Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Holt [Educational Consultant]
Name: Mary Rose
Joined: Oct 17, 2016
Last Post: 5 hrs ago
Threads: -
Posts: 14,767  
Likes: 4770

Displayed posts: 14767 / page 253 of 370
sort: Latest first   Oldest first
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / These courses will help me to move the tech-community in Pakistan a step closer towards digitization [5]

You know what? Your essay will be a lot stronger if you don't use our opening and closing paragraphs. Just let the university choices and course information speak for you. You did an excellent job of integrating your academic and professional experiences within each of the course choices you made. The presentation that you used made the opening and closing sentences redundant and not really impressive anymore. So you can remove those parts and just keep the current course outline presentation in its place. Please be conscious of the fact that redundancies are frowned upon in a Chevening essay so, since you already mentioned information from your long term career goals in your post study essay, it would be best to remove that reference in this essay. Avoid redundancies at all costs. It isn't going to help your essay to repeat information to the reviewer when you were already cautioned about that in the prompt requirements.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Major choice - to gain valuable training and obtain access to a wider range of possibilities [5]

Cao, this essay is not responding to the prompt at all. You wrote a personal statement that does not consider the questions you are being asked to respond to. The first question is "What is your chosen major?" Have you given any thought to that? It really does not sound like you have actually chosen a major yet. You are just throwing ideas in there about how you have suffered so far with regards to your education. Not exactly the best way to choose a major. You instead responded as to why you chose to go to America instead. Which, although connected, doesn't really answer the question. If you haven't chosen a major yet, then you cannot develop a proper response to "What are your educational goals?" If you have no idea what you want to study, then you cannot create an educational goal for yourself. Which means, that you also don't have a definite career goal in mind either. These are the reasons why this essay is not only confusing, but it doesn't make any sense at all to the reader. You need to take a step back, consider the questions in the proper order, then write a new response that better focuses on the questions. Take your time. Don't just write a response without thinking about it. The reviewer will know that you have no clue as to what you want to do in college and your application will most likely be rejected because of it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / To use ICT for development not only for SP projects but for any other DFID priorities in Kenya. [5]

Bilhah, this is a very impressive presentation. It is clear, it spells out how you will be helping your company upon your return, it shows how you plan to use what you learned for the betterment of your country, and finally, it depicts a usable UK government sponsored project. You covered all the bases required for this essay. However, the spacing between your being assigned to work with the DFID and your outreach project plan is too far apart. Please consider presenting them in a more fluid and interconnected manner so that you can gain the full impact of the fact that you surprisingly created a UK government sponsored connection long before you applied to become a Chevening scholar. This will certainly highlight your essay and quite possibly, gain you more consideration over the other applicants. the UK project is a pivotal decision factor in the final considerations so the fact that you have a long standing relationship with the UK sponsored project in your country, in relation to your profession, is sure to carry more weight in this instance.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / CAREER PLAN - CHEVENING - KICKSTART A FILM INDUSTRY [4]

Henri, there is a missing requirement in your essay. You mentioned the British Council here but you did not define how you will work with them in the promotion of an advocacy or project on the part of the UK government. You must be specific about that because that is one of the target points of this essay. Your essay will become stronger and more impressive if you can convince the reviewer of the importance of this collaboration, then you will have a strong chance of getting the scholarship. Your plans are sound, from the improvement of your masters program, to making your first feature film, these all show a person with a career goal that he plans in achieving. Try to make a smoother transition though, between these plans and your desire to teach the future filmmakers. It does not blend in well with the previous discussions at this point. You don't need a longer term plan to present if it will go beyond 5 years. The 5 year career plan is the standard presentation for masters courses and I think you have that pretty much covered in this essay. You can skip the "longer term" plan.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Undergraduate / The neighborhood where I grew up and which had a significal impact on me [3]

Matthew, there is too much focus on the negative side of your father in this essay. Please remember that his actions are not representative of the whole family. If you want to create a balanced essay, that focuses on the family unit rather than just the suffering you had under one person, which is not what this prompt is all about, then you must discuss how your family unit , you in particular, survived the ordeal instead. What was the final outcome? Divorce? A family that was together but split apart? Don't focus so much on the negative. Rather, discuss how this negative turned into a positive for you in the long run. It is important to show that a positive change came out of the dark days or, that you were enlightened by something more than just religion. I am not sure if you are applying to a religious college or not but in the US, it is important to create a balance between religious and social reasoning. Your essay relies too much on the religious aspect, which will work if you are applying to say, a Jesuit university, but if you are not, then you should walk that back and try to find another approach that will skip possibly offending the reviewer, just in case. Your concluding paragraph is strong. It is the middle part that requires your attention.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / My interest in capital markets, banking and finance, second master's degree - Chevening [3]

