Writing Feedback / I have many plans for the future but my greatest goal is to be an English teacher. [2]

You can make this into two sentences. You can add a period to the end of "future" and start the second sentence as: Yet, my greatest goal is to be an English teacher. By adding the word "Yet", you show that this is a plan that you are going to be writing about as a topic.

Watch your spelling! The word "su" is actually "so". Also, shorten your sentences. Sometimes, writers feel that having longer sentences will make their writing really good. You are a good storyteller. Making shorter sentences will help you. Furthermore, be careful about using commas. After you use a comma,check to see if the word that follows or is after the comma needs to start with a capital or lowercase letter. (Example: New York would be capitalized because it is a state. Yet, "watch" would be lowercase because it is a word.) If you are unclear about the meaning of a word don't use it. This is my advice to any writer. For example, stretch is physical. You can't stretch learning, but you can increase it. In English, the word increase is a good word to use if you want to say that you want to know more about something.

Grammar, Usage / Deaths of innocent people; meaning of those aforementioned sentences [2]

When I saw the title I came to the conclusion that this must have been a terrible act on a campus. There are 3 sentences you used so I looked at the verbs that were used in each sentence and thought about the title. I understand these sentences to mean this:

Sentence 1: I don't know how these students were attacked. Yet, an attack can be physical or verbal. I would infer or guess that the attack was physical. However, you can only conclude this because of the title and the second sentence starts with "Gunmen".

Sentence 2: The subject is the gunmen, so if they were in a female dormitory and believed to be isolated, this means that these men were alone in an area of the dormitory.

Sentence 3: I'm unsure who these professionals are, but when there is a tragic event on a campus then law enforcement may give all of the necessary information to a campus representative and talk to reporters. In this case, they were told about a rescue. This could mean two things. Either there was a survivor or the rescue involved apprehending or capturing the gunmen.

I hope this helps! When I get confused about the meaning, I just look at the title and the verbs. Also, if this is a news article there maybe sentences at the beginning or the end of paragraphs that can give you more information about what really occurred.

Research Papers / GMO Danger - it's in eighty percent of the processed food consumers eat every day [2]

This is very thorough research. First, I would like to say it is good writing. The changes I would make is reminding the reader that it is a paper. Choose a word or a way to make the transition in paragraph 2. However, let me begin with the first paragraph. I'm unsure of the main idea. Is the main idea that GMO's are potentially harmful to the human body and environment or for them to make a personal decision about their personal health and diet? I would focus on combining the sentences (i.e. Genetically modified organisms potential harm to the human body and environment can help one to make an informed decision about his or her personal health and diet.) I gave this example because I think that personal health and diet can be incorporated in the paper, but the paper is discussing mostly the GMO's harmful effects on the human body and environment.

I am going to tell you paragraph by paragraph sentences that need some revisions:
Paragraph 1: The sentence that starts with Genetically Modified Organisms needs revision. It is easier to read if you put a period after "crops" and start a new sentence using "however". Next, I would shorten that sentence and put a period after "weeds". Then the word "Nonetheless" would begin a new sentence. I would suggest "nevertheless" instead of "nonetheless", but this is only a preference. After revising those sentences, state your main idea as I suggested above. Basically, you are revising most of the first paragraph to make a smoother transition and help the reader to understand the whole paper.

Paragraph 2: When you discuss genetic engineering of crops, you use "something to remember". This could be confusing. I would delete those words. You can state, when genetic engineering of crops occurs....This will help to clarify to the reader that you are discussing what takes place.

Paragraph 3: The information about Dr. Pustzai can be confusing. It seems that the study showed there were harmful effects to the rats. The illustration of the ten thousand sheep is good, but I would suggest using the name "Bacterium Thuringiensis or BT" in that example.

Paragraph 4: according to the Thierry Vain, "In 1996, (I don't know if this was a sentence or part of a sentence that was quoted so I would capitalize the word "In" if it was written this way). I would make the next sentence stronger. For example, if this was known to the general public I would state: Despite public awareness, no one took action. Delete "In other news" and use a transition word instead (In addition, furthermore, etc). The Taylor and Monsanto information is confusing. I think this may require a new paragraph and you should start this new paragraph with a sentence about further complications of GMOs have arisen because of the issue of food labeling to discuss the Taylor and Monsanto issue.

Paragraph 5: Is Trader Joe's apart of the Non-GMO project? This can be stated when mentioning Trader Joe and then Whole Foods can be mentioned as another store that has partnered with the project.

Paragraph 6: The sentence regarding "one, more beneficial organism". I don't think a comma is needed. This was well-stated at the end.

Here are some paragraph break suggestions:
In Paragraph 2, you begin with "Through the process of engineering..." Start another paragraph because you are discussing another topic about pesticide producers and herbicide resisters. This sentence starts a new paragraph. Also, start a new paragraph when you begin the discussion about herbicide resisters.

In Paragraph 3, "Not only are allergies more prevalent... I think there should be a paragraph break here because this is another topic. This sentence starts a new paragraph.

In Paragraph 3, "However, there was one study done on people"...I think you should have a paragraph break to begin another topic. This sentence starts a new paragraph.

In Paragraph 3, "In addition to allergies and health risks, Gmos are resulting in super weeds." I think this should have a paragraph break because you are discussing another topic. This sentence starts a new paragraph."Once one truly grasps the preceding information, one can see that GMOs truly are affecting allergies, health, and environment". Start a new paragraph with this sentence.

In Paragraph 4, the best paragraph break would be when discussing the canola oil.

*Throughout the paper your argument was that GMOs are harmful and why they should be avoided. You can use this to come up with a title. It can be in the form of a question or a statement. I hope all of this helped you.

Letters / Waitlisted by UPenn - Update Letter to the Dream School [2]

This is a great essay and it sounds like you have a real passion for going to this school. However, some schools are very selective in the college admission process so I need you to make sure that along with your passion, you check your grammar and make the letter look presentable. Please follow this and continue to use any source you may find that would be helpful. If you can read this aloud to someone you know this would be great as well. They may help you to add details to your letter or remind you of other strengths you have that you have missed in the process of writing.When I put parentheses around words, I just want to make it easier for you to change everything.

1) Please check grammar or every sentence thoroughly before submitting. Lets start with the first sentence, change to "I learned I was". I think you should change "First of all" to "First". Still make sure you put a comma after first. See how natural it sounds.

2) Please change the word "school" to "schools" in the second paragraph because you stated "a lot" which indicates more than one.

3) You said you applied to many countries. Please state that you have applied to numerous or several schools in different countries.

4) "Even got" in the second paragraph can be changed too. You want to convey that you were already accepted. Delete this and change it to "was" and read the sentence over to see how it sounds.

5) To affirm your conviction to be admitted to UPENN you could take out the dash and say that "you believe" in the second paragraph. I think if you are confident this is the school you want to attend it could help you.

6) There is a sentence in the third paragraph that could be changed slightly. You say "To be honest,...". I think that you can change this sentence completely. You can shorten it and make it sound like your audience is admissions by using "Honestly". Do you want to be apart of or do you want to feel engaged or immersed in college activities? Let me give an example. Honestly, I can't imagine not being immersed in volunteer opportunities that will help me to give back and grow as a person.

7) The third paragraph you say that you will hopefully be a good ambassador. Is it your hope to be a good ambassador in class and on campus? If you start the sentence with "Hopefully", you could sound unsure. Yet, if it is your hope you could sound as if you want something to happen. Ex: I hope to be a good representative for a fortune 500 company one day. This makes it seem like I want something but I'm not showing that I'm not confident about it.

8) Try to leave out the word hopeful in this fourth paragraph. You want to be yourself but you need to be confident that admissions will look at your application a second time.

