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Posts by Holt [Educational Consultant]
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Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / Barnard - majored in unafraid - The only girl in Computer Science [8]

Mualla, is there any chance that there was a different time in your life when you majored in "unafraid" based upon something that is not related to Math, Computer Science, or STEM? I am only bringing this up because there is already a major redundancy in your essays. All of your topics focus on the same discussion, this can pose a problem because the reviewer can get tired of reading about the same topic over and over and over again in different prompts. He is not getting to know who you are beyond your love for these 3 fields of learning. Each essay you write should strive to try and represent a different part of you when the topic pertains to a common prompt. That means that it is not "major" centered. This is a written interview so you need to shake it up and change your focus every so often. Just as you would in a regular face to face interview.

While this essay is sheer perfection yet again, the reviewer does not see you constantly overcoming any other obstacle except sexual discrimination. We need to avoid boring the reviewer with your topics. If he sees that you have discussed the same topic for 3 or more essays, you are risking him simply skimming the beginning of your essay and not really paying attention to what you have to say anymore because you always say the same thing in 100 different ways.

Sorry if I am blunt about this, but I am trying to improve your chances by showing varying facets to your life experiences, life abilities, and life direction in general. We are overly focused on STEM, Math, and Computer Science at the moment and it could really get tiring , boring, and repetitive for the reviewer to read.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

Hi Mualla, I think that the whole presentation of the essay is very good and offers some solid examples of how these commonalities would benefit you as a student at Lehigh. By the way, I noticed that you used the example I gave you. I did not think it was worth adding to your essay because it sounded so silly. Now that I read it as included with the other text, it did add some humor to the serious essay. So that made the essay lighter to read. I'm glad you thought of it.

The concluding paragraph doesn't feel right to me. It doesn't circle back to the commonalities prompt discussion. Is there some way that you can do that? I could try to do it by saying something like:

College life is hard enough with all of the academic demands placed upon a student. Going to college at a university where life will be made a bit easier for me through our common goals and pursuits would remove some of that stress and increase the enjoyment factor of learning for me. I believe that I found that in Lehigh.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / 'There is no point in going to college.' Why UChicago - Purpose of education [5]

Angela, the essay is too wordy, deviates from the prompt because you want to discuss points of quotation instead of directly addressing the prompt requirements, and has the reader losing focus and interest because you did not get to the point of why you chose UChicago until you got to halfway within the 3rd paragraph. By this point, the real reviewer will have decided that your essay is not worth it to go through the whole essay. You have him searching for the response to the prompt rather than delivering it to him by telling or showing him an immediate answer.

Keep in mind that the essay prompt is double bladed and is testing your resolve as a student when it comes to analyzing instructions. Note the warning:... but we cannot promise that an overly wordy essay will hold our attention for as long as you'd hoped it would. Do you really want to risk that? Let me put it this way, the warning says Keep it short or I'll move on to the next applicant. Don't waste my time. Reviewers always tend to favor the short and highly informative essays. The essays that come from students who would rather get to the point quickly then prove their vocabulary prowess through the essay when it is not warranted.

I am not going to convince you that you should shorten the essay if you do not want to do that. All I can do is remind you that these prompts are also meant to test your ability to say what you have to say in the quickest and shortest way possible. That is aside from testing your ability to analyze instructions and follow them. Even when you receive 2 seemingly contradicting instructions as in this case.

As a college student, you will not have all the time in the world to write your papers. You will have both word and time constraints to battle and that when you are not in the classroom. The reviewer knows the demands of the academic work on the students. The fact that you dare to not take note of the warning shows that you are a risk taker who will probably struggle to follow the rules of the university. The whole application prompt is an additional test for you. If it were up to me, I would stick to either being below, slightly above, or exactly at the "suggested" word count. Of course, that is just me.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / I'd be able to take my knowledge into practice in the real industry; Georgia Tech application [9]

Shraf, your essay has truly come to represent the prompt you were provided at this point. However, I think that you are doing your best to meet the 150 word requirement when it is not necessary that you do so. Provided that you present at least 100 words, the response will come out informative.

Really, you don't need to present such a long introduction at the start of the essay before you get to the actual discussion. The reviewer doesn't need a rehash of what he already knows about the university or why you feel that you will succeed there. That is a redundancy that is found in the other prompt essays that you already wrote.

