Undergraduate / College essay on moving from one place to another back to back and my experience with it [5]

Rishan, there is something highly familiar about this essay. I seem to recall having edited this exact essay about a year or so ago at this forum. Are you reapplying to college using the same essay? Did you have a profile here before that was suspended and you got a new profile so you can get free advice again? Please be honest with me here. I need to know if this is your original work or if you plagiarized this essay. With regards to the essay, it does not fit the prompt. It would be better if you changed it to the prompt that asks:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

This is less of an obstacle story and more of a background narrative. That is why I am suggesting the prompt change. If you wish to use this essay, then you will have to use a different prompt. If you want to use the prompt, then you have to change the essay.

Scholarship / CHEVENING LEADERSHIP; I have always disliked mediocrity and have loved excellence in everything I do [5]

Emmanuel, we have a one essay per thread policy in this forum so you will only be getting one review from me for the leadership essay. I have to ignore the rest of the essays that you wrote because multiple postings are against forum policy and as such, will be deleted accordingly by the admin.

In this essay, if you cannot expand the discussion to illustrate your leadership and influencing skills, then you should not mention it anymore. I refer specifically to the Nation Youth Service that happened in 2016/17. In reality though, this being your most recent foray into leadership and influencing, you should be expanding upon that discussion more than the Nigeria Christian Corpers Fellowship and your being an Evangelism Zonal Coordinator. The second experience is detailed enough to prove leadership and influencing. The more recent one, has the potential to make a solid presentation in your essay. I suggest that you consider doing so.

The 2016 activity related to the Sustainable Development Goals project sounds promising in terms of your leadership and influencing skills as well. I strongly urge you to just use the aforementioned 2 projects in this essay. Revise it to sound more interesting and so that you can highlight your appropriate skills in the essay. With the word count freed up from the removal of the unimportant presentations, you should be able to easily accomplish this task.

Scholarship / My desire to help the vulnerable. Chevening essay question on leadership and influencer requirement [3]

Janet, this essay is too wordy and over the 500 word limit. You need to shorten your presentations in order to make it more interesting to read. Omit the mention of the times when your undertakings failed because that is not the trait of a future leader and influencer, which is what this essay is all about. You need to portray yourself in the best light as a successful leader and influencer within the various socio-civic groups that you are a member of. Speaking of which, why is your essay focused on civic deeds instead of professional accomplishments? Do you not have any work at the moment or is this socio-civic thing your main profession? It would do your essay well if you can explain why you are referring to civic work for your leadership and influencing experience. It just might make your essay stand out among the other applicants. You can omit the sentence about "I may not have started the initiative..." because it does not seem to be related to the previous paragraph. It can be removed in order to bring additional strength to your last paragraph instead.

Graduate / What are some of occurances that have formed my point of view and the way I live now [4]

Rupali, you may want to remove the reference to your academic life in the essay because the fact that you cannot do those math equations now have nothing to do with your development as a person. Instead, you should try to talk more about the life learning experiences that you encountered in your professional and personal life. Those are the two aspects of this essay that can clearly depict the kind of person you have become due to life occurrences. You only present 2 sentences for your life in the corporate sector. That does not present the story as to what kind of experience you had there and how it would affect your point of view and the way you live your life now. For the experience in the new country, since you got married, maybe it would be better if you discuss how you had to adjust to married life in a country other than your own. What adjustments did you have to make? What did you come to realize about yourself as a married person?

Then add a final paragraph, one that discusses how the combination of these experiences and settings have created a unique individual that you are also just getting to know better these days. What kind of overall point of view about life and the way you live now do you now embody which has created this evolved or new person that we should be interested to get to know.

Scholarship / Chevening leadership and influence essay. My journey to become a leader in the future. [4]

Naseer, your opening paragraph has a problematic sentence. It does not have a properly developed presentation. You said, "Being an engineer in Ghor province, where I would like to be the first engineer who will get master's degree." There is no meaning to this sentence? What are you trying to say? So you will be the first engineer with a masters degree from your area. So what? What makes it special? Why should I care about that? I think it would be better if you just remove that sentence though. It doesn't seem to have a connection with the rest of the essay even if you improve upon its content. In both examples of your leadership skills, it would be better if you could at least give a description of your influencing ability instead of merely saying that you influenced this and that person. Remember, this essay is all about providing examples. So when mentions are not supported by narrative examples, your claims become weak and will be given less consideration by the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Many TV advertisements nowadays cause effects on children [4]

