Graduate / My goal is researching in the area of demanding automotive sector using machine learning techniques [4]

@bs900004 you have written a motivation letter / personal statement instead of a statement of purpose. Set this aside for use under a more appropriate essay requirement. This is well written and will serve as a very good motivation letter, with edits, when required. As of now, you will have to develop a new essay that will better reflect the requirements of a statement of purpose. Think of the statement of purpose as an extended version of the motivation letter, only with a different focus.

The statement of purpose should represent your academic and professional training that will help you to advance as a student in this course. Proving that you have the background in relation to the masters course is only the first requirement of this essay. So make sure that you dazzle the reviewer with your academic accomplishments and professional abilities. Both of which should combine to prove that you will be more than capable student when enrolled in the course.

Make sure that your professional presentation will help you better illustrate the purpose of your interest in this course. Talk about your line of work and what frustrates you about it. Or maybe, what you want to improve in the performance of these tasks. Explain how you see yourself making a difference in the workplace in about 5 years based upon what you learn from this course. Set out your career goals in a manner that shows how the course will help you gain an edge within the profession or in your office in the future.

Assure the reviewer that you have done careful research regarding your university choices. Enlighten him about what you feel sets this course, taught at this university, apart from the others. What do you think makes this university special? Consider the opportunities available to the graduate students in the discussion in order to prove your points regarding the development of your theoretical and practical skills in this field.

Close by assuring the reviewer that you are enthused about attending this university during the upcoming semester and that you are confident that based upon your presentation, you are a more than qualified candidate for an available graduate student slot.

Writing Feedback / We should make factories and other forms of industry pay for all the pollution that they have caused [3]

Chinky, the opening paraphrase that you presented is strong and impressive. However, you need to remain within the prompt requirements and indicate that this is not your sentiment. You cannot begin your discussion in the opening paraphrase portion. That is why your opening paraphrase is wrong in presentation. You must always indicate the original discussion by referencing it in your paraphrase. Hence;

It is said that industries are the major sources of air and water pollution. That is why there is a proposal that, in order to protect nature, these corporations should be held responsible for their actions. That means, having them pay for the impurities that they release into our environment. I am in strong agreement with this proposal for a number of reasons.

This type of presentation will increase your TA score and boost the rest of your scoring considerations in the process. I will not fault your body of paragraphs because those are highly effective in presentation and shows a clear grasp of the prompt topic, its discussion process, and your ability to use the English language in accomplishing those requirements.

I would like to point out though that this is an academic paper and as such, you must never be caught using the term "etc." which means "and so on and so forth" because that shows a non academic sentence development. Additionally, you need to double check your punctuation marks because you have a double period after the "etc" part. Small mistakes like that will greatly decrease your GRA scores. Be very careful presentation wise. Never lose the academic tone and presentation format.

Graduate / Essay for Erasmus program specializing in environment and innovation. [2]

Alavy, you are complicating the essay far more than you have to. Why can't you just respond to the prompt requirements in the order it is presented? That is how the reviewer expects to read the information in the essay. You don't need to tell such a lengthy backstory, you just have to directly respond to the prompt questions in a discussion form. You actually have the proper responses to the prompt within this essay, you just need to bring these up to the front and remove the unnecessary parts so that the reviewer can get through reading your essay without having to wade through information that he doesn't need. Having to sift through unwanted information will normally result in your application being immediately rejected because you have not proven that you can follow simple instructions. So, you should simply outline your responses to the prompt as follows:

What do you want to achieve in the next 10 years of professional career?
- When I look into the vision of the next 10 years of my professional career...

How do you plan to achieve these objectives?
- My professional and academic background has led me...

How do you r previous activities contribute to this plan?
- You have not properly responded to this prompt in your current version.

How do you think that the X program will contribute to your plan?
- The diverse range of faculty and a chance to find mentors and likeminded ...
Note: Develop a more appropriate response using the aforementioned portion of the paragraph.

Why should we accept you to the X program?
- No proper response in your essay. Indicate any academic accomplishments and professional recognition you have achieved thus far. These will represent the reasons why you should be accepted into the program. Proving you have the academic and professional foundation to achieve success in the program always gives the most appropriate response to this question.

Writing Feedback / Different opinions regarding weather children should be taught to be competitive or cooperative [5]

Ehsan, , since you have a prompt deviation in the essay, I need to score you on a per criteria basis instead of an overall projection. You created a prompt deviation in your opening paragraph and then proceeded to support that deviation in the body of paragraphs, which led to the failing score. You were asked to discuss both points of view prior to giving your opinion. What you did in this essay was discuss only your point of view of the two discussion sides. That meant your essay only partially responded to the prompt requirement. The original requirement was for you to discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Therefore, your scores will be as follows:

TA - 4 - due to the prompt deviation that created only a partial response to the prompt. You have an improper prompt representation. The correct presentation is:

There are people who believe that a healthy sense of competition is important to develop in children. While others thing that cooperation is more beneficial because it will create a responsible young person in the future. In this essay, I will discuss these two points of view prior to the discussion of my opinion on the topic in the later part of the essay.

C&C - 6 - you have an engaging presentation that uses relevant and related information. You clearly connected your ideas in each paragraph.
LR - 6 - Your word usage is impressive as it uses some less common English words and is used in the proper context.
GRA - 6 - Your sentence structures are higher than average in presentation. However, there are some mistakes in the development that create a little stress for the reader.

I scored your essay on an individual criteria basis and that resulted in a higher score for the other parts of the essay while you failed the TA portion. In the actual test, I am not sure how the examiner will score you based on more intricate scoring considerations per criteria. So my scores should be taken only on an individual basis instead of collectively. Had you not made a mistake in the prompt presentation and actual discussion, I bet you would have gotten an impressive collective score.

Writing Feedback / A significant fall in the proportion of production of energy from coal in four European countries [4]

Ade, you forgot to provide the original prompt with the presentation. I cannot accurately assist you with further learning if you do not provide me with the basis of your writing. The prompt is what will point out the problem areas of your writing to me so that I can help you address them for increased scoring considerations. Let me offer you some general pointers instead.

