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Posts by Holt [Educational Consultant]
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Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 9, 2017
Undergraduate / Autobiography used in exchange program [2]

Dong, I am not sure what kind of review you require for this letter since you did not give any instructions for it. What I did notice, is that this letter isn't the kind of letter of self introduction that would be beneficial to you as an applicant. You need to format this, if it is a letter of self introduction, or a motivation letter, as one that follows the instructions you were provided. Had you given a copy of the instructions for this letter to me, I would have been able to better assess and outline which information is required and which information is not required in your letter. The one thing I can tell you, is that you should not use this outline format in the presentation. You must shorten this letter to only the required elements as per the instructions you were provided. Do not provide your student ID number in the letter. That is unnecessary and, if you still can, delete it from this thread as well because that is private information that nobody except you and the university should know about. You must also know that the IELTS test has a validity period so you have to double check that and make sure that you are not required to retake the test because the validity has already expired. Your outline sounds more like a resume, which does not provide enough explanations, so you will really need to develop your letter into a discussion paragraph, depending upon the required information. Right now, this is just a glorified resume that will not be acceptable as a letter of self introduction or motivation letter.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing 2 The tourism industry has grown enormously over the last fifty years. [6]

Qianting, the first reason that this essay will receive a failing score is because you did not appropriately paraphrase the opening statement. The second reason for a failing score is caused by your inappropriate discussion of the essay. You failed to follow the discussion instruction and because of that, your essay, no matter how nicely worded and presented, will automatically receive a failing score. Compare the two discussion points:

Original Prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Response: I contend tourism has brought many merits to the local country.

Compare the requirements of the original prompt with your response. I am sure that you can see how your response does not match the prompt requirements right? You are asked to agree or disagree with the given statement and you chose to discuss the merits of tourism to a country. You definitely ran counter to the prompt discussion in that aspect. The correct prompt representation would have been:

The past half century has seen a tourism boom among countries. It appears that no country was spared by the rise of tourism. While this is seen usually as a positive development, others argue that the tourism increase does not always translate into benefits for the host country. I totally disagree with this statement for a number of reasons.

If you had properly represented the prompt, then the rest of your body paragraphs would have been acceptable. Instead, you created a different prompt discussion in your opening paraphrase, which will result in a failing TA score. Once the TA score comes in at a lower than passing or merely passing mark, you will find it difficult to increase the remaining 3 band score considerations.

Your C&C score will also be less than passing because you do not fully develop your paragraph discussions with the required 3-5 sentences. You are presenting discussions composed of run-on sentences, which is why you only have 2 lines per paragraph. This means that you are unable to not only properly discuss your essay, but you also cannot develop complex sentences and fully utilize your English vocabulary. These shortcomings will translate into lower than average GRA and LR score as well.

A person using first person pronouns should also never say, "According to reasons..." because that indicates someone else did the talking instead of the writer. Instead, the proper presentation for the opening sentence should have been "Based on the aforementioned reasons, I believe..." BTW, you misspelled the word "Believe". You are scored on the spelling via the LR section also so be careful and always edit, revise, and review your essay for possible errors before submission. Don't lose points considerations if you can avoid it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 9, 2017
Letters / Recommendation Letter for Electrical Engineering Phd Program [3]

Phyllis, this is not a very useful recommendation letter because it is very obviously written by the person applying for university admission. I must recommend that you change the slant of this letter to a specific format in order to not let the reviewer know that you are recommending yourself for the student slot and just having your professor sign for it. Revise the essay and make sure that you write it to include only the following information:

1. The name and position of the person recommending you.
2. How the person came to know you, the duration of that relationship.
3. His observations of your work ethic as a student in his class. Do not include any information that he may not have access to regarding your participation in other events other than his class or activities where he does not have direct supervision and observation of your actions.

4. Your GPA performance in his class
5. Why he thinks you will be a success as a PhD student.
6. His contact information should an interview with him/her be required for verification purposes.

It is the verification interview that you have to be worried about because that is how the university learns of fake recommendations that cancel your application for admission. That is why I always ask the students to include only information regarding the class that they took with the professor in all their letters. If you include information the professor cannot verify, defend, or may sound uncertain about when responding to verification questions or, if the information he will be providing seems questionable in relation to your application, that suspicion will be enough to negate your chances of admission. Remember, you are attesting to the fact that all the information you will be providing is accurate and honest when you submit your documents, so faking a recommendation letter will be a violation of that trust. However, due to language constraints, you could work around that limitation, provided that you stick to only the information I am strongly recommending for the creation of your recommendation letter. A professor will know that only the aforementioned information is required in a proper recommendation letter so it will pass scrutiny.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 9, 2017
Graduate / Where will you go if you had a ticket? - Prompt C for Texas Apply Universities [2]

Arushi, while this whimsical essay shows the reviewer something significant about your upbringing, I feel that the topic being discussed is shallow and not really strong. As the reviewer, I will want to read something in this essay that shows me about your mindset. Who are you? How do you deal with situations? If there was a mistake you had made in the past that this ticket will allow you to go back to and change, how would you change the actions you made then? The ticket you were given is your passport to a world of possibilities, both real and imagined. So take me to that place. Show me something unique about you as a person. I want to know who you are in a playful manner.

