Undergraduate / REWRITE of Short (250 word) MIT Admissions Essay on the "world I come from" [5]

It was my pleasure to help you Arnav. Now, about this essay. Since you already mentioned this information in a previous essay prompt, I would rather that you don't repeat the information. Presenting the same topic twice in different discussions could make the reviewer think that you have a limited exposure outside of your school which is why you do not have much information or experience to share with him. Try to use something different. If you really want to use the story of polio in relation to your parents, then I would suggest that you pick one parent to discuss as your inspiration instead of both of them. That is because there are still differences between the abilities of a man and a woman even when afflicted with the same illness. So whom do you admire most between your parents? Focus more on that parent so that the slant of your essay will be different even though you have used a similar topic in a previous essay. Reviewers don't really take kindly to repeated information but we will try to work around that if you really want to use this topic.

Scholarship / I am helpful, open minded, future oriented, and loyal. Chevening - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION [4]

Lucas, you have a very entertaining presentation in this essay. I really enjoyed reading it and saw that you have the potential for leadership and the ability to influence people. You actually embody what Chevening is looking for in their potential scholar. The problem though, is that the essay is presented in a messy manner, which made it difficult to decide if you are telling just one story or not. Turns out you were telling two stories.

Please consider dividing the essay into topic paragraphs. That way you can better develop the content of each paragraph to highlight your leadership and influencing abilities. It won't be hard for you to do since there is a clear demarcation of the abilities in your essay. You need to better present the abilities that you actually use in your workplace though. Just as you identified the group you work with, you also have to identify the office or company where you are employed. Your essay will be made stronger if you can present a professional and civic side that supports your leadership claims.

Now, about the last part of your essay that talks about bonds and loyalty, I believe that you should remove those parts from this essay and place it in the networking essay instead. The idea behind your statement falls more under the latter prompt that this one. I am sure you can better develop these thoughts as part of your networking process.

Undergraduate / So naive and young, I had belief that high school was going to be simple. Experiencing an failure. [4]

Lexi, this essay sounds more like you are trying to justify your low grades instead of discussing a failure. In most essays that delve on this topic, the student is normally expected to present a story that shows character development. Similar at times to the transition to adulthood essay prompt. In this case, the story regarding the way that C can affect your future is still being written. So the lesson to be learned is still ongoing. It would be better if you chose a failure in your life that is already a closed book. Meaning, the story has been told and your lesson has been learned. Such a story shows more of your character development and ability to recover from a failure. Right now, the grades story has an uncertain future for you. Don't use that story. Go with a story that already shows a lesson learned from a notable event in your life.

Scholarship / How I relate my abroad studies to my skills - Influence & leadership essay for Chevenning [3]

Adeeb, you need just one proper leadership experience example to make this paper work for you. from what i can tell, your leadership experience is too juvenile to be considered a true and exemplary form of leadership. The character of a leader is probably within you and your ability to influence people does exist on a shallow scale. What we need is something deeper that will show off your leadership skills under pressure and with lack of cooperation. Personally, I would have you focus your paper on your professional experience instead of wasting your time with the lightweight college experience. Develop the work experience because the professional scenario is of the utmost importance in delivering the correct leadership and influencing message to the reviewer. Bear in mind that everyone applying for this essay will be doing so on the strength of their current work experience, so you need to be able to present yourself as a competitor in that aspect.

Undergraduate / You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion to express your accomplishments since graduation. [2]

Yunior, you have the right idea when it comes to the accomplishments that you dream of having within 1 years. The bad news, is that you presented in the wrong way in the essay. Think of this as a letter to your future self. Better yet, think of this as your 10 year , long term career plan. As such, you don't need to talk about your time at school and having fun getting your degree. This is a future scenario. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

The best way to set up this essay would be to open with a statement like "Has it been 10 years since I attended Temple? It seems like only yesterday when I dreamed of owning a publicly listed start up company. I can't believe that dream of mine has already come true. I will admit though, I didn't have an easy time achieving my dream. Right after graduating from Temple..."

You have to show your planned career progression in this essay. I already showed you an example of how to do that. The rest is up to you. You can actually use the information in the third paragraph as a part of your new essay. Start from scratch. Develop a fresh essay that will better show off your future career plans in hindsight form.

