Undergraduate / Why Tufts? Essay-- The attitude; I take work seriously, always doing my best in everything [2]

Cassie, don't use the words of encouragement or the reasons why another person would opt to attend Tufts. As much as possible develop your own original idea as to why you wish to attend. If it is the Tufts attitude that drew you to the university, then build your response around that idea. What specific attitude applies to you? If I were you, rather, my suggestion, is that you just keep the part about "Tufts outstanding academics" and its succeeding sentences as your response to the questions. It is solid enough to offer personal choices / facts about your decision to attend Tufts. It is original and does not rely on the sentiment of others for validity in response and relevance to the prompt.

Undergraduate / My parents are immigrants from India who grew up in relatively poor conditions - "world I come from" [2]

Arnav, you only 250 words to work with. So don't try to present too much information which cannot be properly developed for your benefit in the essay. Since majority of the data you have presented relate to the world that you and your parents belong to, the world that you share, then you should concentrate on that alone. Mentioning your high school like a mere after thought in a single sentence does not properly develop this secondary world enough to accurately portray its influence upon you. Specially since you seem to suddenly jump from a discussion about your parents then your school then back back to your parents. Just focus on your parents story so that the information that you present becomes clear and fully developed for the reader.

Scholarship / I believe that leadership is losing its true meaning lately - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE ESSAY [4]

Alexis, speak from the professional point of view and based upon your professional, personal experience. This is where the strength of your essay lies. The discussion about your definition of leadership, that is acceptable provided that you do not launch into examples based on starter leadership roles in high school and college (not collage). This essay is already good and can portray your leadership and influencing abilities to the reviewer with a definite sense of purpose and hopes for the future. You just need to edit out the unnecessary aspects of the essay.

What are these unnecessary aspects? In my opinion it would be the paragraphs that relate to your school activities. The leadership roles that you portray there are too infantile in nature to have truly developed a remarkable leadership ability or influencing skill that could work to the benefit of all concerned. So which are the necessary or usable parts of your essay?

Develop the professional experience that you related in the essay instead. Mention the year and the meaning of TIC just in case the reviewer doesn't know what the acronym stand for. That whole paragraph can be better developed with additional information that can show the reason behind your sense of lack of leadership in the community and how the community benefited eventually from all the work that you did to help them increase their technological literacy. That is how you improve and strengthen the statement you are making regarding leadership and influencing in this essay.

Undergraduate / Why Rice? Intellectual atmosphere and traditions eg. celebrations revolving around Willy's statue. [9]

Ana, since there is no clear connection between your parents and your interest in Rice University, there is no real meaning behind mentioning them. All parents wish that their children would go to college so that is not even something important to mention in this essay. The reason you are applying is because your parents want you to go to college. There is no real motivation behind that paragraph so you should develop another one, a more related one in its place.

Now, when you speak of motivation to attend the university, it doesn't really come across as impressive when you tell the reviewer that you decided to apply to the university based upon an internet search. That is not only impersonal, but is tantamount to saying, "I liked your student brochure so I decided to apply." There is a lack of personal connection between your interest in the university and the university offerings itself.

Use the part that has you speaking about the "intellectual elite" at the university. That could be basis of your highly simple, yet informative short statement response to the essay. Admiration for the university is key in such responses and the programs that impress you, can more than show a motivation for you to decide to enroll at Rice.

Scholarship / Do not afraid to fall because this is the beginning of the road to success - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE [4]

No, no no. You cannot tell the reviewer that everyone who works at this company is a leader. You may believe that but you cannot tell the reviewer that. The reason you cannot make that claim is plain and simple. The prompt is asking you to tell the members of Chevening what makes you stand out as a leader and why you believe you have better influencing skills than those around you. To say that you are all equals means you are just one among the many. So why should the scholarship committee seriously consider your application then? What good will your masters degree bring you, your company, or the scholarship if there are leaders just as skilled as you in the company? Revise the opening statement and make it stronger. Make yourself an enviable leader in the company, not just one of those.

Also, you do not need to give an introduction of your company. That is something that should be blended into the leadership roles that you have performed there. Look at the examples of successful leadership and influencing essays here so that you can get a better idea as to how to start the draft of your essay. You need a clear template to follow and the finished work of the students here can help you create one for yourself.