For the summary overview, you need to remember only one thing. You have to describe the chart data sources in detail to the reader. Why do you have to do that? The Task 1 essay will test your ability to describe and analyze information in a manner that will make the report understandable to the person who will be reading it. Why do you need to present precise information? The idea is that the reader will not have a copy of the illustration that you were given. As such, you need to make the reader as informed as possible regarding the content of the chart. No information with specifics at this point. Just a summary of the content of the graph. That includes:

1. The type of image provided and topic of the measurement
2. The type of measurement used
3. The specific basis of the measurement (countries, gender, etc.)
4. The trend of the chart
5. The instructions for the discussion

That outline gives you the first 5 sentences for the first paragraph of your essay. It also provides you with the outline that you can follow for the body presentation. The outline is a requirement for the exam taker so that you will be providing the reader with a list of the upcoming discussions, per paragraph. Thus making it easier for the reader to scan and understand your analysis of the data.

Be consistent in the presentation of your paragraphs. A critically analyzed image can be provided within a maximum of 5 sentences in as little as 4 paragraphs. Do not present less than 4 fully developed paragraphs so that you can maximize your overall scoring potential. At the moment. you are not doing that. I only see an overview presentation of the obvious information from the chart but not a critical analysis of critical overlapping points. Look for small details that can make your essay stand out in order to prove your ability to properly develop an analytical essay.

Undergraduate / My interest in engineering started at an early age; Texas A&M Engineering Admission Essay [3]

tobiadio, this response is highly curt and barely responds to the prompt questions. You must work on lengthening your responses because your explanations need to tie in the reasons you gave with supporting evidence. If your interest started at an early age, then explain when you first came into contact with your father's work. Explain how he encouraged you to try simple engineering feats that further fueled your passion for this course of study. I do not really read so much of an explanation as to how he influenced you in order to contribute to your goals so you really need to work on developing that father-son bond over Engineering that you imply exists in your first paragraph. There is also no reference to your academic and career goals within the essay. So hope that what you have written is only a draft and not a final copy. If you were truly interested in Engineering as a major and career for yourself, then this should have been the longest part of your response. Instead, I get crickets. Silence, in reference to your academic and career goals. You presented an implied interest in the field but no true academic course of interest nor career projection for after you graduate. You will need to think long and hard about that part of the essay response. That is even more important in presentation than how your father influenced you to become an engineer.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL independent writing prompt: kids are obsessed with video games and that causes health problems [4]

@yooceii, your essay will not pass the test in an actual setting for a serious number of reasons. The first, is your lack of academic writing abilities. You reflect a lack of English academic writing skill as you do not follow the proper writing technique for this sort of essay. In fact, any paper that you write in English must have the first word of every sentence, and every noun thereafter, written in capital form. This is done to indicate the start of a new sentence or a new paragraph. You are not writing a tweet or instagram update here so you must follow the formal writing norms, rules, and regulations upon which you are being scored. Additionally, you need to write a uniform number of sentences within each of the 5 paragraphs. That means, you need to show the reviewer that you can coherently express yourself within 305 sentence per paragraph. Anything longer than that will result in a lower score or, in an actual time crunch setting, a failure for you to complete the essay within the given time frame. Go for short but sweet. Be informative, but not wordy. Just speak of one reason per paragraph in a clear manner in order to represent your English skills. I cannot comment on the way that you developed the discussion because you did not offer the complete and original prompt at the start, which the basic requirement for all essays posted here for review. I can review your content if you remember to post the given prompt during your next round of practice tests.

Undergraduate / Coffee and its universal laws. Caltech students have fun. [4]

Isabella, I do not see any quirk in this essay. You are just referring to how you make your favorite coffee and nothing more. A quirky presentation of this procedure would be something like you dancing in front of the coffee maker to make sure that the coffee would come out right. Dancing in a specific manner that you believe pleases the coffee gods because your coffee is one that earns high praise from everyone who tastes it. The quirk will come from the physical ritual that will seem strange to people but you swear helps to make the coffee taste better. Maybe you dance the salsa or the lambada, maybe event he cha-cha while you mix the coffee using your "golden ratio" is what will create the necessary quirk in the presentation. If you cannot create a unique scenario for the making of the coffee, then you should consider a prank that you pulled on someone in the past that created a funny situation in the end. Think of how you have fun, like the prompt says. Don't try to relate everything back to your love for science. You have to relate this to how you have fun, without science.

Research Papers / CRITICAL THEORY: CHRISTIANITY AND SOCAIL TIES, LIKEMINDEDNESS, & EMOTIONALITY [3]

Perry, as a rule, the introduction of the essay is not supposed to contain any quoted text or in-text cited information because the purpose of the introduction is to present your thesis statement based upon your desired discussion topic for the essay. The introduction is meant to deliver the basis of the forthcoming discussions and outline the topics contained within the essay. Hence the limitation on the introduction of quotes and references in that section of the introduction.

As I read your essay, it became clear to me that the paragraphs contained in the sections and sub-sections relied heavily on quoted information rather than your understanding or explanation of the presented information. Once an essay, specially one as intricate as this has over 40% quoted text within, the professor automatically marks it down for lack of personal opinions, academic explanations based upon your understanding of the given material, and a reliance on "hearsay" to complete the work. I urge you to lessen the quoted text and instead, offer your own take on the text while referencing the source of your explanation instead. That way you lower the quoted percentage of the essay which could result in a high plagiarism score as well, should your professor decide to run this paper through a plagiarism checker.

The latter part of the essay is well developed though and can be easily followed and understood by the reader. So the essay just needs some work at the start of it so that it can become a more authoritative paper for presentation to your professor.

Writing Feedback / IELTES Task 2: Online shopping is replacing shopping in stores. [8]

@summerlin I guess I have to explain to you how to develop these essay opening paraphrases. You are not supposed to include any strong emotions such as "I will argue" because there is no reference to the need to do that in the original prompt. All of these essays must be written in a simple discussion format because you will never to asked to debate an issue in these essay prompts. All the references will only be for discussions of varying points of view an opinions. Don't include an "emotional response" when one is not required. I believe that the better presentation for your prompt would have been:

These days, people are engaging more in virtual purchases rather than physical purchasing. Some people say this is a good development. Others say it is a negative development. In my opinion, I believe this is a positive development and I will explain why in this essay.

