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Posts by Holt [Educational Consultant]
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Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Scholarship / Description of My Job Experience for Chevening Scholarship [4]

Shofia, your work experience is impressively varied. The short descriptions that you provided for your work responsibilities are informative and shows that you are capable of working in various capacities regardless of the situation or job description. I am just worried though that because of these varied experiences, your application might be questioned. In most instances, applicants for scholarship grants only focus their employment listing on those related to the masters degree that they are applying for and whatever their current position of employment is. That is to avoid confusion on the part of the reviewer who might find it hard to keep track of your relevant work experience in your list. I suggest that you adjust your list accordingly, skipping the presentation of non-related work opportunities that you had. That way the reviewer can find it easier to compare you work experiences. Unless of course, the removal of those other work experiences will make you fall below the work hours requirement. In which case, don't remove the other work experiences that you have had.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / What does it mean to be an "Aussie?" [3]

Yet again a highly entertaining piece of writing from you. This is fun to read and it does take the reader on the journey of what it means to be an Aussie. However, I find that there are some points in the presentation where additional information is required before the information that you present. For example, when you said that most of the Aussies are mostly born overseas, then you say that you are not a typical Aussie, I take that to mean that you were not born in Australia. So why not identify where you came from so that when you say you may not be a typical Aussie Bogan, the reader knows what you are talking about. That's the only part that I actually find a bit hard to understand in your writing due to what I feel, is a missing reference to connect the two statements.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Graduate / Outline your intersets in pursuing a gradute program (Personal Statement) 200 words. [3]

Kareem, remove the word fillers in your statement because the reviewer already knows this suck up information that you are providing. It will just irritate him because you are mentioning things he already knows in such a word requirement sensitive statement:

Undoubtedly, the University of XXXX is recognized internationally for being a research-intensive university. So,
in this prestigious university and
....etc.
For instance,
Also,

Your response is already informative so you do not need the above list of words to enhance the essay. Just inform the reviewer directly in order to ensure that he reads every bit of information that you hope to share and impress him with. The last sentence in your statement refers to a continued academic learning rather than the plans for a professional career as the prompt requires. Revise your response to indicate what sort of job you hope to perform after completing this masters degree instead.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Scholarship / Continuous development and networking with MasterCard Foundation Scholars [3]

Ugbashi, we have a one essay per thread limitation here so I can only advice you as per the first posting that you made. You will need to start a new thread for the other essay if you want to have me advice you on the content of the second essay. Those are the rules of the forum so please follow them or risk having your account flagged. Thank you.

You have not accurately responded to the prompt because you have given a generalized comment in the essay. The approach to the response should be more university specific. You need to look up the University of Edinburgh in relation to the masters degree you hope to study there and then asses the university offerings and course curriculum. Look at the reasons why this would become a unique learning experience for you. What is it about the experience of studying at the university that would help to transform you from the person you are now, to the person you want to be? Only if you understand what is special about the university will you be able to explain how the learning experience can be transformative for you.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Scholarship / exploring philanthropic interest through the medium of design and architecture [2]

Ayu, this is not a proper professional networking essay for the Chevening scholarship. The networking promot is very specific. It needs to be profession related ruing the time when yo were not a student anymore and instead, has you already practicing your skills in a professional setting. So this means, you need to highlight how you created these professional networks after you graduated. i will grant that these networks could have been built during your academic years, but the prompt is not asking about your academic network. So you need to transfer those to a professional setting and you need to explain why this network will be an excellent addition to the Chevening network. What benefit can the scholars gain from your network? I don't really get the sense that this network has any use to Chevening so you need to justify it. How do you use your network in your line of work? How does your network get any benefit from their relationship with you? What is the basis of the network you created? Revise your essay to respond to the guide questions and remember you need to discuss a professional setting so class projects and student competitions are out of this essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / When is Rome, do as the Romans do. Acceptation for the foreign culture. Direct question essay. [3]