9) The fourth paragraph you begin to discuss your scores for Reading. Please delete "one-" from the sentence. Also after Economics there is an apostrophe at the end of the word that could be deleted.

10) The last sentence in the fourth paragraph you use "In addition" again. I think you could change it to another transition word like (Also or Furthermore) so you don't continue to repeat it. Also, make sure to use a comma after the transition word.

11) You are creating lists of your responsibilities in the 5th paragraph. Make sure you have commas where they should be. First, one of your responsibilities says appointing meetings. Do you mean scheduling meeting appointments? If this is correct, then you are ensuring that these regional Russian activists meet at scheduled times to discuss matters. That is a huge responsibility! Here is where the commas should be: setting up excursions, appointing meetings with regional Russian activists, communicating trip related information to the appropriate committees, etc.

12) For the last sentence, change the word "would" to "will" and leave out the word "further". Also, add "to be" after prove. It sounds like there is something missing when it is said as "prove helpful". The change will make it sound smoother and it will represent what you want to happen at present. Read this and see if you like it:

"It is my sincere hope that the information above will prove to be helpful in the admission process"

13) After the last sentence, have a space between it and "Many thanks for your consideration". Also, add two spaces between "Many thanks for your consideration" and your name.

14) Many thanks for your consideration,

(Sign your name in this space)

Your name printed

Undergraduate / My strenghts are: self-motivation, analytical mind and a strong-work ethic - who am I as a person? [2]

The first two sentences are weakness and strengths because you are trying to figure out who you are but you are strong enough to admit it. Awesome explanation of being introverted! I am introverted and this can be seen as a weakness but you define it as a strength. I feel the same way and it could be what sets you apart from other applicants.

In the second paragraph, I would find a way to combine those sentences and use a transition word. For example, does seeing people with power, high status, and success motivate you to want to work hard and persevere to attain that same success?

Please make this adjustment to the 3rd paragraph:
"I must speak up to show that I am dedicated to having the best college experience possible both academically and socially". I want you to make this adjustment to that sentence because I was starting to get confused reading it.

Overall, you are on the right track to get into Howard University. They want to know that you are not afraid to ask for help and won't give up. However, I would drastically change the last paragraph. I think you are trying to summarize everything and it is a run-on sentence. Try making smaller sentences at the end. This could be a dynamic paragraph if you first express that you want to be a successful academic student, want to turn your weaknesses into strengths, and have a good college experience. The answer to your question is yes you are following the prompt right and providing the right information. I hope I have helped in some way!

*Make sure you use commas and check grammar throughout the paper before submitting.

Grammar, Usage / Sentences interpretation; Facebook and its aftermaths [2]

I think you want 3 sentences and the questions answered.

1) The word inception means to start or begin and province is something that a person knows about. If you were to reword this sentence it would mean that young computer savvy individuals were interested in or involved with social networking sites when they first started. This makes sense when you think about it, because many social networking sites first started with younger users.

2) Let's start with giving you some background. When a person has an estate or property (or assets) they may have an executor over their will if something happens to them. When you look at this sentence, it is saying that if a person has a bank account and dies, this executor can close that bank account and claim the money in the bank account on behalf of this estate. The executor carries this out for the deceased individual.

3) I think this sentence is a continuation or related to the estate sentence. The Game Entropia sold a virtual space station so it would be considered an asset by the person who brought it. Yet, this sentence is saying that you have to look at the game's term and conditions to see if this virtual space station can be inherited. An easier way of understand this is: If someone plays a game and buys something in that game, can someone claim it after that person dies. It is almost similar to question 2.

4) I'm unsure if you want me to explain this question. It is asking what can a person can do to make sure their loved ones receive an inheritance. This could be belongings, property, or any other items.

Undergraduate / Reed offers variety and exposure - and that's what made me a great scholar, not specialization [2]

I think this is a very creative essay on stating why you want to go to Reed College. Much of it seems like you want to avoid the conventional and monotonous routine and structure that is imposed upon you. Avoid using "blinder-wearing counterparts" and "asking me to pass each other notes in the back of class". This is a strong essay and you want admissions to understand who you are. However, it may seem like you are being critical. Yet, I know you want to stand out as a scholar.

I looked on this college's site and it said you aren't going to be distinguished by academic ability or promise. Also, there is a yearlong humanities course. Read the "About Reed" section, especially the Mission of the College and The Reed Education under that heading. This could give you an idea of something you missed, if anything. I went to a liberal arts college and sometimes they want to know if you are a good fit. I hope they can see that this letter was well executed.

Graduate / SOP - Computer Engineering (Feedback) [2]

Nice work!

1) There are numerous quotation marks. If you are quoting someone then given them the credit. If not, find out a way not to use so many quotation marks. If this is your true feelings about success then you don't need it. However, if you are drawing inspiration from some outside source I would keep the quotation marks.

2) I see an error with the flow when you talk about finding success and your place in the world in the third paragraph. Read the sentence again. Did you mean to say that finding success means finding out what is your place in the world?

3) In the third paragraph, the last sentence is a little too long. Try to shorten it or you could turn it into three sentences with simple changes.

4) When you begin the paragraph about your efforts toward success, the first sentence is becoming a run-on sentence. Change it to two sentences. For example: I have always endeavored to find work that gives me the most satisfaction. Since childhood, I have worked diligently in my studies so that one day I could become a lawyer who helps others seek justice. (I made this up, but you can see that the reader can have a better understanding of your writing).

5) The next sentence talks about pre-university college years. This is very confusing! I know that I attended a community college while still in high school. If you did the same, you can express it that way. If not, you would need to explain this.

6) Congrats to you for the Android! It is good for you to add this work experience because it might answer question 2 and 3 on your contribution to the community and any future developments.

7) Great quote by Rohm. It shows your humility, which indicates your willingness to learn.
8) You could switch why university xx and my efforts towards success to reflect the questions being answered. However, for some reason I think your essay sounds better this way because you already have work experience before going to graduate school. Here is an exercise:

Read it in the order as if it is switched. I think you will find that it is more personable in the order you have it written

Writing Feedback / Horse Therapy for People with Limitations [2]

You have very good writing. Please read your paper again so you can see how the changes help.

1) 1st paragraph-You can delete "your" when you say they live day to day feeling hopeless and helpless. Also, make sure you to check if you have a question mark if you are using "What" and asking a question.

2) Strong second paragraph!
3) In the third paragraph, I had to read it a few times. I would take out half of the sentence that begins with the word "Granted". The next sentence would be, "The children who have engaged in this treatment tend to have their spirits lifted". Then use this sentence as the second to last sentence in the paragraph "The benefits of these experiences are also expressed by the parents." This change was made because you used the word benefits. Also, read the paragraph again and see how this change helps the paragraph.

4) This is just a suggestion. I think that you should not begin discussing modern day treatments because you begin discussing horse riding as a natural therapy for those with disabilities. Although you could say there are many modern day treatment used today. Then discuss that society is using horses as this alternative form of treatment as a new paragraph. I think you can continue this with discussing how horses have evolved for therapeutic purposes. However, it is my suggestion to take out the history of horses. It is taking the whole paper into a discussion about horses and is not helping the reader to understand that the focus of your paper is about the therapy too.

5) Use a comma after therapy. Instead of "Another pro", I think using the word purpose again would be perfectly fine.
6) "give that a person a sense of belonging" you can delete the "a" in front of person.
7) I would use, Horse therapy can help those with depression. If you describe it this way, you make it sound like you are making every effort to talk about the various ways horse therapy can help all people. Another change I would make is when you describe lifting an outlook. You can uplift someone spirits and change their outlook on life. It's just a very small error in meaning.

8) You talk about autism treatments that are available and say "and it can be tough" take out the word "and". The last sentence should be included in the paragraph when you cited your source.

