Scholarship / STUDYING IN THE UK - Chevening: motivations to make marketing sustainable [3]

Angela, your second paragraph is too short and does not really help to enhance the information you are presenting about your background in the essay. So you can remove that part and just use the 3rd paragraph as the second paragraph of the essay. Now, are for the reference to your future career paths. your first and third university choices show how you plan to use the courses in the future. However, your second choice doesn't indicate how this opportunity you might be given will help to open a career path for your in the future. Additionally, you should remove the reference to your undergraduate degree in this section. You should discuss your academic foundation as it applies to all of the courses you have chosen, not just this particular course. The reason is simple. You must provide concrete proof that your academic background has given you the foundation to succeed as a masters student, regardless of which course you are sponsored by Chevening for.

Scholarship / Profesional Reference Letter for Chevening Scholarship - She has worked well in two airports [7]

The letter that you wrote is acceptable at this point. It at least sounds like someone other than you wrote this letter. Which makes it a valid recommendation letter. As for your inquiry about a translator being on hand in case of a verification phone call, I am not privy to that information. I urge you to contact the Chevening secretariat in your home country or inquire about that concern via their FB or official website. They have people ready and willing to answer your queries during specific time frames. It would be best to get an authoritative response from them regarding the reference question you have. I don't dare hazard a guess regarding a response because that is too much of a risk to take. While you still have time to contact Chevening, I strongly recommend that you do so. Don't leave anything to chance as you have a lot riding on the recommendation letters as well. However, provided you supply 2 recommendations, and the other person speaks fluent English, I would not be so worried about the reference letter verification process. At least one of the referees will be able to properly support the recommendation letter that was submitted on your behalf.

Scholarship / Learning and gaining experience participating in various British courses [6]

Adil, this is a strong presentation of your course choices. While I feel that the future use per course in your career should be more developed, as the prompt does ask you to specify how each course will help you enhance you future career, you did do a summary presentation as an overall career objective so that is acceptable. I makes the essay unique and interesting in a way. The location of the two universities are not really relevant to the reasons why you chose these universities though and can be omitted in the presentation. If you have academic awards and accolades from your college days, that could further enhance your ability to complete any of these courses that you have chosen. Your academic profile can use some building up. After all, your professional discussion is one of the strong points of your essay.

Graduate / Masters in Data Science (Introduction Paragraph) (Rough Ideation) [3]

Sanket, I am unclear as to what type of essay you are writing for your MS application. Are you developing a personal statement or a statement of purpose? My advice to you, in terms of specifics, will depend upon the type of essay that you are developing. Each essay type has a specific concentration so I need to know what direction to take your essay into.

That said, there is a general piece of advice that applies to both the PS and SOP with regards to information. That is, you should never refer to terms such as "since my childhood" in your essay. No reviewer ever believes such claims and they consider that an exaggerated statement in all essay types. It would be best for your essay if you remove that reference and just say that you developed this interest as a high school student or something. The proper type of information that you can present in place of the "since childhood" reference will again, depend upon what type of essay you are writing.

So far, you have an interesting start to the essay and your opening sentences for succeeding paragraphs are acceptable. However, I am not sure if it will all apply or if you will need to revise most of it because of the focus that the essay (whichever type it is) requires.

Writing Feedback / [WRITING IELTS TASK 2] - Mass Media controls people's mind. What can be done? [7]

I can understand your confusion. While this type of essay is normally written as a singular opinion essay, there are instances when you can write about the extent of your agreement and disagreement with the statement. The presentation of the prompt, based on your confusion should have been something like this:

There is an opinion that because media can be controlled, it has the power to control the point of view and reactions of people. Since media has the power to do this, the public believes that nothing can be done to correct the situation. I only partly agree with this statement for a number of reasons that I will be discussing in this essay.

By using the term "partly agree" in the opening paraphrase, you allow yourself to discuss both points of view to a certain extent within your body of paragraphs. The body will then consist of:

Par. 2 - agreement discussion with evidence
Par. 3 - disagreement presentation with supporting facts

Using the above presentation you would have been able to get a decent score since you provided a discussion of both points of view in the essay. You could have clearly expressed the opinions you wanted to in a formal and acceptable manner that would not have caused a prompt deviation on your part.

Writing Feedback / Cambridge FCE: WRITING ABOUT FOREIGN LANGUAGE KNOWLEDGE [3]

Andre, you have a good start to the opening statement. It is interesting and hooks the reader in. However, the end of the paragraph needs another sentence as this type of essay writing requires evidence of your personal opinion at the very start of the essay. At the end of the opening statement, you should have signified what your opinion is on the topic presented in order to create a smooth introduction for your upcoming paragraph discussions.