Undergraduate / What peculiarity or unique distinctives do you possess that will allow you to contribute to UF [4]

Hi Joseph. Thanks for understanding what I was trying to tell you. I know that there are times when you want to develop a unique sounding essay so you try to write it using a more literary style. The problem with that style of writing, is that one tends to get too involved in his own thoughts. Thus making the information relayed too difficult to decipher for the reviewer. Now, I am not saying that you should shy away from literary type essays in your applications. What I am saying is that you should save it for those prompts that are more open topic in approach. In instances where specifics are demanded, be as straightforward as possible because the reviewer doesn't have the time to go into analytical mode just to figure out what you are trying to tell him in relation to the prompt. I'm looking forward reading your revised essay soon.

Letters / MOTIVATION LETTER, APPLICATION FOR THE BACHELOR OF BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION AT KU Leuven Belgium [2]

Daniel, due to the fact that you have opted to discuss information such as your personal life in this essay, the essay did not accurately manage to portray the requirements of a motivation letter. You must remove the personal life information and save that information for a different common app prompt.

The motivation behind your interest in business administration is solely based upon experience and exposure to the field. While I am not saying that is bad, it does lack a personal connection to you. It seems that your motivation is mostly academic in nature and that you lack the heart of a business administrator. The heart of the business administrator on your part should have come from the exposure that you got from your sister and what you learned from her. Instead, that was a mere blip in the overall essay. It is sad that the portion that could have given the motivation more meaning was not well developed.

Finally, I would like to suggest that, in order to create a more current motivation for yourself by indicating your future plans in relation to the field. This will create an idea that you have actually given thought to your course of choice, the difficulties that will come from attaining it, and finally, the realization of your dream. These should all help to solidify your motivation from your past, present, and future in the field.

Scholarship / Application essay for United World College (2017-19) [4]

Sabrina,in my opinion, you need to revise the content of the second paragraph. While I read the information and I recognize it's importance to you, it doesn't really reflect the necessary requirement of the essay. I believe that the word count could be reduced if you revise the paragraph to make it reflect a discussion of UWC's mission and values in relation to you as a person. I do not see that information in the overall sense of the current essay. So, since there is a missing element, you should pay attention to adding that element to the essay. This can successfully be done by removing the non-essential portion as I pointed out.

I can understand that you probably got excited when writing the essay so you forgot to refer to the requirements of the prompt. You need to make sure that the prompt elements are always responded to. Normally, an essay word count is guided by the prompt. If you provide the information required, you don't normally go over the word count. Or if you do, it isn't by 100 words. Try to do the revision I am suggesting. I believe it will work in your favor.

Scholarship / I selected the three university courses; Chevening - "Studying in the UK" Question [6]

Eng, the essay prompts are pretty clear and self explanatory. I am not sure how I can help you with the required elements because I do not know anything about your information when it comes to its relation to the required prompts. I can only suggest that you look at the other fully developed essay responses to these prompts that can be found in this forum. Try to follow their examples and the advice that has been given there regarding essay development. Then write your own version and post it here. I can help you work on the essays from that point. I can't help you much if you haven't even drafted the essay responses yet. I'll be able to assist you better once I have something solid to work on from your end.

Letters / UNIPDU FT C - this is a latter to Achmad Fatchur Roziq [3]

Rizky, you need to work n the sentence structure. The thought process is clear, but you have a problem with gramma development. Let me show you an example of how this letter can be better written:

Hi Roziq,

How are you doing? I hope all is well with you. It's been so long since we last saw each other that I miss you so much already. Do you miss me? If you ever go on vacation, please consider coming to visit me here in Jogia. I am sure you will enjoy visiting here because my city is unique. We can visit places like the Borobudur temple, Parang Tritis beach, and Majiolobor. I hope you can visit soon. Could you possibly visit me a couple of weeks?

Your friend,

PS - Don't forget to bring your camera when you come to visit.

Scholarship / How my goals relate to the UK-Turkey relationship? Career Plan - Chevening Scholarship [4]

Ezgi, why don't you look into the trade agreements or export / import contracts that exist within the business community of Turkey and the UK? You may need to look for contacts within the business clubs or business owners in order to learn more about this connection. Believe me, there is a trade connection between the two. In this era of globalization, almost all countries have trade deals with their neighboring countries. You just need to take the time to research the information. You should do the legwork regarding that information before you proceed with writing your response to the prompt. Without it, your response will be considered, weak and lacking in data. This could in turn, weaken your application chances.

