Writing Feedback / · TASK 2: Work from home You should spend about 40 minutes on this task [2]

Your prompt restatement is a mix of the original prompt information and your personal point of view. Avoid presenting your personal point of view early in this paragraph as it will be considered an improper interpretation of the original presentation. You should instead, save any personal insights for your writer's opinion + thesis sentence presentation. That way your personal opinion will result in an increase, rather than a decrease in your scoring consideration.


There is no need to state this. It is understood that you will be using the 2 reasoning paragraphs to defend your point of view. Do not waste time or word count with filler statements. That may help you meet the word count, but it will definitely not elevate the quality of your written presentation.

Scholarship / Community service (scholarship essay) [2]

You are not being asked to define what a community means to you. That whole paragraph is worthless in the presentation. You are also addressing the same problem as you are in the first prompt. You need to vary your responses to show that you have a wide interest in your community and you are not wearing blinders when it comes to the concerns of the community. You should be showing the reviewer that you have other community concerns in this case. The constant focus on education does not really tell him anything in terms of your community development, interests, and varied exposure to your neighbors. You really need to write a totally new response in this case.

Scholarship / 'I have a dream' - Why this major and university (scholarship essay) [3]

The opening paragraph is unnecessary. It does not help the essay move along. When writing a character limited essay, every paragraph should move the essay forward. You can opt to start with the second paragraph instead and have a more effective effect on the reviewer than if you included the first paragraph. It will also help you meet the character count since the presentation will become more information efficient to the reader.


Which parts of their curriculum are those? Show a familiarity with the program. These vague references need to actually be discussed in a proper comparison format. Your ideas in comparison to the school offering.


Why does this stand out to you? Please develop that paragraph further.

Writing Feedback / Some universities now offer their courses on the Internet so that people can study online. [4]

You cannot use a comparison paragraph for your reasoning presentation. That is because the writing guide asks you to defend a single opinion in the presentation. Is it a positive or negative development? Why? That is the straightforward opinion and explanation you should give. Utilize the 2 reasoning paragraphs for that specific purpose. Do not veer away from your original opinion. You will be scored down for contradicting your own opinion. It will result in a confused discussion that will affect your C+C, GRA and TA score. The TA score is based on your clear opinion while the C+C and GRA scores are based on the clarity of your defense and avoidance of confusion in your discussion presentation. 3 deductions in major scoring sections may result in a failing score.

Scholarship / Personal Statement about leadership and goals for scholarship [2]

There are 2 things that you need to revise in this essay. The first is the quotation and the second is the reference to basketball. Let me explain how this works.

You should not rely on a quotation from another person to introduce yourself in the essay. That is because the quotation does not accurately depict your personality or who you are in the presentation. You should be able to appropriately open the essay without relying on a crutch that does not explain anything about you, nor move the essay forward. Omit the essay. Try to develop a more interesting personal presentation.

As for basketball, you already discussed that in-depth in a previous essay with a more relevant prompt. So it will be best to avoid repetition in your essay. Reviewers are not impressed when the applicant repeats information in his responses. That tells them that you are limited in terms of experience relevant to your application.

Writing Feedback / Do the advantages of increased tourism outweigh its disadvantages? [2]


Local what? The idea presentation is incomplete. The subject is missing. Please remember that if you think in your native tongue and then mentally translate to write it in English, there will be missing references or incorrect translations. These errors will affect your LR, GRA, and C+C scores. Always double check to be sure that you will not have any deductions based on incorrect translations from the native tongue.

The concluding paragraph does not meet the 40 words or 2 sentence requirement. That means the essay is in danger of receiving an automatic failing score. It is important that you do a more extensive summary presentation of the facts in that section to ensure that you will not be hit with a failing score.

Writing Feedback / Foreign visitors should pay more than local people [2]


Do not exaggerate when stating the original topic. There is no heated controversy, there is only a public discussion. Over stating the facts lead to prompt deviations, which in turn, will result in faulty task responses. You will be given a low TA score in terms of restating the topic.


