Writing Feedback / Argumentative essay "International students should not be allowed to work while study in Aus." [3]

Philip, your essay has a number of grammatical problems. The first problem, is your fondness for using the word "Because" to start a sentence. The term "because" is a connecting word that is used to connect a previous idea with the next idea. Therefore, it cannot be used to start a sentence as you very often do in this essay. You also have a problem completing the thoughts in your sentences. You often place a period at the end of a sentence that has yet to complete its thought presentation. This creates a hanging sentence which, does not help create an authoritative image of yourself as a writing student. You have a tendency to discuss more than one topic per paragraph. This makes it difficult to keep track of the information and also, creates confusion when it comes to deciphering what you really want to say in the paragraph. Try to limit each paragraph to one idea or two connected ideas per paragraph. That way the reader doesn't get stressed out trying to keep track of the conversation you are presenting.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1 Wi-fi café, internet express and café cool in New York [7]

To, let me start by pointing out the problems with the essay. First of all, the indication of the figures is given in the chart is in the hundreds of dollars, as represented by the chart explanation of "000s Dollars". 3 figures is in the hundreds, 4 figures, in the thousands, 6 figures, in the millions. I really cannot find any indication that the income provided is in the millions of dollars. You once again failed to properly summarize the prompt requirement for presentation in the summary overview. You still have the same problems with regards to your run on sentences which prevent you from completing the minimum 3 paragraph requirement. You neglected to properly capitalize the names of the businesses, which are all proper nouns. You did not place a period at the end of the final sentence in the closing paragraph, thus leaving the sentence hanging. These problems will crate major score deductions in terms of the GRA considerations. You also forgot to discuss the overlapping income of Internet Express and Wi-Fi Cafe. These small problems always have big repercussions when it comes to scoring you so that it seems that you cannot get a score much higher than a 4 or 5. Depending upon what other considerations the examiner might have when scoring your essay.

Writing Feedback / Great role of big sporting competitions in our world [4]

Hailung, it is my opinion that you have written an essay worth a score of 6 at the most. While your conviction and tone is very strongly represented in your work, there are still a number of problems that have prevented you from gaining a higher score. One of the problems is the presentation of your opening statement. You presented a 2 sentence overview when the requirement is for a minimum of 3 sentences. You could have presented the reasons separately in order to meet that requirement or, you could have expanded upon the prompt restatement in order to create a more engaging opening piece. The conclusion also suffers from a similar problem. There is also an issue with your lexical resource. Evasion means to avoid something while invasion, means an unwelcome intrusion into another domain. Bear in mind that you will lose points for misused words. So if you are not sure of the meaning, do not use it in the essay. The wrong word usage affects more than your lexical score, it also has a direct effect on your GRA. So your otherwise strong essay was weakened by the problematic language representation.

Scholarship / Practical Example After Graduating - primary health center and health promotion media [6]

Diga, you must focus the attention of the reviewer on the single, most important, and most impressive undertaking that you will commit yourself to upon your return to your home country. By making him read about only one relevant, but meaningful project that you will enact upon your graduation, he will see the seriousness of your intentions and also, gain a better understanding of why you are dedicating your life to public health. Do not confuse the issue by presenting so many projects all at once. Just pick the most important one and discuss it. That way, you can better connect the project to the problem of funding that you are going to face upon the implementation of your project. As of now, you are trying to take on too much too soon. Start small. Just tell the reviewer about one problem. He will better understand what it is you want to do that way. Don't take on the whole problem in one essay. As the saying goes, "Pick battles small enough to win but big enough to matter". That is how you should represent your response in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Minority Languages to Die Out? - IELTS, task2 [3]

Noura, I am disappointed in the essay that you wrote because you did not develop the proper answer to the prompt requirement. You failed to properly understand the instructions for the discussion development. You are not being asked for suggestions regarding how to preserve the native languages, you were asked about your point of view regarding this practice. So somewhere along the way, you failed to understand the prompt requirement. This resulted in a mistaken discussion in your essay. Due to your prompt non compliance, this essay cannot get a score other than a 3. That is such a shame because you really wrote a very good essay. It just wasn't the right discussion to present. Since you are still doing practice tests, you have the opportunity to ask questions about the provided prompts. So seek an explanation first when you feel uncertain so that you will discuss the correct prompt and also, develop your​ English comprehension skills.