In case the information that you turn up doesn't truly relate to your chosen masters course, then a real problem exists. In which case, you should turn to your network of friends and professionals to help you find even the most minute or smallest relationship between the two. This is one instance when you need the help of someone familiar with international business from your network.

Scholarship / Growing up abroad helped me build a good network. Networking skills essay for Chevening [4]

Aysha, there is no problem with the length of your essay. It is really informative and shows that you already have an existing network that can help not only you, but the others who need your help as well. That is the target objective of a typical Chevening scholar. So you really did well in that aspect. However, there is a still a problem with your presentation. When you offer information this specific to your networking skills, you need to mention the name of the doctor and the hospital he is attached do for the purpose of fact checking. Keep in mind that any and all information you provide in your essay needs to be accurate and truthful. So you actually need to mention the specifics in this instance. Don't worry though, the mention of the information will serve to strengthen the essay. Just make sure that the doctor knows you are mentioning him as a reference in your essay. Just in case the reviewer wants to double check your credentials.

If you are uncomfortable giving that information in your essay, or if you do not have permission to do so, then you still have time to change the content of your essay. The final choice regarding content is all yours.

Scholarship / I've chosen the Intercultural Communication for Business course since I believe that it fits for me [6]

Ezgi, please look at the examples of the other essays related to the studying in the UK prompt as examples of how to write your own. You were unable to provide the necessary information for this essay. This is not a simple overview essay. You need to present specific information to present to the reviewer which proves that you have given considerable thought to where you want to study and why.

For this particular essay, you will need to do some research regarding the universities that offer masters course within your line of interest / expertise. Choose the top 3 universities and then discuss these schools and masters courses in individual paragraphs. Make sure you can connect these discussions to your previous training, which you can obviously do based upon the information you mentioned above, your present or work related experience, and then your future plans for your studies.

The most important part of this essay will be the way that you create the idea that you will be able to excel in any of the course choices that you end up taking. You can never be sure which university will accept your application so you should try to convince the reviewer that you will excel, regardless of which university you attend and masters degree you end up taking.

Undergraduate / Being involved in a car accident. Common Application, Personal Statement Essay [2]

Grace, the essay definitely shows a perfect example of a transition to adulthood. Your dad's reaction is classic! However, you have a part in the essay that doesn't really need to be there. You don't need to go step by step regarding what you did at the scene of the accident. Just mention it in an overview so that the paragraph does not run too long. Right now, that paragraph is the longest in the essay and it can cause reader fatigue. Just keep it short. The reviewer knows the accident reporting process. You don't have to lecture him about it.

Now, about you feeling relieved at not having to be the adult in the room anymore when your dad arrived. I don't suggest you tell the reviewer that. I mean, the essay is supposed to be a celebration of adulthood, regardless of the circumstances. That part of the essay makes you sound like you don't appreciate being considered a responsible adult. Maybe some rewording is due to make it sound less like you didn't want to take responsibility for what happened.

Letters / Unipdu FT C send message Satriyo Utomo to Hendrik Prasetyo [2]

Hi Hendrik,

Kindly refer to the improvements I made to your letter:

I hope you are doing well Hendrik. In case you are wondering, I am doing well also. I have already moved to Surabaya and I am now studying at UNESA. I live near my college in a boarding house along with my friend who is also from Jomband. I chose to study ate UNESA because I am into sports. I am only 19 years old and I wish to live independently in the future. After I graduate from the university, I plan to be a real man and be ready to work. I hope that you will have time to play with me soon. It would be a nice way of getting to know you. I would like to get to know as much as I can about you. My regards to your family and friends. I hope you can write to me soon.

Scholarship / "Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself"; my favourite proverb and Chevening [7]

Well Ezgi, I certainly think that you should keep the part about the footprint training. It shows that you understand that in order to become a leader, you have to undergo relevant training for knowledge sharing with your team. That is certainly the mark of an effective and efficient leader. It is a trait that yo were right to highlight in this essay. However, you need to remove the part that talks about the cost of training. A true leader does not look at that cost (even though we know that is not the truth) because nobody can put a price on the skills training of individuals in relation to a more efficient performance of their work related tasks. Be sure to highlight the transfer of knowledge that you had with your subordinates who were not able to attend the seminar.