I know that you are trying to impress the examiner by using advanced English words. However, you are actually going to receive better a better LR score if you use easier to understand words. These are called layman words which, when actually looked into further, are just everyday English words that can easily be understood by even ESL speakers. Aim for simplicity. You are not yet at the advanced English level with regards to word usage.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITTING TASK 2 : With the rise of the ebooks comes the decline in paper books [2]

Well, you only met the requirements of the writing task halfway. The score for this presentation can only be based upon an under developed stance because you did not use the correct compare and contrast format for each paragraph. You only defended one side of the discussion, which is not the writing format you were asked to use. The correct writing format for the task is:

1. State the advantage
2. Explain the advantage
3. Counter the advantage with a loophole disadvantage
4. Explain the disadvantage as based on the advantage
5. Give an example

Remember, this is a compare and contrast essay. So the idea is to prove that the so-called advantages are actually disadvantages.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master's Degree in IT project Management in Sweden [2]

Avoid turning the motivational letter into an academic and professional biography. The motivational factors in your presentation are quite vague and do not really meet the motivational requirements of the screening committee. I urge you to revise the letter at this point. You will do well if you remove paragraphs 2, 3, and 4. Those are the paragraphs that deviate from the motivational letter intent so its removal will better focus the attention on your motivation.


Before you get excited about the university program and before you explore their curriculum, first discuss the professional driving factors that motivated you to pursue higher studies. That needs to be specific as your motivation because you will want to tie that in with specific learning and training from the university.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Fewer and fewer people today write by hand using a pen, pencil or brush. [2]


This is your personal opinion. It is not an accurate representation of the original prompt. Being your writer's opinion, this should be found towards the last part of the first paragraph together with your reasoning sentence. The first paragraph will not receive a passing TA score because of the incorrect response format in that section.


You are not confident in your own opinion. You should not use doubtful references in the discussion. State everything factually. Give your opinion strength of insight to get a better TA and C+C score.

Your reasoning paragraphs are strong and well developed. However, there is a shortage of transition phrases and sentences in the overall presentation. You may want to increase your transition usage so that you can have an increased GRA score.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master's Degree in Computer Science at University [2]

Dandy, remove the first and second paragraphs. Those are not relevant to the motivation. Replace those instead with paragraphs that discuss your observations of the industry and what your learning goals are. Those will comprise your motivational points which you can further enhance in the later discussion paragraphs. You can proceed to develop your revised essay from there. However, I am not sure if you should be discussing your financial hardship in the motivational letter unless you are specifically asked to do so. You see, the motivational letter is all about your eagerness to learn. The reviewer is not interested in your financial hardship at that point. If necessary, that would be discussed in a separate essay.

Writing Feedback / Should parents control their child's free time? [4]

The first paragraph is incomplete. You did not provide your writer's opinion as was required by the writing instruction. Full points will not be awarded to you by the examiner due to the incompletely developed paragraph. The writing format for the reasoning paragraphs should be on the compare and contrast side. Meaning, you compare the public point of view with your personal opinion. In this writing, there is no comparison point as required. The concluding paragraph is also in error as it gives a final opinion on the matter when it was not required. This is just a general discussion essay. It should not make a decision for the reader. That is not needed.

Writing Feedback / Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Reasons, positive or negative development? [3]

The first paragraph should have at least 3 sentences in it. While the prompt rephrasing is acceptable, the writer's opinion could have used more clarity by providing both an opinion and a thesis statement, that way there would be a thorough response to the given writing instruction, providing a solid TA score for the exam taker.


I would not use this term because you are referring to college students with that. You should stick to the general terms that could describe children so that you do not stray from the focus of the discussion.

Your English is not perfect and yet, you manage to get your message across. Sentence writing can use more exercises to improve your grammar range.