Scholarship / I believe that leadership is losing its true meaning lately - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE ESSAY [4]

You aren't the only student who has had to wrestle with the word count Alexis. That is a common problem of the students at this forum. I always tell the students that I help, both in person and through this forum, that it is always best to write well beyond the word limitation when drafting the essay. It is most important that you get all your thoughts down on paper before you begin editing. That is because you never know which statement will be more important than the other. The only way to analyze your essay for important content, will be after you have written everything down. Then you can actually read what you are presenting to the reviewer before you actually send it out. That is the point when you can decide whether your essay benefits from multiple presentations or a singular, but all inclusive presentation. That is also when you will be able to better edit the essay and make sure it meets the word count. There is no one perfect way to write an essay.

Scholarship / Why study in the UK - New Castle University and Birmingham City University [7]

Liseth, while I admire the experience that you have in relation to architecture and design, you accidentally misdirected the focus of the essay while discussing your previous experience. You don't have to present such a revealing discussion of your previous experience in a stand alone manner. Rather, the experience that you have has to match your interests in masters degree courses from the universities you have chosen. Speaking of the universities you have chosen, I see that you opted to choose only 2 for your essay. Since the requirement is 3 universities, you should probably go back and try to find that elusive third school that you would probably want to attend if you don't get into one of the other two.

Now, since this is a masters degree course, the universities offer similar curricula, that's why I can see why you decided to discuss the two universities in a lump. There is a better way to do this which is in line with the prompt requirements. You have to discuss each university individually and present your case for each to the reviewer in the same manner.

Maybe one university edges out the other one in terms of academics and the other has a better internship program. Maybe one combines the dream university of most architects. Whatever the reason, make sure that each university stands out as your choice for a specific, instead of generic and shared reason.

While the essay does need some revision in terms of content, I don't believe that there are major changes to be made in terms of your discussion regarding the relevance of your experience. I believe that this essay will be easier to fix than your previous ones.

Scholarship / Every house needs a good foundation. Short and long-term goals like building a house. [9]

Yee, there is no problem with your word count. You are well under the 500 maximum at this point so you have plenty of room to further develop your scholarship essay. While I do like the concept of building a house, I believe that you should be more straightforward in your approach to your short and long term personal and career goals.

To begin with, when you talk about graduating at the top ten percent of your high school class, make mention of your current standing in the honor role. Then explain why you are confident that you can achieve this goal. Yes, we are talking about your GPA here. Make sure you mention it in a manner that will impress the reviewer. Don't make it necessary for him to search for information about you in your records.

For the funding part. It may not sit well with the reviewer to know that you plan to get by in college solely on scholarships. Most of these foundations look for a sign that the applicant is a self-starter who knows what it will take to finish college and goes for it. That means creating the image of a hard working person who is willing to work part time and full time jobs if necessary to finish college. That is alongside any scholarships that you might receive. Don't concentrate solely on the funding coming from scholarships. It sounds better when you are willing to do the work along with a few free rides whenever possible. Rather than saying you want a free ride all the way.

As for your career plans, please discuss your plans immediately after college first. The Masters degree will require you seek out a new scholarship so just make that part the next step in furthering your employment plans. Talk instead about how you see yourself progressing in your career within 5 years or less. The masters degree should not be the ultimate long tern goal for you. Maybe you could change it to setting up your own business based on your experience and training instead?

Scholarship / According to me, a good leader should inspire others to do more positive acts - Chevening Essay [4]

For your second paragraph, directly relate your ideas about teaching to your personal philosophy about leadership and influence. Open the paragraph by saying:

"On my part, I use teaching as a way to influence and increase positivity among my students..."

That makes your declaration and the whole paragraph all about you and your leadership and influencing ability, even though no concrete example has been presented. You at least show a direct relation between teaching, leadership, and influencing within your workplace. Own the second sentence as well by having it come from a first person perspective instead of a 3rd person point of view.

Build up your Speech Signal Processing class by using it as a separate paragraph. Offer solid instances of leadership and influencing so that this can be the launching point of your actual experience instead of always presenting an observational narrative. By the way, you still mention your friends in the paragraph about the Digital Signal Processing Laboratory. Just remove that whole sentence. It isn't worth keeping because it takes attention away from you. Keep the sentences after it.

Your closing paragraph is still weak. Try to say something more about your role as a leader and influential person in the future. Don't just present such a simple discussion. It weakens the overall essay. Let's try to make this stronger for your benefit.

