4th paragraph: Delete obviously. Change the last sentence to "can influence".

Writing Feedback / When choosing a career, financial gain should be the most important consideration. [6]

I have provided you with some suggestions that could make your essay better. I hope that you will be happy with the results.

1st paragraph: In the first sentence, place the word "be" after should not. There are many ways you can say sleep quiet. Would you like to say rest easily or have a good night's rest? Replace anyway with another transition word. You can use However, Yet, etc. You should change: ...I believe to be happy... with "...I believe being happy..."

2nd paragraph: First, move the 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph to the end of the paragraph. This should be your last sentence. Place a comma after "For example" and "factory". Delete the comma after depressed.

Do you want this number to be $10,000 a month? I'm unsure about the meaning, lifetime with money. Would you like to say happiness with money? Change the first part of the last sentence to: "Therefore, the kind of work you do is..."

3rd paragraph: You can change suits to "is suitable". Delete many time of and replace with "much". Place a comma after "cases" and "Thus".

4th paragraph: Place a comma after, "In conclusion" and "On the one hand".
I would suggest changing part of the sentence to: "... to sleep easy and have the ability to pay your bills".

Book Reports / How Spatial Confinement Reveals Hedda's Feelings of Oppression - Hedda Gabler Lit Analysis [3]

I have given some suggestions that could help you in your analysis. Here are a few suggestions that I think maybe helpful:

Personally, I think you should form a whole sentence in the beginning stating how Hedda is faced with spatial confinement. When you mention the other two types of confinement, it seems as if the whole topic changes. I was unsure of the meaning, "vanilla wife", so I looked up the term. I would avoid using this because there are too many renderings of this term. Simply, stating that she tries to be the supportive wife will suffice.

I would form a new sentence when you begin the last paragraph. You can use a transition word in the beginning to make a smoother transition into discussing your analysis of the story. I feel that you don't have to use the word enclosure, but using struggles is a better way to describe the difficulties that people face in their daily lives. Also, you mention that the house was trapped in debt. There is an expression that discusses how the "weight of debt hovers over a person". Do you feel this adequately describes the situation? You could end the essay just by stating "...her untimely death".

Writing Feedback / Colour is a great instrument which influence more and more consumers [3]

I am going to suggest that you rearrange you paragraphs. The 2nd paragraph would be your first paragraph. The 1st paragraph would be your 2nd paragraph. I want you to rearrange them, because the vegetables could be an interesting introduction that leads to consumer trends in buying a certain color product. The the last sentence in this paragraph discusses young people.This relates to the third paragraph that discusses young people as well. Then you can conclude the essay with the last paragraph.

Here are some changes I began working on:
2nd paragraph (Formerly your first paragraph): Throughout the paper do you mean color?. I think you mean that the manufacturer's produce different color product's to attract consumers. However, this leaves the company out of the decision. I would suggest stating that the company decides the choice of colors for their products and then sends this information to the manufacturer so they can fulfill this order. Here is how you can change part of the next sentence:

"...how the decisions individuals make to purchase some goods appears to be influenced by the colors they are interested in..."

3rd paragraph: Please look at the quote again regarding Indonesia. You can quote directly from the quotations. Remember to place the quotes before the first word quoted and at the end of the last word quoted. Also, cite your source in this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Four different subjects which are attended by secondary school students from 2000 to 2009 [3]

I hope you can make these changes. They will help your analysis and improve your writing.

1st paragraph: These are different "types of schools". It is better to explain it in these terms rather than subjects because these schools may have different teaching methods or environments that make them different than other schools. I would also state the years 2000, 2005, and 2009. The chart only mentions these three years. You could begin the next sentence stating, "Also, the table shows that the community schools experienced the lowest overall percentage during those years."

2nd paragraph: Make the word student plural by adding -s to the end. Voluntary should be all lowercase letters. Change to: "were considerably higher". Replaced witnessed with was to explain the percent. Also, percent is only one word. Please don't forget to make this change throughout this paper. When you compare community and specialist schools you should begin by stating, "In this same year". If you don't identify the year, then it becomes harder to look at the table and see if you correctly explained it. These last two sentences need to be revised. You should group similar ideas together. For example:The 20% percent in 2009 is data that refers to the voluntary- controlled schools. You also explain this in the first sentence.