Do not cut your paragraph presentations into lines. Present these sentences as interconnected discussions composed of a topic sentence, one justification sentence, and example sentence. That will be considered a complete explanation and paragraph by the examiner. In your second paragraph, you have two unrelated presentations. So those should have been presented in separate paragraphs with their own supporting discussions.

You have a solid conclusion presented here. The whole essay has some problem points but since this is your first attempt at writing the new FCE test essay, I would have to say that you have the potential for improvement and growth over time. Keep practicing. It will pay off for you in the future.

Writing Feedback / Tables below present information about sales of fairtrade*-labelled coffee and bananas over Europe [2]

The presentation of the essay information is remarkably improved from your practice essays yesterday. I guess you are getting used to writing these essays already. It shows in the manner of your paragraph development and presentation. That will result in a scoring increase for your work. However, you now show a problem with your grammar range and accuracy.

Please remember to consistently use past tense in your references as all of these information come from previously completed measurements. Therefore:

There were 1.5 million euros earning earned.
banana but with slower paced,

The country it called Switzerland, not The Switzerland. Additionally, the presentation of information in that sentence ran too long. It should have been split into 2 sentence presentations.

The discussion of the Banana category should not have been mixed in with the coffee information since that discusses a different topic. The coffee information should have been included in the previous paragraph, allowing the banana discussion to stand alone in a separate paragraph as per C&C requirements for scoring.

The mention of step back for Sweden and Denmark should have been justified with information from the chart. Without it, the reader does not know if this is accurate information being presented to them. When you say the situation was reversed for Switzerland, you should indicate what category it was. The reader already knows it was in 2004.

Writing Feedback / Can students study whatever they want or science and technology is a must? [3]

I do not know if you realize this or not but you discussed only one point of view in the two paragraphs. Both your presentations pertain to justifying the fact that students should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, and what the results of those opinions are. You presented two varying results for the same topic (study subjects useful in the future) as one positive and one negative. The correct format for this discussion is:

2nd Paragraph - Students study whatever they like (not what their parents told them to).
3rd Paragraph - Students study only subjects useful in the future.
4th Paragraph - Your opinion.

If you notice, having students study what their parents tell them to in college, and having them study only subjects that will be useful in the future follow the same discussion vein. Both require the students to not study what they like but what others deem more important for their professional future. The mistake in the discussion extends all the way to your concluding paragraph. So these mistakes will cost you a passing score with this essay. It will fail due to the improper discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task2- the reason of learning a different language [8]

Sandra, you just failed the test because of your improper representation of the prompt requirements in the opening statement. The way you presented it is incorrect as you chose the wrong tense usage (past tense) to represent what should have been present tense references. Aside from that, you made an inaccurate portrayal of the discussion instructions. Refer to the following correct prompt paraphrase as a sample:

There are those who believe that learning a second language is required these days for a number of reasons. One of these reasons being that it is useful when one goes abroad as a tourist or as a worker. Others believe that other reasons also exist for a person to develop knowledge of a second language. In this essay, I will discuss both points of views while offering my own opinion regarding the discussion.

Since you discussed your personal opinion alone in the essay and you did not even give an inkling of the public opinion regarding the topic, as implied by the prompt, you turned this into a singular voice, instead of dual voice essay. There should have been a discussion of the two public opinions before you discussed your own opinion. Due to your failure to follow the discussion instructions, your essay will fail the TA portion and in the process, fail the whole test.

You have shown an inability to understand and follow English instructions, which is a pivotal part of the scoring and a major consideration as to whether or not you are capable of working in an English based educational system. It is clear that you are not yet ready for that based upon the mistake you made in writing this essay.

Scholarship / Being blessed to be a leader [2]

While I will not discount the relevance of community leadership as you portray in your essay, most specially since you are performing these leadership tasks in connection with your occupation, I still have to be honest here and say that you are not supplying the proper leadership and influencing skill that the essay requires. Although connected with your occupation, these are not workplace related activities and thus, lessen the impact of the leadership and influencing skills in the manner that the prompt requires.