There is no need to present an opposite opinion in this essay because the prompt is asking you to discuss only the side that you agree with. Anytime you see the word "OR" in the discussion instruction sentence, that means you discuss only one side.

As for your presentation of the rental topic, you should not have focused on a specific aspect of commerce such as grocery shopping. You should have left it general in reference because the prompt did not specify a specific sector to discuss. However, you could have better presented that line by saying:

A smart business owner would use a virtual storefront instead because he will not have to rent an expensive physical storefront anymore. He can also just open his shop and, as long as he has a warehouse for his goods, he can sell his products. He does not need to look for a good commercial area to set up his business in anymore. So the investor, in this instance, will end up saving money because people will virtually come to his store and make purchases that still amount to real money once the virtual currency is converted to cash.

Grammar, Usage / 'I am Metallurgist' - Would you correct my Email [4]

Ashkan, here is my take on the revision of your email. What you wrote is really very confusing an amateur in approach. It needs to be given a professional tone since you are a professional asking other professionals to help you out. I suggest that you revise this email in the following manner:

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am XXX, a fellow Metallurgist at XXX. I am approaching you today to seek your assistance with a profession related situation that I have. I am currently in possession of 2 items that are in need of analysis. While I could do this myself, I would like to have a consultation with you with regarding the best way to analyze these items. I realize that you are an extremely busy person and I am willing to accommodate your availability for this consult. Kindly get in touch with me at your convenience to set up a consultation date. Thank you.

With warmest regards,
XXX

Your essay is too direct and lacking in a respectful tone. Always remember that you need to ensure a professional and respectful tone towards the person you are writing to because you are asking for a favor to be done for you. You cannot order that person about, even if you use the word "Kindly" because the previous sentiments did not carry that tone.

Writing Feedback / ILETS Task Line graph: Precantage of workers with Illness Absence [6]

1. I am not sure what is difficult to understand about the observations I made. I thought I made all of the indicators for improvement perfectly clear. In fact, you were able to successfully apply it to the revised sentence that you wrote.

2. In the over view statement, you may opt not to present a timeline reference yet. This is after all an overview statement and it is obvious from the dates indicated that the information came from a past time frame. Another way to phrase that line would be "started in 1991 and ended in 2001", if you want to be highly specific about the past tense usage.

3. I guess you have no idea how to properly write the opening summary for this type of essay yet. So let me show you how its done.

A line graph has been provided with figures indicating the absence rates for 5 European countries covering the years 1991 up to 2001. The Netherlands, France, Sweden, the UK, and Germany were surveyed for the information provided in percentage form. Based on the trending information, it appears that the Netherlands has the highest absence rate at almost 5% in 1991. A figure that continued to decline for the country over the next 5 years.

Undergraduate / Additional info that may not be easily discernible from your academic record or list of activities [7]

Maddy, the "etc." part is a good thing. Nothing to worry about. What meant to say about that is that the topic you chose to present is still relevant to the prompt expectations. The problem that you have is in the presentation. You need to make sure that you revise the first paragraph because it has to introduce the personality trait that you want to discuss about yourself in the essay. This is the foundation paragraph that will lead into the relationship and self discovery that occurred over time. Yes, you have to discuss where this understanding of who and what bad boys are in the opening statement. That will be lead into the story about Andres and you. Don't forget, the focus has to be only you with an assist from Andres. He is not the center of the essay, you are. The rest of the essay is right on track. You just have to focus on developing the problem points as I indicated above.

Writing Feedback / What the graph shows, what is the type of graph shown? What is the data? [2]

Ridho, you only wrote a summary overview in this essay. This is not the complete essay at all. I guess you are just trying to get your feet wet at this point so I will give you that. In the meantime, I will just respond to the questions that you have listed in your posting. I trust that you will be posting a more complete task 1 essay for review next time around.

The instructions you were provided were meant to assist you in learning how to write the summary overview. You did a pretty good job at that. The summarized information is complete and allows you to create a clear discussion outline for the upcoming paragraphs. A word of advice though, since the year indicated is one that has already passed, you will need to use past tense instead of present simple tenses.

I can't continue my review of your written work because you did not completely develop the essay for review. So, this is what you have to do next. Review the completed Task 1 essays at this forum in order to better understand the various methods of presenting the information. Learn from their mistakes. Then go and try to write your own complete Task 1 essay for review here. I assure you, you will get better and more complete help once you submit a full essay for review instead of just one paragraph that you wrote.

Scholarship / Explain how past experiences have prepared you for participation in the master in DCLead [3]

Lamia, this is not a motivation letter, this is an autobiography. You have thrown in way too much information into this letter so that you are not leaving any information for the statement of purpose anymore. Which is where most of this content should be placed. By the way, a word of advice, do not politicize your motivation. Keep it professional in perspective because the politics of your country should not have anything to do with the academics that you wish to pursue. Keep that out of the discussion. That is not a motivation, that is a distraction. The motivation letter you wrote is not appropriate for the scholarship application at all because of the personal, political, and social discussions you included in it. This should be solely a 5 paragraph academic and professional motivation letter. Like the prompt indicates, the focus of this motivation letter must be solely on why you are interested in pursuing a higher career in digital communication (regardless of whether you thought of this as your career before or not. That is irrelevant because you are already pursuing a career in this field.) and how prepared you are for the PhD course.

As a msters applicant, you should focus on presenting the accomplishments you had during your previous MS studies and what career goals you have achieved since then. These will all combine to prove that you have amply prepared for the demands that this next MS course will be making of you. Present your next 5 year career plan based upon how you feel this particular program, at this particular university will help you achieve that.

