Writing Feedback / Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more popular [3]

You used the correct approach in presenting the opinion from a single point of view that supports your personal opinion. However, the presentation falls a little short, in my opinion, when it comes to the actual discussion question which indicates a comparative discussion format based on your personal opinion. The strength of the discussion of the advantage/disadvantage essay lies in how well you can dispel the advantage notion, creating a believable disadvantage discussion on your part or, a disadvantage discussion that you can disprove to be an actual advantage, based on your experiences and knowledge.

In the presentations, you show the advantages, which are readily known to people. However, you failed to present reasons why people might perceive these to be disadvantages. So first, explain why people mistakenly see the use of online shopping as a disadvantage, then explain why you think otherwise. For the medicines, explain the belief regarding medicine authenticity when ordered personally from a drugstore, then indicate why that misconception is incorrect by using your personal experience as the convincing factor.

You have shown that you have the potential to score more than just a 7.5 in the test. You just have to be keep practicing to get better at it. By the way, you should not be writing the word as "247" but rather "24/7" to indicate 24 hours a day / 7 days a week. That is a minimal LR error that you can correct in the future. Please make sure to familiarize yourself with such terms so that you can use these in a more appropriate format in your coming practice essays.

Scholarship / GKS Statement of Purpose - Language Study Plan [2]


- Trying to memorize what in a month? Hangul characters and alphabet? English spelling of Hangul words? There are so many ways that reference can be interpreted since you left it open to interpretation. Clarify that part.


- Perhaps include a reference to translating Bhasa Indonesia to Hangul to better prepare and understand how the language works or how you can better transliterate from your language to Hangul with accuracy.


- Be realistic, just aim to learn as many as you can in a month since this is a pre-arrival in Korea language study plan. Do not set unrealistic goals. Formal lessons in a Korean language school would also be a more admirable and realistic language learning plan. Everything you are discussing are not assurances that you have a viable study plan for the language and that you can actually learn the basic language before you go to Korea, if you pass the screening and interview that is.


- Too low. Aim for the actual passing score or higher. Hence the need for you to attend formal language school.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2- The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction [3]

The comparison discussion for this single opinion essay is not very well presented. That is because the instruction is asking you to weigh the advantages against the disadvantages of socializing through non physical methods. Your essay response is focused on healthcare, working from home, and other non-social media based activities. The focus on reasons, without actual connections with social media presented, is what created incoherent discussion paragraphs. If you wanted to discuss how social media is used for health purposes, then you should have cited how the hospitals could only accept Covid patients during the pandemic, forcing doctors to do remote consultations with their patients via Zoom, Messenger and other means. This created an advantage in a position where it is normally considered a disadvantage due to the non - physical nature of the consultation. Explain how the job was still accurately done even without face to face interaction, using social media. That is now what you depicted in your explanation, which made it an irrelevant reference in the discussion. The same goes for the job reference. How did this non-physical scenario prove to be beneficial when say, a building inspector needed to investigate the integrity of the building materials, without being physically present to test it?

The proper format is to take a perceived disadvantage and explain how it became an advantage. The pandemic makes this highly easy to discuss since everything has become remote and, everyone has to use social media even if just for ordering groceries. The conclusion only has 35 words in it when the requirement is at least 40 words. You should do a better job of restating your discussion points within the advantage and disadvantage summary set up.

Writing Feedback / Children must be a good members of society. What the parents and school can teach it? [2]

This is actually an IELTS Task 2 practice prompt. Were you writing in preparation for that test? Or is this a topic that was given to you as a part of a basic written English language exercise? Kindly make sure to indicate what sort of writing you are doing next time so that I can give more relevant comments regarding your work. Without knowing what your target is for this writing, I will just give you a general review of the presentation you have made.

The presentation is grammatically inaccurate and has several word usage errors and punctuation mistakes. These are what have caused the essay to be incoherent to the reader. There is no clear idea being presented due to the inaccuracy of the overall statements. This can be corrected by having you make an effort to improve your English vocabulary through the proper learning of word meaning. You cannot just keep using words that you think sounds right or applicable. You have to be certain that the meaning of the word helps to convey the thought you are developing. Otherwise, you end up with this confusing presentation of thoughts that do not have a clear thought process indicated.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Free education irrespective of personal wealth [2]

This is not an extent essay. Therefore, your discussion approach, which is, "to an extent' response is incorrect. There do not need to be 2 discussion points. Only 1 opinion that either agrees or disagrees with the given opinion / topic statement. As you have decided that you do not want to follow the discussion instruction because you know better, there is no way I can review this paper for accuracy of response.You will automatically fail because you did not respond to the question in a manner that relates to the instruction. You cannot write the paper based on what you want to say and how you want to say it. You have to show the examiner that you can understand basic English instructions and that you can follow the instructions without changing any aspect of it.