Scholarship / Incident with friends - scholarship essay in NTU [2]

What you wrote here has nothing to do with values and beliefs. These are character traits that you feel best describes you. The reviewer will not see this are a correct response essay so I am not sure if you will receive proper consideration for this writing. Values and beliefs are character traits instilled in you by your family, community, and life experiences. These become a natural part of you from your early life. These are not acquired through later exposure in life. You can actually look up the various beliefs and values that are used for this discussion and revise your essay based upon the list. If you have already submitted this essay, then I hope the reviewers give your choices crdencr when considering your admission.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the amounts of waste produced by three companies over a period of 15 years. [5]


You have to indicate the starting and end year for the summary overview. Do not indicate just the timeline. That will confuse the reader and affect the clarity of the overview. Do not suddenly mention these in the reporting and analysis paragraphs. That will cause further confusion and lower your GRA score.

You are writing in run-on sentence formats. You should be writing shorter sentences and relying on more punctuation marks than just the comma and the period. You are limiting your GRA score by compressing your discussion ideas into connected sentences. The lack of proper transitioning has led to confusing discussion presentations. You should learn to write clearer sentences either by using shorter, single idea sentences or, using more creative advanced sentence formats.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that students who perform better in school should be rewarded. [2]

You cannot say that the statement made in the presentation is true. That is because the first paragraph is only a restatement of the topic and your personal opinion. In this case, you made 2 mistakes that would have resulted in a failing preliminary TA score. Your opinion falls under the required format though so you will receive some points for that section, but it will not be enough to pass that paragraph. Based on the failing starter score, it will be difficult for you to receive a passing score at this point.


Do not use inflamatory reference words in the essay. This is to be a logical written opinion presentation. You should not be looking to make any trouble or argue with anybody.

Scholarship / Global business - personal statement for GKS scholarship [2]

The essay is a personal statement based on your interest in Korea, what you want to learn, and your current credentials. While these are important information to the presentation, you should consider the information that the application packet asked you to supply. Your essay should be revised based upon those content requirements. Remember that you are applying to a scholarship that has student information requirements for their applicants. So read over the prompts for the personal statement, work on delivering the most responsive presentation that you can. It will require heavy editing of the current version but believe me, it will be worth it when you see that you are delivering the correct information for your application consideration.

Letters / Motivation letter for HAN university in the Netherlands [3]

The opening paragraph is a confusing run-on sentence. It is not advisable to have such a long and confusing introduction. You should consider Avoiding that extremely long presentation and just responding to the questions directly, working in a quick introduction somewhere in the first sentence. Avoid confusing the reader. Your first 3 paragraphs are actually prompt deviations that do not help to move the essay forward. It does not connect to the provided questions and therefore, does not inform the reviewer in the manner that is required. You can safely remove those paragraphs from this presentation without affecting the remaining sections. Tighten your discussion of the remaining paragraphs so that you will better respond to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / "Fashion is who I am" - Fashion Institute of Technology Admissions Essay [3]


Please expound on this part. How did FIT speak to you? Was it the objective of the school? The program offerings? The student community? Surely you can be more specific than just that reference point.

Your explanations seem to be relevant to the questions provided so I do not see any need to change the content. Maybe, you should consider adding to the content instead? The part when you moved in with your father and you changed your dress style, what prompted that? Was changing your fashion in response to something? Perhaps your relationship with your dad? it appears that there is more to explore in that paragraph. It was left less developed than the others.

Letters / COVER LETTER to apply Event Marketing position [2]

Is this supposed to be a practice essay? Or is it an actual application email? My review will vary depending upon what the actual purpose of the letter is. Anyway, I will just talk about the most obvious problem to deliver useful advice regardless of the purpose of the letter.

You need to use bullet points for the notable presentation sections in the letter. That way the HR reviewer will be able to simply scan the letter and take note of the important aspects of your application for further consideration. The first part of the essay is actually redundant. You seem to have introduced yourself twice as an applicant for the given position.