9) There is a sentence that I keep reading. Did you mean: Riding horses actually improves coordination and concentration.
10) *I'm unsure if you are dividing the essay by why people engage in horse therapy and then stating their improvements by using horse therapy. I'm going to let you decide if you are happy with this. I was going to suggest staying on one condition and horse therapy and then discussing the next condition and horse therapy. However, I'm going to let you decide if you are happy with this.

Writing Feedback / Evaluation of today's urbanization. Are modern buildings ruin our cities or towns? [4]

I'm confused by the first sentence. Do you mean that designing buildings are a common trend in urban areas? In the second sentence you can delete "are" and remember that you are discussing more than one building so you would change it to "their designs are" When you use the word "it" you are making it singular. So change it to "they" to make it plural.

When you discuss the building's unique construction are you trying to say.. hideous buildings and ruin the look of cities because their architecture contrasts with neighborhood buildings. When you use demolish it seems like you are going to tear the city down. The last sentence I would change the end to "the neighborhood". *This is a good start. Watch the spelling of neighborhood.

Grammar, Usage / 1. Biology had given me the fundamental yet interesting knowledge' - Grammar correction in sentences [5]

It is better to read the scholarship essay, but I hope I have helped you with your grammar. Look at the the questions and you can form sentences using this advice. Other questions have grammar correction.

1) You want to use past tense and simplify the sentence. Use the word gave and say that it gave you fundamental knowledge about the complexity of biological systems. The reader will get confused if you discuss interest and fundamentals at the same time.

2) I decided to focus on the study of genetics. Studying genetics helped me to learn about the diseases affected by gene mutations.(I don't know if you are trying to express this. However, gene mutations are related to DNA and DNA or are genes can be linked to diseases.)

3) You can leave out health areas and possibly discuss that you want to work closely in a laboratory or hospital. Many will know that this is health related.

4). Do you mean you wish to work and discover the cause of many diseases?
5) Did your desire to work in the health field grow stronger?
6) Place a comma after time
7.) I don't see anything that needs to be changed
8) Did someone help you to learn about the importance of encouraging people to have healthy habits?
9) If it is an idea, you want to change these to this because it is just one idea. I would capitalize Wall Magazine. Also use italics for Wall Magazine

10) Every activity we did needed
11) participate in a (replace it with this because no one would be on music and it is only one activity)
12) This kind of event helped us to unite together in achieving the same to get the financial source (I hope this is what you were trying to convey)

Writing Feedback / Evaluation of sample introductions for some essay questions. [4]

Introduction 1: Please make sure you discuss the disadvantages and how do they gain a lot of information from staying in one place. Make sure you keep this in mind for the essay.

Introduction 2: Your view is that when a person is immersed or learns about countries by traveling to those regions, this is more effective than watching television programs. Yet, you know that some may find it to be more effective to learn about countries by watching television programs and films. Find out if there is any truth to this and what can you learn by visiting. For example, if I learn about food in another country on t.v. is it different than when I am actually tasting it with a native of that country. What about clothes, seeing historic sites, the language, etc.

Introduction 3: I like this introduction. When you deface a building you make it bad. Is this what you want to say? When make comparisons between the two buildings make sure you use more comfortable. Do you think that newer buildings are better looking in design worldwide? This question is about towns and cities so you should probably change it to town and cities instead of worldwide.

Research Papers / No idea how to start my research paper outline on how technology affects us [3]

1) Start brainstorming. When you think about the economic impact of technology, do you think that technology like Computers, IPads, IPhones, Projectors, etc., have helped us over the years? What did people do when there was no technology like this? Think about typewriters and pagers.

2) Let's consider the health impact. Did you know that there is technology where doctors can see their patients virtually. This involves technology. What else do doctors and nurses do to help their patients? In my field of study, there is technology that helps people to speak. This technology is becoming more sophisticated.

3) Next, let's consider the environmental impact. Where do computers, Ipads, and phones go when they aren't being used? Do some recycle them? Are they refurbished or reused by someone else?

There is so much you can discuss. You could definitely compare the positives and negatives. Let me give you an example of some experiences:

1) What if you lose your data on the computer and have no backup because there is a virus. How are you going to turn in your midterm paper? The paper is half your grade. What if your phone needs to be charged and you are in a bad neighborhood and there are no pay phones around. In many cities, there are fewer pay phones that exist. Have you noticed this?

2) What if I have an appointment at my doctor and he or she wants to see me virtually. I start discussing symptoms and because he or she can't see me a diagnoses can't be made.

3) If technology is recycled, is it really safe for the environment? Can we truly know this?

*I hope this helps you to begin. Make sure you find sources for whatever you decide to discuss. You don't have to use any of the examples I stated, but it helps to just take out a sheet of paper or type out your thoughts. Make sure you choose a main idea and when you have good sources or examples to back up your statements, you will be headed in the right direction!

Writing Feedback / Ielts: mix of both - competition and cooperation should be taught to the student [3]

First, I would like to focus on grammar.
Ist paragraph: Personally, I wouldn't say a sense of cooperation. I think you could just say that others conclude that cooperation is needed and this would be the only change to that sentence. Make sure to capitalize"I". Do you believe that children need a balance? For example, they need to know how to be competitive and cooperative because these are skills they may have to use when they become adults.

2nd paragraph: You don't have to repeat a sense of competition. You can use competition. This paragraph, you want to convey to the reader that competition among children helps them strive to be first in their class. Are your referring to graduating first in your class or just having the best grades in school? I think you are trying to say that each student will try to do his or her best to achieve a better position in class. Is that correct? You don't need commas. You can make this into two sentences. You can discuss how the school lacked a sense of competition and the other sentences will discuss the students not caring about the exams. (Capitalize and check grammar). How did they rank lower? Was the school the lowest in the school district?

3rd paragraph: Make a new paragraph starting with the first sentence, "There are also disadvantage of competition". The last few sentences need revisions. Add an "s" to disadvantage in this first sentence . The next sentence is incomplete when you use "As". Delete this word. Change the tense too: "will" should be "can" and "would" should be "could". Also, do you mean that when parents compel their children to achieve better marks, it makes the children feel superior in the family? Do you think if the child feels superior, he or she will still have manners and have respect for their parents?

4th paragraph: Place a comma after on the other hand, because you are making a transition. In this sentence I think you want to express that cooperating is better for children than competition. Add "they" after and in the sentence that discusses children studying together. You don't want to say cover your weakness. This means that you are trying to be perfect or pretend you don't have a weakness. I think you maybe saying that students can help each other improve upon difficult subject areas when they work together. Is this correct? Place a comma after "In groups". I'm confused by this next sentence. Do you think that by working in groups, it becomes easier for them to interact with other individuals in society? I would make this next sentence into two sentence. I think what you mean is that children need to cooperate responsibly. This would mean that they wouldn't get involved in cheating because they think they are cooperating with another student. Is this what you mean? Place that last sentence in this paragraph. Make sure you place "a" before mix of both competition and cooperation.

*Make all of the grammar changes. It needs to be revised. Read it again with the grammar changes. I don't know how you are scored and how long the essay should be. However, I think your score will improve if the reader can understand your position and you have some good examples, especially the one that refers to your school experience.

Writing Feedback / In different parts of the world kids are involved in some paid jobs, but it is harmful to them. [4]


Strengths: Great points in the 2nd paragraph because some people believe that kids should be kids and they shouldn't have to take on adult responsibilities until they are able to handle them. Excellent points about kids lifting heavy materials in factories. The reader will be intrigued by this. The last three sentences in the 4th paragraph are super good! This is interesting because children need to know how to work with people with different personalities. This is a great observation. This paper is very organized too.

Weakness: Watch your grammar in the 1st paragraph. In the first paragraph, I think you need to add commas and take away some words. Here is my suggestion:

"While others sternly argue that it is justifiable for the kids to work, others think that such experience allows children to be responsible, value work more, and gives them an avenue to learn about life in general."