In all honesty, I did not even finish reading your essay anymore. That is because it is severely long and doesn't really present the specific discussion points that the prompt indicated. Imagine how the reviewer, who has to read hundreds of application letters per day will stop reading your essay sooner than I did. I reached the 4th paragraph before I gave up. He will only read the first paragraph before moving on. That is, unless you can catch and hold his attention from the first paragraph onward. That is why you have to immediately respond to the prompt requirement. Look at what topics are assigned for discussion. Make sure to provide only that information and nothing more. That way you are sure to keep the attention of the reviewer and also help you get to the point of your presentation as soon as you can.

Do not aim to use the complete character requirement of the essay. Just use as many as necessary in order to tell your story. A reviewer appreciates reading an essay that says more using less characters / words. It helps make your essay easier to remember and scan, if necessary, as well.

Undergraduate / "We are about to be homeless" - Common app personal essay [4]

Aime, I can understand why you felt that this essay would have been right on the mark with regards to the prompt requirements. The problem is, the essay focuses more on the story of your parents and how they survived, with only a slight reference to you on a personal basis. There is no true reference to a period of personal growth on your part or an understanding of yourself or others. What I read is the story of how your family survived a crisis. What the essay needs you to do is present a story of growth and maturity because of what your family was undergoing. How does this relate to a matured mindset for you? How did this experience change who you were to who you are today? I need to see a sense of character development in the essay. Not just a kid who was constantly pining for what was lost and who learned to settle for what was given. In the end, I need to learn how you changed for the better and how this has affected your mindset as you approach your college days.

Graduate / Purpose statement for MS business analytics and Information Management (with passion in agriculture) [4]

Yin, we have a one essay per thread policy here so I will have to advice you only on the first essay that you wrote. It would be best for you to delete the second essay as that is a policy violation that could lead to you getting a warning from the admin. Most newcomers tend to forget that ruling so I have to remind the person when needed because I hate seeing members getting suspended all because of a technicality. So, here is my advice regarding the first prompt.

You can actually use the same essay for both applications because the 1000 word maximum has a 500 word minimum. That is why you can use the same essay, with some slight variations in order to avoid being accused of self-plagiarism in the future. Now, this being an MS application essay, you need to start the presentation from your professional foundation. You should never begin from a childhood experience, Start it off from the point of your work experience instead. Show the reviewer the kind of work that you have been doing in this field for at least 2 years. That work experience has to relate with your interest in further studies within the field. Your current essay focuses too much on the college side of your background, which is not the main focus of a MS SOP. The college experience should only be a short introduction at the start. No more than 1 paragraph that also indicates any honors and recognition you might have had in a related class or internship. Focus more on the presentation of your professional career and accomplishments that will prove a foundation and preparation to undertake this course. This current essay is too wordy but not in an informative manner. So you need to make sure that you present a more relevant SOP. Basically, you need to make sure that you deliver the following points in an essay of up to 1000 words (again you can do it in 500-750 and be accurate in your presentation.)

1. Your college background in a summarized form. If your thesis was related to Data Analytics, then that means you have something in your previous academic experience that will provide you with a solid academic background for the MS course.

2. A description of your current work and the professional reason that pushed your need for higher academic learning. This will be the "purpose" part of the essay so be very specific about the reasons you have for a desire to enroll in this course.

3. Explain why you believe that this course will help you in the future. What career plans do you have that relate to the imperative need to complete this course?

4. Explain your decision to seek enrollment at this university. What were the major reasons (that have nothing to do with the website information, university ranking, or public knowledge) that ties in with your academic needs that the university can provide?

These are the more appropriate information to present in the SOP that the reviewer will appreciate reading. You need to make sure that you highlight your professional profile as best as you can. From what I have read in this version, you have the potential to create a proper and accurately informative revised essay. I am confident that you can provide it.

Writing Feedback / Every success is because of hard working, luck has not much in common with success. [5]

Naseer, are you discussing a Task 2 essay or a Direct Response question? It appears that the prompt is for a Task 2 presentation but you are opting to treat it as a Direct Response essay. Please clarify the type of essay that you are discussing with your next practice test because the advice for each type of essay varies. Since each essay type has a specific discussion method, I want to be sure that I am giving you the correct advice regarding the essay development each time.

Pay particular attention to your punctuation and grammar. Any misspelled word indicates a lack of English vocabulary skills and will affect your LR score. Look at this mistake that you made:

Every success in the life is because of hard working, nothing will be achieved with lick..

The mistakes in this sentence are:

1. Word Usage -
"Working" should be "work" because working denotes the act of "work" .
"Lick" means to pass the tongue over a surface. You were supposed to say "luck" meaning success or failure brought on by chance.
The mistakes show a lack of English vocabulary familiarity and incapability to use the terms in the correct context.

2. ... (ellipses) should have been a simple period. Maybe this was a mistake regarding key punching on your end or maybe it was intentional. Whatever it was, the presentation of that line should have ended with a period, as in a statement, instead.

The rest of the essay contains applicable statements that can help to increase your final score. The problem, is that your opening statement has some serious flaws that would have a direct effect on your final scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / Should the community service in the high school be built by a volunteer or compulsory system [4]

@al50332 It is too bad that you fumbled the opening paraphrase and your essay is lacking a concluding statement. The body that you developed, which is based on your personal experience is one that would have helped increase the score of your essay, even with the problematic grammar. Examiners tend to score on the higher end when a test taker uses a personal experience for the body of paragraphs because, if it is really related to the prompt demands, as yours is, then this proves that you have a high ability to understand English instructions and also, you have the ability to present a proper defense of a related discussion based on the topic provided. Your whole essay would have gotten an average passing score if you had presented the opening statement as follows:

There are people who believe that high school students must be part of mandatory volunteer programs. Some of the activities that they recommend are volunteer work at charities, neighborhood improvement, or mentoring to younger children. I am in complete agreement with this line of thinking based on my own personal experience with the said program.

When I was a high school student...

The above presentation would have tied in directly with your discussion paragraphs and hinted at a high level of English comprehension skills. The concluding statement should have reiterated the prompt, your main reason for approving of it, and then a sentence that repeats your approval of the reasoning.

