Posts by dils - page 2

dils

Sep 18, 2016

Writing Feedback / Sarah Lewis - Embrace the near win (TED) [2]

Sarah Lewis, an art historian, describes the line between losing and winning. That line called "the near win". We convert success to mastery when we value the gift of the near win. If success is about hitting the target, then mastery is not about having a commitment to a goal, but a constant pursue.

Mastery closely related with the near win. Both of that focused on what we plan to do to reach out our goals right now. Near win is the reason to continue, also it makes us never feel enough to overcome the problems. In keeping with that, embrace the near win means that we still have more to do.

dils

Sep 18, 2016

Writing Feedback / Summary Article : In the Netherlands, Empty Prisons Become Homes for Refugees [3]

Hi Andhika,

Nice topic, however, as read your writing here some suggestions for you.

1. an empty prisons . The article "an" means singular, so it should be prison.

2. to increased

3. facility public [public facility]

3. There werewas a photographer Muhammed Muheisen

4. had devoted [has been devoting] the past few years to photographing

5. Refugees were not allowed to worked

Over all, please check your part of speech, subject-verb agreement, and the flow ideas through the passage. Don't forget to conclude your writing at the end of the passage.

One paragraph should be contained by one main idea and the explanation. Try to elaborate your writing from the very general into the detail.

Good luck.

dils

Sep 18, 2016

Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary 6: Carrie Green-Programming your mind for success (TED) [2]

Carrie Green, founder of Female Entrepreneur Association, stated that the most common reasons that stop the people to reach out what they desire are fear, obstacle, and lack of motivation. Self-limiting thought and procrastination restrict the people from make the most of their available opportunities. In keeping with that, it is clearly seen that what we are thinking about impacts our behavior.

Became aware about what's on mind is the first step to program our mind for success. After that, learn to replace the negative thoughts with the positive and empowering mind. The last, don't forget to believe in, it helps us to endure the hard situations. Over all, being mindful and positive are the key points for success.

dils

Sep 18, 2016

Writing Feedback / Do schools kill creativity - TED Summary - Sir Ken Robinson [3]

Hi Fadhil,

What a very interesting topic, you talk about creativity and education. Concerned with that, here I give you some suggestions about your writing.

1. "In reality, children with full of creativity may forgot them as they grow older." I suggest u to modify this sentence because this is confusing the readers. Make sure the word "them" is referring to something that you have mentioned at previous sentence.

2. "This is because creativity needs to come [up] with original ideas or interest . This is about parallelism, so it sholud be interests.

3. "...which makes it difficult for adult to do it ." This is confusing, the word "it" refers to?

4. "...which demand as to think in every way,..." what is this part means?

Over all, please pay attention to how you create the flow of this writing. Notify that a good passage is easy to understand. Also, the cohesion of the idea which construct the whole passage needs to improve.

Good luck

dils

Sep 16, 2016

Writing Feedback / The best way to refresh mind and body conditions is to spend the leisure time in natural environment [2]

IELTS Summary 5: Using Leisure Time

Research shows that mostly people are not optimizing their leisure time. In keeping with this tendency, health practitioners suggest that the best way to refresh mind and body conditions is to spend the leisure time in natural environment, which lead the people to have physical activities. It is related to the fact that mostly population in the world living in a city with abundant stimulus.

Having vacation is one of the ways in which the majority people do to spend the leisure time. Italia has the most vocation time; it is forty-two days per year and America has the least with thirteen days per year. However, the highest satisfaction for vocation time comes from the British due to the outdoor physical activities that they choose.

Therefore, it is should be deliberated to make the most of leisure time for outdoor activities regarding its benefit and satisfaction.

dils

Sep 16, 2016

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates - how do you stop deadly disease that spread by mosquitos? [3]

Hi @hujjatul19,

Nice post from you, it is interesting because you summarized such a renowned person's speech. Regarding with that, personally I give you some suggestion to keep your essay as great as it can be.

1. "Bill Gates's speech focused...."

2. Notice your part of speech, this part should be ".....and how do you make a great teacher ?..."

3. Pay attention to the punctuation
"The deadly disease, in this case is malaria, had been a ..."

4. "As a result, the number (...) went down. [and] Most of infected countries ..."

5. "... still numerous countries ~~had~~ [have] the disease."

6. "....everyone who is expert in ~~their~~ [its] field to make a change."

7. "KIP (Knowledge is Power), a school that has great teachers. [,] They points..."

This is it, hope it can be useful for your works. One important thing is keep writing so you can improve your skill.

dils

Sep 15, 2016

Writing Feedback / Successful performance is not merely physics, it's also a multitude combination of supporting skills [3]

IELTS Summary 4: Peripheral Vision in Sports

Successful performance is not merely about physical predictors, it also about a multitude combination of supporting skills. One significant skill can be refers to visual ability. Athletes, for example, have to be able to utilize this visual ability, especially the peripheral vision in order to be fully functioning during the game.

Peripheral vision enables the athletes to observe the boundaries of visual range, which help them to attain the best effort. Peripheral vision involves the ability to process stimulus quickly. A simple example of peripheral vision can be seen when a basketball player must dribble the ball toward the ring and stay bring to notice the position of the other players by using the edge of eyes. Thus, such a kind of peripheral vision capacity brings advantages for the athletes' performance.

dils

Sep 15, 2016

Writing Feedback / Many birds migrating very long distances to breed and feed their youngsters [3]

Hi, BAMS14

As a read your summary, here I give you some suggestions.