I would avoid saying youngsters because I feel that using a term like youths or young people would help the reader. In the 2nd paragraph, I don't know if this is a typing error, but make sure to change the beginning of the sentence to: "An example of this". I'm confused by the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph. Do you mean that it is advisable that children aren't associated with any type of work because of the physical and mental demands it imposes upon them? Or you could phrase it as: Therefore, it is not necessary for children to be exposed to any type of work that it is physically and mentally demanding. The 1st sentence in the 4th paragraph needs revision because I am having trouble understanding it. It took me some time to see how you can change this. The sentence can stay the same, except if you change it to "especially regarding valuing work,", you will only change the sentence slightly. Read it this way and see how it sounds. In the 5th paragraph, Do you mean that there are advantages in involving children in paid work, but you disagree with this argument? In the 5th paragraph, you saying "finding themselves on". I think you are trying to link the two ideas. "finding themselves and having" can link the two. Read through the paper once more after changing grammar and see if you need to add anything.

*Please know that your weaknesses are only slight errors.

Letters / 'I want to be able to call myself a specialist' - PHD Program application; Motivation Letter [2]

1) I'm confused about the first paragraph. I think maybe after discussing working as an insurance sales person you can add my situation in life changed. For the next sentence add the word "Then" before "I".

2) 2nd paragraph: You can delete a before tremendous and in English we normally say better understanding. (That is fantastic that you speak 4 languages. I'm glad you put this in your essay!) Place a period after modern infrastructure. Start a new sentence with the word while. Place a comma after the word culture in this sentence.

3) 4th paragraph: social justice should not be capitalized.
4) What do you mean by African production?
5) How are you using sacrosanct? It can mean untouchable? Is that how you want to use it?

Most of your writing has been checked so I just wanted to go over what I thought might be confusing.

Writing Feedback / Risks and Benefits of Single-Sex Class [2]

Paragraph 1: The first sentence I would just change to "will be deprived of learning" and "they will have less exposure with" Place the before work environment. (You can read it with these changes and see if the change is what you want to express as your argument. I want to make sure your argument doesn't isn't too wordy.)

Paragraph 2: In the beginning of paragraph 2,. I think "There is nothing wrong with too much communication" should start a new sentence. Life's is incorrect in the plural form. It should be changed to lives. Whomever change to whoever. Change genders to gender. I'm confused when you start talking about friends. Is this what you really mean? Ex: This can be compared to a friendship that has less verbal communication over time. Friends will begin to feel uncomfortable because they don't talk every day. Put a period after worse. Then start a new sentence maybe even saying, They may have fewer chances to talk. (i.e. I think that if a girl has all brothers, she is interacting with the opposite sex frequently.) Delete being that and replace with because.

Paragraph 3:Do you mean that: Both genders improve upon their social skills because they learn to feel more comfortable and confident with one another without any hesitations? I would start the next sentence with: In summary,

Paragraph 4: Do you want to say that what matters is the child's personality and character. I understand that you are referring to tomboy girls. You can use tough girls since you say tough charisma.

Paragraph 5: Change to "they try new ideas". I could give you teacher language but you are simply stating ideas and this makes your paper easy to read. You can start the next student by saying Personally, this helped... Start another sentence saying: Some of these methods helped, while others didn't. I became a little confused with this sentence. Change the next sentence. Do you mean that co-ed schools helped you because you were able to adapt to either tone of voice? I was just unsure about this sentence.

Paragraph 6: Change sing to single. There is an incomplete sentence. When you say you would have no idea how to. Place the word interact at the end of that sentence. I would take out the sentence about even co-ed students being shy. You could lose the reader's attention. Delete "are the ones who", when you talk about co-ed schools at the end of the paragraph.

Paragraph 7: Check the quote by Kennedy. He or she may have said scientists. You can say like college instead of using it as an example. Most of the sentences after you discuss that parent's should think about their decision may need to be deleted. What I suggest you do is skip these sentences and read the next paragraph. This will help you to see why I think it could be a good change. I think that you are going off the topic of grade school students and jumping into the college years too fast.

Paragraph 8: I think you can say that you can't imagine what kind of difficulties could arise. After opposite sex you need a period. Then start a new sentence with: Yet, they would...The reader could get confused if you say someone is preaching advice. However, if you say someone gives their best advice this might sound more familiar. Change to force this.

Paragraph 9: Delete "out of them as to" and add regarding. Read the sentence again to see if you are comfortable with this change. Put a comma after mother because you are introducing her. The last revision "form friendships with"

Paragraph 10: Take out your conversation with this mother and how she was being judgmental. It can distract from your argument and sounds too personal. Start with the sentence that says: Boys and girls. If you do this, you are presenting your argument without criticizing her view to present your argument.

Paragraph 11: You can change see where you are coming from. I think you want them to respect your viewpoint. Or you could say respect my viewpoint or respect my views on this subject. Career's has to have another word after it. You should change it to careers. "affect their futures". "achieve his or her potential". If you talk about one child you can't put they because it would be more than one.

*I know that this is a lot. I suggest you read your paper again. I hope this helps you. Please know that these are suggestions on how you can improve. You have good sources and your personal resources were good too. You also cited your sources, which is always good to do.

Writing Feedback / Cheap Labour - allowing unemployed to work is a good way to help them to pass their poverty line [2]

1) Strong 1st paragraph. Your position is clear.
2) 2nd paragraph- Make sure you change is to are, because you are talking about people (indicating more than one person). Place are before under when discussing the poverty line. I would start another sentence when you discuss those who are unemployed earning money. I'm confused about what you are saying regarding employment. Do you mean that it is better for them to continue to have work experience than relying on unemployment? Please look at the source you have for the study from Keele university. I'm assuming that people in those countries had unemployment but had to work. As a result of finding work, the number of those unemployed declined. Try to explain that source better so it can be clear. Also give credit to this study by telling where you found it. Was this source from a website, book, etc.? Remember to put that source in parentheses after the sentence. Do you mean that many countries have tried to apply this trend?

3) 3rd paragraph- I'm not sure if the first sentence is a quote. However, you maybe able to add "unfortunately, the" before quality to make it sound better. Yet, if this is a source, please look at the source again. For the next sentence, please look at your source again. The study may be saying that companies that do hire the unemployed aren't providing them with training to acquire the basic skills. See where you found the source and give credit to the source as you are going to do with the study from Keele University. I would change the last sentence to say "this trend could have a detrimental effect for an employee's quality of work". This would make the sentence more complete.

4) 4th paragraph- You can add the word "However", before the first word in the first sentence, or a transition word that will help the reader to understand that you will be discussing an advantage again. When you refer to cheap labor in the last sentence I get a little confused. Do you mean this in the last sentence- "...that in order to employ high quality employees, prevent cheap labor, and produce quality workers in every industry." If this is not what you were trying to say, please revise this sentence again.

5) Make the last paragraph stronger by adding a few more sentences to summarize. However, make sure it talks about the advantages since this is your position. The last sentence in this paragraph makes it seem like you are stating a disadvantage again.

Graduate / True leader knows how to stand up for what he believe. Cooperation can't exist without competition. [4]

I won't focus on spelling mistakes because I know you can use spell check. I will focus on other areas.

1) The first paragraph just make sure to say "Many times" and correct a spacing issue because two words are together. This is a fantastic 1st paragraph!

2) Are you saying in the second paragraph that people are going to be naturally prone to follow a leader if he or she convinces others to do so and is respectable? You can phrase this how you want, but I need to understand as a reader if this is what you are trying to express.

3) In the third paragraph, your view is not that there won't be conflict, but that a leader must be like a mediator to help reach a mutual agreement. However, this may mean that out of competition or opposing views, comes cooperation because the leader is helping to facilitate these discussions.