When you try to show that you know better than I do, do not approach me for advice. You obviously do not need any.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 table with a trend - visitor statistics in Australia [2]

All of your paragraphs should have a minimum of 3 sentences. This includes the summary overview. The lack of sentence development in that section has resulted in a sentence that presents information, but without a clear meaning involved in the presentation. How many heritage sites were presented? What years are involved in the survey? These are the missing overview data in your presentation that should have been presented along with the trending statement to show a clear short version of the report from the chart.

In the second paragraph, you should indicate the years of similarity and immediately follow that up with the similar information. After that, you can present the uneven measurements in the same paragraph. This will help you create a more cohesive and coherent discussion presentation for that information section. For the Macquarie Island information, it did not stabilize at 300. That would mean that the figures remained the same over the time periods indicated. There was an uneven number of visitors actually. So you should have instead, indicated a fluctuation in guest numbers during the years presented.

Scholarship / GLOBAL KOREA SCHOLARSHIP_ PERSONAL STATEMENT_COMPUTER SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING [4]

Are you writing a statement of purpose of a personal statement? Those have 2 different set of information requirements for the essay presentation. Your title and your indicated essay in your actual post are conflicting. Kindly clarify which one you are actually writing for my benefit. As of now, I will assume that you are writing a personal statement and review this as such.

While your educational background and family information is complete in delivering the idea as to the kind of person you are and the student that you strive to be, your work experiences and extra curricular activities are not well developed. These presentations are important and yet, the least developed in your presentation. You only wrote 2 sentences for those references. One reference each. The reviewer needs to know more about your work experience and notable achievements in that field if any as these will be considered alongside your motivation for studies. which, by the way, isn't really very well presented nor clearly developed in this presentation.

Writing Feedback / The high salary should be more concerned than the degree of satisfaction in job. What's your opinion [2]

When you partially advocate for the given statement, you are writing an extent essay. You are not writing an agree or disagree essay. Only the extent essay allows you to use a measured response for your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. The required opinion for this essay is either a complete agreement or disagreement, with the supporting paragraphs focused only on that opinion justification. So, this essay will be given a score based on not a response not relevant to the task provided. As a starting TA score, it is low enough to prevent you from receiving a passing score. Always remember, the first part of the scoring process is based on your English comprehension skills and ability to follow instructions in English. Fail to do that, show an inability to analyze the given discussion scenario, and you just might fail the test based on the first paragraph alone.

Writing Feedback / Maths and business success - IELTS Writing Task 2 Opinion Essay [2]

There is a missing sentence in your thesis statement in the first paragraph. You forgot to indicate the measured response. Is it a partial disagreement with the statement? If so, why? Your discussion topics outline shows a partial disagreement with the statement, you should have framed the last sentence to clearly refer to that. Why? You are scored based on the clarity of your opinion. Therefore, you need to state that opinion directly and clearly, in a manner understood by the examiner, within the first paragraph. Yes, you gave an implication of such an opinion, but an implication of an opinion is not the same as a clear opinion. An implied opinion can be misunderstood by the reader, a direct and clear opinion, cannot be misunderstood.

Scholarship / [KGSP/GKS SCHOLARSHIP] MASTER IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - Future plan after study [2]


That should be the focal point of this future plan after study. They are not interested in knowing your future academic plans. They want to know how you will apply what you have learned to your profession. How you plan to apply it and, how it can make a change in the world of RDL. Do not set yourself up to look like a professional student who will not leave Korea after your complete your studies. You could be mistaken for someone who is using the student visa to get around the residency requirements for professionals ( or something along those lines). Focus on your return to your home country and how you will apply what you have learned professionally either through your career advancement, or sharing of knowledge.