Scholarship / One day I'll go back to my war-torn country Syria - country that needs real leaders and action doers [4]

Mamdouh, don't go with this essay. It lacks content that is required by the prompt. Develop it further first then devise and edit it before you considering submitting it. You have really developed a very interesting essay and it shows that you know exactly the kind of leader that you wish to be int he future. The problem is that you have concentrated way too much on the hypothetical side of leadership. The essay prompt asks you to balance the hypothetical discussion with experience from your real life. There is a lack of solid evidence through example from personal experience regarding leadership and influencing skills on your part. Sure you presented overview statements of your experience, that should be sufficient enough for the response right? Not really.

Chevening is known of producing future leaders that can lead their countries out of their troubled times. Therefore, they need to know that you will be able to do that through a series of examples related to your professional or volunteer work. All you have done at the moment is imply that you know how to lead and what to expect when you try to influence people under you. There is no clear example of the success that you have had with regards to this idea. The examples are necessary to create a more believable essay on your part.

Scholarship / Networking, whether social or professional, is about building and maintaining relationships [2]

Ni, you need to present a clear example of your networking skill and connect these networks with Chevening somehow. Explain how Chevening can help you build networks while you would be willing to help enhance the same network by sharing your own contacts. Reconsider the content of your essay for relevance to the prompt.

You are supposed to offer examples of your networking skills and how you developed the skill and retain those contacts. The essay is not supposed to deal with your theoretical ideas regarding networking. You are lecturing the reviewer regarding the importance of networking and going to the extent of explaining how networks need to be developed. That is the exact opposite of what the essay prompt is requiring you to do. Read the prompt again. You will see that you are nowhere near providing the personal networking experience that the answer requires. I am afraid that, whether you like it or not, you will have to write a totally new essay.

Undergraduate / I cannot sing, but I am a singer. Singing and music - Yale Common App Personal Statement [5]

Amishi, would you consider using the closing paragraph as your opening paragraph instead? That particular paragraph has a memorable slant to it that makes one interested to read more about your connection to music. If you switch around the paragraphs in the essay, you can create not only a more interesting essay, but also a more imaginative and involving discussion.

By doing the switch, the essay gains a more personal connection with the rest of the stories that you are sharing with the reviewer. As of now, the essay is quite long and I feel that there is room to make it shorter in order to hold the attention of the reviewer. I believe we can better assess how to shorten the essay once you have made the switch in the paragraphs. When an essay is open topic, you need to make sure that you get your core message across before the reviewer loses interest in what you have to say. Right now, the essay feels like a long series of opening statements that suddenly comes to an end. There is a need to develop a beginning, a body, and a conclusion to your essay. That is what we will try to do with my suggested edits.

Scholarship / People w good networking skills are able to approach the right person for their benefit [Chevening] [7]

Hi Sandy, definitely mention the networking skills that were involved when dealing with your suppliers. I think that we can spin that into a topic that can make your networking abilities stronger and relevant to the prompt. Since you had to deal with various suppliers, you had to develop networking skills and you also had to cultivate these contacts for future use in your line of work. It would help if you could mention how you continue to cultivate these existing contacts or how you manage to build new contacts as your career progresses.

If the HR director did not become a person whom you can consider a part of your network, meaning that this person is not someone you can approach for some important work related issues, then don't mention this part in the essay anymore. In actuality, that part of the essay is not really memorable. As such, it can't really impress the reviewer due to some lacking information that could help one consider the successive events something that is part of network building.

I am happy to help you out with your essays. Don't mention it. I'll do what i can to help you whenever I can and in whichever essay it may be.

Scholarship / According to me, a good leader should inspire others to do more positive acts - Chevening Essay [4]

Ni, one thing that you should never do in an academic and professional essay is use the term "According to me." Nothing can ever be according to you. It could be "According to Jim", "According to him","According to her", or according to anyone but you. The proper term to have used would have been, "As far as I am concerned... " or "I believe that..." You definitely have to reword the opening statement to show a higher level of education and an advanced level of English usage.

When yo speak of yourself as a teaching assistant, do not take the attention of the reviewer away from your capacity to lead by including a reference to your friends in the discussion. They are not necessary to the discussion. Focus only on the important aspect which is proving that you have the ability to lead and influence people. As a teaching assistant, you should be able to prove that you have the ability to influence the students in the class towards a better learning process.

Talk about your volunteer activities as a new, separate paragraph. Since that is a new topic of discussion, it should be given its own paragraph. The rule of thumb is "one paragraph, one topic". That is because the reader can end up confused when you discuss more than one topic in a single thread. They lose their flow of thought and get confused. They lose their ability to keep track of the discussion. So use transition sentences and discuss new topics in new paragraphs. That applies to all the topics in this essay.

