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Posts by Holt [Educational Consultant]
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Holt  Educational Consultant  
Mar 1, 2021
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, shopping online has been spread widely over the world [2]

For band scoring, you will need to refer to our premium services where I will privately review and score your essay. Do not rely on scores provided by fellow students, should any of them try to do so (at the risk of account suspension) because they are not trained professionals who can accurately score your work based on specific criteria.

Your first paragraph should be a clear representation or restatement of the original discussion. I do not see a reference to all of the keyword elements from the original. You have a single line representing the restatement that does not respond to the question provided nor do you offer a clear idea as to what the actual discussion will be covering. You have responded that there are downsides with justifiable returns. That is not the question being asked. The question is whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Your response is not in accordance with the discussion instructions. The response is therefore, in error and cannot receive a passing TA score based on the prompt requirements for that section. Add to that the other problems of the essay in thought clarity, grammar usage, among others, and you have a non-passing essay presentation. The overall thought process is also scattered, lacking in definite focus for the discussion. You are not on target with this written presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Mar 1, 2021
Writing Feedback / [Writing Task 2]Topic summarize: Some countries have many aged people. What are the effects of this? [3]

When you say "As the figures show...", that means the reader will have access to an image that will prove your claim. However, there is no image supplied in a Task 2 essay. Therefore, your restatement of that section of the original prompt is incorrect. Rather than referring to an image, you should be referring to publicly known information for the restatement such as "Various countries show an increased population above the age of 60." While you can use the semicolon in this instance, the next string of thought is not related to the previous statement so it would be better to place a pause in that section using a period. Then stating the next topic for discussion. For that part, there is no need to refer to various number of deaths, just the positive and negative impacts of the age situation.

I understand that you will take the CBT for this, which is why you are typing so many words. However, it would be better for the balanced presentation of your information to stick to the word range of 250-290 words. That is because, as i read your essay, it became clear to me that you are not focused on the coherence and cohesiveness of your explanation, upon which you are scored. You are only focused on the number of words, on which you are NOT scored. If your essay shows underdeveloped explanations due to the number of topics in a paragraph, but little developed explanations, you will find yourself scoring less rather than more in the TA and C&C sections.

Now, I also know what you are studying from a book, which will teach you differently from the way I teach the self-study students here. I am not going to debate how the book teaches you how to write, what other websites say, or how your tutor teaches you. This is a one time review of this paper. If my advice is unacceptable or questionable to you, then please, feel free not to post in this forum anymore. Refer instead to your book and or your tutor.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Undergraduate / '...feel the sweetness of life after struggling'; GKS Undergraduate application - personal statement [2]

The motivation factor being referred to in this case is not your motivation to study in Korea. Rather, it is a your career motivation that led you to decide that Korea is the best place for you to pursue your masters course. The motivation should answer the question "Why Korea instead of Indonesia for your masters studies?" So the quote that you used at the start is irrelevant. Personal statement should rely solely on your own words to describe your responses. The quote is not appropriate as a motivational statement because it does not ask you why you want to go to Korea to study but rather, what motivates you to study the masters course in Korea. The keyword is "program". The program is the masters course.

You are over focused on the GKS alumna and how you inspired your decision to study in Korea. However, her inspiration does not relate back to a career inspiration or something relevant. the inspiration and role model should again, be related to the reason why you want to become a better professional through the help of the GKS, it is not about going to Korea simply for the life experience and social development, which is what is starting to become the prominent aspect of this personal statement.

The overall presentation is incomplete when you compare it to the prompt requirements. Perhaps because you did not truly understand the requirements for the response. You created an extremely wordy essay that focused on something you mentally set as the central discussion point of your essay rather than considering the individual responses to required information. Based on this presentation, you will not qualify beyond the 1st consideration round.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Writing Feedback / Essay about the advantages and disadvantages of Internet for Ielts Task 2 [3]

Aside from the discussion of the advantage and disadvantage of the internet, the main question, which you failed to respond to in the presentation is; 'To what extent do you agree or disagree?" The basis of your thesis statement response is therefore, incorrect as you did not give the correct measured response to the question. Instead, you indicated an irrelevant response regarding the internet developing and proliferating rapidly in future. Reading this incorrect response from you will make the examiner give you a failing score in the TA section due to a response error. It is unrelated to the task provided.