Scholarship / Gemi, nastiti, ngati-ati is Javanese philosophy my mother has always said to me CHEVENING Leadership [4]

Rani, I would advice you not to include the elementary parade that you participated in. This is a professional scholarship you are applying for. As such, you are expected to have more in-depth leadership skills than something that happened all the way back when you were a little girl. Instead, highlight your professional life some more.

The only problem that I think you will have with portraying your leadership role as a vice principal is that not everyone will be familiar with the leadership definitions that you have outlined. Would it be possible for you to offer an overview explanation of what these are for the benefit of the reviewer? Then explain the difficulties regarding your changing your curriculum and collection of funds.

When you speak of your leadership skills, focus solely on your job as a vice principal. That is the most notable and impressive line of leadership and influencing that you have to present. Don't wast the word count with the trivial discussions that came before it. Improve on that presentation because that is where your true leadership abilities can be properly highlighted.

Scholarship / "Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself"; my favourite proverb and Chevening [7]

Wow! You really got talkative in the essay. That is a good thing. I always say, it is better to edit for content and word count than to leave out something important that you want to say. Here is my take on how you can lower the word count. I hope it helps.

Choose between keeping the quote and deleting the 2nd paragraph line or keeping the paragraph line and deleting the quote. Removing just the quote brings you down to 605 words. Removing both the quote and the paragraph after it results in 583 words in total. In my opinion, both are not really necessary because the most important voice in this essay is your own and that does not come in until the 3rd paragraph. So why not start with your voice immediately?

Now, pay attention to the current 4th paragraph that talks about the graduation ball. That ball is a very minor event in your leadership life and does not really have the ability to make an impression on the reviewer. Deleting those lines, including the minor participation in EVS means the essay comes down to 489 words. You suddenly fall under the word requirement with some word count left to further improve the essay if you wish to. You can also revise the content of the 4th paragraph if you want to keep the EVS information. You should still fall under the word count if you do that.

I think those are the best parts of the essay to position the cuts to meet the word count. It should also help you to consider which parts of the essay you may want to develop further.

Graduate / Law school SOP - Everyone has a story behind a dream, and my dream starts with a shredding machine. [2]

Julia, this is not a statement of purpose. This is a backgrounder story essay. So make sure to save this essay for use with that prompt should you be required to do so. The response your provided was almost literary in feel and content. It was highly imaginative and really offered an idea as to the confusion, which translated into determination, that you felt at the time. However, when you write a statement of purpose, you have to deliver exactly that. The purpose for your interest in becoming a lawyer.

No, the reviewer will not accept the reason that you want to be a lawyer just because. That is tantamount to a child having a temper tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. You need to provide a sense of personal connection between the course and your reasons for feeling that you were born to be a lawyer.

Your current essay is biographical in nature and yet, it doesn't provide an adequate reason to the question "Why do you want to become lawyer?" What is the purpose? Do you want to defend those who cannot afford legal representation? Do you wish to bring criminals to justice? Do you plan on a political career in the future? What is the reason? You can't be vague, you need to be clear about it and make sure that the reviewer understands your reasons as well.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is that you need to do some soul searching right now. Find that reason behind your desire to become a lawyer. Was it the influence of someone? Your admiration of someone? What are the factors behind your mysterious desire to become a lawyer?

Undergraduate / YALE UNIVERSITY - Should I apply? [2]

Rafael, you might just be one of the lucky few to gain admission to Yale from your country. Considering that during the 2014-2015 admission cycle, the university accepted 6 Filipinos for regular admission and awarded one scholarship to the same nationality, I would say that you have a pretty good chance at admission.

Based upon your Cornell application, I believe that you can secure the necessary teacher's recommendations and career counselor recommendation to help the admissions committee consider your application. Indeed, legacy applicants practically have their slots assured from birth. That doesn't make them a better student than you.

If I were your college counselor, I would encourage your application based upon the merits of your student record. You have a competitive list of credentials. If what you are saying about your grade status is true, and you can do well in the SAT's by delivering the Yale required score, then you should feel confident that your application will get the attention and consideration it deserves in comparison with the other applicants. Do your best to deliver on the Yale specific requirements and then wait and see regarding what comes next for you in your quest for Yale admission.

My opinion is that you should go for it. Don't turn this into a "what if" scenario for you. Go ahead and find out the answer to the question. The answer just might surprise you.