Leophil, there is something missing in each course choice that you present. There is only an implied use in the future for the course. There is no reference to either an academic background relevant to the course or a professional experience that works towards convincing the reviewer that this course has an actual application in your line of work. You may want to reconsider the presentation that you have at the start that indicates that this is your second masters degree. Try to shorten the opening somehow so that you can focus on delivering the foundational discussion of each course as required by the prompt. Right now, all you are doing is "indicating a possible" use based on your undefined skill set in relation to the job. There is no definitive use in your workplace. It appears that these courses will just increase your theoretical knowledge without any proper practical application. That is the main problem with the presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Application: Interactive Leadership, providing solutions to a problem [5]

Bilhah, the reviewer is not interested in an outline of the problems that you encountered and had to resolve. In fact, there is nothing in your essay that appears to showcase any leadership or influencing skills on your part. You were more of an analytical person in this situation than a physical leader or an inspirational figure. Nothing you presented in this essay works to prove that you have any of the required skills because of the lack of reference to the physical interaction between you and the team. I sincerely do not believe that this essay will be of use to you in this instance. You have to figure out a team situational scenario where you had to take charge of resolving an issue that affected the final outcome of the project. From there, consider how you were able to get the team to focus on working together instead of infighting in order to resolve the issue, based upon your leadership, sooner, rather than later. That will be the example of the influencing part of your essay. A quick revision of the essay should help you resolve the problem you have at the moment. The only thing that might take a bit longer, is your figuring out an appropriate work scenario to use.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / I have always thought of myself as great influencer since I was young. Chevening question [3]

MohA, focus on the statement that you made for your revision. What exactly do you mean by "leading from the front"? Offer examples of how this worked with your team. Make sure to highlight how you were able to influence the team due to your "leadership from the front". Offer solid examples of your leadership in action and what accomplishments were attained due to your influence on the team. When you speak of the influence part, make sure to give example of the troubles present that you had to help the team overcome as the leader, through inspirational talk or actions, which in turn. lifted the team towards success. Remove the reference to your child leadership in this essay and focus only on the present state of your work leadership and influencing attainments. If you can discuss experiences no older than 2 years ago, that would make for a more impressive presentation to the reviewer rather than these old disjointed references that you are making. There are no real exemplifications involved, which is why the essay doesn't really work. You just keep implying things but you never show it. Chevening is all about the "showing" part. So make sure that you do that in your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening - Career Plan - Empowering People through Business and Technology [2]

Eda, you need to remove the first two paragraphs of the essay. You need to immediately respond to the prompt because the question is about the future, not about your past or your motivations. By referencing an immediate plan of action, you allow the reviewer to see that you are serious about this application and that you have enough knowledge to make a strong case for your essay application. This appeal should also work better if you can focus on a specific British Council project, no matter how small, for the presentation. You just need to show a definite UK collaboration plan on your end at the moment. You can switch the projects when the time comes for you to actually implement it. don't leave it with a general plan because that implies that you are not capable of making important decisions under pressure. Look for a project that will work with your interests for the improvement of your country and discuss how you plan to help expand the UK project after you graduate. That will help to settle the question of how the British Council sponsored project fits into your plans.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / STUDY IN THE UK - CHEVENING - SUITABLE UNIVERSITIES AND NON-ACADEMIC LEARNING [3]

Henri, do not duplicate the Cannes information. You already used that information in the leadership and influencing essay so you cannot mention it again in this essay. The instructions say you cannot duplicate information and that is exactly what you are doing by referring to the Cannes win yet again in this essay. Replace that instead with a reference to how you learned about film making since you did not graduate with a film degree. Then explain how your professional experience has helped you prepare for these courses even though you are not a film major. Now, your university course choices are strong, but your line of reasoning is weak. You need to come up with more interesting and believable reasons as to why you would want to enroll in each course. You need to show how these courses will help enhance your future skills with an explanation of what you hope to learn and how you hope to use it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship Essay - HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT [7]

Yonas, you have some usable elements of a leadership and influencing essay in this draft. It is just getting lost in translation. You need to focus your revision on a few things before you can make this work for yourself. The first thing you have to do is explain what leadership position you have in your office at the moment. That means, you need to tell the reviewer why you are a leader at this point in time. What evidence of leadership do you have among your peers? This is where you can discuss the responsibility of packing for these people with only 7 people on your team. What examples of leadership by example can you share with the reviewer? How did your team react to this? Would you say that this started your influential effect on them as well? Why is this pack out activity so important that they could lose heart or get tired of doing it? Where does your influence fit in this scenario? If you can clarify these unclear points, the essay might turn into a somewhat usable draft, still in need to review and final editing.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Undergraduate / "Growing up across the world" - UW second essay [5]