Writing Feedback / The table below gives information about some of the world's most studied languages. [4]


You do not need to repeat the writing instructions in the summary. What you should be doing, is presenting the summarized information in relation to the highs and lows of the data reference in the table. This paragraph will receive a failing TA preliminary score.

There is no clear trending statement in the presentation. You immediately entered into the reporting presentation. That will be a problem because you will receive a 0 score for the trending statement section. Since you did not present a clear trend in the presentation.

Since you avoided using the actual figures in the later part of the analysis means that you will not get a passing score for this presentation. You have to use all the numerical figures that you were presented with in the analytical report.

Letters / Motivational letter for Erasmus mundus Euroculture program [2]

Try to reduce some aspects of the essay so that you can discuss your professional aspirations in the essay. You simply cannot indicate that the programs align with your interests, without actually showing how they align. You can rely on the indicative topics of the EM scholarship to reference your aspirations and goals. While your essay is strong in terms of exposure and experience, you need to have a stronger and better developed motivating discussion in the letter. You have to work on further convincing the reviewers that your motivation for higher studies would be beneficial to your career upon your return to your home country. Further developing that reference should bolster the letter content.

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay - Life's Journey and Lessons [2]

There seems to be a disconnection between the death of your grandmother and the silence that you suddenly decided to adapt. How exactly does her death relate to it? What happened during her wake or burial that triggered you to suddenly be silenced? It is not clear to the reader. You should reconsider your opening scenario. Or, create the bridge that connects the death to your eventual silence. The reference to your grandmother should be more consistent in the essay as it relates to your continued silence. Actually, the essay is acceptable. It just needs additional development to make your narrative target clearer to the reader. I know it is about your development as a speaker, but the reference points need to be clearer.

Letters / A motivation letter for a program at the University of Rome. [3]

There are actually too many screened information in this presentation for me to give you a useful observation but I will try my best. Remember, my information is incomplete so my advice may or may not be applicable.

I believe that the first 4 paragraphs in the letter are irrelevant to the discussion. These are information that do not aim to support your motivation, but indicates continued learning and training. However, the motivation letter should focus on the driving factors that push you to continue studies abroad. So these paragraphs are not as useful as they you might think they are.

The statements starting at paragraph 5 should be better developed to help explain your motivating factors. Those seem to be the best motivational aspects of your letter.

Writing Feedback / In some cultures, children are often told that thay can achieve anything if they try hard enough. [2]


There is no need to include this in the summary paragraph. You are not being asked to give a personal opinion. This will not be considered in the scoring process. Well, it will be considered, as a deduction since you did not follow the writing instructions as provided. Therefore, points will be deducted for an improper response format.

The summary conclusion is also incorrect as it does not summarize the previous discussion points. This created an open ended essay that will result in an automatic failing score. The essay can only be considered completed when the reverse summary properly recaps the previous discussion points and presents the original topic, rephrased, to the examiner.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that schools should choose students according to their academic abilities [2]

The opening statement will recieve a failing score. You have not properly restated the public opinions and there is a lack of proper perspective coming from the writer. The writing instead, launched into a full discussion of the topic, creating a zero reference to the topic restatement + writer's opinion. The preliminary TA score will be a failing one since the expected discussion format was not presented.

The overall essay is written from the writer's opinion alone. That means, there is a lack of comparative perspective based on the public and personal opinions. There is a lack of balance in the presentation as the writing requires. The response format is incorrect in the reasoning paragraphs. This may not get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / A noticeable lack of students opting for science subjects at universities is observed [2]


You will lose TA points for simply repeating the writing questions instead of creating a writer's opinion based upon short form reasons for the discussion. Create a problem statement or thesis statement for each reference point to receive points for the writer's opinion. You cannot receive scores for that section without these hypothetical statements.

The causes for the lack of STEM students is not well developed in the specific paragraph. While the reasons listed are numerous, the lack of properly explained reasons, and the interconnection between the reasons, have created a confusing statement of ideas. The reader will be confused about the presented information as these fail to interconnect with one another.