Writing Feedback / Idea of going abroad for university study is an exciting prospect for many people [6]

Chinky, your essay will get an automatic failing score. There are no ifs or buts about it. The essay does not reflect the correct prompt requirements and does not deliver an accurate prompt paraphrase either. Make a mistake with the prompt paraphrase, as you did with this one, and your essay will not be read to the end. You automatically fail in the TA section and as such, the examiner will no longer have to read the rest of your essay. The problem with your presentation is that you decided to discuss what you "think" the essay is about rather than what the essay is "all about". This is an extent essay and therefore, relies on your point of view regarding your main opinion and nothing more. This is an essay that can be completed in 4 paragraphs if represented properly. If you would like to increase your chances of passing in the IELTS test, you would do well to read the other essays that have been written on this topic previously. Just click on the Similar Discussions button and you will be shown a list of similar essays, along with the advice given for improvement. You can use those previous essays as a template and the advice given there, as a basis for how you should be writing your own essay based on the same topic.

Writing Feedback / Identity, Turkey's history and conflict with the west [3]

Steven, the essay is confusing to read. It is jumping around from being a book report to being a historical paper, to being a research paper, to being a book report again. Which is which? You need to be consistent in your presentation. Either this is a book report or it is a historical research paper. It will be difficult to accomplish both in one essay. If you must do both, then present the history of Turkey before you present the book information. Once you present the book information, you should not volley the information between the two sources anymore. Focus one part fully on a chosen presentation, then focus the next half totally on the actual purpose of the paper. As of now, I am not sure about the purpose of this paper due to the lacking thesis statement. If there was a thesis statement, the reader would at least be able to get an idea as to the why and the how of the paper. At the moment, I am not sure what the actual purpose of this paper is.

Writing Feedback / Does the progress is always good for the society? Why? Or why not? [2]

@al50332 Please provide the original prompt that you are trying to respond to because I need it to base my observations of your essay on. I need to find out if you did anything right in the development of your essay response because at the moment, even without seeing the prompt, I can tell that there is a disparity within the discussion you presented and the original prompt you were provided for discussion. However, I cannot begin to point out the areas for improvement because I have no idea what the actual prompt you are responding to is. It is important that you always give me a copy of the complete prompt in its original form because that will always be the basis of the discussion advice that I will be giving you. At this moment, I can tell you that the paragraphs do not follow the proper 5 sentence maximum discussion requirement and you seem to be fixated on the discussion of particular technologies and business, based upon research, which will not do well for you in the actual test. I cannot direct you towards the proper response because you have not given me the original instructions for it. I hope that you can remember to deliver the original prompt the next time you post a practice essay. For now, I have to limit my observations and advice to what I have presented here.

Writing Feedback / It is better for children to start learning English language at primary school already [2]

@al50332 Your opening paraphrase is off course, your discussion paragraphs do not follow the required information presentation, and you are basically, discussing a topic of your own design based on the original prompt. In other words, you did not write an essay that can be considered as passing because it totally separated from the original presentation and discussion expectations.

The first paragraph is not in step with the instructions for discussing the Task 2 essay. The opening statement is required to represent your understanding of the prompt discussion, instruction, and presentation requirements. It is not meant for you to being a serious discussion of the prompt requirement, or what you thought the prompt requirement was. Since this is your first posting at this forum, I will assume that you are self-studying because you are nowhere near showing the capabilities of a person enrolled in IELTS review classes or even, a person preparing for the IELTS from books.

Here is the proper format:

Paragraph 1 - Paraphrasing
Paragraph 2-4 body of paragraphs requiring evidence and supporting statements for your presentations.
Paragraph 5 - Concluding summary of the discussion

The paraphrase for this prompt is:

There are two professional ideas concerning learning a secondary language among children. The first idea is that they must learn the foreign dialect in primary school. The other idea, is that the training of a child in the use of a different language is best done in secondary school. As most experts believe in the prior idea, this essay will discuss why the advantages of this idea counterbalance its disadvantages.

From this personal paraphrasing, you should then begin to discuss the reasons why learning the language in primary school is far better than learning the language in secondary school. Unfortunately, none of your current discussions come anywhere near the expected line of reasoning so the essay will get a failing score.

Writing Feedback / Young members of a society wants independence from their parents [4]

Behzab, your opening paraphrase is alright. The problem, is that your first sentence introduces a discussion fact. Discussion facts should not come in until you begin the actual discussion in the 2nd paragraph. The opening statement must limit itself to simply the presentation of facts from the original prompt in a new manner. If you remove the first paragraph and instead, divide the second sentence into 2 parts, rather than having the run-on sentence that exists at the moment, you would have completed the 3 paragraph minimum requirement for that part of the essay and also gotten a higher TA score in the process.

All of your supporting discussions are alright. However, you should have used the "I am convinced" reference at the start of the 2nd paragraph instead of as part of the concluding statement. The concluding statement is not the place where you can reinforce personal opinions. That is only supposed to summarize the discussion and reiterate your personal opinion at the end. The more appropriate conclusion is:

Being aware of the aforementioned points, it is easy to understand why living independently is the better choice. I believe that by living away from their parents, young people become more responsible individuals sooner rather than later. That is why I support this opinion with regards to this discussion topic.

Undergraduate / Three experiences which helped to explore your desire to study and possibly pursue a career in STEM [3]

Isabella , you only need to provide a translation for the club name, not the village since that is not a necessary portion of the scientific discussion. Somehow, your presentation of the first 2 activities and experiences are stronger than the last one in the list. The way you wrote it makes it sound like a mere afterthought. Something that you threw in there just to meet the 3 activities requirement but not really something that you are enthused about performing. Try to develop a balanced presentation across all 3 activities. If possible use transition sentences to connect one paragraph to the next in a related, seamless manner. This is an interesting presentation but the 3 activities only work well on an individual basis. As a collective presentation, they don't really make a strong impression so you need to work on strengthening the transitions and supporting statements to make the essay collectively impressive.