SG, I think your overall score for this direct question essay could fall under the marker of 6. Your paraphrasing shows that you understood the question and how you had to respond to it. The problem, is that you treated it like an opinion essay (I will discuss my ideas below) when you were only directed to immediately present your opinion at the end of the paraphrase. The actual discussion build up was in the next paragraphs and you did not have to say that anymore. Your discussions are understandable but not properly developed in terms of cohesiveness, cohesion, and grammar structure. That did not affect the way that the reader understood your presentation though so you got a consistent 6 in the scoring considerations. This is a pretty good, passable essay. You just need to improve on your grammar structure and sentence development presentations.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Scholarship / Leadership is about empowering the team, pushing own idealistic is bad decision in designing project [2]

Ayu, please remove the reference to your being a treasurer of the student union. It is not really an acceptable leadership position because it is an academic related position and was not developed in a proper manner suitable for the presentation. It is irrelevant to the essay. However, your early projects as a student qualifies as a professional experience due to the elements you presented in the essay. Since you were a newcomer at the time, you need to take the opportunity to prove your leadership and influencing skills in a manner that showcases your early abilities in these areas. Give specific examples of how you won the respect of the contractor through leadership and influence on your part. Do the same for a project that you did after your graduation for profit. That way you can show how you developed your leadership and influencing abilities from the time you were a student. The other references as to your clients is not useful in this essay. You don't need to enumerate those. Set those aside as they may come useful in the networking essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Undergraduate / Essay about an experience that helped shape my character. [4]

Arushi, this is not exactly an experience essay but more of a contemplative essay. So you did not properly represent the prompt requirement. These are a series of questions that you asked yourself and sought responses to from different people. That is not what the essay is asking you to do. Rather, it is asking you discuss a specific event or experience that you went through which helped shape your character. For example, you spent all your time playing tennis and neglected to prepare for your SAT test. So when you took the test, you ended up failing to get a passing score. Your score was not good enough for your first choice university. The lesson learned was, you can't prioritize an extra curricular activity over an academic one because it will limit your ability to attend a good school. From that point on, you began to prioritize academics over extra curricular activities because you want to get a better grade the next time you take the SAT so you can attend your priority school. That is the kind of character shaping experience that you should be presenting. What you wrote definitely does not respond to the prompt so you should not use it with your application.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / CBEST writing practice: internet is useful or harmful for human? [3]

Hi Stella, you could probably score as high as a 3 with this essay. I am pretty much sure that you already know where your problems lie in developing these types of essays because you already mentioned a number of them when you asked for a review of this presentation. So, rather than harp on what is wrong with your essay, I would like to focus my advice on how yo can improve your problem points instead.

In order to improve your grammar and syntax, you need to practice English sentences development in a more serious manner. There are actually online free websites that allow you to practice grammar and sentence structures in English. These free websites normally start with simple fill in the blanks tests that get more difficult with every stage that you pass. These would be one of the ways that you can develop your skills in your problem areas.

Another way to improve your grammar and vocabulary is by reading more English based materials. This will help you learn not only vocabulary, but also the proper presentation of English sentences of the simple to complex kind. If you get used to reading materials in English, you will find that these will slowly begin to influence your writing styles which will in turn, help you to improve your English writing skills.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Rate and comment on my argumentative essay for GRE - super screen movies [4]

Somya, I am afraid my review of your essay is not good. You score a 0 in this instance because your response is off topic. The argument you were provided indicates that Super Screen is a movie production company. That means the company makes movies. They do not show movies. You mistook the name of the company for a movie theater company. A movie theater company is the company that shows the movies made by the movie production companies. You had an error in understanding the actual meaning of the term 'movie production company" and this led you to misdirect your discussion in the essay. Such a misdirection caused you discuss the topic in a manner that made the prompt go off topic. Which is why you were scored a 0 in this case. Please be very careful abut the way you write the essays. Make sure that you understand what the topic being discussed is all about. When you make a mistake with that, you end up with an off topic and failing score in the essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Unsatisfying career for those who change job frequently? [3]

Plamena you have fa failed Task Accuracy score because of the severe mistakes you made in the opening paragraph. You did not follow the paraphrasing and discussion instruction requirements of the IELTS essay test. Your opening paraphrase is not different enough from the original presentation to be considered a pure paraphrase. Rather, it is a plagiarized presentation to a certain extent. You also did not present a proper discussion instruction paraphrase. The correct paraphrase is:

There are people who believe that job satisfaction comes from finding the right job early and then sticking to it. Then there are those who frequently change jobs but also declare that they also have a satisfying career. I strongly agree with the first statement that job satisfaction comes from choosing the right job early. I will discuss the reasons that support my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.