Maya, rather than focusing in describing the family set up as you do in this essay, you should be focusing on what you learned from each of the 3 families. That way, you can accurately describe what makes you unique and attention may also be immediately called to how diversified your outlook in life is because of this upbringing. Your essay is spending too much time using vivid descriptions when you should be giving vivid explanations instead. What kind of person were you when you you were with each side of the family? How did you manage to combine all of these influences into the person that you are today? How would you describe yourself because of it? Try to think about who you are today based upon all these influences. You don't have to describe the world vividly. Instead, you should be describing how this world shaped you by explaining the influence of each world of your personality. When you do that, then you will have proven that you can truly add to the diversity at the UW campus.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / HOW I LAUNCH AND SUSTAINED AN EVER-GROWING NETWORK [4]

Ibrahim, your essay is more focused on presenting a profession disconnected leadership and influencing discussion instead of a continuous, profession related network. With only 500 words to worry work, the reviewer will need to be better informed regarding your professional network more than anything else. The most effective networking presentation is the one that seamlessly represents a college network foundation that developed our transitioned into additional professional networks when you started working in the field. A clear usability of and development of networks and networking skills becomes evident in such instances. This gives the reviewer a better idea as to how the Chevening members may be able to utilize your network as well. So focus the development of the network on just one aspect that clearly defined your profession, the foundation of your network, it's usability and your network coloration skills. You can focus the essay, The basis for it is working this version. You just have to pick which one it will be.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Networking is the essence of having partnership - essay for chevening review/input [3]

Ilham, simply joining one organization doesn't signify that a network was created. All of the references you make in reference to that are in-house networks that can only be expanded on a limited basis for external use. Chevening is more interested in the development of your exterior network because that allows for a far greater information exchange process among counties. Didn't you have a chance to join other networks through your attendance of conferences? Weren't they of use to you in the performance of your duties? Did you not notice an improvement in your work performance because of them? What you did here is leaning more on the side of network development explanations. You should instead be presenting a network in action. That it's because Chevening requires you to justify the usability of your network as part of their consideration process. The more expansive your network, the more impressive it will be. Provided the network you created is closely related to your profession.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Networking Question - Global Film Network, being a film festival programmer and filmmaker [4]

Henri, remove the reference to the British Council in this essay. Save that for the Post Study plan because it asks for a UK property project reference. That would be the more appropriate reference for the relationship you mentioned. The overall networking presentation is impressive. It shows a clear reference to your networking skills and how you developed these. Please make sure to indicate that these networks are still being maintained for future use on your end. At the moment, the essay isn't really showing an active relevance of the network with your current activities. You may need to indicate if you are still an active filmmaker at the moment to establish that. It is pivotal to your application. Towards the end, you need to satisfy the expectation that your network has a specific use to the Chevening program. In addition, you should also explain how you hope to use the current Chevening network in this field as part of efforts to promote the scholarship program.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Leadership and Influence Chevening: On Film as a universal language of progress [5]

Henricus, your essay could use more leadership and influencing information. Both the masterclasses and your participation in the Cannes film festival are notable leadership accomplishments. However, your influencing objectives and how you accomplished them need to be better represented in order to help the essay stand out more. For example, under the masterclass discussion, first establish the problem you saw with the entries, then indicate how you developed a plan to upgrade the entries using the classes. Who did you need to influence in order to get approval for your plans. How would you say your classes inspired the students to turn in improved entries? With the Cannes entry, consider how you managed to get funding for the project. Your leadership is really strong in this area of the essay so it is the influencing side you should better develop to support your leadership. Change all the "we" references to "I" because this is a personal, not group essay presentation. You have a very good start. The essay will be even better with a little more content development. N
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Letters / MOTIVATION LETTER for Behavioural Science at Radboud University [3]

Levent, you should about presenting the same information twice in the same essay. Your opening paragraph contains the same information as your second to the last paragraph. That is a redundancy that could have been used to add notable information instead. I suggest you change that paragraph instead of the opening one because your opening has a strong presentation when compared to the closing. Don't use the ranking of the university as one of the reasons for your decision. It sounds more impressive when you base the decision on the teaching staff and curriculum instead. Don't pile on top much information into this letter. Try to shorten it a bit more since this should only be an overview of the statement of purpose and personal statement. Review the essay for parts you can shorten such as the reason you chose the Netherlands because it is the university choice that is more important to represent. You don't have to say that your academic qualifications are the best. Their examination of your transcript should prove that instead. Also you don't develop that statement anyway so it doesn't really help your essay to have that I'll placed sentence there.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / My professional career plan is to become an expert in Civil engineering profession [5]

Olatoyan, you need to have a stronger and more confident voice in this essay. Your presentations are full of "I want" statements. These should be "I will" statements in order to show a believe and conviction in your future career plans. When you speak of wanting to help the future engineers, go a step further and have a possible plan of execution for a potential project.