3rd paragraph: A date is not stated in the first paragraph, so it is difficult to understand. If you include a date, it will be easier to read. I think you are trying to compare the data for community schools in 2000 and 2005. Is that correct? You could revise the next sentence to read: "This school had the highest attendance than the other schools." I would discuss how the attendance rate for grammar schools dropped in the same year.

Essays / Medical Laboratory Technology - how to write "Field of specialization studied in the past" [2]

Hi, I would be glad to assist you. It seems as if you are studying for your master's degree. You should write about Medical Laboratory Technology because it was your field of study.

You need a good opening paragraph that begins to describe why you choose your field of specialization. Then you should describe your achievements. Were you involved in any special projects in which you gained experience? Did you do any research in the field.

I feel that you are in the early stages of developing your essay. You need to write a rough draft to compile your thoughts and write down specific details that you can remember about your field of study. In the rough draft you want to discuss what makes you a student that should be chosen for a master's program.

Here is a broad outline you can follow:
1) Write an opening paragraph that makes the reader interested
2) Discuss the Medical Laboratory Technology and any research or achievements
3) Explain why you are interested in the Medical Microbiology program. Will your Medical Laboratory Technician background relate to this program?
4) Discuss why you chose to apply to this university and how attending this university will help you in your future goals or endeavors

Writing Feedback / Market Share of Mobile Phone between Nokia, Sony, Samsung, LG, BenQ and Motorola [3]

There are only some slight changes that I have suggested.

When you begin your analysis, I would describe it as market share like the title suggests rather than use consumer's proportion. Percent should be written as one word.

I would suggest changing part of your sentence in the opening paragraph to:
"However, a more detailed analysis shows that three mobile...."
Make the word year plural by adding -s to the end. You could change "Following this" to another transition word if you choose (i.e. Furthermore).

I would place a comma after 7.4% and change the word sequentially to "respectively".

You did an excellent job with this last paragraph!

Writing Feedback / Two totally different opinions about how we can prepare our kids to be good community members [7]

I have provided you with some suggestions to make your essay better. Please continue to use these suggestions as you continue to write.

1st paragraph: Since you use rapidly I would add -ing to change. It would read, "...rapidly changing..." This means that it is constant. If you use behave, then you should use it throughout your essay. However, the question may involve more than just behavior. (It would involve manners, good work ethic, etc). You don't have to put "the" before society. When you state, "behave their children" it sounds confusing. You could simplify your sentence, and use the word help. Then describe how the parents are going to help. Then you can look back at the question and state that the parents will help them be better members of society. Here is the revision:

"Some people think it's the role of the parents to help their children to be better members of society, but others think that school is the best place to learn this."

2nd paragraph: Advice is not plural. You can delete the -s. I think word choice is important. I would suggest changing a matter of fact to "an opinion".

3rd paragraph: To change learn to the past tense add -ed to the end of the word. Learnt would be learned. Rearrange these words to: "Their beliefs also have..." There is a quote that it incorrect. "Can them learn" is confusing. This quote could be, "can they learn". Change to: they acknowledge.

4th paragraph: In the first sentence change, "can we" to "we can". Sometimes when you don't have an opinion, you should state that you feel that both opinions are not wrong. Delete the hyphen in cooperation. The meaning of the next sentence is unclear. The last sentence, you could delete "in behaving children".

Writing Feedback / The table shows the number of students living in the UK gaining teacher training qualification [2]

This table is very difficult to see. However, I will do my best to help suggest some changes.

I think you should end the last sentence with a different transition word. Instead of beginning the sentence with "Noted", you could begin with, "However".

The next paragraph, delete is before shows. You can delete "were a" and change it to: "degrees significantly increased".

Delete the word "Moving". You can add a transition word (i.e. Yet, However, Nevertheless) and start the new paragraph by beginning with: "a more detailed analysis form the table reveals..."