Considering the effects of the lack of interest, the explanation is better laid out than the reasons paragraph. So the 2 paragraphs will pull on the final score. Either you will pass or fail, depending upon the way the examiner views the lack of clarity in the reasoning paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- children spend hours every day on their smartphones [2]

While the English language used in the presentation is not perfect, it is acceptable enough to receive good GRA and C+C scores. That is because the intent of the writer remains clear even as the writing is imperfect. While there will be GRA reduced scores, confusion will not be one of the reasons for the score reduction as the ideas are clear to the reader. It would be good for the student to focus on better developing his English sentences. Right now, he is above the beginner level, but a few steps below that of an intermediate English writer. By focusing on his vocabulary usage and proper sentence structuring, he should manage to achieve a smoother written presentation.

Writing Feedback / What problems do children face in the age of social media? [5]

I am not sure if this was written as an IELTS or TOEFL practice test. Perhaps it was just meant to be an English language test? It is important for me to know what sort of writing this was made for so that I can give applicable advice, based upon the test or writing requirements.

As an English exam test, it is going to receive an automatic failing mark as it is under the minimum 250 word count for both the IELTS and TOEFL test. However, as a writing practice essay, it should be well within the word requirements of the class. Again, not knowing what I am reviewing for is proving to be a problem when it comes to advising you. The essay simple and easy enough to understand though.

Graduate / Personal Statement for a MSc in Computer Science from the University College London [2]

The essay seems to be open ended. The last paragraph seems to be hanging. There is no clear concluding paragraph that would have summarized and driven home the point of your personal statement. The recap is sorely missing. The essence of the personal statement is missing towards the end. The personal statement is actually running too long as it combined the personal statement with the statement of purpose, which is supposed to be a different essay. Now, I do not know if this is the combination type of personal essay since you did not provide the writing prompt for the essay. So I will just guess and assume that you accidentally got the 2 mixed up which is why your essay seems to be confusing and open ended.

Undergraduate / Application Supplemental Essay (Why Barnard)- First-Year Transfer to Barnard College [2]

I am not very convinced about the effects of traditional Chinese dance with regards to finding your most powerful self. I would have wanted to read a better and more extensively developed discussion of that point. What you have presented is so summarized that it lost context and impact in the eyes of the reviewer. You should have strengthened and lengthened that discussion in the presentation. You have 300 words to work with, you should have dedicated at least 150 words to that part. You are trying to sell yourself as a transfer student. The last paragraph about Barnard sounds like it came out of the school website. It could have used further development in an original context. This sounds too much like a disconnected response paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 (Line graph) - The money spent by British parents on their children's sport [2]


A chart is different from a line graph. The original prompt uses the term "chart" to describe the 2 measurements provided. That means you should have referred to it in the restatement either as a tabular chart, pie chart, or columnar chart. The wrong reference will force the examiner to reduce your TA and C+C score. You also forgot to reference what sports are being measured and the number of children participants for each chart. The summary overview is incomplete.


Is this a monthly or yearly expense? The charts would have been quite clear about those reference points.

You have made an effort to present the information as clearly as possible. However, your confusing reference points and missing information make the report a bit problematic to understand.

Writing Feedback / A writting task 1 about some changes in an area [2]


Incorrect image identifier. This is a map illustration, not a graph. this mistake in image reference will affect your TA, C+C and GRA scores negatively. Specially since the error was done in the summary section.

If you are not going to have a 2nd reference in the same paragraph, you should not say "First of all". When you use that reference, it means you will have at least 2 more references that require the numerical ordinal for reference separation. This is going to affect your GRA score.

You have not done a good job of describing the existing location. This means you have a paragraph that will receive a failing mark because you did not fully develop the report and analysis. The essay, based on the existing errors, may not get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out . What are the causes and solution [4]

You cannot use the comparative reference "On the one hand/on the other hand" because you are not discussing the same topic in the reasoning paragraphs. Such references can only be used when dealing with comparative discussions, not in single opinion paragraphs. Therefore, there is an incorrect response format in the essay that will reduce your Task Accuracy score.