Instead, just start the essay at " Georgia Tech provides many research opportunities..." That full paragraph will come up to an informative 107 words. More than enough to qualify as a well developed and informative response to the essay prompt.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / The Emotion Revolution - "Why Yale?" Supplement Essay. [5]

Muhammad, Hogwarts parallelism aside, your essay doesn't really deliver a strong reason as to why you have chosen Yale. Discussing how you researched the university doesn't offer much confidence in the reasons as to your decision. If anything, I would have told the reviewer that as a staunch supporter of the LGBT community, you were drawn to Yale because of the Trans@Yale program. Quickly explain how your advocacy ties in with the organization at the university and how you hope to positively contribute to the trans community at Yale and you should have a more effective response in place. I would not use comparisons with Hogwarts and also avoid talking about the structure, location, places, and any general reference to your choice. Those are the usual approaches to this essay and in order to make an impression, your statement has to "pop" within 100 words.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / AI and robotics. Common App Transfer Essay- There isn't any research related to my areas of interest [4]

Hareesh, you don't need to over complicate the essay by telling that anecdote at the start. Just get to the point because the reviewer doesn't have all the time to analyze what you have written. If it won't give him direct information, then don't present it. Try to create a balance in the essay regarding why you want to transfer and why you chose this particular university to transfer to. 80% of what you wrote it all about why you are disgruntled with your university, which is fine, but doesn't really tell the reviewer why you chose to transfer to his university. So, in an effort to present a balanced discussion, use only 50 of the essay to complain about your current university and the other 50%, for explaining why you believe that this change of university is logical and why you feel that you will have more success there. Be objective and talk about how you understand research works at the university and what your research objectives are which will help you become a better student there.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Never gonna give you up - Cal Tech supplement [2]

Hahaha! Andy, this is one heck of a way to spend your free time. Rickrolling is certainly going to turn you into a master of pranks, one of the more memorable ones at Cal Tech if you manage to get admitted. A reference to FLOTUS Melania Trump rickolling the audience when she gave her speech at the RNC would probably add to the humor of the situation. She rickrolled a whole convention center! Which could probably serve as the basis or explanation for your school wide rickrolling idea. Yeah, I think that will add humor to the situation and make the reviewer anticipate the outcome of your own rickrolling scenario. Try to avoid redundancy in the essay though. Don't close it using the same lyrics to the song. Try to find another line or stanza that would make for a fitting conclusion to your response. I am still laughing while I read what you wrote.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

Alex, when you discuss this talent of yours, it is important that the reader understand the kind of audience that your video, based upon this talent is meant for. What is the demographic involved here? Explain how you developed this fan base and then, only after that, can you present the video that went viral for you. That way, the talent and how it developed becomes less important than the actual point of the essay which is "What is the video about?"

In response to the prompt, you actually gave an answer on 2 fronts. The first is "The video is about my talent of speaking backwards." The other is the explanation about who wrote the poem and why it made for an interesting video to present on Youtube. If this is an actual thing that happened, please make sure to mention the number of views, likes, and positive comments that you got. It will help show that there is a real interest in this kind of work. Don't forget to provide the url to your channel in the section that will allow you do that. Just so they can see the talent for themselves.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / She knows what it feels like to be strong in STEM as a female. Barnard [5]

Mualla, at this point, you should make reference to how Katherine Johnson broke the glass ceiling by outperforming men in a field of science that was normally limited to only scientific and math achieving men. That is, the sole purpose of your conversation with her. To find out how she managed to create such an impact in that world so that you can inspire the other women in your country to reach far beyond that world that seems male dominated at this time.

Late on in the essay, imagine what kind of inspiration you might be getting from her words. I am sure you are familiar with the background of this woman so I would like you to insert something inspirational that you know she has said. That you feel all women need to know about and realize the meaning of, in the same way that you did, upon hearing her say it during the talk you had with her. Remember, you heard her say it, you did not read it or get it from any other source. That is what will make this talk all too meaningful and important to you.