Your last 2 paragraphs do not have any direct relation to your leadership and influencing skills. So it would be in your best interest if you develop a new and more relevant concluding paragraph rather than trying to fix these problem portions.

Undergraduate / Growing up, I explored all kinds of technologies. University of Illinois Champaign Application Essay [2]

Brian, you need to find a balance in the essay between the development of your interest in computer programming and your future goals. Your whole essay currently just delves into the development of your interest and your current activities in the area. What the essay lacks, is the reference to your future goals based upon your major. Now, how can you do that?

You seem to have a knack for developing original software for various uses. Why don't you expand upon that in the essay to mark your future goal. Basically, the essay is asking you to present a potential thesis topic on your part. A type of research / goal that you can perhaps begin developing while you are a student at the university and then achieve in totality by the time you graduate or, a goal for yourself that you hope to achieve through the use of the university facilities. Whatever the case, your goal should be based upon a unique idea for a software or app that can help your college application essay stand out.

Balance the essay by discussing both aspects that are demanded by the prompt in at least 2 paragraphs each. That should give you more than enough of the word count to properly develop your discussion in the essay. Your goal should not merely be to study computer science. Your goal should be to achieve something within this field of expertise. Either as a student or after you have received the proper academic and technical training from the university. Create a solid goal that can be identified within the essay.

Undergraduate / Teaching English and Computer classes (Chevening leadership essay) [2]

Rani, in the first paragraph, as the leader of the group, I am sure that you were informed regarding the lack of motivation on the student's part. Perhaps you can expand upon your motivational role in that paragraph by explaining either how you helped develop the motivation plan for the other teachers to use on the students or, how you personally helped to motivate the students towards their successful competition participation. Don't limit yourself to just inspiring the educators. As a vice - principal, your duty is to inspire all of the people concerned in the learning process in a school. That includes the students. So your influence skill should include the method by which you inspire those younger than you for their own benefit. Try to extend the same changes to the second paragraph as well. by showing that you are capable of leading both the young and the old shows that you have varied leadership skills and that you are capable of adjusting your influencing style across the ages concerned. That should help finalize the content of your essay.

Scholarship / People w good networking skills are able to approach the right person for their benefit [Chevening] [7]

Sandy, your examples are nice and simple. The simplicity in your example is both its strength and weakness. Its strength is that you have shown that you are capable of sharing networks with your peers and that you are capable of building networks on your own. The weakness, is that the method or incidents by which these contacts were made do not have any strong impact upon the reader / reviewer. This sounds more like a reference for your good moral character instead of your ability to create an intricate and professional network that can help you advance your career at present and in the future. It would help your essay if you could somehow come up with a more complicated network and a more impressive method of having developed these networks. Something along the lines of creating an impression on someone during a seminar or training.

The dinner that you had with your HR manager would have been a good example of your networking skills if your boss had actually referred you to someone of an important position in the company in Indonesia for you to contact for your job hiring. It is important to not only show off your networking skills, but also that you have a network of people in the right places that you can access when the time or need to do so comes. This essay doesn't offer much confidence in your current network. It just can't catch the eye of the reviewer who will be reading of more impressive networking skills from other applicants. Try to beef up this essay. Maybe there is something in terms of your office training or seminars that you can use?

One way I can think of resolving the problem with your essay is by starting with a problem at the office that required you create a network of connections in order to resolve it. Do you, by any chance, have any experience in something similar?

Scholarship / 'As a student I built and maintain strong network' -- Networking Skills, Chevening. [11]

Firag, networks are created over time by attending seminars, training, educational and technological exchanges, and other similar activities. Did you participate in any or all of these? If you did, then explain how you managed to create your professional network using those methods. Try to develop the essay in a manner that explains how your network has helped you professionally and how you expect it to help you in the future. Then connect your networking skill to Chevening by explaining how you hope to share your network with the future scholars and how you look forward to further improving your own network with the help of the scholarship foundation as well. The networking essay is all about extending your circle of influence to a world where the people you might mentor in the future can also benefit from your connections in the professional world.

By the way, I read the other essay already and it looks good to go. You can use it anytime you want to. Nothing more to be fixed there and the grammar is alright. It is acceptable and shows off your English writing skills to be the best of your abilities. No need to worry about it.