Undergraduate / "my first job interview" - GT short answer - being outside of the comfort zone [3]

Guangze , your response is totally inappropriate for the prompt provided. This s not something that happened to you in high school. This is evident because you are presenting a job interview scenario. I believe that you misunderstood the prompt provided or, you did not understand what the prompt was asking you to do. That is why you led with a professional instead of student scenario response. The prompt specifically asks you to :

Tell us about a time in high school that you felt outside of your comfort zone and the resolution.

The keyword in the prompt is High School since you are a college applicant. Therefore, you did not respond to the prompt at all. Since the problem is that you provided the wrong response, the grammar and consistency of your sentence structures are irrelevant to the statement. Think about that "uncomfortable but comfortable" scenario from high school. Then, just to be clear about when happened, mention what high school level you were in when it happened.

Writing Feedback / I have to write about one-day excursion - report [3]

Nastya, for starters, you can correct the title of the essay from Flesh Mob to "Flash Mob" which is what you meant to say. A Flash Mob is a large gathering of people performs a number in a public venue without prior announcement. A Flesh Mob, does not exist. It is not the appropriate term to use. When you present the date, never forget to include the year in the format because the reader needs to know if this is a current, immediate past, or previous event that took place. The activities that you discuss in the "What We Did" do not inform the reader as to whether the "Flash Mob" took place or not. If this was just a simple calisthenics event that you participated in and not an impromptu presentation, then change the title of the presentation. You could expand more about that portion by indicating how you participated in other events and how you mingled with the other people at the celebration. Your comments are acceptable. I am not sure about what other activities you did and what you experienced during that time so I am not going to say anything about how to improve that portion. That is something that is based on a personal opinion so I will accept what you said about the event.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for scholarship in Europe. Information Technology. [3]

Mohit , your first paragraph is on the mark in terms of explaining your motivation to learn. However, the next 2 paragraphs are more geared towards the statement of purpose so you have to remove those sections from this essay. You can replace those 2 paragraphs with a single paragraph that explains why you gained an interest in the University that you have chosen, which is separate from the reason you chose the program. The motivation letter can be as short as 3 or 4 paragraphs. It doesn't have to be extremely detailed but it does need to show the development of your interest in the field. With that said, the first paragraph is strong enough to deliver the direct motivation for your desire for higher academic learning. You basically have your first 2 motivations spelled out with the first and last paragraph of this letter. Just develop the connecting paragraph regarding what motivated you to apply to the university and your letter should be set.

Writing Feedback / Sport is reducing international controversies and leads citizens to express their patriotism [2]

Dang, the above example is inaccurate and does not properly represent the prompt requirements in the paraphrased statement that you were expected to represent in the first paragraph. The problem with your presentation is that you did it in only 2 sentences, thus causing a confusing run-on sentence in the first part and a simplified but proper response to the prompt discussion question at the end. The more appropriate paraphrase is as follows:

The World Cup is one of the international sporting events that have an important function on the global stage. It is believed by most that the aforementioned event, along with some other international athletic affairs, promotes the easing of global contention as well as allowing a country's citizens to portray his love for his country in a controlled environment. I completely agree with this idea.

The key thing to remember when stating your opinion is that is must use the same keywords as the original instruction. So, when asked about the extent of your opinion, using the term "completely" indicates a clear understanding of the discussion question and will increase your score. Saying "in sync" does not provide an "extent" response and hence, would have decreased your score instead.

You could have easily had a 3 body paragraph essay here, which would have further boosted your scoring indicators. When you discussed the first reason regarding the way that sports helps ease tensions among international business competitors, you should have stopped at the point about how international competition is held to boost globalization. Using the world Cup explanation in an expanded manner in its own paragraph would have created a longer and more accurate explanation on your part. The following should be presented as separate paragraphs:

Reason
Supporting Explanation
Example

Your concluding paragraph has potential. It needs to be expanded and improved in terms of delivering the summarized discussion of the essay at the end. You have the potential to write good essays that are bound to get a better than average passing score. You just need proper guidance in order to achieve that.

Writing Feedback / ILETS Task Line graph: Precantage of workers with Illness Absence [6]

Lin, let me respond to your individual questions first.

1. Since the dates given are in the past then you must use past tense references for this paper. You cannot use any other tense because of the years indicated having already gone by.

2. The proper reference would have been "starting in the year 1991 and ending 2001." That method of presentation is all encompassing of the dates indicated in the line chart.

3. Do not aim to shorten the essay because when you aim to write less, you end up missing important information. It is always better to write more, say around 200 words, and then edit from there. You cannot possibly write a proper analytical essay, in a finished form, within 15 minutes. You may take 15 minutes to write a draft though. Aim to be thorough in your presentation instead of short in presentation because you are being judged on the thoroughness of your analysis, not on the number of words you have written. For example there are overlapping points to consider for similarities between absence rates in countries. If you write less words, then that analysis will not be included in your presentation. What you can try to do next time is try to batch the information by year brackets or by countries with similar trends, then offer a deeper analysis of the other parts of the chart based upon the importance of the information.

As much as possible, you should refrain from writing any information in parenthesis because these are standard, required information. All of the information in a Task 1 essay must be presented and used in an official, part of the paragraph form.

By the way, the overview information should be presented in paragraph format instead of stand alone sentences in order to adhere to the C&C scoring considerations that require a complete format presentation for each paragraph. That means completing at least 3 sentences per paragraph which will help you meet the minimum requirements. The maximum is 5 sentences. So that should have:

1. Chart type information
2. Basic information from the chart
3. Measurements used and how it was acquired (if provided)
4. Trending information
5. Discussion instructions (if provided)

Merging your first 2 stand alone presentations at the top of the essay would have fulfilled most of the requirements above, resulting in a higher TA and C&C score for yourself.