The discussion should have represented 2 reasons that show the extent of your dis/agreement with the given statement. Instead you offered a comparative discussion that does not relate to the measured response discussion requirement. Hence the misdirected response presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Scholarship / 2021 GKS SCHOLARSHIP - PERSONAL STATEMENT - INTERNATIONAL TRADE [2]

Hi Sharon. Listen, I can really see the sincerity in your application. You are doing your best to prove that you have a clear motivation, a career path, and an interest in Korea as a country and a center of education. However, you are missing several key points in the presentation based on the new requirements for the personal statement. As I am sure that you have a copy of the e-application packet, you should be able to easily access the personal statement form and read the prompt requirements. You will be able to decipher for yourself which aspects you failed to present in this essay and what you have to remove. Your essay is more slanted towards the old prompt requirements, which means you are missing several key points in this presentation. Kindly review the prompt requirements and adjust your presentation accordingly. Your current presentation does not fulfill the needed information and as such, will not help the reviewer to appropriately consider your application for the scholarship program.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Scholarship / Personal Statement about Public Administration - Graduate program GKS [2]

The first paragraph, though imaginative in presentation, does not offer itself as a part of any appropriate response. It does not clearly relate to any of the prompt requirements. I believe it would be best for you to simply delete that presentation since it does not fit the essay and does not help to move any of the presentations forward. It does not connect to the presentation. If you meant that as your motivational statement, then you failed to deliver that impression and information. You have to come up with a clearer motivational statement to open the presentation.

Due to your lack of work experience, you need to find a replacement reference to that that could show the integration of your profession into your community relationships. Unfortunately, a discussion group does not fit that requirement. It needs to be something more notable such as being a legal intern, a legal apprenticeship, or shadowing a lawyer of sorts.

Due to the lack of accomplishments and a shortage of your acquired skills, I cannot truly say that this is a competitive statement. The competition is getting fiercer every year and seemingly average applications often cannot withstand the first round of considerations.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Writing Feedback / Average annual expenditure on cell phone, national and international fixed-line services, 2001-2010 [2]

Avoid run-on sentences in your summary overview. You will lose C&C points for presenting all the information in one long sentence when it should have been presented separately. By the way, you have to mention the starting year of the survey along with the ending year of the survey. Remember, you are summarizing the information so include all overview information that is easily seen from the image.

There is an incomplete information presentation in the third paragraph, the figure for global fixed line services does not indicate any measurement reference. Always present supporting information for each reference point. That way you truly inform the reader and retain the clarity of the presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - the production of instant noodles [2]

Basic format for this presentation is 3 paragraphs. That means there needs to be:
- A summary overview + trending statement (without a personal opinion)
- Explanation of the starting to middle process
- Description of the packing process or final process

You failed to provide the proper number of paragraph even though you wrote more than the minimum word count. So that means the second paragraph just needed to be divided into 2 presentations to meet the requirement. The part about "Once noodles are cooked", should have been separated in a new paragraph.

There is a personal opinion presented in the opening paragraph, which is not a requirement in the Task 1 essay. This is just a direct descriptive report. Only the task 2 essay requires a personal opinion presentation. There is also a missing trending statement which means the essay does not fulfill the information requirements and presentation format for discussions in the task.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Letters / Sustainable & Innovative Natural Resource Management (SINREM) Motivation Letter [2]

since it is no longer an option.

- What is no longer an option and why? What is the relation of Covid to the SINREM studies? The environment has actually benefited from Covid 19 as the experts say the earth seemingly reset, specially in terms of the water ways, forest regrowth, and natural habitats. You should clarify what you mean about this statement. Do you mean we will not be able to sustain the positive effects of Covid on the natural system of the planet?

As a sustainability advisor, I

- You have well described your duties, responsibilities, and mission focus. There is a lack of accomplishment though based on these information that would show how your leadership skills, excellent planning, and flawless implementation abilities have led to your success as a sustainability adviser.

decided to get specialized in this area by pursuing a master's degree,

- Based on what professional motivation? How does this merge with your duties and responsibilities as a sustainability adviser? It appears that you merely decided to study this course based on general considerations instead of focused career applications and SDG programs.

I will expand my social network,

- For what benefit? Try to focus on how each university and course will help you achieve a networking goal for your SDG program.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 28, 2021
Writing Feedback / How can we protect biological diversity? [2]

There is a definite sense of importance to this writing. Your opening statement was imaginative, but seemingly suddenly lost from one event to another. You went from a flaming ball of rock to the existence of man. There are 12 cataclysmic events that comprise the evolution of the earth. The 13th of which is, according to Neil De Grasse Tyson, is forthcoming. You need to better represent the events in-between that led to the current state of the earth. You need a gradual idea development instead of ideas that jump timelines without clarity.