Undergraduate / What peculiarity or unique distinctives do you possess that will allow you to contribute to UF [4]

Hey Joseph, I don't believe that you actually presented a quality or character that properly addresses the prompt. I am not sure how running can help you contribute to the UF community, which is the purpose of this essay. The reviewer would prefer to read something about your abilities in terms of your social or civic interests. How do you plan to contribute to the betterment of the student community or academic campus? Your response could range anywhere from simply helping out at the student center or creating a study group for a specific set of students. In such instances, the character trait that you will present will be your helpfulness and ability to work with people for the betterment of UF.

Right now, your essay is more of a background story or open topic essay. It isn't offering your character based upon working with others or your ideas for making UF an even more inclusive university in terms of their social and academic programs. Talk about something that other people notice about you but you don't really notice about yourself. Explain how that is a character of yours that can help you contribute to UF. the possible responses to this prompt are endless. It is all based upon how you perceive yourself in terms of being a team player on campus.

Undergraduate / Penn allows me to focus on my academic interest in a profound manner. [4]

Again, the first paragraph is really unnecessary. Why do you insist on presenting that historical fact that does not have any relation to the prompt? Do you know what will happen when the reviewer reads that paragraph? He is going to wonder why you are giving him a lesson in the history of India when you are being asked about your academic interests. At that point, he may decide that you did not understand the prompt and stop reading your essay. He will then move on to the next one and your essay will not be read. Which means your acceptance will be in danger of rejection. Just go direct to the point and respond to the prompt using the second paragraph. That is the most relevant and most responsive to the prompt requirements. Stop presenting information that is not required nor necessary. You need to prove that you have the ability to understand and respond properly to directions. Your current opening paragraph proves the opposite of that, which is negative. The same comments apply to your 3rd paragraph. These sentences do not help to move your essay forward in the way the prompt requires so remove them. Only the comment about the Bloomberg terminal and Penn GPA and its accompanying discussion should remain. Then your response will finally be prompt responsive. Keep this statement short and relevant. Deliver only the requirements.

Scholarship / Staving off a strike of hospital's employees - Essay for Chevening leadership and influence question [5]

Yousif, your essay is quite confusing to read. How many months were the employees, including you, not paid? Was there a workers union at the pharmacy? Were you a member of the union? What was your leadership role in the strike? Did you or did you not join the strike? Was the strike something protested internally or was there a picket line in front of the office?

Seriously, there is no clear beginning or end to the scenario you provided because there is no proper development of the content. Before you talk about the strike, tell us about the office, your position, and what your role of leadership was. We need to know why these employees might look up to you for guidance (leadership) and how you could manage to influence them (if possible) into doing the right thing.

You need to provide a clearer example of how you led the group. How did you effectively act as the bridge between management and rank and file employees? What was the final outcome of the strike? Did your leadership and influence have anything to do with it?

While you have an excellent example of leadership and influencing to speak of in this essay, what is lacking is a cohesive presentation of the facts. You have time to revise the essay to better portray your role in the strike. Take advantage of it and make sure that you come across as an exemplary leader during this troublesome time at your office.

Undergraduate / Three Ways People Close to You Describe You - DeMatha [2]

Hey David, it is really important that you revise the content of your essay because it does not deliver the requirements of the prompt. The prompt instruction does not ask you to describe yourself. It asks you to describe yourself through the eyes of 3 people who know you well. So this should be written from the third person point of view.

For the essay itself, you can choose your mom, dad, and a sibling, or anyone else whom you spend time with to describe how they see or know you. Take notes and then write it down in essay form. Remember, this essay cannot use the word I or Me. Use third person throughout. Disengage from the essay and write it as if you are being told about this person instead of you actually knowing the person.

Scholarship / Do not afraid to fall because this is the beginning of the road to success - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE [4]

Sabry, when discussing a leadership and influencing essay that is specific to your company, you must make sure to provide a background paragraph regarding the company and your position within it, and what your job description is. At the moment, your essay seems to start at the middle instead of at the start. You don't really need to tell the reviewer what your definition of leadership is, it is more appreciated when you can show the reviewer how you embody leadership instead.

Now, the essay clearly represents your leadership and influencing abilities. However, there is an uncertainty regarding why you felt compelled to do these actions. While the outcome is impressive, there is a confusion as to why you felt the need to change the system. So you have to indicate what the problems were that you felt needed to be addressed by taking this action.

Aside from those little problems with the paper, the information you presented really makes your case with the reviewer.