Graduate / Why you wish to pursue a career in journalism. [3]

Ankita, you have certainly written an impressive essay here. It really shows your passion and desire to become a very good journalist. However the impressive essay is marred by the fact that what you wrote isn't a statement of purpose but rather, a personal statement. So put a pin in this essay and save it for a more appropriate prompt discussion. You will need to write a new essay that will be more relevant for the sop based upon my suggestions below.

For starters, since you completed a different college degree, you need to explain what your first degree was and what pushed your decision to change careers at this point. The purpose for your enrolment will therefore become a career change. You may want to rehash the story from your childhood at that point. Move your age up to 13 instead of 10. Better yet, don't mention an age at all so that the reviewer will not question the reliability of the influence. It is the event that matters more.

Afterwards, you can, and should, explain why you ended up in a career far removed from your original interests. Then Depot what led you back to journalism. If you did any activities related to writing during that time, discuss it in this section. This will take the place of the required work experience in relation to journalism.

In the end, discuss the university that you chose to attend, the course you will enroll in and the factors that made you choose this university. Add information about how you hope to grow there and why you believe this choice is best given your skills and training. This would be the closing statement.

I strongly recommend that you make this an urgent thread once you have applied the revision so that I can continue to give your essay development there. Sadly, I can only advice you once in this thread. I hope to continue helping you finalize your essay soon.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: FAMILY vs FORMAL EDUCATION [5]

Lijing, what you did he was create your own prompt to respond to rather than responding to the prompt discussion requirement. Nowhere in the original prompt are you asked for the qualities off a good teacher. You are only getting asked to explain whether you are or disagree with the statement about parents being the best teachers. This prompt deviation on your part w will result in an automatic failure of your essay in the actual test.

The first thing you have to prove to the examiner is that you are capable of understanding English via the proper prompt restatement and succeeding discussion. Since you decided to create your own prompt and discuss that, you showed that you are able to understand English but cannot follow instructions. If you do not stick to the prompt requirements in your discussion, you cannot pass the test when it you do understand English and are capable of writing and speaking in the language.

Another violation of your essay is that you looked questions for the examiner as if you were speaking directly to the person and he can offer you an opinion. Do not lose questions in the essay unless you plan to personally respond to the said question yourself. This is not a physical discussion but rather an opinion paper and should be discussed in the same manner.

Writing Feedback / IMPORTANT FACTORS TO CHOOSE A JOB. [3]

Linh, you have done an excellent job of discussing this topic. Your language use and control is admirable and helped you to create a higher level of English writing, regardless of the minimal existence of grammar issues in your paragraphs. This is one of the few times that the essay writer has been able to accurately discuss and represent the prompt requirements to the point where the discussion presented actually has serious consideration value. The examiner will immediately notice that you took the time to perfect the writing of this essay which, by the way, could easily score anywhere between a 6 and a 7. It is this perfection that makes me wonder if you wrote the essay within the time limit or if you wrote it without regard for the actual exam parameters. If you wrote this beyond the required time, I strongly suggest that you try to write this way while practicing the time requirement. There is not much to critique in this essay because you show a clear understanding of the prompt and the ability to form simple to somewhat complex English sentences. Good job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: environmental topic, fossil fuels / other forms of energy [6]

Emily, unless you are specifically asked to do so in the prompt instructions, you should never write the essay from a personal point of view. The pronouns to be used here should be third person pronouns because you should be only informing the reader instead of trying to influence an opinion or belief. As such, your essay could be scored down for not properly representing the prompt instructions. You should also be careful of your grammar and spelling. Points are lost for careless writing such as "flues" when you meant "fuels". You are scored on grammar accuracy and lexical resource so by being careless in the way that you form the words, you show that you are not capable of writing coherently in English, thus further lowering your score consideration. Although you make some pretty good arguments in your essay, the mistakes that you made resulted in a lowering of your score from a possible 6 to a 5.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Two mail companies: TNT and FedEx [6]

Maiirkhan, your opening statement does not follow the required information for a task 1 essay. The information in that paragraph should present an overview of the discussion, as per the prompt instructions. It should have detailed the forthcoming discussion in order to create the image of coherence and cohesiveness in the essay since you are scored on how you logically and chronologically present your discussion. Failing to do that, as in this case, will force a lower task accuracy score. While the presentation of the information is acceptable, I cannot help but feel that you could have done a better job at informing the reader. Since you have paragraphs that are only 2 sentences long, you accidentally ended up creating more run on sentences than you expected. You can avoid that by using a period to separate information instead of a comma. Aim to present 3-5 complete sentences in the paragraph in order to increase the chances of a higher GRA score on your end. This essay though, should be able to score around a 4 based upon all the information I presented above.