As for the paragraph about choosing world leaders, you are mistaken in your notion that there is no turning back when you elect a leader who does not believe in green energy. The next elected official can always change environmental policies as set by his predecessor. Therefore, there is no permanency to any environmental decision made by anyone. Remember that Trump pulled America out of energy and environmental agreements and Biden, put America back in. That is the basis of ever evolving government environmental regulations.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Graduate / 2021 GKS Graduate; Personal Statement; I'm the youngest member of a four... [3]

Your presentation is a mix of the new and old prompt requirements. You may want to review the new prompt requirements for your revised presentation. The section in this essay about your interest in Korea is not necessary for this application round. So the last 2 paragraphs of this presentation will need to be adjusted to suit the new requirements. From what I have read though, you have some pretty strong information both from your family background and your experiences in life. The fact that you have been a scholar before and attended exchange programs previously makes you a contender in the consideration round. There are definite risks taken and influential events in your life.

Hold it, I changed my mind. I believe that you need to reformat the presentation of the 3rd paragraph instead because it shows that you have a marked experience as a volunteer at the study cafe. Rather than referring to your interest in the Korean language and culture at that time, indicate instead that you were encouraged to travel to Korea by your Korean dorm mate. That will be the most impressive presentation that will cover 2 requirements in one paragraph:

- Person who had a significant influence on you, risks and achievements
- Extra curricular activities and work experiences

That said, you still need to revise your last paragraph. Additionally, in the first paragraph, you mention the family motivating factor, but, there is a missing professional motivation as it relates to your current job. You are currently employed right? In what capacity? How did this job influence your decision to study in Korea? That should also be indicated in the second paragraph as a formal motivating factor.

By the way, what did you mean by your brother attending his second university? Do you mean he is getting a second bachelor's degree? You should clarify that in the presentation. However, since that information is not directly related to you but to your brother, it would be better to delete that reference altogether. The reviewer doesn't need to know too much about your family. Only information about your family as it directly relates to you.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: The table below shows the number of vehicles registered in Australia in 2010 [2]

The presentation shows percentage of change, not percentage of growth. Your reference is incorrect. It should have been restated as "overall measurement variations in percentages" or something similar. A quick run down of the 5 vehicle types was also in order since this is part of the overview information. It would have been a helpful reference and strong supporting information for the trending statement.

The last sentence in the presentation can be better improved for clarity purposes by dividing it into individual sentences. The information would be clearer to the reader if you presented it as:

The figures for light and heavy trucks also increased over the measured period. Heavy trucks rose to 10.2%, from 384,000 to 423,000. Light trucks increased at a rate of 23.5%, from 106,000 to 131,000.

Avoid run-on presentations as these tend to confuse the information being presented. It becomes more difficult to follow when there are no clear demarcations in the presentation. In fact, all of the paragraphs could have been helped by better information division in the presentations. However, I am unable to show you more than one example for that in this post because showing you those changes would require me to basically rewrite the whole essay, which I am not permitted to do.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Scholarship / 'intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death'. Letter for MAIA scholarship [3]

Not a bad motivational letter. You have shown a personal, academic, and professional interest in the course that you have chosen. However, I am unclear as to what your current job is and how your chosen masters will relate to your professional improvement. Sure you mentioned CAD and that you have a bachelors degree. Degree in what? You will have to remind the reviewer of this whenever applicable as there will be a tendency to forget how the essays connect with your profession.

You may want to explain why you were motivated to apply for this scholarship based also, on the opportunity to gain a unique education in the country of your choice. Justify the motivation to study abroad, in a particular country, as opposed to studying in your home country. That should help make the motivation even clearer to the reviewers.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Scholarship / Leadership, community service. The Global UGRAD. Why would I be a great participant in this program? [2]

Remove the reference point about how you are familiarizing yourself with American culture. That is not part of the community leadership discussion. It is irrelevant and does not have a place in this discussion. You will have to create a new conclusion that focuses on your leadership abilities, accomplishments, and leadership style instead to create a better summation of the previous discussion.

The extra curricular club activity that you led is not one that will impress the reviewers. This is a group activity that had to do with dance as a program or show. You are being asked to justify your leadership abilities based on how your project or team effort led to an improvement or change in the lives of the people residing in the community. That part is not represented at all in this presentation. So I cannot really say that you were able to portray yourself as a community leader based on the discussion requirements.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Research Papers / Research Essay: Politics: The Destructor of Relationships [2]

The opening paragraph takes too long to get to the thesis statement. You are over introducing the topic. Try to get to the point sooner, within the first paragraph. Try to create a blended paragraph instead that covers the information from the 2 paragraphs into one cohesive presentation instead. That way you do not bore the reader with too much introductions. It is the thesis statement that matters the most to the reader.