Scholarship / DRL model - [KGSP] MASTER IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - Goal of study and detailed study plan [3]

Are you going to be attending a research based masters course? If so, then you need to refocus your goal of study and study plan to show an interest in a specific line of learning supported within and outside the classroom. If I were the one writing this essay, I would focus specifically on explaining:


What would each paper cover? What is your ultimate goal in researching those topics? Why do you need to publish 2 papers covering it? How can the university help you study these better outside of the academic setting? The study plan should show how you are interested in pursuing information that, though supported by the masters course, may be of a special interest to you due to its career based application.

Based on this version, I believe you can revise the essay using the following as the basis for it:

My main goal for the study in KAIST AI school is to publish two DRL papers ... anonymous KAIST authors.

That is impressive, shows a goal for the studies and creates a basis for your study plan based on the 2 research topics. Just make sure not to repeat information that are more relevant to the Research Proposal section of the application.

Research Papers / Research Essay: Politics: The Destructor of Relationships [2]

The opening paragraph takes too long to get to the thesis statement. You are over introducing the topic. Try to get to the point sooner, within the first paragraph. Try to create a blended paragraph instead that covers the information from the 2 paragraphs into one cohesive presentation instead. That way you do not bore the reader with too much introductions. It is the thesis statement that matters the most to the reader.

There is a problem when it comes to the authenticity of the information you are posting. Most of your citations and references are based on 3rd party information. You know, the "he said that she said that they said..." Try to make these more authoritative by first, informing the reader about the background of the person who wrote the article. Who is Kirsten Weir? Why should we listen to her when she quotes someone else as a source of information? What makes her an authority? The same goes for DiDonato and Adcox. These are all interesting articles to cite but the reason we should believe these statements from these people is suspect without a background introduction of sorts.

You have a strong closing statement. It sums up the discussion very well and provides a plea from the author to stop the madness. It works for the purpose you intended it.

Scholarship / Leadership, community service. The Global UGRAD. Why would I be a great participant in this program? [2]

Remove the reference point about how you are familiarizing yourself with American culture. That is not part of the community leadership discussion. It is irrelevant and does not have a place in this discussion. You will have to create a new conclusion that focuses on your leadership abilities, accomplishments, and leadership style instead to create a better summation of the previous discussion.

The extra curricular club activity that you led is not one that will impress the reviewers. This is a group activity that had to do with dance as a program or show. You are being asked to justify your leadership abilities based on how your project or team effort led to an improvement or change in the lives of the people residing in the community. That part is not represented at all in this presentation. So I cannot really say that you were able to portray yourself as a community leader based on the discussion requirements.

Scholarship / 'intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death'. Letter for MAIA scholarship [3]

Not a bad motivational letter. You have shown a personal, academic, and professional interest in the course that you have chosen. However, I am unclear as to what your current job is and how your chosen masters will relate to your professional improvement. Sure you mentioned CAD and that you have a bachelors degree. Degree in what? You will have to remind the reviewer of this whenever applicable as there will be a tendency to forget how the essays connect with your profession.

You may want to explain why you were motivated to apply for this scholarship based also, on the opportunity to gain a unique education in the country of your choice. Justify the motivation to study abroad, in a particular country, as opposed to studying in your home country. That should help make the motivation even clearer to the reviewers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: The table below shows the number of vehicles registered in Australia in 2010 [2]

The presentation shows percentage of change, not percentage of growth. Your reference is incorrect. It should have been restated as "overall measurement variations in percentages" or something similar. A quick run down of the 5 vehicle types was also in order since this is part of the overview information. It would have been a helpful reference and strong supporting information for the trending statement.

The last sentence in the presentation can be better improved for clarity purposes by dividing it into individual sentences. The information would be clearer to the reader if you presented it as:

The figures for light and heavy trucks also increased over the measured period. Heavy trucks rose to 10.2%, from 384,000 to 423,000. Light trucks increased at a rate of 23.5%, from 106,000 to 131,000.

Avoid run-on presentations as these tend to confuse the information being presented. It becomes more difficult to follow when there are no clear demarcations in the presentation. In fact, all of the paragraphs could have been helped by better information division in the presentations. However, I am unable to show you more than one example for that in this post because showing you those changes would require me to basically rewrite the whole essay, which I am not permitted to do.

Graduate / 2021 GKS Graduate; Personal Statement; I'm the youngest member of a four... [2]

Your presentation is a mix of the new and old prompt requirements. You may want to review the new prompt requirements for your revised presentation. The section in this essay about your interest in Korea is not necessary for this application round. So the last 2 paragraphs of this presentation will need to be adjusted to suit the new requirements. From what I have read though, you have some pretty strong information both from your family background and your experiences in life. The fact that you have been a scholar before and attended exchange programs previously makes you a contender in the consideration round. There are definite risks taken and influential events in your life.