Scholarship / Over the years I have seen how one door leads to another. Networking Skills / Chevening Scholarship [2]

For some reason, this reason just works to your benefit. It clearly shows off your networking style. More importantly, it shows how you manage to build, retain, grow, and use the network at the most opportune times. Excellent work. However, you need to mention the company that you are currently working for at the beginning of the essay. Keep in mind that your information cannot be weakened by the lack of data related to the validity of your claims. These days, all claims made in essays are double checked for validity so make sure that you supply all of the proper and important information that can help your essay gain a sense of authenticity.

The last paragraph should be reworded so that it doesn't come across as too arrogant. At the moment, you sound very boastful regarding your contacts and that may not sit well with the reviewer. Try to rephrase the paragraph in a more humble manner so that it will seem like you are more than willing to share your contacts with those who need it. That gives a civic minded sense to the essay and continues to show that you are always growing your network of friends and contacts for potential use.

Undergraduate / I disappointed myself and my coach; MIT Admissions Essay on Overcoming a Challenge [2]

Hey Arnav, you really did very good work on this essay. You showed more than just how you overcame a challenge, but you also provided a lesson in perseverance and learning from failure. The problem that I can see with this essay, is that there is a lack of background development and analysis from the multiple failures on your part. Since this is a 250 word essay, I believe you can do this.

don't just say you were at a track meet, take the reader in. Where was this track meet, what event were you participating in, and why was this victory important to you. These are the necessary information for the first paragraph of your essay. Then, move on to the second paragraph, you failed to make the jump. What was your mindset? How did you shake it off in order to prepare for the next jump? Third paragraph, same information, 4th paragraph, same information. Then the concluding paragraph related to the lessons that you learned and how you can apply these to your college life. Don't think about the word count. Just write, you can always edit for content.

Scholarship / Networking Skills is vital for success - Chevening [5]

Haitem, you can use this essay for the leadership question but you definitely cannot use it for the networking essay. The networking essay should contain information that shows how you have the ability to work with a team. It needs to prove that you know how to approach people in order to get work done either for your benefit or the benefit of others. It should show your civic side if possible. Think of the networking essay as the method by which you can be judged for your ability to make steadfast professional friends who can help you move your career forward once you have completed your masters degree.

For example, you can explain how your hometown did not have a football team and the town wanted one. They formed a committee to establish the team. You joined the group and was tasked with getting uniforms for the team. Who were the people you approached in order to get started? First you had to get the team uniform design by whom? How did you convince him to approve the design? Then, you had to get funding to pay for the uniforms, how did you do that? Finally, how did you find someone to sew the uniforms? That is a simple example of how you create a network.

Undergraduate / 'An engineer like my father' - UIUC Electrical Engineering Major Choice Essay [5]

Hi Neehar, in response to your question, the answer is yes. I do believe that you have very good content in this essay that can help your application. The only problem that I can see with it at the moment, is the question of the introduction which, like I said, opened on a negative note. The rest of the essay is really positive and shows how much you admire and wish to emulate your father.

If there an area for improvement, I would say it would be your future career goals. You should only mention the car breathalyzer in summary in relation to the technology already being developed. That is, if you have to. You can always switch your response to that statement to something so far outlandish, it seems like it would be an impossible feat but to you, it is just a matter of learning how to connect the correct wires to the proper terminals. You need to close with the idea that you actually have an ambitious project that you just might pursue to the point of realization while you are a student at the university.

Undergraduate / Losing a parent - a tragic impulse to transition from childhood to adulthood - common app prompt [3]

HI NIlufar, your approach the prompt is unique in a certain way. You have managed to turn an overview of your life story after the death of your father into an analysis of your quest for maturity. That certainly makes the essay interesting to read. However, there is too much overview and general discussion in the essay for it to merit the trust sense of an event that helped you transition to adulthood. We need at least one solid evidence of this mindset coming from you that does not involve inferred references to maturity. The latter part of your essay does not even apply to the prompt requirements anymore.

It seems that you used the essay to free yourself from your emotional burden of having lost your father, rather than actually showing the reviewer that the event had a direct impact upon your life that told those around you that you are now an adult. The most important part of this essay prompt is the direct acknowledgement of those around you that you have actually done something or accomplished something that, in their minds or by the tradition and culture of your family, indicates that you are now an adult of equal standing and responsibility within your community or family circle. I see very little evidence of that acknowledgement in this essay.