You can use the second part of the essay as a part of your revised essay because it is a community based leadership experience that shows a clear use of leadership and influencing. However, you need to support that with a workplace related leadership and influencing skill in order to make it count towards the prompt requirement. What kind of pharmacist role do you play in your workplace? Do you handle subordinates? If so, have you any experience with resolving workplace issues? Resolving a workplace issue within your area of leadership will highlight the proper leadership and influencing skill required in the essay for the profession related part. The community based leadership narrative will help show that you have the leadership and influencing skills to effect a positive change within your community, which is what the Chevening scholarship is looking for. When combined, the two experiences will show that you are an up and coming leader and influencer in your community, which is what the basis of country leadership in the future, as in the context of Chevening, requires.

Scholarship / Building networks is the key to keeping the world connected and constantly evolving; Chevening essay [3]

Estephany, Chevening is looking for professional networks that can help to enhance the information and professional exchange between its scholars across the globe. That said, you can probably see why the networking information that you present in this essay will not qualify for your application. Chevening knows that you want to enroll in a masters course. Therefore the interest and focus of the reviewer in all of your essays will be on your professional representation. Think about your current profession and how you managed to climb the ladder of success. Who or what organizations were instrumental in that achievement? How did you meet these people and organizations? How have these organizations and people made a difference in your career? Would you say that your career improved because of your ability to connect and network with these people? Those are the questions that should be responded to in this essay, along with an explanation of how your network will help to enhance the Chevening experience for the upcoming and previous scholars. Do that and the essay will have a proper draft for the networking essay.

Undergraduate / My Essay for College Admission: Atlas. (Tell me how it sounds, and of course where to improve) [3]

Marcus this is an interesting story. Do you mean to use this essay for the open topic prompt? You know, the one that goes:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

This essay is really right on the mark for that prompt. It shows your background intertwined with your parents experience as immigrants, your own immigrant experience, and the influence that your mother had on you. It is an inspiring essay that allows the reviewer to get to know you far beyond the scope of the ordinary prompt requirements. If that is the prompt that you picked, then you made an excellent choice. If it isn't the prompt you chose, then I strongly urge you to switch to the prompt I provided in order to get the most benefit out of the essay that you wrote.

Scholarship / Great networking skills in influencing others in their chosen profession of the chevening community. [2]

Janet, the Chevening networking essay requires a physical network connection. Meaning, these are the networks that you create in the real world, based upon the needs of your profession. It is not virtual in presentation and it is not maintained by simply sending quotes to one another. That is a social network which, as per my review of your essay, does not have any direct impact upon the heightening of your professional skills or connections that could help you improve the presentation of your work tasks. These are not networks that you can use to mentor future scholars, nor is this network useful to the past scholars. This network is not Chevening grade. It is only social media, informal grade. You need to refer to your professional network of contacts for this essay, if you have any. Think about the people outside of your office, who work in the same field whom you have met with whom you have managed to stay in touch with and use as partners in the development of your career path or work requirements. That is the basis for the networking essay.

Scholarship / Past Educational Challenge and Career related Degree Choice essays for MasterCard Scholarship [4]

Ugbashi, please clarify if you were sent by your mother to live with your uncle which is why he seems to have had complete control over your upbringing. Explain how you continued your informal education as you waited for the opportunity to attend college. Explain what pushed you to approach your father's friend because somehow, it seems like your uncle should have sent you to college. The addition of that information makes all the other information in the essay even stronger. You should build on your loss of hearing in the essay. What was the cause of that and how did that adversely affect your ability to learn? Building that story will make the essay emotional and create a more interesting angle for your application.

Your second essay has a very confusing opening sentence. Let me clarify that for you:

The electrical supply of Nigeria has been spotty since the country's independence was declared in 1960. The long term results of this problem includes economic impoverishment...

Aside from the need to clarify that part of the essay, everything seems to be in order for the essay. I am just wondering though, is it 250 words for both essays (125 words per essay) or 250 words per essay? The assignment of the word count will affect how you revise the essay.

Scholarship / Economic recession to Nigeria is the reason of my interest in this particular master programme [3]

Njoku you mistook the Post Study Plan for a personal statement. It is obvious to me that you wrote this plan before you wrote the first 3 essays in the list. You need to first respond to the leadership and influencing essay, then the networking essay, then the UK study plan, before you reach the Post study essay. The first 3 essays that you develop will help you develop a proper response to the final essay. Right now, you are not providing any future career plans for yourself and you are not showing how the UK has any interest in your country's development. So you will need to trash this essay. Start with the first one instead because the order in which you write these essays will allow you to properly develop your post study plan. It gives you the opportunity to assess what your future career will look like and why. The influence of the UK in your country should help you to create the most effective response to the post study plans prompt, which, it seems, you did not even bother to read or understand before you wrote this essay.