Hold it, I changed my mind. I believe that you need to reformat the presentation of the 3rd paragraph instead because it shows that you have a marked experience as a volunteer at the study cafe. Rather than referring to your interest in the Korean language and culture at that time, indicate instead that you were encouraged to travel to Korea by your Korean dorm mate. That will be the most impressive presentation that will cover 2 requirements in one paragraph:

- Person who had a significant influence on you, risks and achievements
- Extra curricular activities and work experiences

That said, you still need to revise your last paragraph. Additionally, in the first paragraph, you mention the family motivating factor, but, there is a missing professional motivation as it relates to your current job. You are currently employed right? In what capacity? How did this job influence your decision to study in Korea? That should also be indicated in the second paragraph as a formal motivating factor.

By the way, what did you mean by your brother attending his second university? Do you mean he is getting a second bachelor's degree? You should clarify that in the presentation. However, since that information is not directly related to you but to your brother, it would be better to delete that reference altogether. The reviewer doesn't need to know too much about your family. Only information about your family as it directly relates to you.

Writing Feedback / How can we protect biological diversity? [2]

There is a definite sense of importance to this writing. Your opening statement was imaginative, but seemingly suddenly lost from one event to another. You went from a flaming ball of rock to the existence of man. There are 12 cataclysmic events that comprise the evolution of the earth. The 13th of which is, according to Neil De Grasse Tyson, is forthcoming. You need to better represent the events in-between that led to the current state of the earth. You need a gradual idea development instead of ideas that jump timelines without clarity.

As for the paragraph about choosing world leaders, you are mistaken in your notion that there is no turning back when you elect a leader who does not believe in green energy. The next elected official can always change environmental policies as set by his predecessor. Therefore, there is no permanency to any environmental decision made by anyone. Remember that Trump pulled America out of energy and environmental agreements and Biden, put America back in. That is the basis of ever evolving government environmental regulations.

Letters / Sustainable & Innovative Natural Resource Management (SINREM) Motivation Letter [2]


- What is no longer an option and why? What is the relation of Covid to the SINREM studies? The environment has actually benefited from Covid 19 as the experts say the earth seemingly reset, specially in terms of the water ways, forest regrowth, and natural habitats. You should clarify what you mean about this statement. Do you mean we will not be able to sustain the positive effects of Covid on the natural system of the planet?


- You have well described your duties, responsibilities, and mission focus. There is a lack of accomplishment though based on these information that would show how your leadership skills, excellent planning, and flawless implementation abilities have led to your success as a sustainability adviser.


- Based on what professional motivation? How does this merge with your duties and responsibilities as a sustainability adviser? It appears that you merely decided to study this course based on general considerations instead of focused career applications and SDG programs.


- For what benefit? Try to focus on how each university and course will help you achieve a networking goal for your SDG program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - the production of instant noodles [2]

Basic format for this presentation is 3 paragraphs. That means there needs to be:
- A summary overview + trending statement (without a personal opinion)
- Explanation of the starting to middle process
- Description of the packing process or final process

You failed to provide the proper number of paragraph even though you wrote more than the minimum word count. So that means the second paragraph just needed to be divided into 2 presentations to meet the requirement. The part about "Once noodles are cooked", should have been separated in a new paragraph.

There is a personal opinion presented in the opening paragraph, which is not a requirement in the Task 1 essay. This is just a direct descriptive report. Only the task 2 essay requires a personal opinion presentation. There is also a missing trending statement which means the essay does not fulfill the information requirements and presentation format for discussions in the task.

Writing Feedback / Average annual expenditure on cell phone, national and international fixed-line services, 2001-2010 [2]

Avoid run-on sentences in your summary overview. You will lose C&C points for presenting all the information in one long sentence when it should have been presented separately. By the way, you have to mention the starting year of the survey along with the ending year of the survey. Remember, you are summarizing the information so include all overview information that is easily seen from the image.

There is an incomplete information presentation in the third paragraph, the figure for global fixed line services does not indicate any measurement reference. Always present supporting information for each reference point. That way you truly inform the reader and retain the clarity of the presentation.