Maybe you would want to consider showing me a pivotal moment in time when you decided what your future will be so that I can understand why you chose to enroll in this major. Maybe you have an inspirational role mode who is no longer living who, through the magic of the ticket, you will be able to go back in time to visit and interact with. How do you imagine yourself learning from this person? Why would this meeting be all too important for you? There are so many places, timelines, and historic events that you can visit using this ticket. For me, it is such a waste to use it just to go back to a time in your childhood when nothing significant actually happened. Surely there must be something you would want to do in the past that would either describe who you are today, why you think the way you think today, or perhaps, how an event in your life, if executed differently, would have resulted in a totally different person or life for yourself at present.

I am not saying that your essay is bad. It is actually good. I just think the response could use a little more meat or importance. Right now, as far as I am concerned, the content is too trivial and will not hold its own when compared to some stronger response essays based on the same prompt from other applicants.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 9, 2017
Graduate / Sustainable Development Statement of Purpose [3]

Asli, this is not exactly a proper statement of purpose. There are number of starter paragraphs that you can use for your revised version, but the rest will have to be deleted. Let me see if I can break it down for you here. I'll indicate where you need to present additional information or new information will be required.

Paragraph 1 - Just after my graduation, I moved to a border city, Gaziantep, to work with ZZ where ... more efficient and reliable.
Paragraph 2 - During this experience ...and coordination.
Paragraph 3 - Considering the fact ...my future career.
Paragraph 4 - Summarize your college education and explain why you studied this instead of a course related to your current career. You need to explain the idea behind your career change. Add information about your current work training and other skills related development you have undertaken up to the present time.

Paragraph 5 - The factors that influenced your university choice and why you feel that this university can help you achieve your career goals
Paragraph 6 - State a 5 year career plan and why the university choice you made is critical to achieving these plans.

While you need to add critical information to your essay, you are lucky that you have some pretty solid paragraphs to take from the above version to help you get started with your revised work. Following the above outline will help keep you on track as you develop your next draft version for the SOP.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / Should air fares be increased to discourage people from travelling by plane [3]

Andy, kindly remember to provide the complete prompt the next time that you provide an essay for review. We cannot help you further improve your written content without it. I strongly recommend that you do that so that you can also be familiarized with the different discussion types for the various essay tests. At this moment, I know that you presented an acceptable argument in your essay. However, the arguments that you present are weak because you are always under the minimum 3 sentence requirement of the cohesiveness and coherence section of the essay scoring criteria. As such, the examiner will consider all of the presentations under developed and under discussed, thus garnering you the lowest possible scores in the TA, C&C, and GRA sections. Your opening statement does not come across as a complete paraphrasing of the original prompt either, which will reduce the TA score even further. As you did not provide the original prompt, I am also uncertain as to whether or not you were able to accomplish all of the tasks within the requirements provided. Therefore, even though you have a nice essay presented for review, it may not be the kind of essay that will garner a passing score in an actual setting.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 8, 2017
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for graduate school application in Behavioral Economics (US) [2]

Sakulrat, this is a very well written essay. Unfortunately, what you wrote is a Personal Statement and not a Statement of Purpose. The Statement of Purpose focuses more on the discussion of your professional life in relation to your higher academic interests. That is why this particular essay requires only a specific set of information that you must provide. These information are:

1. A summary of your college studies (your major in relation to your profession) and your thesis project (in relation to your major and profession)
2. Your work experience up to the present time.
3. Any relevant seminars and training that you recently attended which may have helped your realize that you need higher learning in order to effect some of your career goals.

4. What your career goals are at the moment in relation to your higher studies.
5. What your 5 year career plan is
6. Why you chose this university
7. What impressed you about the university.

Now, with that listing on hand, I think I can help you get started with your new draft by pointing out which paragraph numbers you can thread together in order to create a more appropriate essay draft. I believe, that you can consider using the following paragraphs: 1, 3,5,7,8. You still lack professional qualifications and references to the required information above in your essay but these paragraphs, properly revised, will allow you to create a better draft for your SOP. You may want to consider reading the finished SOP sample essays here, just to give you a stronger push in the right direction in terms of the kind of information and quality of writing required in a SOP.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 8, 2017
Scholarship / Statement which is required for a PhD scholarship in the USA. [2]

Fahima, this essay is too long. You are trying to pack in way too much information into one essay so I have to wonder, what kind of essay are you being asked to write? A statement of purpose? A Personal Statement? A motivation letter? An open topic essay? As a scholarship essay, what kind of prompt are you being asked to specifically design for the application? Please provide the correct prompt so I can help you in a manner that will be useful to you. I can't figure out what line of discussion this essay should be taking because you did not indicate what kind of essay you are writing for graduate school. Kindly identify what kind of essay you are trying to write so that I can tell you which information to pick out of this version for use in the prompt you will be providing. The beauty of this general essay that you wrote is that you have included all of the information that you need for the prior essays that I mentioned. All you have to do at this point, is pick out the required information based upon the essay you are required to write. I hope that you can provide me with the specific type of essay that you are developing so that I can better assist you by indicating which information you can pull together in order to create a more appropriate draft for your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 8, 2017
Research Papers / School Uniforms, The Good and Bad - research [2]