Undergraduate / College Choice - quality and necessary improvements of my study permit essay for Canada [4]

Mehedi, you are wasting too much space on unwarranted information in this essay. There are only 2 points that your essay should focus on. The reason why you want to study in Canada and why you chose Mohawk College to apply to. The convincing points for your academic desire to go to Canada must be represented by your familiarity with the ability of Canadian colleges and universities to educate their students to become world class professionals. Do not belittle your country in the essay instead, use your country as the inspiration for your desire to study abroad. Explain how your industry will benefit from your training abroad. Rather than telling the consul what you hope to learn at the university, detail how you plan to go back to your country to help improve the field of 3D animation and technology there. The point of this essay is to convince the visa officer that you will not be staying in Canada longer than you have to after you graduate. So make your intention to return him upon graduating clear in your essay. You also need to detail how you will be paying for college and how you will sustain your expenses as a student while in Canada. Make sure that you imply that you do not plan to break the laws of the country when you get there and that you will make sure to only work within the parameters of your student visa.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: art-based subject can improve students' performance in secondary school. [6]

Agus , this essay is good when you consider that you successfully represented the prompt requirements in your opening statement. You remembered to represent your opinion at the end of the statement, which created a thorough outline for the discussion of our essay. Make sure that you understand the terms that you are using in the essay in the correct manner. For example, when you refer to singing, that refers to music and not art. By referring to singing as an art, which is partially correct, you misrepresent the category that the talent belongs to. Another important thing that you have to take note of is that you should only use personal knowledge and experience in defending your stand. Never use researched information like you did now because during the actual test, you will not have access to a live internet connection. All computers will be LAN connected only. So if you rely on researched information during your practice tests, you will be lost and possible fail the test when you lose internet access. The score for this essay could be 5 because you did a very good job of discussing the topic and your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Learning to play team sports is an important part of a child's education. [3]

Mayank, there is a problem with your opening statement because it does not accurately represent the topic for discussion and the given instruction pertaining to how the topic is to be discussed in the essay. You were being asked to agree or disagree with the topic and, this opinion, should have been presented as part of the discussion outline from the very start. Without that instruction, the essay seems to have taken a prompt deviation in the discussion. Which, we both know is not the case. However, people will think that because you prompt instructions were incomplete in the opening statement. In order to gain a better score, you need to make sure that all requirements for the discussion are properly represented in the opening statement. Next, the conclusion totally went off base when it came to wrapping up the essay. The concluding statement did not reflect information about team sports and your agreement or non-agreement of the given topic. The topic is about learning to plan Team Sports, not about team building. Due to these serious errors, the only possible score I can give you for this essay is 4.

Essays / Writing an essay on Science and Technologies: Designer babies [6]

Gina, if you are doing a debate about Designer Babies then you first have to know which side of the debate you will be supporting. Are you on the side that agrees with the development and existence of designer babies? Or are you to defend the opposing side? What you will research and how you will present the information totally depends upon the debate side that you are to be presenting. Since a debate is usually done by team, find out what topic will be assigned to you for discussion before you do any research. That way, you can easily prepare the proper rebuttal research in anticipation of the opposing side arguments during the debate. A debate is different from a research paper. The information I gave you above will help to prepare you for the debate. Make sure first that you are doing a debate and not a research paper because those require two different types of research and presentation.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: FAMILY vs FORMAL EDUCATION [5]

Li, your essay is... half baked, if we were to compare it to bread. It should have been a delectable representation of the prompt had you been able to appropriately represent your discussion using relevant examples and descriptions. Since you did not properly represent the prompt instruction as to how to discuss the topic, which had you either agreeing or disagreeing with the statement, you weakened what could have been a strong opening statement. Then, you made a comparison statement about books to scholars and instruments to teachers, but dropped the ball when it came to "parents are teachers to their children". The whole discussion is weak because it does not have any believable supporting information for your claims as to how parents are the best teachers for students. The essay is wanting for improvement in so many ways that this cannot possible score higher than a 2 in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Erosion of a headland - effects of waves in the coastal area [3]

