lcturn87
May 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / Short essay - Is it better to stay on the safe side? [3]
Thank you for allowing me to read your essay and help assist you with any needed changes. Here are some suggestions regarding how you can improve:
If you want to express standing up to your boss, you can also say jeopardize our position. If you state these are risks but change it to a form of excitement, this could leave your reader confused. You should continue to say risk to describe the predicaments risks have on a person's life. I'm confused by this last sentence. Do you mean that only time will tell if we have the made the right choice after taking a risk?
The second paragraph is quite confusing. The ideas are a bit confusing. I am going to try to summarize what I feel you are trying to express. Only with risks, can we bring about change. If you have no goal to improve or change, you may experience an uneventful life. I think you just need to slightly change your sentence so that the reader can understand your ideas better. The last sentence is pretty good.
The third paragraph I would use a transition word such as, "For example" to begin describing how morals guide us." You should revise the beginning of the next sentence: "There maybe regrets..." Cripled should be spelled crippled.
If you end the first sentence in the fourth paragraph with goes, it becomes incomplete. You can say over time or as time progresses. There is a misspelling of the word immediately. Place a comma after mistake I would delete, "But" and begin the next sentence with, "In". Start a new sentence with "Otherwise". You could keep the question or you could state, "we would still have doubts".
I would recommend changing plunge to risk throughout the paper.
Thank you for allowing me to read your essay and help assist you with any needed changes. Here are some suggestions regarding how you can improve:
If you want to express standing up to your boss, you can also say jeopardize our position. If you state these are risks but change it to a form of excitement, this could leave your reader confused. You should continue to say risk to describe the predicaments risks have on a person's life. I'm confused by this last sentence. Do you mean that only time will tell if we have the made the right choice after taking a risk?
The second paragraph is quite confusing. The ideas are a bit confusing. I am going to try to summarize what I feel you are trying to express. Only with risks, can we bring about change. If you have no goal to improve or change, you may experience an uneventful life. I think you just need to slightly change your sentence so that the reader can understand your ideas better. The last sentence is pretty good.
The third paragraph I would use a transition word such as, "For example" to begin describing how morals guide us." You should revise the beginning of the next sentence: "There maybe regrets..." Cripled should be spelled crippled.
If you end the first sentence in the fourth paragraph with goes, it becomes incomplete. You can say over time or as time progresses. There is a misspelling of the word immediately. Place a comma after mistake I would delete, "But" and begin the next sentence with, "In". Start a new sentence with "Otherwise". You could keep the question or you could state, "we would still have doubts".
I would recommend changing plunge to risk throughout the paper.