Graduate / Public health to enhance my journey in health promotion and chronic disease prevention [2]

Krystal, In the first paragraph, open directly with "I am drawn to the Masters..." rather than opening with the confusing first sentence. It is better to keep the response as focused and precise as possible in relation to the prompt requirements. I observed that your essay is very strong in terms of your academic and professional background. Your experience clearly shows that you will be an excellent student in this field. As far as academics are concerned, this essay should qualify you for the course. The problem though, is that you focused so much on providing solid information about your academics and training background that you lost sight of the intent of your application. A letter of intent is no different from the statement of purpose. Replace the word purpose with intent and you still have the same requirement for the essay. So tell me, what is the purpose of your desire to complete this course? The letter that you shared at the end is not really specific enough for it to qualify as the intention for your studies. So you can safely remove that from the essay as it won't have any adverse effect on the presentation. Right now, you need to think about why you want to complete this course. What change do you want to effect in your line of work? Why do you consider that important? Tie it in with the earlier parts of your essay and you should have a better draft of your LOI to work with.

Scholarship / My Passion about the concept of sustainability and my vision of achieving development [5]

Hadeer, you should not include references to the ranking of the universities you have chosen, based upon publicly known information. The Chevening reviewer already knows about these universities and their qualifications. So those are irrelevant information in the essay. Your reasons for choosing the universities and how it will affect your future career plans have solid presentations. However, your platform regarding your academic and professional background is not really properly threshed out. You have to create an effective opening statement for starters. Pick either your academic or professional skills for that presentation. Personally, I would open with the professional foundation of your career. That ties in directly with your future plans per course. I would then close with the academic aspect, informing the reader of my accomplishments as a student in order to prove that I have the educational foundation and background to complete any of the courses I have chosen at the three universities.

Undergraduate / A Common App essay about my life, my challenges and what makes me unique... [4]

Katelin, you need to provide me with a copy of the complete prompt that you are responding to because this essay actually combines at least 3 of the current common app essay topics in one. All the college application essays focus on only one topic so I need to know what that is. Perhaps the university you are applying to has its own common app prompt for applicants. I can't really asses which direction you should take this essay in at the moment because I do not know what the end result of the essay should be. Care to enlighten me? I would not worry about the content placement and message of the essay at the moment since I don't really know what you want to do with this essay. I can offer you a more focused and detailed assessment of your work, and how to redirect it once I know the exact prompt you need to respond to. As of now, the essay has some pretty good references to various prompts that, once I know which prompt you are responding to, will make for a very good basis of an opening statement for your revised essay.

Scholarship / The pharmacy profession chose me as much as I chose to be a pharmacist [4]

Hoodali, this is not a very effective personal statement for a scholarship. Aside from your desire become a good pharmacist, I don't read anything that tells me why you are worthy of becoming a scholar. What abilities have you shown on your academic side to make yourself a good candidate? I am speaking of grades and academic achievements at this point. Scholarships are normally reserved for the best and the brightest students in their chosen college major. There is nothing in this essay that tells me you are an exceptional or gifted student in this field. Maybe I am missing something here because you did not provide the prompt requirement for this personal statement. Or maybe the essay is just weak with room for improvement. It all depends upon what the scholarship wants to learn about you through the personal statement. Your sentence structures are also weak. You have a knack for writing under developed paragraph presentations and your capitalization needs work. Your grammar needs editing, but I don't suggest you do that until you have the proper content represented in your essay first.

Graduate / MS in Cs with Data Science or Data Science Alone [3]

Shivam, I am not sure if you are writing a PS or a SOP so I am not sure about how to guide you with the development of this essay. What I can tell you though, is that because you are focusing on MS studies, you should remove the reference to your elementary interest in Math. The part of most interest to the reviewer in this instance, will be how you performed in college, what awards and achievements you gained during that time, what your thesis was, and how all of that relates to your current profession and specific interest in data mining or big data. Maybe you can focus on your current interests in Data Science in relation to your MS studies. Where do you see weaknesses in this field? How will a MS allow you to develop a framework to solve the issue or make data gathering more efficient? I can give you some more ideas, proper ideas, for the development of your essay if you can tell me what sort of paper you are writing. Either it is a personal statement or a statement of purpose. Each has its own writing requirements so you need to point this paper in the right direction.