Undergraduate / SOCIALLY AMBIDEXTROUS - CommonApp Personal Statement [6]

Artemis, don't suddenly confuse the essay by presenting the academic discussion of your personality traits. It divides the reviewers attention and confuses him because that discussion came out of nowhere. It doesn't belong in this essay because the whole basis for this essay is your personal experience. It need not apply to your academic side because this essay is seeking to introduce your personality trait, away from being a student, to the reviewer. The essay, in my opinion is at its strongest if you will allow it to close on the current 6th paragraph instead, thus bringing your essay down to a respectable 5 paragraph format presentation. The removal of paragraph 5 will not affect the overall presentation and will instead, create a concluding statement with a "punch" that the reviewer expects. The whole essay is interesting to read and truly shows off your multi-cultural background, so you should retain all but one aspect of the essay for presentation and consideration. This is a well developed essay that only requires some simple grammar correction before it can be submitted to the university for the consideration of the adcom.

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement Essay: a topic on Menstruation! [2]

Keely , I am confused by the essay discussion. You need to clarify whether you are in Vietnam or in the United States. As per your profile at the forum, you say you are in the United States. Therefore, there is a disconnect at to why you would want to discuss the issue of menstruation as it affects the Vietnamese women. This will only be a logical and relevant discussion if you are in Vietnam and seeing the consequences of these actions first hand. You have to remember that the topic you have chosen is not a universal issue as most developed, second tier, and even third tier countries have women who have ample access to menstruation products of various types. Therefore, to say that this is a universal issue is incorrect. It is a localized issue for the Vietnamese. It is localized because your essay focuses on the problem of women who have menstruation in Vietnam. This is not a global issue. So there is a misrepresentation on your part within the essay. Additionally, the US government offers free menstruation products so you may want to rethink the reference to California law. This is another unclear part of the essay. While the issues you present are true, the problem, is that the essay is confusing the reader. One minute you are discussing Vietnam then all of a sudden, you are discussing US laws. You need to either focus on one country alone for the essay or, at the very least, write clear transition sentences and paragraphs in order to help the reader keep track of what is going on in your essay. So far, this is confusing and, it would seem, is trying to discuss one too many issues covering 2 different countries. You will need to focus your essay discussion if you are to have a chance of writing more appropriate drafts and a final version of this paper.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue that cars should be banned in city centres while others are against this idea. [5]

Chinky, did you provide us with the complete original prompt? The reason I am asking is because the prompt paraphrase that you created separate so much in context from the original prompt that this would cause an automatic failure of the essay in the scoring system. The prompt paraphrase that you created for not accurately reflect the original prompt and as such, would receive a failing TA score. You have to remember that the opening paraphrase is not the place to start the discussion of the actual discussion of the prompt. That does not start until the second paragraph. You have inaccurately represented the prompt requirements. Just look at the original content:

Topic: cars should be banned in city centres
Instruction: Discuss both the sides and give your opinion.

Look at the prompt paraphrase and you will see that what you presented for the discussion is nothing near the target areas of the original prompt. The proper paraphrase is:

There are people who would like to prevent the use of cars in city centres. Others believe that cars should continue to be allowed in the city centres. In this essay, I will discuss each side of the argument before offering my personal opinion.

There seems to be a missing piece of information in the discussion that you presented. That is, what are the two reasons that represent each side? That is why I think the essay prompt you provided is incomplete. There are usually reasons already presented in the original prompt in order to give you a basis for your discussion. In this instance, you made up that information. Which could lead to low scores if it is proven that you are discussing off topic issues in the essay.

This is supposed to be a 5 paragraph essay since you are being asked to present a personal opinion. A common mistake among the test takers is that they normally use the personal statement to conclude the essay. That is the wrong approach to the essay. Your opinion is still part of the body paragraphs and therefore, cannot be counted as a concluding statement. That is always a summary statement at the end of the essay.

Graduate / ERASMUS essay for program that focuses on environmental policy and planning [4]

Alavy , the whole essay is just a bunch of words that you strung together to write sentences, in order to create paragraphs, but did not consider the prompt requirements per paragraph presentation. That is why this essay does not truly represent the prompt requirements as indicated in the original instructions. You have to revise the essay to create a more reflective response.

For instance, as child who found a sense of "friendship" with a tree doesn't really represent the origin of your interest in environmental issues. The interest in such a serious issue should have happened somewhere in between high school and college. That is because the development of this interest should have happened gradually and found it being strengthened over time. There is no representation of that in the essay.

You are trying to dazzle the reviewer with your knowledge of current events in relation to global warming because you have very little to no relevant (to the prompt) discussions in this essay. It is weak and does not stand a chance of further consideration because of how you presented your responses. What benefits do you have that will relate to your future career plans? What special environmental interests do you have? We are not talking about your trade here. We are speaking of extra curricular activities that relate to your career interests.

You need to revise this essay by writing a new one. In order to make sure that you will manage to respond to each prompt appropriately, I strongly recommend that you first list the prompt down, then write a response underneath. After you have responded to each prompt individually, you can double check to make sure that you properly responded to the prompt. If you think you responded correctly and did a good job at it, then you can combine the separate paragraphs into a complete essay. Just remember to add transition sentences at the end of each paragraph in order to create a continuous discussion feel to it.

Letters / Has television ruined bonds among friends and family or not? TOEFL Independent essay. [4]

Naseer, the first rule of English Test writing is that the opening statement is always meant to prove your understanding of the English language. That is why you are asked to paraphrase the original prompt requirement. The difference in the TOEFL test though, is that you should start your discussion in the opening paragraph by presenting your opinion immediately. With that said, you made a mistake in your presentation because you posed a question at the start which is a cut and paste of the original prompt. You are required to always rephrase or reframe the original discussion in a manner that shows your ability to state something in your own words. You actually lose points for not being able to do that, regardless of the test you are taking. I am wondering though as to why you are responding to an IELTS task 2 essay prompt in a TOEFL tests. These exams normally have very different prompt requirements. Therefore:

Television is considered to be one of the reasons that friends and families no longer communicate with one another. I am in agreement with this statement. In this essay, I will illustrate the reasons and examples that will support this claim.