I vote for the closing sentence in blue because it brings the discussion around to you. That is always how all your essays have to end, even if it asks you to focus on a different person for majority of the written discussion. You are never going to be the second stringer in these essays. You will always be the prime person involved.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / I'd be able to take my knowledge into practice in the real industry; Georgia Tech application [9]

Shraf, I think that with a max word count of 150, you should opt to discuss only one particular reason that you were drawn to apply for admission to Georgia Tech. That way, you can clearly focus your explanation on the academic reason that you believe your interests will be best served by attending the university. If it were up to me, the response would focus on the Opportunity Research Scholars Program and how you plan to fully utilize the program to benefit you as a student. You already have a strong foundation for the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. All you have to do is expand on the discussion while deleting the earlier parts of the response. It is best to always consider the method by which you can develop your strongest response in a word limited essay. In all instances, one of the best methods to utilize the word count is to not try to discuss to many topics, which end up under developed and as such, doesn't really help to make your essay stand out as a response.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

This is a very well thought out an developed essay Muallah. My apologies for the delay in responding to you. I had a power outage that kept me from getting online till now. I promise to get to all of your essays for review as soon as I can. Don't worry about all the supplements, I am always here and eager to help you out. January 1? Here we come!

In the paragraph where you discuss your commitment to research, I think that you can add some information about how you plan to spend your time doing research on Lehigh either on a continuing project that you have or simply as a voracious student of research who would research anything from how dust settles on the ground to the application of power bank use on non-usb devices. I know, it sounds crazy, I don't know what i am talking about here, but it's just me talking about how you can better reflect your thirst for continued research using Lehigh's facilities. The increased commonality being that the school encourages research and you are one person who appreciates being pushed to follow up on things of interest to you.

In the last paragraph, I am not sure if you really meant to write the world inclusion with the capital LU. Maybe it was a typo? Anyway, I am pointing it out for possible editing and correction. Just in case you missed it.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

Hi Andy, this is a one essay per thread forum so the rules tell me that I can only respond to one essay in this thread that you started. Not to worry though, just post the second supplemental essay in a new, dedicated thread and I am sure everyone here will jump in to help you out. In the meantime, let me focus on helping you with your first essay.

I would like to start by commending you on having the right sense to respond to the essay with an anecdote that clearly displays the Caltech prompt and its requirements. The display of honesty and integrity on your part is truly commendable and yes, you did deserve more than just a regular size Hersheys bar. I would have at least delivered you a reward that cost at least half of what you returned to me.

Just one critique though. You should have further developed the method by which you arrived at the solution to the problem. What possessed you to blurt out the question so loudly? Exactly where were you located that you managed to disrupt at least 3 classes? I believe that by being specific about why you thought shouting it out was the best solution, with some humor injected, will show the reviewer that you had "teenage common sense" at the time and find it even funnier. Aside from that, the essay prompt is properly responded to and reflects a sense of humor that the reviewer will definitely enjoy and remember.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Common Application for both The Georgia Institution of Technology & the University of San Francisco [2]

Shawn, is the interest that you are sharing in this essay still related to your choice of college major? If it is, then you have to change the slant of your essay. Basically, this prompt isn't interested in getting know more about your major, it is all about getting to know you beyond the academic side of your personality. Share something with the reviewer that isn't related to studies. It should show how you relax, a hobby, or an activity that you enjoy doing because it helps you become or be a better person.

You have written an essay that tells the reviewer information instead of sharing something that shows him about the background, identity, or interest that you wish to share. Even if you are writing about something not related to your major, I do not get a sense of YOU in the essay. This is more of an opinion piece rather than a "getting to know you" platform, which was the original intention of the essay prompt. So some adjustment to the content is definitely in order.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Graduate / Request for further improvements on my application essays (content, logic...) [6]

Yao, the type of question that you opt to write about should be based upon what you feel your background as a student or as a person can best represent in the essay. I cannot be the judge of which optional essays to write because I am not really well informed about your background. If you have a lot of important things to say about those two supplemental topics then go right ahead and write about them. I can only come in and help you improve the essay once you have already written it. At this point, I think that you can write about those two topics because they are commonly suggested prompts. If you have other prompts to consider which are not so popular among the students, then you should also try to write about those. That way, you will have chosen some unique or under represented topics that might make your application stand out.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / M-U-A-L-L-A If my name were an acronym... [3]