Your opening statement must be so different in presentation from the original that all that is left of the original prompt is the central theme and discussion development representation. What you presented fail in those aspects of TA requirements.

As such, you did not end up discussing the body of the essay in the appropriate manner. This has led to the total failing score of your essay due to an evident lack of understanding of the original prompt requirements. You actually created your own prompt instructions for the topic provided, which is a prompt alteration from the original. Hence the failing score for your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Undergraduate / Applying to the college of arts and sciences and becoming University of Pennsylvania alumni [3]

Hayley, try to avoid mentioning the obvious information in the essay that the reviewer will surely know about. In the second paragraph, mention these influential women only if you plan on enrolling directly in their classes. Otherwise, simply rattling off what makes them special as professors and authors won't make the cut. Don't explain about the interdisciplinary programs. Tell the reviewer why that will help you define your academic and intellectual interests instead.

In the third paragraph. Your opening sentence is old and tired. So is the second sentence in the paragraph. Go directly to the discussion about "I will explore..." because that is the gist of your paragraph. That paragraph will be more interesting if read from a direct approach rather than an introductory approach. If you can format your essay to place the highlights at the start of the paragraphs so that the reviewer can simply scan the essay to get to the points you are trying to make, then there is a better chance he will finish reading your essay.

The rest of your presentation is attuned to the prompt requirements. I don't see any need to change those parts. The revisions should make the essay more interesting to read and allow you to hold the reviewers attention through direct informational contact.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Graduate / Motivation letter for graduate studies in Embedded Systems Engineering [2]

Omar, this is not really a motivational letter. This is more like a mix of a personal statement, statement of purpose, and resume. A motivational letter should focus on only one aspect of interest. That is, how your interest in this line developed and what potential contribution you wish to make in the field in order to improve it. That is the motivation you are required to represent here. This should only be a cover letter format of no more than 2 or 3 paragraphs. You should only introduce a summary of the extended discussions that will be presented in your SOP and PS essays, along with your other documents connected with your application. Simply mention the highlights of your application such as the reason for your interest in the field, a summary of your college thesis (if connected with this interest) and a quick description of why you chose the university. Then invite the reviewer to continue reviewing your other documents and essays in order to better consider your application. Don't turn this into an application essay because it isn't one.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Undergraduate / Negative Effects of Technology on Society Critical Analysis. [2]

The links you provided for access to the article do not work. Nothing is loading onto the page. So I won't be able to read the article in order to help you. I do have an idea as to how you can develop positive and negative critiques of the article. You can read what other people said about it on the web. Input the article title then at the end, add the keyword "reviews". That should bring up a listing of the different opinions written by people who have read the article. Now, provided you have read the original article, you should be able to decide whose negative and positive opinions you agree with and then use those as inspirations for your own article analysis. Unfortunately, we can't help you any further than this because of the problem with the links you sent. Now, you only get one free advice and this is it. Read what others before you have opined about the article and work from there.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Nov 1, 2017
Scholarship / Mastering leadership skills; being firm yet resilient, giving your colleges the freedom to improvise [5]

The reason that the soldier story won't work is because it did not require you to show any of the military character traits in your leadership. Creating a football field is not exactly an exemplary leadership skill. Specially since you were still subordinate to a higher authority. You were merely "assigned" to complete a task. You were not a group leader of any sort. If you had indicated that you had leadership in a war games type scenario, it might be considered a leadership and influencing skill depending upon what the situation you were facing was. Friendly fire and all, real leadership skills, in a pressure situation is required in that scenario.

Both your current work scenarios describe your leadership abilities in a good way. Your essay would be better improved if you present your traits in an implementable manner though. Use a particular site problem. Explain the problem and what steps were necessary to lead and influence the team. Your current essay makes it sound like your leadership is something that occurred naturally. So justify that with an example of both traits in action. Don't just give a long list of job descriptions. Which is what you have given me here.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Undergraduate / One paragraph about my favorite space. [3]