There is a problem when it comes to the authenticity of the information you are posting. Most of your citations and references are based on 3rd party information. You know, the "he said that she said that they said..." Try to make these more authoritative by first, informing the reader about the background of the person who wrote the article. Who is Kirsten Weir? Why should we listen to her when she quotes someone else as a source of information? What makes her an authority? The same goes for DiDonato and Adcox. These are all interesting articles to cite but the reason we should believe these statements from these people is suspect without a background introduction of sorts.

You have a strong closing statement. It sums up the discussion very well and provides a plea from the author to stop the madness. It works for the purpose you intended it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Scholarship / DRL model - [KGSP] MASTER IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - Goal of study and detailed study plan [3]

Are you going to be attending a research based masters course? If so, then you need to refocus your goal of study and study plan to show an interest in a specific line of learning supported within and outside the classroom. If I were the one writing this essay, I would focus specifically on explaining:

My primary goal for the study in KAIST is to publish two papers regarding DRL during my master's studying period.

What would each paper cover? What is your ultimate goal in researching those topics? Why do you need to publish 2 papers covering it? How can the university help you study these better outside of the academic setting? The study plan should show how you are interested in pursuing information that, though supported by the masters course, may be of a special interest to you due to its career based application.

Based on this version, I believe you can revise the essay using the following as the basis for it:

My main goal for the study in KAIST AI school is to publish two DRL papers ... anonymous KAIST authors.

That is impressive, shows a goal for the studies and creates a basis for your study plan based on the 2 research topics. Just make sure not to repeat information that are more relevant to the Research Proposal section of the application.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Scholarship / [KGSP/GKS SCHOLARSHIP] MASTER IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - Future plan after study [2]

, I will make my best effort to seek funding and kick-start my own business.

That should be the focal point of this future plan after study. They are not interested in knowing your future academic plans. They want to know how you will apply what you have learned to your profession. How you plan to apply it and, how it can make a change in the world of RDL. Do not set yourself up to look like a professional student who will not leave Korea after your complete your studies. You could be mistaken for someone who is using the student visa to get around the residency requirements for professionals ( or something along those lines). Focus on your return to your home country and how you will apply what you have learned professionally either through your career advancement, or sharing of knowledge.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / Maths and business success - IELTS Writing Task 2 Opinion Essay [2]

There is a missing sentence in your thesis statement in the first paragraph. You forgot to indicate the measured response. Is it a partial disagreement with the statement? If so, why? Your discussion topics outline shows a partial disagreement with the statement, you should have framed the last sentence to clearly refer to that. Why? You are scored based on the clarity of your opinion. Therefore, you need to state that opinion directly and clearly, in a manner understood by the examiner, within the first paragraph. Yes, you gave an implication of such an opinion, but an implication of an opinion is not the same as a clear opinion. An implied opinion can be misunderstood by the reader, a direct and clear opinion, cannot be misunderstood.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / The high salary should be more concerned than the degree of satisfaction in job. What's your opinion [2]

When you partially advocate for the given statement, you are writing an extent essay. You are not writing an agree or disagree essay. Only the extent essay allows you to use a measured response for your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. The required opinion for this essay is either a complete agreement or disagreement, with the supporting paragraphs focused only on that opinion justification. So, this essay will be given a score based on not a response not relevant to the task provided. As a starting TA score, it is low enough to prevent you from receiving a passing score. Always remember, the first part of the scoring process is based on your English comprehension skills and ability to follow instructions in English. Fail to do that, show an inability to analyze the given discussion scenario, and you just might fail the test based on the first paragraph alone.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Scholarship / GLOBAL KOREA SCHOLARSHIP_ PERSONAL STATEMENT_COMPUTER SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING [4]

Are you writing a statement of purpose of a personal statement? Those have 2 different set of information requirements for the essay presentation. Your title and your indicated essay in your actual post are conflicting. Kindly clarify which one you are actually writing for my benefit. As of now, I will assume that you are writing a personal statement and review this as such.

While your educational background and family information is complete in delivering the idea as to the kind of person you are and the student that you strive to be, your work experiences and extra curricular activities are not well developed. These presentations are important and yet, the least developed in your presentation. You only wrote 2 sentences for those references. One reference each. The reviewer needs to know more about your work experience and notable achievements in that field if any as these will be considered alongside your motivation for studies. which, by the way, isn't really very well presented nor clearly developed in this presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 table with a trend - visitor statistics in Australia [2]

All of your paragraphs should have a minimum of 3 sentences. This includes the summary overview. The lack of sentence development in that section has resulted in a sentence that presents information, but without a clear meaning involved in the presentation. How many heritage sites were presented? What years are involved in the survey? These are the missing overview data in your presentation that should have been presented along with the trending statement to show a clear short version of the report from the chart.