Mualla, this is great acronym. However, you should not be using one letter to specific 2 traits as you did with your last letter. The A should stand for only one trait of your in order to make it easier to remember the meaning of the letter. So it is either you are artistic or you are adventurous, try not to be both. Pick the stronger trait that you can better develop for the acronym. Also, when you mention L-Love, try not to attach an activity to it. Love is a general term that has a better effect when you can explain that it applies to something more than Yoga. It creates the idea that you are an open person who is not judgemental of others instead of someone who is just concentrated on the enjoyment of a single activity.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Let's make some difference. Personal statement essay. [7]

Jiang, each university that you apply to will have a specific set of prompt requirements that you are expected to respond to in a clear and original manner. The worst thing you can do is try to pre-empt the prompt requirements by writing a personal statement that is "one size fits all". You may find that you will not be able to use this particular essay that you wrote because it doesn't have a clear purpose that can relate to the essays that the universities will ask for. Save this essay for an optional, supplemental essay that has an open topic. Do not use it for a personal statement. Maybe you can use bits and pieces of it once you know what kind of prompts you are responding to. It is a good basis, but not a good essay to submit to universities due to specific essay discussion requirements. Do not pre-empt the prompts just to save on time. Always deliver a new essay whenever possible for the reasons I have previously provided.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Graduate / From Zambia, Namibia and South Africa to the US education for better future of Africa - PhD SOP [2]

Michael, are you a professional student? With that question, what I would like to know is if you are the kind of student who has dedicated his life to studying instead of balancing his academic growth with a career purpose. The reason that I am asking about that is because there is a lot of theoretical background in your essay, but almost a non-existent professional application for it. Have you not had the chance to work as an economist in your country yet? Why is the experience always overseas? I am not putting your SOP down or anything, I am just posing the questions that the reviewer will find himself asking as he reads your application essay. In order to create a more convincing SOP, you will need to present some sort of professional experience or application in support of your academic and achievement claims. Right now, it seems like you are more focused on the academic aspect without clearly defining the professional applications of your studies. For example, you could have presented a dissertation proposal here that would have clearly shown how your professional career would benefit from your economic analogies and discoveries in relation to the economic growth of your country. Such a discussion would clearly represent the far reaching purpose for your desire to accomplish a PhD course and give a better idea as to how you would apply your studies to real life situations or scenarios.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / UVA essay- 250 word limit- a small engineering project to help a friend or family member. [3]

Matt, this is a very interesting project to present as a potential final year project for your major. At 234 words, it is just the right length to keep the reviewer interested in your project presentation. However, I believe that it can be made better if you create a clear explanation as to the struggle that your family currently has in terms of getting your great grandmother into the car from the wheelchair. As with any project presentation, an explanation of the problem is always necessary. While you do explain that it is difficult for your great grandmother to get out of the wheelchair and into the car, you fail to explain the kind of process that is involved in relation to helping her get into the vehicle. Based upon the explanation of how you get her into the car, your explanation about the need for the assisted device and the process by which it works will make more sense to the reviewer. In that presentation, you will be able to show the reviewer the relationship between the manual and automated process which in turn, gives your device idea a clear sense of logic and usability.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Graduate / The blueprint for my success as an architect. Masters of Building Science Statement of Interest [2]

Nili, this is a pretty solid statement of interest in the Masters of Building Science course. I can clearly see how your interest in architecture developed through your interest, education, and other pursuits. There is just one slight deviation from the prompt that you have to address and that is the sudden presentation of your work as a sales manager. As you can gather from the title of the essay prompt, this is a statement of interest. Therefore, you should only represent a discussion of your interest in architecture and how you evolved from there to a desire to learn about building science. Any other topics that do not relate to that discussion should not be included in the final essay. That is why the discussion about your sales experience in a medical equipment company does not have any place in this discussion. It would be best to remove it on order to keep the discussion centered on the appropriate topic.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Scholarship / My dream and greatest opportunity - being a good candidate for UGRAD [3]