Tianhui, a paragraph is composed of 5-10 sentences when not written in an English exam setting but is used for practice writing purposes. So your paragraph is over the limit as a written exercise. While there is no word limit per sentence, you are advised to be on the lookout for run-on sentences that are created when the writer opts to keep using commas to separate his discussions instead of periods. That makes the paragraph extremely difficult to read and understand. You went over the word limit because you deviated from describing your favorite space which, by the way, should be library and not the table. The library is a space, the table is a thing. There lies the difference. You were asked to write about your favorite space, not your favorite thing. So change the paragraph to describe the library instead. The library is an "it", not a "she". The library has no gender assignment nor sexual orientation. It merely exists in space, nothing more.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / I will go back to the university that I am working now - career plans after returning home [6]

You cannot have 2 unrelated focus points in the essay because of the UK connection. Review your other essays and look for the more dominant discussion in them. Which one do you discuss more? The empowerment of women or the Communication System Engineering? Your UK study plans all relate to Communication system engineering. That is the whole point of your desire to study as per your Study in the UK presentation, which is the basis of your post study plans. Therefore, you cannot engage in a non related UK government sponsored project. The educational empowerment of women is not what you studied a masters degree for. I understand that you want to help the women improve their educational standards so it looks like you chose the wrong Study in the UK course for the scholarship. It is too late to change it now. I am telling you to align your post study plans with your Study in the UK essay. It your option to not follow me. Don't blame me when your scholarship is denied because of a lack of proper UK project referencing in relation to your study in the UK plans. .
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Undergraduate / Growing up with an ill mom. My story [4]

Rabin, your first paragraph is pretty much straightforward and informative. The transition sentence at the end about the transition point is good enough to segue into the next paragraph. Remove the word suicidal from the parenthesis in the second paragraph. The correct term is "suicidal depression" not "depression (suicidal)". Focus less on telling the story as it affected each member of the family and instead, focus on the story as it affected only you. That is because your other family members, included your mother, is not the focal point of the essay. You are the main subject so don't introduce too many characters, activities, and story elements that distract from that. That will also be the best way to reduce your word count. The story in itself is interesting but focuses too much on your mom and other family members.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / I want to have a career in scientific research and projects in Biotechnology field; Chevening essay [4]

Asma, where is the UK government project connection? You successfully enumerated what kind of career path you plan to take upon your return to Egypt but you are not explaining how the UK supported projects in your country fit into your plans. Please take note that the Chevening scholarship committee can automatically refuse your application due to the missing reference to the UK plans in your country. As a Chevening scholar, the least you can do is work with the UK on developing your country or improving it. Before you finalize this essay, you will need to find out if the UK sponsors and R&D projects within your area of expertise. Revise the essay to connect your plans to that organization or project at a certain point. Without it, no amount of career planning on your part will win you this scholarship. Everyone I have helped has constantly reiterated the importance of this final essay. Even if your first 3 are great, the minute you cannot identify a British government interest in your country, the student is denied.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / I stumbled into leadership right from birth being a first born and only girl to my sibling [4]

Jurna, the advice that Asma gave you is good, but does not totally apply to your essay. There are actually portions of this essay that can be used to create the foundation for your new version. You can start the new essay by opening with paragraph 3. That is what I see as the definition of leadership in your point of view. It would be best for you to leave out the college explanation though. Stick only to professional discussions as it helps to prove that you can be a future leader and influencer in your country. Although, defining the meaning of leadership is not really a requirement in this essay. It is more of an optional part. The requirement is on the examples of leadership and influencing and the strength that you can give those discussions. Focus more on that instead of defining your leadership. Since your USAID experience is also academic in nature being an internship, you can remove that part altogether as well. In reality, the essay does not contain any real leadership and influencing experience. You speak of your current position but you don't tell the reviewer what it is, what leadership experience you have and what influencing achievements you have. You speak of solely subordinate experience. There is no leadership and influencing involved so this essay will not work. You will need to find a professional reference for the prompt in order to create the rest of your revised essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Cried, but did it anyway! I have achieved new milestones in my job. [4]

Marzia, this is better but the information shared went overboard. Try to lower your presentation to under 500 words. Your description about reviving the department is definitely one that showcases your leadership skills and other talents. The fact that you had to set up the department all over again clearly indicates that you had to lead and influence people. Examples of how you got the department staffed would help to illustrate that point. One part of the essay that went under developed though is your influencing skill. Specifically, when dealing with people who tend to not care that you are an editor. Revise the essay and figure out which paragraph(s) you can sacrifice in order to allow the development of the method by which you placated angry authors. That requires direct people and influencing skills which will help to further boost the positive discussion regarding your leadership and influencing skills in the essay. Personally, I would skip the paragraph that talks about your going to Malaysia twice. The events you spoke of there sound better suited towards your networking essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Essay : Strong Networking for Starting a Company in future [4]