(This is how I understand this third paragraph. Please revise if you feel this is not the points you were trying to convey)
4) I think that your view is against negative competition. Competition that is healthy seems to help people cooperate. Am I right? The third sentence in this paragraph can be linked by using "and" and deleting the comma. Read the sentence again with this change because I think it needs to be linked better.

5) Be careful about this example of a leader. It's too vague and since most people have read or know about this individual, I would have specific credible sources to cite from to back this statement. (I just want to give you this suggestion since this is for the GRE. I don't want to be critical, but I'm just want you to have the best possible essay.)

6) Really strong ending. You could add a few more sentences. My advice to you now is that your essay seems to make you have a balanced view of competition and cooperation. Read your essay one more time and see if this is what you were trying to express.

Writing Feedback / The amount of spreads consumed from 1981 to 2007, in grams - the line graph [4]

1) 2nd paragraph:
-Are the 160 grams an approximation of the increase in the use of butter? It's not on the line by about 1 gram. However, if you compare the statistics on margarine you can see that the consumption rates are directly on the line.

-I think you can state the date 2007 in your summary when you refer to the dramatic decrease in butter. (This is a great observation to make!)

-I think margarine was closer to 90 grams because there are 20 grams that separate 80 and 100. The point looks like it is in the middle.

-I pondered over how to change this next sentence. You could change it by making two sentences. You could say, "Then the number of grams decreased after the first year." And start the next sentence with [However,] they rose suddenly... (Did you mean that in 1991, it rose to 100 grams?)

-Good observation in the last sentence! Just add "there was a" before sharp or phrase it in a way that makes the sentence complete.

2)I would make margarine, butter, and low fat spreads lower case in these paragraphs. I don't think you need to capitalize them.

3)Also, I would like to commend you for your writing ability and the observations you made in 20 minutes. Your thoughts were organized. Good Job!

Writing Feedback / The chart informs the number of Bulgarians moving to different countries based on level of education [5]

You want to discuss that this chart is gathering information about the educational level of Bulgarians who desired to move to foreign countries. Also, that these Bulgarians were categorized according to three different educational levels: higher, secondary, and primary and lower education. Discussing the measurement and dates is really good, because it gives the reader an idea of what you will discuss. However, I suggest you state the dates 2002, 2006, and 2008 since these were the only dates listed and you will refer to them throughout your paper.

In the second paragraph, there are just minor details that need to be changed. It seems like you want to join ideas in the first sentence. In order to do this, place a semicolon (;) after education and a comma after whereas. Please state the dates again in the second sentence. For example, the percentage of people who wanted to relocate had a higher percentage in 2006 and the percentage dropped drastically in 2008. Since there is only 3 dates listed, it would be an easier summary if you listed the dates.

In the third paragraph, you list the number for secondary education as 75% but I see 65%. The other numbers are correct and this is a strong sentence. Please revise this next sentence. Instead of starting the sentence with Then, you could start it with Although. Then you could eliminate even though. Now read the sentence again. You can also shorten this sentence at the end by replacing to finish with "and 59% in 2008". Your sentence will be more consistent.

In the fourth paragraph you will have to revise this first sentence. I don't know if you have to continue to state percentages. You could leave the percentage out and state that "during the three years that were studied," this could help you leave out the percent.You can state it how you would like to, but this is a suggestion I am going to make to make it easier to understand. The key is to help the reader be able to follow along with the chart and your summary. Otherwise, this is a good observation. Strong ending.

Writing Feedback / Balanced proportion of male and female in further education should not be applied. [2]

1st paragraph: Make term plural in the first sentence. Explain what you mean by same proportion in gender. Are you referring to accept an equal number of male and female students? Make the word benefit and drawback plural. Revise the last sentence slightly. I think you are trying to answer the question. Do you mean that your position is that universities should avoid regulating the number of male and female students because it could hinder their learning system?

2nd paragraph: Take out "the" when you discuss men being left behind in numbers. Delete the (s) in statistic. Cite your source by stating in parenthesis where you found this statistic. Was it a book, website, etc? (Interesting and good source!) The last sentence you want to change it to: causes them to be unable.

3rd paragraph: Change to: object to the idea. Make female and male plural. When you explain conductive selective schooling, do you mean that students are chosen based upon how well they do in school? I would change equal proportion to making education equal to males and females. This will help the reader to understand that you are still discussing males and females. When you discuss the UK, you can start the sentence with "For example in the United Kingdom,". You could possibly end this sentence with "will have a job", unless this is from a particular source. I'm not sure if this last sentence fits with the paper. If you want it to be included with your paper you have to talk about employment in higher education. For example, after you discuss that 1 in 5 women are professors*, you could say that even in higher education women are not guaranteed employment. Is this what you were trying to prove? *Please cite your source when you discuss that 1 in 5 women are professors.

4th paragraph: I think you have the argument that you don't believe in accepting an equal number of male and females. When you say further education do you mean higher education? Make disadvantage and advantage plural.

Overall, good job!

Writing Feedback / Maroon and Grey - "two page descriptive essay of a place without using I" [2]

1st paragraph: Do you have to use the words maroon and grey in this essay? Place a comma between ratty hole and which. Varsity shouldn't be capitalized. Revise the last sentence where you discuss looking up at your name. You can say the alumni tennis players that are now on a collegiate roster". This is how the sentence would read: Looking up and seeing my name together with the alumni tennis players that are now on a collegiate roster, inspires me to achieve. This is a suggestion what I am going to give you to simplify the sentence. You are doing quite well at not using the word "I". I am impressed thus far.

2nd paragraph: Are these "pump up songs" similar to school spirit songs? I would clarify this.

3rd paragraph: Make "Sometime" plural. When you describe what a call is in parenthesis, you forgot the word "is", so I suggest starting with, " a call is a ball that is out when it is on the line" Read this and decide if you want to put this in parenthesis and if this clarifies what a call is. I would revise the last sentence. Do you mean that anger is radiated when a player loses; whereas, complete happiness results when a player wins?

Excellent Job!

Writing Feedback / Ten-year summary on the amount of online sales for the New Zealand's retail sectors [3]

1st paragraph: Change to: changes in. Also percentage is spelled incorrectly. Good interpretation of this pie chart in this 1st paragraph!

2nd paragraph: I'm confused by your reading of film and music in 2003. Also, when you express 1/3 in explaining the figure for 2013, this could be confusing. I think it is better to continue to summarize the pie charts using percentage rather than fractions. This will keep your summary more consistent. There was a slight error. Book sales increased from 19% to 22%.

3rd paragraph: I would place "in" before "over a decade". I think you should simplify the second sentence. Make two sentences. Before the word respectively place a comma. That word should be the end of the sentence. You can add "This was" before higher to begin a new sentence. Read it with the changes made. Check the numbers in this paragraph and my suggestion again is to avoid fractions. If you summarize with the percentages provided, you can check the numbers to ensure you have an accurate summary.

I'm sure with these changes you will do good!

Writing Feedback / The producing and developing of phones have some positive and negative features [3]

1st paragraph: Everything is one word. Replace the "i" at the end of computer with a comma. I'm unclear about your last sentence. Will you be discussing the advantages and disadvantages of producing and developing smart phones?

2nd paragraph: Delete initially in this first paragraph. You can start the paragraph with "One". You used convenience rather than convenient. Describe more clearly what you mean by working out problems with a smart phone? Can a person accomplish many tasks that involve more than talking? Change thins to things. Change the last sentence in this paragraph. Smart was misspelled. Also, you want to end the sentence with, "people's eyes today."