Lo, your official score for this essay will be only a 5 because of the inconsistencies of your task achievement. Your sentences are not very clear because you do not fully explain your ideas in the paragraphs. It is almost as if you just think of something that applies, you stick it into the paragraph, then move on. You are focusing more on your vocabulary presentation instead of clarity in your presentation. The only way for you to score properly in this type of test is if you manage to take one idea, present it at the start of the paragraph, then develop a clear explanation, without adding new information, within the paragraph. You can present a related example if you want, but you have to make sure that you use only simple sentences for now to make sure that the stress on the reader will be reduced because you are a long way from becoming fluent in the written English language. I am going to refrain from making any more comments on your essay based upon the other scoring criteria. For now, I want you to focus on how you discuss your paragraphs first. Even if it is not in perfect English, you can still manage to create simple discussions. Do not try to discuss more than one reason per essay because that is what is preventing you from properly discussing the essay.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree that progress is always good? [6]

Behzab did you provide the complete and original prompt for our consideration? Somehow, the prompt feels like it is a short version of the long original prompt. Always provide us with the long version of the original prompt because that is the best way that we can assess and assist you with the development of your writing skills. Right now, I can see that you have a good grasp of the topic provided for the discussion but you are not really well versed enough to realize the intricacies of the essay topic. That is why you made a crucial mistake in your second paragraph.

You discussed the progression of an illness and how it affects people when what you should have been discussing is the benefit of progressive scientific discoveries in the pursuit of a cure for the illness. The illness is bad, the result of the progressive study about the virus, is good. So that is not the right example to use in this essay. You could have just used the third paragraph as your second paragraph and had a better result for your overall score.

Remember, as long as you write a minimum of 4 paragraphs, properly developed and related to the discussion, you will receive a pretty decent overall score. When you write more with one paragraph misdirected, you adversely affect your final score as well. Always be careful and consider what the prompt is asking you really write about before you even begin to draft the essay.

Scholarship / Hard Work - being the "positive" role model for peers. Chevening essay on Leadership [9]

Adil, I reviewed the advice that I previously gave you and it seems that you still have not removed the reference to the academic leadership skills that I recommended. That is really not serving a purpose in an essay that demands professional examples of your leadership and influencing style. It takes up more than half the essay space. If you insist on using that reference, then keep it down to one paragraph. Just use it to establish your leadership beginnings, training, and influencing style. You can do that in 5 sentences. It does not require half the page. Lengthen your professional representation as best as you can because those are the leadership and influencing requirements of the essay. If you do not revise the essay to the letter, then it becomes too amateur in presentation and will not have the ability to influence the reviewer. Remember, you are trying to convince the reader that you are a future leader and influencer in your country. That cannot be established by academic criteria. That can only be measured by your performance as a leader and influencer in the professional world.

Scholarship / I carried out numerous leadership roles. Explaining my ability to influence others. [3]

Faray, your essay has some very strong academic qualifications for your leadership and influencing skills. You can actually open your essay with that first paragraph because it is impressive. You should however, make sure that you do not keep referring to the work of the team by saying "we" because the essay is about your leadership and influencing skills so say "I". You may also want to consider including an example of your influencing skill with regards to how you managed to encourage sponsors for your team and the building of your project.

Now, balance out the discussion by presenting one professional leadership and influencing essay in the second paragraph. Remember, the scholarship is looking for leaders and influencers who can lead the country in the future. That statement implies the need to prove that you are a trail blazer, a leader, and someone who commands respect and consideration in the professional decision making process in your line of work.

Presenting one academic and one professional leadership and influencing example in the essay allows you to show the reviewer how you developed the skills required by the prompt. It also proves that you are a person who is a born leader. That makes the essay more impressive to read than the current version that seems too focused on academic and extra curricular leadership and influencing abilities.

Scholarship / Acting proactively and reach out to people rather than sitting and waiting for somebody to approach [5]

Adil, you can remove the reference to your becoming an IELTS teacher for a few months. That is not really connected to your actual profession as that was something you volunteered to do. It is not necessary to present non-profession related networks unless you can somehow create a connection between your profession and your extra curricular activity. The sentence about "never eat alone" doesn't establish anything with regards to your network either so you can be removed from the presentation as well. At the moment, you can also remove the paragraphs about "legal firms" and the "I believe I was able to built" because your essay should have ended at the portion where you discussed how you plan to help Chevening access your network and why you believe that the network is something that will be beneficial to the scholarship program. Once you remove the portions I indicated here, the essay will be ready for use. It will be in its final form and you won't even have to ask for further approval before you use it.

Scholarship / Describing my leadership role at school and gained experience - Chevening Scholarship [6]

Daria, what was your leadership role at the school? I assume that you were a full time teacher there which is why you were able to make these observations and suggestions within your essay? In actuality, the first half of the essay has the potential to be an excellent platform for your leadership and influencing skills. The last part is not necessary. Just build your 500 word essay on the role you had at the school since 2015. The leadership discussion and your traits as a leader are strong in the presentation. What is not so strong is your ability to influence people or the decision making process. There is too much collaborative effort represented and not enough of your individual participation that resulted in influencing the decision making process of either the team or the higher administrative officers. That is the part that you need to improve upon. Keep in mind that there is a maximum word requirement so you just might need to revise the whole presentation of the essay in order to properly represent your influencing skills.