1. "Many bird migrationregularly which fascinating observer."
"Many" refers to plural, so it should be "many bird migrations".

2. "Types of migration are different ~~each other,~~ ..."

3. "...many bird migration to breeding and feeding their young....". I suggest this form, "...many birds migrate to breed and feed their young..."

4. "Types of migration are different each other, many bird migration to ..." This is a little bit too long for one sentence, you can divide this one sentence into two to avoid being confused with the idea that you want to reveal.

5. As possible as you can, avoid the repetitions. You may use the other words to enrich your essay.

6. Notice that you need to put the conclusion or closing statement of what you are writing.

7. Please pay attention to how each sentence flow so all the passage easy to understand and the readers got your points.

dils

Sep 15, 2016

Writing Feedback / How to raise successful kids - without over-parenting by Julie Lythcott-Haims [2]

Hi mdamanhuri77 ,

It's a nice topic, in keeping with that, I have some suggestions for you.

1. "Over-parenting is still most parents do for their children." The composition of the sentence needs to fix a little bit more. Remember that "most" refers to superlative pattern that should be "the most". "Parents" in this sentence should be "parents'".

2. "Not really, because if we do (...) and over-ptotecting, [it] will be unadiquate for the children."

3. "... to become what we want with a perfection."

4. "We seem to behave in and make them follow our mind." I suggest combining this sentence with the previous one "..., it seems that we behave...." Please pay attention to what you are trying to reveal and choose the effective words for that.

5. The idea in the second paragraph needs to deliver in clear statements. This paragraph needs to transform to another way of deliver because it is a kind of confusing for the readers.

6. The cohesion and the flow of something that we are trying to tell is very important. You have to note that every paragraph should contain with one main idea, supported by explanation, and closed with conclusion at the end of the essay

dils

Sep 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / Some birds migrate from the breeding ground to the other area for the rest of the remained season. [7]

IELTS Summary 2: Bird Migration

In life, there is a kind of situation brings us to make an alteration. The same thing as what the bird follows through in its life. The bird migrates from the breeding ground to the other area for the rest of the left season.

Birds migrate in two kinds of forms, across latitudes and altitudes. When birds migrate across the latitudes, they travel head off higher latitudes to lower latitudes. Subsequently, in the term of birds migrate across altitudes, the phenomenon shows birds alight from higher to lower altitudes.

Birds navigate the location by looking at the nature cues. At the time birds migrate, they also exert their body fat to fuel this remarkable escapade. Thus, this bird's movement always overawed observers for centuries.

dils

Sep 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / Is damaged tropical rainforest caused by Logging industry? [5]

Hi PHA2016,
Let me give my personal suggestion about your writing.
1. Now days, logging industry had supplied several ...
Now days refer to present condition and had supplied refer to past condition, make sure that you use the correct tenses, it depends on what the idea that you want to tell to the readers.

Several impact - several impacts.
2. "Some areas felt habitat loss, pollution and climate ..." - Some are along countries in Central Africa .... felt habitat loss, pollution and climate change.

3. "~~And also~~ Logging activity" - Logging activity also.
4. "both terrestrial and aquatic..." - both in terrestrial and aquatic.
5. "All habitat in forest will be getting bad impact too". It will be better to modify this sentence.
6. "Forest especially the tropical rainfall forest ~~will be~~ contribute to natural resource"
7. "Responsible logging activity will be guaranty in our nature and habitat still a life". Maybe you better try to use other words to describe the condition that you mean to be.

Keep writing.

dils

Sep 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / The logging industry supplies the raw materials for array of products [3]

Hi Mawahi,
What a really nice summary to share, as we are learning to get better, this is my humble suggestion four your summary.
1. Please take a look at the way you put punctuation and capital letters.
2. "this is without untold harm to the environment"
"without" and "untold" - both are negation, please pick which one to use.
3. "the form of life was divided to be two both are terrestrial and aquatic"
"two" and "both" - meaning the same, it will be better if you just use "two" and then make a little bit modification with the sentence.

4. The last paragraph is quite confusing actually. Please make sure the idea that you are trying to deliver to the reader.
"logging forest is one vital of sciene"
5. Over all it's better that you pay attention to the cohesion of every sentence, so that the reader can catch the point.
Last but not least, keep writing, keep learning, hope you can improve your English skill.

dils

Sep 13, 2016

Writing Feedback / Logging industry needs supply from environment to deliver products which leads to the massive damage [2]

IELTS Summary 1: Environmental Impacts of Logging

Fitting together, industry and environment nowadays become indivisible. Logging industry in particular, needs supply from environment to deliver products. Unfortunately, the logging brings the environment closer to massive damage. Environment such as rainforest is habitat and patron for the living thing.

The ecosystem of rainforest covers the soil from erosion. The root helps to protect the loss of fertile soil and trees have canopy branches to conserve the soil surface from heavy rainfall. Concerned with that, construction for logging accesses brought heavy compression on the land and endangers the water.

Logging industry activities inevitably had affected various areas. As a filter of the air pollutant, trees give myriads of advantages, but by cutting down the trees, it can lead to rain acid and climate change. In the water, eroding soil has disrupted the viability of aquatic organism. Thus, the logging industry should consider reforesting for environmental sake.