Juliana, you have listed this as a research paper. While your research does strongly support the advantages of having students wear a school uniform, the research you are presenting does not show a fully developed research on your part. Unless otherwise specified by your professor, a thoroughly researched paper shows both sides of the argument, with a stronger inclination towards the side that you support. This is what is called a bias research paper as you only discuss the side that you support without consideration for the opposing arguments. A strong research paper will showcase both sides of the issue, with the objective of the researching being the destruction of the opposing argument. Think of it as a written debate where in the end, the side you support should win the argument. Your current presentation isn't effective because of the one sided discussion. In a 6 paragraph research paper, you should have it formatted as follows:

Par. 1 - Introduction with thesis statement
Par. 2 - Opposing side
Par. 3 - Your side
Par. 4 - Opposing side
Par. 5 - Your side
Par. 6 - Conclusion

By the way, never place a question within the conclusion. You will be expected to respond to that question. A research paper cannot effectively use a rhetorical question, which is what you tried to use in this instance, because of the required supporting data in the paragraph presentation. So, place the question, and its response, within the prior paragraph, not the concluding statement.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay Task 2. Advantages Vs Disadvantages of buying things on the Internet.250words [5]

Dariela, I would like to offer you a complete review of the work you have done here. The problem, is that you did not include the original prompt requirement with your essay. So the analytical part of the assessment is out. I can only make a general assessment of your essay which, in all honesty, will only be partially helpful in improving your writing skills in the particular essay task.

Don't quote any facts or figures in these essays. You need to broaden your discussions when you do that and you only have 5 sentences with which to defend your line of reasoning. Next, using figures requires you to do online research, which you won't be able to do during the actual exam due to a locked down, LAN only computer system. It is imperative that you always practice in as close to an exam center set up as often as possible so you will know how to function on the exam day itself.

Your grammar requires improvement. The sentence structures and grammar range will not get you a passing score. The confusing paragraph presentations will also not get a passing C&C rating. You are not cognizant of the writing rules. Always capitalize the first word of every sentence. Avoid run-on sentences such as the ones that you created in the concluding paragraph. The standard minimum 3-maximum 5 sentence requirement per paragraph applies in all instances, specially in the opening and closing paragraphs.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 8, 2017
Graduate / Continuing education in Korea by pursuing a graduate degree in Cultural-Art Business Administration [6]

Hi Kayla, in response to your "personal" question, I am a more than 30 year academic consultant veteran who willingly shares all that I know and all of my expertise with the students trying to catch a break in the academic field, whatever field that may be in, within this free forum. My vast experience in various fields has helped countless students achieve, or come close to achieving, their academic desires. I can take a student into the front door when it comes to passing one of the qualifying English international exams, getting the student considered for admission, or considered for a scholarship program. Whether he stays inside or not, whether the student passes the exam or not, gets the scholarship or not, depends on the qualifications / documentation he submits and how he performs in the interview / test.

For your essay, it is always best to present the information in the outline presented by the prompt requirements. The Koreans have their own way of organizing their information content and the outline is normally the best way to ensure that you will stay on track and deliver only the required information within the essay. Since you have a copy of the prompt and its outline, you just need to make sure to stick to the plan with regards to presentation.

As of now, paragraph 2 does not seem to fit in the overall presentation. So I would put a pin in that for now. It may be useful as you edit the essay, just not at the moment. Your essay is still in its draft stage so you have room to move around. Don't focus too much on the way that you worked in Japan and the Asian influences in relation to your work. You are not focusing on the right aspects of the prompt. Read the prompt indications again. Try to discuss each listed presentation within 2 paragraphs at the most because you are limited to font size 10, within a single spaced page. You can write more for now, just make sure you can edit it properly without affecting your desired presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / You have decided to resign from your work in order to try a new field. [4]

SG, I have a different opinion on your letter. I read your letter a number of times and I made a different observation of your work. It is my opinion that you delivered all of the aspects of the prompt requirements. In any resignation letter, a reason for your resignation is not required of the resignee. Only the irrevocable intention to resign is what you have to indicate. The reasons for doing so may or may not be indicated because that is, in real life, an optional part of the essay. The intention to explore the unknown is an acceptable "personal" reason for your resignation. Your overall letter delivers on the requirements in a direct manner. In a resignation letter, you only need to state the facts which you did in this version of your letter.