Scholarship / My impact to the community in Rwanda - answering Chevening question [4]

Katabarwa , your actual essay doesn't begin until paragraph 7. This is when your professional leadership and influencing skills truly take center stage. However, instead of presenting all of this information, since you only have 500 words with which to justify your leadership and influencing abilities, I would just choose 2 of these organizations to represent in the essay. In my opinion, you should build upon the RIDI discussion. Target a presentation that showcases how you led specific projects in this organization and more importantly, how you influenced others to cooperate with you when, from what I have read, this was not an easy task to accomplish. There is no "we" in a leadership statement only "I". The NCFG experience is interesting but does not seem to really imply a leadership role on your part. Perhaps you can skip the IT part and focus on your position as VP instead. That has an implied leadership and influencing role in the title of your position. I do not believe that you should remove the Kennedy quote because that is a notable definition of leadership and shows a sense of hope in the way that you are approaching your scholarship application. I would make the quote my opening statement instead, as that is where quotes are normally placed in order to ensure effectiveness and continuation in the reading material.

Scholarship / I choose to study in these three courses of different universities [3]

Theodora, your first 2 paragraphs are not necessary in this instance. Those are explanations that should be included in the university choices as part of the "future application" of the masters course you have chosen to study. It is not supposed to be the main point of the essay. What I noticed in your university choice discussions is that you only went to far as to discuss what you hope to learn. You do not discuss how you hope to use these courses to improve your profession. By improvement, I mean, if you complete this course, what direction does that take your teaching career in? What career path will open up for you by studying each course? That is something that the prompt asks you to explain in relation to your educational background, professional background, and future career plans (simplified version. The long form goes in the Post Study Plan). Paragraph 2 should actually be used as the opening statement for your post study plan which is why I am asking you remove it from this essay.

Scholarship / Profesional Reference Letter for Chevening Scholarship - She has worked well in two airports [7]

This is a pretty good essay except, it seems to be based more on hearsay and your performance in other departments aside from the one where this person is your direct supervisor. The reviewer needs to read more of "I have observed her to be... in the performance of her duties." and "I am impressed by her ability to perform..." or even "I noticed that when placed in a stressful situation..." You see, the recommendation letter is not about your accomplishments but rather, your performance on the job that could translate into you being a student with strong moral, professional, and academic ethics. It is not a continuation of your professional biography, which is what you wrote here. Focus on your skills and talents. Use the ownership pronouns to have the person describe you. Most of all, make sure the letter doesn't sound like the applicant wrote it, which is immediately obvious in this letter at the moment. Recommendation letters are supposed to be independently written. Reviewers are trained to spot letters that the applicant wrote themselves and had someone else sign it. Yes, there are instances when recommendation letters are verified with a phone call so be very careful about developing this sort of letter. Distance yourself from the content as best as you can.

Writing Feedback / The diagram shows the changes at West Park Secondary School since its construction in 1950 [2]

Tran, the overview summary is meant to help you write a better essay. It is there so that you can properly outline the illustrations provided, which then allow you to develop a better discussion for your analysis. If you look at what you wrote in the opening summary, you are lacking most of the important information for outlining in the essay. What is missing? Let me list it down for you:

1. You misidentified the drawings as maps. These are actually illustrations.
2. Aside from saying "over a 60 year period", you must indicate the years included in the illustrations.
3. You also need to indicate what you will be doing in the essay (comparisons, discussions, explanations, etc.) so that the purpose of the diagram will become known to the reader who does not have access to the information you were provided.

4. Your trending information is using the wrong English vocabulary which made the presentation hard to understand. (chances = changes, contracted = constructed, fractures = infrastructures)

You need to understand that you cannot just throw information into your analytical essay without making clear what years you are referencing and how it interrelates across the given years. I think the better format for your essay paragraphs would have been:

1. Summary overview and trending paragraph
2. Describe the school in 1950, prepare a transition sentence going into 1980.
3. Discuss the school in 1980, prepare the reader with a lead in sentence going into 2010.
4. Explain the changes in 2010

That makes the presentation clearer and easier to understand because it follows a chronological order of presentation for the reader to follow.