I'm unsure if you mean if it "narrowed considerably". Place a comma after considerably and 31,945. Change to: "at the time in question".

Letters / The letter to express my dissatisfaction with my roommate. [3]

I hope that these changes will help you. I know that there are quite a few changes, but I think this will help you with your letter.

1st paragraph: Roommate is one word. You can delete the hyphen. In the next sentence, delete with before room. Change the next part of this sentence to: "but I cannot sleep if I stay in that room." I would add, "For example" before the next sentence because you are going to be discussing your feelings about the situation. Change part of the sentence to, "makes lots of noise".

Change the word listen to its plural form by adding -s to the end. There needs to be a change in this sentence to: "switches on the radio". Delete "the" before night. Do you mean makes video chat calls? Add "and" before there in this sentence. Also, I think you need to place the sentence that begins with, "Although" at the end of your first paragraph. Delete the -s added on to change.

2nd paragraph: Your next paragraph should discuss your feelings about the environment. Change part of this sentence to: ..."is very difficult to sleep in and I need a quite room". I'm not sure what the next sentence is stating. Do you want to be moved? It seems like you are willing to stay because you say next time. If you want to make a request if the situation is not resolved, you could discuss how your request depends upon if there is no response to a warning. If you want to be moved then you should describe this. It maybe confusing when your request is read.

I would end the letter with "Sincerely" rather than Your faithfully.

Writing Feedback / The status of Japanese citizens in total - population statistic [2]

Please look at the chart and table again. This will help you as you write your comparison and ensure you have accurate details.

I would just explain how both the chart and table show the total number of Japanese citizens who are over 65 years old. Then you could form another sentence stating that the chart calculates the population every 5 years from 1950 to 2015. I think this chart shows that the population will decrease, but the number of those over 65 will increase in 2035. The next portion of this sentence seems too confusing. You could change it to:

"In 2055, the number of individuals who are 65 years and older will increase the most". You could also end this sentence by stating..."will increase in the Japanese population."

These are suggestions to help you improve because the reader needs to know who the people are in this age group.

If you want to begin the next paragraph you should state, "A more detailed analysis shows that..."

Your last paragraph, you begin to discuss the overall population in Japan and then discuss those who are over 65 years old.

Undergraduate / My trip to the land of opportunities! I am not afraid of challenges anymore. [3]

I hope that you will understand these changes. You did a great job at explaining your story. There are some changes that need to be made to help with meaning. I hope you will be pleased with these changes according to each paragraph that was written.

-I would use the word petrified or state you had mixed emotions rather than double emotions. Petrified defines it better because it can leave your body frozen as you described. There is a common informal expression that you have used. You can state you came to your senses. Change this sentence to: "After an 18-hour trip from Libya to Italy, we finally arrived in the land of opportunity".

-What do you mean when you describe the strangers buzzing? Did you have difficulty understanding the language so the sound was similar to a mumbled sound? You can describe it as a difficulty with understanding the language. Place a comma after 2015. You can delete "in my whole previous life" from the next sentence. It changes the meaning of the sentence. Place "The" before language. Change open to "opened", because you are describing details in the past.

-There needs to be a transition word or statement to describe how you met the immigration officer.
Ex: Afterwards, I met a woman at the airport who assisted me. Later that day, I met an agent who helped me purchase a ticket.

The transition words in bold are examples that will help you explain how you met the immigration officer. It will make your essay easier to understand.

Change how you state your interaction with him to: "he asked how I felt".

-When you describe how your wife's friend was glad to meet you, you forget to include that you arrived at your destination. You should discuss this before you write about greeting her. Is the tradition to show hospitality to your friends?

-Change the opening sentence to: "One of the funniest things that happened to me during my first day in Canada..." Delete laterally and place a comma after family. Change laud to loud. I think you should change your statement about being behind the time. It seems as if you felt like a beginner at understanding the region and customs.

-You should state, "a teacher's joke', when you describe your understanding. You should change parts of these sentences to: "the hard work and time I spent was rewarded by reaching this level. There are not enough words to..." I think you should describe what level you reached. Did you reach a better level of understanding or mastery in English?