Scholarship / Gaining Some Valuable Contacts and Information by Networking Skill - Chevening [5]

Bella, your networking skill will be strengthened if you can indicate how your blogger friends have helped you grow your network. For example, did their article about you result in the development of a new network on your part? Did other bloggers or media partners contact you in order to offer their assistance for your future projects? Or perhaps someone wanted to write a follow up piece about you that helped increase your professional profile? It is important that you show how these networks spin off into other networks whenever possible so that your ability to create and maintain new networks are added to the consideration of your networking skills. This should be connected to your statement about how you grow your network. You might need to rearrange the essay paragraphs so that the two ideas will flow more smoothly from one to the other. I am really impressed by the way you developed this networking essay. It is strong, focused, and really applicable to your profession and how you enhance your professional skills using it. The future scholars will be lucky to have you for a mentor, should you win the scholarship that is.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 about influence of colour on our purchasing decisions [4]

Nguyen, your second sentence in the opening paragraph is almost a direct quote from the original prompt. You need to change it a little bit more in order to remove the plagiarism in your presentation. You could have said:

Aside from other factors being considered during the purchase of an item, it appears that color is one of the foremost considerations that influences the decision of the buyer.

That paraphrase directly includes the last 2 questions provided in the original prompt. Which is what the opening statement requires.

In the body of the discussion itself, you present a contradiction from your opening statement. You started by saying that you firmly believe in the statement. Then, towards the middle of the essay you indicate that both color and quality influence the buying decision. Therefore, you do not believe that color is the strongest indicator of what a person will purchase. However, you repeat the belief that color influences the buying decision of clients in your closing statement.

In addition to that, you used actual research information in your second paragraph. You required research online in order to do that. There will be no such instrument for you to use during the actual test day. So use only popular information and personal opinions to discuss and defend your reasoning.

This is a very confusing, ill developed essay that unfortunately, will not get a passing score in an actual test setting due to inconsistencies in your writing and reasoning style.

Scholarship / My UK post study career plan; British-Indonesian cooperation towards sustainable development [4]

Alvin, your essay will not work because there is no direct reference to the UK activities in your country regarding space exploration. You need to make a solid statement about hoping to collaborate with such a UK agency in Indonesia in order to make that assumption work. You should find out from those 2 agencies if the UK has any contribution to their development or studies before you proceed with this essay. Unless you can prove that the UK supports the space program of Indonesia, you will have a bit of a hard time convincing the reviewer that you qualify for a Chevening scholarship. You have made a good case for your post study plans, however, the lack of UK collaboration as indicated in your essay weakens the content by at least 50%. You need solid representations of the UK interests in your country, within your field of interest / profession in order to make this essay stronger in the manner that the Chevening committee might consider relevant to your application. Right now, the essay works for your application, but only to a certain extent. It will be difficult for the committee to fully consider your application due to the lack of UK participation in your future plans.

Scholarship / Everyone is a leader and an influencer in his live. Chevenig essay about leadership. [5]

Hiwot, your essay does not apply to the requirements of the scholarship for the first 3 paragraphs. You need to focus on developing your professional leadership and influencing style alone. From what I have read in this essay, you have some pretty strong leadership skills when it comes to your students. Encouragement is good and could almost qualify as an influencing skill if you could provide some solid examples of how you integrated your leadership and influencing skills as you conduct your job. I believe that you can do that by adding one paragraph that exemplifies this action. Think about the time when you had a student who needed your leadership and guidance. As a guide, you had influence upon that student. So when you discuss that situation, you will in effect, be strengthening your essay because you will be accurately responding to the prompt requirements. Since this is an example essay, you do not need to refer to your future plans with regards to your leadership. The essay prompt is only asking for current examples of those 2 particular skills.

Scholarship / Chevening Post Study Plan: Helping Indonesia Using Data [5]

Anindia, you do not need to present the first 3 paragraphs in this essay. The focus of the post study plan is to elaborate on how you hope to use your gained knowledge in Big Data upon your return to your country. You have a good start with that discussion in your 4th paragraph. So use that as your new opening statement. Then proceed to explain what the interests the UK has in big data in Indonesia. You will need to justify how the UK has an ongoing big data project in your country that you hope to work with in the future. There are two things you have to accomplish in this essay.

1. Present your 5 year career plan regarding big data.
2. Present how the UK has big data interests in Indonesia and make sure that you explain how your 5 year career plan fits into it.

Find the UK project first then revise the essay accordingly.