Scholarship / Developing Country's Airports is my long tearm goal [10]

The essay is strong but still weak in the UK consideration. There are many UK logistics related companies in various airports around the world. Those are all privately owned companies that are not affiliated with any projects the UK government has in your country. So those affiliations you are planning does not fully qualify for this essay. What you need to find out, is if the UK government has any sort of investment, rehabilitation project, or training program in coordination with your national or local government. Or even, if the UK government has a direct tie up with your aviation authorities in relation to the improvements to be made in your airport. It is vital that you prove a connection between airport rehab and the UK projects in Indonesia. That is the final consideration point for your application. Based upon my previous experiences with the applicants to Chevening that I have assisted, the only reason that they fail to make the final round of considerations is if the UK does not have an ongoing project in your field of expertise. That is why I am so concentrated on having you prove that point in your essay. It has to be UK government by the government itself as part of its outreach program or diplomatic relations opportunities in your country.

Scholarship / Chevening study in UK essay, my journey to become urban planner in the future. [6]

Nasser, save for the tense usage problem in this essay the content is acceptable as final for the discussion. You need to replace all instances of the word "could" in your opening statement with a reference to "have" as you underwent the activity in the past and therefore, already have an existing knowledge in that area. Also, in your first choice, change the term "according to my past experiences" to "based upon my previous academic and professional experiences..." That sounds more academic and is properly structured in terms of grammar and sentence development. The essay seems to be hanging a bit as I read it. Kind of like there is something missing at the end. Try to add a simple closing paragraph that reiterates your desire to see any of these academic plans come forth for you with the help of Chevening during the upcoming semester. This is already a strong statement that just needs a little grammar revision in order to make the reading smoother and more understandable to the reader. Good work. Just make the changes I suggested and use the essay. No need to ask for my final approval.

Scholarship / Chevening - My journey with Networking skills and how its made my life better [3]

Ali, your kidnapping has nothing to do with your networking skills. You tried to use the shock factor to catch the attention of the reviewer and it worked. The problem is, the rest of your essay doesn't portray any actual networking skills that will be useful to you as a professional and a Chevening scholar. Chevening is looking for a network that can help to improve their current roster of alumni related networks. All of which help to improve the career opportunities for their scholars, regardless of when they became a Chevening scholar.

Work on presenting your networking skills as a medical representative instead. As a med rep, you have the ability to network throughout various channels in the medical field. This is an untapped network in your essay that could very well help you present a strong networking background. You can mention 2 networks under this occupation. The first, is the doctor related network and the second, is the pharmacy related network. Both of which can impress the reviewer if you can create a solid explanation as to how these two networks can be of great use to you in the pursuit of your career highs and how the medical study scholars of Chevening can approach you for help in case they need mentoring or help from a person in the medical or pharmacy field. That would create the best possible networking essay for you. The current one that you have doesn't really function well in the sense of a networking essay.

Scholarship / Leadership essay. Demonstrate your potential for leadership include details of positions held [6]

Beryl, the part in your essay where you discussed your assistant leadership position can easily be transformed into a leadership reference. All you have to do is discuss how tasks were delegated to you. From that delegation, tell the reader how you decided to perform the tasks so that you would be seen as the leader in terms of the tasks provided to you. If you can discuss the success of the delegated tasks in such a manner that the senior project leader or whomever was the leader of the project showed confidence in your ability to fulfill the tasks by assigning you more leadership responsibilities, then the essay will better align itself with the prompt. The problem with your volunteer activities is that you were taking orders from someone else, but not really performing a leadership role. That is why I don't want you to use that example in the essay. But, as an assistant project leader, the element of leadership exists in the tasks that you are doing. So it would be a better fit for the prompt requirements. Do you think you can do that? You could use multiple assistant leader projects to illustrate the point.

Scholarship / My future plans on enhancing the quality of Indonesia's education [2]

Jennifer, this is a post study plan. The last thing the reviewer wants to read about is how your interest developed in this particular field. This is a forward thinking, forward moving, career development essay. This is not a reminiscing essay. You are approaching this essay as a personal statement, which it isn't. So you will need to write a more proper essay based on the following parameters.

1. Discuss what your immediate plans are upon returning to your home country and why it is important that you accomplish these plans on the short term.

2. Look for a UK supported project in your country that you can hook up with in an effort to help improve education in Indonesia. It can be a program they sponsor in your university or it could be an organization that relates to your profession. Whatever it is, just make sure that you highlight it as part of your essay because that is an element that cannot be omitted in the essay. It is part of the prompt directive.

3. Determine how your long term plans, say over the next 5 years can be affected by what you learn as a Chevening scholar and discuss how these plans can help to improve the education status of your country. Outline a simple plan of action if you can.

The point of this essay is to prove that you actually have a reason for your interest in this particular masters degree, that you will find it useful upon your return, that you are willing to help continue promoting Chevening through your association with a British supported project, and that your career will eventually show improvement because of the support you will be getting.