Again, this is just my analysis of your work on this letter. I have found that you have done a better job of delivering on the requirements of this essay than on your previous document writing exercises. You showed a clear understanding of the prompt and an appropriate level of writing for a resignation letter. This is a document that you can be proud of having written. It is a good start and shows that you have improved your skills while also indicating room for further improvement as you go about your practice tests. I do not doubt that you will be better prepared to take the test when you finally decide to take it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / Leadership in depth of knowing its members [2]

Reni, did you use an English translator for this essay? It sounds worse than odd when being read by a native speaker. It comes across as senseless, without a purpose, unable to present a proper thought process. You may want to consider running this essay through a grammar checker for accuracy purposes. Regardless of whether you have the proper grammar in this essay or not though, that does not erase the fact that the essay is not competitive at all in presentation, information, or consideration. The essay should be reflecting your leadership and influencing skills in a professional setting, in relation to an office scenario. Your essay needs to focus on something related to the expected presentation of traits. Since this is for an extra curricular event, that isn't very well explained, you cannot really use this presentation in the essay. When you talk of the business itself, you only explain how you became a leader, but did not offer a relevant example of your leadership and influencing skills during that time. The whole essay needs to be revised. Better yet, delete this essay and try to write a new one that is more profession centered. Try to find an office scenario that called upon you to perform as a leader with excellent people skills that translates into an influencing action.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Graduate / Continuing education in Korea by pursuing a graduate degree in Cultural-Art Business Administration [6]

Kayla, I don't think that you have familiarized yourself enough with the KGSP application essays. Your SOP does not reflect the proper requirements as indicated in the application form. For this essay, the prompt indicates that you have to present a Goal of Study along with a Study Plan. To be highly specific you need to represent the goal of study, title or subject of research, and a detailed study plan. What you developed for your response essay above falls more under the category of a personal statement. In fact, it sounds more like part of it are more qualified for the Letter of Self Introduction. Are you sure you did not get the two essay prompts mixed up when you posted the essay for review here? Please double check. I have a funny feeling that you got the prompts mixed up. Do yourself a big favor, make sure you understand what the prompt you are responding to is asking for first. Then write a relevant draft in relation to the prompt requirements. Don't forget, as with any application if the wrong response is attached to a prompt, you will be endangering your application by forcing a cancellation of your application on the basis of a technicality.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Undergraduate / "My experience as a basketball captain. " - General CommonApp Prompt [7]

Good so far, but it seems to be an incomplete presentation. Even with the word limitation on this statement, you should still manage to come up with a proper introduction, body, and concluding statement. All within a number of sentences or within 3 paragraphs, whichever fits the word maximum requirement. Your second paragraph sounds almost exactly like your first paragraph, with a few changes here and there. Try to present a new piece of information that highlights what you learned or what you did as the b-ball captain. There must be some other interesting tidbits you can share that helps to lighten the mood of the statement while highlighting your skills as a team leader. Your last paragraph sounds like it needs a closing sentence at the very least. It sounds like there are still more statements to come but then you forgot to include it. Close that paragraph in order to create a tight statement response.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Undergraduate / "I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world" UGRAD response [3]

Raafat, this is an overly informative essay but it doesn't really show how you can add to the diversity of the program. You focus too much on what you can get from the program and how people view you but you never once referenced what you can contribute to the program. The UGrad program has limited participants so you need to figure out something about you which makes you special then share that with the reviewer. Think of it in terms of diversity. You can learn from the group, but you aren't specific about what you hope to share, educate, or teach the group and your host family about. Revise the essay to deliver a two way participation on your part. Highlight what makes you special either in terms of your background or your heritage that will enlighten them about you and then some.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / Pursuing financial literacy and education for Filipinos. Chevening Post Study Plan [3]

You must have a specific project in mind for your request for funding from the UK government sponsored organization. It isn't enough to pay lip service in this instance. You must at least represent an idea as to how the funds will be used. While that plan may change in the future, a tentative representation is required in order to prove that you are really serious about your application. That helps to bolster your plan of working with the BSP. The two organizations, coordinating to back your project should result in a positive result for your future plans. Specifically, the UK supported one. Your current proposal should indicate what role you hope the UK organization will be playing, aside from being the funder of the project. How does the UK interest in that sector tie in with your project? Delve into possibilities that could become realities for your career goals.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Undergraduate / Academic and personal experience, preparation for and commitment to further study at SCAD [2]

Anna, this is a good start. your opening paragraph is believable as most kids do get their start in the arts by trying to draw the Saturday morning cartoon characters. You should develop a personal story to go with that time though. Describe how it felt for you to be drawing stick figures or something. What was the joy that you got out of your early drawings that helped to turn a hobby into a passion? Build on that idea. Show your passion for drawing while calling as little attention as possible to your academic grades in other aspects not related to art. Don't highlight your weaknesses. Instead, dazzle the reviewer with your strengths. Aside from the online tutorials and library visits for more anatomy lessons, what else, in the form of formal training did you have? Did you attend drawing classes? What medium are you most comfortable using? Pencil, water color, oil? Why did you choose that particular medium? Have you had any accomplishments regarding your drawings that could make you stand out as an applicant? any awards or recognition? More importantly, what are the reasons that you chose SCAD for your college studies? I don't mean the run of the mill responses, I mean the "I really put great thought and consideration into my choice of art school." paragraphs. These could be the guidelines you can use for the further drafting of your essay. It's a step in the right direction for your response. It's up to you to make it shine.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Grammar, Usage / Couple of sentences in English for my power point [3]

Askan, it would have been better if you had loaded the complete paragraphs instead of just snippets because of the grammar continuance issues that can arise as the languages switches from yours to another person's. Sometimes, that causes the paragraph to make less sense than the original. Anyway, here's my take on corrections for your sentence portions:

1. ... found in THE heat... non-conformance occurs DUE TO...
2. ... regulation WILL BE to...
3. ... all OF THE 5... possible OPPORTUNITIES that MAY CAUSE PARTS TO MIX...