-When you describe your strong will, change "were the" to "was". Also describe this fight you had as: "fight within me" Change consider to "feel". When you end your essay, do you have one goal or more than one goal in life? If you have more than one goal, you can describe it as you are ready to take the next steps to reach your goals in life.

Essays / To Live and Let Live [3]

This essay is a broad topic because the idiom allows you to write about many topics.I'm not sure what assistance you may need. However, I first looked at the definition to get a better understanding regarding the meaning of this idiom.

Let's start with meaning:
Live your life the way you want to, regardless of what others think of you (Urban Dictionary)
We must be accepting of thing things as they are and not try to reverse or change them (Cambridge Dictionary)

Choose a topic:
This topic has been made into a movie called Live and Let Live (2013) about the history of being a vegan.
What is your view about the subject? Do you feel it is good to have this attitude about life?
What are the positives and negatives of this view?

Organization:
If you have to support your position, choose good sources. Remember to cite your sources.

Writing Feedback / Write a letter to this person for an English lesson [ielts writing] [4]

You are doing quite well with your English skills. I have suggested a few changes to help you and provided some examples so you can improve your writing.

When you address the person you have to change your verb to the past tense. You can rearrange the sentence and state: "I moved into the neighborhood last year".

Change the meaning of the next sentence to show that you looked at a website. "I looked at a website and saw you were..." I'm not sure why U of A is separated. Is it really UA? I would suggest that you spell the name of the university and avoid using an abbreviation. Delete as you can see and start the next sentence with, "There". Place a comma after but and also when you describe completing assignments. I'm not sure what you are trying to describe when you discuss the master's degree. Were you trying to spell the word defense?

You can combine English and speaking. Ex:...in speaking and writing the language. If you want to describe how you were recently employed at a location, you should state that in the beginning of the sentence. Ex: Recently, I was hired part-time at the Gap in Mall of America. You have to change your punctuation in this next sentence because you are asking a question. Ex: Would it be convenient for you to have my cooking lesson scheduled for Monday? You can use this question as an example to revise your own question.

The next sentence you should change hold to held. In the following sentence change will to would.

Graduate / 'Since my early days as a child I was fond of exploring how things work' - Applying for Master Study [7]

There are only slight changes that I have suggested. These are only minor grammar changes that will help your essay. Read it once more. I feel these are the last changes that need to be made. In the third paragraph and third sentence place a comma after environment. The 4th paragraph and 3rd sentence change to, "warn him about". The 5th paragraph and 1st sentence: "made me become actively". The 6th paragraph: Don't capitalize quest. The 7th paragraph and 2nd sentence change to: cooperation with the industry. Also, change last sentence to: "high level of energy"

Graduate / Explaining what is my motivation for being a Physician Assistant. [6]

I would watch your tense as you are writing. If you are speaking in the past, you want to make sure you think about should I be using is or was. It is not uncommon to do this if you are writing a rough draft and speaking from the heart. I want to give you some helpful suggestions as well. I would make father lowercase in this essay. Also, remember to spell check. You are correct when you suggest that the two paragraphs should be switched. Here are my suggestions:

1. You could make a statement at the end of the first paragraph such as, "However, this was not the path I started on." You could phrase it different, but it is a suggestion that allows you to transition as if you are going to tell another story. This will explain how your path started with nuclear medicine and then you became interested in the PA career.

2. Now you should change the order of your paragraphs. I was thinking you should begin the paragraph with the second sentence that discusses how you worked while you were in college. You would infuse both sentences together to make a new paragraph. I am not going to quote your sentence directly. Here is how some of the infusion would read: "I worked full time during most of college and continued my education... where I became enamored..." You should end this paragraph with the sentence that ends with patient management. Your last two sentences in this paragraph will be moved to end the following paragraph. Don't delete these sentences!

3. I was thinking you could start the sentence with, "One day". I don't know a time frame that suggests when you encountered this PA. It's very broad, but if you think of a better transition you can add it.