Mind, if you want to make your essay stand out, you will have too find a way to make your interest in say , Marine Biology, as you gave in your example, have a connection with your semester abroad in the U.S. Most of the applications for this scholarship will delve on the candidates qualifications for the program and their abilities to be successful exchange student through cultural channels. What I would like you to try, is to present your difference from the other applicants. You can do this by showing where you currently stand in your educational background and how you hope to expand upon your education during that year in the U.S. From that point, you can explain how you will make an excellent participant in the program because you are not doing it for personal reasons but rather, for your desire to make a global difference in the world through the help of the program. It only seems fitting that you present your application in this manner owing to the background that you have presented as a student. You should also still present the volunteer work you have in this essay because that shows a socio-civic spirit that can help you succeed as an exchange student.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Lafayette College Supplement: "Why Lafayette?" "Why do you do what you do?" [11]

Wow! You really managed a fantastic turn around in your response here. You really showed a great and keen interest in the history of the university, as well as an English major background. All of which worked in your favor in my opinion. This essay is swift when it comes to getting to the point, and creative where it matters. The introduction of the video game as the basis for the entire essay is unique because not all applicants would know how to make that connection. Only someone into gaming and English / American history would be able to make such a unique connection between the 2 and the university. My opinion is that you should be proud of this response and be sure to use it as your response to the prompt. It is something that I am sure will have the ability to impress the reviewer upon reading.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Let's make some difference. Personal statement essay. [7]

Jiang, what is the common app essay prompt that you are trying to deliver such an entertaining and creative response to? Could you please add the prompt and word count requirement in your next thread so that I can have a better idea as to what you are trying to do with your writing? I can't really direct a proper review towards you until I know the specifics for your work. I am not really sure why your narrative about military training is so long while the response to something highly specific in the prompt has been reduced to only a single paragraph at the end. It might be better to divide the content of the concluding statement into 2. From the way I read it, you have a portion that can work as a proper introduction, before the actual story, and a last part that can be further developed into a prompt response. I'll wait for the complete instructions before I tell you how you can do that. I want to be sure that it will apply properly to the prompt. Thanks.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement Essay -- Igloo Architecture? [6]

Gari, for a commonality essay, you successfully managed to eradicate any similarities that may exist between you and the university. Yes, the response is cookie cutter, but the presentation can be unique. The commonalities essay is not the place where you need to be entirely creative in your presentation. That is why your writing tends to stray from the prompt assignment. The response that you currently have, and I must congratulate you on this, is better suited to the "Why Lehigh?" prompt instead. It is highly creative and shows a clear understanding of the background of the university in relation to your academic interests.

For the commonalities prompt, I suggest that you look at the work in progress that Mualla wrote in this forum. She has the perfect idea of how to best respond to the prompt without falling into the cookie cutter trap. With proper development, she is going to have a killer response. You could follow in her footsteps if you wish to.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / My faith diminished. CalTech Ethical Dilemma essay [2]

Nadun, your response is more suited towards prompts 1, 3, and 4. Any of those prompts can benefit from this response on an expanded scale. So do not delete this essay from your documents. Keep it for the time when you can actually use it. You just can't use it for this particular prompt.

The main problem that exists with your response is that it does not offer any relevant response to the following portion of the prompt: 'No member shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community.'

If you review your response, there is no moment in the narration when you may be said to have taken advantage of something within the Buddhist community. While your ethics, honesty, and integrity are represented in the essay, it does not have the correct setting for it. The representation of this prompt has to come from an academic, not religious setting. That is because the prompt is asking you to consider the traits of ethics, honesty, and integrity as a part of your character traits as a student.

What would you do if say, you found out that a group of your dorm mates were planning to do something ill advised to a member of the student community. You know that the person involved would come to harm and possibly have more dire effects in place should these people succeed with their plan. What would you do? Would you tell the authorities? Would you just sit back and let it happen? How would you defend your integrity, ethics, and honesty in this scenario? Explain it.