The Post Study plan is the culmination of all the 3 previous essays that you have written. How will you, as a newly educated person, lead your country forward through your career? How will you utilize your old and new networks in the implementation of these career plans? More importantly, you need to be specific about how the FCO will be able to help you establish a plan. What does the FCO stand for in the Engineering field? What sort of project can you develop (tentatively) that can establish a working relationship on 3 fronts; you- Chevening-UK government.

Develop the essay to have a far stronger voice, more definite plans, and a 3 way cooperation channel that can prove that you truly are going to be heading home to make effective changes in your country. The elements exist in this draft, you just need to build on the proposals by turning them into possible, implementable, and sustainable plans that can strengthen the essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Undergraduate / My gap year has been crucial to a deeper understanding of my country and its culture [3]

Muskan, this is a highly enlightening essay. You have shown the proper development of your interest in the Newari language, its connection to your family, your background as a person, and why this realization is important to you. However, you should have a stronger reason that just a curiosity about the language. The question should be one that connects to the person you are today. What sparked that interest in the language? You did not really need to understand your grandmother, and you did not need the language at school. So why? Aside from the UNESCO declaration about the language, what was the pivotal question that sparked the realization that you need to learn about and speak Niwari? I read textbook responses to those questions in the essay. I want to read about the personal journey that you went on in order to come to this realization. What happened during the gap year that helped you realize the importance of learning a mother tongue when one does not speak it? How did you feel when you found out the language is dying? Have you done anything to help promote the language aside from learning the language on a personal basis? The effect of the realization is not really clear in the essay. This essay has the potential to be highly effective as a realization instrument. It just needs to be more specific about certain aspects, and less textbook in most, in order to achieve that.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 6, 2017
Scholarship / Always this leadership characteristic. Essay to Chevenig Scholarship to Brazil [3]

Caroline, I have a funny feeling that you used Google Translate to write this essay in English. My assumption comes from the formation of the sentences and word placements within which simply do not make sense to an English native speaker such as I. The reviewer will not only be confused by what you have written, but he will also see that there is no real leadership and influencing situation in the story you provided. Your second the last paragraph is the most confusing of them all. Are you writing about a college leadership experience or a professional leadership experience? I simply cannot tell. These simple observations have left me with one sad opinion about your essay. It is not the proper leadership and influencing essay for a Chevening scholarship. If you take the time to peruse this forum, as there are countless examples for this prompt at the moment, I am sure you will be able to figure something out for yourself in terms of a proper revision. If necessary, hire professional help so that your essay will enter the proper format presentation and contain the proper elements for a Chevening leadership and influencing essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Undergraduate / A personal experience, about when my dad was deployed to various places with the British Army [3]

Callum, I have to ask, is this for a college application or for a creative writing class? If you are writing it for a creative writing class, then you have more leeway with the story, based upon how you want to run with it, than if you are writing it in response to a college prompt.

As a creative writing piece, you can very well go into the direction that you want it to. Just remember that the expansive manner of story telling must come full circle at the end and end with you, not your dad, not your family. You can still tell their stories, but you need to always connect your participation in it somehow. Their challenge is your challenge. It is a shared challenge. That is because in this narrative, you are the focal character. Everyone else is still a supporting player. That is the same concept even if you are writing this for a college prompt. You must still be the ultimate focus of the college application paper. Everyone else is just playing an influential role in your life based on the challenges you faced.

If you are writing this for a college prompt then don't change the focus of the prompt. From the way that you plan to present the essay, it is going to eventually be focusing on your father and your family rather than the direct effect of these fears upon you. The challenge should be about how you overcame the fears that came with your father's constant deployment overseas and the fact that you did not have a proper "goodbye" when he first left.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / MSC in Development Studies in Cambridge and London [2]

Marzia, you don't need to list your university choices at the start of the essay. Save that for the body itself as you create a redundancy in the information by listing the university choices twice. remove all references to the university rankings as those ranking should not factor into your decision to attend a university. Only the core curriculum should matter in relevance to your career goals and academic interests. Your second choice for university course study doesn't indicate how these studies will assist you in developing your career. You may want to create a more solid reference to a career objective for this portion of the discussion. As for the third choice, you should explain why you have an interest in Marxists insights and how that is relevant to your perceived government job. The closing statement is simple enough and clear enough in representing your general reasons for study and general objectives so that can stay as is.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / I have chosen three courses at three disparate schools in the United Kingdom [3]