Scholarship / Networking Skills is vital for success - Chevening [5]

Haitem, the essay that you wrote is more relevant towards the Chevening Leadership and Influencing essay rather than this networking essay. There is no reference to a professional network which should represent the connections that you have made during your professional career that can help you further advance your role in your chosen field. At this point, I can't even advise you to revise the essay because a revision would only be possible if the essay somehow met the prompt requirements. This essay doesn't meet any aspect of the requirements. Therefore, your only option is to write a totally new essay. This time keeping the essay prompt in mind and consciously making the effort to present the expected networking skills to the reviewer. It is possible that you just got your essays mixed up and you have the correct essay for this prompt somewhere on file. Try to find it and have us review that one. I am looking forward to reading the correct essay very soon.

Scholarship / Why Study in UK? To provide precise skills and education to achieve my future goals. [3]

Haitem, open with the statement that explains why you wish to study in the UK. Prove to the reviewer that you have given enough thought to your decision to study in the UK when you could study in your country anyway. The current introduction, though good, does not have any important factor to really present in relation to your decision to seek higher education in the UK.

Now, as far as your school choices are concerned, I believe that there is a shortage of information in it. Do your current course choices have any relation to your previous academic or professional experience? The essay clearly states that you need to create that connection in order to show that you have a solid educational foundation in the field which can help you better perform in school.

Next, while you clearly represent the technical aspects related to your decision to choose these 3 specific schools, you still need to present a more personal reason for these choices. A good way to this is by presenting information as to how you plan to use your education at one of these schools in order to move your career forward in the future.

So, the essay is moderately impressive at this point. It should be more impressive once you complete the addition of the missing information. It is already clear that you are determined to attend masters classes, it is just a question of convincing the reviewer that you are capable of choosing the right school for your interests, skills, and future plans.

Scholarship / Networking, whether formal or informal style, needs to establish cognition... [15]

Hey Phoowadon ! Don't worry about it. I am actually honored that you thought my words good enough to include in your essay. You are always welcome to use any of the statements I make in the improvement of your paper if you feel it can be of help. You don't even need to tell me about it. I'm happy to help you in any way I can. So, I've analyzed the essay yet again, hoping to finalize the content for you. Guess what? We are officially done with the content edits of this essay. The message is clear, the intention is well represented, and the prompt is completely discussed. No other work to be done. This is as ready as it can be, Congratulations on completing the essay!

Scholarship / Chevening. I have selected a Master and Business Administration in order to continued my career plan [7]

Katary, have you chosen any universities to attend for your chosen masters degree yet? I don't understand why I do not see any reference to the university and the masters courses that you look forward to attending there. Is there a possibility that you misunderstood the prompt? You seem to have written a personal statement that deviates from the current prompt requirements.

Kindly review the essay prompt again. You were supposed to choose 3 universities in the UK that you are keen on attending. You have to explain the reasons why you want to attend those universities and how the courses you have chosen at each will help you advance your career. What I am reading here right now are reasons why you want to attend graduate school. That is the exact opposite of the prompt requirement.

You will need to write a totally new essay after you have done some research on the UK schools and you narrow down your choices to your top 3. You cannot submit this essay with this prompt. The reviewer will immediately see that you did not understand the prompt requirements and you are unable to follow directions, immediately ending your quest to receive the scholarship.

Undergraduate / 'An engineer like my father' - UIUC Electrical Engineering Major Choice Essay [5]

Neehar, I would not open the essay on a negative note. You can't open your essay by saying that you did not want to emulate your father. It is something that comes across as a negative because usually, children look up to their parents as role models. When asked as a child, normally the answer would be "like my dad / mom'. In your case, it appears to be the opposite. I know that you think this will help your essay get noticed, but sometimes, using reverse psychology doesn't help your case.

Instead, why don't you immediately talk about how you learned about how smartphones work because your father manufactures the chips it uses? You don't have to go all the way back to childhood to reveal how the interest in your chosen major occurred. It can actually be something in the not so distant or immediate past. So picking up from the STEM point of your discussion would be applicable in this instance. If you think that your middle school experience really helped you develop an interest in electrical engineering, then go ahead and open the essay from that point. Just don't open it on the negative note that it opens with now.

I know, you will say that you ended your first paragraph on a positive note about your dad. But that is not the first impression that you will give the reviewer. So you run the risk of your statement being remembered for the negative rather than the positive.