Feby, do you know that you have provided the wrong essay content with the prompt you were provided? You know what will happen if you pass this to the Chevening committee in this form? This will cause the automatic disqualification of your essay. You will lose the opportunity to win the grant because you were careless with the way that you presented the information. You were not thinking. You were not double checking your work. You were not functioning properly. There is nothing I can do to help you with this essay because you did not follow the instructions. I know I can help you, but I can't help you when you don't follow the instructions for the essay. You better review your work and replace the essay with the correct one. You also wasted your chance to get a usable, analytical, and solid singular free advice for this essay. I cannot continue to advice you at this point for this essay. What a wasted chance. All because you were not focused on what you were supposed to be doing.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Saïd scholarship: Career plan in Urban development & the role of urban planning for rebuilding [2]

Rebal, we have a one essay per thread policy in this forum so you are actually in violation of those rules. As such, I am not going to be responding to the other essays you posted. I am only allowed to respond to the first thread that you posted. Admin will delete the other essays when they spot your essay so you should post the other essays as separate threads while you have the time to do so. Don't wait to get flagged with a warning.

You have not completely discussed why you consider teaching hundreds of Syrian students a variety of computer software during a time of war an accomplishment. You should fully develop this discussion with more evidence as to why you consider this your most notable achievement. What did you have to do to accomplish the impossible task. What was the result of your sacrifice and innovative approach to teaching? Develop that discussion and delete the second paragraph. You are being asked to discuss only one achievement, not 2. As such, you will have to pick which of the two achievements you presented will be the focus of the essay. You cannot do both. The reviewer only wants to read about one achievement with a detailed explanation of why you think that is so.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Networking has a magical impact - Chevening Essay. [2]

Mohamed, paragraphs one and two are applicable to the networking essay because these relate directly to your work requirements and professional development. The third paragraph, about the business school alumni forum is not connected with your profession. That is academic in nature and does not carry any evidence of having a relationship with your professional network. You can delete that portion and instead, work on developing your closing paragraph instead. Allow the closing paragraph to better reflect your explanation about the strength of your network, its usability within the Chevening network, and how willing you are to share this network with other scholars who may require your help. Your first 2 paragraphs are good enough to represent the development and use of your network so I don't believe you need to change its presentation anymore. I would however, like you to add more information about how you networked with other marketers and how that helped to enhance your career profile.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Graduate / MA Future Plan: Lack of wider study in Afghanistan security scope [4]

Ruhullah the current format of your presentation is confusing. It is giving me all of these information that I have no idea what to do with. You just keep on talking and talking, giving a background without actually informing me as to why I should care about this. This uninteresting presentation is caused by the fact that you are not selling me on your mission, your objective, and your goal before feeding me all of this intricate information. Create the foundation of the future plan first, then explain the basis for the plan. That way, the reader knows the 5 W's (who, what, where, when, why) before the reader is hit with all this information. Reverse your presentation by bringing up an improved version of your last paragraph. That is where the basis of your research lies so that should be at the top, not at the bottom. You need to rearrange the essay in order to allow it to make more sense to the reader.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some people agree with the growing up infrastructure such us adding more railways than roads [2]

Yoga, since this is your first ever task 2 essay at this forum, I will go easy on you and guide you towards the proper formatting first as that is what you have a problem with at the moment. Once you know what the format is, you will find it easier to write the upcoming practice tests. Before I go into that though, I have to ask you to please post the full original prompt with your next essay. I always require the full original prompt to serve as the basis of my scoring and advising in order to improve your work. Now, lets get started.

Your opening statement indicates that you are already discussing the essay. That is not the purpose of the opening statement. The opening statement should only reflect your own presentation of the prompt for discussion, the reasons for the discussion, and what your discussion instructions are. In this case, you will lose major TA points due to the inaccuracy of your opening statement. If I were to base my version of the opening statement on the information you provided, it would be:

Some people believe that public funds should be spend on railways. Others, support the idea that the tax money should be spend on roads. In this essay, I will be presenting a discussion regarding which side of the discussion I support.