Scholarship / Personal Statement about Public Administration - Graduate program GKS [2]

The first paragraph, though imaginative in presentation, does not offer itself as a part of any appropriate response. It does not clearly relate to any of the prompt requirements. I believe it would be best for you to simply delete that presentation since it does not fit the essay and does not help to move any of the presentations forward. It does not connect to the presentation. If you meant that as your motivational statement, then you failed to deliver that impression and information. You have to come up with a clearer motivational statement to open the presentation.

Due to your lack of work experience, you need to find a replacement reference to that that could show the integration of your profession into your community relationships. Unfortunately, a discussion group does not fit that requirement. It needs to be something more notable such as being a legal intern, a legal apprenticeship, or shadowing a lawyer of sorts.

Due to the lack of accomplishments and a shortage of your acquired skills, I cannot truly say that this is a competitive statement. The competition is getting fiercer every year and seemingly average applications often cannot withstand the first round of considerations.

Scholarship / 2021 GKS SCHOLARSHIP - PERSONAL STATEMENT - INTERNATIONAL TRADE [2]

Hi Sharon. Listen, I can really see the sincerity in your application. You are doing your best to prove that you have a clear motivation, a career path, and an interest in Korea as a country and a center of education. However, you are missing several key points in the presentation based on the new requirements for the personal statement. As I am sure that you have a copy of the e-application packet, you should be able to easily access the personal statement form and read the prompt requirements. You will be able to decipher for yourself which aspects you failed to present in this essay and what you have to remove. Your essay is more slanted towards the old prompt requirements, which means you are missing several key points in this presentation. Kindly review the prompt requirements and adjust your presentation accordingly. Your current presentation does not fulfill the needed information and as such, will not help the reviewer to appropriately consider your application for the scholarship program.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the advantages and disadvantages of Internet for Ielts Task 2 [3]

Aside from the discussion of the advantage and disadvantage of the internet, the main question, which you failed to respond to in the presentation is; 'To what extent do you agree or disagree?" The basis of your thesis statement response is therefore, incorrect as you did not give the correct measured response to the question. Instead, you indicated an irrelevant response regarding the internet developing and proliferating rapidly in future. Reading this incorrect response from you will make the examiner give you a failing score in the TA section due to a response error. It is unrelated to the task provided.

The discussion should have represented 2 reasons that show the extent of your dis/agreement with the given statement. Instead you offered a comparative discussion that does not relate to the measured response discussion requirement. Hence the misdirected response presentation.

Undergraduate / '...feel the sweetness of life after struggling'; GKS Undergraduate application - personal statement [2]

The motivation factor being referred to in this case is not your motivation to study in Korea. Rather, it is a your career motivation that led you to decide that Korea is the best place for you to pursue your masters course. The motivation should answer the question "Why Korea instead of Indonesia for your masters studies?" So the quote that you used at the start is irrelevant. Personal statement should rely solely on your own words to describe your responses. The quote is not appropriate as a motivational statement because it does not ask you why you want to go to Korea to study but rather, what motivates you to study the masters course in Korea. The keyword is "program". The program is the masters course.

You are over focused on the GKS alumna and how you inspired your decision to study in Korea. However, her inspiration does not relate back to a career inspiration or something relevant. the inspiration and role model should again, be related to the reason why you want to become a better professional through the help of the GKS, it is not about going to Korea simply for the life experience and social development, which is what is starting to become the prominent aspect of this personal statement.

The overall presentation is incomplete when you compare it to the prompt requirements. Perhaps because you did not truly understand the requirements for the response. You created an extremely wordy essay that focused on something you mentally set as the central discussion point of your essay rather than considering the individual responses to required information. Based on this presentation, you will not qualify beyond the 1st consideration round.

Writing Feedback / [Writing Task 2]Topic summarize: Some countries have many aged people. What are the effects of this? [3]

When you say "As the figures show...", that means the reader will have access to an image that will prove your claim. However, there is no image supplied in a Task 2 essay. Therefore, your restatement of that section of the original prompt is incorrect. Rather than referring to an image, you should be referring to publicly known information for the restatement such as "Various countries show an increased population above the age of 60." While you can use the semicolon in this instance, the next string of thought is not related to the previous statement so it would be better to place a pause in that section using a period. Then stating the next topic for discussion. For that part, there is no need to refer to various number of deaths, just the positive and negative impacts of the age situation.