Scholarship / Application essay for United World College (2017-19) [4]

Sabrina, UWC has this vision of peace attained through a sustainable future. So that is their mission that you should try to relate to in your essay. Now, the values of the college covers the following:

International and intercultural understanding
Celebration of difference
Personal responsibility and integrity
Mutual responsibility and respect
Compassion and service
Respect for the environment
A sense of idealism
Personal challenge
Action and personal example
I have spoon-fed you the necessary information that you should reflect in your essay. It may require you to revise the content of your current essay. As the list of their values tends to run quite long, I would suggest that you just pick up to 3 of their values that you can relate to the most. Whichever values you feel you can embody and discuss in the essay should work just fine. Then add the information about what you can contribute to the college should you become a student there. Take your time in revising the essay. There is no rush to get it done immediately. Make sure you cover all the necessary points before you have it reviewed for content.

Scholarship / Chevening - Studying in the UK: Development of Architecture and Building Technology [2]

Ignatius, in your rush to draft the essay, you forgot to mention the first university in the discussion about Bartlett - UCL. So I was surprised when you said that the same university offered your second course choice. Please work on developing a sentence that will introduce the university in the first choice paragraph. Just because you already mentioned it in the introduction doesn't mean that the reviewer will remember this information by default. He will be analyzing so much information from your essay that he will need that nudge to remind him about certain specific information.

Overall, the essay does cover the specifics of the essay. You have presented a very strong case for your desire to study in any of these universities, under any of the courses, within the United Kingdom. I don't see any need to change any of the content except for the clarification I mentioned above.

Scholarship / Requesting review of Chevening "Leadership & Influencing" Essay [4]

Arif, for some reason, you approached this essay from the point of view of a definition essay. That is the wrong approach. Neither is this a personal statement where you are welcome to share your personal observations and development in terms of leadership. This is an essay that calls upon you to to define leadership through your actions and influence, through the way that you inspire those around you to action. There is a need for a solid example based upon a professional experience of yours. I am sure that as a professional, you are rich with such stories and can create a highly impressive example for yourself. The current essay that you have written cannot be used as a response to the prompt. You must develop a new essay based upon the instructions that I have provided above for you. Do not start from childhood. Just go directly to your adult experience in the workplace. That is all Chevening is interested in learning about. I look forward to reading your revision.

Scholarship / Chevening Question about Chosen Universities and Future Plan [2]

Rani, you need to individually discuss the universities based upon your own ranking your desire to attend them. Discuss your top choice first, second, then third. You an collectively discuss the reasons that you wish to pursue this masters degree but you need to double check your information because I seem to recall some of them as already having been mentioned in a previous essay for Chevening that you wrote. There must not be any duplication of content across the essays. Just keep your explanation here related to your future plans regarding becoming an author yourself. That means you have to remove the parts about your being a high school teacher and the work experience you have in it. Find a way to replace the redundant information with relevant, but not yet offered information in the essay.

Scholarship / Growing up abroad helped me build a good network. Networking skills essay for Chevening [4]

Aysha, regardless of which essay version you use, there is still a need to mention specific names. I already explained the reasons why in my posting in this thread previous to this one. Both of your examples of networking are tremendously strong and effective. You are only held back by the mention of names for verification purposes. Is there a problem with securing their permission to use their actual names? Of course the dates of these meetings will also help the reviewer verify the data should the need arise. You don't need a specific date, the month alone will do in most instances. Since you are in the field of medicine, you know that the networks created in this field are difficult to create and even harder to maintain. The fact that you were able to maintain these contacts is something you should be proud of. Yes, seek the permission of those concerned. You absolutely need their names for the purposes of your essay. It could be seen as a recommendation on their part to have allowed you to use their names. So the act could definitely help your application in a certain way.

Letters / UNIPDU FT C. How are you Ikbal? I hope you are always fine and healthy [2]

Your letter is affected by wrong spelling , lack of capitalization, and misdirected grammar. I suggest the following corrections to your work:

Hello Ikbal,
Hope that you are doing fine and are healthy just as I am. I am already 20 years old. How old are you now? Are you interested in football? The reason I ask is because I am an avid football player. It's been so long since we last visited each other that I would like to see you again. My family is planning a trip back to Jombang to attend a family event. I wish I could join them so I could see you again. Unfortunately, I have an exam in college that day. So it is with a a heavy heart that I need to delay our next meeting. I know this is the first letter from me. I hope to receive your first letter to me soon also.