Note how I used a totally different presentation, along with synonyms for the keywords in order to indicated my understanding of the essay. Your paraphrase should be totally different from the original prompt, without discussing the essay immediately. Since it is impossible to properly discuss the reasons in the opening paragraph due to the sentence requirement, it is best that you do not fall into that habit.

In the actual test setting, you will be unable to access the internet in order to use researched information. Don't begin that practice in your practice test. Instead, you should use common knowledge, assumptions, or personal experience to illustrate your essay discussion points.

The concluding statement is not the place to discuss your personal opinion. Do not use closing paragraph phrases to start your opinion section because a continued discussion does not qualify as a concluding statement. Only a summary of the discussion passes for such.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2_ People have the right to university education, and government should make it free [3]

Van, you did not accurately paraphrase your prompt topic and discussion instruction. So you will lose TA points for that. This is an extent essay and yet you did not reveal an extent in your discussion presentation. You turned this into a comparative essay when it is a single opinion essay. However, if you used the correct paraphrasing of the discussion instruction, you would have been able to continue using this comparative discussion for the essay. The proper prompt requirement, based upon your existing discussion is:

University education is a right according to some people. That is why the government should shoulder educational expenses for all students, even if that student happens to be from a wealthy family. I partially agree with this statement for a number of reasons.

While I realize that Vietnam is the most obvious reference point for examples for you, it should not be used as the example in IELTS essays. In fact, no specific country should be used in reference to examples in a discussion unless it is absolutely necessary or applicable to do so. That is because the examiner will not be a Vietnamese so he will not be conscious of the educational travails of the country. This renders your example weak. Relying in common information instead and examples that apply to any country is always the best way to go so that the reviewer doesn't need specialized knowledge when reading and assessing your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Speeches / The key quality for being a hero is.... (you wouldn't believe it!) :) [2]

Bobovikisan, I think that the strength of your essay was at the very start when you were talking about real life heroes who stood up to the man and won. Who started supporting a cause, and made a change. When Ghandi put his life on the line to bring peace to two warring nations. That is where the hero in all of us resides and that is why your essay was so strong. The minute you shifted to the comic book character, the essay lost steam. Mostly because Superman is a fictional character who is going to be whoever his writers want to be at the time. He can be a hero, he can be a foe. If I were to present this essay, I would Superman at the top and use that reference to build up steam towards the real life heroes instead. That would be more persuasive, it would reach a wider audience immediately, and you would end on the most influential and historical tone possible.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Over the past four years, I have built a strong network of business professionals and IT experts [4]

Rahma, this is actually a networking essay that you can use without any revisions. I am impressed by the chronological way that you presented the method by which you developed your network through your profession. Even more impressive, is that you were able to justify your academic network in such a manner that thoroughly showed off how these academic contacts became useful to you during the course of your career. I would however like you to edit the term "school-classmate" Either the person was your school-mate, meaning you were friends in the same school but not the same class or, the person was your classmate, meaning you studied in the same school and in the same class. That is an error that shows how uncertain you were about how to present the network connection. Opt for one presentation or the other, not both.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Undergraduate / Supplemental essay for Brandeis: what could you talk about for hours? [3]

Anne, you don't really need to go into the creative narrative of your opening statement. That doesn't really work to make the essay stand out. If you start instead by saying; "Korean pop music. It's flashy..." you accomplish two things immediately. You refer to the topic of the essay and you introduce the unique aspects of the music that can have you talking endlessly for hours on end. Go straight into the current 3rd paragraph to create your new second paragraph, you will have described what makes it unique and add to the reasons why you can talk incessantly about this music genre. I am not sure you should include the stereotype discussion though. It seems to deviate from the focus on music, which is what the essay is all about, and moves into the realm of self analysis and acceptance. Which, I think, is not related to the discussion you originally presented. If you discuss the music, then focus on that throughout. If you want to discuss how K-Pop made you understand your Asian heritage more, then discuss that. Try to not mix the two in one essay so that the reviewer will only have to remember one memorable discussion topic in your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / To pursue Master of Marketing, are the University of Manchester, Southampton, and Oxford Brookes [4]