Scholarship / Dreams become goals when I am trying hard to catch them [3]

Patarasuda, your personal long and short term goals are acceptable. However, your UK collaboration is not. You acknowledge that your country has joint projects with the UK government and its supporting agencies but you were not able to name a single one in your essay. You need to find out which agency the UK has a representative in your country that is closest to your plans for your career. Your reference is too generic, it does not have a clear direction regarding a collaboration between you and the UK agency in your country. First, you have to find the agency that will work best with your plans. Second, you need to explain how your personal plans will prepare you collaborate with the agency. Third, explain how you plan to join the agency. Finally write a statement that indicates how you look forward to this future collaboration. By developing the UK connection this way, you create a stronger essay that has a shared focus on the necessary topics for discussion.

Undergraduate / Personal statement about the reason why I chose marketing -UK PS [4]

I wish you had indicated that this is a UCAS statement from the start so that we could have immediately aligned the responses with it. Anyway, it isn't too late to do that now. All you have to do is replace the part that I am asking you to remove with a reference as to your overall impression of a British education and why you feel like you will thrive under that academic system. Now, your tendency will be to talk about Britain as a tourist destination in this portion. Don't do that. Try to get to know the British college educational system. Compare it with the system in your country. Then consider the positive difference that the UK system has over the Chinese one. Discuss that in the paragraph. That will show that you have given a great deal of thought to your international education and it is not just a way for you to get out of your country for 4 years. These changes will be generic enough but still, be important enough to make a big difference in your UCAS application.

Scholarship / Becoming a Chevening scholar would widen my network and an opportunity to meet various experts [5]

Natasya, this is not a networking essay. This is an example of a work ethic essay. I would say that this could very well have been a part of your leadership and influencing skills essay. A networking essay requires you to show how your training at the office has prepared you for your current and future work requirements. These include seminars attended, training you were involved in, and mentoring programs you were a part of. All of these experiences should relate to examples within your workplace when you had to call upon the help of these organizations or individuals to help resolve work related issues. It would be even better for your essay if you can explain that your original contact spun off into a new contact that remains active in your network today. The essay should exemplify how you manage to engage the help of those outside of your company in order to complete your company related tasks. This essay does not do that. Read the other networking examples here. That should give you a better idea of how to correct your essay.

Scholarship / Starting a sports social enterprise - Post study career plan question for Chevening scholarship [4]

Why don't you try to find out if sports associations in your country have been receiving aid from the UK first? Ask them how they receive their sponsorship and then decide if the organization(s) helping them can somehow work with your post study plans. More often than not, the UK continues their support of a project in a different manner. Perhaps they create a dedicated organization, or they consider grants for specific fields based on certain requirements. Basically, your request might be sent to a more appropriate foundation, organization, or government institution. You need to do some research in this instance and then revise your essay in the most appropriate manner. Since the DFID no longer supports projects along your line, then you should not mention them at all. Like I said, find an alternative connection through your existing network. With any luck, you will find that evasive UK organization that can help you make the solid connection your essay requires.

Scholarship / Chevening - Networking skills (Empathy as a good skill for networking) [4]

Janet, while your writing skills are academic level at best, you should not concern yourself with that. The method by which you write the essay is not as important as the information contained within your essay. Don't worry if your presentations are simple, there is no scoring in this instance. You still need to make sure though that you present your paragraphs in clear and understandable formats. So be aware of your grammar and sentence structures. You can ask other people to read your work and ask if they understood what you said. If they have questions, then you may need to revise the essay to become easier to understand.

Your examples, as best as possible, must be profession related because improving yourself in your quest to increase your professional capacity is the reason why you are applying for this essay. In a networking essay, the method you use to create your network and how that network has helped you in your professional advancement is just as important as the conferences you attended. In fact, how the network has grown and increased your professional profile is of great interest to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Hard Work - being the "positive" role model for peers. Chevening essay on Leadership [9]

Adil, you really need to remove the first two paragraphs in this essay. I have repeatedly told you that the academic side is not applicable to this essay. Focus only on the professional side. Do not include the work that you did as a lawyer unless you were able to resolve the case using influence and mediation instead of litigation. Your essay is already extremely strong in terms of your leadership skills. It is leaping off the page. Yet your influencing style is non-existent. I know that lawyers work with legal teams and that you have to get them to help you do legal research and other things. Can you think of a time when the team was refusing to cooperate with you? What was the situation? How did you influence them to support you? That is the missing link in the essay. You can remove the part about representing your friend in court to get his salary in exchange for a longer explanation of how you use your influencing skills in your line of work. You can change your opening paragraph to explain that you work as a corporate lawyer and that this is where your leadership and influencing style was honed and polished. That will take the place of the academic representation you keep trying to present.