@pitopang the body of your essay is highly impressive and very detailed. The reviewer will find it a joy to read because you clearly connected your academic background to your current profession and the future use of this course in your career. You did this in every course that you presented. Good job! However, the essay is lacking a proper reference to an overall objective that could be presented as part of the opening statement. You need a proper introduction paragraph prior to the presentation of the courses and because your body is written so perfectly, the only thing that can further enhance it would be a general objective that applies to the reason why you feel the need to study any of these advanced courses. For the closing statement, the first two sentences don't really create a good impression at the start. If you start the paragraph by simply saying "These courses will accelerate..." I believe your concluding statement will be stronger and more relevant to the previous paragraph presentations.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Computer games are time consuming and they do not provide educational value [3]

Hi Vu, listen, you did a good enough job on this essay to score a 3, in my opinion at least. There were a number of mistakes made in the development of the essay which led to the lower end score for your essay. The first problem, is that your opening paraphrase is not exactly accurate. While you did offer a proper discussion instruction at the end, you did not clearly depict the topic for discussion. That is the main reason your score had to be lowered. A more appropriate paraphrase for your essay is:

There is a discussion as to whether computer games as a form of entertainment are a trivial use of time for children. That is why youngsters should be prevented from participating in this activity. I agree with this opinion based on several reasons.

Your opening statement was not really a proper paraphrase of the original prompt because it does not follow the template of the original discussion. In the version that I wrote for you, the theme of the original prompt remained intact up to the presentation of the personal opinion at the end.

Now, the prompt indicates that you have to discuss only one opinion for this essay. There is no option for a comparative analysis. As such, your presentation became faulty to a great extent. Even though you over discussed the opinions, you did not really develop a convincing explanation for any of them because you tried to discuss too much in one paragraph. A standard ruling for the essay response development is, do it within 5 sentences and focus on only 1 topic so that you can clearly explain yourself. That is how you increase your scoring chances in any English test. You must stick to only one discussion per paragraph. Since you have 3 body of paragraphs for the essay, you should use the paragraphs to present 3 solid and convincing evidence of your opinion. There is no need to present an opposing argument as it is not required by the prompt.

The concluding statement is too short and limits your scoring considerations. Always write at least 3 sentences for a better scoring consideration. Just restate the prompt in a new manner, summarize the details of the discussion or topic sentences, then repeat you opinion at the end. Simple, but effective in increasing your score overall.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / Strong network I get would be beneficial for my career and Indonesia coastal development [3]

Shofia, you need to stop repeating that you work for your father or family company. You have repeated that in every essay that you have developed even though the Chevening prompt instructions continuously warns you against repeating information in your essay. Please, I am begging you, for your own good, remove those references in all your essays except one. You are endangering your application by constantly reminding the reviewer that you come from a wealthy family. The impression is that you do not need this scholarship because your family is so well placed, but just do not want to pay for an education that you can obviously afford to pay for overseas. Now is not the time to keep bragging about your family's well to do position in your society. That is going to work detrimentally towards your application.

I also noticed that there is no solid reference to a UK maritime project sponsorship in your country. You really need to find such a project to refer to in this essay because without it, your application will be rejected. I have said this enough times. If the UK does not have an active project in your country that serves as a priority interest then your application will not be part of the priority considerations and will have to battle it out with some other non-essential applicants for the remaining limited slots for non priority projects. Which means, you stand a very slim chance of getting this scholarship.

This is one instance when your country's president's idea for more UK - Indonesia cooperation will not matter very much in the context of your application. It is the existing UK-Indonesia project in this field of interest to you that can win or lose you this scholarship in the final round.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals; leadership question [4]

Heba, these essays normally function best when you go direct to the point in your discussion. While others do find it beneficial to give a personal definition of leadership, that should only be done if one has a very strong sense of leadership that has developed over the span of a professional career. I don't believe that is necessary to do in your essay. You may very well open with your third paragraph and then further develop your essay from there.

What I noticed in your essay is that you dropped the terms leadership and influencing in various forms in the essay almost like a social media hashtag. That isn't how this essay works. You cannot imply leadership and influencing. You must justify it with solid situations in your workplace. For example, when you say that you took the lead on conducting "influential" regional trainings, you must give a specific instance of leadership and influencing that occurred during that activity. Justified by a successful outcome for your organization. Indicate what sorts of actions you have taken as a leader that resulted in positive outcomes in terms of combating the crimes that were ongoing at the time. What was your success percentage and indicate how that information can be verified.

Influential discussions are easy to mention, explaining how it became influential is another thing. Develop the scenario for actual presentation. The essay functions on solid examples, not lip service. Actual action must be exemplified and supported with verifiable data such as the names of places, organizations, dates, and results. You only did this once throughout what should have been an information heavy leadership and influencing essay.