Agus, the essay can probably get a 5 because you managed to present the obvious information in the illustration you were provided. While you would get a good score for this essay, that does not erase the fact that you did not manage to present the explanation of the erosion process in the proper manner. If you review the drawing, you will notice that each picture has a complete series of erosion procedures that combine to create the overall erosion. Each erosion procedure is equivalent to a single paragraph in the essay, had you explained each of the pictures in a complete paragraph manner. Bonus points for knowing how to use the examples given. However, the example is Durdle Door and Dorset. There is no comma between Durdle and Door, it is one word. The essay was already partially written for you in this instance, all you had to do was properly expand upon the provided information. With that said, you should know that there is still plenty of room for you to learn how to fully utilize the illustrations you are given to summarize. Just keep practicing. You have the potential to do it perfectly in the future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: energy use and greenhouse gas emissions in an average Australian household [7]

Po, I do not think you can get more than a 4 with this type of essay writing. While you started off strong with your highly informative and engaging summary opening, your writing quality and information dissemination fell in standard in the succeeding parts. This is because you decided to not really do the comparisons of similar points in the essay. You merely stated the facts. If you read the prompt again, you will see that the instructions you were given to accomplish in the task were two-fold. That of reporting the main data and then, comparing the information. This was not accomplished properly in the essay. Your paragraph development is also inconsistent because you opted to separate the thoughts using semicolons, which do not help you to meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement of the essay. While the semicolon does help you to present related information to a certain extent, it does not properly separate the presentations so that the essay becomes factual in presentation and allows the reader the space he needs while reading for the analysis of the information being presented.

Scholarship / 2. Master of Technology and Innovation. How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [3]

Ung, consider removing the points where you discuss what you will learn in the course and just keeping the sentences that clearly indicate the contribution of the study to your career. By assuming that the course has already been completed on your end and that you now have the opportunity to apply what you learned, you will be better able to explain the contribution of the course to your career. It would be best if you state what your personal goal is in relation to your career improvement aside from addressing the obvious problems that your country has which can be resolved by having competent professionals in the field working to resolve the issue. The last sentence of your essay is unnecessary because you are merely restating the prompt. That is not required in this essay. A simple and direct answer is all you need to provide in an essay, not outline form.

Research Papers / Film reception theory: The Interview Questions [5]

Le, if you are doing this as an interview of someone who is considered an authority on Akira Kurosawa movies, you need to use establishing questions first that will introduce your interviewee as an authority in the field. Some establishing questions you can ask of the person to help strengthen his position as a person who has a full knowledge of the topic are as follows:

1. What was your first exposure to Asian films?
2. Prior to attending college, what activities did you participate in that cultivated your interests?
3. Where did you study Asian Film Studies?
4. What is your current profession in relation to Asian films?
5. What was the first Akira Kurosawa film you saw?
6. What did struck you about his work the first time you viewed it?
7. What led you to do further research on Kurosawa's work ?

These sets of questions will help you further develop the authoritative position of your research and interview.

Writing Feedback / Should children start learning foreign language earlier? [2]

Good work Lee. You were able to properly assess the topic for discussion, present the reason behind the discussion, and offer the idea as to how the discussion of the topic would be presented in your essay. Your conclusion also adhered to the same pattern of restating the prompt and reasons in a manner that allowed you to close the essay in a strong manner. Though there are existing grammar accuracy problems in your work, these did not deter the reader from reading what you had to say to the very end. Mostly because the mistakes did not confuse the reader nor pose any problems in deciphering the meaning behind your words. This is a very solid accomplishment on your part. I do not doubt that if you continue to write in this manner, you will score no less than a 6 in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / England female unemployment rates in each country of the United Kingdom [3]

Emma, I would have approached the comparison presentation of the bar chart in a different manner. I would have done it either in a progressive (lowest to highest) or regressive (highest to lowest) percentage presentation based upon the year of the information. The country in the UK would properly represented anyway as I presented the bar information. By doing it that way, the mechanical nature of the presentation, caused by the obvious choice of just comparing the digits as it was presented, would have been avoided. It would have also allowed for a better analysis on my part, as the writer, of the information provided so I would have been able to present some additional information that might have been overlooked using your current presentation. By presenting the information per paragraph using the yearly basis, the essay would have also been easier to follow as it does not confuse the reader by combining the year comparison in the same area. Dividing the yearly presentation would have made it easier for the reader to recall the information as well.