Scholarship / Networking, whether formal or informal style, needs to establish cognition... [15]

As the instruction dictates, you need to outline your plans as to how you will use Chevening in relation to your masters degree in the future. The reason that I told you it was irrelevant is because, in its current form, it really is not very useful to your essay. You need to learn how to develop a paragraph that can truly represent the final requirement of the essay.

You need to add more information to that paragraph. Make it longer by writing a more detailed description of how you will connect the work you will do back home, with your role as an alumna of the Chevening Scholarship program. You need to create a clear relationship between your studies, your work back home, and how you will manage to continue to promote the objectives of the scholarship within your workplace and community.

Scholarship / "Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself"; my favourite proverb and Chevening [7]

Hi Ezgi, welcome to the forum. As newbie, I guess you are not familiar with the rules yet. We actually have an essay ruling of one essay per thread. So you should really have posted just one essay here. If the admin sees the multiple essays, they will delete the other essays and keep only the first one. So, if I were you, I would either edit this thread for content and leave only one essay, or be prepared to post your other essays in individual threads after the admin deletes the multiple essays in this post.

Since I am here anyway, I'll go ahead and give a review of your first essay, which is about leadership. I can only give you advice on one essay as per the forum rules. Sorry about that. Better one advice than none at all right?

If you wish to use the quote in a more effective manner, use it as the opening statement of your essay. Do not give a personal definition of leadership before launching into the quote. Quotes are usually used as the hook to gain the attention of the reviewer. In this case, it loses its impact because of the position it has in the essay. Lose the opening statement and use the quote to open your discussion instead. That catches the eye more.

While I understand that you would like to present the idea that you are an excellent leader by simply glossing over your leadership experience and making it seem so easy, it was almost natural for you, the reality is that leadership is not an easy role to take on, specially if you have to influence people around you. Is there any chance that you underwent some sort of pressure filled situation in any of the leadership roles that you related? It would really help solidify your leadership ad influencing abilities if you could show the reviewer how you perform under pressure and how you influence people towards your side when things are not going according to your plan. It tells the reviewer that you are a mature individual who is ready to deal with the rigorous demands of masters degree school combined with the demands of a scholarship program.

Scholarship / Leadership, Inspiration to My Team - Universities to Study in UK- Chevening [5]

I'll look forward to reading the other two essays. From what I can tell, our forum admin deleted the other two essays from this original thread because each thread should only have one essay posted at a time. So you need to post 2 new threads, one each for your remaining essays. I will gladly review those once you have them posted.

In the meantime, let me give you an overview of the criteria that you need in order to properly write those essays. For the networking answer, make sure that the information you deliver clearly cites an example of how you develop your network. Make sure that it is a strong example and not just a series of overviews in relation to the final outcome of the networking action. For the university essay, make sure you are direct to the point and you have each university represented with a concentration on the reason why you chose the university, the programs you look forward to participating in, and its relation to your previous academic and professional experience. It should be one paragraph per university. I'll await the posting of your other 2 essays (in separate threads).

Scholarship / Networking, whether formal or informal style, needs to establish cognition... [15]

The first paragraph is superfluous and can be deleted. The second paragraph, runs too long. Remember that when a paragraph gets too long, it becomes taxing for the reader. Please review the paragraph and divide it into subsections, by creating new paragraphs whenever possible. That is easy to do. Just remember the basic rule of paragraphing, one topic -- one paragraph. Therefore, your current paragraph can be divided into at least 3 or 4 paragraphs. This will create a more relaxed reading atmosphere and allow the reader to better understand the information being presented. The last paragraph is also not necessary in this case so you can delete that as well. A direct to the point answer is always highly appreciated by the reviewer. If you present your information immediately, your essay will be better received by the reviewer.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

You excellently developed your networking skill and style in this particular paragraph. You did good work and should include this in the essay. You already know where to position it in the essay. I mentioned it to you in my previous post. Now, what you have to do is review the total essay with a critical eye. Make sure that you have presented the best networking skills that you have. Try to find any irrelevant sections and remove them. Replacing these with better information whenever possible. Your essay has entered the final editing phase. There will be little revisions required to the content (if any) at this point. So if you feel like the essay is ready to use, then go ahead and submit this already. If you want me to do a final read through for you to be sure, then just post the full essay here and I'll take care of the rest.