It would be best if you skip the university presentation and just work on using the full 500 words on developing your professional skills in leadership and influencing. That will be the most impressive presentation that you can do in this essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Population worldwide until 2100 and its distribution between developed and developing countries [2]

Khang, you are looking at a possible high score of 4 with the type of presentation that you have given. There are a number of problems with the presentation that you used because you did not accurately represent the contents of the summary overview and the rest of the chart in the paper.

You have to be conscious of the fact that each paragraph is only considered properly informative if you have 3-5 sentences (maximum) in each presentation paragraph. Each paragraph needs to contain a specific set of data in order to be completed. In a Task 1 essay, a total of 3 paragraphs will already garner you an acceptable score provided the other criteria for scoring are met.

For the summary overview that you presented at the beginning, the missing information include:
1. A proper paraphrasing of the given prompt.
2. A representation of the discussion instructions.
3. A trending statement that will kick off the essay discussion.
4. A transition sentence (optional)

In every body paragraph, the transition sentence is not optional because you will be scored on the smoothness of your presentation and your ability to interconnect the discussion from one paragraph to the next as part of the GRA considerations. So the body paragraphs need to contain:

1. A topic sentence, usually a summary of information from the chart.
2. Supporting data from the chart.
3. A comparison whenever possible.

The biggest problem in your essay is that you do not even provide an actual comparison of data within the chart unless you are mentioning the end of the measurement scale. A properly referenced summary indicates the numerical data, as indicated within the chart. Use a ruler when necessary to guide the numerical information presentation analysis on your end. Rough estimates may be used in placed of actual data when the graph does not indicate an actual numerical figure. You cannot present just the beginning and the end. The trending information within the chart must also be represented as part of the comparison analysis.

The same discussion format should have also been used for the second chart, which you barely began to discuss in your presentation as the final paragraph. All you had to do was properly represent the growth of the developing regions against the developed regions. The developed regions showed a steady number that never increased or decreased as the years progressed. That should have been properly indicated in order for this essay to have been properly informative to its reader.

As for the conclusion, that is optional in a Task 1 essay so it doesn't matter that you don't have a concluding statement represented in this essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Studying English will give many advantages to myself and to the future of Timor-Leste. [5]

Crissia, kindly provide the IELTS prompt that you are responding to so that I can better assess the work that you have done. It is difficult to analyze your work as I have no idea what you are trying to discuss and how you should be discussing it. The proper formatting for the IELTS essay is also not being followed. The problem, is that I cannot give you an example of the proper discussion format because I don't know what you are being asked to represent in the essay. Therefore, even though I see that you have a some what well developed essay here, I am stuck when it comes to correcting your mistakes and redirecting your format towards the proper discussion style. While you do have an acceptable grasp of the English language, this does not automatically mean that you know how to properly discuss a test prompt. Kindly provide that the next time you post an essay for review here. Right now, I can see the potential in you. I just don't know how to hone it yet.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Undergraduate / U-dub supplement: Being an Ambassador since age 2 [2]

Good work Joanna, I don't see any reason why this essay will not work as a response to the prompt. You may want to clarify which Chinese language you speak though as I have heard that each province of China has a different take on the Chinese language. So do you speak Fookien Chinese, Mandarin Chinese, or what? Being specific about it will also add to the unique perspective and point of view that you are presenting. While the Chinese traditions may be standard, the languages that the Chinese language has offshoots of helps you to become even more diversified than you think. You may want to add information, rather than remove information though. For instance, when you say that you are a natural pro at the language and cultural translation, you may want to add how this blended background has created a unique understanding of the world we live in for you. Maybe explain that as you tread two worlds, you also manage to widen your understanding of the things that make each culture unique and diversified, which has led to an interesting personality development on your part. You can still add that information if you wish to. You still have the available word allotment available to do so.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / I need an MBA that has both traditional and practical approach to learning. I chose my universities. [6]

It's very good but lacking in the academic foundation reference that is required as part of the explanation of how your academic studies and professional achievements have helped to prepare you for a masters degree course. The academic foundation should be the paragraph before the course outline. The professional experience in relation to the programs chosen need to be depicted on an individualized level as well. So the format of the sentences should be:

1. Reason you chose the course.
2. Relevant academic foundation (class, internship, or other academically related experience)
3. Relevant professional experience that connects with the program.
4. Future work application.

Based on the format I gave you, this means that you have to present a general academic description first. Then you explain specialized courses that you took in relation to the masters degree you chose. The relevant work experience should be self explanatory, as well as the future job application.

You can actually remove the reference to your skills that you believe makes you a perfect MS student and instead, bring down the work experience explanation that you have opening the essay at the moment. It will be more balanced with an academic presentation first, professional experience, last presentation of paragraphs. You then have an appropriate opening and closing statement for your essay.