In the second paragraph, you should indicate the years of similarity and immediately follow that up with the similar information. After that, you can present the uneven measurements in the same paragraph. This will help you create a more cohesive and coherent discussion presentation for that information section. For the Macquarie Island information, it did not stabilize at 300. That would mean that the figures remained the same over the time periods indicated. There was an uneven number of visitors actually. So you should have instead, indicated a fluctuation in guest numbers during the years presented.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Free education irrespective of personal wealth [2]

This is not an extent essay. Therefore, your discussion approach, which is, "to an extent' response is incorrect. There do not need to be 2 discussion points. Only 1 opinion that either agrees or disagrees with the given opinion / topic statement. As you have decided that you do not want to follow the discussion instruction because you know better, there is no way I can review this paper for accuracy of response.You will automatically fail because you did not respond to the question in a manner that relates to the instruction. You cannot write the paper based on what you want to say and how you want to say it. You have to show the examiner that you can understand basic English instructions and that you can follow the instructions without changing any aspect of it.

When you try to show that you know better than I do, do not approach me for advice. You obviously do not need any.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / Children must be a good members of society. What the parents and school can teach it? [2]

This is actually an IELTS Task 2 practice prompt. Were you writing in preparation for that test? Or is this a topic that was given to you as a part of a basic written English language exercise? Kindly make sure to indicate what sort of writing you are doing next time so that I can give more relevant comments regarding your work. Without knowing what your target is for this writing, I will just give you a general review of the presentation you have made.

The presentation is grammatically inaccurate and has several word usage errors and punctuation mistakes. These are what have caused the essay to be incoherent to the reader. There is no clear idea being presented due to the inaccuracy of the overall statements. This can be corrected by having you make an effort to improve your English vocabulary through the proper learning of word meaning. You cannot just keep using words that you think sounds right or applicable. You have to be certain that the meaning of the word helps to convey the thought you are developing. Otherwise, you end up with this confusing presentation of thoughts that do not have a clear thought process indicated.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2- The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction [3]

The comparison discussion for this single opinion essay is not very well presented. That is because the instruction is asking you to weigh the advantages against the disadvantages of socializing through non physical methods. Your essay response is focused on healthcare, working from home, and other non-social media based activities. The focus on reasons, without actual connections with social media presented, is what created incoherent discussion paragraphs. If you wanted to discuss how social media is used for health purposes, then you should have cited how the hospitals could only accept Covid patients during the pandemic, forcing doctors to do remote consultations with their patients via Zoom, Messenger and other means. This created an advantage in a position where it is normally considered a disadvantage due to the non - physical nature of the consultation. Explain how the job was still accurately done even without face to face interaction, using social media. That is now what you depicted in your explanation, which made it an irrelevant reference in the discussion. The same goes for the job reference. How did this non-physical scenario prove to be beneficial when say, a building inspector needed to investigate the integrity of the building materials, without being physically present to test it?

The proper format is to take a perceived disadvantage and explain how it became an advantage. The pandemic makes this highly easy to discuss since everything has become remote and, everyone has to use social media even if just for ordering groceries. The conclusion only has 35 words in it when the requirement is at least 40 words. You should do a better job of restating your discussion points within the advantage and disadvantage summary set up.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 26, 2021
Scholarship / GKS Statement of Purpose - Language Study Plan [2]

. I am trying to memorize in a month

- Trying to memorize what in a month? Hangul characters and alphabet? English spelling of Hangul words? There are so many ways that reference can be interpreted since you left it open to interpretation. Clarify that part.

reading and re-writing lyrics or short articles from the internet.

- Perhaps include a reference to translating Bhasa Indonesia to Hangul to better prepare and understand how the language works or how you can better transliterate from your language to Hangul with accuracy.

. I am planning to know more than 1.000 words every two months.

- Be realistic, just aim to learn as many as you can in a month since this is a pre-arrival in Korea language study plan. Do not set unrealistic goals. Formal lessons in a Korean language school would also be a more admirable and realistic language learning plan. Everything you are discussing are not assurances that you have a viable study plan for the language and that you can actually learn the basic language before you go to Korea, if you pass the screening and interview that is.