Scholarship / An experience which has given me an opportunity to be a better leader in the future [10]

Natasya, the managing yourself stage is not really necessary in this instance because there is no such thing as self-leadership. You just have to do your job. The fact that you learned how to manage your time and other job related needs, in relation to yourself is not really leadership. That is just proper time management. Go directly to the management of the team. You have relayed a pretty solid explanation of your leadership style but it lacks a strong influencing style in the presentation. Try to discuss some problems that you had within the team. A true and influential leader thrives on conflict resolution. That is not really reflected in this essay. In fact, the management you had to do of the team falls under "easy" in this case. Look at the other leadership and influencing essays here and you will see how your essay makes the job you are doing almost like child's play. Which does not really enhance your leadership skills and influencing abilities.

Scholarship / Chevening post-study plans: Wildlife Connecting Brazil and the UK [3]

Rodrigo, you just tanked your possibility of receiving this scholarship because you have openly admitted that there is no UK project in your country to tie your post study plan career to. If there is no UK organization in your country to hitch your wagon to then you will not get the scholarship. Everyone whom I have helped that did not get the scholarship all had the same reason, lack of UK connection in the post study plan.

Bear in mind that the Chevening scholarship program has a set of priority areas for study and scholarship support. While Chevening has said that they will also support courses not included in the country priority areas, it may be difficult for you to gain a scholarship spot because your application will not be part of the priority considerations and those slots fill up fast. I hope this will not be the case for you.

In this instance, you will have to justify why the committee should consider your field of study a priority area as well. Don't waste the space on the first 2 paragraphs. That is already repeated information. Instead, open with the fact that the UK government doesn't have a project in Brazil for wildlife preservation. You will need to plead your case in this instance and prove that the presence of the UK government in Brazil is important if the wildlife is to be preserved.

You should not mention that you want to increase funding for your projects through various organizations. Discuss only the UK connection. Figure out what wildlife conservation projects the UK has in other countries and build on that. Convince them that the funding should also be established in Brazil. Don't muddle the issue with so many other agreements, initiatives, and the like. The UK connection is the sole focus of this essay and that is what you should be developing in the essay.

I am not assuring you that changing the slant of the essay will work but it is worth a shot. I truly hope that you are considered for and awarded a scholarship because of your noble intentions. The most I can do is help you try to create the best possible post study career plan for the reviewer's consideration.

Undergraduate / Helping me to pursue my dream in Canada [4]

Tam, you need to re-target the presentation of this essay. Base your requirement to study in Canada on your professional needs. The academic references you made in the essay will not help you because you are now applying for a visa to go to masters degree school. That means, you have at least 2 years relevant work experience in this field. So you have to convince the consul that there is an imperative need for your line of training in Vietnam. You should open with that explanation instead. Think of this letter s a statement of purpose to get a visa. Why should the consul allow you entry into his country? Start from the beginning. Here is an outline that you can base your revision upon. You can talk about:

1. The purpose for your studies abroad with justification as to why this training cannot be completed in Vietnam.
2. Why you chose to study in Canada (without getting political by mentioning diversity and tuition fees).
3. Define what the Canadian educational experience means to you.
4. Indicate if you have already received early admission to Seneca College and how this affected your decision to study in Vietnam.
5. Explain who will be sponsoring your studies. Make sure to mention that you have no intention of working while you are in Canada.
6. Reiterate your desire to return home at the end of the academic year.

If possible attach a letter from your employer that indicates that you have a job waiting for you upon your return to Vietnam. That could help to convince the consul that you are a good risk to return to Vietnam after one year.

Scholarship / After finish my master course I plan to get a job in a governmental and/or oil and gas company [9]

Walter, before you think about writing that acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in Physics, you may first want to consider the latter part of the prompt requirement that is not represented in your essay. Where is the relation of the UK government projects in your country to your plans? You focused way too much on your personal intentions after graduation that you totally forgot about the UK connection. It is obvious that you did not double check the prompt requirements before you submitted this essay for review. Otherwise, you would have caught that all too important factor and as such, would have corrected it immediately. You cannot use this essay without connecting your plans with the UK government priority projects in your country. I strongly urge you to find that connection and revise the essay to make room for that discussion. If you don't do that and you manage to make it to the last round of interviews, you will most likely lose your shot at the scholarship because of that missing link.