Supapatw, avoid redundancies in your essay. You mention your interest in specific UK universities twice in the essay. Remove the first reference in the opening paragraph because that is not the place to mention the universities. When you become redundant in your essay, you risk getting your application rejected because too often repeated information without actual discussion development. Your first paragraph should instead be the reference to your academic achievements related to your Marketing degree. That will show the reviewer that you are well prepared theoretically to take on the challenges of any of the course choices you have presented. After that, develop a more comprehensive presentation of your professional experience in a general sense. Describe why your current work achievements or training have best prepared you for the challenges that any of these courses offer. From there, individually discuss the university, the course, and the professional reason behind your choice. That way you can show how the course of study you have chosen relates to your profession and how your profession has given you the foundation for this line of study.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Studying in UK Essay: why I chose Development Finance [4]

Rumi, you have some highly informative information in this essay that you can use to revise your presentation. Summarize your employment experience to your most notable ones in relation to the development of your interest in this masters course. After that, go back to your academic studies. Explain why your course major appears to have not been sufficient enough to keep you performing at a peak level at your job. After that, you can begin to discuss your 3 course choices at 3 universities. Connect the course curriculum with your plans to enhance your career and explain how your academic and professional experiences have helped to prepare you for the demands of each course. You have to present 3 separate paragraphs for each separate course. What you did here was just summarize your university choices. The reviewer needs a clearer discussion of your choices starting with your priority university and course choice.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening essay: Career plan in development finance, the role of financial sector for development [4]

Before you start writing this post study plan, it is important that you first know what UK government sponsored project in Indonesia you can affiliate your plans with. You obviously did not bother to check that part of the essay because if you did, you would have included it in your presentation. Let me tell you right now, if you don't make the connection, you will not get the scholarship. No ifs or buts about it. If your intended study plan is not part of the priority country fields of interest, you will not have a chance at this scholarship. It will be difficult for you to fight for the few non priority slots available. Revise this essay by removing the format you have it in now. Write a normal essay, but put the UK connection in the opening paragraph. That is the first thing the reviewer will be looking for. Do not refer to the PhD plans as your actual application only goes so far as a masters degree. your short term plans are sound, but you do not present the long term and short term plans in a way that makes them seem related and connected. You need to connect everything from the UK, your long term plans, and your short term plans in a smooth manner. This format is too mechanical and makes it difficult to read.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Essay: Networking Skill for an Introvert Person [3]

Fatiya, this essay will immediately render an end to your application. It is not applicable to the networking essay requirements in any manner. Since Chevening is very strict about the information presented in the essays, they actually cancel the application of any applicant whose essay does not follow the prompt requirements. Regardless of whether or not you have written other essay or have early admission to a university. They will not sponsor you when it is obvious that you cannot follow simple English instructions.

Write a new essay that focuses on your professional networking skills. Everything I read here are either academic, personal analysis, or cultural interactions. None of which relate to your profession. None of which indicate a professional network. This essay is dead. It is not usable. Read the other sample essays here so that you will know how to approach the prompt in the proper manner. Learn from their mistakes and apply the corrections to your essay so that you can have a better version of your draft.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Essay: Three MSc Courses for my future career of wildlife veterinarian [2]

Afitri, you need to deliver a paragraph that explains you academic background. The college background that you have in Veterinary Medicine will help the reviewer assess your abilities as a wildlife conservationist in addition to your professional background. Your professional background can also use some expanding as you do not really indicate any specific reason why you feel a need to change something in the conservation condition of Indonesia. You need to make a more definite plea as to why you feel a need or what reasons you have for needing an advanced level of academic study in the field of wildlife. Please correct the spelling in your university choices from "modul" to "module" as the previous version contains the wrong spelling of the word. From what I have read of your university choices, you are very clear about how you wish to proceed with our education and why. So I would not change the content of those paragraphs anymore.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening leadership skills, my essay in answering this question [3]