4. The next paragraph you begin to discuss your current position. You could use a transition word (However, Yet) to open the paragraph. After Paget's disease I would put a comma and etc. I would suggest using a synonym for, "More often than not". You could use "Generally". When you discuss what your job has taught you, you should place the word "develop" before quick-thinking and "be" before empathetic. Finally, end the essay without an apostrophe.

Please read your essay again after you make changes and change the order. I hope you will like this new arrangement.

Graduate / 'Since my early days as a child I was fond of exploring how things work' - Applying for Master Study [7]

You have done quite well. There are only slight changes to be made. See my previous post for my previous suggestions to ensure you have made the needed changes too.

Capitalize "Sir or Madam"

1st paragraph: Change have developed to had developed.

2nd paragraph: The third sentence change to: "reinforced me with a" . When you discuss your class distinction change to: Bachelor bachelor course with a First first class with distinction. If you received it four times this is how you can revise it: "Also, the college awarded me with a cash prize for four years, for maintaining high grades." I hope you like this change, because it shows that you received this prize for four years.

Scroll up to see the change that I made for the fourth, fifth, 6th, and 7th paragraph. Those changes should be made as well. I want to make sure your last paragraph looks like a paragraph. When you discuss having a strong academic background, that should be apart of your last paragraph too. See my previous post.

Graduate / Explaining what is my motivation for being a Physician Assistant. [6]

I focused on meaning when reading your essay. I think a slight issue that I experienced in reading it was finding the connection between each paragraph. Your first sentence in each paragraph should help make a smooth transition with regard to what you will be discussing next. There are minimal changes I suggested.

I really understand your passion to be a physician's assistant. I understand the health fields. Yet, I'm unsure if the opening paragraph is a bit too graphic. Also, there is a slight gap in your story. I was trying to understand your transition from describing your interest in nuclear medicine to continuing your education. I think you should first describe how you attended college and worked. You don't have to capitalize cardiologists. In your last paragraph, father should be lowercase. I think you could describe your roadblocks as hindering your goals. Since this is a motivation essay, you could discuss in the next sentence how this was motivation for you to become a PA. I'm unsure about this next sentence. Do you mean that you have family support to reach your dream?

Graduate / 'Since my early days as a child I was fond of exploring how things work' - Applying for Master Study [7]

You have done quite well. I want to suggest some minor changes you can make. I think you should read your paper after these revisions. The paper sounds really good.

Is higher secondary school actually high school? (You don't have to change it if you feel the reader will understand).

2nd: You need to add "the" before faculty in the first sentence. The third sentence I would change this to, "... study of engineering reinforced in me a ..." Bachelor and first should be lowercase. I want to help you revise this sentence. Please change the order: "Also, my college awarded me with a cash prize for maintaining high grades all four years."

4th paragraph:In the third sentence you could make this change: ...about different road obstacles...and making the drivers

5th paragraph: Delete academics and just end this first sentence with "become actively involved in extracurricular activities".

6th paragraph: Open this paragraph with "My quest" to make it personal. In this paragraph, you start a sentence with "And". You should start it with, "I" instead.

7th paragraph: When you discuss scientific partnerships, you could end the sentence with, "within the industry". There is too much space. There are five sentences that should be within this paragraph, because it sounds so nice together. It is just a small formatting issue because you probably pressed enter after typing the next sentence.There is a portion of the last sentence of the essay I would suggest changing to "look forward to" rather than look forward for.

Essays / Argument Essay: Environmental Sustainability [5]

If you are to write a thesis statement it has to have some connection to environmental sustainability. This involves taking action to protect the environment to sustain life on earth. Therefore, if you present an argument on global warming it has to be in connection with environmental stability. For example, a thesis statement may present how profits to increase awareness for global warming has not solved the environmental changes that need to be made. This is a very broad thesis, but you want to be more specific. A helpful hint to help you write a thesis statement is to first gather supporting evidence for your topic. If there is enough information, you could write a good thesis statement. Sometimes you could begin to write a thesis and after the research is done and the paper is written, it doesn't support your original thesis statement.

My advice would be to find out how much supporting evidence you have, begin writing the paper, and keep in mind that you are arguing about environmental sustainability. Also, you can think about the impact global warming has already had with regard to climate, health, etc.