Scholarship / Leadership essay. Demonstrate your potential for leadership include details of positions held [6]

Beryl is there a possibility that these experiences, save for the first one that is college related, are all, in some way, connected to your professional career? The prompt is pretty clear about requiring experiences in leadership and influencing that show your ability to become a leader in your profession / country. What I am reading here are all volunteer programs and internships. Not exactly the impressive leadership type when you consider the professional aspects required by the scholarship.

Additionally, all of the information contained in your essay highlights only your leadership profile. There is no influencing profile that is of note in this essay. Sure you were an assistant project leader who got women treated. You were not the leader of this project and as such, did not have any real leadership or influencing role in the project. Your role in relation to those 2 aspects were minimal at best. What we need from you is a professional leadership and influencing profile. One that shows off your skills and ability that might convince the reviewer that you just might have what it takes to lead your country forward in the future. The discussion in this essay is only intermediate and doesn't really carry any weight in terms of information presentation and cannot impress the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 : Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good [5]

Alimin, your overall score for this essay will be a 4. The reasons that you are receiving this score are based on the following reasons:

1. The presentation of your ideas are not clear and isn't well supported in your discussion. The opening paraphrase is a disaster that doesn't really help the reader understand what the point of the essay will be.

2. The paragraphs tend to be highly confusing in presentation. Making it difficult for the reader to understand what the main discussion element or topic sentence of the paragraph is.

3. You have almost no control over word formation. This causes undue stress on the part of the reader who has to spend time analyzing what you have written just to be able to understand it on simple terms.

4. Your sentence development is really problematic. I strongly suggest that you try to do sentence development exercises in order to gain a better understanding of sentence development and so that you can learn how to control your word formation skills.

In all honesty, I would have held back on scoring your essay because of all the problems that it contains. However, you asked for a score so I had to follow your request and give you an honest assessment based upon scoring considerations. The outlined problems of your essay covers all of the problem points so you now know where to start with regards to improving your skills over your forthcoming essays.

Writing Feedback / The difference of consumption between chicken beef lamb and fish in a European country [4]

Hi Jessie. Listen, there is actually a proper format to be followed for the opening presentation of a Task 1 essay. You don't normally jump into the analytical discussion right off the bat. There has to be a basis for the discussion presentation. You need an outline for the reader to use as a guide. The suggestion, and this is something you can choose to follow or not, is that you write the first paragraph this way:

1. Present the topic for discussion
2. Present the measurement unit used
3. Indicate the inclusive years or other related information in terms of information gathering
4. Present the trend (if required or possible)
5. Present the discussion instruction as the thesis statement.

Now, while the concluding statement is an optional part of the Task1 essay, a complete paragraph presentation is a requirement for each discussion presentation. That means, your presentation is short on the number of required sentences. Try to present at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Don't use connected thought presentations as that lessens your ability to show off your sentence development skills.

Your analysis will also be better appreciated if you take the time to write more information in the essay. Look for cross reference points and similarities in the chart for your presentation. Be intricate. That results in a better and more complete presentation. There were times in this graph when chicken and beef crossed each other in the graph, that meant there was a point when the consumption was equal. That was not presented in the paper. Therefore, your comparison portion of the essay is not completely represented.

Writing Feedback / Allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters or not [3]

You have properly represented the requirements of the Task Accuracy section of scoring. There is a clear representation of your understanding of the prompt requirements in line with the topic discussion presentation. Your outline, as required by the essay, is accurate and helpful in representing the upcoming discussion. So you can expect to get a decent score in that section for your presentation. Believe me when I tell this because I have been advising successful test takers at this forum for a number of years now. You can definitely take my word for it when I advice you regarding improvements to your essay development skills.

The essay that you have written is actually very strong. In terms of presentation, your discussion considers all sides of the discussion and gives you the opportunity to fully develop the presentation. While some presentations, like the about the neighbors child is not fully developed, the reader tends to understand what it is that you are trying to say. You could safely say that there is very little stress on the part of the reader because your presentation is simple enough to be understood.

I applaud you for knowing that you need to separate your opinion discussion from the concluding statement. Also, that you know well enough to not present it at the end of the opening statement of the IELTS test. You have written this essay by the book and it has helped you create an acceptable and passable essay. There are a number of problems with your essay though that relate to vocabulary (spelling) and word usage. One important reminder though, do not use the abbreviation "etc." in your essay. That is only used in informal English writing. Not in academic writing like this essay requires.

In the essay, you misspelled the words "because" and you also used it to start a sentence. As a connecting word, "Because" should never be used to start a sentence as there is no though process to connect at the start of a sentence.

