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Posts by DoctorWho
Name: Deny Ponnachan
Joined: Aug 22, 2016
Last Post: Dec 28, 2020
Threads: -
Posts: 46  
Likes: 29
From: India
School: M.S Ramaiah Medical College, Bangalore

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DoctorWho   
Feb 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / Increasing use of vehicles contributes to air pollution and leads to an overuse of natural resources [3]

Hey Maitouyen!!

Overall an ok essay.
I think your conclusion is pretty solid. But the introduction can be written in a better way.
The content seems to be less.

I've slightly modified the Introduction -
In the present day, the rising number of private vehicles on the roads have been a matter of great controversy. Some say it is a direct consequence of modernization and economic development, but is this really a boon?

In the content part of the essay is where you answer the question in detail. Write points in favor.
1) The increasing no of vehicles = More exhaust fumes = Direct damage to ozone layer in atmosphere and greenhouse effect.( Rising global temperature)
2) Increasing consumption and depletion of natural resources.

Other points include -
*Traffic congestion leading to noise pollution.
* Increasing Road traffic accidents, etc

Start the second part of the question with something like-
The problems associated with increasing private vehicles has dire consequences and needs prompt actions for it's control.

* Improving standards of Public transport and introduction of new means like metro rail lines.
* Carpooling
* Certain Govt. laws regarding the no. of vehicles per home. ( I think i read an article of the sort somewhere, so that can be one of the steps the govt takes to ensure less vehicles.)

Good Luck! :)
DoctorWho   
Feb 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / Total School Spending in the United Kingdom during three separate decades [3]

Hey Anabel.

Time distribution is very important. Firstly read up on the entire material given and then focus on your writing.
Once you have an idea on what to write, spend some time to make it sound more interesting. There should always be something that makes your essay stand out!

Even though you've summarized most of the information, it is very monotonous.

"For Example - The pie charts given above denote the variations in the expenditure pattern of a single school in the United Kingdom over the last 2 decades.

Most parameters have changed over this period.
The majority of the money is spent on teacher's salaries. It was 40% in 1981, which subsequently spiked to 50% in 1991 before finally reaching 45% in 2001. "

Use Synonyms where ever possible.
Good Luck :)
DoctorWho   
Feb 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Six pie charts about water usage worldwide [4]

Hi Mariana13!!

The way you write this essay depends on what it's for. I'm presuming it's a regular school/college essay.

The Pie chart given below shows the distribution of water for agricultural, industrial and domestic usage in six major regions of the world.

Firstly, looking at the developing areas such as South America, Africa, Central and South East Asia, it is evident that major potion of the available water ie. over 70-80% is utilized for agriculture. Water for industrial and domestic use is only a small fraction of the whole. This gives us an idea about the majority of the population is involved in agriculture for the livelihood.

The developed regions such as North America and Europe show a different picture. The total available water is more uniformly distributed for all the fields, with maximum utilization by Industries. This indirectly tells us that most of the population is involved in skilled labour.

This chart thus makes the comparison of developed and developing nations easier using a simple modality like water usage.
--
Like Doel says above, you can add more content by stating the % of water utilized.
DoctorWho   
Jan 29, 2017
Graduate / On my way to the Master's program in Digital Marketing in Smurfit School [4]

Hey!!

Overall a good essay. Just making a few corrections.


Having started my career as (...) in Vietnam. Despite taking 101 courses, I haveand realized that being successful (...) more than just the basics. Therefore, the thirst for knowledge has reinforcedThe thirst for knowledge plays a pivotal role in my decision to enroll ... ("Reinforced" would be more appropriate at a later part of the essay. Eg- In addition to Reason 1, reason 2 reinforced my decision to join.)

Not being well equipped/versed with in-depth knowledge, (...) make connections with a brand's expectation.
... convince clients of the impact of digital (...) past projects forinvolving skincare ...
... to choose your excellent/prestigious program offerings that focus on (...) skills and technology updates, ...

... knowledge exchange is another study driver/ has further reinforced my decision to join the programme . During the time (...) shared with me theWorking in the past with Indian and British colleagues, I gained immense knowledge regarding the differences in media behavior and digital advances from theirin different countries. TheMy curiosity about those has turned into a wish to adopt some ina Vietnam context for ...

... are international students across nations(International and across nations convey the same idea) , there is no better (...) and earn invaluable learningsinputs from other peers.

In such a role, both of the enthusiasm for (...) conjoined to position myselfI could combine my enthusiasm for digital marketing with my strength at systemic and analytical thinking to reach my highest potential .

This is believed toI believe, will boost my self-growth and ...

I've used "/" in some places. You can use either of the two words or sentences.
Good Luck :)

DoctorWho   
Oct 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / ..it's hard to live without it.. The advantages and disadvantages of the invented computer; [3]

Hello Samson!!

Making a few changes. Hope it helps!!
I would suggest Starting off the esay with the merits together and then later showing that despite these benefits, there are certain problems as well.


INTRO: Since the advent of the computer age, there has been a steady development in the standards of living. This has been attributed to an increased efficiency in work using computer technology.

Firstly, computers have an immense capacity to store data regarding various fields, acting as the ultimate database for knowledge. Further due to algorithm solving, heavy workloads are completed in a short span of time. Also, the user friendly nature of this technology has made life much easier. One of the few examples of this would be artificial Intelligence developed using computers, which are the basis for present day robots helping in a variety of industries

Now we talk about the demerits.

Yet, even with these immense benefits, certain demerits go hand in hand.
One of the biggest issues today with the development of computers and machines is that it leads to the elimination of a lot of jobs. Industrial equipments are slowly replacing the human workforce, simply because of increased efficiency, reduced time, and lower costs. This could lead to unemployment of many members of the middle and lower classes of the society.

To summarize, computers are an astonishing creation which has made life easier for the entire community, but vigilance is required with it's operation.
DoctorWho   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary: If You're Trying to Get Pregnant, Here's What You Need to Know about Stress [2]

Hey!!

I'm making just a few changes. Hope it helps.

In this technological era, humans have made the best out of everything. Advances in health care, better lifestyles and a safe environment are some of the many. Yet despite this, infertility continues to emerge as a new burden.

An alarming number of couples today are infertile, mostly attributing to hormonal and genetic disorders. But another major cause is rising levels of stress, probably a direct consequence of our new lifestyle.
According to a new study published in the journal Annals ...

The respondents of this study were 400 [...] were during less stressful months.
This shows a link between the emotional state of a woman and fertility. While further studies are being conducted to find more pressing data, in the meanwhile, exercise, meditation and other simple methods can be adopted to reduce stress levels and help in conception.

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