The major problem of your essay is that you did not write enough sentences to qualify your statements as paragraphs. All of the presentations have only 2 sentences rather than the required 3 sentence (minimum) presentation. This mistake will definitely drag down your overall score, regardless of the strength of your discussion. You were also a bit careless and sloppy in your presentation because you did not use periods to create logical schools of thought within your paragraphs. Instead, you just created long run on sentences through the constant use of commas. Learn to use the period. That is a writers best friend and will always help to increase your scores far better than these run on sentences can.

Based on the aforementioned issues, I think your final score for this essay will be no more than a 4.

Writing Feedback / Residential housing - Alteration in America Village between 1994 and 2010 [2]

Hermin, as a rule of thumb, you will increase your chances of a higher score in the TA and GRA sections of your essay if you do your best to develop your paragraphs using the 3-5 sentence rule. The longer the paragraph, the better chances you have of developing complex sentences and an impressive lexical resource that could help to boost your final score. Your opening statement could have used the increased sentence presentation, as the concluding sentence benefited from your 3 sentence presentation. Aim for a consistency when presenting comparison information. It would be best for you and the reader if you do not mix the year presentations in one paragraph. Since you were provided with two drawings to use for the comparison essay, you could have discussed each image as a separate paragraph, creating 2 body paragraphs that accurately discussed the development and changes of the drawings while also setting your essay up for a more solid concluding paragraph. The improved conclusion would have been the direct result of the more informative body of paragraphs within the essay. As is, this essay would probably garner a score of 5.

Writing Feedback / If the students are underperforming, it is a sign that they have a bad teacher. Discuss [4]

Vy, I am not sure what you are supposed to discuss here and how. Rather than presenting an accurate paraphrasing of the prompt requirements, you decided to pose a question before the reader. Which would have been a good thing if you had only bothered to add an explanation of what the essay would be discussing and why. For example, you could have indicated that this is an opinion essay based upon the premise that "students under perform in school due to bad teachers. I will explain why I believe this is so." The current opening statement does nothing to establish the line of discussion within the essay, which is what is expected of the opening statement in an exam essay.

While the rest of your essay reasons make sense, you suddenly decided to contradict your line of reasoning for some reason come paragraph 4. Why is that? What kind of essay are you trying to really discuss? Why did you suddenly present this reason? You are leaving your reader with more questions than answers in this instance regarding your discussion topics and methods so that the confusion will be sure to affect your final score. Remember, you need to have a clear discussion outline in your first paragraph so that the reviewer can follow the flow of the essay and always know his place even if he stops reading for a while and comes back. You did not accomplish the informative objective of this particular presentation.

Writing Feedback / Sports stadium - the changes in an American town between 1948 and 2010. [5]

Andi, your essay does not put all of the information that you were provided with to good use. You should have used the compass provided on the page in referring to the locations or directions of the development in the town over the indicated number of years. Since you did not use the compass, your presentation suffered in terms of accurate representation of locations within the summary report. This caused a sense of stress and confusion for the reader who was trying to analyze your work or use the summary you wrote for information. It also made the essay you wrote less informative than it should be. Remember, when you are presented with specific information in the illustrations, you must do your best to utilize the information in order to increase your overall score. The score increase will come from the complex sentences that you can possibly develop using the information provided, as well as prove that you have a good grasp of the English language through your lexical resource use. Based on these writing pitfalls that exist in this essay, I think you only possible score would be a 4.

