Writing Feedback / Should Children with Less Artistic Talent Concentrate More On Practical Subjects? [2]

Hello nuni11

There are two issues with the text. First, a number of featured sentences are little too complex, which in turn makes them somewhat unintelligible. For example, the first sentence would sound much better if refined as follows:

As of today, there is still much disagreement among teachers and parents about whether attending art-classes by children should be compulsory - even in cases when a particular child exhibits the apparent lack of artistic talents.

Second, since it is an argumentative text, you should consider using the appeals to ethos and pathos (rhetorical techniques... you can find definitions online), while defending your point of view. As far as I can see, you've only used the appeal to logos (the reference to the New York Times report). Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 : which one is better between childcare services or grandparenting programme for children? [4]

Hello ichatea07

I think, many sentences in your text are unnecessary complex. I simplified a few of them to illustrate what I mean. Also, you should try making sure that there are smooth transitions between sentences. Here is the example:

Sentence 1. Nowadays, it became a commonplace practice among fully employed parents to allow childcare services to look after their children, instead of entrusting this task to the elderly family-members.

Sentence 2. Nevertheless, I believe that even though elderly folks do possess much experience in childcare, it is namely within the settings of the daycare centers that children are being treated in the most professionally sound manner.

Regards.

Writing Feedback / Mountains play a very important role in geology, and earth geography. [3]

Hello alirakiyan

I think, the text will sound much better if reformulated as follows:

Mountains are very important to the sciences of geography and geography.
Mountains contribute to the creation of deserts and jungles.
Many mountains are well-known throughout the world, such as Everest and Kilimanjaro.
During the time of war, mountains often end up playing a decisive role.
For an army it always represents much challenge trying to cross a mountainous terrain.

Other than that, the contained sentences are easy to understand, for which you deserve a credit. You could you use listening to some news in English to get a better 'feeling' of the language. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Childcare centers provide the best services for children of pre-school age [2]

Hello there indah_hai

I think, you will be so much better off using some simpler sentences.

Below are some rewritten sentences, so that you may get a better clue as to how this can be done:

Whereas some parents believe in the benefits of childcare, others insist that children will be much better off taken care of by the extended family members.

The most commonly recognized benefit of childcare facilities is the availability of trained professionals. As some recent studies by Queen University indicate, during the course of last three years there has been much improvement in the quality of childcare services.

It is commonly believed that the next-of-kin caregivers are much less likely to subject children to any physical or mental abuse.

And so it goes... Your task is to make sure that every individual sentence is easily understandable. Regards.

Writing Feedback / DO THE COLOURS INFLUENCE THE PURCHASING DECISION? IELTS Task 2 [2]

Hello there... here are some corrections for you:
In my point of view - In my view
This consideration is indeed true because someone is ... - This consideration is indeed rather plausible, because people do tend to pay much attention to colors.

However, unfortunately, colour is not the strongest factor ... - However, colour is not the strongest factor that influences purchasing decisions, on the part of consumers.

Dominant factors that customer are generally taken into consideration - Dominant factors that consumers usually do take into consideration
Such as cloth or cell phone - Such as clothes of cell phones
This is because physical appearance like the colour ... - The reason for this is that colour does draw people's attention
In semiotics is explained that colour has an influence ... Colour does have a strong effect one one's mood.
A great number of companies consider enriching the types ... . - Many companies do strive to make sure that the would-be sold products are colorful enough, as the mean of ensuring high sales.

Paragraph 3 begins with the same statement found in Paragraph 1 (You should remove it).

The price and the brand of the product precisely have a significant ... - The price and the brand of a particular product play a significant role in attracting costumers' interest

The majority of people tend to consider the brand of the certain ... -no need for this sentence, because it's repetitive.
A recent poll by the customer in a Mega Mall Indonesia - A recent poll, conducted among consumers visiting the Mega Mall Indonesia
Colour obviously influence someone's interest - Colour does influence one's buying decisions
Colours of certain product are just a final consideration when ... - sounds gibberish.. it's better to have this sentence removed. You can say - Once consumers are satisfied with the product's quality/price, they pay more attention to its color.

Writing Feedback / Why do so many people want to study in English? Is it such an important international language? [3]

Hello. I applied some stylistic adjustments to the text so that it sounds more refined. Marked in green are the corrected/altered sentences. I didn't change anything in the last paragraph... it's just, I'm not too sure about the point you're trying to make in it. If you clarify that for me, I'll readjust the last paragraph, as well. Regards. W.

Each year, more and more young people from around the world travel to the English-speaking countries, such as the UK, USA, and Australia. Many of these individuals do it for the purpose of obtaining a high-quality education in English from schools, colleges or universities.

The concerned language is spoken, understood and recognized by many people throughout the world, especially by those who themselves happened to be highly educated.

The main reason for these individuals to decide to study abroad is that it is either the standards of education in their own countries are not high enough, or that the persons in question are interested in obtaining some out-of-home studying experience.

Another reason for this has to do with the fact that one's educational pursuits in an English-speaking country are helped by the person's continual socialization with native speakers - something that will help rather substantially for him or her to develop a conversational proficiency in English. Some people would also want to learn other cultures during their study period.

Learning a new language is much too difficult, especially through the process's initial phases. For example, if someone wants to learn the German language, he or she would have to get itself thoroughly familiarized with the language's grammar and vocabulary first. It is understood, of course, that this will present much of a challenge - all due to the time-consuming nature of such a pursuit.

Writing Feedback / False, deceptive advertising - strategies to deceive consumers [2]

The following are the corrections that I think should be applied to the text: 1. 'there has been an precendented ' - an unprecedented. 2. 'They take advantage ' - These companies take advantage. 3. 'to fool consumers ' - to mislead consumers. 4. 'a lot of people discuss ' - people used to discuss. 5. 'What they get ' - What buyers get. 5. 'A pair of sneakers endorsed by a race champion may be more appealing than those without celebrities ' - A pair of sneakers, endorsed by a celebrity, will represent a much greater commercial appeal to consumers, as compared to what it would have been the case without such an endorsement. 6. 'advertisements make consumers confused by using scientific concepts ' - advertisers often confuse consumers by the mean of referring to the opinions of 'experts', which are, in fact, nothing but hired actors.