Writing Feedback / Reasons for land degradation - what impair the productive capacity of agricultural land? [2]

For this essay, I think the highest you can garner is an 8. You had a few run-on sentences that caused you to fall short of the paragraph requirement in the last paragraph. There was also an issue regarding your sentence formation. For instance. you were missing the connecting word "the" when you said "Europe was hit most severely during THE 1990's." In the third paragraph, the correction is "... degradation MADE up (use the past tense as the information is taken from the past)". Then, "... land degradation WAS (past tense) attributed..."

Truth be told, I am very impressed by the consistency in your writing. Your scores so far have always ranged in the 8-9 bracket so I am more than confident that you will be passing this test with some of the highest marks in your batch of test takers. That is why I am now focusing less on the content of your essay and more on the grammar presentation. You are slowly developing a more fluid sentence presentation that will all but erase the fact that you are an ESL student.

Scholarship / I would like to contribute more to improving Indonesia's academic literacy rate. [2]

Theodora, you do not assume that your ideas for your career will fall into place with the UK initiatives in your country. You have to be sure. Be definite as to the UK project you will work with and how that will become a reality. Since the UK project seems to be focused on the STEM field, you may need to do some extensive research into a particular project that could tie in directly with your literacy initiatives. If the project doesn't tie in with your plans, then you need to figure out how to make that happen. You can't just throw in the idea just to fulfill the prompt requirement. Your honest desire to collaborate with the UK initiatives will be vital to the final consideration of your application. Additionally, you are not allowed to repeat information in this essay. If you already mentioned it in the Study in the UK part, you cannot repeat that information here. Find some other relevant information to replace it with. Chevening constantly repeats that instruction across the essays. There is to be absolutely no duplication of information across the essay discussions.

Writing Feedback / Given are two pie charts illustrating how different languages are spoken by British students [3]

Sandra, it is difficult to review your essay because you forgot to upload the image for our reference. You can't expect too much help from us regarding the review of your work because of that. I can however, offer a general review of your essay based on format considerations.

Your summary overview is not appropriate. It is missing a number of important information in the presentation. A more appropriate presentation for this would be:

Charts were provided in order to assess the number of British students who could speak other languages aside from English. The years indicated for review are 2000 and 2010. This essay will present the summarized information along with a comparison of important features when required. Overall though, it is noticeable that Spanish proved to be the most popular other language spoken at the university during these two years.

I am unable to proceed beyond this point of reviewing your work because I have no way of confirming the information you have provided. Hopefully, you will remember to upload the image with your next essay and I can give you a more useful review within that essay. As for this essay, I don't think the review can progress beyond this due to the lack of image reference.

Writing Feedback / Parents and teachers task is to teach good behavior to children - by force? [4]

This is an extent discussion essay. Yet there is no reference to that discussion in your opening paraphrase. That makes the paragraph faulty and as such, will receive the appropriate points deduction. The proper presentation for this opening statement is as follows:

While everyone agrees that children must be taught how to properly conduct themselves in public at an early age, the method by which this should be done is debatable. Some people acknowledge that punishing children necessary in order to teach them the difference between right and wrong. I agree with the aforementioned statement to a certain degree.

I decided to use the "certain degree" discussion in this instance because, as I reviewed your essay, I realized that you had certain reservations regarding punishments and how it should be applied. Therefore, this extent essay needs to be "limited" in presentation so that you can discuss both sides of the issue.

I have a problem with the way that you wrote this essay. You wrote 329 words but you did not fully accomplish the task requirements. Due to the missing discussion points, you will definitely lose points that could affect whether or not this essay passes the test. Writing a lot of words, if it is not aligned with the prompt requirements is useless. Your statements need to be aligned with the prompt requirements in order for the word count to be of value in the final scoring.

Scholarship / Career Plan for Brightly Civil Engineer - Chevening Scholarship [4]

Ayu, don't just give a run down of the DFID investment in Indonesia. You have to explain how you plan to take part in the development of the engineering sector via the UK project. For example, explain that you will be looking to start your own company that will apply for funding from the DFID so that you can assure the UK government that their funding will be spent on their target projects and also, that you will collaborate closely with the DFID in the development of the project. Place the UK investment in Indonesia somewhere in the middle of the essay. Kick off the essay with your personal plans first. That way, you can develop a paragraph that will allow you to smoothly transition into the DFID discussion. Basically, this essay is all set. You just made a mistake in the positioning of the information. So you should just rearrange the the presentation in order to make it more effective. Follow the outline for the presentation as provided in the prompt requirements. That is why the UK information should be towards the end of the essay.