Writing Feedback / Two Shops: The maps below show the village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010 [3]

Restuan, even though you wrote a little over the 150 word requirement, it was not enough to get you a better score for this essay. That is because you failed to accomplish some expected tasks within your essay. Tasks such as an informative summary overview composed of at least 3 sentences, and the mechanical nature of the presentation shows that you just did enough work based upon the existing information. There was no analysis of the information and an effort on your part to present the information in a more personal way that shows a better understanding of the illustration you were provided. It was this type of writing that prevented you from increasing the possible final score for your essay. I don't think you can score higher than a 4 with this practice test. You need to try and apply your English comprehension and analytical skills in your writing. This will require you to better analyze the information that you are provided with and also, force you to write more complex English sentences. Both efforts, if successfully delivered on your part, will definitely result in a better score consideration for you in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Buildings and environment - The maps and changes in an American town between 1994 and 2010 [3]

Diah, good work on the analysis of the essay. You were able to accurately use the map and the provided compass in the development of your paragraphs. I applaud you for creating a fresh sounding and less mechanical presentation of the information you were provided. You clearly did more than just take note of the obvious information. You actually bothered to create intricate connections between the changes covering the period provided. A minor mistake in your grammar though, there is an "n" where you meant to say "in". I think that was a slip of the finger on the keyboard though. Be aware of what letters you are typing and make sure to proof read your work prior to submission. You don't want to lose points on a technicality. Additionally, you did not bother to properly conclude the essay with a concluding paragraph. It would have helped to increase your score if you had done a concluding analysis of the content. A summary of the presentation that noted the most significant changes in recap would have sufficed. Your score for this essay could come in at a 6 at the most.

Writing Feedback / People house change - the village of Stokeford in 1930 [3]

Hermin, while your paragraphs are well representative of the illustrations provided, you did not really manage to present the most coherent and cohesive information in every paragraph. This was caused by the shortness of the paragraphs that you presented and some wrong formatting of the paragraphs. For example, in the first paragraph, you were expected to present at least 3 sentences in the overall presentation of the summary. By presenting only 2 sentences, you prevented yourself from improving your task accuracy score which would have proved that you understood the prompt requirements. All you had to do in this instance, was rephrase the instructions you were provided in order to create a proper outline for your essay. Regardless of that error, you managed to present a very interesting take on the illustrations, a presentation that would probably result in a score ranging from 4-5.

Writing Feedback / New buildings - The maps below show village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010 [3]

Diah, excellent work in presenting an original take on the illustrations other than simply stating the mechanically obvious information. Your presentation shows that you analyzed the information provided and did your best to compare points of similarity and difference between the time periods. One question though, what did you mean by 8 periods in the first paragraph? If you meant to cover a period of 80 years then you should have said "80 years" or "8 generations", 8 periods is not the correct term to use in this instance as it does not make sense in the overall presentation. The excellent discussion that you delivered could garner you a score of 6 with this essay. You successfully applied your observational skills in the development of your information and presentation, which paid off in the final scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / Change in town - the alteration of Stokeford village in 1930 and 2010. [4]

Septi, you can probably get a score of 5 with this essay. The essay could use some less mechanical approach to the presentation by appropriately presenting the comparison information. You did well by dividing the comparison into areas based upon the old and new land divisions. However, you tended to confuse the presentation because you merged the information for 1930 and 2010 during some points. It is always best to indicate the year you are discussing at the beginning of the paragraph and then, present the next year before you present the new set of information, still within the same paragraph. Don't leave it for the end. It is important to mention the year first so that the reader can keep track of what information is being presented within the paragraph. You did some pretty good analysis on this essay. However, the comparisons were affected by the problematic presentation. Don't worry though, you were accurate enough in the presentation that the information was somehow, still understandable by the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Recent figures shown an increase in violent crime among youngsters [2]

Mayank, the first thing that struck me in your opening statement is the mistake in your term usage. You used the term infant to describe the juvenile offenders. Since an infant is aged 0-2 years old, there is absolutely no way these children can do the sort of crimes implicated in the prompt. This mistake in your use of lexical terms will cost you a tremendous deduction in lexical resource points. This shows a clear lack of understanding of English terms and the inability to use the term properly. While the rest of your essay supports your agreement with the prompt, this glaring lexical mistake, along with the problematic grammar and sentence development will result in this essay possible getting a score of 5. While your line of reasoning shows promise, the two problem points held back the possible higher score of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Two Coins - A company to build a large factory near your community [3]