3rd paragraph: Revise the first sentence. Are you trying to express that the disadvantages of using smart phones are health hazards? I would try to avoid starting a sentence with "because". You can make this next sentence into two sentences. Ex: One health hazard is radioactive materials. These materials can lead to heart and kidney damage, cancer, or fatigue. *If this comes from a source, please cite your source. (Good point to make about distracted drivers!) Please change disractive factor to distraction so the sentence is easier to understand. Explain how there is an ignition risk? Are you referring to talking on the phone while pumping gas? Revise the last two sentences. What should people be careful about? Also, you were discussing disadvantages in this paragraph so the last paragraph should end with disadvantages rather than advantages.

4th paragraph: There are minor issues in this last sentence. There is a misspelling of some and a misspelling of "or". Can you add more in your summary or is there a limit on the amount of words you can use? I think you could make this better by adding two or more sentences.

Scholarship / Development plan for scholarship- MA in Marketing [7]

*This essay talks about Iran but you never mention if this is the country where you live. If this is where you live, you should mention this in your first paragraph so you can answer the question to the topic more clearly. Otherwise, it may seem as if you are choosing a country that you are interested in, but have no personal connection to.

The second sentence in the first paragraph you talk about organizations' success. Are you referring to the organizations successes that you took part in the different countries you mentioned in the first sentence? I would revise this because it could be a bit confusing. There are two ways to use the word endeavor. The British form is endeavours and the English form is endeavor. Which form are you trying to use? You don't have to add -es to research.

Please delete not surprisingly because it is a good sentence without this addition. How has the marketing strategies been unconnected? There is a misspelling of Iran in the third paragraph. Change the sentence when you discuss prioritizing advancing your knowledge. Do you mean that if you advance your knowledge in marketing you can address issues from a global perspective? I would change leave the door open and future learnings in this last paragraph. Another way to discuss leaving the door open would be to expand your knowledge. I'm describing it this way because I think you are open to constantly learning about the subject of marketing through those courses. However, future learnings can be described as future studies, because you will be studying marketing. Also, in the last sentence, the British form is programme but the English from is program? Which form are you trying to use?

Writing Feedback / Living in a comfortable apartment is always a good choice and the same applies to univerity students [3]

First, you made some good points about living in a dormitory. However, some campuses have more lenient visitation hours with those who don't live in the dormitory. In the first sentence of the first paragraph, I was really confused. Do you feel that university students can decide if they would like to live in a dormitory or an apartment?

I also wouldn't quote students unless you mention that you have spoken with them about apartment living. You could say that you think students would feel more comfortable in an apartment. What do you mean by profitable? Do you feel students save money, do they enjoy the experience, etc. You can simplify the sentence by stating that it is your preference to live in an apartment.

In the third paragraph there are some run-on sentences.Here is how to change it: When you give an example you should start a new sentence. When you say: "For example", this is a good way to begin a sentence because you begin to state your opinion. After you mention going to take a shower you could make a new sentence when you describe having the ability to sleep when you want to sleep. There are also some issues with meaning in this paragraph. Explain what you mean by ordering something from outside. Are you referring to ordering takeout? Also, when a person decides they want have a party, they will usually tell their friends that they are going to have a party at home.

I want you to revise this last sentence in the last paragraph. Do you think that apartment living can give a person their privacy and they don't have to socialize and meet new students? What do you mean by groupmates? Are these classmates or your friends? Please revise the comment about the roommate. I suggest just stating you can avoid being with a roommate you dislike.

3 suggestions to make your paper better.
1) Sometimes you leave out indefinite articles.
Here's an easy way to tell: Look at the last sentence in your paragraph. You use it correctly here. You say "an apartment". If you read the sentence. However, you forget to use "an" before apartment in the sentence before this. Also, you say in dormitory. You should change it to in "a dormitory".

2) Lowercase i should be changed be uppercase.
3) In the second paragraph, you discuss taking responsibilities. This can confuse the reader. I think what you are referring to is the shared responsibility that roommates have because they live in the same space. This could include cleaning, being peaceable with one another, considerate of each other's study habits, etc.

*Take your time with this easy and read your revisions to see if it makes sense. You have good examples.

Scholarship / Study objective, become a chemical engineer in one of the biggest oil producers in the world [3]

I notice that you choose to add years at the end of sentences. Try adding them at the beginning. It will make the paper easier to read. Also, you are using the word got quite frequently. I will suggest some ways to change this so the reader isn't distracted by the grammar. Also, try not to use stuff so frequently. You learned about engineering so you know that there is specific information that one must learn in this field. I think your enthusiasm is great! However, you may want to delete (And I love it!). I think it is used too much in this essay. Actually, if you want to use the term love, I think it is more appropriate when you discuss how you love to learn and love your job.

In the first paragraph, I am going to give an example of how to change the years. Ex: For two years, I have worked at an agency that specialized in placing office workers. Follow the same format when describing your experience working with the oil and gas company. Use a transition word such as However or Yet to begin the next sentence in this paragraph. Make sure to put a comma after the word you decide to use.

Most of the second paragraph needs to be changed. It seems like you are talking about your past experience working on site. I think you should state that when you were a recent graduate a company sent you to their location to work on site. Delete there after projects. I would revise the last two sentences. It seems as if your interactions in this team provided you with the knowledge and skills to learn engineering. Is this correct?

The third paragraph, I would spell the word 2. Then I would start describing the projects I worked on. The reader will know you are telling them something new. You could describe it by stating that, while working for that company you completed two projects. When you discuss the projects,You can start the first sentence with the word, "During the first project" and delete the comma and I and change to "and helped" when describing the engineer you worked with. (Really, what you are doing is taking out project one.) Project two you can describe it as, "The second project". Make the same changes with the comma and the change of words. Now read these sentences after you have revised them. Did you really enjoy applying your knowledge which is another way to say learning by doing?

In the fifth paragraph, change the first sentence to the "company I worked". You can keep: I loved it! Take out the word obviously. I think that what is missing the most with this fifth paragraph is how you will help with community development. You say you are going to help in another country. I'm not sure if this is specifically for Texas or anywhere in the world. Do you want to help increase oil production in your country with an engineering degree? Do you think your knowledge could help globally in every community? You just have to discuss how you are going to use your knowledge to help the community to grow in the oil and gas industry. I would suggest more grammar changes, but I think this information needs to be added. Also, my last suggestion is to change learn deeper to learn more.

I know you have a limited time to finish this, but I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Leaving home at the age of 16' - Common App Essay [3]

Change your tense. You are speaking in the past. Change have never to never and will to would. If you describe it as the friends you leave the reader questioning who you are describing. If you say my friends, the reader can associate them with you. (They are your friends) Just add the before next few months.

In English we say, I've never met you or I haven't met him. By using contractions correctly, you can sometimes avoid a misunderstanding in English. Also, other language is expressed as another language. It is confusing when you say a big role. You don't have to start the sentence with "Definitely".

You repeat the word longer. Some people say for a long time because they were gone longer than expected. I know you don't mean a cold head. Did you learn to be responsible and solve your own problems? I don't know if this is how you felt. The word homesickness is a good word to use. You want to express, "I became homesick". This was a feeling you felt when you were away from home too long.

I would delete although. If you use the word although to begin this sentence, I would expect you to continue to explain what you were taught. You tutored subjects the students had difficulty learning. Is this correct? I would change this sentence because it was confusing. Were these projects team projects that let you be creative and work with other students? This is what I think you mean by this sentence.

I think when you start this last paragraph you think that being in another country you may need others to help you, but may not always receive it when you need it the most. I think you have learned many lessons. Some of those lessons seem to be overcoming your fears. You should avoid using the fact in this essay. Please delete! You are using your own words. In English, sometimes we say lifelong friends or friendships that will last a lifetime. It really has the same meaning, because the person expects the friendship not to end. Learnt is not an English word. Maybe it sounds like it ends with a t, when you heard it. The actual word is learned because it is what already happened. You did this in the past. There were three traits you had open minded, a smile, and a positive attitude. If you use the word Despite, it seems negative and not positive. I think you just want to discuss that the kids liked you and elected you as prom princess. The only other change is a comma after them in the last sentence.