TOPIK 4 in less than a year.

- Too low. Aim for the actual passing score or higher. Hence the need for you to attend formal language school.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 25, 2021
Writing Feedback / Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more popular [3]

You used the correct approach in presenting the opinion from a single point of view that supports your personal opinion. However, the presentation falls a little short, in my opinion, when it comes to the actual discussion question which indicates a comparative discussion format based on your personal opinion. The strength of the discussion of the advantage/disadvantage essay lies in how well you can dispel the advantage notion, creating a believable disadvantage discussion on your part or, a disadvantage discussion that you can disprove to be an actual advantage, based on your experiences and knowledge.

In the presentations, you show the advantages, which are readily known to people. However, you failed to present reasons why people might perceive these to be disadvantages. So first, explain why people mistakenly see the use of online shopping as a disadvantage, then explain why you think otherwise. For the medicines, explain the belief regarding medicine authenticity when ordered personally from a drugstore, then indicate why that misconception is incorrect by using your personal experience as the convincing factor.

You have shown that you have the potential to score more than just a 7.5 in the test. You just have to be keep practicing to get better at it. By the way, you should not be writing the word as "247" but rather "24/7" to indicate 24 hours a day / 7 days a week. That is a minimal LR error that you can correct in the future. Please make sure to familiarize yourself with such terms so that you can use these in a more appropriate format in your coming practice essays.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 25, 2021
Writing Feedback / The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012. [3]

The first error I have to point out, is the under writing in this essay. You are required to write at least 150 words or face penalties for writing under the minimum word requirement. You are short by 2 words so, you can expect a minimal percentage deduction in your TA score. Though minimal, it could still have a strong effect on your final score. Remember, essays that do not present more than the minimum word count are usually seen as being under developed and little analyzed. Try to write 175 words next time to better meet the more than adequate writing standards for the test. The way to increase your word count and GRA scoring considerations will be by changing the way you present the information from the image. Rather than using only commas to separate the information presentation, creating a pause, but not a break that helps with the clarity and coherence of the presentation, use a variation of punctuation marks instead, with a focus on period (.) usage. That way you give your chance to truly create an acceptable mix of simple and complex sentence presentations within the paragraphs. Right now, you present only 2 long sentences per paragraph. Aim to write at least 3 up to 5 sentence per paragraph to allow for a better data analysis presentation and comparison on your end.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 25, 2021
Writing Feedback / "Teenage Driving Statistics" - Driving Licenses for People Under Eighteen Years Old [2]

I am confused as to whether you are writing this essay as a research paper or as a Task 2 essay topic. The presentation format is that of a Task 2 essay. However, the discussion presented is that of a research paper. So which is it? If you are presenting a research paper, then you need a clearer and more defined thesis paragraph in the first presentation. The questions you hope to answer, the trend for the response, and the sources for your response would help create a strong and coherent thesis statement for your presentation.

When you use the word "and" in the paragraph, it should be preceded by a comma because it is a conjunction. You should be joining the 2 sentence ideas in one presentation rather than trying to start a new one with an improperly formatted sentence. In reference to the factual information in the presentation, you are missing in-text citations that would give the reader the original source of the information. As an article or research paper, the original source will be the factual basis of your information presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 25, 2021
Scholarship / GKS/KGSP Master in Urban Environmental Planning - Statement of Purpose [2]

There is no need to list you references at any point in this presentation. While these are possibly reading materials that have influenced certain study decisions on your part, the originality of your goal of study is what matters. I understand why you would want to refer to the original sources of the inspiration for your study plan. However, your study plan represents a different end result from their own presentations so it would be better to create a general discussion reference. You need to be original in presentation. The inclusion of these other sources makes you seem like a copycat rather than someone with unique and updated goals for your study and how to achieve results for your research.

For each university you present, it will be helpful to present a possible title for your thesis that shows a relevance to the study topics you will be focusing on. That way it becomes clear to the reviewers that you know how your studies will benefit from the opportunities offered by each university.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 24, 2021
Undergraduate / The natural world - Texas A&M College Station transfer essay prompt A [3]

The presentation is strong. It shows aspects of your life that would not have been part of your admission consideration if only the basics were considered. It shows a true progression and a developing maturity. However, in the last paragraph, you make mention of your ability to take responsibility for your actions and your determination would be an asset to A&M. Can you better explain why you believe that? What aspects of the A&M student life can benefit from your participation based on your perceived strengths? If you are running short of word allowance, then consider shortening the presentation about how you decided to become a game warden. That feels like it is running too long in the presentation anyway.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 24, 2021
Graduate / SOP for MS Human Computer-Interaction/ Changing Direction [4]

Your approach to presenting your relevant education is acceptable. Since the educational background does not seem to be a major requirement for this particular statement of purpose. Since you graduated with a different degree, presenting how you prepared on your own will work since you attended formal classes. Had you done everything via self-study, then you would have had a problem with the presentation.