I am not sure if the corrections will blend with your original voice and presentation style. Use these corrections only if it will not change the presentation style of your essay. It is important that your voice is not change within the essay discussion paragraphs.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / I have solid skills to make my networking abilities grow - Chevening scholarship. [7]

Alan, you lost it. This is not the kind of networking essay that will impress the reviewer. As an intern, you would have been expected to depict instances when you developed contacts within this company that you were able to retain and harness as current profession related contacts. Instead, you only described how you worked like a office gopher. Helping anyone and everyone concerned. Not once did you depict an instance of network development. As a freelancer, you only spoke of the reasons you developed a network, but did not depict its foundation, growth, development, and usefulness. You are nowhere near a proper networking representation. A true network portrays a career development or usefulness during certain profession related instances on your part. That doesn't exist here. I don't get the point of the essay as you have written it. There is no real network indicated in either instance. Please review some sample networking essays here and follow their examples in order to improve your essay. Focus on describing what your network is for, how it helps you with your career, and how you manage to cultivate it for long term use and applicability in your field of work.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / The three courses that will led me forward as a professional - Studying in the UK Question [2]

Walter, your first paragraph is unnecessary. That slot is normally reserved for your academic summary in relation to your college major. The second paragraph, is focused on an overview of your current profession and the skills that you feel you need to develop in order to do a better job. Your last paragraph shows a clear objective for your studies so I would leave that intact as of now. Your body paragraphs are strong and indicative of a person who has considered his potential future careers. You show that you are read to excel, regardless of which masters course you are approved to study. Although, that should not be a worry because you are normally expected to enroll in your first course choice and university when you are granted a scholarship slot. Work on an academic and professional presentation that will allow you to further enhance an already good essay presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening_Leadership experience gained from emergent events is often the most precious. [6]

Sue, as far as I am concerned, there is only one level of leadership and influencing that should be fully presented in this essay. That is the very first reference you made in relation to the fire at the amusement park. The way that you took charge of the situation and made a usable action plan for everyone to follow shows inborn leadership. However, there wasn't enough focus on influencing in that section, or any other sections that you presented. If you will just remove the other references int he essay and instead, think of a situation during that crisis when you were called upon to influence others, then you will have a pretty good essay to present. Simply making phone calls to other pharmacists doesn't qualify as an influencing reference. You need a more appropriate situation to prove that ability. Excellent work on proving your leadership abilities in that instance though. The other parts you presented do not work as well nor do they sound as impressive.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / The importance of knowing people in person - it is vital in creating excellent networks. [2]

SG, the first paragraph should be deleted or revised for a number of reasons. The first, is that saying you met someone who can help you get a visa for free if you are accepted into the program sounds very unprofessional and should never be referenced in an academic essay of this magnitude. Aside from that, none of the networks that you infer in that paragraph relate to your profession. Therefore, their relevance to your job, as it should be considered by Chevening does not exist. Hence, it is a throw away paragraph.

Your reference to your within the workplace network is one that, in this instance, is valuable because of the way that the airport works. The physical structure alone is already a network of connected hubs. That is why the importance of creating your personal professional hub within your workplace is also important and relevant to this application. Overall, the rest of the essay is well developed but lacks a reference as to why this network will be important to Chevening and its members. Why should this network matter to them? What purpose does it serve outside of the specialized world of airport management?
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Essays / I'm clueless in networking skills question what does that mean? / Chevening scholarship [4]

Rather than wasting your time telling me that you do not know what to write and you do not know how to work information about you in the networking section, look at the example essays for pharmacy Chevening applicants instead. There are more than a handful essays from them in this forum. That covers all the 4 essay requirements. Don't spend your time stressing out. Read their sample works and then draft your own essay based on their examples. That will show you exactly how to use your available and most relevant information to create strong essays based on the various prompts. We can't tell you how to work information into your essay because we don't know your qualifications and who you are beyond what you type in the text box for us to read. If you are really worried about how to properly write this essay, you can always refer to our URGENT thread or our SERVICES section. The latter is sure to remove all the stress that you are feeling because someone else will take your available information and turn it into a usable essay for your application.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Undergraduate / A woman interested in pursuing a career in biomedical engineering [3]