I understand that you will take the CBT for this, which is why you are typing so many words. However, it would be better for the balanced presentation of your information to stick to the word range of 250-290 words. That is because, as i read your essay, it became clear to me that you are not focused on the coherence and cohesiveness of your explanation, upon which you are scored. You are only focused on the number of words, on which you are NOT scored. If your essay shows underdeveloped explanations due to the number of topics in a paragraph, but little developed explanations, you will find yourself scoring less rather than more in the TA and C&C sections.

Now, I also know what you are studying from a book, which will teach you differently from the way I teach the self-study students here. I am not going to debate how the book teaches you how to write, what other websites say, or how your tutor teaches you. This is a one time review of this paper. If my advice is unacceptable or questionable to you, then please, feel free not to post in this forum anymore. Refer instead to your book and or your tutor.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, shopping online has been spread widely over the world [2]

For band scoring, you will need to refer to our premium services where I will privately review and score your essay. Do not rely on scores provided by fellow students, should any of them try to do so (at the risk of account suspension) because they are not trained professionals who can accurately score your work based on specific criteria.

Your first paragraph should be a clear representation or restatement of the original discussion. I do not see a reference to all of the keyword elements from the original. You have a single line representing the restatement that does not respond to the question provided nor do you offer a clear idea as to what the actual discussion will be covering. You have responded that there are downsides with justifiable returns. That is not the question being asked. The question is whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Your response is not in accordance with the discussion instructions. The response is therefore, in error and cannot receive a passing TA score based on the prompt requirements for that section. Add to that the other problems of the essay in thought clarity, grammar usage, among others, and you have a non-passing essay presentation. The overall thought process is also scattered, lacking in definite focus for the discussion. You are not on target with this written presentation.

Writing Feedback / Informing about the latest criminal news and its impact on young members of society - IELTS 2 [3]

Okay, I won't even get into the nitty gritty of the mistakes that your writing presentation has. The very first error that the examiner will see, and will react to with a failing score for your C&C, LR, and GRA sections, will be the way that you wrote the essay. You are using SMS vocabulary for an academic paper. That is an automatic fail.

Do not treat this like some sort of joke. If you want to study in an English language institution, in a place of formal academic learning, you need to leave your social media speak behind, or you will never make it. Nobody who uses text speak in the IELTS or TOEFL test has ever passed. Believe me when I tell you this. No matter how long your essay is, when it is improperly presented, you lose your chance to show the examiner that you have what it takes to pass the test. All because you chose to treat the test like your social media account instead of a test that has your educational and professional future riding on it.

Writing Feedback / Conversations in person are gradually being replaced by internet communications through social apps [2]

You need to refer to the keyword from the original essay which is "outweigh". The missing synonym for this word is what makes your last sentence in the prompt restatement partially incorrect. It would have been better presented as "The drawbacks of these technologies eclipse / exceed / predominate / outbalance ( synonym words for outweigh) ...

Your discussion does not provide evidence that would prove your opinion. This is a single opinion essay. So you cannot use the comparative discussion format. Since you say the negatives outweigh the positives, then you need to explain why this is so. There is no clear sense of a discussion that weighs consideration factors in the presentation. Just a continued discussion of a/d, which is different from the "outweigh" discussion.

Graduate / Spreading myself too thin on Cover letter/Personal Statement for Aerospace Engg, ISAE-SUPAERO? [3]

The second to the last paragraph is practically the most important aspect of this personal statement and you dropped the ball. Develop that further, definitely thresh out the discussion in terms of why you chose to study in France, based on its aeronautics technological superiority and your future career ambitions. Relate the discussion to a future you see for yourself as a leader in this field. Develop the "how the program will help your future career" as a stand alone paragraph. Be detailed since there is no maximum word count. This is an interview after all so say what you have to say, without limits if none are given. You can always edit it later on for clarity and cohesiveness.

Scholarship / 2022 Australia Awards Scholarship Essay - Applied economics [4]

I do not see any reason for you to be lecturing the reviewer regarding the definition of Economics. That presentation is just a word filler, which is really unnecessary in this case. The mention of Covid - 19 does not really makes sense in the overall scheme so that reference seems irrelevant as well. I believe that your opening statement is a waste of word count that could better be used elsewhere. You may delete that paragraph and use it to better develop the discussions regarding your course and institution choices instead.