Problem with the conclusion. You still continued the discussion after summarizing the presentation of facts from the essay. A conclusion should do just that, end a conversation. It is not meant to allow you to have an additional avenue to present more information. You don't have the time nor sentence count to do that in the conclusion. Please avoid doing that with your future essays in order to increase your scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / The diagram presents the process of generating electricity from geothermal energy in a power plant [3]

Your essay is not effective in reflecting the C&C and GRA considerations of your essay. All of your paragraphs are composed of run on sentences. You have a tendency to simply connect your explanations through the use of commas. That reduces the coherence and cohesiveness of your presentation. That is why you must use periods rather than commas in the writing of your paragraphs. It is better to have interconnected sentences than interconnected thought presentations. You score better in the GRA and C&C section when you do that.

The aim of the essay must not be to write just enough words to make the minimum requirement. The aim is to present an essay that has enough words to prove that you are capable of writing complete English sentences in a manner that utilizes appropriate vocabulary and sentence development procedures. Make sure that complete paragraphs are presented because the 3-5 sentence requirement allows you to develop and present the appropriate English skills in written form.

Scholarship / Chevening networking skills-development of my networking skills through organization [2]

Suhartini, this essay must be written from a professional perspective because the Chevening program hopes to be able to use your network in the accomplishment of their goals and objectives after you graduate. All of the networks that you discuss in this essay have been developed on an informal scale. That means, you do not have a work related network that you can use to help you advance your career in the future. What is the use of having an informal network? They are not related to your workplace so it doesn't really allow you to enhance your potential as a professional . While you have a lot of stories to tell about these networks, you have not really established its professional relevance in your life. Sadly, there is no part of this essay that you can use for your application. You will need to revise the content of your essay to become more career relevant. Specially since you have to explain how your network will help future Chevening scholars achieve their own dreams and ambitions. You may want to look over the other networking examples here in order to find inspiration for the improvement of your own essay. I guarantee that you will learn something from the work of the other applicants here when it comes to how you can strengthen your own essay.

Scholarship / The more networks you have, the more opportunities you will get. Chevening Scholarship answer [4]

Mahmoud, please try to create a more professional networking presentation because right now, you are limiting yourself to an academic network that continues to help you get jobs. This is not a properly developed professional network because it is part of a cocoon system of your professional life. This cannot be considered a real network because you are not using it to help others, it only helps you improve your career opportunities. There is no risk involved and you have not required yourself to develop a network that is related to your career but not composed of your professors. This makes the essay pretty much useless in a sense. By the way, being an "events coordinator" does not qualify you as a person with a network unless that is your actual profession. From the way that you discussed it, this is not a profession for you, just a part of the controlled network that was created for you during your academic life. You need to show that you have a diverse network of professional contacts not related to your professors and the work that you managed to get through their influence. There is nothing in this scholarship that will tell the reviewer that you have a network worthy of Chevening attention / affiliation through your being a scholar of the program. This essay is not competitive enough to be placed in a side by side comparison with the other, more well prepared, extensively connected applicants.

Scholarship / I hope to achieve the success by the end of 2018. Chevening scholarship application leadership essay [3]

Quratulain, this is a very dry essay. It is not really informative because you summarize all of your information presentations. It only glosses over your potential as a leader and does not even touch on your influencing skills. This is an extremely short leadership and influencing essay. It almost seems like you are not being completely honest with the reviewer in your statements. Are you telling the truth? He could question a number of entries in your essay due to the lack of clear examples of your leadership and influencing skills. Indicating that your business is currently failing but you hope to save it does not bode well for your leadership skill neither does it say something positive about your ability to influence positive developments in your company. This is not a strong leadership and influencing example. Neither of them are due to the lack of proper examples relating to each profession and title that you held. I strongly urge you to be more specific in your presentation. Indicate relevant leadership and influencing skills that at least you have the potential to be both on a professional level at the very least. Remember, Chevening expects a lot of their applicants because they are looking for the next mover and shaker in their home countries. Being capable or good enough is not enough for this essay, you have to be the best.

Scholarship / Technology Policy Post Study Career Plan - Chevening [3]

Guntomo, don't tell the reviewer what you hope to learn after your studies in the UK. That is not the point of the post study plan. The post study plan is meant to help the reviewer understand the overall requirement that you have for wishing to complete your studies in the UK. Specifically, how the course will help you advance your career over the next 5 years. You may want to also consider how the UK has any special projects in your country that directly tie into your masters degree studies. The prompt for the post study plan requires you to create a post study or career plan that will give you the opportunity to pay back the scholarship program by helping them promote their objectives in accordance with existing UK projects in your country. You do not have that mentioned in your essay at the moment. If you cannot make the connection then, from my experience helping previous Chevening scholars, it becomes more difficult for you to win the scholarship.