Annabel , remove the reference to being intimidated to enter into a male dominated field. Don't forget that one of the current educational thrusts in America at the moment is an increased enrollment of women in the STEM field. Therefore, there is no need to indicate being intimidated because you have the university and the government itself backing your desire to succeed in this area. Focus the essay on introducing your interest in the "Women in Engineering" program instead and the opportunities that will provide you. Then immediately refer to your excitement at the thought of joining an international research position at an international partner school. The co-op program is not as impressive as the first two reasons so I would skip that because of the general application of that program. Focus only on the STEM centered programs of the school as the reason for your choice. Maybe, you can indicate an interest to take a semester abroad with a specific partner university for a specific research you hope to undertake as an undergraduate. That sort of reference normally shows that you have done your research and you know exactly what you will be doing once you are accepted into the university as a student.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / I intend to connect with a wider community through Chevening network. [3]

Kwesi , your networking essay does not establish anything except to establish that you know a group of people who will not provide you with the recommendation letters required for this scholarship application. Therefore, the best thing for you to do will be to delete this essay and write a serious essay that does not dwell on self importance as much as you do in this essay. Be open about your networks and how these have helped you achieve greater success in your career. Offer a glimpse into how you maintain high profile networks, without mentioning names. It would be safer and better to mention the organizations itself than names in particular because organization and association references can be fact checked without having to speak to a specific person who could disavow knowing you. Focus on presenting an interconnected network. It should look something like:

I joined A when I did X. This led A to introduce me to B who I worked with during XX. After that, I had a work situation that had me calling A and B for help. A and B had a common friend, C, who became part of my professional network because...

A fluid presentation of interconnected networks would be the best presentation for any networking essay as that shows cultivation and growth in a field that could be of interest to the Chevening reviewer. By developing the essay that way, you need to only give a simple explanation of how Chevening alumni and future scholars can benefit from this network with your help.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Graduate / Analog/RF IC is an art which has high design flexibility - SOP for PHD in analog IC in USA [3]

Wang, since you already have a previous masters degree tucked under your belt, going all the way back to your college days for a reference is no longer required in this instance. You should provide a summary of that section of your academic life because it only laid out the foundation for your career. The actual focus of your current discussion should be on how your masters degree has improved your career to this point, where you now require a PhD in order to function at a higher capacity on the job. Refer to a potential dissertation thesis in relation to your masters thesis or a fresh research project that better aligns your more advanced academic interests with your PhD desires. Start your essay at paragraph 2, then bring up paragraph 5, improve on the presentation and information, and present a potential thesis statement before discussing why this PhD university is the best choice for you. That would create a more appropriate draft essay for your purposes.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / Picking Loughborough University, University of Reading, and Salford for their reputable achievements [3]

Ibrahim, remove the second paragraph because that creates a repeated presentation in your essay. You cannot use the paragraphs describing the universities because these are mere university descriptions, without any proper reference to its applicability to your line of work, future work goals, and academic experience. Therefore, all 3 paragraphs are void. You must think of personal and academic reasons to attend the universities that do not include ranking, university descriptions, or laboratory references. Focus on the academic aspect. What learning situations do they offer the students? Why are you interested in these learning types? Connect these with your professional training. Think about each course. What interests you about the course in relation to your work duties? Make sure that you create an academic and professional connection between the course and yourself. Failing to do that means the essay will also fail once submitted. Believe me, there is nothing in this essay which you wrote that can help improve your application chances. You need to write a new, more focused, more applicable essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Letters / Motivation Letter - UN4MUN South East Asia Conference [3]

Joanna, you don't seem to understand what the requirements of a motivation letter are. You are not supposed to give a run down of your biography. Neither are you supposed to discuss work experiences here. Instead, there is only one question that needs to be responded to in as little as 3 paragraphs, "What motivates your interest in this course?" Follow up information can be provided by also indicating "What drives your interest to enroll in our university?" Both should be completed within a summarized manner since the motivation letter is just an overview of the information of your personal statement and statement of purpose.

In this letter, your motivation is not really clear. You spent too much time discussing your related background that the actual motivation you have, or your true interests were sidelined. A motivation letter is not about skills. It isn't about experiences. It is about your mindset and your desire to make a change in the field. That is what should be reflected in the motivation letter.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / Sudden operation. Experiences and challenges of a female Embryologist. Chevening essay [3]

khadeejah , you only followed the orders of your superior in this essay. That is not indicative of a leadership skill. Knowing how to complete a procedure is not leadership either. There is nothing in this essay that creates a semblance of leadership and influencing. This is a useless essay that will get you disqualified from the running. You must write a totally new essay. One that showcases a professional leadership situation that has you taking the lead on a project, influencing team members to work together, and also, resulting in a successful undertaking. I can't ask you to use any portion of this essay because you have not written anything that qualifies as usable information for this particular prompt. Don't tell a story or define things. Show me how you act in situations where you are called upon to lead and make decisions for a group. Not a situation where you were ordered to follow a set protocol. That is what you did here, which is what made the essay present information different from what is required.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 7, 2017
Scholarship / Don't expect to receive benefits from your contacts but be ready to give these benefits to others [3]