Scholarship / 'As a student I built and maintain strong network' -- Networking Skills, Chevening. [11]

Try writing a totally new networking essay based on your professional contacts Firag. I have a sense that we might be able to make it more useful to your application than the one you currently have. I know that it can be difficult to put it into writing but you have to try. You won't be alone in the process. We will all be here to help you make the essay as perfect as it can be. I for one will be willing to work with you on it for as long as it takes. Just remember to start a new thread for it. As for your leadership essay, I don't see any link next to your name on the thread so I can't find it to read and comment on. Double check your profile and make sure that the link icon is active. I don't think it is active at the moment. I'll be more than happy to review it for you once I find the link to it.

Scholarship / Interest, instinct, and determination. Literature and politics have always been of interest to me. [2]

Alireza, you were not able to provide the correct information for the prompt. In fact, this is nowhere near the prompt requirements. This is more of an academic college application essay rather than a Chevening application essay. There is no clear reference to your choice of 3 masters degree courses and the universities that offer them, where you also plan to study. That is what this prompt requires you to provide as a response. Instead, what you have given is a response as to how you have prepared to study for a masters degree. That response is nowhere in the prompt provided. Therefore, you will have to start this essay over. Write a totally new essay after you have reviewed and chosen 3 universities in the UK that offer studies for your choice of a masters degree. Then make sure to discuss the differences between the universities and why you qualify to study at any of the 3. Don't forget to refer to how the university can influence your future career as well. Once you have provided the proper information, we can review your essay again, this time for the proper reasons.

Scholarship / 'As a student I built and maintain strong network' -- Networking Skills, Chevening. [11]

Firag, I hope that the reason behind the lack of actual name behind the organization is that you are just protecting the name against online problems it might create. Please make sure that you refer to the organization by name in your final, private version of the essay. Without it, there is no way the scholarship committee can verify your claims regarding your networking skills. I guess that this essay will suffice for your purpose. It is obvious that you do not have the necessary professional network in place yet to share with the reviewer. I suspect that you will be able to develop that over time should you win the scholarship and you will do it through the existing network of other scholars before you. I suggest that you make that clear in your essay so that the reviewer will know not to expect any professional contact references in your essay.

Undergraduate / I cannot sing, but I am a singer. Singing and music - Yale Common App Personal Statement [5]

Amishi, would you mind providing us with a copy of the prompt that you are trying to respond with this essay? You should always attach it with the essay posting because we use that as the guideline in reviewing your essay. At the moment, we cannot make an accurate analysis of your work since we do not have any idea as to what the topic is. I can however, try to provide a general analysis of the essay based upon what you have written.

I cannot really get a clear idea as to the purpose of this essay. Is this a background response? An open topic? Or perhaps a reference to something that you feel sets you apart from others? There are so many possibilities in this essay that I need you to clearly tell me what its purpose is.

The up close and personal approach to writing is good. It almost feels like you crafted this essay to be a personal statement. Is that what it is? The content is an eye opening look at who you are and what helps to make you this person. Yet, I cannot be sure that this essay meets the requirements of the prompt it was written for. I guess I can give a more accurate analysis and better review the essay once you provide the prompt for it.

Scholarship / Leadership - there are a lot of opportunities to change the status quo of my surrounding environment [2]

Salma, cut the first sentence in the opening paragraph. That will bring your count down to 527. Now, if you prioritize the 3rd paragraph over the 2nd paragraph, that means deleting the 2nd paragraph, your essay will fall to an even lower 412 word count. This revision to the content of the essay will also highlight your most important leadership and influencing task. Now, while the influencing skills necessary are implied, the words you used in the job description made it clear that influencing in your line of work was an important part of the task. Implied is good, omitted is not. In this case, the implication is highly impressive and carries over to the other aspects of the essay as well.

In the paragraph about COB, insert the explanation that as the lead on all projects, your influencing skills are highly necessary when working with "the photographers, technicians and designers to come up with the suitable content and live videos. " Aside from that, I don't really see any other points that need to be addressed in the essay. You have the available word count to better develop the idea in the sentence that I indicated.

Scholarship / A leader is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things. Chevening scholarship 2017/2018 [2]

Okoye, do you by any chance have a more professional and less academic example of leadership and influence that you can use for this essay? I do not mean to belittle your current work but the truth is, while the essay is impressive, it is only impressive in a collegiate sort of way. It does not present you as a responsible professional whose career push includes leadership roles. Honestly speaking, your essay will be up against the most experienced professionals in various fields whose resume and essays will be more notable than yours. So it is important to make sure that your essay can compete with those applicants. Right now, it is impressive, but not in a manner that will help you win the scholarship. If you can revise it using more impressive credentials, then it will be able to perform its task of helping you get into consideration for the grant. Right now, this essay will not accomplish that.