Farid, when you write your opening statement, please do not forget to include your personal opinion as required by the essay. That is because the first paragraph needs to properly outline the discussion for your reader. It serves as guideline for the upcoming discussion and prepares the reader for the information you are about to present. In this instance, the paraphrased requirements does not reflect that your personal opinion on the matter is required. So when you present your personal stance, it seems to be out of place in the essay and becomes an non-required set of information. If it is not in the paraphrased paragraph, the assumption is, it should not be in the essay. Now, since the examiner knows exactly what the original prompt requires, when you miss presenting it in your essay, you will be marked down for it. Such as is the case with this particular essay. I don't think you can score higher than a 3 because of the missing prompt elements and, the problem with your conclusion. The conclusion should not have included your personal opinion on the matter. All required elements for discussion should be presented, at all times, within its own paragraph. Never include new information in a closing statement because the essay will end on an open note instead. A properly written essay needs to end the discussion in the final paragraph by presenting the summarized facts of discussion and a reminder of your personal opinion alone. Nothing more, nothing less. Points will be deducted for the improper closing of an essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2_women who do not plan to have careers should be allowed to get post-grad degrees or not [2]

Phone, your opening paragraph was almost perfect. Almost perfect because you dropped the ball in the last sentence. You should have completed the presentation of the opinion by saying that you are convinced that every woman has a right to do what she believes, when it comes to her education and that includes attending graduate school. The opinion that you stated was incomplete as it did not accurately address the prompt topic. You were off course by just a very little that it saddened me to see such a slip up on your part. Your arguments are obviously coming from a very personal place and reflects your strong conviction regarding the matter. This is truly one of the better developed essay discussions on this forum, regardless of the grammar problems. In fact, those grammar issues are so negligible that I am not hesitating to score this essay a 6 based upon the strength of your developed arguments. It would have been a 7 if you had just given a more proper opening statement and a better developed conclusion. The problem with your conclusion is the presentation of additional information regarding women instead of simply summarizing and concluding the essay. You have to remember that the closing statement can never be used to present new information as that requires additional discussion that will not allow you to properly close the discussion you have presented.

Graduate / Nursing is limitless; Nurse Practitioner personal statement [2]

Melissa, wanting to include the school motto or core values in your personal statement is a nice touch. Just don't make it so obvious by incorporating it into the essay using quotes. Try to make it seem like a natural part of your paragraph development instead. The reviewer will not appreciate the obvious pandering that the quotes imply. It would be best to incorporate it seamlessly into your sentence development, followed up by some anecdote or simple act on your part that proves how you embody those traits. The overall essay is well developed and really has strong potential. However, the concluding portion, that begging for consideration, doesn't come across well on screen. It would be best if you don't beg in the essay. Leave that part out of it and just close the statement with the hopeful paragraph above it. Remember, just remove the quotes and the essay will be all set.

Writing Feedback / Replacing Factories : The map below shows the alteration in an US town between over 62 years [3]

Restuan, the comparison summary essay should have been divided into sectors that represent each sector of the 1948 and 2010 era spaces. That way you could have done a comparison of how each part had changed over time. You have to work harder on developing a summary sentence because the one that you wrote for this essay is very confusing and does not really reflect the kind of summary overview that the graph provides. Your essay should be composed of at least 4 paragraphs in order to possibly gain a better score. Your longest paragraph is paragraph 2. There must be a uniformity in the length of your paragraphs. Each should have at least 3 sentences in and a maximum of 5. The way you wrote your essay is inconsistent with the requirements of a task 1 essay. Both your opening summary and concluding presentation are faulty and short of the required elements. As such, you cannot expect to get a score that represents your actual abilities. The score that best represents your abilities in this essay is a 4.

Undergraduate / State Drill Competition; Testing leadership abilities/ COMMON APP [3]

Lizzbetthe, going rogue and disobeying a higher authority is not a leadership skill that is to be admired. Even if it did help your team win a place in the competition. A true leader knows how to respect authority in the face of disaster. He does not go rogue and engage the drill instructor in a battle of wills. A true leader would have worked with the drill instructor instead in order to rally the team, calm the nerves of everyone, and get the team working together to solve the problem. You decided to show off by disrespecting the drill instructor. Everything that you did, though leadership in style upon first reading, quickly translates into a trait that shows disrespect for higher authority, a tendency to not follow orders, a tendency to usurp leadership, and a devil may care attitude. I suggest that you change the slant of the essay to one of unification rather than divided till the end. Involve your leadership skills in a manner that shows respect for authority, the ability to create a secondary leadership role without disrespecting the first leader, and an ability to bring a team together, even when in the face of near disaster. That shows a true and selfless leadership trait.