Iriyna, it is an exaggeration to say that you have "contacts all over the world". Rather, you have "a significant international network" that can assist you during times you need a consult regarding international law. Don't exaggerate. Change the term that I indicated for replacement. There is no clear example that can lead the reviewer to believe that you created some contacts during your time in Poland. These contacts need to be of the professional and academic kind owing to your being an exchange law student. Definite network involvement is required. Activities indicative of network enhancement and growth are a must in these types of presentations. It isn't enough to just mention "ELSA" and "Vis Moot". An explanation regarding the relevance of the network to your career should be included. You have mentioned specific names of professors in this essay, have they provided you with recommendation letters? If not, then do not mention them because they might be interviewed as part of the information verification procedures. Since you are now a practicing lawyer, you should be focusing your network discussion in your professional practice. What legal groups are you a member of? How have these groups influenced your work as a lawyer? Has participating in their activities expanded your own network? Would you say that this is a network that can be useful to the other legal professionals who are part of the Chevening roster? If so, how? Bear in mind that your network will also be expanded by your Chevening membership so you should be able to justify the reasons why your network qualifies you to join them. This presentation is very unclear on those points as the focus is mostly academic in nature. It would seem that you do not have the 2 year minimum work requirement for the scholarship based upon your presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / Nowadays online shopping becomes more popular than in-store shopping. Is it a positive or a negative [5]

Vincent, when you first read the prompt requirement. There are 2 things you have to do. That is, identify the topic sentence the discussion basis sentence, and the instruction sentence so that you can properly paraphrase the prompt. In this instance, you identified the topic sentence properly, but misidentified the discussion basis sentence. The discussion basis is "positive or negative development?" This led to an incorrect instruction assumption on your part. You deviated and did not present the correct "reasons and examples" for this essay.

When you analyze the discussion basis, you have to be on the lookout for specific keywords that tell you whether or not a discussion is a single opinion or multiple opinion presentation. The minute you see the word "OR", that automatically qualifies the prompt as a single opinion discussion essay.

Your opening paraphrase of the topic sentence is different enough from the original in my opinion because you used keywords such as "popular" and "online shopping" without really mentioning the original context of "than in-store shopping" although you implied it. That makes it different enough to qualify for an average score. Using keywords from the original prompt shows the examiner that you understood the prompt topic and you know how to use it in a given context. Hence, you proved you understand English to a certain degree. However, your third sentence is a direct paraphrase of the original, so that will bring the score down. A more appropriate paraphrase, that would have kept you on track instead of changing the discussion instruction is:

Online shopping is the new normal shopping routine. It has surpassed the popularity of in-store shopping among today's shoppers. This has led to the question as to whether this development is a positive or negative result of the online shopping method. I believe this is a (state your opinion, positive or negative) occurrence. In this essay I will be presenting popular reasons and examples to support my claim.

Your second paragraph properly illustrates your discussion topic. It provides proper reasons and examples within the presentation but falls short of offering a valid reason for this convenience. One reason that it is more convenient could be that it is cashless shopping. Or, people like being able to shop without having to spend extra on parking fees and gasoline. You should have developed the supporting reason in this paragraph rather than just focusing in the different reasons. One strong reason, strengthened with a proper supporting discussion in 2 or 4 more sentences would have done the job.

You could have presented 2 supporting discussions in the essay and then concluded after the 3rd or 4th paragraph. That would have allowed you the chance to write a more varied sentence presentation and showcase your English vocabulary a little bit more. In this instance, the discussion was not only wrong, but it was also limited in vocabulary scope.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Letters / A letter of application to the organisers. (IELTS TASK ONE) [3]

CJ, you only accomplished the most minimal of word requirements to suit this test. When you limit the words that you write to only a little over the minimum count, you are not assuring yourself of passing this test. You are being scored on your grammar range and accuracy in this instance so you should try to write 200 words at the most, using a mix of complex and simple sentences. You can also stick to just simple sentence presentations such as you have at the moment. That can also work towards increasing your score, provided you try to write complete paragraphs instead of short 2 line sentences per paragraph. Write 3 sentences and you stand a good shot at a decent score. 5 sentences earns you the chance for maximum scoring consideration. This essay is very weak in presentation. Your grammar is not showing improvement at all. Even if I correct the whole letter for you, if you do not even try to improve on your own, then I don't see how all the help in the world can help you pass this test. Try to do more grammar exercises to help develop your English writing skills. Those are freely available online. You know the message of the instructions, it is your execution that is often faulty due to your limited English vocabulary and grammar skills.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Two examples from my professional experience to illustrate my leadership and influencing skills [2]

Elissa, this is an essay that shows the reviewer your efficiency as a rank and file employee who is accomplishing assigned tasks. This is not a leadership essay that highlights how you lead a team, influence decision making procedures, and enact changes that would prove that you have some sort of leadership abilities and influencing skills that can be developed by the Chevening experience. What you have to represent is a leadership attitude that asserts itself when surrounded by a group of people in the office who seem to be running around like headless chickens when faced with a pressure situation. Your job, is to show that you have the ability to calm down the situation, analyze the problem, and enact a solution that will make a difference. The implementation of the solution should carry a heavy influencing reference since the team will have to come together to support a decision, which you made, that they may not wholly support. How you convince the non supporters of your decision is what will tie the essay all together in the essence of the prompt.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening - excellent opportunities for networking and staying in touch with people from UK [4]