Maybe we can do something with the part about the organization you were elected president of. It sounds truly more professional sounding, even though it was something you did in college, than the project you previously indicated. I hope that you will take my suggestions under consideration. I really want to see you compete and hopefully win that scholarship.

Undergraduate / Staying alone at home - I had finally grown up. Common App prompt #5 [6]

If you feel that there is a redundancy in your language, then you can refer to an online thesaurus to help you change up the words a little. The explanation about how the event made your parents treat you differently after, and offering up explanations for it was just what this essay needed to help it become more interesting. All of the major and minor edits that you did with the essay really paid off for you. What I would like to see you do though is either build up that lonely, single line that just hangs at the end of the essay. Either add to the information as to how your previous experience can help you make your parents proud as you study overseas or, you can just merge it with the last part of the previous paragraph so that the essay will end on a highly positive note.

Scholarship / Chevening: Architect and Educator for The Future Development of Building Technology - Career Plan [5]

Remove the information that came from your Study in the UK essay. I already explained to you that Chevening has a ruling that you cannot duplicate the content of your essay. Once you have mentioned it before in one essay, you cannot use that information again in the next essay. My suggestion to you is this, if you want to use that information in this essay, then delete it from the Study in UK essay. Make sure to follow the rules. While nobody knows how it can adversely affect your essay, what is sure is that it will have a negative effect. So please, don't do it. Don't repeat the information. It won't help your application. The essay is fine in its current form. You just need to pay attention to the duplicated information for the aforementioned reasons. Make a decision.

Undergraduate / Teacher Networks - Chevening essay [2]

Rani, post this essay as a new thread. The forum rules indicate that you need to present only one essay per discussion thread. I hope that the admin will not delete this new essay before you can read my advice. However, if they delete it, just start a new thread with the new essay for review.

Your networking essay is not at all the kind of networking essay that Chevening expects to receive from the applicants. This sounds more like a mentoring essay rather than a networking essay. This is my observation based upon the first paragraph that you wrote. If you will just eliminate that paragraph and start instead with the paragraph that discusses the DKI organization you helped to organize, the essay will be more responsive to the prompt.

Now, in your final paragraph, you made a clear mistake. The mistake was telling the Chevening reviewer about Chevening. Why on earth would you do that? He knows all of this information about the number of their scholars and the like. What they would like to know from you, is how you plan to leverage the network that you have created and will be creating under the supervision of Chevening, towards a better future for yourself. Most importantly, how do you plan to use share the network with the other members of Chevening?

I have pointed out some parts that you can begin to work with in the revision of your essay. There is more work to be done regarding content but the information I gave you should be a good start. We will revise as you go along with the development of your essay.

Scholarship / Gemi, nastiti, ngati-ati is Javanese philosophy my mother has always said to me CHEVENING Leadership [4]

Rani, talk less about the curriculum testing method in the last paragraph and more about what the demands of national testing had on you as a vice - principal and leader at your school. How did you lead the teachers in their preparation for teaching the students so they would pass this test? More importantly, how would the performance of the students reflect on you as a leader? What difficulties did you face and how did your ability to influence people play a part in this situation? Don't mention money collection at all. It doesn't really shed light on your influencing skills directly because you did not make any mention of what you did to help collect the money.

Towards the end of your essay, you lost track of yourself and your leadership / influencing skills. You need to walk back the essay so that it will refocus on you and your leadership and influencing abilities. This is not about the school, it is about your ability to lead the members of the school. Focus the essay on that and drop everything else that takes the attention away from you as per the focus of the essay.

Scholarship / Chevening - Networking Skill : Networking as a media for collaboration [4]

Ignatius, have you ever used any of the networks you have created among your friends for your personal or business use? You are approaching this essay as a personal statement instead of a masters degree paper. You nee to sound more professional and less academic in the presentation of your networking skills. As such, you will need to revise this essay in order for it to best respond to the prompt.

Chevening is not looking for your personal network of friends. What they are looking for is a reference to your professional network that goes beyond your classmates whom you grew up with and live in the same community with. The reason for this essay is that the reviewer wants to know if you are capable of developing a set of networks or networking skills that you can use to help your career in the future. More importantly, the network you will be creating or already have, should be able to assist you in promoting the Chevening objectives and help you support the future scholars as well.