The aforementioned paragraph is a mere example of the kind of scenario that would best represent a response to the prompt requirements. The only qualification for the response is that it calls your own integrity, honesty, and ethics into question when you know that a scenario where an unfair advantage on another student or person is bound to happen. How would you handle the situation? Think of a real life scenario where this happened to you and share it. The Buddhist story doesn't fit the description of the prompt expectations so you will have to change your response in total.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / AIRPLANES AND I - Common Application Prompt 5 [6]

Vinh, you have one too many subplots being discussed in an essay that only wants you to prove one thing. That you have already managed to transition from child to adult prior to your entry into college. The whole reason for this prompt is to prove that you have some sort of adult abilities such as being able to take responsibility for your actions, facing consequences of negative actions, or being able to handle yourself in a situation where normally, you would have your parents supporting you as you try to work out a solution to your problem. Basically, you need to discuss only one topic and not a multitude of topics within one essay. That said, the focus of this essay should be on how you took responsibility for yourself, the flight, taking the exam, and going back home without meeting any obstacle or problems along the way. If you did meet any problems, then you should have discussed how you solved it alone.

The only missing element in this essay is the acknowledgement from your parents, elders, or community that what you did was something that could be considered "adult" already and as such, earned you some sign of respect from the elders in the community or your family and / or the bestowing of additional, adult responsibilities on your part due to your proven maturity. If you can add a closing paragraph that contains such a reference, and remove the non-essential aspects of the essay as I indicated, then your essay can enter the final review for content and prompt responsiveness.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Sitting on the backseat of the car - Harvard Supplement. [3]

Khatan, if your purpose for writing this highly informative essay is to supplement the information that you already presented in your personal essay then congratulations, you have done an excellent job. This essay clearly indicates all of the elements of a personal interview without the actual physical interaction. The fact that you were able to present a clear development of your sense of logic, maturing mindset, and abilities as a student makes this an enviable essay for some. I believe that as an open topic essay, you have accomplished the task of introducing yourself on a higher level to the reviewer. A level that would not be easily seen or allowed in the common app prompts. I don't see how you can even improve the essay because, being an open topic prompt, there is no right or wrong way of writing this essay. So in response to your question, the essay can be more Harvard specific if you want it to be. Otherwise, this essay does an excellent job of representing you on a personal, academic, and ability level to the reviewer.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Scholarship / Time-management skills and love for sharing things - Global UGRAD Program? (400-600 words) [3]

Tran, in my opinion, there are 2 aspects of this essay that can be sacrificed in the name of editing and quick information access for the reviewer. The first deletion, can be applied to the current opening statement which is nothing more than just an introduction of what the Global UGRAD program is all about. There is no need to lecture the reviewer or present this information to him because he of all people already knows the program, its definition, expectations, and other specific information far better than any applicant can ever inform him about. Rather than introducing the program to him, you can instead, better present yourself as an applicant to the program by expanding on the importance of time management and sharing when considering an applicant. That way, you can justify your application based upon some pretty unique qualifications for the program, which makes your application more memorable than the others.

The conclusion can also be deleted and replaced with a stronger, more effective closing statement. The one that you have right now is too short and doesn't really justify how you hope to benefit from the program. Those are better discussed in the previous paragraph. So I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is one essay that can be more effective if there isn't any clear closing paragraph for your discussion. I'd like to give it a try and see where it goes.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Intersection of the Language and Mind - "Why NYU?" Supplement [5]

Kevin, in the last paragraph, you make mention of wishing to continue doing research at NYU. It would be in the best interest of your essay if you could expand upon that discussion. It is imperative that you share what kind of previous research you have accomplished and then give an example of what topic or research question you intend to pursue at NYU using their cutting edge resources. More importantly, you need to be able to justify your interest in shadowing these 2 professors in particular. Is that interest based upon your own research or the research of the professors that you feel can tie in directly with the research work that you want to pursue as a student? Once you clarify those points, the essay should have a stronger foundation and line of reasoning to justify your choice of university.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Education a distant dream. Common app essay for University admission [3]

Shiva, don't make the essay run too long by presenting so many examples of women who were forced to drop out of school because of the social belief and traditions of your culture. It is great that you managed to properly narrate the basis of your discussion and also, show how you enacted solutions to this belief and idea that you decided to challenge. The problem, is that you focused so much space on convincing the reviewer about your cause through examples that you neglected to respond to the final question in the prompt requirement. If you faced the same challenge in another situation, would you still respond to the challenge in the same manner? That point of the prompt is critical to the response because it shows your ability to either be steadfast in your decision or be shaky because the solution that you provided was hard to deliver and is even more difficult to maintain. In the interest of keeping the essay interesting, edit the evidence of women who did not go to school by deleting that portion. Dedicate the space to discussing the more relevant, "Will you make the same decision in the future?" discussion instead.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