In the first reasoning paragraph, your topics are disconnected. These are not related and no proper transition phrasing or sentence was used to achieve the transfer of ideas from one topic to the next. Therefore, the paragraph will be confusing for the reader and will receive a reduced GRA score.

It would be better if you use the following format next time:
1. Problem statement
2. Cause of the problem
3. Solution to the problem
4. Supporting example
5. Transition sentence or phrase.

Scholarship / Computer Science Degree - Stepindium Hanguricum Scholarship for applying to CS BSc [2]

A motivation letter should not contain any references to your high school studies or your position upon high school graduation. Your motivation should be concerned with your career path. What is your career goal beyond academics? Is this the reason you chose to study in Hungary? How will the university help you achieve that? What inspiration did you get from the professors you mentioned? There is no need to discuss your future academic goals in the motivation letter. It is too premature to do so. You just need to stick to the immediate future, the goal of starting your post undergraduate career. There are aspects of this essay that may not be considered by the committee, since they will see in your academic records that you are no longer a fresh High School graduate.

Undergraduate / Nanyang Technological University Scholarship Essay - Value and beliefs [2]

When you speak of values and beliefs, this should relate to the way that you participate in your community. This could be in your academic community or your neighborhood, even in a special area of interest. That is because the prompt is meant to assess how well you get along with others and also, if you have any personal traits that could be considered beneficial to the student community should you be accepted into the school. Remember that as a scholarship student, you may be tested emotionally and socially in the student community. Therefore how well you get along with others and how your beliefs and values will help you get accepted into the community will be very important in considering your acceptance.

Writing Feedback / Allowing children to use phones at the school [2]

Well, the discussion approach could be better. For these types of comparison essays, the examiner gives extra points for your point of view of each public opinion. When you are asked to give your opinion, it is best to analyze the position of the public in relation to your understanding of why such reasons are valid or not. You do not need to have a stand alone paragraph, nor do you need to write the essay from a personal point of view alone. You have to merge the public and personal opinions per paragraph so that the examiner will see how well you analytical writing skills are and if you can quickly opinionate within 5 sentences.

Writing Feedback / Some people think the government funding should not be used for supporting art and culture [2]


Do not exaggerate your response. Know when to use a measured response to the question and when not to. If you do not see the question indicating "To what extent", then a simple agree or disagree response is expected. As it is, the essay is not in the expected response format so you might get a slight penalty in the preliminary TA score.

The tendency of your presentation is to take on a run-on format. That means, you are using long sentences that combine at least 2 ideas in one sentence. Avoid doing that since it creates GRA deductions for you. Always separate the ideas in the presentation. You may use transition sentences or phrases within the paragraph to achieve that separate, but connected reasoning presentation.

Graduate / Learning and Creativity - advice SOP for masters [2]


Refrain from mentioning the 8th grade in this essay. You are applying for admission to a masters course. Therefore, your reference points should be more on the professional or college level. You come across as too amateur when you revert to 8th grade discussions.


Can you be a bit more specific about this? You should present a short and long term purpose for your studies. The short term, would be about 6 months to 3 years after you graduate. The long term would be at least 5 years after completing the course. You have the perfect template SOP in this presentation. You just missed out on the long and short term career plans. Add that, change the 8th grade reference, and your essay should be good to go.

Undergraduate / Family and friends - ideas UBC personal profile [2]

You are spending too much time talking about how you influenced your friend. That is the longest aspect of this presentation so that is where you should focus on cutting down the words involved in the narration. Try to shorten it to the point where the focus does not move from you because the current version moved way too much to the area of your friend, which really affected not only the word count, but also the focus of the reader. You do not want the reader's interest to be on anyone but you within the written presentation. The first 3 parts were good. There are no problems in those sections. These respond well to the prompt.