I explained the changes this way so you make your paper better. I learned a second language and it can be difficult to write in another language if it is not your first language. My best advice is to read your essay again when you make changes to it.

.

Undergraduate / What does it mean to be cultured? Texas A&M essay [2]

In the end of an essay you should avoid giving examples again. I think this is why there is so much confusion. There could be an example of the past in the body of the essay and then a discussion about modern day society. It seems that you are discussing that in the past and present being cultured is a learned behavior. One has to work on it. Also, it seems that you feel this is a generational issue. You should make an outline about past and present developments in this order then end your paper. You could start the last paragraph with, "In summary," and restate the definition of cultured according to your opinion. Only please change respecting to respecting others (I believe this is what you are trying to express). Then the first sentence would be state here. Next, end with the last sentence. Read it in this order to see if you like this suggestion. You can add more sentences, but I think the major problem was the example in the last paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The table provides the information which city is more expensive: Riverdale or Cape Alicia [4]

You didn't discuss a 7% percent figure in healthcare in the city of Riverdale. You only state the 7% figure in the paper. Please explain what this figure means so the reader can understand. In the second paragraph, state that these figures pertain to Riverdale. You don't mention Riverdale in this paragraph. Also, you have 4.5% listed wrong. Please, take out the comma between these numbers and write it according to the table chart.

Good job in the third paragraph! I'm glad you began the sentence referring to Caped Cod. If you make a comparison please state it is the lowest cost not the highest cost because you are trying to convey that the expenses are cheaper in Caped Cod in comparison with Riverdale. Please check over your percentages again. 1.2% is listed wrong. If you have a comma between two numbers, you should change it to a period. I want you to place a comma after 1.2% in the second sentence. The next sentence you should place a comma after pattern and state they are both 0.8% and 0.5%, respectively. Ex: When I read a statement like this I will know that the 0.8% represents health care and groceries is represented by 0.5%. You change your tense in the last sentence. Keep using the word is and not was. If you want to use fairly in this paragraph, you could describe percentages as fairly high or fairly low.

Writing Feedback / Advertising is known as the predominant factor which influence the high sales of popular stuff [3]

Change the word stuff to goods in this essay. This will help the reader to understand that you are still referring to consumer goods.

1st paragraph: I wouldn't use whereas in this first sentence. I would start a new sentence with the word some. Also, you use the word pursue in this sentence so it sounds like it is a chase. You could use entices or pressures. Entice would mean they are making it seem like there are advantages to buying. If you discuss sales rate, make rate plural. Throughout the paper you can look and change it to sales rates. Change have to has. Also, I think negative temptation can be deleted because you are discussing how advertisers manipulate people because you explain it in the beginning of the paragraph. Delete in order to in this sentence.

2nd paragraph: Are you referring to how advertising makes people more curious to buy popular goods because it only illustrates the benefits of using those products? This second paragraph seems researched. If it is a source, please give credit to that source. Cite the source in your paper. Did it come from a book, website, etc?

3rd paragraph: Delete about in the first sentence. Start a new sentence using, "Most advertisers". I think in this new sentence you want to discuss how these famous people are their spokesperson. Mascot is used in sports. I would put "For example" at the beginning of the next sentence because you are describing something that is related to a famous person. Then discuss how this ad uses a football player for their product. This football player would be their product's spokesperson. Are you trying to explain how the product makes people want to try it because they see the football player in the ad?

4th paragraph: This last sentence is confusing. Please revise. Do you feel that it is wise for people to think before purchasing goods? Also, do you think that if they think more before they make purchases, it will prevent them from purchasing unnecessary products?

Undergraduate / Hamid-ur-Rehamn ; Common App/ Person who had influence [2]

I'm going to help you with your paper paragraph by paragraph in order.

1st paragraph: Put just a after Mardan. Change to earn a living. Looked up to him means to admire but I think you mean that the boy's father relied on him to earn bread and look after the family. Please change this. Change to "study to". Use past tense: paid

2nd paragraph:Do you mean taken when you refer to your exam? Did you read the stories in English first and then translated them? Was the translation spoken or written? Please describe this better. You use the word indulging, do you mean enjoyable? This would describe how you were having a good time. When you refer to your friend as shy that is all you need. You can delete to speak out. You can use a transition word such as However or Yet to begin the sentence where you discuss your assumption of the boy. Also, you may want to replace crushed with wrong because you were surprised during this quiz to see his accomplishment.

3rd paragraph: Place a comma after test. When discussing how he spent time in the class, please delete the and place a comma after class.

4th paragraph: When you begin your description, remember to state that, "He was a". Then discuss his qualities. Also, add and before helpful boy. Delete just too only if you are not quoting what he said. If you are quoting, you can leave just too to describe how grateful he was to God.

You told the story well and it was a good ending!

Undergraduate / A simple engineering admission essay . AUC: What would you benefit from studying in our university. [2]

There is a misspelling of enquiries. It is spelled inquiries. Also, delete here and there. What do you anticipate to be an A-level result? Is it your grades? Please describe in more detail. I would describe a passion for pursuing a profession as a desire. I suggest either deleting admiration or discussing how you admire engineering professionals. I could understand how one could have a desire to pursue a profession along with admiration for professionals in that field.

I would discuss how you want to obtain a degree in civil engineering and later pursue a Masters and Ph.D. in the same field of study. Do you want to be an established engineer or an accomplished engineer?

You use the word one and then reasons. I believe you are discussing only one major reason and that is living your dream. You can change the sentence by stating that it is a major reason why you want to attend. I want you to change the last sentence. When you discuss getting a good education at a reputable school this should be a new sentence. Do you want to go to a reputable school to achieve your future goals? Do you feel this will give you a good start? Think about this before writing your last sentence.

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

I don't think you should say you were confronted with something full force. You can be directly confronted with an issue. I would change the sentence that describes the CFAC. My suggestion is to describe the charitable foundation exactly as stated. Then at the end of the sentence called the "CFAC. The next sentence I would discuss that without the coalition's financial assistance, paying for treatment would have been arduous or difficult. You discuss public health management in the 5th paragraph, but you say public administration, healthcare management in the 4th paragraph. Would it be easier to use public health management? Change the beginning of the 4th paragraph by changing it to, "I am interested". Then decide if you want to use public health management as previously stated. Then state, "because I want to find ways to develop". I don't know if you want to keep the last sentence but I suggest you changed armed with knowledge to equipped with knowledge.

In the next paragraph, it seems like you are undecided or continually stating what you would like to do. You have enough descriptions so you won't have to restate what you are interested in. Use another word rather than armed in this paragraph. You can delete it with describing the healthcare system and just describe it as hope in the nation's healthcare system. Delete the semicolon and start a new sentence with the word "Everyone". The last two sentences seem to veer off from discussing Baruch and back to your position. Read the paragraph without these sentences to see if you feel the same. Also, when you discuss Baruch in this paragraph, it should probably be discussed at the end of your paper. I suggest that when you discuss Baruch really devote a paragraph to how the program in this school will assist you with your goals. You seem as if you are doing this in the last paragraph.

*You made many changes and I think your essay was easy to understand. I want you to think about my suggestions that can help you improve your paper.

Book Reports / Independent Reading Assignment Critique - A Passage to India [2]

I hope these suggestions help. I looked at each paragraph and really focused on parts that could be confusing or areas in the paper that need more clarity. The suggestions are in the order that the paragraphs were written.

1) Delete the a before along in the first sentence. When you describe the Marabar caves of India place a period after India. I want you to do this because I want you to discuss Dr. Aziz's trial more in depth. Do the people become enraged during the trial? Change the word coherent to coherently. I am assuming that you want to say the universal truths were revealed and not opened. Is this correct?

