Holt Educational Consultant
Dec 25, 2016
Scholarship / The perfect spot - Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? [2]
Hyunh, do not ever cross over the line by telling the reviewer that you are a perfect candidate for this program. Specially if that impression that you have is based upon your previous failure to qualify for the scholarship program. You are never sure of the criteria that may or may not allow you to join the program this time around. So don't make false or presumptive assumptions pertaining to your chances this time around.
Allow him to come to that decision by himself. Do not ever think that it is OK to dictate to the reviewer regarding how he should be viewing you in the essay. Don't come across as over confident because you have applied to the program before so you know that you will qualify this time around. Take a more humble tone and appeal to the reviewer as a second chance applicant hoping for a more positive outcome to his application this time around. Don't ever try to second guess how the reviewer should treat and consider your application.
The paragraph all about your parents and your background as a Vietnamese Chinese is out of focus. The application officer is not interested in the background, abilities, and talents of your parents. He is only interested in you. Your background, your talents, and your abilities because you are the one who will be enjoying the benefits of a semester abroad, not your parents. So you should probably rethink the presentation in that paragraph. Change the focus from your parents to you instead.
In the second paragraph, again, you are assuming that you now have all the qualifications of an excellent candidate. Remove that reference in the opening sentence. Instead, offer your leadership abilities with a sense of confidence that it might be of help as to the group of exchange students studying in the U.S. for a semester. What you consider an excellent leadership skill may not be viewed that way by the reviewer. So try to avoid boasting in your essay.
In the paragraph about your volunteer activity, avoid mentioning an age and a promise to your aunt. Revise it to simply be a statement of a relevant volunteer activity that you feel has helped you better prepare for a semester abroad.
There is also a need for you to better develop your closing paragraph. It is too short and lacks any sort of impact that will help your essay become memorable in nature.
Hyunh, do not ever cross over the line by telling the reviewer that you are a perfect candidate for this program. Specially if that impression that you have is based upon your previous failure to qualify for the scholarship program. You are never sure of the criteria that may or may not allow you to join the program this time around. So don't make false or presumptive assumptions pertaining to your chances this time around.
Allow him to come to that decision by himself. Do not ever think that it is OK to dictate to the reviewer regarding how he should be viewing you in the essay. Don't come across as over confident because you have applied to the program before so you know that you will qualify this time around. Take a more humble tone and appeal to the reviewer as a second chance applicant hoping for a more positive outcome to his application this time around. Don't ever try to second guess how the reviewer should treat and consider your application.
The paragraph all about your parents and your background as a Vietnamese Chinese is out of focus. The application officer is not interested in the background, abilities, and talents of your parents. He is only interested in you. Your background, your talents, and your abilities because you are the one who will be enjoying the benefits of a semester abroad, not your parents. So you should probably rethink the presentation in that paragraph. Change the focus from your parents to you instead.
In the second paragraph, again, you are assuming that you now have all the qualifications of an excellent candidate. Remove that reference in the opening sentence. Instead, offer your leadership abilities with a sense of confidence that it might be of help as to the group of exchange students studying in the U.S. for a semester. What you consider an excellent leadership skill may not be viewed that way by the reviewer. So try to avoid boasting in your essay.
In the paragraph about your volunteer activity, avoid mentioning an age and a promise to your aunt. Revise it to simply be a statement of a relevant volunteer activity that you feel has helped you better prepare for a semester abroad.
There is also a need for you to better develop your closing paragraph. It is too short and lacks any sort of impact that will help your essay become memorable in nature.