Revise your essay to start with your mid range plans then write a paragraph about the existing UK projects that you can aim to assist in or help promote through a collaborative effort with the profession you are practicing. That will be sure to strengthen the essay presentation for your post study plan.

Scholarship / Being a Leader Require Excellent Capability - Chevening Leadership Question [2]

Guntomo, while I acknowledge that this is definitely a leadership and influencing skill, I am wondering if it will be enough to compete against the more career related, professional leadership and influencing examples coming from the other applicants. The fact that your leadership and influencing skill comes from the time when you were doing community service in college makes it less impressive for a number of reasons. The first, is that you had the assistance of the university in making the project happen. Sure you led the team and talked to various people in order to make the library a reality. That does not erase the fact that you were accompanied by a university representative during these times which made the negotiations and influencing situations more favorable towards your objectives.

In the review of the applications, there will be others who had to do certain things, similar to your community project, on a professional level. They did not have the opportunity to seek the assistance of their university adviser in the completion of their tasks. Things were not "rigged" towards their success as your community project was. That is why I feel that your leadership and influencing skill based on an academic achievement will not be enough to carry your application to the next level.

Have you started working yet? If so, in what capacity? Can you not consider any professional achievement one that can fall under the leadership and influencing criteria of the Chevening scholarship at the moment? I really wish that you could change the reference to one that will surely be more competitive when compared to the other applicants for the scholarship grant.

Scholarship / Building Network Takes Time and Patience - Chevening Networking Question [3]

Guntomo, you are only implying that you have the ability to create a network and that you have existing networks that yo work with in this essay. You are not providing information regarding specific organizations and organizations that you are a part of professionally. You need to outline what groups you are networked with, how these networks apply to your profession, how you came into contact with them, and what your status as a member of this network is at the moment. You have to prove that you have a useful professional structure of interconnected professional webs that can be called upon to assist you in your time of need in the workplace. Offer examples of how these networks have worked to your benefit and then explain how you plan to offer up the use of these networks to the Chevening scholar members who are pursuing the same professional goals as you are. Remember, the main point of this essay is to prove that you have a professional network that can be of vital importance to Chevening in the future. If you can prove that, then your essay will be half effective in earning you a spot for consideration in the final round.

Scholarship / My ability to succeed as leader and as follower in any given responsibility - Chevening application [7]

Mariam, you have indicated a semblance of leadership of a different note in this essay. Therefore, you do not have any problem with that aspect of the essay. However, when it comes to delivering an influencing example, that is where you have a bit of difficulty. I do not see any real influencing style delivered within the essay. Making a suggestion is not an influencing skill. Making a suggestion when there is opposition to your idea will require you influence the team towards doing what you think is best. Sending you a progress report and follow up reports so you can review data is part of job delegation, it is a leadership trait, not an influencing skill. If you could further develop the paragraph about you being the youngest on the team and having to motivate them to respect you so that yo could lead them towards accomplishing the task within the deadline, then you will have a stronger example of your influencing skill. The better Business Reference is not connected to leadership and influencing so it should not be mentioned in this essay at all.

Undergraduate / My Love For Technology: Common App Essay #1 [4]

Daniel, in response to your question, no, the new prompt that you decided to use is not applicable because the prompt is asking you to discuss something that you find relaxing that yo do alone. It does not require interaction with other people and it does not require you to do different things in a manner related to your college major. You need to discuss something that is like a hobby or a non-sensical thing that allows you to simply while the time away. It just needs to be something that introduces your manner of resting in between learning sessions. While it could be something that results in income for you, the fact that the essay that you wrote related to various activities instead of only one action makes it inappropriate for the new essay prompt that you chose as well. You really need to consider writing a more relevant essay based on the prompt requirement if you want to use this prompt for your common app essay.

I hope that I have clarified things for you. I look forward to seeing your active participation in the forum by helping the others here who are looking for comments and advice from their fellow students. I am sure they are eager to hear what you have to say about their work.

Book Reports / Making Sure My Analysis On The Short Story "The Most Dangerous Game" Make Sense. [2]

Damaria, I find that your analysis is too straightforward. It immediately provides a direct opinion of both characters without performing an individual analysis regarding the background, mindset, and circumstances of each man. Thus, when you present "romantic ideas" and "a modern civilized young man", the reader, who may not have read the story yet, could find himself confused. The analysis should first look into who these men are individually, then, based on their common beliefs, begin to discuss their differences in relation to their view about life. You have to remember that Rainford is the prey in this story and Zaroff is the hunter. So their mindsets truly differ about life and how to treat it. By first analyzing what or where their beliefs about life are based upon, then you can begin to discuss their differing animalistic impulses beneath the civilized veneers.