2) I'm unsure if I read this book. However, I feel it is confusing when you discuss the settings of the book then proceed with discussing the author again. If you don't discuss what these settings of the book reveal about the author as you are discussing throughout the paper, it becomes just details. Those details can be distracting.

3) There are a few grammar issues in the last sentence of the third paragraph. Change though to thought. My should be changed to me and Great Britain to British.

4) When you discuss Forster's writing in the next paragraph, are you trying to express how one country assumed that it was there right to dominate another country? Delete the word so after case in the next sentence. I'm unsure what you are trying to express in the next sentence. Are you referring to the mistreatment of Indians? The next sentence only needs to be changed to, "British for" when discussing what happened to Ms. Quested. Did you have respect or did you have an opinion of this control? I was confused about your feelings regarding this matter. I also would delete the information about Russia since it is too confusing to add if you are critiquing a reading assignment specifically about another topic.

5) You use dare twice in one sentence. The first part of the sentence you may state dare to be condescending. Yet, the second dare is misused. When you use it this way it sounds like you don't want them to uplift each other. Delete dare to when you describe the lasting bond between those two. It will change the meaning and be more coherent.

6) Did the grueling details upset your day or upset you? Please make "the" lowercase when describing the British arrogance. Place a comma after again and I.

7) I think you should change apprehend to attract readers.

Writing Feedback / The youngsters should use their opportunities to travel or work wisely - it might help to find a job [3]

I suggest stating young people throughout the essay since this is the essay question. However, you may use youngster if you prefer to because it means young people.

Paragraph 1: Change to "becoming a" in the first sentence. We wouldn't say applying in university because there is a process that is followed. A better way to say it is to apply to a university. If you use drawback just make it plural by adding an -s to the end as you did perfectly with the word benefit.

Paragraph 2: Help me to understand your view in this first sentence. Do you believe that young people will be offered cheap labor because they don't have the degree, skills, or experiences that qualify them for better work? When you mention the South Wales studies, please look back at your research or source again. 60 per cent should read as 60%. Please cite your source too. Did you get this from a website, book, etc.? I assume that you mean the "trend will increase cheap labor rates". You can change it to this if you feel that more young people will receive this salary with no higher education. I would change the last sentence. Do you think that when young people delay their educational pursuits to travel, they stall their careers and later become unemployed? For example: Imagine a young person decided to wait to go to a good college. This person travels and works at a coffee shop for a year, but plans to sign up for the university to become a doctor.

Could it be that young people will be unemployed or they many never fulfill their career dreams? This is just something to think about to make your paper better.

Paragraph 3: This is an excellent point about soft skills. Please delete the word experience and place a comma after which. I'm having some difficulty understanding this next sentence. Will young people have basic skills needed for them to find a job? Is this correct? The next sentence you discuss a job link. You could say that traveling and working will help them to network with others and have references to help them find a job. For example, a job could require three references. These references should be professional. A young person could have references from their last job or use their interaction with people whom they met (network) while traveling to find out about jobs. The last sentence, please change the ending to while traveling.

Paragraph 4: Please delete "form of" in this last. Also, change "them" to "it" in the last sentence.

Undergraduate / My future goals - what to do in the future is a decision for the rest of our life [6]

1) Just correct the second sentence by deleting, which are, and changing to about. When you say you didn't know where to work, I am thinking you have many job offers. However, I think you mean that you didn't know whether to start working. If this is correct, change the word where to whether. This shows that you were undecided or didn't know what to do. The last sentence I want you to put the word about after think.

2) Instead of describing traveling as tools for life you could say life skills. Also, you can use a transition word such as However or Yet when referring to your desire to keep studying. For example: However, I want to keep pursuing my education. Change the word Psychologist to psychologist. I am able to understand your writing, but I am confused about what you want to study. Human resources and psychology are different fields at a university. Here is what I feel you are trying to tell the reader:

I am a psychologist, but I am interested in human resources. I am interested in a master's program called, "work and organizational psychology". If this is not true, then you should change this so the reader can understand your plans for the future.

3) I think you should change the sentence about your boyfriend. How do you want to work together with him? I think this may not belong or fit with this sentence. Let me give you an example to help you. Ex: When I am ready to settle down, my future goal is to marry my boyfriend, buy a home, and have children. Often in English, we use ready to settle down because we are referring to being in a committed relationship and sharing our life with someone. You were almost correct in trying to explain this.

4) You are almost correct in this last sentence. You want to express that "there is no recipe for happiness".

*I feel the biggest correction you can make to your paper is to make a paragraph with these three goals. The paragraph should start with, "I have three goals for the future." Then the next sentence you should discuss wanting to travel to another country. The paragraph should end with the last sentence at the end of this essay. This would change your paper from a few paragraphs to only two paragraphs. The reader will be able to follow your thoughts better because it will be more organized.

Scholarship / How will the subject contribute to my career? [4]

I am going to list how you were persuasive and this will help you decide whether you need to make changes.
1) You feel that a masters will help you to apply the knowledge you gain to real world experiences in that field.
2) It will help you gain knowledge that will help you in the field of engineering
3) Having a masters will enable you to develop many skills that employers desire, so you can be a better employee at
work and contribute to the community.

You have minimal mistakes in this essay but I will point out some errors:
1st paragraph: Place "a" after the word obtaining when describing the Masters of Engineering program.
2nd paragraph: If interpreting plans is a separate job duty, I would start a new sentence to discuss interpreting plans. You could simply say that you will also be able to interpret plans and begin to list the other knowledge you have listed in this paragraph.

3rd paragraph: Change graduating in to "graduating with a". When you discuss shows a great promise, please just delete the "a". Do you mean students can practice English anywhere or whenever possible? There should be a comma after network. Also, add "their" after communication. This is just a suggestion, but I think you could change large opportunity to huge opportunity or an immense opportunity. When you discuss acquiring strength from diversity what do you mean? Place a comma after organizations.

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

1st paragraph: Is it a public administrations program or public administration program? Take the -s off if this applies. Also, I don't think you need a colon after Baruch College. Therefore, delete the colon and put a period in its place.

2nd paragraph: Change from became her caregiver to become her caregiver. I'm asking you to make this correction because you made care giver two words. I also think it would be best to change working experience to work experience.

3rd paragraph: The first two sentences don't seem to fit anymore in your essay. If you look at the first sentence in the 6th paragraph, it seems like you are addressing this issue. In this paragraph it is a continuation of you being a caregiver and helping to assist your mom.

5th paragraph: Changed the word discuss to "discussed" in the third sentence.
I was having difficulty following what you were involved with in this paragraph. Here is my understanding:
1) You help organized wellness workshops
2) You participated in health care fairs and you took participants blood pressure and screened them for diabetes.
3) During these health fairs, did you offer participants information for group support sessions with topics such as diabetes and eating orders? Did you also distribute information on heart disease, breast cancer, and mental health issues?

When I read this, I became really confused. You have to separate the wellness workshops from the health care fair description to make it easier to understand for the reader. If you read my questions you can have an idea of how to express this information in a sentence. If this is not what you did, then please explain.

6th paragraph: I had to read the first sentence more than once. I am going to ask you to say, "I am interested in public healthcare management because I want to...."The rest of this sentence is fine. You just need to change part of the sentence so you can grab the reader's attention. Change this sentence by adding a comma after program: By studying in the program,

7th paragraph: There needs to be a link between the programs and interactions you have had. If there is not, the reader may be left to wonder why you are making this statement. You can add "in conjunction with" after scholarship programs. You are trying to tie the two ideas together. You could also say along with. Place an before "alumni" in the third sentence.The last sentence should not be separated from the rest of the paragraph. You can include it as the last sentence in the last paragraph.