Yonas, your networking essay is supposed to give the Chevening reviewer an idea as to what kind of business contacts you have made over the years that you have been doing your job. That means, you are expected to show a sort of network development that ties in with your career improvements. People you meet during seminars and training programs, associations you join and the references that these two provide you with in line with your career movements should tie in with the development of your career and be exemplified in this essay. How you created the network, what it's worth / use to you in your profession, and how Chevening can benefit from your network should be reflected in the essay. Since none of these are represented in your essay, you cannot submit this essay for consideration. If you do, your application will be immediately cancelled due to non-compliance with the prompt requirements. Review the proper samples of networking essays here to help you get on the right track. Any of the samples here will help you at least direct your essay in a proper networking manner.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / I need Postgraduate education to do these great things in my career. Career Plan Essay [2]

Marzia, open with the OUPP reference to encouraging their editors to come back to work after the education is completed. That sounds like a tremendously solid and achievable career plan after you graduate. Always present your employment information after you graduate first. Make sure that the reviewer knows that there is a job waiting for you upon your return because it makes you sound important to the company and increases your profile as an applicant. After that, you can discuss preparing for the CSS exam. Here is the thing though, I do not see the UK government sponsored project that you can work with upon your return to your country. Why is that? Is there no UK government supported project in line with your masters degree or profession? You have to present that at the top of the page if you can because that is mandatory information in this essay. Without it, your application will either be rejected immediately or placed in the non-priority pile, to be reviewed again (or not) depending upon the remaining non priority scholar slots available.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Acceptance into a UK university is an opportunity of a lifetime for me which I do not intend to miss [3]

Ben, your essay will not benefit your application. You have taken only 2 paragraphs to discuss what should be a 5 paragraph essay. The prompt is pretty specific about the requirements for the presentation. It seems that you did not bother to understand the requirements because if you did, then you would have developed a more appropriate response. The academic background should be one complete paragraph at the start of the essay. While the professional background can be integrated into the course discussion, which should be done in a paragraph format as well. One course, one university, one discussion, per paragraph. Do that 3 times for the 3 courses and universities. Individualized discussions are required in order to allow the reviewer to fully understand what the purpose of your studies, based on each masters course, actually is. How does it apply to your future career? What career paths are you considering taking and why? You can respond to those questions in the university discussions. Which is why those sections require an expanded discussion format.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / My mission will be to create and lead dream teams in the public sector of Egypt [3]

Karim, this is not a career plan essay. You wrote a statement of purpose. This essay cannot be submitted to the Chevening committee because it will cause the rejection of your application. Don't wish to play a key role, tell us where and how you will play a key role. There is a big difference between "wishing" and "doing". You need to do instead of wish. You also need to find a better representative of the UK interests in your country supported by the UK government because British Petroleum is not UK government owned. That is a privately owned company so it does not qualify as a UK government sponsored interest in your country. I am sure that the UK government has a specific interest in the oil industry of your country, you just have to do some research in order to find out what it is and how it can relate to your masters studies. Do yourself a favor and read the other career plan essay examples in this forum. You will find a number of examples that can enlighten you as to how to write this specific essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / My previous and current leadership experience have given positive impact to progress in my career [2]

Ipung , due to our one essay per thread policy, the only review I can give you is related to the leadership and influencing essay. If you want advice on the networking essay, you have to post that as a separate thread. Right now, your leadership essay shows disconnected leadership skills and no influencing inference at all. College leadership and influencing references will only be strong and valid if you performed the skills within a task that is related directly to your chosen major. Since your academic leadership and influencing skills do not relate to your profession, it should not be in the essay because it creates a less than average presentation of your leadership and influencing style. It would be best if your develop the whole essay around your work at GTS IBM Indonesia. At least that is something that qualifies as a professional leadership and influencing reference because you are currently on the job. Prove your leadership and influencing skills within the workplace. If possible refer to a project that you were in charge of to create the reference point.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Motivation to commit my skills and knowledge to the service of others in Guatemala [3]

Paola, this is a pretty strong theoretical essay. It is powerful in its conviction and it more than discusses an overview of your development as a leader an influencer in your country. However, it lacks the proper action referencing to help solidify the implied leadership and influencing traits that you have. It is too bad that you took a shortcut in the way that you referenced your leadership and influencing skills. If you had followed up the summarized statements with one example of each skill required, then the essay would have actually represented the prompt instructions that asked you to used examples of your leadership and influencing skills in order to explain why you are an up and coming leader and influencer in your country. Right now, that is sorely missing from this essay. If you can add those parts, your essay will be better and more prompt responsive. Since this is a leadership essay, you could start editing the work by removing the "we" references because the prompt calls for the use of the "I" pronoun in relation to only your leadership and influencing skills. This is not about group achievement, this is about individual achievement as a leader and influencer.

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