Overall, this is shaping up to become a pretty solid essay. A few more tweaks are required but you should be able to come up with a new, more usable version based on my instructions above.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / I have practiced different levels of leadership during the last 8 years and in different channels. [3]

Ahmed, are you sure that your 9 part time work experiences, when combined with your 14 month permanent work experience will total 2 years worth of job exposure? Simply saying 8 years varied work experience does not mean you have the total work hours required completed. You must compute those work hours in order to make sure you pass the required minimum work hours. Remember, Chevening will accept part time job references, along with relevant volunteer work, only if it adds up to a total of 2 years or 2,800 hours total of work time. Therefore, you need to make a reference to the length of time that you performed in each work capacity for the computation of your 2 years work experience to be valid. So work schedules and years you participated in these activities need to be indicated in the essay.

Now, it is not only the work time that you need to be qualified for in this essay. It also needs to have clear depictions of your leadership and influencing roles in every instance. The references to these elements are questionable in this essay as the representations are not clear. You also need to discuss each of the 9 part time jobs that you have had that exemplify the leadership and influencing skills or, at least mention the most significant one that you can think of to justify those roles during those work periods. Clarify what the job was, what your position was, then the situation that required your leadership and influencing skills to come into play. I think there is a potential to prove these points in your essay. Unfortunately, the presentation of the requirements remained unclear to the end of your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / "Leadership is an art that can be developed"; the leadership and influential skills [6]

Estephanie, this is an essay that will disqualify you from the running as a scholarship applicant. The leadership skills that you need to reflect must be on a the professional level. It must also reflect a leadership and influencing ability that took place within the last 2 years, at the very least, within a professional setting. Your experience is practical in presentation because these are examples of how you developed your leadership skills over time. These are not applicable to the workplace where you could prove that you have the ability to lead people and also, influence their actions towards a positive outcome. Why can't you refer to a professional leadership role? Is it because you do not have one to depict? If you don't then you don't have a chance at this scholarship. If you are just shy about sharing it, then don't be. It is what the scholarship committee needs to learn about you. Pick your best professional leadership and influencing ability. That is the only way to do it. Remember, you need to show that you have the potential to make a change in your country upon your return from the Chevening sponsored masters studies. The information you shared, just doesn't prove that.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Graduate / Columbia MPH in Sociomedical Sciences Personal Statement [2]

Tracy, your essay will fall under the prompt requirements much better if you remove the first two paragraphs that you currently have in this version. Those 2 paragraphs do not have a direct response in relation to the questions you are being asked to answer. Therefore, these are irrelevant information that take sup too much of the essay portion that the reviewer uses to consider your application. Since your response does not fall within the required immediate responses, in all likelihood, the reviewer will stop reading your essay before he finishes the first paragraph. Since the third paragraph and its succeeding accompaniment fully responds to the required discussion elements, you should simply open with that and keep on track with the attached paragraphs. No need to revise or edit. You just need to delete the unnecessary elements and the essay will be highly prompt responsive already. If you do want to add some information, you could focus on the career element of the response. Since you only indicate an internship here, you would be doing yourself a disservice. Try to reflect a more professional career goal instead. That is, if you want to.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / Suddenly something changed when I tried to do something new and said adieu to my comfort zone. [3]

Mukhtiar, you need to focus this essay on your leadership and influencing abilities on only 2 fronts. The first, is when you developed the android app and you had to convince a foreign investor to give you a start up capital, and then depict how you gathered the team of 5 people to work with you on the development of the project. You may not know it but, the foundation of your future leadership and influencing skills became evident during this time. More importantly, it focuses and shows a clear influencing style which is required by the essay. Second, discuss how you created Alpha Brains and what sort of leadership challenges you faced when you were starting the company. That will illustrate your leadership abilities. 2 different stories, but 2 strong stories that depict impressive leadership and influencing styles on 2 different occasions. That is exactly what Chevening is looking for.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / I'm applying for Chevening scholarship and they are asking to write Networking skills essay [3]

Hussein, this is not an essay that qualifies as a networking discussion. You are not even trying to identify how your exterior network is developed, maintained, and used. A usable professional network needs to go beyond the workplace in order to increase its usability. I do not see any indication of you going outside of the workplace in order to create business or professional contacts. You are boxed into your place of employment. Those contacts are not networks because you did not have to cultivate them. These are in place automatically for you to use in the performance of your tasks. A true network is created for a purpose because one does not exist to address the necessities of your job. Therefore, you will need to revise the full content of your essay to reflect an out of work network that actually assisted you in the performance of your tasks. Make sure that you can justify the network as being useful to Chevening due to a specific purpose otherwise your essay will be incomplete.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / 3 Choices of University Courses that Will Develop My Career. [3]