You need to try and use interconnected statements in your body paragraphs. Your essay is very choppy to read due to the lack of transition sentences at the end of each paragraph. Your discussions do not really represent a clearly explained reason as to how television has destroyed communication between family and friends. It would be better if you used reasons that are easier to explain in your essays. Don't start with your personal experience immediately. For the 2nd paragraph, state a reason and explain it. In the 3rd paragraph, give an additional justification, by the 4th paragraph, you can strongly present the example that will drive the message of your essay home in the strongest possible manner.

The reasons that you placed in your concluding statement are very strong and should have what comprised your body of paragraphs. Your concluding statement is faulty as it is not a summary of the previous discussion as expected by the examiner.

Graduate / Challenges you faced, and the strengths you brought from contacting someone with different beliefs [3]

Xuyi, I can see why you suddenly became concerned about your choice of story. While it is an enlightening essay, it doesn't really hit the mark in terms of representing someone whose life perspective or cultural background is different from yours. Rather than using this group setting for the presentation, think of a time when you worked with a class partner on a project instead. That way there are only 2 of you in the story and it will be easier to represent the differences in opinion, perspective, and background between the two of you. This essay focuses more on the project itself and the group considerations, which are more aligned with the class requirements for the project. The whole discussion is not applicable because you discussed the research process instead of the differences between you and another person as required by the prompt. This is one case when you will have to start a new essay from scratch because this essay doesn't fit the prompt. I hope you can find that individual whom you had differences with in the manner described by the prompt for your next version.

Graduate / SOP for IST master program of PSU [2]

Wang, this is a highly interesting personal statement. This is not a statement of purpose. Put a pin in this essay and use it as the basis of your personal statement essay if required by the application. You cannot use this for the statement of purpose because it doesn't have any of the required SOP information stated within it. An MS SOP requires you to prove that you are not only academically prepared for the course, but that you have the professional experience (of at least 2 years) to support your study requirements. You wrote this essay in the manner of a college common app essay, which is not what you should be showing in this essay. There are a series of information that you have to show in the SOP in order to make it a valid essay.

The first thing you have to represent in the essay is your college background, a summary of your academic accomplishments that will prove that you have the academic foundation for higher studies with regards to your course of interest. This should be able to parlay itself into a solid professional introduction for yourself in the second paragraph. Your professional paragraph needs to provide more detailed information about your professional preparations and requirements that led you to decide that you need advance academic information that should help boost your career chances in the future.

Convince the reviewer that your current professional abilities are adequate, but that you need to train further because your current skills have already taken you as far as it can in the performance of your duties. I don't see any information about that in your essay. Granted that you want to become a researcher in the future, you still have to explain the foundation of this interest. Think ahead by 5 years and don't discuss any doctorate plans in the essay.

Explain to the reviewer why you have chosen this university to enroll in. Your reference to that is currently scattered at the moment. Try to connect your master thesis proposal with your choice of university through your selection of professors that you hope to work with in order to advance your practical training in the field.

Try to think about the information that I told you about in this post. Consider which information you can use to draft a new essay. You should be able to present a more appropriate SOP if you decide to follow my suggestions above since those are the required information for an SOP.

Research Papers / Pornography: A Research Paper on the Devastating Drug [2]

Mattisen, this essay, being a research paper, should be written from the third person point of view. The researcher, in an effort to remain objective and disconnected from the research, in order to present just the facts, must use the third person pronoun in representing the material. Being so involved in the essay presentation makes the reader wonder if you are not bias towards the discussion of the topic. That is why there has a to be a clear disconnection between the author and the presented material.

In the presentation of the opening statement, you need to clarify what sorts of media people immediately dismiss even though they seem erotic and promiscuous. An additional line of information should be presented that explains why people have become oblivious to the daily existence of erotica in everyday material. This will relate directly to the discussion as to why pornographic addiction is sometimes not considered as a real illness.

There is a lacking element in the presentation of Amy's story. It is not clear how her pornography addiction led to the negative relationships in her life. In order for the reader to understand the professional diagnosis, a stronger backstory regarding the effects of pornography need to be presented. That is, because you claim that pornography was the reason that she was having relationship problems throughout her life.

You are not really offering a personal solution based upon your research. There should be a reference to the method by which you believe this addiction can be overcome. Added to the existing closing statement, the essay will be more informative and close on a positive and helpful note rather than a direct statement that does not aim to provide any solutions to the problem aside from the most basis references.

Writing Feedback / The government spending on sport training for top players as compared to everyone [4]

Chinky , when you write the first paragraph, do not launch into an immediate discussion of the essay topic. The opening paragraph is meant to help the examiner assess your English comprehension skills. The only thing he wants to read about in this paragraph is an accurate representation of your understanding of the original prompt. What you did was introduce a discussion in the first sentence of your opening paragraph. I you remove that part and start with the second sentence instead, your prompt paraphrasing will be more on the mark. By the way, your opening statement would have been perfect if you had remembered to paraphrase the discussion instruction as well. That way, the reader will have an idea as to what is supposed to be discussed in the body paragraphs.

The essay does not have a proper concluding statement. Your personal opinion is considered a part of the body of paragraphs and therefore, should never be used to close the essay. The essay will only be considered closed and with an appropriate closing paragraph if you did a proper summation of the discussion along with a prompt restatement and a reiteration of your opinion.

Overall, this is a pretty decent attempt at writing a comparison with opinion essay. You just need to make sure that you address the points I observed above in your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / People should sometimes do things they do not enjoy doing as it can be beneficial [3]

Trang, you cannot write more than 5 sentences per paragraph for this test. You should also do your best to write at least 4 paragraphs per prompt in order to allow yourself a better scoring consideration based upon your English presentation skills. At this point the essay is well developed, but I do not think you did the writing within the allotted time frame. Please make sure that you always practice your test essays within the time provided only because if you are not doing that, you will find yourself lacking for time during the actual test essay writing. If you had provided the original prompt that you were responding to, I could have been able to better direct your writing manner in a method that will allow you to discuss a strong essay within the given time frame. Right now, it seems that you over developed your discussions but I cannot pinpoint where the over discussions occurred. Your closing paragraph is also inaccurate because you are not representing a summary of the discussion as required in that section. That cannot be done in only one sentence.