You mention something about owning a business. Please reconsider the content of the essay to reflect the fact that you have a business and you have become an expert at networking because of it. Then present a solid example of say, a situation you had with your business that required you to make use of your contacts and in the process, helped you create an expanded network as well. Then you explain how you plan to cultivate and use this new network in the future.

Review the prompt requirements and you should see the key points of the prompt that you missed in the essay. You missed those points because you wrote this essay as a personal statement instead of a networking essay. There are many samples at this forum to help you get a better idea as to how you can better develop your essay. I suggest you take a look at them and learn from them.

Undergraduate / Incapability is the worst kind of failure. Recognizing a failure in study. [4]

Hey Woodoo, don't feel defeated just yet. There is still a way that you can save the essay. You already related how you failed and what the image of a failure was at your school and how it was perceived in your community, so why not take full ownership of the failure? Make a true admission as to why you failed. Once you become cognizant of the reasons why you failed, you can redirect the content of the essay. You can make the essay state something along the lines of you finally being at that point in your life when you are mature enough to take responsibility for your failures and you will make sure it will not happen again. Then relate how you plan to change who you are as a student should you be admitted into this university. This is just a suggestion on my part but I think it really is one way that you can save this essay without having to write a new one.

Undergraduate / Why Rice? Intellectual atmosphere and traditions eg. celebrations revolving around Willy's statue. [9]

Don't forget to highlight the research that you might be interested in. It helps to mention specific programs and training facilities that they have which can help you further your skills within your chosen major. I would love to read the new version. You may be able to perfect this just yet and in time for the deadline. Don't forget to name one or two of the alumna just to show a direct successful influence on your decision to attend Rice. It shows you really took the time to get to know the school and find commonalities that helped you make the decision.

In response to your question, I will not mind reading a new and longer essay. Just as long as you post it as a new thread in the forum. Sorry, those are the rules, I just follow them. Don't post a new essay in this thread. It will just get deleted. I'll wait for the new, longer essay.

Undergraduate / Why Rice? Intellectual atmosphere and traditions eg. celebrations revolving around Willy's statue. [9]

Whoops! Then that really places you in a quandary. Since it is a STEM school, it won't be easy to justify your choice to major in English there. However, it is not impossible to do so. I want you to look up the following notable author names who are graduates of Rice University. Find some commonality between you guys that Rice might offer. I mean, since these guys graduated from Rice and became well known names, then Rice must be doing something right in their English department. Now, I am not sure if these people graduated from the English department so you will have to find that out on your own. Here are the names: Candace Bushnell, David Eagleman, and Joyce Carol Oats. If you are pressed to find a commonality, then just say something along the lines that you wish to be inspired by your university the way these authors who studied there were also influenced by the ideology and teaching style of the university. That should fix it for you.

Undergraduate / Incapability is the worst kind of failure. Recognizing a failure in study. [4]

Woodoo, are you trying to answer 2 different prompts within one essay? That is how this essay reads to me. First you started out by discussing your bad grades then, somewhere along the way, the discussion turned to how you had a productive summer. Needless to say, I got lost. where did that come from? I thought we were discussing your bad grades and you were taking ownership of it? Your explanation said you needed to explain your bad grades? So why the confused essay? Why the multiple topics in a single discussion? Something is not making sense here. Something definitely got lost in translation. If this essay is about justifying your low grades, then don't veer from that. Stick to developing an acceptable explanation for the mediocre grades you have. It has nothing to do with the latter part of your essay from what I can tell. I think you lacked focus and concentration in this case and it shows in the confused work. Pick a topic, develop, then discuss it thoroughly please.

Undergraduate / Why Rice? Intellectual atmosphere and traditions eg. celebrations revolving around Willy's statue. [9]

Hi Ana, it's no bother at all. I'm happy to review your work. After all, I already started helping you and I don't intend to stop helping you until you tell me that you don't need my help anymore. Feel free to bother me anytime you want to. Now, as for the response you have written. The second part is already an acceptable reason for opting to attend Rice. However, the first part still needs work. I would rather that you revise your response to something that relates directly to the academic world of Rice. What major do you plan to enroll in? Have you given any thought as to how Rice compares to the other universities that offer the same degree? Maybe you can base your decision to attend Rice mostly on the options based on the curriculum of your major? That would really show a deep analysis and personal decision and conviction when it comes to your decision to attend Rice.