The theoretical aspect of your purpose fills the essay 100 %. You should balance that with a forward thinking career path as well. How does your current occupation require you to advance your studies as well? Based on the current presentation, you are focusing only on your personal interests and theoretical interests. The actual application of the masters course skills, techniques, and theories, based on a professional purpose is required.

You may also wish to address the extra curricular activities in this essay that somehow relate to your interest. Maybe you are training others who are self-studying just as you did. Maybe you have published YT videos on your channel that can help interest the reviewer in your HCI passion. The idea is to show the reviewer how you pursue your interests both formally and informally.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 24, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Investing in science education [3]

The second sentence does not make any sense and does not relate to the original prompt topic. It will also be best to avoid citing the words of other authors in your presentation because those tend to alter the presentation information from the original. The first paragraph should accurately create a second version of the original presentation, without additional information or reference to other sources such as Francis Bacon. What exactly do you mean by a country's property? Did yo mean development and progress? Property does not refer to the same things. This is also an extent essay, not just a simple opinion essay. So your response presentation is incorrect. There is no equal stress in the presentation. Either you agree to a certain extent or you disagree to a certain extent.

This is a single opinion essay. It is not a comparative essay because the instruction does not ask you to discuss both points of view and present your own opinion. You are asked to support only one of the two discussion options. When you say the stress is equal, then there is no clear opinion presented on your part. Why? The equality option does not exist in the discussion question option. Therefore, your response will be considered unrelated to the given discussion.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 24, 2021
Undergraduate / Global UGRAD 2021. Describe a time when you encountered a conflict and how you handled it [3]

The narrative is lacking in information. You said the situation occurred in your second year of high school. The implication is that you were about to enter college, am I right? The reviewer will be unclear about the situation you ended up in because towards the middle part, you said you got a job as a teacher, which requires a college degree in Education, at the very least. I feel like you need to better explain that situation as it relates to your education. Most countries require more than 2 years for high school, which is why I believe this part will prove to be a bit difficult for the reviewer to understand. The essay itself, avoiding that confusing part, is emotional enough and interesting. Is it strong enough to get you considered for the scholarship or semester abroad? I cannot really be sure. It will all depend upon the strength of the competition in this round of considerations.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 24, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Traveling to work is a negative or positive development. Discuss both views. [2]

It is going to be better for your score if you do not make any attestations to the validity of any of the claims presented in the original presentation. Why? Well, the validity of the claim being made is not required, not a part of the discussion requirement. Therefore, you are including unnecessary information that runs counter to the discussion instructions.

Now, you did a pretty good job of referring to the opinion of other people in the first reasoning paragraph. Your discussion subject is valid, well supported, and clear to the reader. However, the unnecessary inclusion of the second reason in that paragraph, which was only mentioned, but not really developed as well as the first part, created an under developed presentation for that topic, which would affect the overall C&C consideration for that section.

For the second paragraph, you used a general presentation for the explanation, but failed to use the third person reference like you did in the previous paragraph. This made the discussion unclear to the reader. Whose opinion is being presented? Is this a personal or public opinion? That is why the use of pronouns in these comparative discussion presentations are important. The pronouns add to the clarity of the presentation.

There should have been a third paragraph in this case, the explanation of your personal opinion based on the previously presented opinions and explanations. That is a stand alone paragraph that creates the personal opinion discussion. The current format of the essay shows an open ended essay because you used your personal opinion as the conclusion of the essay. The task 2 essay requires the use of summary conclusions. These are conclusions that are based on a summary of the public and personal opinion as a reminder of the discussion to the reader.

This is not a bad first try at writing this task. You did well enough for a beginner and have room for improvement. Keep practicing and you should see improvements to your discussion approach over time.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 23, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Will Computer Replace Teachers? I don't think so - they do not have emotions [6]

There is a prompt deviation on the part of your restatement. Kindly compare the following to see how you accidentally committed the error:

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: I, however, would argue that teachers are irreplaceable and in this essay I am going show why.