Writing Feedback / Which school facilities should receive money from the local authorities? [3]

Dang, the entire premise of the essay is not clearly presented in the opening statement. The topic for discussion seems to be presented however, there is no clear outline as to what the expected successive discussions were supposed to be about. Is this an opinion essay, a comparison essay, or an argumentative essay? The reader is coming into this essay with incomplete information and without forewarning as to what discussions are to follow. Therefore, the essay does not follow the correct format requirement. In any type of essay that you write, for any sort of English exam, the one constant is that the opening statement needs to present the following information:

1. The topic for discussion.
2. The reason for the discussion.
3. The kind of discussion that is to follow.

When any of these three basic opening statement features does not get included in your presentation, the essay fails to properly address the task requirements and information presentation. So the essay becomes weak and confusing the reader. While your reasons are understandable to a certain degree, I do not understand why this topic is important for discussion and why it is being discussed this way. The score will not be so good for this essay overall in an actual test setting.

Undergraduate / Pitzer Transfer - music & academics [2]

Moira, rather than presenting that situation as the opening moment of your essay, it would be best if you replace it with a reflection on how you began to develop as a student leader first, then present the story as evidence of the most recent development of that aspect of your leadership skills in relation to student engagement. At the moment, the essay makes it seem like you were thrust into this world without any preparation and yet, manage to succeed. While the whole essay is informative and engaging, it lacks a backstory that would help the reviewer to understand how you ended up as a student leader and why you have a natural desire to engage people, not necessarily students, into social activities. In my opinion, you should insert the current opening statement between paragraphs 3 and 4. By doing so, it will help to break the monotony of your essay which is currently very factual in presentation. By inserting the anecdote at that point, you will be able to create new interest for the remaining paragraph presentations.

Undergraduate / Trips to London ;Johns Hopkins Supp/ Interests [3]

Will, there is a disconnect between the opening story and the rest of the essay. You never did explain why your mom looked worried when the train left with you and your brother on board. Basically, the adventure tells the reviewer about your London exploits and how you enjoyed it and what you learned from it, but it doesn't tell the reviewer anything about you as a person. Who are you beyond this person who is always so academically inclined? This doesn't really reflect an interest on your part but rather, an expression of your continuing education. I think that if you remove the reference to "The Tube" and just focus on your trips to London and what you learned over several years about your personal development, as well as the increased academic interest on your part, the story will be one that better informs the reviewer about a side of you that the other prompts did not allow you to present. Focus on presenting either your personal and academic development or, make this a lighthearted essay about the time you spent on the Tube. Don't try to mix the two as it divides the focus of the essay and the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / The different condition of American town in 1948 and 1950 [4]

Antasena, you are required to post the image along with your essay for all your posts so that we can have a comparison point for your summary essay. It would seem though that you were able to summarize the image to a certain extent in the proper manner. However, the 154 word count doesn't help to establish the grammar range and accuracy of your work due to its brevity. For this type of essay, you must aim to write a maximum of 200 words in order to gain a higher score overall. Your paragraphs often fall short of the 3 sentence minimum requirement. This is why your essay seems to not fully inform the reader and offer a more complete analysis of the image your were provided for the essay. Do your best to create comparison points whenever possible and also, add a more personal touch to your writing so that you do not seem like you are merely rattling off the information as indicated. Such efforts will result in a higher GRA score on your part as well as an increased score possibility in the TA section.

Research Papers / Pressure on Teenagers to Go to College - Research Essay Draft [2]

Ashley, the main problem with your research paper at this point is that it is composed of more than 50% in-text citations. Should this paper be run through a plagiarism checker, it will be flagged as plagiarized. The only way to get around that problem, is to better develop the information in your sections and sub sections by utilizing personal experiences, opinions, and explanations of your researched information. Without the addition of your personal data and understanding, the essay takes on a purely textually researched approach which will not prove any true meaning or understanding of the research on your part. If you notice, each section of your research is no longer than a paragraph. A better researched paper will have at least 3 - 5 paragraphs per (sub) heading in order to show that the information is something that you believe in and support as a major piece of information regarding the topic in your essay. It would be best if you try to develop each section as best as you can in order to remove the possible plagiarism instances in the essay.