Mualla, the first 2 parts of your outline fall within the prompt requirements. For the service part though, you should think more along the lines of community service and volunteer activities that you did with non profit groups or clubs. Just tutoring students won't be enough to qualify as a commonality because the Lehigh students who practice service activities do so through properly sanctioned organizations and clubs. If you do not have a formal club or organization that you belong to, it will be hard for you to justify that as a commonality that you can continue to undertake as a student at Lehigh. Don't you have any socio-civic activities that could fall under service requirement in this instance? Almost all the other applicants will say the same thing. They tutored other students as a form of service. That will not make your application stand out. That will just make it another common information filled essay for the reviewer to consider. That is the only part of the essay that you should try to develop further with better information.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

Alex, you have a misunderstanding of the prompt requirement. Although you posted an incomplete version of the prompt (Please post the complete version as soon as you can), from experience with the others here who have responded to a similar prompt, what you are being asked to discuss is the kind of public persona that you are willing to share with the student campus and your professors. What unique quality or trait will you have shared with them via Youtube? In your version, you have not uploaded any video yet and you have yet to actually start your Youtube channel. In the version of the prompt, the video is already up and has gone viral. What were the qualities of your video or your video performance that contributed to it turning viral? That is the discussion that the reviewer is interested to know about. What quirky talent do you have that would make you an asset to the university as the next Youtube sensation?
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, at this point, you need to stop adding content to your essay. It is as perfect and informative as it can be at this point. Don't try to meet the full word count. That is not the point of the essay. Keeping it short but informative helps to make the reader remember some important parts of your essay. If you present too much, sometimes irrelevant or unnecessary information just because you want to meet the word count, then you end up messing up the presentation of your essay. Don't over analyze the content of your essay. It is good to go at this point. Don't worry about anything else. The prompt topic is well responded to and represented in your essay. Be proud of the work that you did. Submit it and relax. You have done everything that you can possibly do to polish and make the essay impressive to the reviewer.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Scholarship / A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus. Giving back to community [4]

Mind, there is no need to refer to the MLK Jr. quote at the start of your essay. While it was given as the basis of your prompt requirement, it is unnecessary to make additional reference to MLK Jr. within your response. It was a quote that stood alone and did not properly introduce or transition the 2nd paragraph. If the opening statement cannot create a strong foundation for the succeeding paragraphs by creating a connection between thoughts and sentiments, then the opening statement should either be deleted or revised. In this instance, I believe that you can just delete it because paragraph 2 is so strong that it actually helps to move your essay along in a stronger and faster manner.

That said, you need to present more specific ideas as to how UGRAD will be able to help you better prepare to help your community. There needs to be specific references to say, a university that you hope to attend in order to take advantage of their marine biology training program. This is the one instance when you are being allowed to influence the point of view of the reviewer regarding the university you wish to attend. Do not waste it. Look up the notable marine biology schools online and pick one to represent your decision in the essay. Make sure that this is the university that you are willing to and looking forward to attending so that you can properly justify your choice in the essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common? [8]

Alex, if I am not mistaken, Lehigh has its own soccer team. Therefore, you should not have a problem making the sports reference work. I think you are just referring to the wrong sport at the right university. Mention the soccer team instead in place of football and you will find that the sentiment of your paragraph becomes clearer and more aligned with the "in common" requirement of the essay. Since you love soccer and the university has a soccer team, you will just be supporting a different soccer team for the time being. I mean as a student at the university. Since Mexicans are big on soccer, it is only logical that you would immediately move to support your school soccer team. So your love for the sport and the support of the university for the soccer team will be another common denominator between the two of you. So a simple revision of that text is what is in order. You don't need to change the sport per se. Remember, what is Futbol or football to you is Soccer in the USA and American Football is a totally different sport from Football. I know, it sounds confusing, but that is how it is termed in the USA.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