Scholarship / To become a great leader means taking stock of who you are, all your strengths and weaknesses [3]

Mohamed, balance the content of your essay. You have too much details presented about your socio civic activity and not enough about the professional aspect of your leadership and influencing skills. While both of the positions entailed use of your leadership and influencing abilities, the one that will be more of interest to the reviewer is your ability to lead and influence as a professional, rather than a civic leader. While both activities show off your potential to be a leader and influencer in your country, specially on the social side, the professional side is what the Chevening scholarship looks towards building due to the UK interests in your country. Develop at least 2 paragraphs each for the organization and your software development company. That should help to highlight your leadership and networking abilities, regardless of the situation that you find yourself in. Truth be told this is one of the strongest draft essays I have read here for this particular topic. So I know that you have the potential to catch the eye of the reviewer, provided you can develop the strongest presentation possible for this essay.

Undergraduate / Im applying for AUC in Egypt, and I would appreciate it if you take the time and look at my essay. [3]

Lujainne I am not sure what the prompt you are responding to is at the moment so I cannot really comment on the statement that you wrote. What I can tell you though is that it has a very generic feel to it because you are stating obvious reasons for your choice instead of comparative based decisions regarding your academic needs. What makes AUC stand out when compared to other universities aside from the American based education you will receive without having to leave your mother country? All of the subjects that you enumerate does nothing to tell me why you would choose this university over others. Why you would stand out as a student at UAC comes from something definitive about what you want to learn and how the university teaches it. At the moment this is just an essay that can apply to any university of your choice.

Scholarship / Showing clear examples of my networking skills... I can not differentiate it with Leadership's One [3]

Mohabatullah, in the second paragraph, you need to clarify if you established this organization as a student or as a professional already. That is unclear so the reason for the establishment becomes confusing. If this was established during your time as a student, then you need to indicate which international networks you were able to connect with and whether or not this network still exists. More importantly, you have to determined whether or not the organization you created was able to help its affiliate networks and vice versa. Remove the reference to your becoming a lecturer. That is better suited for the leadership and influencing essay. Talking about your participation in events, meetings, and building relationships with higher management is for the leadership essay as well. Everything you wrote after the establishment of the medical student association are all leadership information and do not belong here. I already mentioned how you can turn this into a proper networking essay. Develop that instruction and the essay should be usable for you purpose.

Scholarship / Some stories confirming my leadership skills. [Chevening] Leadership and Influence Question [2]

Timur, the tone of your essay is defeatist. Your opening statement tells the reviewer that you are not appreciative of the scholarship, you don't want the scholarship, but you are forced to apply for the scholarship. All reasons that are quite evident in the manner that you are representing yourself in your opening statement. I know you are trying to convey a simple personality and a humble leadership style but that is not what will get you this essay. If you are a strong willed person willing to go to lengths to get what you want out of your current position, then you will not be an effective leader now and in the future. Develop a stronger presentation at the start. Invoke a sense of confidence and willingness to do what it takes to succeed. Those are the traits that make an influential leader. Promote a sense of self belief in your abilities in terms of leadership and influencing. Your body of paragraphs in relation to leadership and influencing, along with the closing statement make a strong case for your application. It is the opening statement that makes is extremely weak and almost not worthy of consideration. If the reviewer does not finish reading the opening statement because of your inability to portray self confidence, then your essay may not help your application progress to the next level.

Scholarship / An experience which has given me an opportunity to be a better leader in the future [10]

Natasya, just present the discussion in terms of your professional background. Tell the reviewer what company you are connected with, what your current position in the company, and what your duties and responsibilities entail. You need to use only the professional background as the focus of your essay because that is more attuned to the prompt requirements. Right now, you are presenting short-cuts to your leadership and influencing discussion. Since you have been getting promoted on the job, each stage of work that you entered into granted you the opportunity to grow as a leader and influencer, so you have to present how that happened every step of the way in order to strengthen your presentation and catch the eye of the reviewer. The problem is not so much your language at this point but the presentation of the information relevant to the prompt. You can edit the grammar after you have properly aligned the content with the prompt expectations.

Scholarship / If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Chevening [3]

Mohamed, your essay will not be useful in your application. You are merely explaining what you believe networking means and how you have developed those skills for use in your workplace. There is no clear membership in any organization that is affiliated with your profession which can lead you towards career growth. You need to signify how you use various organizations in your workplace because of the differing work situations that you face which may require you to look to others, who are not part of your workplace for further assistance. It would be best for you to try and think about your membership in various organizations related to your work place activities or work skills development in order to better respond to this essay. You need to create an idea as to how these networks provide you with a work related benefit and then inform Chevening of the benefits this may bring the other scholars as well. The network you have needs to be presented in a shared contact manner so that your essay will stand out in usefulness.