What is the connection of Parliament House to your application? It is not the Parliament House of your country so its location does not really help you learn in relation to Economics. How were these program choices influenced by the demands of your current profession? That is what you should be discussing in those 2 paragraphs instead. Each course should have a relevant application in your workplace. Discuss the relationship. There is room for further clarity in your explanation, develop the essay further within the 400 word count. You will be able to retrieve word allowance by deleting the opening paragraph like I said earlier. The revise the second paragraph to create a more focused introduction. Leave Covid-19 out of the discussion presentation altogether.

Undergraduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT TO UNIVERSITY - BUSINESS AND MANAGEMENT [3]

What is the prompt of the personal statement? Were there any writing guidelines for you to follow? I am not certain how to review the paper for you with regards to length and content because of the lack of instructions for the writing. However, I will do my best using only the general guidelines for PS writing. I hope it will be helpful to you.

The story focuses too much on your mother and very little on yourself. Your mother is not the applicant to the university so why are you so focused on her story? The reference point you are using to show the development of your interest in business administration is not really applicable as it discusses your mother's development, rather than your own. Refocus the story to a shorter extent and this time, use it only as a reference point for the development of your own interests. The reviewer doesn't need to know your mother's backstory, just how certain aspects of it relates to your own, in summarized form.

Undergraduate / College Supplementary Essay (Computer Science Major) [3]

This is an excellent piece of creative writing. It would be considered an excellent piece of story telling, but, it will never be considered a direct response to the question provided by the prompt. There is no lesson learned in this experience presentation. You are too hard on yourself in this presentation. You present all of the problems you encountered, but did not address a solution in an adult manner. Rather, after you fell into darkness, you stayed there. That is what the essay tells the reviewer, which I am sure is not the story you want to tell. I believe that you have over dramatized the situation, which is why you lost focus on what the prompt really wants you to discuss. This is a personal challenge, yes. However, you seem to not have overcome the challenge and instead, wallowed in self pity, which is not the kind of character an incoming college freshman should have. This essay shows that you are not prepared to enter college. It is not going to help your application. Change your approach to the discussion.

Scholarship / Personal statement for Environmental landscape Architecture master programme [2]

The essay is based ont he previous prompt requirements for the GKS-G program. You need to write the essay based on the new prompt requirements. The prompts for that are available with your application packet or via Google. Consider the new prompt requirements when you develop the new personal statement. You have to make sure that you align your responses to the required information as irrelevant details will disqualify your application from the first consideration round. I will advise you to work with a professional writer for your paper. A professional writer will be able to help you create a more understandable essay. Your grasp of the English language, based on this paper, is limited and reliant on software translation, which did not do a very good job of translating your text from your original language to English. It is important for you to respond to the questions and, deliver the information in a manner that the reviewer can easily use in considering your application. Right now, this essay will not accomplish the task you need it to.

Scholarship / Teaching English language (Australia Award Scholarship) Master Degree in TESOL [3]

The question is, why did you choose your proposed course. Is TESOL the proposed course? The response to the question needs to lead in with that response. Why you chose to study TESOL at this time as it is relevant to your future career prospects is the only important information in this case. So the first paragraph can be deleted, with the second paragraph revised to provide the reviewer with a direct response to the proposed course part of the prompt.

The second paragraph, referring to the chosen institution, should be more targeted in nature. The response needs to show that you have an insight into how the TESOL offering of the university aligns with your academic goals and professional ambitions. You have provided only researched information in regard to that prompt question, making it a useless response presentation that has nothing to do with your academic and professional considerations.

Writing Feedback / Advantages of living in rural areas and urban areas [2]

I cannot accurately assess your work for prompt adherence due to the missing prompt requirement. The prompt gives me the actual basis for reviewing your essay. There are several prompt related to this topic so, even though I have copies of those prompts, I cannot guess which one you are actually using. The advice I give is prompt dependent for accuracy. So I will just give you a general review in this case.

Review your plural v. singular lessons. Areas is the plural form of area so you cannot say "areas is", you have to say "areas are" since are is the present indicative pronoun required in the sentence presentation. Memorized phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" do not really help to advance your GRA score. These place holders should be replaced in your actual presentations by sentence topics instead, which helps to clearly inform the reader regarding the topic that will be discussed in the paragraph presentation.