Obbie, your first course choice is the weakest presentation in this essay because it is the one that doesn't have any "meat" to its presentation. Since this is your first option for study and will be the course you will enroll in when your scholarship is approved, you need to expand the discussion in this paragraph. Remove the information about the data you got from the internet. Don't talk about the courses, Instead, discuss how the internship program will help you to improve your skills as a State Auditor in your country. That is the most important element of the course curriculum you have chosen and that is the discussion with the most applicability to the work you are doing, so focus on that instead. In order to bring down the word count of your essay, you need to shorten the introductory paragraph. Just say that graft and corruption is the main problem in your country and experts in the field of "graft and corruption elimination" are necessary in order to eradicate the problem, which is why you are interested in the 3 courses. You do not need to give such a detailed explanation in the opening paragraph. The main concern here are your university choices. Keep your closing statement. That helps to reinforce the discussions you have presented. You cannot have an essay that does not have a closing paragraph. That is not done in an academic setting.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / The use of my networking skills on a specific example from my professional development [5]

Sasha, you asked @Meyamoo if you have to revise the essay and the response was you just have to edit it. I hope you will not be cross with me but, in my expert opinion, you have to revise the whole essay. The Chevening networking essay must focus solely on your post study network development. That means, you cannot use the story about how you got an internship because that was done during your academic time. This whole essay covers a period of time when you were not building a professional network so you will automatically get eliminated from consideration for the scholarship. You mentioned towards the end that you maintain active contacts with the design community. Depict that in the revised essay, without relying on the app to prove that this is a real network. The reviewer needs real life, not virtual contact, with these community members. If you cannot represent any organization that you are a member of, if you cannot depict how this network has helped you with your career path going forward, if you cannot prove that a network exists that can enhance the Chevening network, then I can tell you instantly, you will not be considered for the scholarship. One failure to properly represent required information in the written interview will get you taken out of the consideration list. Don't let that happen.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / Chevenning Scholarship Networking Essay for Master's in Law [4]

Muhammad, the advice given to you previously is incorrect and does not apply to anything in your essay. You perfectly framed your response to the networking essay that shows how directly networked you are in terms of government agency relevance to your line of work. I speak o course of the Telecommunications Act and your participation in the realization of the law. You can safely remove your opening statement in this instance as it doesn't really reflect a usable network in the sense that your presentation of the Telecommunications Act does. Your bank stint is not developed enough to prove that this job was able to help you increase the scope of your network so you should either develop that some more or delete it. don't speak of future job opportunities. Chevening is only interested in your past experience and your here and now experience. Expand the 2 scenarios I indicated here so that the essay will become stronger in terms of networking asset presentation. Don't forget to insinuate how these networks can perform a vital function in terms of helping Chevening and its scholars expand its network. That is not represented in the closing paragraph at the moment. Since that is a requirement, you cannot skip that presentation.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / It challenge and process to discover people potentials, leadership essay [5]

Hadeer, there is no real ledersgip skill involved int his essay. There is not even a direct reference to influencing in it. What you did is not leadership work but rather Human Resources work. You accomplished the task of assessment and trouble shooting but you referred the final solution to people higher in rank than you. Therefore, you only made suggestions to resolve the issue, you did not decide on the proposed solutions and implement the needed changes, someone else did. So that is not a leadership skill on your part. Note that you had to discuss the ideas with facility managers and trade staff, they had to agree with your suggestion before it could be implemented. Therefore, you were not a leader in this instance. You were only an adviser on a "take it or leave it" scale. Hence, there is also no influencing skill to be found, even after numerous readings of this essay. No. this essay is not pertinent to the given prompt. You need to write a new one that is better at showing off how you managed a team situation and influenced a solution, without referring to a higher authority. The buck has to stop with you at all times in order to make your essay work in terms of relevance to the prompt.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 5, 2017
Scholarship / Establishing network over the years had helped me to find valuable information and resources [2]

Rabab, do not confuse the reader with your terms. You did not do a medical project, you had an interior design project for a "hospital, clinic, doctor's office..." pick one and use the term to describe the interior project. By the way, you did not clearly establish how and what kind of networks you developed since your college days. In order to prove an effective and stable network, you first need to establish that you are a member of official interior design organizations in your country. That is where the professional network actually finds its foundation, development, and growth. There is no indication in this essay that you are a professional interior designer at all. This networking presentation is too generalized in presentation and does not really provide adequate information to serve as a valid network. It is not professional sounding enough to depict a clear work related network that helped you with your undertakings. Neither does it prove of any value to Chevening to be considered as an additional asset to their already admirable network of international connections. You need to revise the content based on my observations above in order to make this a workable version.

Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