The lack of proper response means your starting TA score will be rated based on unrelated response. Always review your essay for prompt accuracy after you draft your response. Make sure that your response supports the discussion instructions or responds to the question posed. In this case, you can clearly see why your essay will start at a scoring disadvantage from the very start. While your reasoning paragraphs are somewhat supportive of the given discussion topic and question, I do not believe that this will be enough to help you get a passing score in an actual test. Most specially since you do not have an appropriate summary conclusion presented. You continued to discuss your opinion in the last paragraph, creating a non-concluded essay. The lack of summary in the summary conclusion will also force additional deductions on your TA score.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 23, 2021
Writing Feedback / Help for Correction my essay . Academic essay _ IELTS Academic Task 2 on a consumer society [2]

Good restatement with the slight problem of you still using the phrase "which possessing" in the presentation. The best scored paraphrasing is always the one that avoids any word usage from the original. that is because it shows a high degree of vocabulary, English comprehension, and thought process. You have shown an ability to do this in the restatement section. So just work on further improving that skill by avoiding all original word usage.

You are over explaining in the presentation. You have to work within a 250-300 word frame only. That is because of the 40 minute time limit for the presentation. I understand that you have an extensive English vocabulary and you want to show the examiner your English skills as thoroughly as possible. However, the aim of this test is to have you show that you can explain your understanding, opinion, and dis/agreement with a given topic as quickly and clearly as you can. Do not get me wrong, you did a thorough job of explaining yourself. The problem, is that the examiner needs to be able to quickly read the presentation, hence the word allowance.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 23, 2021
Scholarship / KGS-G STATEMENT OF PURPOSE - language in Korea [3]

One topic per thread

Your language study plan is not impressive. There is no sense in mentioning that Hangul is the teaching language in Korea. That is precisely why you are being asked to explain how you are preparing for the Hangul based class teaching prior to your arrival. How are you getting your language training? Where are you getting it? At what level would you judge your Hangul proficiency at this point? Let us say that you have a basic skill level at the moment, how will you further improve once you begin your classes in Korea? Will you get private help aside from the mandated language classes? How will you learn the language in a manner relevant to the masters course you will be attending? These are basic questions that are relevant to this statement which you failed to address in your paragraph. Revise the presentation to include specific language learning plans and methods. Include a social and community aspect to the language learning schedule.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 23, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 The line graph illustrates how much waste produced by three companies from 2000 to 2015 [5]

While your summary overview is good, it would have been better if you did not create your own abbreviations for keywords in the presentation. Using the word "com" to refer to a company is something only known to you as you did not tell the reader that you would be using that word to refer to the term "company". You will lose and confuse the reader, causing stress as they try to figure out what you mean. It could adversely affect your GRA score since there will be some sort of confusion on the part of the reader.

The second paragraph should be divided into individual sentences. You wrote a run-on, which is just a series of information without proper analysis or presentation in the paragraph. You are scored on clarity and grammar range and accuracy, both of which will suffer when you write using long sentences that could again, confuse the reader and further increase your GRA deductions. The run-on presentation seems to be the main problem of your presentation. Try to practice writing using the proper mix of simple and complex sentences. Run-on sentences do not represent those types of sentences.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 23, 2021
Writing Feedback / The affordable care act and what the solution is [2]

This is a very timely essay. However, it tends to get confusing to read because of the constantly diverting focus from healthcare to consumerism in relation to capitalism. You may want to give the reader a better version of this essay that allows them to concentrate on the actual topic. When discussing capitalism, do so in the manner that focuses on how capitalism has become a negative for healthcare stemming from doctor fees all the way to the emergency care for a simple sprained ankle. Since you are discussing healthcare, the inclusion of capitalism in the form of consumerism tends to muddle the presentation. While I understand how capitalism fits int he discussion, try to avoid consumerism discussions as these are hard to apply to a medical setting. The health insurance set up is totally different in terms of consumerism so you have to create a more relatable examples series in your presentation. The rest of the essay is informative though and works very well in terms of discussion, opinion, and outlook.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Feb 23, 2021
Scholarship / American-Hispanic learning process - Personal Statement for the Global Korea Scholarship [3]

Kindly fix the format of this presentation. It is extremely difficult to read. If you submit this essay in this format, I assure you the reviewer is not going to finish reading your personal statement before moving on to the next applicant. I gave up after the first 5 lines. It is not an essay that is written to be easily scanned for information. You need to use paragraphs, based on the specific prompt requirement you are addressing.

There is a missing reference to your work experience in relation to your interest in higher studies, motivation, and acquired skills. Your essay seems to have focused only on the first part of the prompt requirements, completely forgetting the all too important last few prompt requirements that would have shown you preparation for masters studies, your ability to do complex research, and professional skills that you believe make you a suitable candidate for the program.