Graduate / Cambodia Development - AAS Application: Why did you choose your proposed course [2]

How does your proposed course relate, in a professional manner, to addressing the needs of Cambodia? You gave a definitive description of the waste management problem in the country, but you failed to relate that to the reasons why you chose to study Environmental Engineering in Australia. You did not indicate a university choice and relevant program of study, as it relates to your desire to improve your professional skills to help resolve the waste situation in your country.

I am afraid you will need to revise the whole essay. The current presentation is good, but lacking in proper reference points to address the why's of the prompt. A more solid focus on responding to the questions, while summarizing the need for waste management professionals in Cambodia would better suit the prompt discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / Is United States prepared for the upcoming COVID-19 Vaccine demand? [2]


-Linked in is not considered a proper academic, nor journalistic reference for any opinion or research paper. You need to use a more acceptable reference coming from verifiable and uneasily manipulated sources. LinkedIn is too open source for it to be an acceptable citation in your paper.


- Indicate the date, time, location, and person who gave out the information. Otherwise the reference becomes questionable and unverified. It makes the paper contain questionable information rather than factual representations of researched data.

The paper seems to be filled with more information from other sources and lacking in your analysis of the information. The presentation is only a little better than being a cut and paste of information compiled from various sources. In the sections where you do pose an explanation or opinion, it feels rushed, under developed, little analyzed, and mostly, just there to fill in the word requirement for the report. I know you can do a better job than this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 about historical subjects [2]


- Good measured response, lacking a clear thesis presentation though. Rather than "the following reasons", providing 2 topic sentences to show the upcoming flow of discussion in the 2 reasoning paragraphs would have created a clearer preliminary explanation and stronger opinion statement.

I realize that some teachers prefer to have students use memorized phrases to help them write their sentences more easily. However, these useless phrases (On the one hand, on the other hand, In conclusion) do not help to increase any part of your scoring requirements. Which is why a new presentation of the topic sentences, or proper sentence introductions to the topic of the paragraph will always help you score better. Clarity is always better in any part of the essay presentation. That is something you cannot achieve by using memorized phrases.

You forgot to reiterate your opinion in the concluding statement. You could have used that reiteration to effective close the paragraph rather than using the memorized phrase, "In conclusion". You could have instead said something like:

These are the reasons why I can only partly agree with the idea that...

The examiner will know that it is a reference indicative of a concluding summary. Why? The total paragraph will repeat all the required information in short form. That, is all the concluding summary requires and that, is what he should read in the presentation.

Letters / [GKS-G] Letter Of Recommendation on behalf of my manager for application of GKS-G [2]

A formal background introduction of the person referring you is required in the first paragraph. He must introduce himself by name, his position, how long he has held the position, what capacity you worked in for his company, what role he fulfilled as your supervisor, and the length of time (inclusive of years) he worked with you.

The only aspect of this recommendation letter that must be given is your professional ability. The person does not have the ability to judge you as a student. He can judge your work ethic, but nothing more. It is quite obvious that the letter was written by the student and not by the referee. All because the content of this letter is equivalent to the same message that you gave in your application essays. The reviewers are trained to spot these types of letters and will therefore, declare your application invalid due to fraudulent papers submitted ( the recommendation letter). You can only fix this problem by asking the person to write the letter personally. Do not write the letter for them because your personal connection to the writing of the letter is too evident as it does not focus on the correct recommendation information as required.

Writing Feedback / Essay about directing youngsters to be admirable global citizens [2]

Your first sentence is not in accordance with the original topic provided. There is no reference to a global citizen. nor is there a implication of "imperative boost in social flourish". Where did you get the idea to use such an alternative discussion topic? This creates a severe topic deviation that shows you did not fully understand the original prompt topic. I understand that you were trying to boost your LR score, but you have to do so without altering the original thought presentation. Stick only to the facts provided or risk getting TA score deductions. Why are you using measured references for the opinions presented? You are severely altering the original prompt to the point where your response is risking becoming non-prompt compliant. Which could lead to a failing score in the presentation. Just stick to the basic facts and stop exaggerating. That is one of the major dislikes of examiners that can affect your final overall score.

You have provided your personal opinion in both reasoning paragraphs. You have not, as per the prompt requirements, explained the reason behind the public support for each point of view before you gave an explanation of your opinion. The discussions, as you present them to the reader, due to the lack of pronoun usage, does not clarify if these are public opinion explanations or personal opinion explanations. The use of the pronouns are needed, in the third person, to address the 3 point of view discussion paragraphs.