Nashwa, there are two aspects of this essay that you should develop upon the removal of the first paragraph. The first, is an expanded discussion of how you manage your junior doctors and nursing team. How do you lead and influence them in a pressure charged situation at the hospital? Why do they look to you for leadership? How do you influence their decision making process? Why is it important that you influence them properly? For the next paragraph, use the Egyptian Blood Bank Reference as this foundation still qualifies as a profession related leadership and influencing skills. Explain what leadership qualities you displayed that led to your shared leadership promotion. Remove the "we" reference though and change those to "I". Think about which projects to were directly involved in as a leader and then use that in the paragraph. Don't forget, you need to display an influencing skill also. You don't have one at the moment.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Graduate / Writing a narrative explaining interest in the field of forensic medicine [3]

Mae, before you explain how your college exposure to General Pathology triggered your desire to study Forensics, you should first explain how your interest in this field was developed. So you need a separate, earlier paragraph that discusses how you were influenced by the documentaries related to Forensices. Don't use the television shows like CSI or police shows because Forensic experts have already said that the work that is shown in relation to Forensics on those shows are pure fiction. Focus on the documentaries instead. Those are more acceptable to the trained reviewer. Don't bother dumbing down you your essay by using simple terms. You are already a person who graduated from this intricate course of, what was your major again? You forgot to include that reference in this essay, so you should be using highly technical terms because you will be talking to an expert in the field. The reviewer will understand what you have to say. He would not be reviewing your essay if he wasn't an expert. Your work as a med lab scientist doesn't really show a passion for forensics. You are just telling the reviewer that you were exposed to these procedures. Where is the passion for Forensic work? What exposure did you have directly related to that?
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / 3 fantastic choices for infectious disease studies - Chevening [3]

Christi, you need to give the reviewer your academic background in relation to your course choices aside from the information about your current professional experience. The reviewer will need the extended discussion in order to decide if you have the skills and training to actually fulfill the requirements of the courses you have chosen. That is also why you need to separate the discussion of the two universities. You cannot discuss them in the same paragraph even if the discussion for the courses are related. Each university must be discussed separately because the intention that you have for each course should be different from one another, regardless of the course curriculum. In the official form, you are asked to list these universities separately, along with your course intentions and some other information. The essay must follow the same format. Your discussion for the first 2 schools, because you combined it, sounds more like an advertisement for the universities instead of a discussion regarding how each course will help your career and what academic courses you took in college along with what professional skills you have that will help you adjust to and complete the course requirements. That should be the major point for discussion about the universities instead of the blurbs about the overseas project. Your third choice doesn't even mention your career goals and preparations at all. You may just do very well to not edit this essay due to the non-compliant aspects of your essay, and just write a new, more applicable essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Powerful networking skill builds deep relationships and connections. Networking Question [2]

Mohammad, you have written this networking essay like a college common prompt essay. That is not the proper way to represent your networking skills in this essay. You received a prompt with the application that gave you a specific set of instructions for discussing your networking skills. You did not represent any of the instructions in your essay. Your networking skills should not be based on academic internships. These should be based on real world, profession related acquaintances and business partners who have helped you throughout your career. Now, if you can prove that the internship networks you created have a vital function in your current line of employment, then go ahead and use that information in the essay. Offer solid examples of how any or all of those "academic" networks have helped you in current profession. If you tried to impress the reviewer with numerous work experiences in an effort to claim a network because you do not have a professional network in place as of today, then that paragraph will not help you. That paragraph only shows worked at numerous places while you were in college and met people. That is not a network. That is a resume. Depict how you form work related networks, how these networks have helped you and how you have helped them. Then try to explain what sort of interest Chevening should have in your network due to the scholars that they have in the field of architecture engineering. Explain how you are willing to share your network with them since you will also benefit from the Chevening network during your studies and after your graduate.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Build up durable network of travel companies, tour agents, airlines representatives, hotel contacts [4]

Timur, do not include any reference to your community or organization networks. That will disqualify your essay. Focus only on your professional networking skills that will prove that you have the capability to cultivate these business contacts that you made at the tourist fairs. Explain how your network is created. The introduction is made at the fair and then? What collaborative examples of successful networking can you provide that will convince the reviewer that this tourism network is something that Chevening should consider as a potential part of their current network? Do you have any British tourism contacts that you can use in this essay? That would help to highlight your network in the eyes of the reviewer since British tourists will be coming to your country. Right now, you have an enumeration of potential contacts and how they were created. There is no discussion of these contacts in action or how this network can help Chevening scholars in the future. Improve on these problem points so that your essay will fall more under the requirements of the prompt.

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