That is exactly the kind of information that your essay was lacking before. The addition of the data has allowed the paragraph to become more prompt compliant and shows that you have the background to be able to adjust to the way of life in Europe. the fact that you have traveled in the area shows that you have already lived a somewhat European lifestyle as a tourist and works well with the prompt expectations. There is just one more thing that you have to do. The line about studying in Europe should be presented as a separate paragraph below the presentation of your exposure to European culture. The academic side of the discussion is a totally separate topic because it discusses a different area of your European experience. Therefore, it just be presented in an independent paragraph. After you do that, the essay can already be used as part of your application packet.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Why are you interested in attending Gatech [4]

Ngene, there is nothing in your essay that clearly indicates your choice for GAtech. You are speaking of information that can apply to any university in the country. Which proves that you are not very truthful about your claim that GAtech has been your choice school since middle school. Anybody who has chosen a university to attend since middle school would be more than familiar with the academic institution and have clear concepts and ideas as to why he chose the school early on.

You need to go back and write a fresh essay. One that shows you actually are familiar with the school. If you wish to have a better developed essay, do some research about the notable professors in the engineering department that you hope to have as mentors. One of the main reasons that a university is chosen by a student has to do with the learning experience that he wishes to have. So in your case, you can refer to the professors who could inspire you to learn and become a world class engineer. Just one name will be sufficient to fulfill that response.

This current essay does not work at all because there is no real background nor connection or clear reference to why you chose GAtech. Try to create a more realistic sense of why you chose the school. Don't be vague like you are now. The reviewer will not be impressed with such a generic stance in your essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Well, I vote for the first version that you posted because the word "dream" signifies the reason as to why you joined the flea market in the first place. There was an ambition to help the family, specifically your sister who required your financial help at the time. Therefore, keeping the word in would not be too big. It would just be sufficient enough to emphasize the hope that was lost the moment that you paid for the fee. I hope that you are keeping the maximum word count in mind as you do these changes. You may lose track of the number of words and have to edit for word count all over again. Take note of it and make sure not to go over the maximum count.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Nanda, since we are after keeping your voice in this essay, I will not touch the information that you have presented to the admissions committee / housing committee except for one part that I feel could jeopardize your application. Please do not tell your roommate that you would be willing to play mini-hackathons in your dorm room.

The word "HACK" whether meant in jest (as a joke) or seriously, is not something that you should be presenting to the authorities of the university. The mere idea that you could possibly want to play hacking games of any sort will make them think that admitting you to their university could put their computer network at risk and result in a problem in the final consideration of your admission to the university.

My advice is this. remove that reference but keep everything else in the essay. I just want to protect your application from possible questions. I know, you may not have meant it that way in the essay but you won't be able to explain that to the reviewer so it is best not to mention that part at all.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / Nepal matters. Am I on the right track of this essay ? [6]

Most people who discuss the wide version of this essay always end up narrowing down their essays because their counselors, who help them review their essays often tell them to go for the more personal approach to the discussion. That is because the wide discussion has too many sub topics and representations attached to them which make it impossible to actually develop a believable discussion of what matters most and why.

If you have the opportunity to discuss what is important to you because of its direct effect on your region or district, then you would have the opportunity to even include a quick discussion of how your chosen major will allow you address a solution to this topic, without the solution discussion taking over the whole essay.

There is an American saying that goes; "Pick battles small enough to win, but big enough to matter". That is the kind of discussion parameter that you should use in choosing the topic to discuss here. It should be small enough to matter to your community and also small enough for you to solve, but have a far ranging and bigger effect on the community once the solution is implemented. At least, that is how I understand this prompt should be discussed.

You can look up the examples of responses to that prompt in this forum to see how the other students dealt with the same prompt. I believe it will help you better develop and align your answer with the prompt.
Holt  Educational Consultant  
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

I am not saying that one presentation would be better than the other. What I am saying is that you needed to clarify that it was a team effort because it was not so clear in the previous versions of the essay. In my honest opinion, you can actually discuss the importance of the intellectual development you had on both an individual and team level.

The individual level would show that your solo learning activities could only go so far before you needed more people to help you learn a more advanced level. That way, you show that you are not only capable of learning alone, but you are able to learn more through group learning as well. These are two different levels of intellectual development that are represented in your essay and should therefore, both be included in your final paragraph regarding their importance in your intellectual development.

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